1.
A husband and wife went to see a marriage Councillor,
After he had listened to a twenty minute tirade about how bad a husband he was, the Councillor stood up, went round to his wife and embraced her and gave her a hug.
Then turned to husband and said..
“this is what your wife needs three times a week, can you manage that?”
Husband said..” Well I can drop her off Mondays and Wednesday but I play golf on Fridays!
A husband and wife were dining at restaurant
A new soldier was on sentry duty
A husband and wife went to see a marriage Councillor,
After he had listened to a twenty minute tirade about how bad a husband he was, the Councillor stood up, went round to his wife and embraced her and gave her a hug.
Then turned to husband and said..
“this is what your wife needs three times a week, can you manage that?”
Husband said..” Well I can drop her off Mondays and Wednesday but I play golf on Fridays!
A husband and wife were dining at restaurant
A new soldier was on sentry duty
2.
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender, “Could I get a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?”
The bartender is taken aback but serves the rabbit his order.
The rabbit enjoys his beer, devours the toastie, and then leaves.
The next night, the rabbit returns and once again requests a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Word has spread, and the pub is buzzing with curious patrons.
The bartender serves the rabbit, who eats and drinks before heading out.
By the third night, the pub is packed to the brim. As the rabbit walks in and orders his usual, the crowd falls silent in anticipation.
The bartender hands over the pint and toastie, and the room erupts in applause as the rabbit finishes his meal and exits.
On the fourth night, there’s standing room only. People have travelled from far and wide just to witness this unusual guest.
The bartender is making more money in a week than he did all of last year.
But when the rabbit walks in and asks for his usual, the bartender’s face falls.
“I’m sorry, my friend,” he says, “but we’re all out of Ham and Cheese Toasties.”
The rabbit looks shocked, and the pub goes so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
The bartender nervously offers, “But we do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie. I promise you’ll love it.”
The rabbit eyes him carefully. “Are you sure?” he asks.
With a grin, the bartender replies, “I wouldn’t steer you wrong. Trust me, you’ll love it.”
“Alright,” says the rabbit, “I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.”
The pub bursts into cheers as the rabbit enjoys his meal, waves to the crowd, and leaves… never to return.
A year later, the pub is in decline.
The bartender, who has only served a handful of drinks that night—most of them to himself—calls last orders.
As he’s cleaning up, he notices a small white figure hovering above the bar.
“Who are you?” he asks.
“I’m the ghost of the rabbit who used to visit your pub,” comes the reply.
The bartender’s eyes widen. “I remember you! You made this place famous. Every night, you’d come in for a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. People came from miles around just to see you.”
“Yes,” the rabbit says. “But I also remember that last night when you ran out of Ham and Cheese Toasties. You gave me a Cheese and Onion Toastie instead.”
“That’s right,” the bartender recalls. “But then you never came back. What happened?”
“I died,” says the rabbit.
The bartender gasps. “No! How?”
The rabbit pauses before replying, “Mixin’ me toasties.”
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday
Johnny was talking to a couple of boys
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender, “Could I get a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?”
The bartender is taken aback but serves the rabbit his order.
The rabbit enjoys his beer, devours the toastie, and then leaves.
The next night, the rabbit returns and once again requests a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Word has spread, and the pub is buzzing with curious patrons.
The bartender serves the rabbit, who eats and drinks before heading out.
By the third night, the pub is packed to the brim. As the rabbit walks in and orders his usual, the crowd falls silent in anticipation.
The bartender hands over the pint and toastie, and the room erupts in applause as the rabbit finishes his meal and exits.
On the fourth night, there’s standing room only. People have travelled from far and wide just to witness this unusual guest.
The bartender is making more money in a week than he did all of last year.
But when the rabbit walks in and asks for his usual, the bartender’s face falls.
“I’m sorry, my friend,” he says, “but we’re all out of Ham and Cheese Toasties.”
The rabbit looks shocked, and the pub goes so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
The bartender nervously offers, “But we do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie. I promise you’ll love it.”
The rabbit eyes him carefully. “Are you sure?” he asks.
With a grin, the bartender replies, “I wouldn’t steer you wrong. Trust me, you’ll love it.”
“Alright,” says the rabbit, “I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.”
The pub bursts into cheers as the rabbit enjoys his meal, waves to the crowd, and leaves… never to return.
A year later, the pub is in decline.
The bartender, who has only served a handful of drinks that night—most of them to himself—calls last orders.
As he’s cleaning up, he notices a small white figure hovering above the bar.
“Who are you?” he asks.
“I’m the ghost of the rabbit who used to visit your pub,” comes the reply.
The bartender’s eyes widen. “I remember you! You made this place famous. Every night, you’d come in for a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. People came from miles around just to see you.”
“Yes,” the rabbit says. “But I also remember that last night when you ran out of Ham and Cheese Toasties. You gave me a Cheese and Onion Toastie instead.”
“That’s right,” the bartender recalls. “But then you never came back. What happened?”
“I died,” says the rabbit.
The bartender gasps. “No! How?”
The rabbit pauses before replying, “Mixin’ me toasties.”
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday
Johnny was talking to a couple of boys
3.
A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section.
She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.
Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.
The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.
The blonde replied, “I’m a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I’m going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York.”
Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem.
The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.
Again, the blonde replied: “I’m a famous model. I’m sitting here all the way to New York.”
The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem.
He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde’s ear.
She immediately got up and said, “okay, thank you”.
She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replied, “I just told her that the first-class seats aren’t going to New York.”
A woman went to a pet shop
A blonde goes to a salon for a haircut
A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section.
She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.
Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.
The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.
The blonde replied, “I’m a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I’m going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York.”
Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem.
The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.
Again, the blonde replied: “I’m a famous model. I’m sitting here all the way to New York.”
The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem.
He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde’s ear.
She immediately got up and said, “okay, thank you”.
She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replied, “I just told her that the first-class seats aren’t going to New York.”
A woman went to a pet shop
A blonde goes to a salon for a haircut
4.
A 75 year old man was walking by and suddenly he hears a voice,
‘Stop!! there is a brick going to fall on your head.’
The man stops and the brick drops in front of him.
After a short walk,
The man was again alerted by the voice,
‘Stop Don’t cross the road, there is a speeding car about to hit you.
The man cautiously waits and crosses safely.
He then turns back and thanks the voice behind and asks who is that.
The voice responds,
“I am the guarding angel sent by god to save you from Danger.”
The man politely asks, “Where were you when I was about to get married.”
The husband returns after several hours of fishing
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner
A 75 year old man was walking by and suddenly he hears a voice,
‘Stop!! there is a brick going to fall on your head.’
The man stops and the brick drops in front of him.
After a short walk,
The man was again alerted by the voice,
‘Stop Don’t cross the road, there is a speeding car about to hit you.
The man cautiously waits and crosses safely.
He then turns back and thanks the voice behind and asks who is that.
The voice responds,
“I am the guarding angel sent by god to save you from Danger.”
The man politely asks, “Where were you when I was about to get married.”
The husband returns after several hours of fishing
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner
5.
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
“Twenty bucks,” she says.
He’s never been with a call girl before, but he decides what the hell.
They’re going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them… it’s a police officer.
“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”
“Well,” said the man, “neither did I until you shined that light in her face.”
So my mom decided to sell her house
Three Engineers are Discussing God
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
“Twenty bucks,” she says.
He’s never been with a call girl before, but he decides what the hell.
They’re going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them… it’s a police officer.
“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”
“Well,” said the man, “neither did I until you shined that light in her face.”
So my mom decided to sell her house
Three Engineers are Discussing God
6.
Three women are about to be executed for crimes.
One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
Suddenly the brunette yells, “earthquake!!” Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The redhead then screams, “tornado!!” Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The blonde shouts, “fire!!”
A married man was having an affair
Two little boys go into the grocery store
Three women are about to be executed for crimes.
One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
Suddenly the brunette yells, “earthquake!!” Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The redhead then screams, “tornado!!” Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The blonde shouts, “fire!!”
A married man was having an affair
Two little boys go into the grocery store
7.
A man, a squirrel, and 2 bees are going on a road trip.
On the road, they run out of gas so the man pulls over.
One of the bees says, “Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.”
It works until they run out of gas again.
The second bee steps up and says,
“Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.”
It works, until they run out of gas for the third time.
This time the squirrel chimes in and says,
“Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.”
But the man says, “Don’t bother, she only runs on BP.”
A teacher asks her class
Little Johnny asked a questions to his teacher
A man, a squirrel, and 2 bees are going on a road trip.
On the road, they run out of gas so the man pulls over.
One of the bees says, “Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.”
It works until they run out of gas again.
The second bee steps up and says,
“Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.”
It works, until they run out of gas for the third time.
This time the squirrel chimes in and says,
“Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.”
But the man says, “Don’t bother, she only runs on BP.”
A teacher asks her class
Little Johnny asked a questions to his teacher
8.
One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom asked him how his day went.
He said, “We’re learning about make love education.”
She smiled, and said, “At least he’s learning something useful.”
Billy went up to his room.
A little later, Billy’s mom went up to his room to call him down to dinner.
She opens his door and sees him j*rk*ng off.
She says, “Billy, when you’re done with your homework, supper’s on the table.”
A Chinese man had three daughters
A guy walks into a bar and sits down
One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom asked him how his day went.
He said, “We’re learning about make love education.”
She smiled, and said, “At least he’s learning something useful.”
Billy went up to his room.
A little later, Billy’s mom went up to his room to call him down to dinner.
She opens his door and sees him j*rk*ng off.
She says, “Billy, when you’re done with your homework, supper’s on the table.”
A Chinese man had three daughters
A guy walks into a bar and sits down
9.
A young caveman walks up to the tribe’s elder shaman, looking irritated he asks, “How do we name our newborn babies?”
The elder shaman is kinda busy, but the young boy insists to know, so he finally gives in and replies, “Well, after a baby is born, I close my eyes and perform a ritual dance.”
The shaman continues, “Once I open my eyes, the first thing I spot will be the name of the baby; if it’s a smilodon, the child will be called Fierce Smilodon; if it’s the river, then the name shall be Flowing River.”
“But tell me, why does this bother you so much?”
The big Alligator
Two elderly grandparents
A young caveman walks up to the tribe’s elder shaman, looking irritated he asks, “How do we name our newborn babies?”
The elder shaman is kinda busy, but the young boy insists to know, so he finally gives in and replies, “Well, after a baby is born, I close my eyes and perform a ritual dance.”
The shaman continues, “Once I open my eyes, the first thing I spot will be the name of the baby; if it’s a smilodon, the child will be called Fierce Smilodon; if it’s the river, then the name shall be Flowing River.”
“But tell me, why does this bother you so much?”
The big Alligator
Two elderly grandparents
10.
There was a World wide survey of “Most Embarrassing Moment in human life”
the finale had the following three incidents…
Third Place
“It was the day before my eighteenth birthday.
I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone.
As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs.
I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone.
Since we didn’t want to miss the call, we didn’t have time to get dressed.
When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled “SURPRISE!”.
My entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there !
My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again.
Second Place
“While in line at the bank one afternoon, my kid decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run a muck.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she didn’t start behaving herself right now, she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
“If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!”.
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing!
I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter.
And the Winner is…
This one actually happened at Harvard University in October last year.
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked,
“If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?”
“That’s correct.” responded the professor, going on to add much statistical data.
Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked,
“Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?”.
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing,
the poor girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied),
she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class, and never returned.
However, as she was going out of the door, the professor’s reply was a classic.
Totally straight faced, he answered her question,
“It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat!”
Roosevelt, Stalin, Mussolini, and Hitler are on a plane
George has an operation on his neck,
There was a World wide survey of “Most Embarrassing Moment in human life”
the finale had the following three incidents…
Third Place
“It was the day before my eighteenth birthday.
I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone.
As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs.
I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone.
Since we didn’t want to miss the call, we didn’t have time to get dressed.
When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled “SURPRISE!”.
My entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there !
My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again.
Second Place
“While in line at the bank one afternoon, my kid decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run a muck.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she didn’t start behaving herself right now, she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
“If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!”.
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing!
I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter.
And the Winner is…
This one actually happened at Harvard University in October last year.
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked,
“If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?”
“That’s correct.” responded the professor, going on to add much statistical data.
Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked,
“Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?”.
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing,
the poor girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied),
she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class, and never returned.
However, as she was going out of the door, the professor’s reply was a classic.
Totally straight faced, he answered her question,
“It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat!”
Roosevelt, Stalin, Mussolini, and Hitler are on a plane
George has an operation on his neck,
11.
A man goes to heaven and is greeted by an angel who shows him around the place
“Over there is a local restaurant, it’s guaranteed to have your favorite meal there” said the angel
“And over there is a theater, and to the left, there’s a swimming pool”
The angel soon finishes the tour and finds that the man is overjoyed.
The angel had one more thing to say though, “going to the gym on a daily basis is mandatory”
The man, out of curiosity asks why
“How do you think we stay demon-free? We make sure everyone exorcises their demons”
A man stands before St. Peter
The Scotsman’s first baseball game
A man goes to heaven and is greeted by an angel who shows him around the place
“Over there is a local restaurant, it’s guaranteed to have your favorite meal there” said the angel
“And over there is a theater, and to the left, there’s a swimming pool”
The angel soon finishes the tour and finds that the man is overjoyed.
The angel had one more thing to say though, “going to the gym on a daily basis is mandatory”
The man, out of curiosity asks why
“How do you think we stay demon-free? We make sure everyone exorcises their demons”
A man stands before St. Peter
The Scotsman’s first baseball game
12.
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace.
When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”
To that she replies “Well, come here and I’ll warm them between my legs.”
He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.
When he returns, he again says, “Honey, my hands are really freezing!”
She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse
A female teacher was having a problem
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace.
When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”
To that she replies “Well, come here and I’ll warm them between my legs.”
He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.
When he returns, he again says, “Honey, my hands are really freezing!”
She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse
A female teacher was having a problem
13.
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it?”
The woman says, “You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf.”
A Kurdish man goes to a store
Two guys walking through the woods
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it?”
The woman says, “You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf.”
A Kurdish man goes to a store
Two guys walking through the woods
14.
Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills.
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full.
He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn’t know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, “Why don’t you go ask the young’n down the road? He must be smart ’cause he’s a college gradjyate.”
So Pa drives down to the neighbor’s house and asks him,
“Mr College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don’t know what to do to empty it.”
The young’n tells him, “Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time.
The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air.
While it’s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground.
The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.”
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
He goes home and puts them under the outhouse.
He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm.
Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
Pa races to the outhouse throw open the door and asks,
“Ma, are you all right?”
As she pulls up her panties she says, “Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen!”
Two guys are driving along in a car
A man was riding on a full bus
Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills.
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full.
He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn’t know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, “Why don’t you go ask the young’n down the road? He must be smart ’cause he’s a college gradjyate.”
So Pa drives down to the neighbor’s house and asks him,
“Mr College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don’t know what to do to empty it.”
The young’n tells him, “Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time.
The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air.
While it’s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground.
The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.”
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
He goes home and puts them under the outhouse.
He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm.
Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
Pa races to the outhouse throw open the door and asks,
“Ma, are you all right?”
As she pulls up her panties she says, “Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen!”
Two guys are driving along in a car
A man was riding on a full bus
15.
The General went out to find that none of his soldiers were there.
One finally ran up, panting heavily.
“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the soldier go moments late, eight more soldiers came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go.
A ninth soldiers jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”
“Let me guess,” the General interrupted, “it broke down.”
“No,” said the soldier, “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”
A guy is at the pearly gates
The priest got a brilliant idea
The General went out to find that none of his soldiers were there.
One finally ran up, panting heavily.
“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the soldier go moments late, eight more soldiers came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go.
A ninth soldiers jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”
“Let me guess,” the General interrupted, “it broke down.”
“No,” said the soldier, “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”
A guy is at the pearly gates
The priest got a brilliant idea
16.
An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.
“Well, my wife ain’t home, she’s gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got,” said the man.
The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn’t interested.
Then the man spotted a mirror and said, “What’s that?”
Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, “My God how’d you get a picture of my Pappy?”
The old man was so happy, he traded his wife’s best pitcher for it.
The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.
He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the “picture” and eventually the wife got suspicious.
One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn.
She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, “so this is the hussy he’s been fooling around with!”
He picked up the phone
A little boy comes down for breakfast
An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.
“Well, my wife ain’t home, she’s gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got,” said the man.
The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn’t interested.
Then the man spotted a mirror and said, “What’s that?”
Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, “My God how’d you get a picture of my Pappy?”
The old man was so happy, he traded his wife’s best pitcher for it.
The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.
He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the “picture” and eventually the wife got suspicious.
One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn.
She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, “so this is the hussy he’s been fooling around with!”
He picked up the phone
A little boy comes down for breakfast
17.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes!
He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants make love, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
His wife responds, “He wasn’t kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was queer, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!”
Dylan was practicing his golf swing
A affair with his secretary
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes!
He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants make love, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
His wife responds, “He wasn’t kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was queer, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!”
Dylan was practicing his golf swing
A affair with his secretary
18.
Two hunters get up early one morning to go hunting.
They live way out in the country, so all they have to do is walk from the first hunter’s house across a field and into the woods to hunt.
But today the hunting’s terrible, the worst they’ve ever had, so they decide to quit early.
They emerge from the woods and start walking across the field to the first hunter’s house.
The second hunter, playing with his scope, aims his rifle at the first hunter’s bedroom window and suddenly stops.
“Hey, did you know your wife’s cheating’ on you with that guy who lives across the road from you?”
“WHAT?! I have HAD it with that woman and her cheating! I want you to shoot her in the head, and you shoot him right in his manhood!”
“Well, hell, I can hit that with one shot!”
Two guys were discussing life
A blonde and a brunette were discussing
Two hunters get up early one morning to go hunting.
They live way out in the country, so all they have to do is walk from the first hunter’s house across a field and into the woods to hunt.
But today the hunting’s terrible, the worst they’ve ever had, so they decide to quit early.
They emerge from the woods and start walking across the field to the first hunter’s house.
The second hunter, playing with his scope, aims his rifle at the first hunter’s bedroom window and suddenly stops.
“Hey, did you know your wife’s cheating’ on you with that guy who lives across the road from you?”
“WHAT?! I have HAD it with that woman and her cheating! I want you to shoot her in the head, and you shoot him right in his manhood!”
“Well, hell, I can hit that with one shot!”
Two guys were discussing life
A blonde and a brunette were discussing
19.
Sometimes how a person acts reveals a lot about their profession.
This is a hilarious example of exactly that.
He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says, “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must be in IT”, says the balloonist.
“I am,” replies the man, “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”
The man below says, “you must be a manager”.
“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help.
You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
The three wishes by the Fairy mother
Two old men Abe and Sol
Sometimes how a person acts reveals a lot about their profession.
This is a hilarious example of exactly that.
He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says, “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must be in IT”, says the balloonist.
“I am,” replies the man, “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”
The man below says, “you must be a manager”.
“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help.
You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
The three wishes by the Fairy mother
Two old men Abe and Sol
20.
Two lawyers are having a drink after work.
“The most amazing thing happened to me last night,” said the first one.
“I was working, and suddenly the devil was standing before me, right there in my office!
He told me that in exchange for my soul, I could become a United States senator!”
“Great!” says his friend.
“But what’s the catch?”
A man goes to a female dentist
Three guys are in a doctor`s office
Two lawyers are having a drink after work.
“The most amazing thing happened to me last night,” said the first one.
“I was working, and suddenly the devil was standing before me, right there in my office!
He told me that in exchange for my soul, I could become a United States senator!”
“Great!” says his friend.
“But what’s the catch?”
A man goes to a female dentist
Three guys are in a doctor`s office
21.
Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer.
All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror, the cops are on his tail.
His buddy says, “What are we going to do?”
The driver says, “Don’t worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we’ll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking.”
They pull over and the cop walks up to the car.
He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy’s driver’s license. And he asks him, “Have you been drinking?”
“Oh, no, sir,” the driver replies.
“I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven’t been drinking?” the cop asks.
“Oh, no, sir,” the drunk answers.
“We haven’t had a thing to drink tonight.”
“Well, I’ve got to ask you,” says the cop, “What on earth are those things on your forehead?”
“That’s easy, Officer,” says the drunk.
“You see, we’re both alcoholics, and we’re on the patch.”
A lady was sitting with a guy in a plane
Louisa asked her small brother
Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer.
All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror, the cops are on his tail.
His buddy says, “What are we going to do?”
The driver says, “Don’t worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we’ll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking.”
They pull over and the cop walks up to the car.
He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy’s driver’s license. And he asks him, “Have you been drinking?”
“Oh, no, sir,” the driver replies.
“I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven’t been drinking?” the cop asks.
“Oh, no, sir,” the drunk answers.
“We haven’t had a thing to drink tonight.”
“Well, I’ve got to ask you,” says the cop, “What on earth are those things on your forehead?”
“That’s easy, Officer,” says the drunk.
“You see, we’re both alcoholics, and we’re on the patch.”
A lady was sitting with a guy in a plane
Louisa asked her small brother
22.
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn’t get her attention.
When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away.
Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.
He said, “Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn’t even make eye contact.”
“Oh,” said the waitress, “I thought you wanted more coffee.”
Three guys were drinking in a pub
A man walks into a bar orders a drink
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn’t get her attention.
When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away.
Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.
He said, “Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn’t even make eye contact.”
“Oh,” said the waitress, “I thought you wanted more coffee.”
Three guys were drinking in a pub
A man walks into a bar orders a drink
23.
A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation.
There he grabs a cab at the airport and says he’s on his way to The Royal York Hotel.
The Cabby heads downtown on his way he passes Queens Park.
“What’s that?” says the Texan.
“Oh! That’s Queens Park,” says the Cabby, “Its our Provincial Government, its like your State Government those buildings are almost 200 years old and they are quite big.”
“Oh! We have buildings much older than that and at least twice as large,” says the Texan.
They continue along and past First Canadian Place.
“Holy cow,” says the Texan, “What’s that?”
“Why that’s First Canadian Place, it’s the biggest office complex in the country,” says the Cabby, “it took almost 4 years to build.”
“Really,” says the Texan, “Why in Houston they have buildings twice that big, and built in less than 1/2 the time.”
They continue on the way, the cabby a little miffed at the bragging, when they drive past the CN Tower.
Now the Texan has his head out the window looking up at the 1850′ tower and rotating restaurant at 1300.
“Holy Crap!” says the Texan.
“What in gods name is that? How long did it take to build that!”
The Cabby nonchalantly glances out the window and says,
“Heck if I know, it wasn’t there yesterday!”
A fisherman is walking carrying lobsters
Two old Jewish men Sid and Abe
A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation.
There he grabs a cab at the airport and says he’s on his way to The Royal York Hotel.
The Cabby heads downtown on his way he passes Queens Park.
“What’s that?” says the Texan.
“Oh! That’s Queens Park,” says the Cabby, “Its our Provincial Government, its like your State Government those buildings are almost 200 years old and they are quite big.”
“Oh! We have buildings much older than that and at least twice as large,” says the Texan.
They continue along and past First Canadian Place.
“Holy cow,” says the Texan, “What’s that?”
“Why that’s First Canadian Place, it’s the biggest office complex in the country,” says the Cabby, “it took almost 4 years to build.”
“Really,” says the Texan, “Why in Houston they have buildings twice that big, and built in less than 1/2 the time.”
They continue on the way, the cabby a little miffed at the bragging, when they drive past the CN Tower.
Now the Texan has his head out the window looking up at the 1850′ tower and rotating restaurant at 1300.
“Holy Crap!” says the Texan.
“What in gods name is that? How long did it take to build that!”
The Cabby nonchalantly glances out the window and says,
“Heck if I know, it wasn’t there yesterday!”
A fisherman is walking carrying lobsters
Two old Jewish men Sid and Abe
24.
They were reaching a stalemate.
One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war.
The private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, “Why not? It’s not like we have any better ideas.”
The next day, an American soldier called out, “Hans?!”
A German popped up and shouted back, “Ja?!”
Boom, the German was shot dead.
The next day the Americans shouted again, “Hans?!”
“Ja!?”
Shot dead.
This process continued over the next couple of days.
The Germans were losing large numbers and were now finally catching on.
The Germans had an emergency meeting.
They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans.
Thus, a German asked, “What is a popular American name?” “John!” replied another.
The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan.
A German shouted, “John?!”
An American called back, “Is that you Hans?!”
A man goes to the doctor and tells
A guy is at the pearly gates
They were reaching a stalemate.
One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war.
The private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, “Why not? It’s not like we have any better ideas.”
The next day, an American soldier called out, “Hans?!”
A German popped up and shouted back, “Ja?!”
Boom, the German was shot dead.
The next day the Americans shouted again, “Hans?!”
“Ja!?”
Shot dead.
This process continued over the next couple of days.
The Germans were losing large numbers and were now finally catching on.
The Germans had an emergency meeting.
They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans.
Thus, a German asked, “What is a popular American name?” “John!” replied another.
The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan.
A German shouted, “John?!”
An American called back, “Is that you Hans?!”
A man goes to the doctor and tells
A guy is at the pearly gates
25.
A son challenged his boastful father to a game of golf.
The son was determined to beat his father in golf for the first time.
On the very first swing, the father got a hole in one.
“Okay, nice shot dad,” said the son, thinking quickly on his feet.
“Now I will take my practice shot and then we will start.”
Johnny runs to his dad and says
A family sat down for dinner
A son challenged his boastful father to a game of golf.
The son was determined to beat his father in golf for the first time.
On the very first swing, the father got a hole in one.
“Okay, nice shot dad,” said the son, thinking quickly on his feet.
“Now I will take my practice shot and then we will start.”
Johnny runs to his dad and says
A family sat down for dinner
26.
A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in lovemaking.
“Back ladies, back!” cried the leader.
“There’s a very dangerous beast out there!”
But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening.
They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing.
“Well, err… if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration… yeah, that’s it, it’s artificial respiration!”
“Wow!” exclaimed the oldest of the group.
“I know which merit badge I’m gonna try for next!”
A Irish man went to the courthouse
A man comes home
A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in lovemaking.
“Back ladies, back!” cried the leader.
“There’s a very dangerous beast out there!”
But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening.
They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing.
“Well, err… if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration… yeah, that’s it, it’s artificial respiration!”
“Wow!” exclaimed the oldest of the group.
“I know which merit badge I’m gonna try for next!”
A Irish man went to the courthouse
A man comes home
27.
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
“My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I’m still in my pajamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?”
Husband “Because he’s thinking to get married.”
A guy is reading his paper when his wife
Three mischievous old grannies sitting on bench
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
“My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I’m still in my pajamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?”
Husband “Because he’s thinking to get married.”
A guy is reading his paper when his wife
Three mischievous old grannies sitting on bench
28.
A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant and started to wonder if there were any Chinese Jews.
So, when the waiter came over to take his order, he asked, “Pardon me, but I’d like to know if there are any Chinese Jews?”
The waiter said, “I don’t know. I go into kitchen and ask manager.”
After taking his order, the waiter went to the kitchen and returned in a few minutes.
He explained to the man, “No. No Chinese Jews. We have orange Jews, tomato Jews, grape Jews, and pineapple Jews, but no Chinese Jews.”
A elderly retired Marine Fighter Pilot
The Queen and Dolly Parton die
A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant and started to wonder if there were any Chinese Jews.
So, when the waiter came over to take his order, he asked, “Pardon me, but I’d like to know if there are any Chinese Jews?”
The waiter said, “I don’t know. I go into kitchen and ask manager.”
After taking his order, the waiter went to the kitchen and returned in a few minutes.
He explained to the man, “No. No Chinese Jews. We have orange Jews, tomato Jews, grape Jews, and pineapple Jews, but no Chinese Jews.”
A elderly retired Marine Fighter Pilot
The Queen and Dolly Parton die
29.
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck’s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement.
He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!”
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists
A young blonde with a coach ticket
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck’s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement.
He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!”
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists
A young blonde with a coach ticket
30.
A blond man entered the emergency room with his two ears burned.
“What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Well”, the man explained, “my wife was press clothing, behind my chair while I was watching TV.
She put down the iron next to the phone and when the phone rang I answered the iron.”
“Wow that is terrible” responded the doctor, and what happened to your other ear?”
“Well” the blond guy responded “Right afterwards, the phone rang again!”
Mark was passing by the bar
A lady came in for a routine physical
A blond man entered the emergency room with his two ears burned.
“What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Well”, the man explained, “my wife was press clothing, behind my chair while I was watching TV.
She put down the iron next to the phone and when the phone rang I answered the iron.”
“Wow that is terrible” responded the doctor, and what happened to your other ear?”
“Well” the blond guy responded “Right afterwards, the phone rang again!”
Mark was passing by the bar
A lady came in for a routine physical
Tags:
Eng Jokes