1.
A ship captain was alerted by one of his sailors about a pirate ship approaching their coordinates.
He asks the sailor to bring him his red shirt.
The sailor asked him, “Why do you need a red shirt, Captain?”
The captain replied, “So if I lose, you will not see me bleed.”
This gave his crew the courage they need and they eventually fought off the pirates from the enemy ship.
The next day, a sailor informed the captain of two pirate ships approaching.
“Bring me my red shirt!” the Captain shouted. And they all fought bravely and won.
On the third day, a sailor comes to the Captain trembling with fear.
“What is it, son?” asked the Captain.
The sailor replied, “Captain, we see ten pirate ships approaching! Shall I bring you the red shirt?”
The captain yells, “Bring me my brown pants!”
Mary and her five-year old son
Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter
A ship captain was alerted by one of his sailors about a pirate ship approaching their coordinates.
He asks the sailor to bring him his red shirt.
The sailor asked him, “Why do you need a red shirt, Captain?”
The captain replied, “So if I lose, you will not see me bleed.”
This gave his crew the courage they need and they eventually fought off the pirates from the enemy ship.
The next day, a sailor informed the captain of two pirate ships approaching.
“Bring me my red shirt!” the Captain shouted. And they all fought bravely and won.
On the third day, a sailor comes to the Captain trembling with fear.
“What is it, son?” asked the Captain.
The sailor replied, “Captain, we see ten pirate ships approaching! Shall I bring you the red shirt?”
The captain yells, “Bring me my brown pants!”
Mary and her five-year old son
Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter
2.
Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that reads: “Cow For Sale — $5,000.”
He pulls in and says to the farmer, “There’s no cow in the world worth $5,000.”
The farmer says, “Oh, yeah? Take a look at this.”
He lifts the cow’s tail and Harry sees that the cow has a snatch just like a woman.
Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife and says,
“It’s just not fair. Here’s this farmer with a cow that has a snatch like a woman and it’s worth $5,000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you’re not worth shit.”
A old man told a grandson
A man joins the navy
Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that reads: “Cow For Sale — $5,000.”
He pulls in and says to the farmer, “There’s no cow in the world worth $5,000.”
The farmer says, “Oh, yeah? Take a look at this.”
He lifts the cow’s tail and Harry sees that the cow has a snatch just like a woman.
Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife and says,
“It’s just not fair. Here’s this farmer with a cow that has a snatch like a woman and it’s worth $5,000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you’re not worth shit.”
A old man told a grandson
A man joins the navy
3.
A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about.
The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem.
His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast.
His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly even to bed and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance.
The son thought about this and went along happy.
The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem.
Her morning breath was horrid.
Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath.
The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world.
The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea.
She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don’t say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating.
The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.
The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences.
One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing.
He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what’s wrong.
With a look of shock on his face the young man says, “OH MY GOD! You’ve swallowed my sock!”
This Asian lady married to an English man
A elderly couple had been experiencing
A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about.
The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem.
His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast.
His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly even to bed and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance.
The son thought about this and went along happy.
The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem.
Her morning breath was horrid.
Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath.
The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world.
The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea.
She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don’t say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating.
The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.
The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences.
One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing.
He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what’s wrong.
With a look of shock on his face the young man says, “OH MY GOD! You’ve swallowed my sock!”
This Asian lady married to an English man
A elderly couple had been experiencing
4.
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.
The mother mouse says, “BARK!!” and the cat runs away.
The mother mouse then says to her baby,
“See how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?”
A old man is walking along the street
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.
The mother mouse says, “BARK!!” and the cat runs away.
The mother mouse then says to her baby,
“See how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?”
A old man is walking along the street
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter
5.
There are 3 girls on a island.
They are blond, brunette and a black haired.
After 3 weeks of starvation god comes down and says, “Go home already. i will give you 1 wish each. use it wisely.
The brunette says “i want to go home!” and poof she goes home.
The black says “i want to go home!” and poof she goes home.
The the blonde says “i want my friends back!”
A little girl that didn’t know
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator
There are 3 girls on a island.
They are blond, brunette and a black haired.
After 3 weeks of starvation god comes down and says, “Go home already. i will give you 1 wish each. use it wisely.
The brunette says “i want to go home!” and poof she goes home.
The black says “i want to go home!” and poof she goes home.
The the blonde says “i want my friends back!”
A little girl that didn’t know
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator
6.
A boy was cycling with a basket of eggs on it.
He hit a stone and fell down along with the cycle.
The eggs also fell down and broke.
A crowd gathered around the boy.
As usual, free advice started flowing from the onlookers.
“Couldn’t you be more careful?”
“What is this, you are cycling, casually without attention?”
An old man approached the crowd saw what had happened and said “Poor fellow this boy has to answer the Owner of the shop. Ok I will help him, as much as I can” saying this handed over Rs500/- to the boy.
And also said, “These onlookers are good people, they will not only give advice, but they will help you by giving money also, accept their help”.
The onlookers observing the sayings of the old man and his actions gave money to the boy.
The boy was very happy since the money collected was much more than the value of the eggs broken.
One of the onlookers asked the boy.
“Young man if that old man was not around, I do not know what difficulties you would have faced with your owner.”
The boy smiled and replied “Sir, that old man is the owner of the shop, where I work.”
A boy decides to learn the language of all animals
A farmer decides to tell his son
A boy was cycling with a basket of eggs on it.
He hit a stone and fell down along with the cycle.
The eggs also fell down and broke.
A crowd gathered around the boy.
As usual, free advice started flowing from the onlookers.
“Couldn’t you be more careful?”
“What is this, you are cycling, casually without attention?”
An old man approached the crowd saw what had happened and said “Poor fellow this boy has to answer the Owner of the shop. Ok I will help him, as much as I can” saying this handed over Rs500/- to the boy.
And also said, “These onlookers are good people, they will not only give advice, but they will help you by giving money also, accept their help”.
The onlookers observing the sayings of the old man and his actions gave money to the boy.
The boy was very happy since the money collected was much more than the value of the eggs broken.
One of the onlookers asked the boy.
“Young man if that old man was not around, I do not know what difficulties you would have faced with your owner.”
The boy smiled and replied “Sir, that old man is the owner of the shop, where I work.”
A boy decides to learn the language of all animals
A farmer decides to tell his son
7.
A young lady is buying a box of tampons in the store.
They are missing the UPC and won’t ring up.
The cashier asks his co-worker to go and check the price of Tampax.
Do you mean the kind you push in or the kind you hammer in?
Everyone including the cashier is shocked: What?
You said to check the price of thumb tacs.
I am asking whether you mean the kind of thumb tacs you push in or the kind you hammer in?
You should have seen the face of the young lady who wanted to buy these tampons.
Bill has worked in a pickle factory
A blonde woman walks into bank
A young lady is buying a box of tampons in the store.
They are missing the UPC and won’t ring up.
The cashier asks his co-worker to go and check the price of Tampax.
Do you mean the kind you push in or the kind you hammer in?
Everyone including the cashier is shocked: What?
You said to check the price of thumb tacs.
I am asking whether you mean the kind of thumb tacs you push in or the kind you hammer in?
You should have seen the face of the young lady who wanted to buy these tampons.
Bill has worked in a pickle factory
A blonde woman walks into bank
8.
A husband and wife have four sons.
The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said,
“Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?”
The wife replied, “I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son.”
With that, the husband passed away.
The wife muttered, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
A man eating grass by the roadside
A married couple was in a terrible accident
A husband and wife have four sons.
The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said,
“Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?”
The wife replied, “I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son.”
With that, the husband passed away.
The wife muttered, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
A man eating grass by the roadside
A married couple was in a terrible accident
9.
Two guys are sitting at a bar.
“You know why I love this bar?” asks the first one.
“No,” says the second guy.
“Why do you love this bar?”
The first guy points at the window, which is six stories above the ground.
“It has a magic window,” he says.
“You jump out of that window, and you can fly.”
The second guy just shakes his head. “Shut up.”
“No,” says the first guy.
“It really is a magic window. I’ll prove it to you.”
So the first guy gets down from his bar stool, runs at the window, jumps out of it, and flies.
He flies around the building twice, up and down, and finally comes back in.
He walks to his bar stool, and takes a sip of his drink. “See?” he says.
The first guy looks confused.
He looks at his drink. “I must be drunk,” he says.
“Still don’t believe me?” asks the second guy.
“I’ll show you again.”
He gets down from his stool, runs and jumps out of the window again.
This time he performs some impressive aerial acrobatics, spins, flips, dives.
When he finally comes back in, the second guy is staring at him, slack-jawed.
“Wow,” says the second guy. “A magic window.”
He gets off his bar stool, takes a running jump out of the window, and promptly plummets to his death.
The first guy starts laughing.
The bartender comes over to the first guy with a stern look on his face.
“Superman, you’re a real bastard when you’re drunk.”
A woman was very distraught
The ticket girl said
Two guys are sitting at a bar.
“You know why I love this bar?” asks the first one.
“No,” says the second guy.
“Why do you love this bar?”
The first guy points at the window, which is six stories above the ground.
“It has a magic window,” he says.
“You jump out of that window, and you can fly.”
The second guy just shakes his head. “Shut up.”
“No,” says the first guy.
“It really is a magic window. I’ll prove it to you.”
So the first guy gets down from his bar stool, runs at the window, jumps out of it, and flies.
He flies around the building twice, up and down, and finally comes back in.
He walks to his bar stool, and takes a sip of his drink. “See?” he says.
The first guy looks confused.
He looks at his drink. “I must be drunk,” he says.
“Still don’t believe me?” asks the second guy.
“I’ll show you again.”
He gets down from his stool, runs and jumps out of the window again.
This time he performs some impressive aerial acrobatics, spins, flips, dives.
When he finally comes back in, the second guy is staring at him, slack-jawed.
“Wow,” says the second guy. “A magic window.”
He gets off his bar stool, takes a running jump out of the window, and promptly plummets to his death.
The first guy starts laughing.
The bartender comes over to the first guy with a stern look on his face.
“Superman, you’re a real bastard when you’re drunk.”
A woman was very distraught
The ticket girl said
10.
A priest was hiking in the woods when suddenly a mountain lion appeared, ready to devour the man whole.
The priest quickly falls to his knees, looks up to the heavens and prays, “Dear God, please teach this lion mercy and give him religion.”
A chorus of angels is heard as a beam of light shines down on the mountain lion.
The lion then drops to his knees, looks up to heavens and prays, “Dear God, bless you for this food I’m about to receive.”
The teacher asks a question
Frank always looked on the bright side
A priest was hiking in the woods when suddenly a mountain lion appeared, ready to devour the man whole.
The priest quickly falls to his knees, looks up to the heavens and prays, “Dear God, please teach this lion mercy and give him religion.”
A chorus of angels is heard as a beam of light shines down on the mountain lion.
The lion then drops to his knees, looks up to heavens and prays, “Dear God, bless you for this food I’m about to receive.”
The teacher asks a question
Frank always looked on the bright side
11.
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.
“Doctor,” the man said,
“I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine.”
“Nonsense,” the doctor said.
“Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.”
“It isn’t possible,” the man insisted.
“This can’t be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.”
“Well,” said the doctor,
“let me ask you this. How often do you have s*x?”
The man seemed a bit ashamed.
“I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.”
“Well, there you have it!”
The doctor said confidently. “It’s rust.”
Predicting the weather
How to catch an elephant
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.
“Doctor,” the man said,
“I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine.”
“Nonsense,” the doctor said.
“Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.”
“It isn’t possible,” the man insisted.
“This can’t be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.”
“Well,” said the doctor,
“let me ask you this. How often do you have s*x?”
The man seemed a bit ashamed.
“I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.”
“Well, there you have it!”
The doctor said confidently. “It’s rust.”
Predicting the weather
How to catch an elephant
12.
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.
She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.”
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.
She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.
Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?” “And so, here we are!”
A couple went on vacation to a fishing
A couple was having dinner
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.
She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.”
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.
She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.
Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?” “And so, here we are!”
A couple went on vacation to a fishing
A couple was having dinner
13.
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning:
Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies:
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back:
“Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
A man dreams that he is a chicken
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning:
Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies:
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back:
“Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
A man dreams that he is a chicken
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
14.
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the man’s friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.
“What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.
“That stupid Dave!” the fellow chortled, “He’s so drunk, he thinks he’s me!”
A small boy is sent to bed by his father
A frail old man is put in to a care home
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the man’s friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.
“What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.
“That stupid Dave!” the fellow chortled, “He’s so drunk, he thinks he’s me!”
A small boy is sent to bed by his father
A frail old man is put in to a care home
15.
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand.
She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her melons are so big she can only fasten eight!”
A dude-up city biker
A young naval student
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand.
She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her melons are so big she can only fasten eight!”
A dude-up city biker
A young naval student
16.
A man drove past a traffic camera and saw it flash.
He couldn’t believe he had been caught speeding when he was driving below the speed limit for once!
He turned around and drove past again, this time even slower.
But as he passed the camera, it flashed again. He was angry!
He turned around again and this time drove past at a snail’s pace.
But again, the camera flashed.
“Oh, well,” he thought. “It must be broken.” and drove home.
A week later, he received three tickets in the mail for not wearing his seat belt.
Becky was the manager of a jewelry store
A man sits down on a bar stool
A man drove past a traffic camera and saw it flash.
He couldn’t believe he had been caught speeding when he was driving below the speed limit for once!
He turned around and drove past again, this time even slower.
But as he passed the camera, it flashed again. He was angry!
He turned around again and this time drove past at a snail’s pace.
But again, the camera flashed.
“Oh, well,” he thought. “It must be broken.” and drove home.
A week later, he received three tickets in the mail for not wearing his seat belt.
Becky was the manager of a jewelry store
A man sits down on a bar stool
17.
A husband exclaims to his wife one day, “Your bum is getting really big.
It’s bigger than the BBQ grill!”
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-bum grill for one little weenie?”
One night at a dance club
A child asked his father
A husband exclaims to his wife one day, “Your bum is getting really big.
It’s bigger than the BBQ grill!”
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-bum grill for one little weenie?”
One night at a dance club
A child asked his father
18.
A man walks into a bar and sees a man sitting at a table with a tiny man playing a tiny piano.
“Hey, where’d you get that?” The man asks.
The sitting man pulls a lamp from his pocket and tells him to rub it and wish for anything he wants.
“Be sure to speak slowly and clearly,” The man warns.
After a second to think, the guy rubs the lamps and a genie pops out.
The man screams at the genie in excitement, “I want a million bucks!”
Suddenly, Poof, a million birds appear in the bar.
“I said I wanted a million BUCKS, not DUCKS!”
The little girl is asking her mother
Two old couples got together
A man walks into a bar and sees a man sitting at a table with a tiny man playing a tiny piano.
“Hey, where’d you get that?” The man asks.
The sitting man pulls a lamp from his pocket and tells him to rub it and wish for anything he wants.
“Be sure to speak slowly and clearly,” The man warns.
After a second to think, the guy rubs the lamps and a genie pops out.
The man screams at the genie in excitement, “I want a million bucks!”
Suddenly, Poof, a million birds appear in the bar.
“I said I wanted a million BUCKS, not DUCKS!”
The little girl is asking her mother
Two old couples got together
19.
Johnny wanted to get his mom a special Christmas gift, but she was notoriously hard to shop for.
As he walked past a pet store, he thought, “Maybe a pet would be a good idea.”
Entering the store, he asked the manager for suggestions.
“How about a puppy?” the manager offered.
“No,” Johnny replied. “It might make a mess in the house.”
“A fish, perhaps?”
“No, her house is too small for an aquarium.”
Just then, Johnny noticed a parrot and asked, “What about that parrot?”
The manager smiled and said, “That’s Chet. He’s amazing but very expensive.”
Johnny thought for a moment and said, “It’s for my mom. Let’s check him out.”
The manager approached Chet, held a lighter under his left wing, and the parrot began singing, “Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…”
Then he moved the lighter under Chet’s right wing, and the bird sang, “Dashing through the snow…”
“Wow!” Johnny exclaimed. “What else can he sing?”
The manager brought the lighter closer to Chet’s crotch, and the parrot belted out, “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.”
Three men pass away on Christmas Day
Two men are out just fishing quietly
Johnny wanted to get his mom a special Christmas gift, but she was notoriously hard to shop for.
As he walked past a pet store, he thought, “Maybe a pet would be a good idea.”
Entering the store, he asked the manager for suggestions.
“How about a puppy?” the manager offered.
“No,” Johnny replied. “It might make a mess in the house.”
“A fish, perhaps?”
“No, her house is too small for an aquarium.”
Just then, Johnny noticed a parrot and asked, “What about that parrot?”
The manager smiled and said, “That’s Chet. He’s amazing but very expensive.”
Johnny thought for a moment and said, “It’s for my mom. Let’s check him out.”
The manager approached Chet, held a lighter under his left wing, and the parrot began singing, “Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…”
Then he moved the lighter under Chet’s right wing, and the bird sang, “Dashing through the snow…”
“Wow!” Johnny exclaimed. “What else can he sing?”
The manager brought the lighter closer to Chet’s crotch, and the parrot belted out, “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.”
Three men pass away on Christmas Day
Two men are out just fishing quietly
20.
A minister gave a talk to the community center on mating.
When he got home, he couldn’t tell his wife that he had spoken on mating,
So he said he had discussed “Horseback Riding” with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center,…
and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said:,
“Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter,… as he’s only tried it twice.
The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off.”
Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching
George was planning on going out
A minister gave a talk to the community center on mating.
When he got home, he couldn’t tell his wife that he had spoken on mating,
So he said he had discussed “Horseback Riding” with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center,…
and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said:,
“Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter,… as he’s only tried it twice.
The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off.”
Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching
George was planning on going out
21.
Few years have passed and Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time not seeing each other.
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks.
“If there is a memento of some sort inside.”
“Yes,” says Sally, “a look of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
The visiting church school supervisor asks
A blonde was suffering
Few years have passed and Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time not seeing each other.
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks.
“If there is a memento of some sort inside.”
“Yes,” says Sally, “a look of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
The visiting church school supervisor asks
A blonde was suffering
22.
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knocking’!
There’s no paper on this side either!”
One night a lady came home
Mother superior tells two new nuns
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knocking’!
There’s no paper on this side either!”
One night a lady came home
Mother superior tells two new nuns
23.
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid..
The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?”
“Ten,” she replied.
“What are their names?” he asked.
“David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David,” she answered.
“They’re all named David?” he asked.
“What if you want them to come in from playing outside?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said.
“I just call ‘David,’ and they all come running in.”
“And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?”
“I just say, ‘David, come eat your dinner’,” she answered.
“But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said.
“I just use their last name”.
A woman a wakes during the night
A elderly couple were sitting outdoors
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid..
The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?”
“Ten,” she replied.
“What are their names?” he asked.
“David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David,” she answered.
“They’re all named David?” he asked.
“What if you want them to come in from playing outside?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said.
“I just call ‘David,’ and they all come running in.”
“And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?”
“I just say, ‘David, come eat your dinner’,” she answered.
“But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said.
“I just use their last name”.
A woman a wakes during the night
A elderly couple were sitting outdoors
24.
Alan’s wife called him as he was at in the pub last night.
“I’ve cooked dinner,” she screamed,
“And if you’re not home within 20 minutes I’m going to feed it to the dog.”
“Woooah! That’s bang out of order!”
Alan said, “It’s not his fault.”
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper
A sweet old lady telephoned
Alan’s wife called him as he was at in the pub last night.
“I’ve cooked dinner,” she screamed,
“And if you’re not home within 20 minutes I’m going to feed it to the dog.”
“Woooah! That’s bang out of order!”
Alan said, “It’s not his fault.”
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper
A sweet old lady telephoned
25.
In a small rural town the local doctor is known for his abrupt bed-side manners.
His last appointment for the Friday afternoon shows up a bit late, and he is more agitated than normally.
“Yeah, you’re late sit down and speak up!” he greets the woman.
“Doctor, I’m having difficulty falling pregnant, I’ve been trying for years and to no success.”
The doctor doesn’t look up and says, “Good get rid of the clothes and go lie on the bed, and be quick about it.
I’m in a hurry.”
So the woman walks over to the bed and as she was undressing she slowly and very unsurely says, “Doctor, I actually would have preferred the baby to be my husband’s.”
One late Saturday night a young guy
I have become a victim
In a small rural town the local doctor is known for his abrupt bed-side manners.
His last appointment for the Friday afternoon shows up a bit late, and he is more agitated than normally.
“Yeah, you’re late sit down and speak up!” he greets the woman.
“Doctor, I’m having difficulty falling pregnant, I’ve been trying for years and to no success.”
The doctor doesn’t look up and says, “Good get rid of the clothes and go lie on the bed, and be quick about it.
I’m in a hurry.”
So the woman walks over to the bed and as she was undressing she slowly and very unsurely says, “Doctor, I actually would have preferred the baby to be my husband’s.”
One late Saturday night a young guy
I have become a victim
26.
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed undressed, with a lovely young girl.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, “Honey, before you leave, please let me explain.”
The wife stopped to listen.
He continued, “I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn’t like”.
“She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you’d discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday–the one you never wore because the colours didn’t suit you”.
“Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now”.
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered.
“That’s all fine and good,” she said.
“But why did I find you both in our bed with NO clothes on?”
The husband replied, “Well, that’s simple See, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
They go to see their doctor
Johnny greeted his mother at the door
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed undressed, with a lovely young girl.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, “Honey, before you leave, please let me explain.”
The wife stopped to listen.
He continued, “I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn’t like”.
“She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you’d discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday–the one you never wore because the colours didn’t suit you”.
“Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now”.
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered.
“That’s all fine and good,” she said.
“But why did I find you both in our bed with NO clothes on?”
The husband replied, “Well, that’s simple See, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
They go to see their doctor
Johnny greeted his mother at the door
27.
No way man. It’s just it’s just ice cream. Furiously cleans mouth. …I just made this one up. Promise!
Sunny day. Penguin driving down the road. Hears a thump thump from wheel.
Pulls into garage. Take a look at this please.
Ok. Will take a few mins. Go for a walk Penguin.
Sunny day. Penguin get an ice cream.
Waddles around. Bit of window shopping.
Goes back to garage. What’s the story with vehicle garage man? Penguin family at home.
Need to go back and take turn on egg.
Well it looks like you blew a seal…
Cue laughter and cheers …..
My friend has trouble attracting women
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding
No way man. It’s just it’s just ice cream. Furiously cleans mouth. …I just made this one up. Promise!
Sunny day. Penguin driving down the road. Hears a thump thump from wheel.
Pulls into garage. Take a look at this please.
Ok. Will take a few mins. Go for a walk Penguin.
Sunny day. Penguin get an ice cream.
Waddles around. Bit of window shopping.
Goes back to garage. What’s the story with vehicle garage man? Penguin family at home.
Need to go back and take turn on egg.
Well it looks like you blew a seal…
Cue laughter and cheers …..
My friend has trouble attracting women
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding
28.
A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife cant hear him.
How bad is it? the doctor asks.
I have no idea, the husband says.
Well, please test her stand 20 feet away from her and say something.
If she doesn’t hear you, get closer and say the same thing.
Keep moving closer and closer and repeating the comment until she does hear you.
That way well have an idea of her range of hearing loss.
So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner.
From 20 feet away: What are we having for dinner? No answer.
From 10 feet: Same thing.
From 5 feet: Same thing.
Finally, hes standing right behind her: What’s for dinner?
She turns around, looks at him and says: For the FOURTH time, BEEF STEW!
A circuit-riding preacher trained his horse
Little Johnny was sitting in class
A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife cant hear him.
How bad is it? the doctor asks.
I have no idea, the husband says.
Well, please test her stand 20 feet away from her and say something.
If she doesn’t hear you, get closer and say the same thing.
Keep moving closer and closer and repeating the comment until she does hear you.
That way well have an idea of her range of hearing loss.
So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner.
From 20 feet away: What are we having for dinner? No answer.
From 10 feet: Same thing.
From 5 feet: Same thing.
Finally, hes standing right behind her: What’s for dinner?
She turns around, looks at him and says: For the FOURTH time, BEEF STEW!
A circuit-riding preacher trained his horse
Little Johnny was sitting in class
29.
An estranged father take his teenage daughter on a vacation to reconnect with her after her mother passed away
The two check into the resort hotel & spend the day relaxing by the pool & getting to know each other
The next morning the man comes down to reception to order some fresh towels & the concierge ask him how the reconnection going with her
He say to the concierge everything going far better than he expected & he asks the concierge to have a large quantity of lettuce & carrots sent to the room with the towels
The concierge asks him why he want so much lettuce & carrots & the man replies “I want to see if she eats like a rabbit too”
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding
A pregnant woman walking across the street
An estranged father take his teenage daughter on a vacation to reconnect with her after her mother passed away
The two check into the resort hotel & spend the day relaxing by the pool & getting to know each other
The next morning the man comes down to reception to order some fresh towels & the concierge ask him how the reconnection going with her
He say to the concierge everything going far better than he expected & he asks the concierge to have a large quantity of lettuce & carrots sent to the room with the towels
The concierge asks him why he want so much lettuce & carrots & the man replies “I want to see if she eats like a rabbit too”
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding
A pregnant woman walking across the street
30.
Wife sent a message to her husband: Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from office, and says hi to you.
Husband: Who is Rita?
Wife: Nothing, I was just making sure that you read my message or not
Twist in the tale…..
Husband: But I’m with Lisa, which Lisa are you talking about?
Wife: where are you….?
Husband: near vegetable market.
Wife: wait I will come there.
After 10 minutes she texts her husband “where are you”?
Husband: “I m at office, now buy whatever vegetables you need.”
She was going around in turn asking
A man and his wife are traveling
Wife sent a message to her husband: Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from office, and says hi to you.
Husband: Who is Rita?
Wife: Nothing, I was just making sure that you read my message or not
Twist in the tale…..
Husband: But I’m with Lisa, which Lisa are you talking about?
Wife: where are you….?
Husband: near vegetable market.
Wife: wait I will come there.
After 10 minutes she texts her husband “where are you”?
Husband: “I m at office, now buy whatever vegetables you need.”
She was going around in turn asking
A man and his wife are traveling
Tags:
Eng Jokes