1.
A blonde and brunette are sitting next to each other on a plane.
After a few minutes the blonde looks up from the book she reading and asks, who needs a OK in beautiful?
The brunette looks up, puzzled, at the blonde and responds, other is no OK in beautiful?
After a few minutes of thinking the blonde looks back up at the brunette and asks, why is there no in beautiful?
Exasperated the brunette responds, WHO NEEDS A IN BEAUTIFUL?!
Hey wait a second, protested the blonde.
LET’S GIVE CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE!
Isn’t that the question I started off with?! who needs a in beautiful?
Two guys were playing golf
A man died and went up to heaven
A blonde and brunette are sitting next to each other on a plane.
After a few minutes the blonde looks up from the book she reading and asks, who needs a OK in beautiful?
The brunette looks up, puzzled, at the blonde and responds, other is no OK in beautiful?
After a few minutes of thinking the blonde looks back up at the brunette and asks, why is there no in beautiful?
Exasperated the brunette responds, WHO NEEDS A IN BEAUTIFUL?!
Hey wait a second, protested the blonde.
LET’S GIVE CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE!
Isn’t that the question I started off with?! who needs a in beautiful?
Two guys were playing golf
A man died and went up to heaven
2.
A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit.
Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst.
So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars as bribe.
The partner was horrified.
“The judge is an honorable man,” the partner exclaimed.
“If you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!”
Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer’s client.
The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him.
“Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars to the judge?”,
The partner asked. “But I did send them,…”
Replied the lawyer and continued,…
“I just enclosed the complainant’s lawyer’s business card.!”
A teacher told her young class
A guy dials his home and a strange woman
A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit.
Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst.
So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars as bribe.
The partner was horrified.
“The judge is an honorable man,” the partner exclaimed.
“If you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!”
Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer’s client.
The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him.
“Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars to the judge?”,
The partner asked. “But I did send them,…”
Replied the lawyer and continued,…
“I just enclosed the complainant’s lawyer’s business card.!”
A teacher told her young class
A guy dials his home and a strange woman
3.
A girl is sitting on the couch with her grandpa and studying the wrinkles on his old face.
She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles.
She touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the girl asks, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“He sure did honey, a long time ago,” replies her grandpa.
“Well, did God make me?” asks the girl.
“Yes, He did, and that wasn’t too long ago,” answers her grandpa.
“Boy,” says the little girl, “He’s sure doing a lot better job these days isn’t He?”
They walked down to their old school
A couple were having problems remembering things
A girl is sitting on the couch with her grandpa and studying the wrinkles on his old face.
She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles.
She touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the girl asks, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“He sure did honey, a long time ago,” replies her grandpa.
“Well, did God make me?” asks the girl.
“Yes, He did, and that wasn’t too long ago,” answers her grandpa.
“Boy,” says the little girl, “He’s sure doing a lot better job these days isn’t He?”
They walked down to their old school
A couple were having problems remembering things
4.
When the expensive printer photocopier in an office began print black lines on every page,
The office manager called a local repair shop,
where a friendly man informed him that the unit probably needed only to be cleaned.
Because the store charged $100 for such cleaning,
He said, the manager might try reading the manual and doing the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asked,
“Does your boss know that you discourage business?”
“Actually it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied.
“We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”
A man asked his doctor
While teaching religion class
When the expensive printer photocopier in an office began print black lines on every page,
The office manager called a local repair shop,
where a friendly man informed him that the unit probably needed only to be cleaned.
Because the store charged $100 for such cleaning,
He said, the manager might try reading the manual and doing the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asked,
“Does your boss know that you discourage business?”
“Actually it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied.
“We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”
A man asked his doctor
While teaching religion class
5.
One day, Emma came home and asked her mother, Sarah, to speak in private.
They sat down in the kitchen, and Emma took a deep breath before she spoke.
“I’m pregnant, Mom.
Sarah couldn’t believe what she was hearing, her eyes were wide open and she couldn’t calm down.
“WHAT?! How could this happen?!” she exclaimed
“It happened during a school project…”
Emma looked nervously at her mother and tried to explain.
“Well… It happened while working on a school project for our Life Orientation class.
We were experimenting with how life begins. You know how children are born and such,” said Ida.
“Okay… I see where this is going.
But who’s the father? We must contact him at once Emma!”
Her daughter, with a regretful look on her face, answered:
“I don’t know mom, it was a group project.”
A boy who was a witness to a crime
A man is talking to his best friend
One day, Emma came home and asked her mother, Sarah, to speak in private.
They sat down in the kitchen, and Emma took a deep breath before she spoke.
“I’m pregnant, Mom.
Sarah couldn’t believe what she was hearing, her eyes were wide open and she couldn’t calm down.
“WHAT?! How could this happen?!” she exclaimed
“It happened during a school project…”
Emma looked nervously at her mother and tried to explain.
“Well… It happened while working on a school project for our Life Orientation class.
We were experimenting with how life begins. You know how children are born and such,” said Ida.
“Okay… I see where this is going.
But who’s the father? We must contact him at once Emma!”
Her daughter, with a regretful look on her face, answered:
“I don’t know mom, it was a group project.”
A boy who was a witness to a crime
A man is talking to his best friend
6.
One day an old lady and an old man were sitting on their porch when the old lady says “Hey pa, why don’t you run down to the restaurant and get us some ice cream.”
Pa said, “OK I will go right now.”
Ma told him that she had better write it down for him, because he always forgets.
He said no he would be fine, so off he went to the restaurant.
When he got back he handed her a hamburger and she said “Dang it pa, I knew you would forget, I told you to get mustard on mine!”
A man went to his doctor and told
Two men are drinking in a bar
One day an old lady and an old man were sitting on their porch when the old lady says “Hey pa, why don’t you run down to the restaurant and get us some ice cream.”
Pa said, “OK I will go right now.”
Ma told him that she had better write it down for him, because he always forgets.
He said no he would be fine, so off he went to the restaurant.
When he got back he handed her a hamburger and she said “Dang it pa, I knew you would forget, I told you to get mustard on mine!”
A man went to his doctor and told
Two men are drinking in a bar
7.
A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus; she noticed the man opposite to her was smiling at her so she immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Slogan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling” and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick” and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident “I just lost it.”
A blonde and a brunet are getting in the elevator
Two friends are having drinks
A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus; she noticed the man opposite to her was smiling at her so she immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Slogan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling” and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick” and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident “I just lost it.”
A blonde and a brunet are getting in the elevator
Two friends are having drinks
8.
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.
“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.
“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said,
“Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we’re still on the top side of the grass!”
This bloke went into a nightclub
A man boards a flight
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.
“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.
“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said,
“Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we’re still on the top side of the grass!”
This bloke went into a nightclub
A man boards a flight
9.
Mick says to Paddy, “I can’t be bothered to walk all that way.”
“I know,” says Paddy, “But we’ve no money for a cab and we’ve missed the last bus home.”
“We could steal a bus from the depot,” Mick suggests.
They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, “Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?”
Paddy shouts back, “I can’t find a No 91…”
“Oh Jesus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No 14 and we’ll walk from the roundabout”.
A old man was having his annual checkup
Wife Comes Home Drunk
Mick says to Paddy, “I can’t be bothered to walk all that way.”
“I know,” says Paddy, “But we’ve no money for a cab and we’ve missed the last bus home.”
“We could steal a bus from the depot,” Mick suggests.
They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, “Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?”
Paddy shouts back, “I can’t find a No 91…”
“Oh Jesus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No 14 and we’ll walk from the roundabout”.
A old man was having his annual checkup
Wife Comes Home Drunk
10.
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his make love life.
The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn’t get a clear picture of the problems.
Finally he asked, “Do you ever watch your girlfriend’s face while you’re having lovemaking?”
“Well, yes, I did once.”
“And how did she look?”
“Oh boy, she looked very angry!”
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.
“Well that’s very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend’s face once during make love. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?”
“She was watching us through the window.”
A elderly lady went to the doctor
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his make love life.
The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn’t get a clear picture of the problems.
Finally he asked, “Do you ever watch your girlfriend’s face while you’re having lovemaking?”
“Well, yes, I did once.”
“And how did she look?”
“Oh boy, she looked very angry!”
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.
“Well that’s very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend’s face once during make love. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?”
“She was watching us through the window.”
A elderly lady went to the doctor
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids
11.
An elderly man and his wife are losing their memory
An elderly man and his wife are losing their memory. Fearful that they may be developing early signs of dementia, Alzheimers, or the like, they speed off to their doctor.
The doctor gives them a thorough examination and says, “Honestly, you are both in great shape and should take pride in your physical fitness.
Go home, relax a little, and if you’re still having trouble with your memories, just try to write things down so you can’t forget.”
Gleefully returning home with fears of permanent memory loss behind them, the couple decides to celebrate with a movie. In the middle of the movie, the older gentleman makes a move for the kitchen.
“Where are you going?” asks the wife
“Just going to grab some vanilla ice cream,” replies the husband
“Oh, grab me some too, then!” The man nodes his head in affirmation and begins his walk towards the kitchen.
“Shouldn’t you write it down like the doctor recommended?”
“It’s just some vanilla ice cream, I can remember.”
“In that case, throw some whipped cream and a cherry on top, why don’t ya?” The wife added Again the man nodded in affirmation and began walking towards the kitchen.
“Well shouldn’t you write it down?”
“It’s just some vanilla ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top, I’ve got it,” the man replies growing weary of this conversation.
He is in the kitchen banging around for roughly 15 minutes and returns with two plates of steaming hot bacon and eggs. The wife looks at him utterly befuddled and says,
“Well hey, you forgot my toast!”
There was once a small town
A Texas State trooper pulled a car
An elderly man and his wife are losing their memory
An elderly man and his wife are losing their memory. Fearful that they may be developing early signs of dementia, Alzheimers, or the like, they speed off to their doctor.
The doctor gives them a thorough examination and says, “Honestly, you are both in great shape and should take pride in your physical fitness.
Go home, relax a little, and if you’re still having trouble with your memories, just try to write things down so you can’t forget.”
Gleefully returning home with fears of permanent memory loss behind them, the couple decides to celebrate with a movie. In the middle of the movie, the older gentleman makes a move for the kitchen.
“Where are you going?” asks the wife
“Just going to grab some vanilla ice cream,” replies the husband
“Oh, grab me some too, then!” The man nodes his head in affirmation and begins his walk towards the kitchen.
“Shouldn’t you write it down like the doctor recommended?”
“It’s just some vanilla ice cream, I can remember.”
“In that case, throw some whipped cream and a cherry on top, why don’t ya?” The wife added Again the man nodded in affirmation and began walking towards the kitchen.
“Well shouldn’t you write it down?”
“It’s just some vanilla ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top, I’ve got it,” the man replies growing weary of this conversation.
He is in the kitchen banging around for roughly 15 minutes and returns with two plates of steaming hot bacon and eggs. The wife looks at him utterly befuddled and says,
“Well hey, you forgot my toast!”
There was once a small town
A Texas State trooper pulled a car
12.
An old lady goes to her bank and presents a cheque for Rs 1000/- to the cashier, a young girl.
Cashier: lady, you should withdraw such small amounts from the ATM outside. Don’t waste a cheque leaf and my time.
Old lady: What’s the problem with giving me Rs 1000/- cash?
Cashier: Sorry lady, can’t be done. You either go to the ATM, or increase the amount to be withdrawn.
Old lady: Okay, I want to withdraw all money in my account, keeping a minimum mandatory balance.
The cashier checks her account balance and finds it to be over Rs 80 lakhs!
She says, “we don’t have that much cash in the safe right now. But if you give me a cheque for Rs 80 lakhs, we can arrange the cash tomorrow.”
Old lady: How much can you give me right now?
Cashier: checks the bank’s cash balance lady, I can give you Rs 10 lakhs straight away.
The old lady tears off the earlier cheque of Rs 1000/-, writes a new one for Rs 10 lakhs and hands it to the cashier.
While the young girl is gone to the vault to get the cash, the old lady grabs a cash deposit slip from the public shelf and fills it up.
The young girl returns with the cash, meticulously counts out Rs 10 lakhs, gives it to the old lady and says,
“there you are, lady. Now you will have to carry this pile home on your own. But count your money before leaving the counter. I won’t entertain any complaint later.”
The old lady picks out two notes of Rs 500/- from the pile, puts them in her purse and says,
“I trust you, I don’t need to count. Now, here’s a cash deposit slip. Please deposit Rs 9,99,000/- into my account and give me the stamped and signed counterfoil. And yes, count the cash in my presence.”
Two elderly ladies had been friends
A grandma was cleaning her attic with her cat
An old lady goes to her bank and presents a cheque for Rs 1000/- to the cashier, a young girl.
Cashier: lady, you should withdraw such small amounts from the ATM outside. Don’t waste a cheque leaf and my time.
Old lady: What’s the problem with giving me Rs 1000/- cash?
Cashier: Sorry lady, can’t be done. You either go to the ATM, or increase the amount to be withdrawn.
Old lady: Okay, I want to withdraw all money in my account, keeping a minimum mandatory balance.
The cashier checks her account balance and finds it to be over Rs 80 lakhs!
She says, “we don’t have that much cash in the safe right now. But if you give me a cheque for Rs 80 lakhs, we can arrange the cash tomorrow.”
Old lady: How much can you give me right now?
Cashier: checks the bank’s cash balance lady, I can give you Rs 10 lakhs straight away.
The old lady tears off the earlier cheque of Rs 1000/-, writes a new one for Rs 10 lakhs and hands it to the cashier.
While the young girl is gone to the vault to get the cash, the old lady grabs a cash deposit slip from the public shelf and fills it up.
The young girl returns with the cash, meticulously counts out Rs 10 lakhs, gives it to the old lady and says,
“there you are, lady. Now you will have to carry this pile home on your own. But count your money before leaving the counter. I won’t entertain any complaint later.”
The old lady picks out two notes of Rs 500/- from the pile, puts them in her purse and says,
“I trust you, I don’t need to count. Now, here’s a cash deposit slip. Please deposit Rs 9,99,000/- into my account and give me the stamped and signed counterfoil. And yes, count the cash in my presence.”
Two elderly ladies had been friends
A grandma was cleaning her attic with her cat
13.
Two hunters are in the woods in deer season.
The morning hunt over, they head back to camp together.
As they make their way along the path, they hear a loud crashing noise and look up to see a very large bear charging down a hillside.
Realizing simultaneously, that they are the bear’s intended targets, not to mention lunch, one of the hunters immediately takes off his back pack, drops to the ground and begins to change from his hunting boots to tennis shoes.
The other hunter bewildered asks “You don’t really think you can out run that bear do you?”
The first hunter replies, “No, but I can outrun you.”
Sarah parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend
A businessman is driving down
Two hunters are in the woods in deer season.
The morning hunt over, they head back to camp together.
As they make their way along the path, they hear a loud crashing noise and look up to see a very large bear charging down a hillside.
Realizing simultaneously, that they are the bear’s intended targets, not to mention lunch, one of the hunters immediately takes off his back pack, drops to the ground and begins to change from his hunting boots to tennis shoes.
The other hunter bewildered asks “You don’t really think you can out run that bear do you?”
The first hunter replies, “No, but I can outrun you.”
Sarah parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend
A businessman is driving down
14.
There was once a man who was looking to create a new idiom.
He was having trouble thinking of one, so he decided to look around there. He didn’t find anything.
So he got into his car, drove to town, and looked around there for inspiration.
As you can probably guess, he had no luck.
The man eventually gave up and went to see a friend on their farm. He was driving as he passed down a rustic looking well.
He pulled over and rushed to closer inspect the well.
It was located near the ocean, it had a handle to pull up the bucket that had a weight on the other side, and it looked very old.
The man was suddenly struck with inspiration. He ran home and told other people. His idiom?
Well, Weight and Sea. I’ll tell you in a bit
3 sailors get stranded on an island
A lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot
There was once a man who was looking to create a new idiom.
He was having trouble thinking of one, so he decided to look around there. He didn’t find anything.
So he got into his car, drove to town, and looked around there for inspiration.
As you can probably guess, he had no luck.
The man eventually gave up and went to see a friend on their farm. He was driving as he passed down a rustic looking well.
He pulled over and rushed to closer inspect the well.
It was located near the ocean, it had a handle to pull up the bucket that had a weight on the other side, and it looked very old.
The man was suddenly struck with inspiration. He ran home and told other people. His idiom?
Well, Weight and Sea. I’ll tell you in a bit
3 sailors get stranded on an island
A lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot
15.
Little Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom one day and found him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a protection onto his weapon.
In an attempt to hide his full self enjoyment, Johnny’s father bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously, “What ya doing’, Dad?”
His father quickly replied, “I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.”
Johnny replied, “What ya gonna do, bang him?”
A queer couple celebrating birthday
After a wonderful night of lovemaking
Little Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom one day and found him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a protection onto his weapon.
In an attempt to hide his full self enjoyment, Johnny’s father bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously, “What ya doing’, Dad?”
His father quickly replied, “I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.”
Johnny replied, “What ya gonna do, bang him?”
A queer couple celebrating birthday
After a wonderful night of lovemaking
16.
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.
The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate
He then dug a hole and buried the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they all dead?”
The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”
Two friends were walking through
little boys were lying on stretchers
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.
The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate
He then dug a hole and buried the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they all dead?”
The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”
Two friends were walking through
little boys were lying on stretchers
17.
There was once a couple that had been married for 20 years.
They had a fine love life, with one exception:
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights completely.
Well, at first it wasn’t so annoying, but after so many years of marriage the wife felt it was foolish.
She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a specially made pleasure device.
She got very angry.
“You impotent bastard!” she screamed at him.
“How could you have been lying to me all these years? You better explain yourself!”
The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly:
“I’ll explain the toy if you explain the kids.”
A husband said to his wife
A man and his wife were having an argument
There was once a couple that had been married for 20 years.
They had a fine love life, with one exception:
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights completely.
Well, at first it wasn’t so annoying, but after so many years of marriage the wife felt it was foolish.
She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a specially made pleasure device.
She got very angry.
“You impotent bastard!” she screamed at him.
“How could you have been lying to me all these years? You better explain yourself!”
The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly:
“I’ll explain the toy if you explain the kids.”
A husband said to his wife
A man and his wife were having an argument
18.
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him,
“If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”
Johnny says, “None.”
The teacher asks, “Why?” Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all off.”
The teacher says, “No, there are two left, but I like how you’re thinking.
Then Johnny asks the teacher, “You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor.”
One is licking her ice cream, one is taste it her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream.
Which one is married?” And the teacher responds,
“The one taste it her ice cream.”
Johnny says, “No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking
Anna realized that she had grown
One evening a husband and wife
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him,
“If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”
Johnny says, “None.”
The teacher asks, “Why?” Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all off.”
The teacher says, “No, there are two left, but I like how you’re thinking.
Then Johnny asks the teacher, “You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor.”
One is licking her ice cream, one is taste it her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream.
Which one is married?” And the teacher responds,
“The one taste it her ice cream.”
Johnny says, “No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking
Anna realized that she had grown
One evening a husband and wife
19.
An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
“Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm”?
“Because he was conceived during a mighty storm”, she said.
Then he asked “Why is my sister named Cornflower”?
“Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her”, she replied.
He then asked “And why is my other sister called Moon child”?
“We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived”, the mother replies.
The mother paused and said to her son… “Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”
A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed
A elderly couple were having an elegant dinner
An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
“Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm”?
“Because he was conceived during a mighty storm”, she said.
Then he asked “Why is my sister named Cornflower”?
“Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her”, she replied.
He then asked “And why is my other sister called Moon child”?
“We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived”, the mother replies.
The mother paused and said to her son… “Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”
A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed
A elderly couple were having an elegant dinner
20.
Hodja had a dream.
A man knocked at his door and asked if he could spend the night in his house.
He said he would pay 10 gold coins for the privilege.
Hodja agreed and showed him to his room.
The next morning, the man thanked Hodja and began taking out gold coins from his purse he took out nine and stopped.
“You promised to give me ten!” shouted Hodja and awoke.
He looked around for the man but there was no one there.
He quickly shut his eyes again all right all right, he said “Give me nine!”
A philosophy professor
Queensland farmers Jim and Bob
Hodja had a dream.
A man knocked at his door and asked if he could spend the night in his house.
He said he would pay 10 gold coins for the privilege.
Hodja agreed and showed him to his room.
The next morning, the man thanked Hodja and began taking out gold coins from his purse he took out nine and stopped.
“You promised to give me ten!” shouted Hodja and awoke.
He looked around for the man but there was no one there.
He quickly shut his eyes again all right all right, he said “Give me nine!”
A philosophy professor
Queensland farmers Jim and Bob
21.
A school teacher used to take a short nap every afternoon.
When his pupils asked him why he did so, he said that he went to dreamland to meet ancient sages.
One extremely hot day some of the pupils fell asleep in the afternoon.
When the school-teacher chided them, they said:
“We went to meet the sages in dreamland.”
“What did they say?” demanded the teacher.
“We asked them if a school- teacher came there every afternoon, but they said they had seen no such person.”
A beautiful redhead
Man And Ostrich
A school teacher used to take a short nap every afternoon.
When his pupils asked him why he did so, he said that he went to dreamland to meet ancient sages.
One extremely hot day some of the pupils fell asleep in the afternoon.
When the school-teacher chided them, they said:
“We went to meet the sages in dreamland.”
“What did they say?” demanded the teacher.
“We asked them if a school- teacher came there every afternoon, but they said they had seen no such person.”
A beautiful redhead
Man And Ostrich
22.
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror.
However, this does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
Then one day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now saying that her fronts are too small.
So the husband comes up with a suggestion,
“If you want your fronts to grow larger, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your fronts for a few seconds.”
Goes to fetch paper Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper.
And then once again, she stands in front of the mirror, this time rubbing paper between her fronts.
“How long will this take?” she asks.
“They’ll grow slightly larger every day over the years,” he replies.
The wife stops, turns to him and says,
“Wait, why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my fronts every day will make my fronts grow over the years?”
The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your bum, didn’t it?
A man standing at a urinal
Man decides to rob a Russian restaurant
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror.
However, this does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
Then one day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now saying that her fronts are too small.
So the husband comes up with a suggestion,
“If you want your fronts to grow larger, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your fronts for a few seconds.”
Goes to fetch paper Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper.
And then once again, she stands in front of the mirror, this time rubbing paper between her fronts.
“How long will this take?” she asks.
“They’ll grow slightly larger every day over the years,” he replies.
The wife stops, turns to him and says,
“Wait, why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my fronts every day will make my fronts grow over the years?”
The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your bum, didn’t it?
A man standing at a urinal
Man decides to rob a Russian restaurant
23.
An elderly married couple is having problems in the bedroom.
So the wife goes to an toy store and asks the worker behind the counter what she can do to spice up her lovemaking.
The worker suggests some privates underwear and takes her to see some.
The wife looks at them and thinks they’re perfect She can’t wait to get home and wear them for her husband.
When she gets home she finds her husband is still out.
She makes her way up the bedroom to put on her new underwear.
She eagerly waits for her husband to get home.
After some time she hears him come in.
He calls out to her, “where are you??”
“I’m in the bedroom, dear!” She replies.
He makes his way up to the bedroom and sees his wife laying back in bed.
“Want some of this?” She asks as she spreads her legs open to give him a nice view.
The man takes one looks and says, “Hell no! Look what it did to your underwear!”
The teacher asked the class to use the word
A few women were sitting around the table
An elderly married couple is having problems in the bedroom.
So the wife goes to an toy store and asks the worker behind the counter what she can do to spice up her lovemaking.
The worker suggests some privates underwear and takes her to see some.
The wife looks at them and thinks they’re perfect She can’t wait to get home and wear them for her husband.
When she gets home she finds her husband is still out.
She makes her way up the bedroom to put on her new underwear.
She eagerly waits for her husband to get home.
After some time she hears him come in.
He calls out to her, “where are you??”
“I’m in the bedroom, dear!” She replies.
He makes his way up to the bedroom and sees his wife laying back in bed.
“Want some of this?” She asks as she spreads her legs open to give him a nice view.
The man takes one looks and says, “Hell no! Look what it did to your underwear!”
The teacher asked the class to use the word
A few women were sitting around the table
24.
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination but found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him.
“Listen,” the doctor said, “if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”
“I know,” said the man, “but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.”
A golfer was having a tough day
Joe had asked Bob to help
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination but found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him.
“Listen,” the doctor said, “if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”
“I know,” said the man, “but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.”
A golfer was having a tough day
Joe had asked Bob to help
25.
Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course,
And they didn’t bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said,
“I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”
He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped,turned around and came back, explaining,
“I can’t do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”
The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped,turned around and walked back.
He smiled sheepishly and said, “Small World!”
A circus owner walked into a bar
The rat was in the middle
Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course,
And they didn’t bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said,
“I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”
He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped,turned around and came back, explaining,
“I can’t do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”
The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped,turned around and walked back.
He smiled sheepishly and said, “Small World!”
A circus owner walked into a bar
The rat was in the middle
26.
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little. weight.
“Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?” he asked.
“No, Father. Just a little gas.” sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.
“Gaining some weight are we sister Susan?” he asked again.
“Oh no, father. Just a little gas.”
She replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent.
He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, “Cute little fart.”
Two blonde girls walk into a store
Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little. weight.
“Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?” he asked.
“No, Father. Just a little gas.” sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.
“Gaining some weight are we sister Susan?” he asked again.
“Oh no, father. Just a little gas.”
She replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent.
He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, “Cute little fart.”
Two blonde girls walk into a store
Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers
27.
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, “I should be boss because I control the wh*le body’s responses and functions.”
The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”
The hands said, “We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the bastard spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the bastard being the Boss.
So the bastard went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the bastard should be the boss, so the motion was passed.
All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!
A beggar was given a piece of bread
She walked to the station to borrow
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, “I should be boss because I control the wh*le body’s responses and functions.”
The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”
The hands said, “We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the bastard spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the bastard being the Boss.
So the bastard went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the bastard should be the boss, so the motion was passed.
All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!
A beggar was given a piece of bread
She walked to the station to borrow
28.
A man working in an IT company became sick.
He consulted many multi-facility hospitals but still couldn’t get cured…
He was sad.
Then his wife advised, “why don’t you consult a veterinary doctor?”
He was shocked.
He screamed at her, ‘Are you mad?’
She spoke softly ‘Nothing happened to me… It is you have a problem. You wake up early in the morning like cock, take a half bath like a crow, eat something like a monkey, and then run to the office like a racehorse, there you work like a donkey, and you scream to your juniors like a wild bear, evening you reach home and bark at us like a dog, then you eat like a crocodile, at night you go to bed and sleep like a buffalo.
That’s the reason why I asked you to meet a veterinary doctor.’
The man just sat and gaped at her.
The wife asked, Now why are u looking at me like an owl?’
A man goes into a pet shop
A man and his wife were driving
A man working in an IT company became sick.
He consulted many multi-facility hospitals but still couldn’t get cured…
He was sad.
Then his wife advised, “why don’t you consult a veterinary doctor?”
He was shocked.
He screamed at her, ‘Are you mad?’
She spoke softly ‘Nothing happened to me… It is you have a problem. You wake up early in the morning like cock, take a half bath like a crow, eat something like a monkey, and then run to the office like a racehorse, there you work like a donkey, and you scream to your juniors like a wild bear, evening you reach home and bark at us like a dog, then you eat like a crocodile, at night you go to bed and sleep like a buffalo.
That’s the reason why I asked you to meet a veterinary doctor.’
The man just sat and gaped at her.
The wife asked, Now why are u looking at me like an owl?’
A man goes into a pet shop
A man and his wife were driving
29.
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket.
As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her “no.”
The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.”
He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy.
When she was told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry.
The mother said, “There, there, Ellen, don’t cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we’ll be checking out.”
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today.
The mother patiently said, “Ellen, we’ll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her.
“I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen…”
The mother broke in, “My little girl’s name is Tammy… I’m Ellen.”
A man walks into a bar orders a drink
A couple married for over 50 years
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket.
As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her “no.”
The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.”
He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy.
When she was told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry.
The mother said, “There, there, Ellen, don’t cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we’ll be checking out.”
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today.
The mother patiently said, “Ellen, we’ll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her.
“I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen…”
The mother broke in, “My little girl’s name is Tammy… I’m Ellen.”
A man walks into a bar orders a drink
A couple married for over 50 years
30.
Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.
When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
We will do that for you, said one of the younger men.
But do you mind if it passes through our kidneys first?
A Scottish farmer is sitting on his front porch
A older man walked into a jewelery store
Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.
When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
We will do that for you, said one of the younger men.
But do you mind if it passes through our kidneys first?
A Scottish farmer is sitting on his front porch
A older man walked into a jewelery store
Tags:
Eng Jokes