1.
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site:
Paddy says to Murphy.
“I’m gonna have the day off,I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!”
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts
“I’M A LIGHT BULB! I’M A LIGHT BULB!”
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts!
“Paddy you’re mad, go home!”
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
“Where the hell are you going?” Asks the Foreman.
“I can’t work in the dark!” Says Murphy!
A woman wearing a real tight dress
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site:
Paddy says to Murphy.
“I’m gonna have the day off,I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!”
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts
“I’M A LIGHT BULB! I’M A LIGHT BULB!”
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts!
“Paddy you’re mad, go home!”
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
“Where the hell are you going?” Asks the Foreman.
“I can’t work in the dark!” Says Murphy!
A woman wearing a real tight dress
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm
2.
A police officer asks a thief, “Why did you steal this stranger’s watch?”
The thief replies, “I didn’t steal it — he gave it to me!”
The policeman asks, “When did he give it to you?”
The thief tells him, “When I showed him the gun.”
A man lives in a high rise
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline
A police officer asks a thief, “Why did you steal this stranger’s watch?”
The thief replies, “I didn’t steal it — he gave it to me!”
The policeman asks, “When did he give it to you?”
The thief tells him, “When I showed him the gun.”
A man lives in a high rise
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline
3.
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner.
After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.
Her daughter asked her, “Why did you cut off the end of the ham?
And she replied, “I really don’t know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to.”
Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, “I really don’t know, but that’s the way my mom always did it.”
A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, “Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?”
Her grandmother replied, “Well, dear, that’s the only way it would fit into my baking pan.”
A 75 year old man was walking
A old lady finished her annual physical
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner.
After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.
Her daughter asked her, “Why did you cut off the end of the ham?
And she replied, “I really don’t know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to.”
Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, “I really don’t know, but that’s the way my mom always did it.”
A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, “Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?”
Her grandmother replied, “Well, dear, that’s the only way it would fit into my baking pan.”
A 75 year old man was walking
A old lady finished her annual physical
4.
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, “my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him “Father.”
The second Catholic women chirps, “Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, “Your Grace.”
The third Catholic woman says smugly, “well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, “Your Eminence.”
The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her a subtle “Well…?”
She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6’2”, hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, “My God.”
Two women go out one Saturday night
A man walked into a local pharmacy
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, “my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him “Father.”
The second Catholic women chirps, “Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, “Your Grace.”
The third Catholic woman says smugly, “well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, “Your Eminence.”
The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her a subtle “Well…?”
She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6’2”, hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, “My God.”
Two women go out one Saturday night
A man walked into a local pharmacy
5.
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie.
He decides to test it out on his son at supper.
Dad says: “Where were you last night?”
Son says: “I was at the library.”
The robot slaps the son.
Son says “OK, I was at a friend’s house.”
“Doing what?” asked the father.
Son says: “Watching a movie toy Story.”
The robot slaps the son.
“OK it was dirty!” cried the son.
Father yells “What? When I was your age I didn’t know what dirty was.”
The robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs and says, “He certainly is your son.”
The robot slaps the mother.
Three men are playing golf
Paddy’s friend is hit by a car
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie.
He decides to test it out on his son at supper.
Dad says: “Where were you last night?”
Son says: “I was at the library.”
The robot slaps the son.
Son says “OK, I was at a friend’s house.”
“Doing what?” asked the father.
Son says: “Watching a movie toy Story.”
The robot slaps the son.
“OK it was dirty!” cried the son.
Father yells “What? When I was your age I didn’t know what dirty was.”
The robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs and says, “He certainly is your son.”
The robot slaps the mother.
Three men are playing golf
Paddy’s friend is hit by a car
6.
An 80-year-old woman walks into a tattoo shop, looks directly at the artist and says, “I want to get a tattoo”.
The artist hesitantly replies “Well, ok where would you like this tattoo?”
Old lady: “actually I want two, one on the inside of my left thigh and one and the inside of my right thigh.”
Artist: “you know how much this will hurt? Are you really sure you want them there?”
Old lady barks at him: “of course I know that’s where I want them! I don’t care how much it will hurt!”
Artist: “okay, whatever you want then. Let’s take a look at art the art book to see if there is something you want.”
Old lady: “I already know what I want. I want a Christmas tree on my left thigh, and a turkey on my right thigh”
Artist: “uhhhh ok, I will do that, but could you answer me as to why you would want such a thing?”
Old lady: “because in sick of my husband complaining there is nothing to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving!
A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday
A man was in hurry to catch a train
An 80-year-old woman walks into a tattoo shop, looks directly at the artist and says, “I want to get a tattoo”.
The artist hesitantly replies “Well, ok where would you like this tattoo?”
Old lady: “actually I want two, one on the inside of my left thigh and one and the inside of my right thigh.”
Artist: “you know how much this will hurt? Are you really sure you want them there?”
Old lady barks at him: “of course I know that’s where I want them! I don’t care how much it will hurt!”
Artist: “okay, whatever you want then. Let’s take a look at art the art book to see if there is something you want.”
Old lady: “I already know what I want. I want a Christmas tree on my left thigh, and a turkey on my right thigh”
Artist: “uhhhh ok, I will do that, but could you answer me as to why you would want such a thing?”
Old lady: “because in sick of my husband complaining there is nothing to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving!
A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday
A man was in hurry to catch a train
7.
Johnny wanted to get his mom a special Christmas gift, but she was notoriously hard to shop for.
As he walked past a pet store, he thought, “Maybe a pet would be a good idea.”
Entering the store, he asked the manager for suggestions.
“How about a puppy?” the manager offered.
“No,” Johnny replied. “It might make a mess in the house.”
“A fish, perhaps?”
“No, her house is too small for an aquarium.”
Just then, Johnny noticed a parrot and asked, “What about that parrot?”
The manager smiled and said, “That’s Chet. He’s amazing but very expensive.”
Johnny thought for a moment and said, “It’s for my mom. Let’s check him out.”
The manager approached Chet, held a lighter under his left wing, and the parrot began singing, “Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…”
Then he moved the lighter under Chet’s right wing, and the bird sang, “Dashing through the snow…”
“Wow!” Johnny exclaimed. “What else can he sing?”
The manager brought the lighter closer to Chet’s crotch, and the parrot belted out, “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.”
Three men pass away on Christmas Day
Two men are out just fishing quietly
Johnny wanted to get his mom a special Christmas gift, but she was notoriously hard to shop for.
As he walked past a pet store, he thought, “Maybe a pet would be a good idea.”
Entering the store, he asked the manager for suggestions.
“How about a puppy?” the manager offered.
“No,” Johnny replied. “It might make a mess in the house.”
“A fish, perhaps?”
“No, her house is too small for an aquarium.”
Just then, Johnny noticed a parrot and asked, “What about that parrot?”
The manager smiled and said, “That’s Chet. He’s amazing but very expensive.”
Johnny thought for a moment and said, “It’s for my mom. Let’s check him out.”
The manager approached Chet, held a lighter under his left wing, and the parrot began singing, “Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…”
Then he moved the lighter under Chet’s right wing, and the bird sang, “Dashing through the snow…”
“Wow!” Johnny exclaimed. “What else can he sing?”
The manager brought the lighter closer to Chet’s crotch, and the parrot belted out, “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.”
Three men pass away on Christmas Day
Two men are out just fishing quietly
8.
I wanted to pick up a few more tennis balls before meeting my friend for game.
The club house had a bin of slightly used balls and I picked out a couple and went to buy them.
The cashier asked if I wanted a bag for them and I said, “it’s OK, I’ll just put them in my front pockets.”
While walking out of the store another guy came walking in and saw me with my pockets bulging.
“What’s wrong with your pockets?” he asked.
“Oh, it’s just tennis balls.” I said.
“Oh wow, how are you even able to walk?
I had tennis elbow once and I could barely move my arms.”
In a neighbourhood
A kangaroo at the zoo
I wanted to pick up a few more tennis balls before meeting my friend for game.
The club house had a bin of slightly used balls and I picked out a couple and went to buy them.
The cashier asked if I wanted a bag for them and I said, “it’s OK, I’ll just put them in my front pockets.”
While walking out of the store another guy came walking in and saw me with my pockets bulging.
“What’s wrong with your pockets?” he asked.
“Oh, it’s just tennis balls.” I said.
“Oh wow, how are you even able to walk?
I had tennis elbow once and I could barely move my arms.”
In a neighbourhood
A kangaroo at the zoo
9.
An Irishman is in the bar, drinking a pint of Guinness.
A lady next To him says, “What a coincidence, I am having Guinness too.”
Irish man: “I’m celebrating.”
Lady: “Me too.”
Irish man: “What a coincidence! Why are you celebrating?”
Lady: “My husband & I have tried for 4 years for a baby. Today I’m pregnant!”
Irishman: “What a coincidence! I am a farmer. For 4 years my hens couldn’t lay any eggs. Today all are laying eggs!”
Lady: “Wow! How did that happen?”
Irishman: “I used a different tool.”
Lady smiled and said, “WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!”
She saw her daughter with a vibrator
A old man goes to his doctor
An Irishman is in the bar, drinking a pint of Guinness.
A lady next To him says, “What a coincidence, I am having Guinness too.”
Irish man: “I’m celebrating.”
Lady: “Me too.”
Irish man: “What a coincidence! Why are you celebrating?”
Lady: “My husband & I have tried for 4 years for a baby. Today I’m pregnant!”
Irishman: “What a coincidence! I am a farmer. For 4 years my hens couldn’t lay any eggs. Today all are laying eggs!”
Lady: “Wow! How did that happen?”
Irishman: “I used a different tool.”
Lady smiled and said, “WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!”
She saw her daughter with a vibrator
A old man goes to his doctor
10.
A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asked the wife.
“It’s on sale. Only $10 for a case,” he replies.
“We can’t afford it. Put it back,” demands the wife.
They continue shopping and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
“So does the Budweiser and it’s half the price,” retorts the husband.
John and David were both patients
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry
A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asked the wife.
“It’s on sale. Only $10 for a case,” he replies.
“We can’t afford it. Put it back,” demands the wife.
They continue shopping and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
“So does the Budweiser and it’s half the price,” retorts the husband.
John and David were both patients
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry
11.
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told,
“You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog said, “That’s great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?”
“No,” said the psychic, “Next term — in her biology class.”
Mark showed up for work with two very red and sore ears.
“Gees, what happened to you??” asked Frank, a co-worker.
“I was watching TV by the tool board,” Mark replied
“The phone rang I picked up the tool instead, thinking it was the phone.”
“So, what happened to your other ear?” asked Frank.
“The guy called back.”
A police officer asks a thief
A artist asked the gallery owner
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told,
“You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog said, “That’s great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?”
“No,” said the psychic, “Next term — in her biology class.”
Mark showed up for work with two very red and sore ears.
“Gees, what happened to you??” asked Frank, a co-worker.
“I was watching TV by the tool board,” Mark replied
“The phone rang I picked up the tool instead, thinking it was the phone.”
“So, what happened to your other ear?” asked Frank.
“The guy called back.”
A police officer asks a thief
A artist asked the gallery owner
12.
Harry was stunned to come home from work one evening and find his wife stuffing all her belongings into a suitcase.
“What on earth are you doing?” he cried.
“I can’t stand it anymore!” she shrieked.
“Thirty-two years we’ve been married, and all we do is bicker and quarrel and ignore each other. I’m leaving!”
Harry watched his wife close the suitcase, lug it down the stairs, and proceed to walk out of the house… out of his life.
Suddenly, he was galvanized into action.
Running into the bedroom and grabbing a second suitcase, he yelled back at his wife, “Sylvia, you’re right, you’re absolutely right, and I can’t bear it either. Wait a minute, and I’ll go with you.”
A man came home from the mine
A very sick woman on her bed
Harry was stunned to come home from work one evening and find his wife stuffing all her belongings into a suitcase.
“What on earth are you doing?” he cried.
“I can’t stand it anymore!” she shrieked.
“Thirty-two years we’ve been married, and all we do is bicker and quarrel and ignore each other. I’m leaving!”
Harry watched his wife close the suitcase, lug it down the stairs, and proceed to walk out of the house… out of his life.
Suddenly, he was galvanized into action.
Running into the bedroom and grabbing a second suitcase, he yelled back at his wife, “Sylvia, you’re right, you’re absolutely right, and I can’t bear it either. Wait a minute, and I’ll go with you.”
A man came home from the mine
A very sick woman on her bed
13.
A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in lovemaking.
“Back ladies, back!” cried the leader.
“There’s a very dangerous beast out there!”
But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening.
They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing.
“Well, err… if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration… yeah, that’s it, it’s artificial respiration!”
“Wow!” exclaimed the oldest of the group.
“I know which merit badge I’m gonna try for next!”
A Irish man went to the courthouse
A man comes home
A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in lovemaking.
“Back ladies, back!” cried the leader.
“There’s a very dangerous beast out there!”
But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening.
They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing.
“Well, err… if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration… yeah, that’s it, it’s artificial respiration!”
“Wow!” exclaimed the oldest of the group.
“I know which merit badge I’m gonna try for next!”
A Irish man went to the courthouse
A man comes home
14.
Mike was driving home from a long business trip in Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car resuming the journey, Mike tried – in vain – to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man.
The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Mike.
“What in bag?” asked the old man.
Mike looked down at the brown bag and said:
“Oh, it’s a bottle of wine I got it for my wife.”
The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two.
Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: “Good trade!”
The old lady handed her bank card
A airline ticket counter
Mike was driving home from a long business trip in Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car resuming the journey, Mike tried – in vain – to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man.
The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Mike.
“What in bag?” asked the old man.
Mike looked down at the brown bag and said:
“Oh, it’s a bottle of wine I got it for my wife.”
The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two.
Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: “Good trade!”
The old lady handed her bank card
A airline ticket counter
15.
But anyway, I joined an online dating site and met a girl.
I hadn’t put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup.
But that’s okay, because she’d just put a picture of her dog.
I sent her a message, something almost-clever like, “Your dog can ride in my pickup any time,” and she responded.
We hit it off pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly.
Every day, sometimes throughout the day slowly we learned more about each other.
Her dog’s name was Daisy.
My truck’s name was Dodge Ram (I apologized for my lack of creativity)
She was a CPA.
I was a beekeeper.
And at this, she stumbled.
“If we ever meet in real-life, I want you to know that I could never date a beekeeper.” But we were still far away from that point, so it was moot.
But time went on, and we gradually became closer to that point more personal information.
What firm she worked for where my farm was names of relatives names of high schools.
All the things that just come up in conversation eventually if you talk to someone long enough.
But, oddly, after all this time, neither of us had thought to send any pictures.
Until one day I got a message from her: “I never thought I’d say this, but I really do want to meet you in person.
I think we have a rare connection, and I don’t want to squander it.
I want to send you my picture, and I want you to send me yours, but I’m telling you, I can never date a beekeeper.
I couldn’t imagine a life without my bees but I also couldn’t imagine a life without her tentatively, reluctantly, I clicked on the image attached to her message.
Then I saw her face now I’m a bee leaver.
Billy Bob Wanted To Sell His Old Truck
Dave Smith is on his death bed
But anyway, I joined an online dating site and met a girl.
I hadn’t put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup.
But that’s okay, because she’d just put a picture of her dog.
I sent her a message, something almost-clever like, “Your dog can ride in my pickup any time,” and she responded.
We hit it off pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly.
Every day, sometimes throughout the day slowly we learned more about each other.
Her dog’s name was Daisy.
My truck’s name was Dodge Ram (I apologized for my lack of creativity)
She was a CPA.
I was a beekeeper.
And at this, she stumbled.
“If we ever meet in real-life, I want you to know that I could never date a beekeeper.” But we were still far away from that point, so it was moot.
But time went on, and we gradually became closer to that point more personal information.
What firm she worked for where my farm was names of relatives names of high schools.
All the things that just come up in conversation eventually if you talk to someone long enough.
But, oddly, after all this time, neither of us had thought to send any pictures.
Until one day I got a message from her: “I never thought I’d say this, but I really do want to meet you in person.
I think we have a rare connection, and I don’t want to squander it.
I want to send you my picture, and I want you to send me yours, but I’m telling you, I can never date a beekeeper.
I couldn’t imagine a life without my bees but I also couldn’t imagine a life without her tentatively, reluctantly, I clicked on the image attached to her message.
Then I saw her face now I’m a bee leaver.
Billy Bob Wanted To Sell His Old Truck
Dave Smith is on his death bed
16.
A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, “May I help you sir?
The man says, “Yes, I’m in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I’m having an argument with my wife and she says she’s going to jump out of the window.”
The desk clerk says, “I’m sorry sir, but that’s a personal matter.”
The man replies, “Listen, you idiot.
The window won’t open and that’s clearly a maintenance issue.
Frank was excited about his new rifle
The madam opened the brothel door
A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, “May I help you sir?
The man says, “Yes, I’m in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I’m having an argument with my wife and she says she’s going to jump out of the window.”
The desk clerk says, “I’m sorry sir, but that’s a personal matter.”
The man replies, “Listen, you idiot.
The window won’t open and that’s clearly a maintenance issue.
Frank was excited about his new rifle
The madam opened the brothel door
17.
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St.Peter is leafing through the big book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.
Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did anything really good in your life, but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was the time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a group of biker guys gathered around this poor girl.
I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there were about 20 of ’em tormenting this girl.”
“Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the gang formed a circle around me so, I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals!
Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!
St.Peter, impressed, says, “Really? When did this happen?”
“Oh, about two minutes ago.”
They were reaching a stalemate
The General went out to find
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St.Peter is leafing through the big book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.
Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did anything really good in your life, but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was the time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a group of biker guys gathered around this poor girl.
I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there were about 20 of ’em tormenting this girl.”
“Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the gang formed a circle around me so, I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals!
Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!
St.Peter, impressed, says, “Really? When did this happen?”
“Oh, about two minutes ago.”
They were reaching a stalemate
The General went out to find
18.
An old Italian couple is walking around in the mall.
After a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and ask:
“Excuse me, have you seen-a my-a Tony. He’s got a big-a belly and a-lots a of curly black hair?”
The saleswoman answers that she hasn’t seen her husband.
So the Italian woman goes to asks another saleswoman:
“Excuse me, have you seen-a me Tony. He’s got a big-a belly and a-lots a of curly black hair?”
“No, I’m sorry ma’am, I haven’t seen your husband.”
The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask:
“Excuse me, have you seen-a me Tony. He’s got a big-a belly and a-lots a of curly black hair?”
The saleswoman answers: “Yes I saw him, he ran out of here rickety split.”
To which the Italian woman answers: “No no no, that’s not-a my Tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the melons but he no rickety split!”
He passed his parent’s room
The husband and wife have a quarrel
An old Italian couple is walking around in the mall.
After a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and ask:
“Excuse me, have you seen-a my-a Tony. He’s got a big-a belly and a-lots a of curly black hair?”
The saleswoman answers that she hasn’t seen her husband.
So the Italian woman goes to asks another saleswoman:
“Excuse me, have you seen-a me Tony. He’s got a big-a belly and a-lots a of curly black hair?”
“No, I’m sorry ma’am, I haven’t seen your husband.”
The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask:
“Excuse me, have you seen-a me Tony. He’s got a big-a belly and a-lots a of curly black hair?”
The saleswoman answers: “Yes I saw him, he ran out of here rickety split.”
To which the Italian woman answers: “No no no, that’s not-a my Tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the melons but he no rickety split!”
He passed his parent’s room
The husband and wife have a quarrel
19.
John goes to the deli for some soup.
After he’s seated and about to eat he calls the waiter over.
When the waiter comes he says, “Taste this soup.”
The waiter says, “Why what’s wrong with the soup?”
John says, “Taste this soup.”
The waiter says, “John, you’ve come in here for thirty years and you always get the soup, you’ve never complained before.”
John says, “Taste this soup.”
The waiter says, “What? What is it? If you don’t want the chicken soup we have other kinds vegetable, Italian Minestrone?”
John says, “Taste this soup!”
The waiter finally agrees, “Fine John, fine! I’ll taste the soup”.
He leans over the table prepared to taste the soup, he hesitates and says, “Where’s your spoon?”
“Exactly,” says John, “Where’s my bloody spoon?”
A man wakes up and looks at his clock
A young blonde lady went on a tour
John goes to the deli for some soup.
After he’s seated and about to eat he calls the waiter over.
When the waiter comes he says, “Taste this soup.”
The waiter says, “Why what’s wrong with the soup?”
John says, “Taste this soup.”
The waiter says, “John, you’ve come in here for thirty years and you always get the soup, you’ve never complained before.”
John says, “Taste this soup.”
The waiter says, “What? What is it? If you don’t want the chicken soup we have other kinds vegetable, Italian Minestrone?”
John says, “Taste this soup!”
The waiter finally agrees, “Fine John, fine! I’ll taste the soup”.
He leans over the table prepared to taste the soup, he hesitates and says, “Where’s your spoon?”
“Exactly,” says John, “Where’s my bloody spoon?”
A man wakes up and looks at his clock
A young blonde lady went on a tour
20.
A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”
The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”
A man is talking to the family doctor
A blonde and a brunet are getting in the elevator
A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”
The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”
A man is talking to the family doctor
A blonde and a brunet are getting in the elevator
21.
Mary and Dave went out to a romantic dinner.
Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where the conversation turned to the subject of marriage.
Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.
Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged,
So he should use his savings to buy a computer instead.
During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.
Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted:
“Well, don’t you have something to ask me?”
Dave then got down on bended knee.
“Honey,” he said,
“Will you buy me a new computer?”
A wife asked a question to her husband
A wife asked her husband to describe her
Mary and Dave went out to a romantic dinner.
Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where the conversation turned to the subject of marriage.
Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.
Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged,
So he should use his savings to buy a computer instead.
During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.
Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted:
“Well, don’t you have something to ask me?”
Dave then got down on bended knee.
“Honey,” he said,
“Will you buy me a new computer?”
A wife asked a question to her husband
A wife asked her husband to describe her
22.
Once upon a time, two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict.
It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machinery, and trading labor and goods as needed without a hitch.
Then the long collaboration fell apart.
It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.
One morning there was a knock on John’s door he opened it to find a man with a carpenter’s toolbox, “I’m looking for a few days work” he said.
“Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there could I help you?” “Yes,” said the older brother.
“I do have a job for you look across the creek at that farm that’s my neighbor, in fact, it’s my younger brother.
Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us.
Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I’ll go him one better see that pile of lumber curing by the barn?
I want you to build me a fence — an 8-foot fence — so I won’t need to see his place anymore.”
The carpenter said, “I think I understand the situation show me the nails and the post-fanny digger and I’ll be able to do a job that pleases you.”
The older brother had to go to town for supplies, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day.
The carpenter worked hard all that day measuring, sawing, nailing.
About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job.
The farmer’s eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped.
There was no fence there at all, It was a bridge — a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other!
A fine piece of work — handrails and all — and the neighbor, his younger brother, was coming across, his hand outstretched.
“You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I’ve said and done.”
The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in the middle, taking each other’s hand.
They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox on his shoulder.
“No, wait! Stay a few days I’ve a lot of other projects for you,” said the older brother.
“I’d love to stay on,” the carpenter said, “but, I have many more bridges to build.”
A lawyer’s dog
Two boys are playing football
Once upon a time, two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict.
It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machinery, and trading labor and goods as needed without a hitch.
Then the long collaboration fell apart.
It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.
One morning there was a knock on John’s door he opened it to find a man with a carpenter’s toolbox, “I’m looking for a few days work” he said.
“Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there could I help you?” “Yes,” said the older brother.
“I do have a job for you look across the creek at that farm that’s my neighbor, in fact, it’s my younger brother.
Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us.
Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I’ll go him one better see that pile of lumber curing by the barn?
I want you to build me a fence — an 8-foot fence — so I won’t need to see his place anymore.”
The carpenter said, “I think I understand the situation show me the nails and the post-fanny digger and I’ll be able to do a job that pleases you.”
The older brother had to go to town for supplies, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day.
The carpenter worked hard all that day measuring, sawing, nailing.
About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job.
The farmer’s eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped.
There was no fence there at all, It was a bridge — a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other!
A fine piece of work — handrails and all — and the neighbor, his younger brother, was coming across, his hand outstretched.
“You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I’ve said and done.”
The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in the middle, taking each other’s hand.
They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox on his shoulder.
“No, wait! Stay a few days I’ve a lot of other projects for you,” said the older brother.
“I’d love to stay on,” the carpenter said, “but, I have many more bridges to build.”
A lawyer’s dog
Two boys are playing football
23.
A young man was getting ready to graduate college.
For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer’s showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted.
As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car.
Finally, on the morning of his graduation his father called him into his private study.
His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him.
He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box.
Curious, but somewhat disappointed the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible.
Angrily,he raised his voice at his father and said, “With all your money you give me a Bible?” and stormed out of the house, leaving the holy book.
Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business.
He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him.
He had not seen him since that graduation day before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son.
He needed to come home immediately and take care things.
When he arrived at his father’s house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart.
He began to search his father’s important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago.
With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages as he read those words, a car key dropped from an envelope taped behind the Bible.
It had a tag with the dealer’s name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired.
On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words…PAID IN FULL.
How many times do we miss God’s blessings because they are not packaged as we expected?
A little girl raised her hand
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse
A young man was getting ready to graduate college.
For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer’s showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted.
As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car.
Finally, on the morning of his graduation his father called him into his private study.
His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him.
He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box.
Curious, but somewhat disappointed the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible.
Angrily,he raised his voice at his father and said, “With all your money you give me a Bible?” and stormed out of the house, leaving the holy book.
Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business.
He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him.
He had not seen him since that graduation day before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son.
He needed to come home immediately and take care things.
When he arrived at his father’s house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart.
He began to search his father’s important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago.
With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages as he read those words, a car key dropped from an envelope taped behind the Bible.
It had a tag with the dealer’s name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired.
On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words…PAID IN FULL.
How many times do we miss God’s blessings because they are not packaged as we expected?
A little girl raised her hand
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse
24.
During a visit to a closed institution, a visitor asks the director what criteria are used to decide whether someone has to be admitted or not.
The director says, “Well, we fill a bathtub, give the candidate a teaspoon, a cup and a bucket, and ask him to empty the bathtub.
The visitor:” Ah, I see, and a normal person would take the bucket with it it goes faster, yes? ”
Director:” No, a normal person would pull the plug …
Would you like a room with or without a balcony? “
A Man wishes every night
After 50 Years of Marriage, A Couple Was in Bed at Night, Then Wife Felt Something
During a visit to a closed institution, a visitor asks the director what criteria are used to decide whether someone has to be admitted or not.
The director says, “Well, we fill a bathtub, give the candidate a teaspoon, a cup and a bucket, and ask him to empty the bathtub.
The visitor:” Ah, I see, and a normal person would take the bucket with it it goes faster, yes? ”
Director:” No, a normal person would pull the plug …
Would you like a room with or without a balcony? “
A Man wishes every night
After 50 Years of Marriage, A Couple Was in Bed at Night, Then Wife Felt Something
25.
Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer.
Doctor Watson says, ”I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.”
Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ”I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.”
Doctor Ahn says, ”I prefer lawyers. They’re gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.”
A car driven by an Englishman
A doctor and a lawyer are talking
Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer.
Doctor Watson says, ”I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.”
Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ”I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.”
Doctor Ahn says, ”I prefer lawyers. They’re gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.”
A car driven by an Englishman
A doctor and a lawyer are talking
26.
An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, “Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had…”
The wife replies, “Yes, go on tell me.”
So the husband says “I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.”
The wife says, “Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.”
The husband says, “No, I am sure it was a dream.”
She told her mother
A man and his wife were sitting
An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, “Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had…”
The wife replies, “Yes, go on tell me.”
So the husband says “I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.”
The wife says, “Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.”
The husband says, “No, I am sure it was a dream.”
She told her mother
A man and his wife were sitting
27.
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender, “Could I get a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?”
The bartender is taken aback but serves the rabbit his order. The rabbit enjoys his beer, devours the toastie, and then leaves.
The next night, the rabbit returns and once again requests a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Word has spread, and the pub is buzzing with curious patrons.
The bartender serves the rabbit, who eats and drinks before heading out.
By the third night, the pub is packed to the brim. As the rabbit walks in and orders his usual, the crowd falls silent in anticipation. The bartender hands over the pint and toastie, and the room erupts in applause as the rabbit finishes his meal and exits.
On the fourth night, there’s standing room only. People have travelled from far and wide just to witness this unusual guest. The bartender is making more money in a week than he did all of last year.
But when the rabbit walks in and asks for his usual, the bartender’s face falls. “I’m sorry, my friend,” he says, “but we’re all out of Ham and Cheese Toasties.”
The rabbit looks shocked, and the pub goes so quiet you could hear a pin drop. The bartender nervously offers, “But we do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie. I promise you’ll love it.”
The rabbit eyes him carefully. “Are you sure?” he asks.
With a grin, the bartender replies, “I wouldn’t steer you wrong. Trust me, you’ll love it.”
“Alright,” says the rabbit, “I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.”
The pub bursts into cheers as the rabbit enjoys his meal, waves to the crowd, and leaves… never to return.
A year later, the pub is in decline. The bartender, who has only served a handful of drinks that night—most of them to himself—calls last orders.
As he’s cleaning up, he notices a small white figure hovering above the bar.
“Who are you?” he asks.
“I’m the ghost of the rabbit who used to visit your pub,” comes the reply.
The bartender’s eyes widen. “I remember you! You made this place famous. Every night, you’d come in for a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese
Toastie. People came from miles around just to see you.”
“Yes,” the rabbit says. “But I also remember that last night when you ran out of Ham and Cheese Toasties. You gave me a Cheese and Onion Toastie instead.”
“That’s right,” the bartender recalls. “But then you never came back. What happened?”
“I died,” says the rabbit.
The bartender gasps. “No! How?”
The rabbit pauses before replying, “Mixin’ me toasties.”
A man joins a soccer team
A farmer buys a young rooster
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender, “Could I get a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?”
The bartender is taken aback but serves the rabbit his order. The rabbit enjoys his beer, devours the toastie, and then leaves.
The next night, the rabbit returns and once again requests a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Word has spread, and the pub is buzzing with curious patrons.
The bartender serves the rabbit, who eats and drinks before heading out.
By the third night, the pub is packed to the brim. As the rabbit walks in and orders his usual, the crowd falls silent in anticipation. The bartender hands over the pint and toastie, and the room erupts in applause as the rabbit finishes his meal and exits.
On the fourth night, there’s standing room only. People have travelled from far and wide just to witness this unusual guest. The bartender is making more money in a week than he did all of last year.
But when the rabbit walks in and asks for his usual, the bartender’s face falls. “I’m sorry, my friend,” he says, “but we’re all out of Ham and Cheese Toasties.”
The rabbit looks shocked, and the pub goes so quiet you could hear a pin drop. The bartender nervously offers, “But we do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie. I promise you’ll love it.”
The rabbit eyes him carefully. “Are you sure?” he asks.
With a grin, the bartender replies, “I wouldn’t steer you wrong. Trust me, you’ll love it.”
“Alright,” says the rabbit, “I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.”
The pub bursts into cheers as the rabbit enjoys his meal, waves to the crowd, and leaves… never to return.
A year later, the pub is in decline. The bartender, who has only served a handful of drinks that night—most of them to himself—calls last orders.
As he’s cleaning up, he notices a small white figure hovering above the bar.
“Who are you?” he asks.
“I’m the ghost of the rabbit who used to visit your pub,” comes the reply.
The bartender’s eyes widen. “I remember you! You made this place famous. Every night, you’d come in for a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese
Toastie. People came from miles around just to see you.”
“Yes,” the rabbit says. “But I also remember that last night when you ran out of Ham and Cheese Toasties. You gave me a Cheese and Onion Toastie instead.”
“That’s right,” the bartender recalls. “But then you never came back. What happened?”
“I died,” says the rabbit.
The bartender gasps. “No! How?”
The rabbit pauses before replying, “Mixin’ me toasties.”
A man joins a soccer team
A farmer buys a young rooster
28.
A busty blonde woman walks into a New York bank and goes straight up to the counter.
“Hello,” the man behind the counter says to the woman. “How can I help you today?”
The blonde has to think for a moment and finally says, “I need a loan of two-hundred and fifty dollars.”
The bank teller responds, “That’s not a problem, miss. We’ll need you to put something up as collateral.”
The blonde takes another moment to think and says, “I have a car. I’ll put that up!”
The bank teller pulls out a form and asks the blonde, “That would work. What kind of car is it?”
The blonde hands the teller her keys and answers, “it’s a bright orange Lamborghini. It’s parked right outside.”
The blonde leaves as the teller finishes the form, dumbfounded by the transaction.
A week later, the blonde returns.
She has the loan and all of the interest that gathered over the last week.
She walks up to the same teller and hands him the money.
He then returns her keys.
As the blonde is leaving, the teller can’t fight the urge to ask any longer.
“Excuse, miss. I just have one question. Why did you put this four-hundred thousand car up as collateral for such a small amount of money?”
The blonde turns and replies, “Where else in New York City and I supposed to find parking for a week for as little as two-hundred and fifty dollars?”
A young lady is buying a box
A young man was watching the news
A busty blonde woman walks into a New York bank and goes straight up to the counter.
“Hello,” the man behind the counter says to the woman. “How can I help you today?”
The blonde has to think for a moment and finally says, “I need a loan of two-hundred and fifty dollars.”
The bank teller responds, “That’s not a problem, miss. We’ll need you to put something up as collateral.”
The blonde takes another moment to think and says, “I have a car. I’ll put that up!”
The bank teller pulls out a form and asks the blonde, “That would work. What kind of car is it?”
The blonde hands the teller her keys and answers, “it’s a bright orange Lamborghini. It’s parked right outside.”
The blonde leaves as the teller finishes the form, dumbfounded by the transaction.
A week later, the blonde returns.
She has the loan and all of the interest that gathered over the last week.
She walks up to the same teller and hands him the money.
He then returns her keys.
As the blonde is leaving, the teller can’t fight the urge to ask any longer.
“Excuse, miss. I just have one question. Why did you put this four-hundred thousand car up as collateral for such a small amount of money?”
The blonde turns and replies, “Where else in New York City and I supposed to find parking for a week for as little as two-hundred and fifty dollars?”
A young lady is buying a box
A young man was watching the news
29.
A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde.
Her friend tells her “Go do something to prove them wrong! Why don’t you learn all the state capitals or something?”
The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her.
She gets all indignant and claims, “I’m not a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name all the state capitals!”
The guy doesn’t believe her, so she dares him to test her.
He says “Okay, what’s the Capital of Montana?”
The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, “That’s easy! It’s M!”
A guy comes home from the bar drunk
Two man are in a bar getting drunk
A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde.
Her friend tells her “Go do something to prove them wrong! Why don’t you learn all the state capitals or something?”
The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her.
She gets all indignant and claims, “I’m not a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name all the state capitals!”
The guy doesn’t believe her, so she dares him to test her.
He says “Okay, what’s the Capital of Montana?”
The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, “That’s easy! It’s M!”
A guy comes home from the bar drunk
Two man are in a bar getting drunk
30.
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical,
so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
“Well, to tell you the truth, Doc, yes,” answered the patient.
“You see, I seem to be getting forgetful.
I’m never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I’m going, or what it is I’m going to do once I get there if I get there.
So, I really need your help. What can I do?”
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, “Pay me in advance.”
He rubs it and a genie emerges
Two boys playing by a stream
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical,
so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
“Well, to tell you the truth, Doc, yes,” answered the patient.
“You see, I seem to be getting forgetful.
I’m never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I’m going, or what it is I’m going to do once I get there if I get there.
So, I really need your help. What can I do?”
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, “Pay me in advance.”
He rubs it and a genie emerges
Two boys playing by a stream
Tags:
Eng Jokes