1.
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
‘I may look like just an ordinary man,’ he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit $65 million.’
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Three young women are at a party
A hunter goes into the woods
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
‘I may look like just an ordinary man,’ he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit $65 million.’
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Three young women are at a party
A hunter goes into the woods
2.
A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’
Little Larry says: ‘I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.’
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ‘And how about you, Sarah?’
‘I wanna be Larry’s whore.’
A police officer in a small town stopped
A woman went to doctor office
A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’
Little Larry says: ‘I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.’
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ‘And how about you, Sarah?’
‘I wanna be Larry’s whore.’
A police officer in a small town stopped
A woman went to doctor office
3.
An old man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work c*cktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and young woman entered.
She was so striking that the elderly man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare and walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him,
“I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.”
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The elderly man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand.
He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, “Paint my house.”
A lady goes to the doctor
Johnny and Billy are walking to the church
An old man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work c*cktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and young woman entered.
She was so striking that the elderly man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare and walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him,
“I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.”
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The elderly man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand.
He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, “Paint my house.”
A lady goes to the doctor
Johnny and Billy are walking to the church
4.
Lying on his deathbed, an elderly man made his final request to his wife:
“Honey, I’m almost out of time and there’s something I’d like you to do for me when I’m gone.”
She nodded her head and said,
“You can count on me. Anything you ask, I’ll make sure it’s done.”
“I want you to wed my buddy, Jacob,” he said, his voice filled with emotion.
Astonished, his wife replied,
“Jacob? But I thought you couldn’t stand him!”
He smiled and looked into her eyes as he answered,
“That’s precisely why…”
A woman wakes up in the night
A mother and father took their son
Lying on his deathbed, an elderly man made his final request to his wife:
“Honey, I’m almost out of time and there’s something I’d like you to do for me when I’m gone.”
She nodded her head and said,
“You can count on me. Anything you ask, I’ll make sure it’s done.”
“I want you to wed my buddy, Jacob,” he said, his voice filled with emotion.
Astonished, his wife replied,
“Jacob? But I thought you couldn’t stand him!”
He smiled and looked into her eyes as he answered,
“That’s precisely why…”
A woman wakes up in the night
A mother and father took their son
5.
A man was called in for an audit by Revenue Canada, He asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
“Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes let them think you are a pauper”, the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice, “Don’t let them intimidate you wear your best suit and an expensive tie”.
Confused, the man went to his minister, told him of the conflicting advice, and asked him what he should do.
“Let me tell you a story,” replied the minister.
“A woman about to be married asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.”
Her mother told her to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks.
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice her friend told her to wear her most hot negligee with a V-neck right down to her navel.
The man protested, “But Reverend Sir, what does all this have to do with my problem with the Revenue Canada”?
Replied the reverend, “It doesn’t matter what you wear; you’re still going to get scr*wed”.
Let us enjoy reading this story
The manager of a men’s clothing store
A man was called in for an audit by Revenue Canada, He asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
“Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes let them think you are a pauper”, the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice, “Don’t let them intimidate you wear your best suit and an expensive tie”.
Confused, the man went to his minister, told him of the conflicting advice, and asked him what he should do.
“Let me tell you a story,” replied the minister.
“A woman about to be married asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.”
Her mother told her to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks.
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice her friend told her to wear her most hot negligee with a V-neck right down to her navel.
The man protested, “But Reverend Sir, what does all this have to do with my problem with the Revenue Canada”?
Replied the reverend, “It doesn’t matter what you wear; you’re still going to get scr*wed”.
Let us enjoy reading this story
The manager of a men’s clothing store
6.
An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.
“If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?”
“I’d have to say the living one.”
Quasimodo goes to a doctor
This guy walks into a bar
An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.
“If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?”
“I’d have to say the living one.”
Quasimodo goes to a doctor
This guy walks into a bar
7.
Little Johnny is back at school after the holidays.
After a few days, his teacher calls up Little Johnny’s dad to report that Johnny has been behaving badly at school.
His dad says to the teacher
“Hang on a minute, I had Johnny at home with me for 2 months and I never phoned you once when he misbehaved.”
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday
Sarah parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend
Little Johnny is back at school after the holidays.
After a few days, his teacher calls up Little Johnny’s dad to report that Johnny has been behaving badly at school.
His dad says to the teacher
“Hang on a minute, I had Johnny at home with me for 2 months and I never phoned you once when he misbehaved.”
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday
Sarah parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend
8.
There is a town in France, which was flooding.
Some people escaped to the roof of the church.
The priest, however, stayed and said, “Let God come.”
Someone came to save him but the priest said, “God will save me.”
He refused to get in, maintaining that God will save him.
Then a boat came to rescue him
He refused to get in, maintaining that God will save him.
Finally a helicopter came, but he sent that away too.
When he passed over to the other world, the priest said, “Oh God, I prayed to you so much, but you did not save me.”
Upon hearing this, God responded, “My foolish servant, I sent you a man and you didn’t come.
I sent you a boat and you didn’t get in.
I sent you a helicopter and you didn’t board
What more could I have done?
A little bird was flying
When asked what the problem
There is a town in France, which was flooding.
Some people escaped to the roof of the church.
The priest, however, stayed and said, “Let God come.”
Someone came to save him but the priest said, “God will save me.”
He refused to get in, maintaining that God will save him.
Then a boat came to rescue him
He refused to get in, maintaining that God will save him.
Finally a helicopter came, but he sent that away too.
When he passed over to the other world, the priest said, “Oh God, I prayed to you so much, but you did not save me.”
Upon hearing this, God responded, “My foolish servant, I sent you a man and you didn’t come.
I sent you a boat and you didn’t get in.
I sent you a helicopter and you didn’t board
What more could I have done?
A little bird was flying
When asked what the problem
9.
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die.
They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail.
Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued.
They prayed a lot of course, and they discussed their predicament in great depth.
Finally the priest said to the nun, “you know sister, I am about to die, and there’s always been one thing I’ve wanted here on earth–to see a woman undressed. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?”
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes.
As she was doing so, she remarked, “well, Father, now that I think about it, I’ve never seen a man undreseed, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?”
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped.
Suddenly the nun exclaimed, “Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?”
The priest patiently answered, “That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life.”
“Well,” responded the nun, “forget about me. Stick it in the camel!”
Joe grew up in a small town
Two buddies Bob and Earl
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die.
They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail.
Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued.
They prayed a lot of course, and they discussed their predicament in great depth.
Finally the priest said to the nun, “you know sister, I am about to die, and there’s always been one thing I’ve wanted here on earth–to see a woman undressed. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?”
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes.
As she was doing so, she remarked, “well, Father, now that I think about it, I’ve never seen a man undreseed, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?”
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped.
Suddenly the nun exclaimed, “Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?”
The priest patiently answered, “That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life.”
“Well,” responded the nun, “forget about me. Stick it in the camel!”
Joe grew up in a small town
Two buddies Bob and Earl
10.
Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor.
When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge.
The Doctor said, “Get undressed, Mrs. Cohn, and lie down on the examining table.”
She did, whereupon the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her private parts.
After a couple of minutes he asked, “How does that feel?”
“Wonderful,” she replied, “but the discharge is from my ear!”
A lady was filling her tank
The pretty teacher was concerned
Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor.
When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge.
The Doctor said, “Get undressed, Mrs. Cohn, and lie down on the examining table.”
She did, whereupon the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her private parts.
After a couple of minutes he asked, “How does that feel?”
“Wonderful,” she replied, “but the discharge is from my ear!”
A lady was filling her tank
The pretty teacher was concerned
11.
A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten kids put his boots on.
He asked for help and she could see why.
With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on.
When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said,
“Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off then it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on this time on the right feet.
He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,
“Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.”
She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry.
She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
She said, “Now, where are your mittens?”
He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…”
A man and his wife are traveling
A maid asks the lady of the house
A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten kids put his boots on.
He asked for help and she could see why.
With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on.
When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said,
“Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off then it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on this time on the right feet.
He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,
“Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.”
She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry.
She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
She said, “Now, where are your mittens?”
He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…”
A man and his wife are traveling
A maid asks the lady of the house
12.
An 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently:
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit.
“May we see the new baby?” One of them asked.
“Not yet.” Said the mother.
“I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”
Another half-hour passed before another relative asked.
“May we see the new baby now?”
“No, not yet.” Said the mother.
A while later and again the guests asked.
“May we see the baby now?”
“No, not yet.” Replied the mother.
Growing impatient, they asked.
“Well, when can we see the baby?”
“When it cries.” She told them.
“When it cries?” They gasped.
“Why do we have to wait until it cries?”
“Because I forgot where I put it.”
The man calls the manager and says
The first day of their Honeymoon
An 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently:
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit.
“May we see the new baby?” One of them asked.
“Not yet.” Said the mother.
“I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”
Another half-hour passed before another relative asked.
“May we see the new baby now?”
“No, not yet.” Said the mother.
A while later and again the guests asked.
“May we see the baby now?”
“No, not yet.” Replied the mother.
Growing impatient, they asked.
“Well, when can we see the baby?”
“When it cries.” She told them.
“When it cries?” They gasped.
“Why do we have to wait until it cries?”
“Because I forgot where I put it.”
The man calls the manager and says
The first day of their Honeymoon
13.
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter.
“How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. ”
The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?
“That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”
A blonde had just gotten a new car
A small boy is sent to bed by his father
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter.
“How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. ”
The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?
“That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”
A blonde had just gotten a new car
A small boy is sent to bed by his father
14.
A customer in a restaurant orders a bowl of soup.
However, the customer notices that something is wrong. So he calls the waiter over.
“Can you please taste the soup?”
“What’s wrong with the soup?”
“Just taste it.”
“Why?”
“Just taste it.”
“Sir, I–”
“Just taste it.”
“Fine, I’ll taste the soup. Where’s the spoon?”
“EXACTLY. BRING ME A G***DAMN SPOON.”
Two Arkansans Meet On A Dusty, Country Road
Sharing A Room
A customer in a restaurant orders a bowl of soup.
However, the customer notices that something is wrong. So he calls the waiter over.
“Can you please taste the soup?”
“What’s wrong with the soup?”
“Just taste it.”
“Why?”
“Just taste it.”
“Sir, I–”
“Just taste it.”
“Fine, I’ll taste the soup. Where’s the spoon?”
“EXACTLY. BRING ME A G***DAMN SPOON.”
Two Arkansans Meet On A Dusty, Country Road
Sharing A Room
15.
The leader of the captors said, “We’re going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn but first, you each can make a final wish.”
The Englishman responds, “I’d like to hear “God Save The Queen” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir with Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.”
The Irishman replies, “I’d like to hear “Danny Boy” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O’Donnell, with River-dance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.”
The Welshman answers, “I’d like to hear “Men Of Harlech” just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.”
The Scotsman says quickly, “I’d like to be shot first.”
A Irishman was drinking in a bar
It is with great regret and sorrow
The leader of the captors said, “We’re going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn but first, you each can make a final wish.”
The Englishman responds, “I’d like to hear “God Save The Queen” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir with Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.”
The Irishman replies, “I’d like to hear “Danny Boy” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O’Donnell, with River-dance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.”
The Welshman answers, “I’d like to hear “Men Of Harlech” just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.”
The Scotsman says quickly, “I’d like to be shot first.”
A Irishman was drinking in a bar
It is with great regret and sorrow
16.
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it.
She would stand on her front porch and shout, “PRAISE THE LORD!”
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations that he would shout, “There ain’t no Lord!”
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance.
She stood on her porch and shouted, “PRAISE THE LORD! God, I need food. I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries.”
The next morning, the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, “PRAISE THE LORD!”
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, “HA…HA. I told you there was no Lord! I bought those groceries, myself! God didn’t!”
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, “PRAISE THE LORD! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the Devil pay for them! PRAISE THE LORD!”
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates
A school teacher asked her students
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it.
She would stand on her front porch and shout, “PRAISE THE LORD!”
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations that he would shout, “There ain’t no Lord!”
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance.
She stood on her porch and shouted, “PRAISE THE LORD! God, I need food. I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries.”
The next morning, the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, “PRAISE THE LORD!”
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, “HA…HA. I told you there was no Lord! I bought those groceries, myself! God didn’t!”
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, “PRAISE THE LORD! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the Devil pay for them! PRAISE THE LORD!”
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates
A school teacher asked her students
17.
A blonde redneck guy finds a lamp.
He rubs it and a genie emerges.
The genie tells him he will be granted three wishes.
The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.’
A mug of beer appears in his hand.
He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled.
The guy is thrilled and continues to drink.
The mug never empties.
Then the Genie says, ‘And what about your other two wishes?’
The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘Give me two more just like this one!’
Two women came before wise King Solomon
The man looked a little worried when the doctor
A blonde redneck guy finds a lamp.
He rubs it and a genie emerges.
The genie tells him he will be granted three wishes.
The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.’
A mug of beer appears in his hand.
He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled.
The guy is thrilled and continues to drink.
The mug never empties.
Then the Genie says, ‘And what about your other two wishes?’
The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘Give me two more just like this one!’
Two women came before wise King Solomon
The man looked a little worried when the doctor
18.
A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph ‘s Hospital.
She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient?”
The old lady in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
“I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”
The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”
The old lady said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one ever tells me anything about how I’m doing’.”
He was at in the pub last night
A police officer was investigating an accident
A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph ‘s Hospital.
She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient?”
The old lady in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
“I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”
The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”
The old lady said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one ever tells me anything about how I’m doing’.”
He was at in the pub last night
A police officer was investigating an accident
19.
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“But officer.” the man began, “I can explain”.
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back…”
“But officer, I just wanted to say….”
“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
A man entered the bus
A teacher asks the kids
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“But officer.” the man began, “I can explain”.
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back…”
“But officer, I just wanted to say….”
“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
A man entered the bus
A teacher asks the kids
20.
An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to.
So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age.
He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things.
The couple goes home and that evening while watching T.V the man gets up and heads for the kitchen.
His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns.
He says he will, and she says he should write it down.
“I’m just going to the kitchen, I’ll remember.”
“Well, I want that with nuts, too.”
“OK. he says ice cream with nuts.”
She asks again if he’s going to write it down.
“No, I’m just going to the kitchen.”
“And a Cherry on the top?”
He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again about writing it down.
Now the old man is angry, “Look, old lady I’m not senile, I can remember ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top.”
He goes in the kitchen for 10 minutes and when he returns he sets a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife.
She looks up and says, “Honey, you forgot my toast.”
A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip
An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to.
So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age.
He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things.
The couple goes home and that evening while watching T.V the man gets up and heads for the kitchen.
His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns.
He says he will, and she says he should write it down.
“I’m just going to the kitchen, I’ll remember.”
“Well, I want that with nuts, too.”
“OK. he says ice cream with nuts.”
She asks again if he’s going to write it down.
“No, I’m just going to the kitchen.”
“And a Cherry on the top?”
He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again about writing it down.
Now the old man is angry, “Look, old lady I’m not senile, I can remember ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top.”
He goes in the kitchen for 10 minutes and when he returns he sets a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife.
She looks up and says, “Honey, you forgot my toast.”
A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip
21.
A mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car.
The nurse asks him, “Charlie, what are you doing?”
Charlie replied, “Driving to Chicago!”
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, “Well Charlie, how are you doing?”
Charlie says, “I just got into Chicago”.
“Great,” replied the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously wanking.
Shocked, she asks, “Bob, what are you doing?!”
Bob says, “I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago!”
A guy who has a bad stutter
John and David were both patients
A mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car.
The nurse asks him, “Charlie, what are you doing?”
Charlie replied, “Driving to Chicago!”
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, “Well Charlie, how are you doing?”
Charlie says, “I just got into Chicago”.
“Great,” replied the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously wanking.
Shocked, she asks, “Bob, what are you doing?!”
Bob says, “I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago!”
A guy who has a bad stutter
John and David were both patients
22.
Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here for 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ giving’ him any of mine.”
The second bull says, “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight him till I run him off or kill ‘I’m, but I’M KEEPING’ ALL MY COWS.”
The third bull says, “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.”
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen!
At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
The first bull says, “Ahem…You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cow’s justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”
The second bull says, “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”
They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.
The first bull says, “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”
The third bull says, “Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull!”
Johnny was at school and the teacher said
He dialed the employees home phone number
Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here for 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ giving’ him any of mine.”
The second bull says, “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight him till I run him off or kill ‘I’m, but I’M KEEPING’ ALL MY COWS.”
The third bull says, “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.”
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen!
At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
The first bull says, “Ahem…You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cow’s justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”
The second bull says, “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”
They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.
The first bull says, “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”
The third bull says, “Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull!”
Johnny was at school and the teacher said
He dialed the employees home phone number
23.
A 50 year old lady, who suddenly started learning how to swim instead of her usual routine work of going to a Church !!!!
Everyone was curious and asked her: “why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?”
The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: “Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel each other She Daughter-in-law always asks my son.”
“If your mom and I fall in water, whom will you save first?”
And because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, so I am learning how to swim!
A few days later husband and wife were quarreling again, and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked:
“now tell me! If your mom and I fall in water, whom will you save first?”
Husband replied: “I don’t have to get down in the water, my mom knows how to swim, she will save you.”
Wife refused to relent: “No, you have to jump in the water, and have to save one of us.”
Husband replied: “Then you will surely die…. because I don’t know how to swim …. and my mom will definitely save me first.”
A little boy and a little girl attended
A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant
A 50 year old lady, who suddenly started learning how to swim instead of her usual routine work of going to a Church !!!!
Everyone was curious and asked her: “why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?”
The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: “Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel each other She Daughter-in-law always asks my son.”
“If your mom and I fall in water, whom will you save first?”
And because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, so I am learning how to swim!
A few days later husband and wife were quarreling again, and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked:
“now tell me! If your mom and I fall in water, whom will you save first?”
Husband replied: “I don’t have to get down in the water, my mom knows how to swim, she will save you.”
Wife refused to relent: “No, you have to jump in the water, and have to save one of us.”
Husband replied: “Then you will surely die…. because I don’t know how to swim …. and my mom will definitely save me first.”
A little boy and a little girl attended
A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant
24.
Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
“Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains.
I know you’re about my age
How do you feel?”
Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”
“Really! Like a newborn baby?”
“Yep No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants”
A young caveman
Bill Gates goes to purgatory
Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
“Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains.
I know you’re about my age
How do you feel?”
Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”
“Really! Like a newborn baby?”
“Yep No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants”
A young caveman
Bill Gates goes to purgatory
25.
After returning from his honeymoon…
…with his bride Virgina, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop inJersey to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, “Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep down to Florida?”
Luigi, “Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down.”
“Whata you mean, Luigi?” asked Giovanni.
“Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station.
My beautiful Virginia , she packa big basket a food. …She brought da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, ‘No eat indisa ca’
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!
Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, ‘No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.’ So, we go to cluba car.
While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar.
The conductore, he waga ‘is finger again and say, ‘No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car ..’
So we go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to our sleeper car anda go to bed.
We just about to go boombada boombada …. and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice.. ‘Nofolk Virginia ! Nofolk Virginia!’
“Nexta time, I’ma just gonna driva my car….”
A guy’s partner called him late
I recall my first time with a protection
After returning from his honeymoon…
…with his bride Virgina, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop inJersey to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, “Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep down to Florida?”
Luigi, “Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down.”
“Whata you mean, Luigi?” asked Giovanni.
“Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station.
My beautiful Virginia , she packa big basket a food. …She brought da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, ‘No eat indisa ca’
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!
Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, ‘No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.’ So, we go to cluba car.
While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar.
The conductore, he waga ‘is finger again and say, ‘No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car ..’
So we go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to our sleeper car anda go to bed.
We just about to go boombada boombada …. and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice.. ‘Nofolk Virginia ! Nofolk Virginia!’
“Nexta time, I’ma just gonna driva my car….”
A guy’s partner called him late
I recall my first time with a protection
26.
Two old guys were sitting on a bus bench when a good looking young blonde with a short skirt got off.
One old guy says to the other Boy I sure would like to get a piece of that.
The other old guy says yeah, me too but mine just doesn’t work anymore.
The other one says don’t you know how to keep that thing working?
He says no, how do you do that?
The other old guy says you have to eat a lot of french bread.
So this guy goes the the store and buys 100 loaves of french bread.
When he gets up to the checker she tells him don’t you know that’s going to get hard before you eat all that?
And he says Oh! you’ve heard about that too!
The car speed off the highway
A man and his wife are driving they hit a baby skunk
Two old guys were sitting on a bus bench when a good looking young blonde with a short skirt got off.
One old guy says to the other Boy I sure would like to get a piece of that.
The other old guy says yeah, me too but mine just doesn’t work anymore.
The other one says don’t you know how to keep that thing working?
He says no, how do you do that?
The other old guy says you have to eat a lot of french bread.
So this guy goes the the store and buys 100 loaves of french bread.
When he gets up to the checker she tells him don’t you know that’s going to get hard before you eat all that?
And he says Oh! you’ve heard about that too!
The car speed off the highway
A man and his wife are driving they hit a baby skunk
27.
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.
The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?”
“Ten,” she replied.
“What are their names?” he asked.
“LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy,” she answered.
“They’re all named LeRoy?” he asked “What if you want them to come in from playing outside?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just call ‘LeRoy,’ and they all come running in.”
“And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?”
“I just say, ‘LeRoy, come eat your dinner’,” she answered.
“But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just use their last name!”
A small guy goes into an elevator
A old couple go to a doctor
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.
The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?”
“Ten,” she replied.
“What are their names?” he asked.
“LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy,” she answered.
“They’re all named LeRoy?” he asked “What if you want them to come in from playing outside?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just call ‘LeRoy,’ and they all come running in.”
“And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?”
“I just say, ‘LeRoy, come eat your dinner’,” she answered.
“But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just use their last name!”
A small guy goes into an elevator
A old couple go to a doctor
28.
Once upon a time an old man and a young man were living nearby.
The old man spread rumors that his young neighbor was a thief.
As a result, the young man was arrested by the police and brought to magistrate.
Days later the young man was proven innocent.
After been released he sued the old man for wrongly accusing him.
In court the old man told the Judge: He just made comments, didn’t harm anyone.
The judge, before passing sentence on the case, told the old man: Write all the things you said about him on a piece of paper.
Cut them up and on the way home, throw the pieces of paper out.
Tomorrow, come back to hear the sentence.
The next day, the judge told the old man: Before receiving the sentence, you will have to go out and gather all the pieces of paper that you threw out yesterday.
The old man said: I can’t do that ! The wind spread them and I won’t know where to find them.
The judge then replied: The same way, simple comments may destroy the honor of a man to such an extent that one is not able to fix it.
“If you can’t speak well of someone, rather don’t say anything.”
Let’s all be masters of our mouths, so that we won’t be slaves of our words.
A elderly man is stopped
Here I was sitting at the bar
Once upon a time an old man and a young man were living nearby.
The old man spread rumors that his young neighbor was a thief.
As a result, the young man was arrested by the police and brought to magistrate.
Days later the young man was proven innocent.
After been released he sued the old man for wrongly accusing him.
In court the old man told the Judge: He just made comments, didn’t harm anyone.
The judge, before passing sentence on the case, told the old man: Write all the things you said about him on a piece of paper.
Cut them up and on the way home, throw the pieces of paper out.
Tomorrow, come back to hear the sentence.
The next day, the judge told the old man: Before receiving the sentence, you will have to go out and gather all the pieces of paper that you threw out yesterday.
The old man said: I can’t do that ! The wind spread them and I won’t know where to find them.
The judge then replied: The same way, simple comments may destroy the honor of a man to such an extent that one is not able to fix it.
“If you can’t speak well of someone, rather don’t say anything.”
Let’s all be masters of our mouths, so that we won’t be slaves of our words.
A elderly man is stopped
Here I was sitting at the bar
29.
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister,
“When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word “comfortable”.
The telegraph operator shakes his head.
“How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, “comfortable?”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it slow.”
A man comes to his doctor and tells
A old man is in the surgery
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister,
“When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word “comfortable”.
The telegraph operator shakes his head.
“How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, “comfortable?”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it slow.”
A man comes to his doctor and tells
A old man is in the surgery
30.
A husband and wife went to see a marriage Councillor,
After he had listened to a twenty minute tirade about how bad a husband he was, the Councillor stood up, went round to his wife and embraced her and gave her a hug.
Then turned to husband and said..
“this is what your wife needs three times a week, can you manage that?”
Husband said..” Well I can drop her off Mondays and Wednesday but I play golf on Fridays!
A husband and wife were dining at restaurant
A new soldier was on sentry duty
A husband and wife went to see a marriage Councillor,
After he had listened to a twenty minute tirade about how bad a husband he was, the Councillor stood up, went round to his wife and embraced her and gave her a hug.
Then turned to husband and said..
“this is what your wife needs three times a week, can you manage that?”
Husband said..” Well I can drop her off Mondays and Wednesday but I play golf on Fridays!
A husband and wife were dining at restaurant
A new soldier was on sentry duty
Tags:
Eng Jokes