1.
Adam woke up suddenly, sweating all over.
“What’s the problem”, asked his wife.
“Are you OK?”
“I just dreamed that I died!” responded a shaken Adam.
“And it was so bad up there, and that’s why you’re sweating all over?” asked his wife.
A “You bet!” exclaimed Adam.
“I got up there, and was right in front of G-d himself, when he suddenly sneezed…..and I didn’t know what to say to him! Whoa was that traumatic!”
Barry and hannah couch watching TV
A Amish girl and her mother
Adam woke up suddenly, sweating all over.
“What’s the problem”, asked his wife.
“Are you OK?”
“I just dreamed that I died!” responded a shaken Adam.
“And it was so bad up there, and that’s why you’re sweating all over?” asked his wife.
A “You bet!” exclaimed Adam.
“I got up there, and was right in front of G-d himself, when he suddenly sneezed…..and I didn’t know what to say to him! Whoa was that traumatic!”
Barry and hannah couch watching TV
A Amish girl and her mother
2.
A young lady is working at an old people’s home when she walks into an old gentleman’s room.
He’s holding a set of photographs and looks upset.
“What’s the matter?” She asks
“I’ve got no-one to pass these onto to when I go”.
Says the old man, looking at his photos.
“Let me show you” and he presents her with a photo of an old car,
“this is my vintage E type Jaguar. It’s priceless and in pristine condition”
“I’ll… I’ll let you have it if you just give me a quick flash of those lovely melons.”
Interested in the prospect of inheriting the old man’s car and feeling a bit sorry for the old geezer, she agrees and proceeds to undress for him.
Looking visibly happier, he pulls out another photo,
“This is my house in Devon. It’s an 8 bedroom mansion with a swimming pool and 25 acres of land.”
“You can have it, only, I’d love to see those melons bouncing.
She thinks about this for a few seconds, then agrees and proceeds to jump up and down topless in front of the old man.
Now vibrant, the old man grabs another photo and says,
“here, look, this is my yacht off of the coast of Gibraltar.”
“It’s yours if you could just let me play with those spiffing melons of yours for a couple of minutes.”
Deciding it’s worth it, she leans forward and lets the old man have a good fumble of her jubilees.
Wide-eyed and with a cheeky grin on his face, the old man says,
“thank you so much, my dear.”
He stands up and hands her the three photographs.
A sixteen year-old boy came home
A blonde told her doctor
A young lady is working at an old people’s home when she walks into an old gentleman’s room.
He’s holding a set of photographs and looks upset.
“What’s the matter?” She asks
“I’ve got no-one to pass these onto to when I go”.
Says the old man, looking at his photos.
“Let me show you” and he presents her with a photo of an old car,
“this is my vintage E type Jaguar. It’s priceless and in pristine condition”
“I’ll… I’ll let you have it if you just give me a quick flash of those lovely melons.”
Interested in the prospect of inheriting the old man’s car and feeling a bit sorry for the old geezer, she agrees and proceeds to undress for him.
Looking visibly happier, he pulls out another photo,
“This is my house in Devon. It’s an 8 bedroom mansion with a swimming pool and 25 acres of land.”
“You can have it, only, I’d love to see those melons bouncing.
She thinks about this for a few seconds, then agrees and proceeds to jump up and down topless in front of the old man.
Now vibrant, the old man grabs another photo and says,
“here, look, this is my yacht off of the coast of Gibraltar.”
“It’s yours if you could just let me play with those spiffing melons of yours for a couple of minutes.”
Deciding it’s worth it, she leans forward and lets the old man have a good fumble of her jubilees.
Wide-eyed and with a cheeky grin on his face, the old man says,
“thank you so much, my dear.”
He stands up and hands her the three photographs.
A sixteen year-old boy came home
A blonde told her doctor
3.
Jim was in a bad mood, and anyone who got in is way was going to regret it.
Jim walked into his favorite restaurant and plopped himself down on a chair.
“Get me a steak well done with mashed potatoes.”
Three minutes later when his order came, Jim screamed “DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME SAY WELL DONE?!”
“Why thank you sir” the waitress smiled, “that was the first compliment I got all day!”
A old couple were walking on beach
The cop pulled over an old lady
Jim was in a bad mood, and anyone who got in is way was going to regret it.
Jim walked into his favorite restaurant and plopped himself down on a chair.
“Get me a steak well done with mashed potatoes.”
Three minutes later when his order came, Jim screamed “DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME SAY WELL DONE?!”
“Why thank you sir” the waitress smiled, “that was the first compliment I got all day!”
A old couple were walking on beach
The cop pulled over an old lady
4.
A brief summary of Tolstoy’s “How Much Land Does a Man Need?”
The main character is a man named Pahom.
At the beginning of the story, he is a peasant farmer, a man of humble means who lives a decent life.
But, after his sister-in-law has bragged that city folk have a much better life than country peasants, Pahom bemoans the fact that he does not own land.
He states that “if I had plenty of land, I shouldn’t fear the Devil himself!”
Little does he know that the Devil is sitting close by and listening.
The Devil says: “All right! We shall see about that I’ll give you land enough; and by means of that land I will get you into my power.”
Shortly thereafter, Pahom manages to buy some land from a lady in his village.
He works hard, makes a profit and is able to pay off his debts and live a more comfortable life.
But he is not satisfied and, after a peasant told him about the opportunity to own more land, he moves to a larger area of land.
Pahom grows more crops and amasses a small fortune, but it is still not content.
Now another character tells him of another opportunity to own more land.
Pahom hears (from a tradesman) about the Bashkirs, a simple people who own a huge amount of land deep in Central Asia.
After a long trek, Pahom meets the Bashkirs on the vast steppe.
He is prepared to negotiate a price for as much land as possible, but before he can do so, the Bashkirs make him a very unusual offer, the same one that they make to anyone who wishes to buy land from them.
For one thousand rubles (a large sum in those days), Pahom can buy as much land as he can walk around in one day.
He has to start at daybreak and mark his route with a shovel at key points along the way.
The barber cut his hair the priest
A drunken stranger
A brief summary of Tolstoy’s “How Much Land Does a Man Need?”
The main character is a man named Pahom.
At the beginning of the story, he is a peasant farmer, a man of humble means who lives a decent life.
But, after his sister-in-law has bragged that city folk have a much better life than country peasants, Pahom bemoans the fact that he does not own land.
He states that “if I had plenty of land, I shouldn’t fear the Devil himself!”
Little does he know that the Devil is sitting close by and listening.
The Devil says: “All right! We shall see about that I’ll give you land enough; and by means of that land I will get you into my power.”
Shortly thereafter, Pahom manages to buy some land from a lady in his village.
He works hard, makes a profit and is able to pay off his debts and live a more comfortable life.
But he is not satisfied and, after a peasant told him about the opportunity to own more land, he moves to a larger area of land.
Pahom grows more crops and amasses a small fortune, but it is still not content.
Now another character tells him of another opportunity to own more land.
Pahom hears (from a tradesman) about the Bashkirs, a simple people who own a huge amount of land deep in Central Asia.
After a long trek, Pahom meets the Bashkirs on the vast steppe.
He is prepared to negotiate a price for as much land as possible, but before he can do so, the Bashkirs make him a very unusual offer, the same one that they make to anyone who wishes to buy land from them.
For one thousand rubles (a large sum in those days), Pahom can buy as much land as he can walk around in one day.
He has to start at daybreak and mark his route with a shovel at key points along the way.
The barber cut his hair the priest
A drunken stranger
5.
Once there were three men, Charlie, Mason and Buck, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.
As they stood at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter came up to them and said, “You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around Heaven.
You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly.”
St. Peter looked at Charlie and said, “You, Charlie, were a bad man.
You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge.”
Next, St. Peter looked at Mason and said, “You were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times.
For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon.”
St. Peter finally looked at Buck, and said, “You, Buck, have set a fine example.
You did not have making love until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife!
For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari.”
A short time later, Mason and Buck pulled up in their cars next to Buck’s Ferrari, and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.
“What’s wrong, Buck?” they asked. “You got a Ferrari! You’re set forever!
Why so down?”
Buck looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard.
A famous scientist was on his way
The teacher was teaching the kids
Once there were three men, Charlie, Mason and Buck, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.
As they stood at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter came up to them and said, “You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around Heaven.
You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly.”
St. Peter looked at Charlie and said, “You, Charlie, were a bad man.
You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge.”
Next, St. Peter looked at Mason and said, “You were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times.
For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon.”
St. Peter finally looked at Buck, and said, “You, Buck, have set a fine example.
You did not have making love until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife!
For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari.”
A short time later, Mason and Buck pulled up in their cars next to Buck’s Ferrari, and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.
“What’s wrong, Buck?” they asked. “You got a Ferrari! You’re set forever!
Why so down?”
Buck looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard.
A famous scientist was on his way
The teacher was teaching the kids
6.
On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When he’d finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit repairmen refused to work in the house the maid quit.
Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later – even though they’d cut their price in half – they couldn’t find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going.
She told him the saga of the rotting house.
He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth … but only if he would sign the papers that very day.
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ……and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!
The big game hunter
The boy working in that department
On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When he’d finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit repairmen refused to work in the house the maid quit.
Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later – even though they’d cut their price in half – they couldn’t find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going.
She told him the saga of the rotting house.
He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth … but only if he would sign the papers that very day.
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ……and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!
The big game hunter
The boy working in that department
7.
An anthropologist studying the habits and customs of an African tribe found himself surrounded by children most days.
So he decided to play a little game with them.
He managed to get candy from the nearest town and put it all in a decorated basket at the foot of a tree.
Then he called the children and suggested they play the game.
When the anthropologist said “now”, the children had to run to the tree and the first one to get there could have all the candy to him/herself.
So the children all lined up waiting for the signal.
When the anthropologist said “now”, all of the children took each other by the hand ran together towards the tree.
They all arrived at the same time divided up the candy, sat down and began to happily munch away.
The anthropologist went over to them and asked why they had all run together when any one of them could have had the candy all to themselves.
The children responded: “Ubuntu
How could any one of us be happy if all the others were sad?”
Ubuntu is a philosophy of African tribes that can be summed up as “I am what I am because of who we all are.”
Bishop Desmond Tutu gave this explanation in 2008 :
“One of the sayings in our country is Ubuntu – the essence of being human.
Ubuntu speaks particularly about the fact that you can’t exist as a human being in isolation.
It speaks about our interconnections
You can’t be human all by yourself, and when you have this quality –
Ubuntu – you are known for your generosity.
We think of ourselves far too frequently as just individuals, separated from one another,
whereas you are connected and what you do affects the whole World.
When you do well, it spreads out; it is for the whole of humanity.”
A young man was getting ready
Three Guys Go In For A Job Interview
An anthropologist studying the habits and customs of an African tribe found himself surrounded by children most days.
So he decided to play a little game with them.
He managed to get candy from the nearest town and put it all in a decorated basket at the foot of a tree.
Then he called the children and suggested they play the game.
When the anthropologist said “now”, the children had to run to the tree and the first one to get there could have all the candy to him/herself.
So the children all lined up waiting for the signal.
When the anthropologist said “now”, all of the children took each other by the hand ran together towards the tree.
They all arrived at the same time divided up the candy, sat down and began to happily munch away.
The anthropologist went over to them and asked why they had all run together when any one of them could have had the candy all to themselves.
The children responded: “Ubuntu
How could any one of us be happy if all the others were sad?”
Ubuntu is a philosophy of African tribes that can be summed up as “I am what I am because of who we all are.”
Bishop Desmond Tutu gave this explanation in 2008 :
“One of the sayings in our country is Ubuntu – the essence of being human.
Ubuntu speaks particularly about the fact that you can’t exist as a human being in isolation.
It speaks about our interconnections
You can’t be human all by yourself, and when you have this quality –
Ubuntu – you are known for your generosity.
We think of ourselves far too frequently as just individuals, separated from one another,
whereas you are connected and what you do affects the whole World.
When you do well, it spreads out; it is for the whole of humanity.”
A young man was getting ready
Three Guys Go In For A Job Interview
8.
Two elderly, excited women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of lust, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs…”AMEN, BROTHER!”
When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, they yelled again…”PREACH IT, REVEREND!”
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying…they jumped to their feet and screamed, “RIGHT ON, BROTHER…TELL IT LIKE IT IS…AMEN!”
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet, and one turned to the other and said, “He’s done quit preaching and now he’s meddling’.”
A man got really drunk one night
A young executive was leaving the office
Two elderly, excited women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of lust, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs…”AMEN, BROTHER!”
When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, they yelled again…”PREACH IT, REVEREND!”
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying…they jumped to their feet and screamed, “RIGHT ON, BROTHER…TELL IT LIKE IT IS…AMEN!”
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet, and one turned to the other and said, “He’s done quit preaching and now he’s meddling’.”
A man got really drunk one night
A young executive was leaving the office
9.
Three Engineers are Discussing God
The structural engineer says “I think God must’ve been a structural engineer.
The musculoskeletal system is perfectly designed to allow us to walk upright.”
The electrical engineer says “Interesting, but you are obviously wrong. God is an electrical engineer.
The nervous system is so complex and finely tuned, He couldn’t be anything else!”
The civil engineer turns to them both and declares “you’re both wrong.
Only a civil engineer would run a sewage line through a recreational area.”
A man’s walking home late at night
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest
Three Engineers are Discussing God
The structural engineer says “I think God must’ve been a structural engineer.
The musculoskeletal system is perfectly designed to allow us to walk upright.”
The electrical engineer says “Interesting, but you are obviously wrong. God is an electrical engineer.
The nervous system is so complex and finely tuned, He couldn’t be anything else!”
The civil engineer turns to them both and declares “you’re both wrong.
Only a civil engineer would run a sewage line through a recreational area.”
A man’s walking home late at night
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest
10.
An elderly man goes into a mental institution and talks to the doctor in charge.
He asks the doctor how a patient is actually admitted to the mental institution.
The doctor says, ‘well, we send each patient into a room filled with a bathtub full of water. We then hand each patient a spoon, a ladle and a bucket, and ask them to empty the tub the fastest way possible.’
The man says, ‘oh, I get it, the sane people use the bucket, since it’s the biggest?!’
The doctor replies, ‘no, sane people pull the plug! Would you like a window room with a view?!’
Two friends are having drinks
A man goes to confess
An elderly man goes into a mental institution and talks to the doctor in charge.
He asks the doctor how a patient is actually admitted to the mental institution.
The doctor says, ‘well, we send each patient into a room filled with a bathtub full of water. We then hand each patient a spoon, a ladle and a bucket, and ask them to empty the tub the fastest way possible.’
The man says, ‘oh, I get it, the sane people use the bucket, since it’s the biggest?!’
The doctor replies, ‘no, sane people pull the plug! Would you like a window room with a view?!’
Two friends are having drinks
A man goes to confess
11.
An elderly wealthy man walks into a bank New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He says he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the elderly man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million dollars.
“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says the man, “and I have all the necessary papers.”
The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
After the old man leaves, the loan officer, the bank’s president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the elderly wealthy man man returns, repays the $5000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The old man replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?”
A accountant is in a car travelling
Two guys were playing golf
An elderly wealthy man walks into a bank New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He says he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the elderly man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million dollars.
“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says the man, “and I have all the necessary papers.”
The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
After the old man leaves, the loan officer, the bank’s president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the elderly wealthy man man returns, repays the $5000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The old man replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?”
A accountant is in a car travelling
Two guys were playing golf
12.
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
“I’ve never been better!” he boasted.
“I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”
The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.
And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied “No.”
The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”
“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man.
“Someone else must have shot that bear.”
“That’s kind of what I’m getting at…” replied the doctor.
A kid comes home from school
A guy walks into a post office
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
“I’ve never been better!” he boasted.
“I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”
The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.
And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied “No.”
The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”
“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man.
“Someone else must have shot that bear.”
“That’s kind of what I’m getting at…” replied the doctor.
A kid comes home from school
A guy walks into a post office
13.
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.
She screamed at him: “You’re a pig! A pig with no honor! How dare you do this to me! I’m your faithful wife!”
She was about to storm off, when her husband stopped her with these words: “Wait a minute, let me at least explain what happened!”
“Fine!” sobbed the angry wife, “but they will be your LAST words to me!”
“Well, while I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and haggard. I felt sorry for her, so I brought her home.”
She was hungry, so I made her a meal from the roast beef you thought was too fattening.
Her sandals were torn so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I got you for your birthday that you don’t wear because the colors don’t suit you.
Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you liked before your sister bought the same pair.
Then, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and said pleadingly, “Please, please, is there anything ELSE your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
A 6th grade teacher asks a question
A blonde and a Lawyer on an airplane
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.
She screamed at him: “You’re a pig! A pig with no honor! How dare you do this to me! I’m your faithful wife!”
She was about to storm off, when her husband stopped her with these words: “Wait a minute, let me at least explain what happened!”
“Fine!” sobbed the angry wife, “but they will be your LAST words to me!”
“Well, while I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and haggard. I felt sorry for her, so I brought her home.”
She was hungry, so I made her a meal from the roast beef you thought was too fattening.
Her sandals were torn so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I got you for your birthday that you don’t wear because the colors don’t suit you.
Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you liked before your sister bought the same pair.
Then, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and said pleadingly, “Please, please, is there anything ELSE your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
A 6th grade teacher asks a question
A blonde and a Lawyer on an airplane
14.
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away.
As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
They have another funeral for her.
At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall please!”
A teacher told her young class
A old man lived in the village
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away.
As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
They have another funeral for her.
At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall please!”
A teacher told her young class
A old man lived in the village
15.
After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side.
“Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants.
I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did.
They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large.
I said to her, ‘Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’
Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem.”
Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night.
Then, Jill took off her underwear and gave them to Brian.
“Try these on,” she said.
Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small.
“What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your underwear,” said Brian.
“Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
A drunken man walked into a bar
A young sailor was sitting in a bar
After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side.
“Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants.
I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did.
They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large.
I said to her, ‘Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’
Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem.”
Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night.
Then, Jill took off her underwear and gave them to Brian.
“Try these on,” she said.
Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small.
“What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your underwear,” said Brian.
“Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
A drunken man walked into a bar
A young sailor was sitting in a bar
16.
A man came home from work and settled down in his favorite chair in front of the TV and said to his wife “quick bring me a beer before it starts!”
She looks a little puzzled but brought him a beer When he finished it he said “Quick, bring me another beer it’s gonna start!”
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone he said “Quick! Get me another beer before it starts!”
“That’s it!” She blows her top “You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down,
don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave getting you beer after beer!?
Don’t you realize I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long!?”
The husband sighed and said “oh shit, it’s started”
One day, a park ranger stopped by my house
An Irishman is out of work and decides to go
A man came home from work and settled down in his favorite chair in front of the TV and said to his wife “quick bring me a beer before it starts!”
She looks a little puzzled but brought him a beer When he finished it he said “Quick, bring me another beer it’s gonna start!”
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone he said “Quick! Get me another beer before it starts!”
“That’s it!” She blows her top “You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down,
don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave getting you beer after beer!?
Don’t you realize I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long!?”
The husband sighed and said “oh shit, it’s started”
One day, a park ranger stopped by my house
An Irishman is out of work and decides to go
17.
A doctor remarked on his patients, ruddy complexion.
“I know” the patient said “It’s high blood pressure, it’s from my family.”
“Your mother’s side, or father’s side?” questioned the doctor.
Neither, my wife’s. “What?” the doctor said “that can’t be, how can you get it from your wife’s family?”
“Oh yeah,” the patient responded, “You should meet them sometime!”
A lady went to a doctor office
Sam goes to the doctor
A doctor remarked on his patients, ruddy complexion.
“I know” the patient said “It’s high blood pressure, it’s from my family.”
“Your mother’s side, or father’s side?” questioned the doctor.
Neither, my wife’s. “What?” the doctor said “that can’t be, how can you get it from your wife’s family?”
“Oh yeah,” the patient responded, “You should meet them sometime!”
A lady went to a doctor office
Sam goes to the doctor
18.
Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Brisbane Airport Terminal.
The first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy business man.
The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Mount Isa, Queensland.
After a little while the Victorian woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”
The lady from Mount Isa commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”
The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz again, the lady from Mount Isa commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”
The first woman went on, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”
Yet again, the Mount Isa lady commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”
The first woman then asked, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”
“My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Mount Isa lady.
“Charm school?” the first woman cried, “What on earth could they teach you?”
A guy calls a company and orders
A man told joke
Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Brisbane Airport Terminal.
The first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy business man.
The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Mount Isa, Queensland.
After a little while the Victorian woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”
The lady from Mount Isa commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”
The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz again, the lady from Mount Isa commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”
The first woman went on, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”
Yet again, the Mount Isa lady commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”
The first woman then asked, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”
“My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Mount Isa lady.
“Charm school?” the first woman cried, “What on earth could they teach you?”
A guy calls a company and orders
A man told joke
19.
A boy starts his first day at Walmart.
His trainer says to him “I’ll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it’s done and you can look after the 3rd.”
So the trainer goes to the first customer and says “Can I help you, m’am?” Lady goes “I’m looking for some garden hose.”
Trainer “Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?”
Lady “30ft.”
He takes her to where the hoses are and says “After, can I interest you in a lawn mower?”
“Why would I need a lawn mower?”
“Well you’re going to water your grass, the grass is going to grow and you’re going to need to cut it. You’ll need a lawnmower for that.”
“Actually yeah, I do need a lawnmower.”
The boy is pretty impressed that his trainer was able to sell this lady a lawnmower.
So the trainer goes to the second customer and says “Can I help you, sir?”
The man says “Yeah, I’m looking for some fertilizer.”
“Sure. 10, 20 or 30 pounds?”
“20″
So the trainer takes the man to where the fertilizer is and says “When you’re done can I interest you in a new lawnmower?”
“Why would I need a lawnmower?”
“Well you’re going to fertilize your grass, the grass is going to grow and you’re going to need to cut it. You’re going to need a lawnmower.”
“Yeah, actually, I do need a lawnmower”.
The boy at this point is amazed by his trainer’s salesmanship.
So now it’s the boys turn to help a customer.
He goes up to this lady and asks “Is there something I can help you with today?”
“I’m looking for some tampons.”
“Sure, 10, 20 or 30 pack?”
“30 pack”.
So the boy takes the lady to where the tampons are and says “When you’re done can I interest you in a lawnmower?”
The lady looks at him confused as says “What on earth would I need a lawnmower for?”
“Well, your weekend’s fucked, might as well cut the grass.”
A man goes to the doctor and says
One night a blonde nun was praying
A boy starts his first day at Walmart.
His trainer says to him “I’ll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it’s done and you can look after the 3rd.”
So the trainer goes to the first customer and says “Can I help you, m’am?” Lady goes “I’m looking for some garden hose.”
Trainer “Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?”
Lady “30ft.”
He takes her to where the hoses are and says “After, can I interest you in a lawn mower?”
“Why would I need a lawn mower?”
“Well you’re going to water your grass, the grass is going to grow and you’re going to need to cut it. You’ll need a lawnmower for that.”
“Actually yeah, I do need a lawnmower.”
The boy is pretty impressed that his trainer was able to sell this lady a lawnmower.
So the trainer goes to the second customer and says “Can I help you, sir?”
The man says “Yeah, I’m looking for some fertilizer.”
“Sure. 10, 20 or 30 pounds?”
“20″
So the trainer takes the man to where the fertilizer is and says “When you’re done can I interest you in a new lawnmower?”
“Why would I need a lawnmower?”
“Well you’re going to fertilize your grass, the grass is going to grow and you’re going to need to cut it. You’re going to need a lawnmower.”
“Yeah, actually, I do need a lawnmower”.
The boy at this point is amazed by his trainer’s salesmanship.
So now it’s the boys turn to help a customer.
He goes up to this lady and asks “Is there something I can help you with today?”
“I’m looking for some tampons.”
“Sure, 10, 20 or 30 pack?”
“30 pack”.
So the boy takes the lady to where the tampons are and says “When you’re done can I interest you in a lawnmower?”
The lady looks at him confused as says “What on earth would I need a lawnmower for?”
“Well, your weekend’s fucked, might as well cut the grass.”
A man goes to the doctor and says
One night a blonde nun was praying
20.
Lisa, a 16 year old girl, nervously brought her most recent boyfriend home with her to meet her parents.
Although Lisa was very fond of him she was nervous about what sort of impression he’d make on her parents.
After all, he was full of tattoos and rings all over his body.
“Mom,” said Lisa nervously, “I would like you to meet Spike, my boyfriend, Spike this is my Mom.”
After a few minutes of small talk and pleasantries, Lisa’s Mom called her over and whispered “Lisa, I don’t like him, he just doesn’t seem very nice!”
“Mom please!” retorted Lisa, “if he’s not a nice guy how can you explain the forty hours of community service he does a week?!
An old man went to the doctor
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner
Lisa, a 16 year old girl, nervously brought her most recent boyfriend home with her to meet her parents.
Although Lisa was very fond of him she was nervous about what sort of impression he’d make on her parents.
After all, he was full of tattoos and rings all over his body.
“Mom,” said Lisa nervously, “I would like you to meet Spike, my boyfriend, Spike this is my Mom.”
After a few minutes of small talk and pleasantries, Lisa’s Mom called her over and whispered “Lisa, I don’t like him, he just doesn’t seem very nice!”
“Mom please!” retorted Lisa, “if he’s not a nice guy how can you explain the forty hours of community service he does a week?!
An old man went to the doctor
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner
21.
A husband suspected his wife was cheating on him.
He explained his situation to a pet shop owner who replied,
“I have a parrot that will let you know daily what goes on in your house.
The bird has no legs, so he holds onto his perch with his tool.”
Reluctantly, the husband brought the bird home.
At the end of the first day, the man asked the bird, “Did anything happen today?”
The parrot said, “Yes, the milk man came over.”
The man asked, “What did he do with my wife?”
The bird said, “I don’t know; I got hard and fell.”
There are three women
Why do you want to talk to me
A husband suspected his wife was cheating on him.
He explained his situation to a pet shop owner who replied,
“I have a parrot that will let you know daily what goes on in your house.
The bird has no legs, so he holds onto his perch with his tool.”
Reluctantly, the husband brought the bird home.
At the end of the first day, the man asked the bird, “Did anything happen today?”
The parrot said, “Yes, the milk man came over.”
The man asked, “What did he do with my wife?”
The bird said, “I don’t know; I got hard and fell.”
There are three women
Why do you want to talk to me
22.
A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pigmy standing beside it.
Amazed, he asked: “Did you kill that?”
The pigmy said “Yes.”
The hunter asked, “How could a little fella like you kill a huge beast like that?”
The pigmy said, “I killed it with my club.”
The astonished hunter asked, “How big is your club?”
The pigmy replied, “There’s about 90 of us.”
Mr. john goes to the doctor
The old man was a witness
A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pigmy standing beside it.
Amazed, he asked: “Did you kill that?”
The pigmy said “Yes.”
The hunter asked, “How could a little fella like you kill a huge beast like that?”
The pigmy said, “I killed it with my club.”
The astonished hunter asked, “How big is your club?”
The pigmy replied, “There’s about 90 of us.”
Mr. john goes to the doctor
The old man was a witness
23.
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
“I’m diabetic and I’m afraid I’ve had too much sugar today.” the caller said.
“Are you light-headed?” my colleague asked.
“No,” the caller answered, “I’m a brunette.”
A man walks into a bar and says
A lady walks into the drug store
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
“I’m diabetic and I’m afraid I’ve had too much sugar today.” the caller said.
“Are you light-headed?” my colleague asked.
“No,” the caller answered, “I’m a brunette.”
A man walks into a bar and says
A lady walks into the drug store
24.
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its h*le.
He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that h*le.”
The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little h*le.”
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray.
He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
Then he puts the worm back into the h*le.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”
The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”
A couple walked into cheap restaurant
A young boy caught sight of his mother
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its h*le.
He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that h*le.”
The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little h*le.”
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray.
He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
Then he puts the worm back into the h*le.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”
The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”
A couple walked into cheap restaurant
A young boy caught sight of his mother
25.
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.
The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear.
Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.
The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.
The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle.
The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear.
The same thing happens, the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ‘It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,’ and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly.
Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems.
This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.
The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me – it’s this damn horse.
What is he, deaf or something?”
The trainer replies, “Deaf? DEAF?! He’s not deaf, he’s BLIND!”
The waitress says “I’m sorry
The man checked his speed legged chicken
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.
The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear.
Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.
The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.
The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle.
The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear.
The same thing happens, the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ‘It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,’ and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly.
Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems.
This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.
The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me – it’s this damn horse.
What is he, deaf or something?”
The trainer replies, “Deaf? DEAF?! He’s not deaf, he’s BLIND!”
The waitress says “I’m sorry
The man checked his speed legged chicken
26.
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks.
After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks.
The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks.
After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks.
The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down
27.
An old man of about 70 years age went to the Bank to give his life certificate.
The young cute lady was very nice and polite.
She thanked him and said “OK Sir”.
He asked her “Do you think that I am alive?”
She was shocked. She looked at him and he smiled.
He said “Miss, you did not check my pulse, you did not check my heartbeat, you neither checked my eyes’ reaction for mental activity. So how did you conclude that I am still alive?”
She smiled mischievously, looked at him and said “Sir, if you think you are not alive, please bring your DEATH CERTIFICATE”.
They both laughed heartily.
Nice flirtation at 70!!!.
The pastors wife bought a dress
He gets a checkup with his physician
An old man of about 70 years age went to the Bank to give his life certificate.
The young cute lady was very nice and polite.
She thanked him and said “OK Sir”.
He asked her “Do you think that I am alive?”
She was shocked. She looked at him and he smiled.
He said “Miss, you did not check my pulse, you did not check my heartbeat, you neither checked my eyes’ reaction for mental activity. So how did you conclude that I am still alive?”
She smiled mischievously, looked at him and said “Sir, if you think you are not alive, please bring your DEATH CERTIFICATE”.
They both laughed heartily.
Nice flirtation at 70!!!.
The pastors wife bought a dress
He gets a checkup with his physician
28.
No way man. It’s just it’s just ice cream. Furiously cleans mouth. …I just made this one up. Promise!
Sunny day. Penguin driving down the road. Hears a thump thump from wheel.
Pulls into garage. Take a look at this please.
Ok. Will take a few mins. Go for a walk Penguin.
Sunny day. Penguin get an ice cream.
Waddles around. Bit of window shopping.
Goes back to garage. What’s the story with vehicle garage man? Penguin family at home.
Need to go back and take turn on egg.
Well it looks like you blew a seal…
Cue laughter and cheers …..
My friend has trouble attracting women
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding
No way man. It’s just it’s just ice cream. Furiously cleans mouth. …I just made this one up. Promise!
Sunny day. Penguin driving down the road. Hears a thump thump from wheel.
Pulls into garage. Take a look at this please.
Ok. Will take a few mins. Go for a walk Penguin.
Sunny day. Penguin get an ice cream.
Waddles around. Bit of window shopping.
Goes back to garage. What’s the story with vehicle garage man? Penguin family at home.
Need to go back and take turn on egg.
Well it looks like you blew a seal…
Cue laughter and cheers …..
My friend has trouble attracting women
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding
29.
Little Johnny is back at school after the holidays.
After a few days, his teacher calls up Little Johnny’s dad to report that Johnny has been behaving badly at school.
His dad says to the teacher
“Hang on a minute, I had Johnny at home with me for 2 months and I never phoned you once when he misbehaved.”
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday
Sarah parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend
Little Johnny is back at school after the holidays.
After a few days, his teacher calls up Little Johnny’s dad to report that Johnny has been behaving badly at school.
His dad says to the teacher
“Hang on a minute, I had Johnny at home with me for 2 months and I never phoned you once when he misbehaved.”
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday
Sarah parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend
30.
A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
‘I would like to buy some cyanide’
The pharmacist asked, ‘Why in the world do you need cyanide?’
The lady replied, ‘I need it to poison my husband.’
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed,
‘Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CAN NOT have any cyanide!’
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
‘Well now, that’s different.
You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.
The elderly lady is in the Supermarket
Johnny spends a rare weekend with his dad
A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
‘I would like to buy some cyanide’
The pharmacist asked, ‘Why in the world do you need cyanide?’
The lady replied, ‘I need it to poison my husband.’
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed,
‘Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CAN NOT have any cyanide!’
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
‘Well now, that’s different.
You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.
The elderly lady is in the Supermarket
Johnny spends a rare weekend with his dad
Tags:
Eng Jokes