1.
Santa and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says, ‘I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.’
His second friend says, ‘I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.’
Santa says, ‘I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.’
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
‘No I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.’
A teacher realized that one of his students
A elderly couple a priest and a doctor
Santa and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says, ‘I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.’
His second friend says, ‘I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.’
Santa says, ‘I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.’
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
‘No I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.’
A teacher realized that one of his students
A elderly couple a priest and a doctor
2.
A 91-year-old lady comes to the dentist’s office in North Dakota.
She claimed it was an emergency, so the young doctor working in the clinic prepared himself for the worst.
The old lady walks into the dentist’s office with her cane in one hand, struggling to get to where the doctor is.
“Good day, ma’am,” says the dentist.
“Hello,” responds the grandma.
She sits in the chair, quickly lowers her underpants, and lifts her legs wide open.
The young man can’t believe his eyes, and his face becomes as red as a tomato from the embarrassment.
“Oh, eh… Excuse me, ma’am, but I’m not a gynecologist,” he says with a shaky voice.
“I know,” replies the 91-year-old granny.
“But wasn’t it you who put the new teeth on my husband, Robert?”
“Yes, it was,” says the dentist, confused.
The old lady leans over towards the doctor and grabs his arm: “I want you to take them out!”
There was a blind girl
After many years of bachelorhood
A 91-year-old lady comes to the dentist’s office in North Dakota.
She claimed it was an emergency, so the young doctor working in the clinic prepared himself for the worst.
The old lady walks into the dentist’s office with her cane in one hand, struggling to get to where the doctor is.
“Good day, ma’am,” says the dentist.
“Hello,” responds the grandma.
She sits in the chair, quickly lowers her underpants, and lifts her legs wide open.
The young man can’t believe his eyes, and his face becomes as red as a tomato from the embarrassment.
“Oh, eh… Excuse me, ma’am, but I’m not a gynecologist,” he says with a shaky voice.
“I know,” replies the 91-year-old granny.
“But wasn’t it you who put the new teeth on my husband, Robert?”
“Yes, it was,” says the dentist, confused.
The old lady leans over towards the doctor and grabs his arm: “I want you to take them out!”
There was a blind girl
After many years of bachelorhood
3.
John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
“Would you like a new mink coat?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Mary.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.
“No,” she responds.
“Would some beautiful new jewelry do the trick?” he asks, becoming slightly exasperated.
“Nah…” she shrugs.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he persists.
She again rejects his offer with a “No thanks.”
“Well what WOULD you like?” John asks.
“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
Sorry,” John sighed. “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
A man and his wife were having an argument
A couple is walking in East Berlin
John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
“Would you like a new mink coat?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Mary.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.
“No,” she responds.
“Would some beautiful new jewelry do the trick?” he asks, becoming slightly exasperated.
“Nah…” she shrugs.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he persists.
She again rejects his offer with a “No thanks.”
“Well what WOULD you like?” John asks.
“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
Sorry,” John sighed. “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
A man and his wife were having an argument
A couple is walking in East Berlin
4.
A woman wants to divorce her husband, so she is talking to her lawyer.
Lawyer: “Well first we need a reason, is he not giving you money?”
Woman: “if he hides as much as a dollar from me, I’m not cooking for him for three days straight.”
Lawyer: “Well is he beating you?”
Woman: “Him? I’d throw him through the window, with my left hand only”
Lawyer: “How about being faithful?”
Women: “That’s where we get him! The second child is not from him.”
This blonde city girl who was out driving
The bride immediately called her mother
A woman wants to divorce her husband, so she is talking to her lawyer.
Lawyer: “Well first we need a reason, is he not giving you money?”
Woman: “if he hides as much as a dollar from me, I’m not cooking for him for three days straight.”
Lawyer: “Well is he beating you?”
Woman: “Him? I’d throw him through the window, with my left hand only”
Lawyer: “How about being faithful?”
Women: “That’s where we get him! The second child is not from him.”
This blonde city girl who was out driving
The bride immediately called her mother
5.
A woman went to her dentist to have her dentures adjusted for the fifth time.
She said they still didn’t fit.
“Well,” said the dentist, “I’ll do it again this time, but no more.
There’s no reason why these shouldn’t fit your mouth easily.”
“Who said anything about my mouth?” the woman answered.
“They don’t fit in the glass!”
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident
The retired guy goes to the doctor
A woman went to her dentist to have her dentures adjusted for the fifth time.
She said they still didn’t fit.
“Well,” said the dentist, “I’ll do it again this time, but no more.
There’s no reason why these shouldn’t fit your mouth easily.”
“Who said anything about my mouth?” the woman answered.
“They don’t fit in the glass!”
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident
The retired guy goes to the doctor
6.
Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a big smile on his face.
Mike says, “Pat what are you so happy about?”
“Well Mike i gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxing my boat and a redhead came up to me melons out to here, Mike…melons out to here!
She says, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ I said, ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat!’ So I took her way out Mike.
I turned off the key and said, ‘It’s either bang or swim!’ She couldn’t swim Mike, she couldn’t swim!”
The next day Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat siting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face.
Mike says, “Well what are you so happy about today Pat?”
“Well Mike I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat and a beautiful blonde came up to me…melons out to here, Mike, melons out to here! She said, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’
I told her, ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’
So I took here way out Mike.
Way out much further that the last one.
I turned off the key and said, ‘It’s either bang or swim!’ She couldn’t swim Mike, she couldn’t swim!”
A couple of days pass and Mike walks into a bar to see Pat down there crying over a beer.
Mike says, “Pat what are you so sad about?”
“Well Mike I gotta tell ya…yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat and the most desirable brunette came up to me…melons way out to here Mike, melons way out to here.
She said, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’
I said, ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’
So I took her way out Mike, way way out much further than the last two!
I turned off the key, looked at her melons and said, ‘It’s either bang or swim!’
She pulled down her pants and…She had a pecker Mike! A great big pecker! And… I can’t swim Mike! I can’t swim!”
A new firefighter was being trained
A woman is alone at home
Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a big smile on his face.
Mike says, “Pat what are you so happy about?”
“Well Mike i gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxing my boat and a redhead came up to me melons out to here, Mike…melons out to here!
She says, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ I said, ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat!’ So I took her way out Mike.
I turned off the key and said, ‘It’s either bang or swim!’ She couldn’t swim Mike, she couldn’t swim!”
The next day Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat siting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face.
Mike says, “Well what are you so happy about today Pat?”
“Well Mike I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat and a beautiful blonde came up to me…melons out to here, Mike, melons out to here! She said, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’
I told her, ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’
So I took here way out Mike.
Way out much further that the last one.
I turned off the key and said, ‘It’s either bang or swim!’ She couldn’t swim Mike, she couldn’t swim!”
A couple of days pass and Mike walks into a bar to see Pat down there crying over a beer.
Mike says, “Pat what are you so sad about?”
“Well Mike I gotta tell ya…yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat and the most desirable brunette came up to me…melons way out to here Mike, melons way out to here.
She said, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’
I said, ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’
So I took her way out Mike, way way out much further than the last two!
I turned off the key, looked at her melons and said, ‘It’s either bang or swim!’
She pulled down her pants and…She had a pecker Mike! A great big pecker! And… I can’t swim Mike! I can’t swim!”
A new firefighter was being trained
A woman is alone at home
7.
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest.
The first one spied a nut and cried out, “Oh, look! A nut!”
The second squirrel jumped on it and said, “It’s my nut!”
The first squirrel said, “That’s not fair! I saw it first!”
“Well, you may have seen it, but I have it,” argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, “You shouldn’t quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute.”
The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, “Now, give me the nut.”
He broke the nut in half, and handed half of the shell to each squirrel, saying, “See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved.”
Then he reached over and said, “And for my fee, I’ll take the meat.”
A guy walks into a shoe store
A man walks into a Chemist
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest.
The first one spied a nut and cried out, “Oh, look! A nut!”
The second squirrel jumped on it and said, “It’s my nut!”
The first squirrel said, “That’s not fair! I saw it first!”
“Well, you may have seen it, but I have it,” argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, “You shouldn’t quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute.”
The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, “Now, give me the nut.”
He broke the nut in half, and handed half of the shell to each squirrel, saying, “See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved.”
Then he reached over and said, “And for my fee, I’ll take the meat.”
A guy walks into a shoe store
A man walks into a Chemist
8.
The stud rooster at a poultry farm is getting old, so the farmer buys a new one.
Once he’s arrived, the new rooster walks up to the old one and says, “Listen here, Gramps! This whole farm is mine now!”
The old rooster says, “C’mon buddy? At least let me stick around with the old hens? We’ll stay in the back?”
The new rooster is adamant “No way! All the hens are mine!”.
The old rooster sighs, and offers a proposition: that the two of them race around the farmhouse and if the old rooster wins he can stay on the farm, if he loses then he’ll leave and let the new rooster take over.
The only catch is that since the old rooster isn’t in very good shape, he needs a head start.
So the roosters line up, the old one has his head start, and the new rooster takes off.
As he comes round the front of the house, the old rooster is just in front of him.
He is so close to beating him.
He stretches out his neck and leaps forward, desperate to close the gap between them.
That’s when the farmer looks up from the front porch and sees the two roosters; he takes out his gun, shoots the new rooster in the head, and says,
“Damn! Third gay rooster this week!”
A lady goes into the butcher shop
A philosopher was strolling through
The stud rooster at a poultry farm is getting old, so the farmer buys a new one.
Once he’s arrived, the new rooster walks up to the old one and says, “Listen here, Gramps! This whole farm is mine now!”
The old rooster says, “C’mon buddy? At least let me stick around with the old hens? We’ll stay in the back?”
The new rooster is adamant “No way! All the hens are mine!”.
The old rooster sighs, and offers a proposition: that the two of them race around the farmhouse and if the old rooster wins he can stay on the farm, if he loses then he’ll leave and let the new rooster take over.
The only catch is that since the old rooster isn’t in very good shape, he needs a head start.
So the roosters line up, the old one has his head start, and the new rooster takes off.
As he comes round the front of the house, the old rooster is just in front of him.
He is so close to beating him.
He stretches out his neck and leaps forward, desperate to close the gap between them.
That’s when the farmer looks up from the front porch and sees the two roosters; he takes out his gun, shoots the new rooster in the head, and says,
“Damn! Third gay rooster this week!”
A lady goes into the butcher shop
A philosopher was strolling through
9.
A guy goes over to his friend’s house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
“Hi, is Tony home?”
“No, he went to the store.”, she replies.
“Well, you mind if I wait?”
“No, come in.”
They sit down and the friend says “You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.”
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell a hundred bucks.
She opens her robe and shows one.
He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says “They are so beautiful I’ve got to see the both of them. I’ll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together.”
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look.
Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can’t wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says “You know, your weird friend Chris came over. ”
Tony thinks about this for a second and says “Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen
A young couple were in their honeymoon
A guy goes over to his friend’s house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
“Hi, is Tony home?”
“No, he went to the store.”, she replies.
“Well, you mind if I wait?”
“No, come in.”
They sit down and the friend says “You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.”
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell a hundred bucks.
She opens her robe and shows one.
He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says “They are so beautiful I’ve got to see the both of them. I’ll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together.”
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look.
Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can’t wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says “You know, your weird friend Chris came over. ”
Tony thinks about this for a second and says “Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen
A young couple were in their honeymoon
10.
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery.
He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill.
He replied, in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, “No money in the bank.”
The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”
He said, “Just a spinster sister, who is a nun.”
The nun, slightly perturbed, said, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday
Two old school friends meet on the street
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery.
He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill.
He replied, in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, “No money in the bank.”
The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”
He said, “Just a spinster sister, who is a nun.”
The nun, slightly perturbed, said, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday
Two old school friends meet on the street
11.
A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section.
She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.
Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.
The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.
The blonde replied, “I’m a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I’m going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York.”
Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem.
The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.
Again, the blonde replied: “I’m a famous model. I’m sitting here all the way to New York.”
The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem.
He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde’s ear.
She immediately got up and said, “okay, thank you”.
She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replied, “I just told her that the first-class seats aren’t going to New York.”
A woman went to a pet shop
A blonde goes to a salon for a haircut
A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section.
She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.
Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.
The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.
The blonde replied, “I’m a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I’m going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York.”
Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem.
The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.
Again, the blonde replied: “I’m a famous model. I’m sitting here all the way to New York.”
The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem.
He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde’s ear.
She immediately got up and said, “okay, thank you”.
She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replied, “I just told her that the first-class seats aren’t going to New York.”
A woman went to a pet shop
A blonde goes to a salon for a haircut
12.
An old couple, Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,
“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach however, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later the old man Abe turns to his wife and asks,
“Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?”
“No, sweetheart,” she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,
“Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?”
“OK, no! I’m sorry I forgot to send the check,” she says.
“One last thing, Esther did you remember to send a check for the Visa and MasterCard this month?” he asks.
“Oh, forgive me, Abe,” begged Esther.
“I didn’t send that one, either.”
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, “So, why did you kiss me?”
Abe answers, “They’ll find us.”
Ray came home one night
A man went to his father
An old couple, Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,
“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach however, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later the old man Abe turns to his wife and asks,
“Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?”
“No, sweetheart,” she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,
“Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?”
“OK, no! I’m sorry I forgot to send the check,” she says.
“One last thing, Esther did you remember to send a check for the Visa and MasterCard this month?” he asks.
“Oh, forgive me, Abe,” begged Esther.
“I didn’t send that one, either.”
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, “So, why did you kiss me?”
Abe answers, “They’ll find us.”
Ray came home one night
A man went to his father
13.
A blonde struggling with her weight visited her doctor for advice.
He suggested she run ten miles a day for thirty days, assuring her she’d shed twenty pounds.
After diligently following the plan, she was thrilled to see the results and called to thank the doctor.
But before hanging up, she asked,
“One last thing—how do I get back home? I’m 300 miles away now!”
A elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone
Three drunkards were walking down
A blonde struggling with her weight visited her doctor for advice.
He suggested she run ten miles a day for thirty days, assuring her she’d shed twenty pounds.
After diligently following the plan, she was thrilled to see the results and called to thank the doctor.
But before hanging up, she asked,
“One last thing—how do I get back home? I’m 300 miles away now!”
A elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone
Three drunkards were walking down
14.
A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary.
Knowing his wife loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her.
When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared.
He thanked them and gave each of them one wish.
The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband.
Shazam! Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc.
The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger.
The genie smiled and Shazam! Instantly he turned 93 years old.
A young couple were in their honeymoon
A married couple moves into to a new home
A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary.
Knowing his wife loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her.
When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared.
He thanked them and gave each of them one wish.
The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband.
Shazam! Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc.
The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger.
The genie smiled and Shazam! Instantly he turned 93 years old.
A young couple were in their honeymoon
A married couple moves into to a new home
15.
How to catch an elephant.
Go out deep into a forest that an elephant might be in.
Start digging a really big pit, it also needs to be relatively deep.
Take a knife and scrape off the bark of some of the trees in the forest.
Once you have about 2 pounds of tree bark, return to the home you dug and throw all of the bark into it.
Throw a lit match into the pit, after the bark has been burnt, it will create s ton of ash.
Lay down 20 peas equally far apart in a circle around the ash pit and then wait in a hiding spot.
Stay there until you spot an elephant and when the elephant goes to take a pea you kick it in the ash hole.
After their baby was born
Jenny was explaining to her husband
How to catch an elephant.
Go out deep into a forest that an elephant might be in.
Start digging a really big pit, it also needs to be relatively deep.
Take a knife and scrape off the bark of some of the trees in the forest.
Once you have about 2 pounds of tree bark, return to the home you dug and throw all of the bark into it.
Throw a lit match into the pit, after the bark has been burnt, it will create s ton of ash.
Lay down 20 peas equally far apart in a circle around the ash pit and then wait in a hiding spot.
Stay there until you spot an elephant and when the elephant goes to take a pea you kick it in the ash hole.
After their baby was born
Jenny was explaining to her husband
16.
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.
One day, he sees a speck in the horizon.
He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.”
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.”
The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.”
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
“Ten years!”, he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”
Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”
He replies, “Ten years!”
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”
And the man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”
Two lawyers met at a cocktail party
Two women were playing a round of golf
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.
One day, he sees a speck in the horizon.
He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.”
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.”
The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.”
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
“Ten years!”, he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”
Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”
He replies, “Ten years!”
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”
And the man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”
Two lawyers met at a cocktail party
Two women were playing a round of golf
17.
A truck driver was going down a steep incline when, at the foot of the hill, he was able to make out a couple having lovemaking in the middle of the road.
Five times on his descent he sounded his horn, but they didn’t move.
He finally brought the truck’ to a halt inches from them.
The truck driver got out and stormed:
“What the hell’s the matter with you two?.
Didn’t you hear me? You could have been killed!”
The man replied nonchalantly: “Listen, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.”
A boy was standing in front of the polar
A old man and a 20 year old are paired together
A truck driver was going down a steep incline when, at the foot of the hill, he was able to make out a couple having lovemaking in the middle of the road.
Five times on his descent he sounded his horn, but they didn’t move.
He finally brought the truck’ to a halt inches from them.
The truck driver got out and stormed:
“What the hell’s the matter with you two?.
Didn’t you hear me? You could have been killed!”
The man replied nonchalantly: “Listen, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.”
A boy was standing in front of the polar
A old man and a 20 year old are paired together
18.
Johns tennis elbow was hurting one morning so he decided to go see the doctor.
When he gets to the office he is asked to take a urine test.
He complains about it but finally does it anyway.
About 15 minutes later the doctor called him into the examination room.
“Hey John, that tennis elbow is hurting?” Doctor asked.
“Oh, the receptionist told you about it”? Asked John.
The doctor says “No, no not at all. I bought a new urinalysis machine and it tells me everything.”
“That’s bullshit” says John.
The doctor assures him that it’s true and tells him to take some med and come back in two weeks with another urine sample.
The receptionist give John a specimen cup before he leaves.
Two weeks later John is getting ready to see the doctor but after telling his family about this bullshit machine they decide to play a joke with the old doctor.
John pisses in the cup and so does his wife and teen age daughter, then he jacks off into it.
As he is in the garage he puts a couple drops of oil from his dip stick into the cup and then shakes everything up.
He gets to the office and hands the specimen cup to the receptionist with a big smile on his face.
This time it takes 30 minutes for the doctor to call him and the doctor looks very upset when he calls him.
The second the get into the room the doctor says “Alright bastard, your daughters pregnant, your wife has VD, your cars about to throw a rod and if you don’t stop jacking off your tennis elbow is never going to heal.”
Two guys were working at a sawmill
A man hires a blonde to paint stripes
Johns tennis elbow was hurting one morning so he decided to go see the doctor.
When he gets to the office he is asked to take a urine test.
He complains about it but finally does it anyway.
About 15 minutes later the doctor called him into the examination room.
“Hey John, that tennis elbow is hurting?” Doctor asked.
“Oh, the receptionist told you about it”? Asked John.
The doctor says “No, no not at all. I bought a new urinalysis machine and it tells me everything.”
“That’s bullshit” says John.
The doctor assures him that it’s true and tells him to take some med and come back in two weeks with another urine sample.
The receptionist give John a specimen cup before he leaves.
Two weeks later John is getting ready to see the doctor but after telling his family about this bullshit machine they decide to play a joke with the old doctor.
John pisses in the cup and so does his wife and teen age daughter, then he jacks off into it.
As he is in the garage he puts a couple drops of oil from his dip stick into the cup and then shakes everything up.
He gets to the office and hands the specimen cup to the receptionist with a big smile on his face.
This time it takes 30 minutes for the doctor to call him and the doctor looks very upset when he calls him.
The second the get into the room the doctor says “Alright bastard, your daughters pregnant, your wife has VD, your cars about to throw a rod and if you don’t stop jacking off your tennis elbow is never going to heal.”
Two guys were working at a sawmill
A man hires a blonde to paint stripes
19.
Two Irishman, Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub after drinking late night.
Mick says to Paddy,
“I can’t be bothered to walk all that way.”
“I know,” says Paddy,
“but we’ve no money for a cab and we’ve missed the last bus home.”
“We could steal a bus from the depot,” Mick suggests.
They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out…
After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts,
“Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?”
Paddy shouts back, “I can’t find a No. 91”
* * * * * *
“Oh Jesus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we’ll walk from the round about”.
Software Developer Monkey
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment
Two Irishman, Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub after drinking late night.
Mick says to Paddy,
“I can’t be bothered to walk all that way.”
“I know,” says Paddy,
“but we’ve no money for a cab and we’ve missed the last bus home.”
“We could steal a bus from the depot,” Mick suggests.
They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out…
After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts,
“Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?”
Paddy shouts back, “I can’t find a No. 91”
* * * * * *
“Oh Jesus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we’ll walk from the round about”.
Software Developer Monkey
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment
20.
A young couple were on their honeymoon and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool.
They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased.
As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was too large, and the top and bottom kept coming off.
As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool’s bottom.
That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel’s elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium.
Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.
When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, “That’s not an aquarium…that’s the swimming pool!”
A dentist was getting ready to clean
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging
A young couple were on their honeymoon and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool.
They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased.
As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was too large, and the top and bottom kept coming off.
As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool’s bottom.
That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel’s elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium.
Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.
When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, “That’s not an aquarium…that’s the swimming pool!”
A dentist was getting ready to clean
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging
21.
A Man and His Wife Are at a Restaurant and the Husband Keeps Staring at an Old Drunken Lady Swigging Her Gin at a Nearby Table.
His Wife Asks, “Do You Know Her?”
“Yes,” Sighs the Husband.
“She’s My Ex-wife, she Took to Drinking Right after We Divorced Seven Years Ago, and I Hear She Hasn’t Been Sober Since.”
“My God!” Says the Wife.
“Who Would Think a Person Could Go on Celebrating That Long?”
A poor boy and rich girl
Who Want To Go To Hell
A Man and His Wife Are at a Restaurant and the Husband Keeps Staring at an Old Drunken Lady Swigging Her Gin at a Nearby Table.
His Wife Asks, “Do You Know Her?”
“Yes,” Sighs the Husband.
“She’s My Ex-wife, she Took to Drinking Right after We Divorced Seven Years Ago, and I Hear She Hasn’t Been Sober Since.”
“My God!” Says the Wife.
“Who Would Think a Person Could Go on Celebrating That Long?”
A poor boy and rich girl
Who Want To Go To Hell
22.
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.
He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.”
“Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness”.
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed.
He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer.
Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
She replies, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”
Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.
He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.”
“Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness”.
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed.
He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer.
Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
She replies, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”
Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper
23.
A teacher asks a student:
“What kind of woman would you like to be with when you’re all grown up?”
“A woman like the moon!” Answers the kid.
“That’s beautiful,” breathes the teacher, “what a choice! Because you’d like her to be beautiful and radiant like the moon?”
“No, I’d like her to appear at night and disappear come morning!”
Three nuns who had recently died
Two Irish nuns have just arrived
A teacher asks a student:
“What kind of woman would you like to be with when you’re all grown up?”
“A woman like the moon!” Answers the kid.
“That’s beautiful,” breathes the teacher, “what a choice! Because you’d like her to be beautiful and radiant like the moon?”
“No, I’d like her to appear at night and disappear come morning!”
Three nuns who had recently died
Two Irish nuns have just arrived
24.
I’ve made a severe and continuous lapse of my judgment and I don’t expect to be forgiven I’m simply here to apologize.
So what we came across that day in the woods was obviously unplanned and the reactions you saw on tape were raw they were unfiltered.
None of us knew how to react or how to feel.
I should have never posted the video.
I should have put the cameras down and stopped recording what we were going through.
There’s a lot of things I should have done differently but I didn’t and for that from the bottom of my heart I am sorry.
I want to apologize to the Internet.
I want to apologize to anyone who’s seen the video.
I want to apologize to anyone who has been affected or touched by mental illness or depression or suicide but most importantly I want to apologize to the victim and his family.
For my fans who are defending my actions please don’t they do not deserve to be defended.
The goal with my content is always to entertain to push the boundaries to be all inclusive in the world I live in.
I share almost everything I do the intent is never to be heartless cruel or malicious.
Like I said I’ve made a huge mistake I don’t expect to be forgiven I’m just here to apologize.
I’m ashamed of myself.
I’m disappointed in myself and I promise to be better.
I will be better thank you
There are 2 different approaches for
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar
I’ve made a severe and continuous lapse of my judgment and I don’t expect to be forgiven I’m simply here to apologize.
So what we came across that day in the woods was obviously unplanned and the reactions you saw on tape were raw they were unfiltered.
None of us knew how to react or how to feel.
I should have never posted the video.
I should have put the cameras down and stopped recording what we were going through.
There’s a lot of things I should have done differently but I didn’t and for that from the bottom of my heart I am sorry.
I want to apologize to the Internet.
I want to apologize to anyone who’s seen the video.
I want to apologize to anyone who has been affected or touched by mental illness or depression or suicide but most importantly I want to apologize to the victim and his family.
For my fans who are defending my actions please don’t they do not deserve to be defended.
The goal with my content is always to entertain to push the boundaries to be all inclusive in the world I live in.
I share almost everything I do the intent is never to be heartless cruel or malicious.
Like I said I’ve made a huge mistake I don’t expect to be forgiven I’m just here to apologize.
I’m ashamed of myself.
I’m disappointed in myself and I promise to be better.
I will be better thank you
There are 2 different approaches for
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar
25.
An old man notices that his wife is having trouble hearing.
He tries telling her to go for a hearing test, but she won’t hear of it.
He decides to prove to her there’s something wrong with her hearing.
He goes upstairs, takes out a recorder, turns it on and, knowing she is in the kitchen, yells downstairs,
“Honey, what’s for supper?”
No answer. He goes downstairs and yells
“Honey, what’s for supper?” Still no answer.
He enters the living room and yells again, “Honey, what’s for supper?” No answer.
He even stands right outside the kitchen and yells, “What’s for supper?” and still, no answer.
Finally, he stands right behind her and asks, “Honey. What’s. For. Supper?!” and she turns around and says.
“Damnit Al, for the hundredth time, CHICKEN!!!”
The man gets up and goes to door
She saw her daughter with a vibrator
An old man notices that his wife is having trouble hearing.
He tries telling her to go for a hearing test, but she won’t hear of it.
He decides to prove to her there’s something wrong with her hearing.
He goes upstairs, takes out a recorder, turns it on and, knowing she is in the kitchen, yells downstairs,
“Honey, what’s for supper?”
No answer. He goes downstairs and yells
“Honey, what’s for supper?” Still no answer.
He enters the living room and yells again, “Honey, what’s for supper?” No answer.
He even stands right outside the kitchen and yells, “What’s for supper?” and still, no answer.
Finally, he stands right behind her and asks, “Honey. What’s. For. Supper?!” and she turns around and says.
“Damnit Al, for the hundredth time, CHICKEN!!!”
The man gets up and goes to door
She saw her daughter with a vibrator
26.
The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company’s production line.
At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.
“This”, he said,…
…”is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it”.
At which a Clever Guest stepped forward – there is always one – and spoke into the Computer’s microphone.
“Where is my father?” he asked.
There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.
On it were printed the words: Fishing at Bighorn River, Montana.
Clever Guest laughed.
“Actually”, he said, “My father is dead!”
It had been a tricky question!
The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet,
immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory,
but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said,
“Where is my mother’s husband?”
Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights.
And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words,
“Dead. But your father is still fishing at Bighorn River, Montana.”
Once upon a time a married couple
What is Celibacy
The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company’s production line.
At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.
“This”, he said,…
…”is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it”.
At which a Clever Guest stepped forward – there is always one – and spoke into the Computer’s microphone.
“Where is my father?” he asked.
There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.
On it were printed the words: Fishing at Bighorn River, Montana.
Clever Guest laughed.
“Actually”, he said, “My father is dead!”
It had been a tricky question!
The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet,
immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory,
but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said,
“Where is my mother’s husband?”
Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights.
And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words,
“Dead. But your father is still fishing at Bighorn River, Montana.”
Once upon a time a married couple
What is Celibacy
27.
A man, a squirrel, and 2 bees are going on a road trip.
On the road, they run out of gas so the man pulls over.
One of the bees says, “Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.”
It works until they run out of gas again.
The second bee steps up and says,
“Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.”
It works, until they run out of gas for the third time.
This time the squirrel chimes in and says,
“Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.”
But the man says, “Don’t bother, she only runs on BP.”
A teacher asks her class
Little Johnny asked a questions to his teacher
A man, a squirrel, and 2 bees are going on a road trip.
On the road, they run out of gas so the man pulls over.
One of the bees says, “Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.”
It works until they run out of gas again.
The second bee steps up and says,
“Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.”
It works, until they run out of gas for the third time.
This time the squirrel chimes in and says,
“Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.”
But the man says, “Don’t bother, she only runs on BP.”
A teacher asks her class
Little Johnny asked a questions to his teacher
28.
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.
After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.
After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.
The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch watched the turtle with pain.
Suddenly the female bird says to the male, “Hey dear, I think it’s time to tell our little turtle he is adopted.”
Three Guys Go In For A Job Interview
Little Johnny is constantly late for school
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.
After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.
After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.
The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch watched the turtle with pain.
Suddenly the female bird says to the male, “Hey dear, I think it’s time to tell our little turtle he is adopted.”
Three Guys Go In For A Job Interview
Little Johnny is constantly late for school
29.
Ole and Sven are invited to a costume party with their girlfriends.
The party invitation says to come dressed as an emotion.
After a day of deliberating, they all agree to meet at Sven’s place before going to the party.
Just before Sven is about to put his costume on, there’s a knock on the door.
Outside is his girlfriend, Hilda, who’s dressed head to toe in bright green scales and a flowing emerald dress.
“Oh gosh, Hilda. You sure look good!” Says Sven. “What’s your costume supposed to be?”
Hilda gives her dress a twirl and declares, “Oh I am the emotion of envy!”
Before Sven can reply, Ole’s gal Lena rounds the corner in a long red dress, her hair dyed the color of flames.
Sven lets out a whistle and says, “Oh gosh, Lena! That’s quite da costume! What are you supposed to be?”
Lena curtsies with a giggle and says, “Why, I am the flame of burning love.”
Before either of them can compliment her, Ole rounds the corner, stark n*ked except for an old rubber tire held around his middle.
“Good lord!” Sven says, “Ole! What on earth are you supposed to be?”
Ole grins back at him and says, “Oh, me?” He says, “I am de spare!”
Four freshman partied too hard
The Grandmother of a just got married grandson
Ole and Sven are invited to a costume party with their girlfriends.
The party invitation says to come dressed as an emotion.
After a day of deliberating, they all agree to meet at Sven’s place before going to the party.
Just before Sven is about to put his costume on, there’s a knock on the door.
Outside is his girlfriend, Hilda, who’s dressed head to toe in bright green scales and a flowing emerald dress.
“Oh gosh, Hilda. You sure look good!” Says Sven. “What’s your costume supposed to be?”
Hilda gives her dress a twirl and declares, “Oh I am the emotion of envy!”
Before Sven can reply, Ole’s gal Lena rounds the corner in a long red dress, her hair dyed the color of flames.
Sven lets out a whistle and says, “Oh gosh, Lena! That’s quite da costume! What are you supposed to be?”
Lena curtsies with a giggle and says, “Why, I am the flame of burning love.”
Before either of them can compliment her, Ole rounds the corner, stark n*ked except for an old rubber tire held around his middle.
“Good lord!” Sven says, “Ole! What on earth are you supposed to be?”
Ole grins back at him and says, “Oh, me?” He says, “I am de spare!”
Four freshman partied too hard
The Grandmother of a just got married grandson
30.
A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East.
An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”
After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”
The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”
The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”
Wife sent a message to her husband
A teacher was helping one of her kids
A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East.
An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”
After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”
The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”
The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”
Wife sent a message to her husband
A teacher was helping one of her kids
Tags:
Eng Jokes