1.
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
2.
"When nothing goes right, go left."
"When nothing goes right, go left."
3.
"I’m not a complete idiot—some pieces are missing."
"I’m not a complete idiot—some pieces are missing."
4.
"I’m on cloud wine."
"I’m on cloud wine."
5.
"I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life."
"I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life."
6.
"The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep!"
"The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep!"
7.
"I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right."
8.
"A clean house is a sign of a broken computer."
"A clean house is a sign of a broken computer."
9.
"I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right."
10.
"I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it."
"I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it."
11.
"Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They’re a little shady."
"Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They’re a little shady."
12.
"There’s no ‘I’ in denial."
"There’s no ‘I’ in denial."
13.
"Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you’re forgetting."
"Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you’re forgetting."
14.
"Life’s too short to fold fitted sheets."
"Life’s too short to fold fitted sheets."
15.
"I made a huge to-do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it."
"I made a huge to-do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it."
16.
"You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps."
"You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps."
17.
"My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called lunch."
"My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called lunch."
18.
"I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down."
"I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down."
19.
"I’m not lazy; I’m just very energy efficient."
"I’m not lazy; I’m just very energy efficient."
20.
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it."
21.
"I used to think I had a photographic memory, but it was never developed."
"I used to think I had a photographic memory, but it was never developed."
22.
"I always say ‘morning’ instead of ‘good morning,’ because if it was a good morning, I’d still be in bed."
"I always say ‘morning’ instead of ‘good morning,’ because if it was a good morning, I’d still be in bed."
23.
"I tried to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough."
"I tried to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough."
24.
"I don’t go crazy; I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time."
"I don’t go crazy; I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time."
25.
"Life’s too short to wear matching socks."
"Life’s too short to wear matching socks."
26.
"If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel."
"If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel."
27.
"There’s no need to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time."
"There’s no need to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time."
28.
"I’d tell you a chemistry joke, but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction."
"I’d tell you a chemistry joke, but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction."
29.
"I told my kids I wanted to be cremated. They made me an urn in art class."
"I told my kids I wanted to be cremated. They made me an urn in art class."
30.
"I’m not lazy; I’m on power-saving mode."
"I’m not lazy; I’m on power-saving mode."
Tags:
quotes
