1.
A guy went fishing with his friend and had to ask, “Where is that new rod and reel you had the last time we went fishing? I can’t help but notice that you’re using a stick a string and a safety pin for a hook.”
His friend replied, “My wife thinks I’m wasting money so I told her I’d take the new rod and reel back if I didn’t catch a fish… any more questions?”
“Yes, why didn’t you go to the market and buy a fish to take home? If you remember that’s what I did last year so I could keep my fishing gear.”
His friend answered, “I did, but I forgot to take it out of the package!”
Two kids are talking to each other
A grandfather and grandson were hike together
A guy went fishing with his friend and had to ask, “Where is that new rod and reel you had the last time we went fishing? I can’t help but notice that you’re using a stick a string and a safety pin for a hook.”
His friend replied, “My wife thinks I’m wasting money so I told her I’d take the new rod and reel back if I didn’t catch a fish… any more questions?”
“Yes, why didn’t you go to the market and buy a fish to take home? If you remember that’s what I did last year so I could keep my fishing gear.”
His friend answered, “I did, but I forgot to take it out of the package!”
Two kids are talking to each other
A grandfather and grandson were hike together
2.
Mr. Johnson boarded a plane to New York City.
He was about to sit down in the aisle seat he had booked when he saw a blonde woman sitting in his seat.
“Wh-what are you doing?!” sputtered Mr. Johnson.
“I specifically booked this seat!
Why aren’t you sitting in your seat?!”
The blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
Angrily, Mr. Johnson snatched the blonde’s ticket out of her hand. It was for the middle seat.
“Your ticket says you’re supposed to be sitting in this middle seat!” he shouted.
“I specifically booked this aisle seat because I’m six-foot-five and I hate the cramped spaces of airplane seats! Meanwhile, you don’t seem to be any taller than five-foot-one. You should be able to handle the middle seat just fine!”
He showed the blonde his ticket to prove that he had, indeed, booked the aisle seat.
Again, the blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
“You’d better listen to that guy,” said the woman sitting in the window seat.
“I once dated a guy who was six-foot-one, four inches shorter than that guy, and he always sat in the aisle seat because he hated the cramped spaces.”
For the third time, the blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
Mr. Johnson was now furious.
He told a nearby flight attendant about the blonde in his seat.
The flight attendant whispered something in the blonde’s ear, and the blonde sheepishly moved into the middle seat.
A relieved Mr. Johnson sat in the aisle seat.
As soon as the plane had landed, Mr. Johnson asked the flight attendant, “What did you tell that woman?”
“I told her that the aisle seat wasn’t going to New York City.”
A blonde walks into a bank
George raises his beer mug
Mr. Johnson boarded a plane to New York City.
He was about to sit down in the aisle seat he had booked when he saw a blonde woman sitting in his seat.
“Wh-what are you doing?!” sputtered Mr. Johnson.
“I specifically booked this seat!
Why aren’t you sitting in your seat?!”
The blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
Angrily, Mr. Johnson snatched the blonde’s ticket out of her hand. It was for the middle seat.
“Your ticket says you’re supposed to be sitting in this middle seat!” he shouted.
“I specifically booked this aisle seat because I’m six-foot-five and I hate the cramped spaces of airplane seats! Meanwhile, you don’t seem to be any taller than five-foot-one. You should be able to handle the middle seat just fine!”
He showed the blonde his ticket to prove that he had, indeed, booked the aisle seat.
Again, the blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
“You’d better listen to that guy,” said the woman sitting in the window seat.
“I once dated a guy who was six-foot-one, four inches shorter than that guy, and he always sat in the aisle seat because he hated the cramped spaces.”
For the third time, the blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
Mr. Johnson was now furious.
He told a nearby flight attendant about the blonde in his seat.
The flight attendant whispered something in the blonde’s ear, and the blonde sheepishly moved into the middle seat.
A relieved Mr. Johnson sat in the aisle seat.
As soon as the plane had landed, Mr. Johnson asked the flight attendant, “What did you tell that woman?”
“I told her that the aisle seat wasn’t going to New York City.”
A blonde walks into a bank
George raises his beer mug
3.
A man lives in a high rise on the 15th floor.
Every morning, on the way to work, he takes the elevator all the way down to the 1st floor.
But when he comes home, he takes the elevator to the 8th floor and walks the rest of the way up.
The only exception is when it’s raining. Why?
The man’s a midget, and can’t reach the buttons.
When it’s raining, he has his umbrella with him, so he can reach the 15 button with it.
Two men were hunting in the woods
A police officer asks a thief
A man lives in a high rise on the 15th floor.
Every morning, on the way to work, he takes the elevator all the way down to the 1st floor.
But when he comes home, he takes the elevator to the 8th floor and walks the rest of the way up.
The only exception is when it’s raining. Why?
The man’s a midget, and can’t reach the buttons.
When it’s raining, he has his umbrella with him, so he can reach the 15 button with it.
Two men were hunting in the woods
A police officer asks a thief
4.
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,
“Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady.
“I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.
” Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady.
“You see, my backyard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knothole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knothole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!’
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing.
“OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Not everybody pays.”
A old lady headed to church late
A woman goes her daughter to the doctor
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,
“Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady.
“I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.
” Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady.
“You see, my backyard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knothole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knothole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!’
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing.
“OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Not everybody pays.”
A old lady headed to church late
A woman goes her daughter to the doctor
5.
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”
“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
A young blonde visiting her doctor
At the pearly gates he was asked
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”
“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
A young blonde visiting her doctor
At the pearly gates he was asked
6.
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, “Let’s talk I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger.
“How about nuclear power?” “OK,” said Little Johnny.
“That could be an interesting topic but let me ask you a question first.”
“A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass the same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass why do you suppose that is?”
“Jeez,” said the stranger.
“I have no idea.”
“Well, then,” said Little Johnny, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”
The trooper walks up
Basketball injury
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, “Let’s talk I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger.
“How about nuclear power?” “OK,” said Little Johnny.
“That could be an interesting topic but let me ask you a question first.”
“A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass the same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass why do you suppose that is?”
“Jeez,” said the stranger.
“I have no idea.”
“Well, then,” said Little Johnny, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”
The trooper walks up
Basketball injury
7.
A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pigmy standing beside it.
Amazed, he asked: “Did you kill that?”
The pigmy said “Yes.”
The hunter asked, “How could a little fella like you kill a huge beast like that?”
The pigmy said, “I killed it with my club.”
The astonished hunter asked, “How big is your club?”
The pigmy replied, “There’s about 90 of us.”
Mr. john goes to the doctor
The old man was a witness
A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pigmy standing beside it.
Amazed, he asked: “Did you kill that?”
The pigmy said “Yes.”
The hunter asked, “How could a little fella like you kill a huge beast like that?”
The pigmy said, “I killed it with my club.”
The astonished hunter asked, “How big is your club?”
The pigmy replied, “There’s about 90 of us.”
Mr. john goes to the doctor
The old man was a witness
8.
A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase.
“Honey?”
“Yes, darling?”
“Honey,” he says, in mild exasperation, “why do you persist in putting a protection in my briefcase every time I go on a trip?
You know I only have eyes for you. I’d never be unfaithful.”
“Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you,”
She replies sweetly, “It’s just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you’d be protected.
So please, darling, take it with you, won’t you? For my peace of mind?”
“Oh, alright, if you put it that way,” he relented, “I’ll take it along. But for safety’s sake, better give me more than one!”
A married man decided to work late
A farmer who had a herd of pigs
A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase.
“Honey?”
“Yes, darling?”
“Honey,” he says, in mild exasperation, “why do you persist in putting a protection in my briefcase every time I go on a trip?
You know I only have eyes for you. I’d never be unfaithful.”
“Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you,”
She replies sweetly, “It’s just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you’d be protected.
So please, darling, take it with you, won’t you? For my peace of mind?”
“Oh, alright, if you put it that way,” he relented, “I’ll take it along. But for safety’s sake, better give me more than one!”
A married man decided to work late
A farmer who had a herd of pigs
9.
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand. She said,
“My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her melons are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
He entered their bedroom
A elderly married couple is having problems
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand. She said,
“My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her melons are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
He entered their bedroom
A elderly married couple is having problems
10.
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied:
“I’m going to Las Vegas.”
He asked her why she was going.
She told him: “I just found out that as a woman I can make £400 a night doing what I give you for free.”
He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said:
“And just where do you think you are going?”
“I’m going too!” he replied.
“Why?” she asked.
“I want to see how you are going to live on £800 a year!”
Before & After Marriage
Death comes to collect a man soul
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied:
“I’m going to Las Vegas.”
He asked her why she was going.
She told him: “I just found out that as a woman I can make £400 a night doing what I give you for free.”
He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said:
“And just where do you think you are going?”
“I’m going too!” he replied.
“Why?” she asked.
“I want to see how you are going to live on £800 a year!”
Before & After Marriage
Death comes to collect a man soul
11.
Two blondes, Jane and Sarah, were deep in a philosophical argument.
“Since you’re so damned smart,” Sarah says, “answer this question: why is it that when a slice of buttered bread falls to the ground, it’s bound to fall on the buttered side?”
Jane snorts, “It doesn’t always land on the buttered side.
Here, I’ll prove it.” She gets out the loaf of bread from the cupboard.
Out comes the butter from the fridge.
She generously butters the bread. Then she drops it. Butter side up.
“Ha-ha! See?!”
“You think you’re so smart. You just buttered the wrong side of the bread!”
A woman from New York was driving
A soldier girl wrote to break off their engagement
Two blondes, Jane and Sarah, were deep in a philosophical argument.
“Since you’re so damned smart,” Sarah says, “answer this question: why is it that when a slice of buttered bread falls to the ground, it’s bound to fall on the buttered side?”
Jane snorts, “It doesn’t always land on the buttered side.
Here, I’ll prove it.” She gets out the loaf of bread from the cupboard.
Out comes the butter from the fridge.
She generously butters the bread. Then she drops it. Butter side up.
“Ha-ha! See?!”
“You think you’re so smart. You just buttered the wrong side of the bread!”
A woman from New York was driving
A soldier girl wrote to break off their engagement
12.
A kangaroo at the zoo kept getting out of his enclosure every night.
Knowing that mature kangaroos could hop very high, the zoo officials replaced the eight-foot fence with a ten-foot fence.
He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.
They tore down the ten-foot fence and put up a fifteen-foot fence.
He was out again the next morning.
A twenty-foot fence was put up.
Again he go out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo,
“How high do you think they’ll go?”
The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody thinks to lock the gate at night
I wanted to pick up a few more tennis balls
A guy is eating breakfast with his wife
A kangaroo at the zoo kept getting out of his enclosure every night.
Knowing that mature kangaroos could hop very high, the zoo officials replaced the eight-foot fence with a ten-foot fence.
He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.
They tore down the ten-foot fence and put up a fifteen-foot fence.
He was out again the next morning.
A twenty-foot fence was put up.
Again he go out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo,
“How high do you think they’ll go?”
The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody thinks to lock the gate at night
I wanted to pick up a few more tennis balls
A guy is eating breakfast with his wife
13.
A little boy said to a little girl: I’m your BF!
The little girl asked: What is BF?
The boy laughed and answered: That means Best Friend.
They later dated, the young man said to the girl: I am your BF!
The girl leaned lightly on the boy’s shoulder, shyly asked: What is BF?
The boy replied: It’s Boy Friend!
A few years later they got married, had lovely children, and the husband smiled again and told his wife: I am your BF!
The wife gently asked her husband: What is BF?
The husband looked at the lovely and happy children and replied: It’s Baby’s father!
As they get old, they sit together and watch the sunset on the front porch, and the old man tells his wife: Honey! I am your BF!
The old woman smiled with wrinkles on her face: What is BF?
The old man smiled happily and gave a mysterious answer: Be Forever!
When the dying old man also said: I can BF.
The old woman replied with a sad voice: What is BF??
The old man answered and then closed his eyes: It’s Bye Forever!
A few days later, the old woman also passed away.
Before closing her eyes, the old woman whispered by the old man’s grave: Beside Forever.
A wedding ceremony the priest asked
The pastors wife bought a dress
A little boy said to a little girl: I’m your BF!
The little girl asked: What is BF?
The boy laughed and answered: That means Best Friend.
They later dated, the young man said to the girl: I am your BF!
The girl leaned lightly on the boy’s shoulder, shyly asked: What is BF?
The boy replied: It’s Boy Friend!
A few years later they got married, had lovely children, and the husband smiled again and told his wife: I am your BF!
The wife gently asked her husband: What is BF?
The husband looked at the lovely and happy children and replied: It’s Baby’s father!
As they get old, they sit together and watch the sunset on the front porch, and the old man tells his wife: Honey! I am your BF!
The old woman smiled with wrinkles on her face: What is BF?
The old man smiled happily and gave a mysterious answer: Be Forever!
When the dying old man also said: I can BF.
The old woman replied with a sad voice: What is BF??
The old man answered and then closed his eyes: It’s Bye Forever!
A few days later, the old woman also passed away.
Before closing her eyes, the old woman whispered by the old man’s grave: Beside Forever.
A wedding ceremony the priest asked
The pastors wife bought a dress
14.
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
MAN: “What was that for?”
WIFE: “What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?”
MAN: “Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”
The wife is satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
MAN: “What was that for this time?”
WIFE: “Your horse phoned.”
A husband went to a doctor to talk
A judge was interviewing a lady
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
MAN: “What was that for?”
WIFE: “What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?”
MAN: “Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”
The wife is satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
MAN: “What was that for this time?”
WIFE: “Your horse phoned.”
A husband went to a doctor to talk
A judge was interviewing a lady
15.
At a wedding ceremony the priest asked if there was anyone who had any reason why the marriage shouldn’t go on, it was time to stand up and speak, or forever hold his or her peace.
The moment of utter silence was interrupted by a young beautiful woman carrying a baby.
She started slowly walking toward the pastor.
Everything quickly turned to chaos.
The bride slapped the groom and stormed out of the church.
The groom’s mother fainted.
The groomsmen and brides maids ran away in all directions.
The priest asked the woman, “Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?”
The woman replied, “I can’t hear anything from the back….so am moving to the front seats.”
The nights are already cold so sharing the tent
A little boy said to a little girl
At a wedding ceremony the priest asked if there was anyone who had any reason why the marriage shouldn’t go on, it was time to stand up and speak, or forever hold his or her peace.
The moment of utter silence was interrupted by a young beautiful woman carrying a baby.
She started slowly walking toward the pastor.
Everything quickly turned to chaos.
The bride slapped the groom and stormed out of the church.
The groom’s mother fainted.
The groomsmen and brides maids ran away in all directions.
The priest asked the woman, “Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?”
The woman replied, “I can’t hear anything from the back….so am moving to the front seats.”
The nights are already cold so sharing the tent
A little boy said to a little girl
16.
One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, “Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count.
The other kids could only count to three but I can count to ten….. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!”
The mother responds, “Very good honey.”
The blonde asks, “Is that because I’m a blonde mommy?” And the mother responds, “Yes dear.”
Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said,
“Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! …. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!”
The mother says, “Very good honey.”
The blonde then asked, “Is that because I’m a blonde, Mommy?”
The mother responds, “Yes dear.”
The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother,
“Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had melons. Is that because I’m a blonde, Mommy?”
And the mother responds, “No Honey, it’s because you’re twenty five.”
A blonde sitting in the first class
A call girl brings a client
One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, “Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count.
The other kids could only count to three but I can count to ten….. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!”
The mother responds, “Very good honey.”
The blonde asks, “Is that because I’m a blonde mommy?” And the mother responds, “Yes dear.”
Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said,
“Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! …. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!”
The mother says, “Very good honey.”
The blonde then asked, “Is that because I’m a blonde, Mommy?”
The mother responds, “Yes dear.”
The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother,
“Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had melons. Is that because I’m a blonde, Mommy?”
And the mother responds, “No Honey, it’s because you’re twenty five.”
A blonde sitting in the first class
A call girl brings a client
17.
Once at a crossroad, Mulla Nasruddin Hodja saw a portly nobleman riding towards him.
“I say, Mulla,” said the man.
“Which is the way to the palace?”
“How did you know I was a Mulla?” asked Hodja.
The nobleman had a habit of addressing every scholarly-looking man as “Mulla,” which was a title given to learned men and meant “master” but he didn’t want to tell Hodja that.
“How did I know?” he bragged.
“Well, I’m a mind-reader, that’s how.”
“Pleased to meet you,” said Hodja.
“As to your question, read my mind and proceed.”
He saw an ad in the newspaper
Two young guys appear in court
Once at a crossroad, Mulla Nasruddin Hodja saw a portly nobleman riding towards him.
“I say, Mulla,” said the man.
“Which is the way to the palace?”
“How did you know I was a Mulla?” asked Hodja.
The nobleman had a habit of addressing every scholarly-looking man as “Mulla,” which was a title given to learned men and meant “master” but he didn’t want to tell Hodja that.
“How did I know?” he bragged.
“Well, I’m a mind-reader, that’s how.”
“Pleased to meet you,” said Hodja.
“As to your question, read my mind and proceed.”
He saw an ad in the newspaper
Two young guys appear in court
18.
Joan invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.
“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” Joan answered.
The girl thought for a minute, then bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
The teacher of the earth science class
John and Tony were in the bar
Joan invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.
“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” Joan answered.
The girl thought for a minute, then bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
The teacher of the earth science class
John and Tony were in the bar
19.
A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.
HIM: “I’m sorry dear but I’m up to my neck in work today.”
HER: “But I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you dear.”
HIM: “OK darling, but as I’ve got no time now, just give me the good news.”
HER: “Well, the air bag works.”
After 25 years of marriage
The lady sitting next to a man
A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.
HIM: “I’m sorry dear but I’m up to my neck in work today.”
HER: “But I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you dear.”
HIM: “OK darling, but as I’ve got no time now, just give me the good news.”
HER: “Well, the air bag works.”
After 25 years of marriage
The lady sitting next to a man
20.
A man walks into the front door of a bar.
He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar.
He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.
The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar.
He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries “Man! How many bars do you work at?”
The male teacher in a girls school asked
A man is talking to the family doctor
A man walks into the front door of a bar.
He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar.
He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.
The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar.
He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries “Man! How many bars do you work at?”
The male teacher in a girls school asked
A man is talking to the family doctor
21.
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck’s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement.
He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!”
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists
A young blonde with a coach ticket
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck’s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement.
He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!”
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists
A young blonde with a coach ticket
22.
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud knocking on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunk stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband,
“it is 3:00 in the morning!”
He then returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife.
“Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing set,” replied the drunk.
A young lady settled down in her local train
Two young brothers in Rome
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud knocking on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunk stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband,
“it is 3:00 in the morning!”
He then returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife.
“Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing set,” replied the drunk.
A young lady settled down in her local train
Two young brothers in Rome
23.
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” the man asked.
“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said.
“I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man.
“I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”
“Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?” the man asked.
“What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?” exclaimed the homeless man.
“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The homeless man was astounded.
“Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”
The man replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and lovemaking.”
A police officer was investigating an accident
A old man goes to the Wizard
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” the man asked.
“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said.
“I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man.
“I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”
“Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?” the man asked.
“What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?” exclaimed the homeless man.
“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The homeless man was astounded.
“Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”
The man replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and lovemaking.”
A police officer was investigating an accident
A old man goes to the Wizard
24.
A son took his old father to a restaurant for an evening dinner.
Father being very old and weak, while eating, dropped food on his shirt and trousers.
Other diners watched him in disgust while his son was calm.
After he finished eating, his son who was not at all embarrassed, quietly took him to the washroom, wiped the food particles, removed the stains, combed his hair and fitted his spectacles firmly.
When they came out, the entire restaurant was watching them in dead silence, not able to grasp how someone could embarrass themselves publicly like that.
The son settled the bill and started walking out with his father.
At that time, an old man among-st the diners called out to the son and asked him, “Don’t you think you have left something behind?”.
The son replied, “No sir, I haven’t”.
The old man retorted, Yes you have! You left a lesson for every son and hope for every father”.
The restaurant went silent.
A married couple went to the hospital
The John’s grandpa
A son took his old father to a restaurant for an evening dinner.
Father being very old and weak, while eating, dropped food on his shirt and trousers.
Other diners watched him in disgust while his son was calm.
After he finished eating, his son who was not at all embarrassed, quietly took him to the washroom, wiped the food particles, removed the stains, combed his hair and fitted his spectacles firmly.
When they came out, the entire restaurant was watching them in dead silence, not able to grasp how someone could embarrass themselves publicly like that.
The son settled the bill and started walking out with his father.
At that time, an old man among-st the diners called out to the son and asked him, “Don’t you think you have left something behind?”.
The son replied, “No sir, I haven’t”.
The old man retorted, Yes you have! You left a lesson for every son and hope for every father”.
The restaurant went silent.
A married couple went to the hospital
The John’s grandpa
25.
The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
“May I help you sir?” she asked.
The man replied, “I want to see Valerie.”
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.
He replied, “No, I must see Valerie.”
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
“There are no discounts.
The price is still $10,000.”
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs after an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?”
The man replied, “St Louis.”
“Really,” she said.
“I have family in St Louis.”
“I know,” the man said.
“Your sister died, and I am her lawyer.
She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.”
A hotel guest calls the front desk
A circuit-riding preacher trained his horse
The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
“May I help you sir?” she asked.
The man replied, “I want to see Valerie.”
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.
He replied, “No, I must see Valerie.”
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
“There are no discounts.
The price is still $10,000.”
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs after an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?”
The man replied, “St Louis.”
“Really,” she said.
“I have family in St Louis.”
“I know,” the man said.
“Your sister died, and I am her lawyer.
She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.”
A hotel guest calls the front desk
A circuit-riding preacher trained his horse
26.
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said,
“You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?”
“Well,” he said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
“That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”
“Yeah, and they’re in favor 15 to 2.”
A blonde girl goes to the council
Mrs. Parks asked her class
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said,
“You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?”
“Well,” he said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
“That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”
“Yeah, and they’re in favor 15 to 2.”
A blonde girl goes to the council
Mrs. Parks asked her class
27.
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
“Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”
“I can’t jump out the window, It’s raining out there!”
“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied.
“He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!”
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon,
so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being n*ked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
“Do you always run in the n*de?” one asked.
“Oh yes!” he replied, gasping for air.
“It feels so wonderfully free!”
Another runner moved alongside him.
“Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?”
“Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly.
“That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”
Two Hillbillies sitting in a Diner
In a school science class four worms
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
“Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”
“I can’t jump out the window, It’s raining out there!”
“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied.
“He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!”
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon,
so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being n*ked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
“Do you always run in the n*de?” one asked.
“Oh yes!” he replied, gasping for air.
“It feels so wonderfully free!”
Another runner moved alongside him.
“Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?”
“Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly.
“That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”
Two Hillbillies sitting in a Diner
In a school science class four worms
28.
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist’s office.
Martin says to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry I have three buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb.
I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!
Today is Friday and we have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:15 already…
The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have a tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.”
So the dentist asks Martin, “Which tooth is it sir?”
Martin turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth and show him dear.”
A woman went shopping
A wife asked her husband to drop her
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist’s office.
Martin says to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry I have three buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb.
I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!
Today is Friday and we have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:15 already…
The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have a tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.”
So the dentist asks Martin, “Which tooth is it sir?”
Martin turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth and show him dear.”
A woman went shopping
A wife asked her husband to drop her
29.
Two turtles walk into a bar.
As soon as they enter inside, it starts to rain.
The big turtle turns to the smaller one and says Go home and get the umbrella.
Small Turtle I will, if you promise not to touch my soda.
Two hours pass…….
Big Turtle Well. I guess he’s not coming back. May as well drink his soda.
As he’s about to reach for it, a voice from outside the bar says
If you touch the soda, I won’t go home and get the umbrella.
Three babies are in their mother
On their 50th wedding anniversary
Two turtles walk into a bar.
As soon as they enter inside, it starts to rain.
The big turtle turns to the smaller one and says Go home and get the umbrella.
Small Turtle I will, if you promise not to touch my soda.
Two hours pass…….
Big Turtle Well. I guess he’s not coming back. May as well drink his soda.
As he’s about to reach for it, a voice from outside the bar says
If you touch the soda, I won’t go home and get the umbrella.
Three babies are in their mother
On their 50th wedding anniversary
30.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired holding hands, they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers.
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, She’s lying.
She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday.
My wife and I were sitting at a table
A man calls home to his wife
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired holding hands, they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers.
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, She’s lying.
She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday.
My wife and I were sitting at a table
A man calls home to his wife
Tags:
Eng Jokes