1.
If you let me touch your wife’s bum and smack it, i will pay you $100,000 says a guy to his best friend.
His friend gets furious and asks him to mind what he is saying.
Later in the evening the best friend tells this incident to his wife, and she got more angry at him to deny such an offer.
She says, “you can stand right there with us, he is not gonna make love me.
I mean $100,000 for touching and smacking my bum is worth it, we can buy hell lot of stuff”.
The husband agrees and calls his friend over the next day to touch and smack his wife’s bum.
Everyone is in the room now, the wife comes over, removes her skirt and his friend starts touching and feeling his wife’s bum.
Two minutes passed and he is still touching and feeling it.
The husband got angry and screamed, “yo idiot, smack the bum now, enough”
The friend replied, “how can I smack dude, I don’t have $100,000.
Grandpa what is couple
A woman meets a man in a bar
If you let me touch your wife’s bum and smack it, i will pay you $100,000 says a guy to his best friend.
His friend gets furious and asks him to mind what he is saying.
Later in the evening the best friend tells this incident to his wife, and she got more angry at him to deny such an offer.
She says, “you can stand right there with us, he is not gonna make love me.
I mean $100,000 for touching and smacking my bum is worth it, we can buy hell lot of stuff”.
The husband agrees and calls his friend over the next day to touch and smack his wife’s bum.
Everyone is in the room now, the wife comes over, removes her skirt and his friend starts touching and feeling his wife’s bum.
Two minutes passed and he is still touching and feeling it.
The husband got angry and screamed, “yo idiot, smack the bum now, enough”
The friend replied, “how can I smack dude, I don’t have $100,000.
Grandpa what is couple
A woman meets a man in a bar
2.
Mr. Johnson boarded a plane to New York City.
He was about to sit down in the aisle seat he had booked when he saw a blonde woman sitting in his seat.
“Wh-what are you doing?!” sputtered Mr. Johnson.
“I specifically booked this seat!
Why aren’t you sitting in your seat?!”
The blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
Angrily, Mr. Johnson snatched the blonde’s ticket out of her hand. It was for the middle seat.
“Your ticket says you’re supposed to be sitting in this middle seat!” he shouted.
“I specifically booked this aisle seat because I’m six-foot-five and I hate the cramped spaces of airplane seats! Meanwhile, you don’t seem to be any taller than five-foot-one. You should be able to handle the middle seat just fine!”
He showed the blonde his ticket to prove that he had, indeed, booked the aisle seat.
Again, the blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
“You’d better listen to that guy,” said the woman sitting in the window seat.
“I once dated a guy who was six-foot-one, four inches shorter than that guy, and he always sat in the aisle seat because he hated the cramped spaces.”
For the third time, the blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
Mr. Johnson was now furious.
He told a nearby flight attendant about the blonde in his seat.
The flight attendant whispered something in the blonde’s ear, and the blonde sheepishly moved into the middle seat.
A relieved Mr. Johnson sat in the aisle seat.
As soon as the plane had landed, Mr. Johnson asked the flight attendant, “What did you tell that woman?”
“I told her that the aisle seat wasn’t going to New York City.”
A blonde walks into a bank
George raises his beer mug
Mr. Johnson boarded a plane to New York City.
He was about to sit down in the aisle seat he had booked when he saw a blonde woman sitting in his seat.
“Wh-what are you doing?!” sputtered Mr. Johnson.
“I specifically booked this seat!
Why aren’t you sitting in your seat?!”
The blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
Angrily, Mr. Johnson snatched the blonde’s ticket out of her hand. It was for the middle seat.
“Your ticket says you’re supposed to be sitting in this middle seat!” he shouted.
“I specifically booked this aisle seat because I’m six-foot-five and I hate the cramped spaces of airplane seats! Meanwhile, you don’t seem to be any taller than five-foot-one. You should be able to handle the middle seat just fine!”
He showed the blonde his ticket to prove that he had, indeed, booked the aisle seat.
Again, the blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
“You’d better listen to that guy,” said the woman sitting in the window seat.
“I once dated a guy who was six-foot-one, four inches shorter than that guy, and he always sat in the aisle seat because he hated the cramped spaces.”
For the third time, the blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
Mr. Johnson was now furious.
He told a nearby flight attendant about the blonde in his seat.
The flight attendant whispered something in the blonde’s ear, and the blonde sheepishly moved into the middle seat.
A relieved Mr. Johnson sat in the aisle seat.
As soon as the plane had landed, Mr. Johnson asked the flight attendant, “What did you tell that woman?”
“I told her that the aisle seat wasn’t going to New York City.”
A blonde walks into a bank
George raises his beer mug
3.
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman.
The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants.
They were skin-tight, high-wasted and had no obvious mechanism zipper, buttons or Velcro for opening them.
After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.
“Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?”
“Well,” she replied, “you can start by buying me a drink.”
Billy came home from school
A concerned husband went to a doctor
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman.
The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants.
They were skin-tight, high-wasted and had no obvious mechanism zipper, buttons or Velcro for opening them.
After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.
“Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?”
“Well,” she replied, “you can start by buying me a drink.”
Billy came home from school
A concerned husband went to a doctor
4.
There was a prince who was besotted with his own beauty
If any traveler came to the palace he would ask him: “Have you ever seen anyone as handsome as me?”
No one ever had
One day an obsequious traveler said to him: “I don’t think there could be anyone in the whole world as good-looking as you
I don’t think even a god could be as handsome.”
This made the prince very happy and he went around telling everyone that he was more handsome than any god.
One day he had two visitors who identified themselves as gods.
“We have come to see if you are as handsome as you claim,” they explained.
“Aren’t I?” he asked.
“We visited you earlier in the day when you were asleep,” said one of the gods “You were more handsome then.”
“How could my looks decline within a few hours?” said the prince He turned to his servants “Did I look better in the morning?” he enquirer.
“You looked the same,” said his servants
“We are gods,” said one of the visitors
“We can see what your servants cannot
Their vision is imperfect and we’ll prove it to you bring a bowl of water.”
A bowl of water was brought
The god asked the servants to study it closely and then leave the room
When they were gone, he removed half a spoonful of water from the bowl
Then the servants were called back in.
“Is there any change in the bowl of water?” asked the god.
“None,” said the servants
“They cannot see that the water has diminished,” said the god, “just as they cannot see that your beauty has deteriorated.”
The prince was shaken
He thought : “My beauty is diminishing by the day
It is short-lived
Why am I besotted by something so fleeting? I should concern myself with that which is eternal.”
He never again looked into a mirror and in course of time renounced his throne and became a monk.
A businessman was in big trouble
A guy driving a Yugo
There was a prince who was besotted with his own beauty
If any traveler came to the palace he would ask him: “Have you ever seen anyone as handsome as me?”
No one ever had
One day an obsequious traveler said to him: “I don’t think there could be anyone in the whole world as good-looking as you
I don’t think even a god could be as handsome.”
This made the prince very happy and he went around telling everyone that he was more handsome than any god.
One day he had two visitors who identified themselves as gods.
“We have come to see if you are as handsome as you claim,” they explained.
“Aren’t I?” he asked.
“We visited you earlier in the day when you were asleep,” said one of the gods “You were more handsome then.”
“How could my looks decline within a few hours?” said the prince He turned to his servants “Did I look better in the morning?” he enquirer.
“You looked the same,” said his servants
“We are gods,” said one of the visitors
“We can see what your servants cannot
Their vision is imperfect and we’ll prove it to you bring a bowl of water.”
A bowl of water was brought
The god asked the servants to study it closely and then leave the room
When they were gone, he removed half a spoonful of water from the bowl
Then the servants were called back in.
“Is there any change in the bowl of water?” asked the god.
“None,” said the servants
“They cannot see that the water has diminished,” said the god, “just as they cannot see that your beauty has deteriorated.”
The prince was shaken
He thought : “My beauty is diminishing by the day
It is short-lived
Why am I besotted by something so fleeting? I should concern myself with that which is eternal.”
He never again looked into a mirror and in course of time renounced his throne and became a monk.
A businessman was in big trouble
A guy driving a Yugo
5.
After an hour of gathering up his courage, a shy guy finally approaches the attractive girl at the end of the bar.
“Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She yells, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight, you pig!”
Everyone in the bar stops and stares.
Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table, redfaced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you.
I’m a graduate student in psychology, and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations.”
To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, “What do you mean $200 for a BJ?”
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way
A man is having dinner with his new girlfriend’s family
After an hour of gathering up his courage, a shy guy finally approaches the attractive girl at the end of the bar.
“Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She yells, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight, you pig!”
Everyone in the bar stops and stares.
Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table, redfaced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you.
I’m a graduate student in psychology, and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations.”
To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, “What do you mean $200 for a BJ?”
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way
A man is having dinner with his new girlfriend’s family
6.
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce
The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car
You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got one in my Yugo!”
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, “Yes I have a phone.”
The driver of the Yugo says, “Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!”
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.”
The driver of the Yugo says, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!”
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, “Of course I have a television
A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!”
The driver of the Yugo says, “Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!”
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.
The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car
The bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim
It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day
Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside.
The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo
When there wasn’t any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
“I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, “You got me out of the shower for that?!”
There was a prince
Two roosters fought for supremacy
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce
The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car
You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got one in my Yugo!”
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, “Yes I have a phone.”
The driver of the Yugo says, “Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!”
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.”
The driver of the Yugo says, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!”
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, “Of course I have a television
A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!”
The driver of the Yugo says, “Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!”
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.
The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car
The bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim
It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day
Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside.
The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo
When there wasn’t any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
“I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, “You got me out of the shower for that?!”
There was a prince
Two roosters fought for supremacy
7.
A rich cheapskate hires a local handyman from the want ads.
The handyman shows up in overalls, chewing a piece of straw in his teeth.
“What y’all want done ’round here?” the bumpkin asks.
“I need you to demolish my porch. Smash it apart, and haul the scrap away to the junkyard.”
“Alrighty!” says the bumpkin. “I’ll have ‘er done in a jiffy.” And off he goes.
He comes back, several hours later, all sweaty, and tired. “Well… work’s all done.
But you of all folks oughta know, that that weren’t no Porsche. It’s was a Ferrari.”
A guy dials his home and a strange woman
A guy phones up his Boss
A rich cheapskate hires a local handyman from the want ads.
The handyman shows up in overalls, chewing a piece of straw in his teeth.
“What y’all want done ’round here?” the bumpkin asks.
“I need you to demolish my porch. Smash it apart, and haul the scrap away to the junkyard.”
“Alrighty!” says the bumpkin. “I’ll have ‘er done in a jiffy.” And off he goes.
He comes back, several hours later, all sweaty, and tired. “Well… work’s all done.
But you of all folks oughta know, that that weren’t no Porsche. It’s was a Ferrari.”
A guy dials his home and a strange woman
A guy phones up his Boss
8.
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in make love.
The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental.
He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.
About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!”
The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”
“Nah,” she says, “that’s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”
There were five people aboard an airplane
The bartender asks the guy sitting
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in make love.
The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental.
He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.
About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!”
The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”
“Nah,” she says, “that’s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”
There were five people aboard an airplane
The bartender asks the guy sitting
9.
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband.
“it is 3 o’clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it is 3 o’clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!”
Well, you have a short memory. Can’t you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? “I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
“Hello, are you still there?” Do you still need a push? calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing!”… replies the drunk.
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool
A old man notices his wife is having trouble hearing
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband.
“it is 3 o’clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it is 3 o’clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!”
Well, you have a short memory. Can’t you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? “I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
“Hello, are you still there?” Do you still need a push? calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing!”… replies the drunk.
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool
A old man notices his wife is having trouble hearing
10.
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little “tea set” as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of “tea”, which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea,…
because it was “just the cutest thing!”
My Mom waited, and sure enough, I walked down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know… ?
“Did it ever occur to you that the only place that your daughter can reach to get water is the toilet?”
One afternoon a Lawyer was driving home
Innocent Babies Conversation
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little “tea set” as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of “tea”, which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea,…
because it was “just the cutest thing!”
My Mom waited, and sure enough, I walked down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know… ?
“Did it ever occur to you that the only place that your daughter can reach to get water is the toilet?”
One afternoon a Lawyer was driving home
Innocent Babies Conversation
11.
A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year grandson.
The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.
The family ate together at the table.
But the elderly grandfather’s shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult.
Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor.
When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.
The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.
“We must do something about Grandfather,” said the son.
“I’ve had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor”.
So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.
There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed their dinners together.
Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.
When the family glanced in Grandfather’s direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.
Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.
The four-year-old watched it all in silence.
One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.
He asked the child sweetly, “What are you making?”
Just as sweetly, the boy responded, “Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when you get old.”
The four year old smiled and went back to work.
The words so struck the parents that they were speechless.
Then tears started to stream down their cheeks.
Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done that evening the husband took Grandfather’s hand and gently led him back to the family table.
For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family and for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.
Children are remarkably perceptive their eyes ever observe, their ears ever listen, and their minds ever process the messages they absorb.
If they see us patiently provide a happy home atmosphere for family members, they will imitate that attitude for the rest of their lives.
The wise parent realizes that every day that building blocks are being laid for the child’s future.
The Magical Lamp
A Woman Writes In To A Men’s Helpline
A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year grandson.
The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.
The family ate together at the table.
But the elderly grandfather’s shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult.
Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor.
When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.
The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.
“We must do something about Grandfather,” said the son.
“I’ve had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor”.
So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.
There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed their dinners together.
Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.
When the family glanced in Grandfather’s direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.
Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.
The four-year-old watched it all in silence.
One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.
He asked the child sweetly, “What are you making?”
Just as sweetly, the boy responded, “Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when you get old.”
The four year old smiled and went back to work.
The words so struck the parents that they were speechless.
Then tears started to stream down their cheeks.
Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done that evening the husband took Grandfather’s hand and gently led him back to the family table.
For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family and for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.
Children are remarkably perceptive their eyes ever observe, their ears ever listen, and their minds ever process the messages they absorb.
If they see us patiently provide a happy home atmosphere for family members, they will imitate that attitude for the rest of their lives.
The wise parent realizes that every day that building blocks are being laid for the child’s future.
The Magical Lamp
A Woman Writes In To A Men’s Helpline
12.
After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
The passenger screamed, “Look at the window there’s an old ghost’s face there!”
The driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window.
The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”
The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.”
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.
The driver said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry we’re doing 80 now.”
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
“There he is again,” the passenger yelled he rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?”
“Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked.
The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, “Step on it!”
They were flooring it and going about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
“Oh my God! He’s back!” The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?”
The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”
She finally wakes up and asks the doctor
A very shy guy goes into a bar
After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
The passenger screamed, “Look at the window there’s an old ghost’s face there!”
The driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window.
The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”
The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.”
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.
The driver said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry we’re doing 80 now.”
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
“There he is again,” the passenger yelled he rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?”
“Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked.
The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, “Step on it!”
They were flooring it and going about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
“Oh my God! He’s back!” The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?”
The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”
She finally wakes up and asks the doctor
A very shy guy goes into a bar
13.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee…
“What’s the matter, dear?”, she whispers as she steps into the room.
The husband looks up from his coffee,
“I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?”, he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
“Yes, I do”, she replies.
The husband pauses.
The words were not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?”
‘Yes, I remember”, says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues.
“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,
“Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?”
“I remember that also”, she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says…
“I would have been released today if only I took the right decision!”
The husband called the wife on the phone
A woman went down to the Welfare Office
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee…
“What’s the matter, dear?”, she whispers as she steps into the room.
The husband looks up from his coffee,
“I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?”, he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
“Yes, I do”, she replies.
The husband pauses.
The words were not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?”
‘Yes, I remember”, says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues.
“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,
“Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?”
“I remember that also”, she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says…
“I would have been released today if only I took the right decision!”
The husband called the wife on the phone
A woman went down to the Welfare Office
14.
A guy goes on to a ship to sail (and work) but he notices no women on board.
so he runs to the captain Guy: capt. capt.! there’s no women on board what will be do for pleasure???
capt.:Ohh… don’t worry me laddie just stick your weapon in that barrel and everything will be alright.
So after a few weeks at sea the guy sticks his weapon in the barrel and gets a wonderful sensation.
So he does this every day after that until one day he sticks his weapon in the barrel and nothing happens.
So he runs to the captain and says Guy: capt capt! i stuck my weapon in the barrel and nothing happe!
Capt.:Ohhh i forgot to tell you laddie its your turn in the barrel!
Johnny went to school
This is a seed bank
A guy goes on to a ship to sail (and work) but he notices no women on board.
so he runs to the captain Guy: capt. capt.! there’s no women on board what will be do for pleasure???
capt.:Ohh… don’t worry me laddie just stick your weapon in that barrel and everything will be alright.
So after a few weeks at sea the guy sticks his weapon in the barrel and gets a wonderful sensation.
So he does this every day after that until one day he sticks his weapon in the barrel and nothing happens.
So he runs to the captain and says Guy: capt capt! i stuck my weapon in the barrel and nothing happe!
Capt.:Ohhh i forgot to tell you laddie its your turn in the barrel!
Johnny went to school
This is a seed bank
15.
A high school recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of the girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators.
A water bearer in India had two large pot
A shipwreck
A high school recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of the girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators.
A water bearer in India had two large pot
A shipwreck
16.
During a robbery in Guangzhou, China, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank:
“Don’t move the money belongs to the state your life belongs to you.”
Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.
This is called “Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.
When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: “Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!”
This is called “Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do!
When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber who has only completed Year 6 in primary school.
“Big brother, let’s count how much we got.”
The older robber rebutted and said:
“You are very stupid there is so much money it will take us a long time to count tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!”
This is called “Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!
After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly.
But the supervisor said to him: “Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.
This is called “Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!
The supervisor says: “It will be good if there is a robbery every month.”
This is called “Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job.
The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank.
The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million.
The robbers were very angry and complained: “We risked our lives and only took $20 million.
The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!”
This is called “Knowledge is worth as much as gold!”
The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.
This is called “Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks!
So who are the real robbers here?
A man goes inside a pet shop
The Magical Lamp
During a robbery in Guangzhou, China, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank:
“Don’t move the money belongs to the state your life belongs to you.”
Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.
This is called “Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.
When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: “Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!”
This is called “Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do!
When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber who has only completed Year 6 in primary school.
“Big brother, let’s count how much we got.”
The older robber rebutted and said:
“You are very stupid there is so much money it will take us a long time to count tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!”
This is called “Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!
After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly.
But the supervisor said to him: “Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.
This is called “Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!
The supervisor says: “It will be good if there is a robbery every month.”
This is called “Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job.
The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank.
The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million.
The robbers were very angry and complained: “We risked our lives and only took $20 million.
The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!”
This is called “Knowledge is worth as much as gold!”
The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.
This is called “Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks!
So who are the real robbers here?
A man goes inside a pet shop
The Magical Lamp
17.
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday.
During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:
First Guy: “Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
Second Guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they ask him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth Guy: “I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday.”
A couple had been married for 45 years
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday.
During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:
First Guy: “Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
Second Guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they ask him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth Guy: “I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday.”
A couple had been married for 45 years
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender
18.
A fox observing a fish cart coming, lay down and pretended to be dead.
The cart man, tempted by the idea of making some money by selling the fox’s fur, picked up the animal by its tail and flung it into the back of the cart among the fish.
Then he resumed his journey.
The fox ate his fill of the fish and jumped out of the cart.
A wolf saw him jumping out and asked him what he had been doing in it.
The fox told him and also how he had got into it in the first place.
The wolf ran ahead of the cart and lay down in its path, pretending to be dead.
The cart man was delighted to find another animal to sell, but he found the animal too heavy to lift.
So he pushed it into a sack, tied the sack to his cart and dragged it away.
A Little Old Lady Dropping Money As She Walks
The base commander
A fox observing a fish cart coming, lay down and pretended to be dead.
The cart man, tempted by the idea of making some money by selling the fox’s fur, picked up the animal by its tail and flung it into the back of the cart among the fish.
Then he resumed his journey.
The fox ate his fill of the fish and jumped out of the cart.
A wolf saw him jumping out and asked him what he had been doing in it.
The fox told him and also how he had got into it in the first place.
The wolf ran ahead of the cart and lay down in its path, pretending to be dead.
The cart man was delighted to find another animal to sell, but he found the animal too heavy to lift.
So he pushed it into a sack, tied the sack to his cart and dragged it away.
A Little Old Lady Dropping Money As She Walks
The base commander
19.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says, hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, “Do you know me?”
To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my bum with wet celery?”
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
A man was driving along the highway
A blind man goes to a restaurant
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says, hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, “Do you know me?”
To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my bum with wet celery?”
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
A man was driving along the highway
A blind man goes to a restaurant
20.
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
“Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.
“You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the woman.
“What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.”
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.”
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.”
Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, “You have a broken finger.”
A man and his wife were in divorce court
A man phones home from his office
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
“Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.
“You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the woman.
“What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.”
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.”
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.”
Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, “You have a broken finger.”
A man and his wife were in divorce court
A man phones home from his office
21.
An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure.
The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance.
He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York.
Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles.
Halfway across the country he was told to turn due South knowing that this turn would now throw him further behind schedule he inquired, quite agitated, to the controller for the reason of the turn off course.
The controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement.
The pilot was infuriated and said to the controller, “Look buddy, I am already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me today.
I really don’t see how I could be causing a noise problem for pedestrians when I am over 6 miles above the earth!”
The controller answered in a calm voice, “Apparently, Captain, you have never heard two 747’s collide!”
A horse and a goat
After swearing loyalty to the Captain
An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure.
The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance.
He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York.
Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles.
Halfway across the country he was told to turn due South knowing that this turn would now throw him further behind schedule he inquired, quite agitated, to the controller for the reason of the turn off course.
The controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement.
The pilot was infuriated and said to the controller, “Look buddy, I am already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me today.
I really don’t see how I could be causing a noise problem for pedestrians when I am over 6 miles above the earth!”
The controller answered in a calm voice, “Apparently, Captain, you have never heard two 747’s collide!”
A horse and a goat
After swearing loyalty to the Captain
22.
The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a pure and I don’t know anything about lovemaking. Can you explain it to me first?”
“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles.
“Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of lovemaking, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”
Limply turning his head, He yells at her, “Hey, its not a life sentence, OK!”
A husband and wife decided
A young couple decided to wed
The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a pure and I don’t know anything about lovemaking. Can you explain it to me first?”
“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles.
“Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of lovemaking, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”
Limply turning his head, He yells at her, “Hey, its not a life sentence, OK!”
A husband and wife decided
A young couple decided to wed
23.
Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news?
Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender
Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news?
Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender
24.
A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things.”
The friend says, “Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.’”
The first woman asked, “Did it help?”
Her friend said, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”
A drunken man gets on the bus
Two young men were out in the woods
A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things.”
The friend says, “Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.’”
The first woman asked, “Did it help?”
Her friend said, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”
A drunken man gets on the bus
Two young men were out in the woods
25.
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.
He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.”
“Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her.
If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again.
Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness”.
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed.
He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
He hears no response.
He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply.
He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
She replies, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”
A guy walks into a bar and sits down
A drunk was sitting in a bar
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.
He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.”
“Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her.
If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again.
Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness”.
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed.
He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
He hears no response.
He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply.
He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
She replies, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”
A guy walks into a bar and sits down
A drunk was sitting in a bar
26.
He looks around, and takes a seat neat to a very attractive women.
He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The women notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No”, he replies, “Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.”
The intrigued women says “A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?”
Bond explains “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically”.
The lady says “Whats it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you are not wearing any underwear.”
The women giggles and replies, “Well , it must be broken because I am wearing underwear”
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, “Bloody thing’s an hour fast.”
A man owns a rabbit farm and is known
The old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon
He looks around, and takes a seat neat to a very attractive women.
He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The women notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No”, he replies, “Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.”
The intrigued women says “A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?”
Bond explains “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically”.
The lady says “Whats it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you are not wearing any underwear.”
The women giggles and replies, “Well , it must be broken because I am wearing underwear”
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, “Bloody thing’s an hour fast.”
A man owns a rabbit farm and is known
The old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon
27.
There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London.
The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs.
She didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in Esperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken.
Again, she didn’t know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her corset to show the butcher her melons.
The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…
What were you thinking? Hellooo, her husband speaks English!!
A couple was lying in bed one evening
A young man and a young woman
There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London.
The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs.
She didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in Esperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken.
Again, she didn’t know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her corset to show the butcher her melons.
The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…
What were you thinking? Hellooo, her husband speaks English!!
A couple was lying in bed one evening
A young man and a young woman
28.
A bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a pure and I don’t know anything about make love. Can you explain it to me first?”
“Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison.”
And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles and says, “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time, the bride says, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”
The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.
The bride again says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again,” to which the husband yelled, ”
Hey, it’s not a life sentence!!!”
A man was going up to bed
A blonde was summoned to court to appear
A bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a pure and I don’t know anything about make love. Can you explain it to me first?”
“Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison.”
And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles and says, “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time, the bride says, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”
The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.
The bride again says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again,” to which the husband yelled, ”
Hey, it’s not a life sentence!!!”
A man was going up to bed
A blonde was summoned to court to appear
29.
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand.
She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her melons are so big she can only fasten eight!”
A dude-up city biker
A young naval student
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand.
She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her melons are so big she can only fasten eight!”
A dude-up city biker
A young naval student
30.
Two guys walking through the woods come upon a railroad trestle.
They peer over the edge and cannot see the bottom at all.
One of the two grabs a rock and throws it off the side.
As they both listen – they hear nothing. In shock at how deep it is – they go find an even bigger rock and toss it off the edge.
Same result. Nada. Nothing. No sound
They find a huge boulder and it takes both of them to drag it to the edge and push it over.
Same result again.
A few seconds later there is a noise coming from the woods and a goat is running full speed – then jumps off the trestle and disappears into the abyss.
In utter disbelief in what happened – a man approaches and asks of the two guys have seen a goat. They start laughing and tell the man about what they saw.
He said – no way – he was tied to a huge boulder
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City
Two guys walking through the woods come upon a railroad trestle.
They peer over the edge and cannot see the bottom at all.
One of the two grabs a rock and throws it off the side.
As they both listen – they hear nothing. In shock at how deep it is – they go find an even bigger rock and toss it off the edge.
Same result. Nada. Nothing. No sound
They find a huge boulder and it takes both of them to drag it to the edge and push it over.
Same result again.
A few seconds later there is a noise coming from the woods and a goat is running full speed – then jumps off the trestle and disappears into the abyss.
In utter disbelief in what happened – a man approaches and asks of the two guys have seen a goat. They start laughing and tell the man about what they saw.
He said – no way – he was tied to a huge boulder
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City
Tags:
Eng Jokes