1.
…and sees two priests walking across the street.He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them.He turns to the first priest and proudly says, “I'm Jesus Christ!”The first priest shakes his head and replies, “No, son, you're not.”He then tu
…and sees two priests walking across the street.He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them.He turns to the first priest and proudly says, “I'm Jesus Christ!”The first priest shakes his head and replies, “No, son, you're not.”He then tu
2.
Help In The OfficeA new employee stands before a paper shredder looking confused.“Need some help?” a secretary asks.“Yes,” replies the newcomer“How does this thing work?”“Simple,” she says, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shred
Help In The OfficeA new employee stands before a paper shredder looking confused.“Need some help?” a secretary asks.“Yes,” replies the newcomer“How does this thing work?”“Simple,” she says, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shred
3.
RECIPE FOR TURKEY DRESSING
4 EGGS, BEATEN
7 CUPS POPCORN, UNPOPPED
2 CUPS BREAD CRUMBS
2 CUPS RICE
1 CUP CELERY
1 PACKAGE LIPTON ONION SOUP MIX
MIX ALL INGREDIENTS AND STUFF BIRD.
ROAST FOR 3 HOURS IN 350 DEGREE OVEN.
AT THE END
RECIPE FOR TURKEY DRESSING
4 EGGS, BEATEN
7 CUPS POPCORN, UNPOPPED
2 CUPS BREAD CRUMBS
2 CUPS RICE
1 CUP CELERY
1 PACKAGE LIPTON ONION SOUP MIX
MIX ALL INGREDIENTS AND STUFF BIRD.
ROAST FOR 3 HOURS IN 350 DEGREE OVEN.
AT THE END
4.
While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man’s balls.
To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the ball with on onion.
Several weeks later the patient returned for a checkup.
“How’s your s*x life?” the doc
While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man’s balls.
To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the ball with on onion.
Several weeks later the patient returned for a checkup.
“How’s your s*x life?” the doc
5.
The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little bookThey turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush.They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely naked.They call the police and as they wait, they dec
The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little bookThey turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush.They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely naked.They call the police and as they wait, they dec
6.
A bus driver was plying his regular driving route when an old lady got on the bus and sat behind the driver,
For every ten minutes into the ride, She kept asking the driver a question.
The first ten minutes into the ride, the old woman piped up and
A bus driver was plying his regular driving route when an old lady got on the bus and sat behind the driver,
For every ten minutes into the ride, She kept asking the driver a question.
The first ten minutes into the ride, the old woman piped up and
7.
Doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road.The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up,helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed
Doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road.The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up,helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed
8.
The vast majorities of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve and only go for a last-minute shopping spree.A man would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.Men can't pac
The vast majorities of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve and only go for a last-minute shopping spree.A man would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.Men can't pac
9.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lbweight loss program.The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round he
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lbweight loss program.The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round he
10.
Some European explorers were traveling through the Amazon rainforest with some natives as guides… when they started hearing drums in the distance.
Puzzled the Europeans inquired, “we hear drums? What does that mean?” The Natives answered, “When drums s
Some European explorers were traveling through the Amazon rainforest with some natives as guides… when they started hearing drums in the distance.
Puzzled the Europeans inquired, “we hear drums? What does that mean?” The Natives answered, “When drums s
11.
Wife: Doing her makeup early morning straight out from BedHusband: Are you crazyWife: Just shut up, I need to unlock my phone.Its on face recognition feature and it is not recognizing me.Husband: Laughing Loudly
Wife: Doing her makeup early morning straight out from BedHusband: Are you crazyWife: Just shut up, I need to unlock my phone.Its on face recognition feature and it is not recognizing me.Husband: Laughing Loudly
12.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.“Not a chance,” says the husband, “It is 3:00 in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.“Who was that?” asked his wife.“Just some
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.“Not a chance,” says the husband, “It is 3:00 in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.“Who was that?” asked his wife.“Just some
13.
Two accountants are in their local credit union on their lunch break, when armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to tak
Two accountants are in their local credit union on their lunch break, when armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to tak
14.
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while StPeter is leafing through the big book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can't see that
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while StPeter is leafing through the big book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can't see that
15.
“How are you, darling?” it said“What kind of a day are you having?”“Oh, mother,” said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, “I've had such a bad day.The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and be
“How are you, darling?” it said“What kind of a day are you having?”“Oh, mother,” said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, “I've had such a bad day.The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and be
16.
His friends to him at coffee: “We adore your family life, you've got a great life with your wife and kids.You don't make her say things twiceTell us the secret of this happiness or we'll consider you as a diffident”“Well, i can shortly explainAfter our w
His friends to him at coffee: “We adore your family life, you've got a great life with your wife and kids.You don't make her say things twiceTell us the secret of this happiness or we'll consider you as a diffident”“Well, i can shortly explainAfter our w
17.
As MrSmith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.He called for the three men he trusted most, his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.MrSmith told them, “I'm
As MrSmith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.He called for the three men he trusted most, his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.MrSmith told them, “I'm
18.
There was a party in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain.Two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain and finally reached their car just as the rain let up They jumped in, started it up and headed down the road, laugh
There was a party in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain.Two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain and finally reached their car just as the rain let up They jumped in, started it up and headed down the road, laugh
19.
… after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.“You see, ” Carl says “for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and i
… after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.“You see, ” Carl says “for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and i
20.
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.One woman said, “I call my husband the dentistNobody can drill like he does.”The second woman giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner because of his
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.One woman said, “I call my husband the dentistNobody can drill like he does.”The second woman giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner because of his
21.
An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says ‘who was the p
An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says ‘who was the p
22.
The final exam for a class was scheduled from 8:00-11:00 AMAt 10 AM, with one hour to go, Little Johnny walks in and asks for an exam:The professor hands it to him but informs him that he still must finish within the hour or he will receive a zero and fai
The final exam for a class was scheduled from 8:00-11:00 AMAt 10 AM, with one hour to go, Little Johnny walks in and asks for an exam:The professor hands it to him but informs him that he still must finish within the hour or he will receive a zero and fai
23.
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up
24.
A farmer had just gotten a new rooster for his hens and the old rooster of many years was worried he would be replaced.
However, he had a cunning plan on dealing with this young rival.
He went up to the new rooster and said, “Right, I’ll make you a
A farmer had just gotten a new rooster for his hens and the old rooster of many years was worried he would be replaced.
However, he had a cunning plan on dealing with this young rival.
He went up to the new rooster and said, “Right, I’ll make you a
25.
“Forgive me Father, for I have sinnedI have been with a loose girl.”The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?”‘Yes, Father, it is.”“And who was the girl you were with?”“I can't tell you, FatherI don't want to ruin her reputation.”“Well, T
“Forgive me Father, for I have sinnedI have been with a loose girl.”The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?”‘Yes, Father, it is.”“And who was the girl you were with?”“I can't tell you, FatherI don't want to ruin her reputation.”“Well, T
26.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered the grave news:“There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt.Prepare yourself to be a widowYour husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”Visibly shak
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered the grave news:“There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt.Prepare yourself to be a widowYour husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”Visibly shak
27.
A 91-year-old lady comes to the dentist’s office in North Dakota.
She claimed it was an emergency, so the young doctor working in the clinic prepared himself for the worst.
The old lady walks into the dentist’s office with her cane in one hand, stru
A 91-year-old lady comes to the dentist’s office in North Dakota.
She claimed it was an emergency, so the young doctor working in the clinic prepared himself for the worst.
The old lady walks into the dentist’s office with her cane in one hand, stru
28.
A newly married couple was walking through a garden, suddenly a dog ran towards them.
They both knew it will bite them.
The husband lifted his wife and let the dog bite him rather than his sweetheart
The dog stopped before them, unsure what to do
A newly married couple was walking through a garden, suddenly a dog ran towards them.
They both knew it will bite them.
The husband lifted his wife and let the dog bite him rather than his sweetheart
The dog stopped before them, unsure what to do
29.
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, “Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.
” Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.
“Well,” said Mr. Johnson, “I was looki
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, “Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.
” Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.
“Well,” said Mr. Johnson, “I was looki
30.
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull:
“Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agre
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull:
“Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agre
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Eng Jokes