1.
A couple was walking down their street in Christmas Eve, enjoying the lights, when suddenly…
…they feel a little precipitation.
The man says, “I think it’s raining, we should go back home.”
The woman says, “No, I think it’s snowing.”
The couple argues about this for a few minutes.
The woman looks around and sees a communist officer wandering around that street. “Let’s ask that communist officer.”
So the couple walks over. “Officer Rudolph, sir, is it raining or snowing?”
“Definitely raining,” says Officer Rudolph.
The man turned to his wife, grinning, and says, “See, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear
A German officer watches over his outpost
One day, a park ranger stopped by my house
A couple was walking down their street in Christmas Eve, enjoying the lights, when suddenly…
…they feel a little precipitation.
The man says, “I think it’s raining, we should go back home.”
The woman says, “No, I think it’s snowing.”
The couple argues about this for a few minutes.
The woman looks around and sees a communist officer wandering around that street. “Let’s ask that communist officer.”
So the couple walks over. “Officer Rudolph, sir, is it raining or snowing?”
“Definitely raining,” says Officer Rudolph.
The man turned to his wife, grinning, and says, “See, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear
A German officer watches over his outpost
One day, a park ranger stopped by my house
2.
“Follow me son”, the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people
The father added, “First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.”
And they did.
“Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.”
And they did.
“Now we eat everybody.”
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?”
His wise father replied, “Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!”
The king of a small African nation
Nasruddin Hodja had a buffalo
“Follow me son”, the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people
The father added, “First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.”
And they did.
“Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.”
And they did.
“Now we eat everybody.”
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?”
His wise father replied, “Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!”
The king of a small African nation
Nasruddin Hodja had a buffalo
3.
Johnny went to confession, at the beginning of Lent….
“Bless me Father for I have sinned.
It has been 3 months since my last confession.
In that time I have disobeyed my parents nine times, missed Sunday Mass once, had impure thoughts, oh, about nine hundred times, and played with a girl’s private parts.”
“Played with a girl’s private parts!” exclaimed the priest.
“Whoa, that’s pretty serious.
For your penance say three rosaries and wash your hands in holy water.”
So Johnny knelt down and fudged his way through the laborious incantations of the three rosaries.
Then he made the trek up to the holy water font and started to wash his dirty little fingers.
When the girl who was behind him in the confessional line walks up and says, “Move over, pal. I gotta gargle….”
A man is talking to his best friend
I smelled something funny
Johnny went to confession, at the beginning of Lent….
“Bless me Father for I have sinned.
It has been 3 months since my last confession.
In that time I have disobeyed my parents nine times, missed Sunday Mass once, had impure thoughts, oh, about nine hundred times, and played with a girl’s private parts.”
“Played with a girl’s private parts!” exclaimed the priest.
“Whoa, that’s pretty serious.
For your penance say three rosaries and wash your hands in holy water.”
So Johnny knelt down and fudged his way through the laborious incantations of the three rosaries.
Then he made the trek up to the holy water font and started to wash his dirty little fingers.
When the girl who was behind him in the confessional line walks up and says, “Move over, pal. I gotta gargle….”
A man is talking to his best friend
I smelled something funny
4.
A woman goes her young daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says,
“Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant about 4 months, would be my guess.”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?”
Darla says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says,
“Is there something wrong out there doctor?”
The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!”
A old lady was walking down the street
A city kid went to his grandpa farm
A woman goes her young daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says,
“Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant about 4 months, would be my guess.”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?”
Darla says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says,
“Is there something wrong out there doctor?”
The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!”
A old lady was walking down the street
A city kid went to his grandpa farm
5.
A young teen aged girl was a call girl and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma.
One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of call girl, including the young girl.
The call girl were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk.
Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma.
The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, “What are you lining up for, dear?”
Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
“Mmm, sounds lovely,” said Grandma.
“I think I’ll have some myself,” she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.
A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the call girl.
When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered.
“But you’re so old… how do you do it?”
Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s quite easy, sonny… I just remove my dentures and taste it ’em dry!”
A man buys several sheep
A man and woman are sitting at a bar
A young teen aged girl was a call girl and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma.
One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of call girl, including the young girl.
The call girl were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk.
Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma.
The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, “What are you lining up for, dear?”
Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
“Mmm, sounds lovely,” said Grandma.
“I think I’ll have some myself,” she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.
A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the call girl.
When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered.
“But you’re so old… how do you do it?”
Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s quite easy, sonny… I just remove my dentures and taste it ’em dry!”
A man buys several sheep
A man and woman are sitting at a bar
6.
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.
A man went into a bar in a high rise
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.
A man went into a bar in a high rise
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass
7.
Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Brisbane Airport Terminal.
The first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy business man.
The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Mount Isa, Queensland.
After a little while the Victorian woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”
The lady from Mount Isa commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”
The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz again, the lady from Mount Isa commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”
The first woman went on, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”
Yet again, the Mount Isa lady commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”
The first woman then asked, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”
“My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Mount Isa lady.
“Charm school?” the first woman cried, “What on earth could they teach you?”
A guy calls a company and orders
A man told joke
Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Brisbane Airport Terminal.
The first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy business man.
The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Mount Isa, Queensland.
After a little while the Victorian woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”
The lady from Mount Isa commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”
The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz again, the lady from Mount Isa commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”
The first woman went on, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”
Yet again, the Mount Isa lady commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”
The first woman then asked, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”
“My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Mount Isa lady.
“Charm school?” the first woman cried, “What on earth could they teach you?”
A guy calls a company and orders
A man told joke
8.
A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party.
Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer,
“What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replies the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills.
When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.
Three doctors are discussing
The Human Resources Officer asks a engineer
A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party.
Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer,
“What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replies the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills.
When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.
Three doctors are discussing
The Human Resources Officer asks a engineer
9.
A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax.
After awhile a beggar came up to her and said, “Hello, Luv, how about us going for a walk together?”
“How dare you!” said the woman, “I’m not one of your cheap pickups!”
“Well, then,” said the beggar, “what are you doing in my bed?”
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes
A college teacher reminds her class
A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax.
After awhile a beggar came up to her and said, “Hello, Luv, how about us going for a walk together?”
“How dare you!” said the woman, “I’m not one of your cheap pickups!”
“Well, then,” said the beggar, “what are you doing in my bed?”
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes
A college teacher reminds her class
10.
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Shirley says, “Sophie, you know I’m shy. Why don’t you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.”
Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, “Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.”
“Of course I’m lonely,” he says.
“I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.”
“You’re kidding! What for?”
“For killing my third wife. I strangled her.”
“What happened to your second wife?”
“I shot her.”
“And, if I may ask, your first wife?”
“We had a fight and she fell off a building.”
“Oh my,” says Sophie.
Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, “Yoo-hoo, Shirley. He’s single.”
A young farm girl answers the door
A blonde went to her doctor
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Shirley says, “Sophie, you know I’m shy. Why don’t you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.”
Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, “Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.”
“Of course I’m lonely,” he says.
“I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.”
“You’re kidding! What for?”
“For killing my third wife. I strangled her.”
“What happened to your second wife?”
“I shot her.”
“And, if I may ask, your first wife?”
“We had a fight and she fell off a building.”
“Oh my,” says Sophie.
Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, “Yoo-hoo, Shirley. He’s single.”
A young farm girl answers the door
A blonde went to her doctor
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11.
A little old lady answered a knock on her door one day to find a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man.
“If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I’d like to demonstrate the latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
The old lady responded,
“Go away! I don’t have any money,” and began to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty! Let me show you what this vacuum can do.”
He then dumped a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove every trace of this mess, I’ll eat the rest of it myself.”
The old lady stepped back, smiled, and said,
“Well, I hope you’ve got a big appetite because they cut off my electricity this morning!”
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof
Two teenagers meet after school
A little old lady answered a knock on her door one day to find a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man.
“If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I’d like to demonstrate the latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
The old lady responded,
“Go away! I don’t have any money,” and began to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty! Let me show you what this vacuum can do.”
He then dumped a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove every trace of this mess, I’ll eat the rest of it myself.”
The old lady stepped back, smiled, and said,
“Well, I hope you’ve got a big appetite because they cut off my electricity this morning!”
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof
Two teenagers meet after school
12.
A hunter ventures into the forest to hunt a bear, armed with his trusty 22-gauge rifle.
After some time, he spots an enormous bear, takes aim, and fires.
The smoke clears, but the bear has vanished.
Moments later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “Nobody shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two options: I can tear out your throat and eat you, or you can drop your pants, bend over, and I’ll do as I please.”
The hunter, fearing death, drops his pants and bends over, allowing the bear to do as he said.
Once the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his pants and hobbles back into town, bow-legged and furious.
He purchases a much larger gun and returns to the forest.
He spots the same bear, takes aim, and fires.
The smoke clears, and the bear is gone.
The bear taps the hunter on the shoulder once more and says, “You know the drill.”
Humiliated, the hunter pulls up his pants, drags himself back to town, and buys a bazooka.
Now seething with rage, he returns to the forest, spots the bear, aims, and fires.
The blast from the bazooka sends him sprawling onto his back.
As the smoke clears, the bear looms over him and says, “This isn’t really about hunting for you, is it?”
Two blondes were working on a house
A woman phoned her dentist
A hunter ventures into the forest to hunt a bear, armed with his trusty 22-gauge rifle.
After some time, he spots an enormous bear, takes aim, and fires.
The smoke clears, but the bear has vanished.
Moments later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “Nobody shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two options: I can tear out your throat and eat you, or you can drop your pants, bend over, and I’ll do as I please.”
The hunter, fearing death, drops his pants and bends over, allowing the bear to do as he said.
Once the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his pants and hobbles back into town, bow-legged and furious.
He purchases a much larger gun and returns to the forest.
He spots the same bear, takes aim, and fires.
The smoke clears, and the bear is gone.
The bear taps the hunter on the shoulder once more and says, “You know the drill.”
Humiliated, the hunter pulls up his pants, drags himself back to town, and buys a bazooka.
Now seething with rage, he returns to the forest, spots the bear, aims, and fires.
The blast from the bazooka sends him sprawling onto his back.
As the smoke clears, the bear looms over him and says, “This isn’t really about hunting for you, is it?”
Two blondes were working on a house
A woman phoned her dentist
13.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked.
“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
“Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. ”
And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
A teacher was asking her class
Two elderly ladies have been friends
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked.
“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
“Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. ”
And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
A teacher was asking her class
Two elderly ladies have been friends
14.
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.
The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”
The husband texted back to her:
“I’m on the toilet. Please advise.”
The judge looks sternly at the ex wife
A couple was celebrating their 60th anniversary
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.
The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”
The husband texted back to her:
“I’m on the toilet. Please advise.”
The judge looks sternly at the ex wife
A couple was celebrating their 60th anniversary
15.
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.
The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear.
Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.
The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.
The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle.
The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear.
The same thing happens, the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ‘It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,’ and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly.
Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems.
This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.
The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me – it’s this damn horse.
What is he, deaf or something?”
The trainer replies, “Deaf? DEAF?! He’s not deaf, he’s BLIND!”
The waitress says “I’m sorry
The man checked his speed legged chicken
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.
The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear.
Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.
The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.
The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle.
The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear.
The same thing happens, the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ‘It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,’ and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly.
Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems.
This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.
The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me – it’s this damn horse.
What is he, deaf or something?”
The trainer replies, “Deaf? DEAF?! He’s not deaf, he’s BLIND!”
The waitress says “I’m sorry
The man checked his speed legged chicken
16.
A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher.
She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
“Davy, what noise does a cow make?”
“It goes moo.”
“Alice, what noise does a cat make?”
“It goes meow.”
“Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?”
“It goes baaa.”
“Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?”
“Errr.., it goes.. click!”
The boss joined a group of his workers
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor
A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher.
She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
“Davy, what noise does a cow make?”
“It goes moo.”
“Alice, what noise does a cat make?”
“It goes meow.”
“Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?”
“It goes baaa.”
“Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?”
“Errr.., it goes.. click!”
The boss joined a group of his workers
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor
17.
A man sat in the confession booth in church and said
Forgive me, my Father, for I have sinned
What have you done my son ?
The priest asked. “I had a Promiscuous dream
I dream that I the touched the b**ast of Kim
Silence prevailed for a moment, followed by the noise of the priest leaving his seat.
The man thought to himself “Oh God , he must felt great resentment after my confession !!”
Suddenly , the door opened on the Christian side and the priest exclaimed :
“Let me kiss your hand”
Old Men Are Fast Thinkers Beware
Undressing
A man sat in the confession booth in church and said
Forgive me, my Father, for I have sinned
What have you done my son ?
The priest asked. “I had a Promiscuous dream
I dream that I the touched the b**ast of Kim
Silence prevailed for a moment, followed by the noise of the priest leaving his seat.
The man thought to himself “Oh God , he must felt great resentment after my confession !!”
Suddenly , the door opened on the Christian side and the priest exclaimed :
“Let me kiss your hand”
Old Men Are Fast Thinkers Beware
Undressing
18.
Two Hillbillies sitting in a Diner having a bite to eat.
After the meal they start to discuss their plans to expand the family moonshine business.
All of a sudden, the woman on the table next to theirs starts to cough.
It’s going on for a while, so Billy-Bob walks over and asks ‘kin ye swalla..?’
the woman shakes her head..
‘Kin ye breeve?’
as she turns a shade of blue, the woman shakes her head again
Without a seconds thought Billy-Bob lifts her dress, pulls her p**ties down and gives a long wet lick to her right b*m cheek.
So shocked by this the woman’s body shuddered with disgust and the blockage cleared with a jolt.
Billy-bob walks back to his table, Billy-Ray turns in amazement… ‘I done did hear about that Hind Lick Maneuver, but i didn’t see it be done before!’
A plane crashes
A woman was having a daytime affair
Two Hillbillies sitting in a Diner having a bite to eat.
After the meal they start to discuss their plans to expand the family moonshine business.
All of a sudden, the woman on the table next to theirs starts to cough.
It’s going on for a while, so Billy-Bob walks over and asks ‘kin ye swalla..?’
the woman shakes her head..
‘Kin ye breeve?’
as she turns a shade of blue, the woman shakes her head again
Without a seconds thought Billy-Bob lifts her dress, pulls her p**ties down and gives a long wet lick to her right b*m cheek.
So shocked by this the woman’s body shuddered with disgust and the blockage cleared with a jolt.
Billy-bob walks back to his table, Billy-Ray turns in amazement… ‘I done did hear about that Hind Lick Maneuver, but i didn’t see it be done before!’
A plane crashes
A woman was having a daytime affair
19.
A young man was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor, when someone came by and shouted: “Laloo, your daughter Sweety is badly injured in accident!”
Not knowing what to do, the young man jumped out of his office window in a panic.
While coming down when he was at tenth floor, he remembered he had no daughter named Sweety.
When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.
When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Laloo.
I just won the lottery
The teacher asks to her student
A young man was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor, when someone came by and shouted: “Laloo, your daughter Sweety is badly injured in accident!”
Not knowing what to do, the young man jumped out of his office window in a panic.
While coming down when he was at tenth floor, he remembered he had no daughter named Sweety.
When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.
When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Laloo.
I just won the lottery
The teacher asks to her student
20.
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, “What are you doing?”
She answers, “I’m moving to London. I heard call girl there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.”
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he’s going, he replies,
“I’m coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year.”
Karen goes to the doctor
A hunter went out to hunt
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, “What are you doing?”
She answers, “I’m moving to London. I heard call girl there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.”
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he’s going, he replies,
“I’m coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year.”
Karen goes to the doctor
A hunter went out to hunt
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21.
A man went to his doctor and told him that he had not been feeling well lately.
The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.
“Here take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up,” he said.
“Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Worried to be put on so much medicine the man said.
“Oh, Doc! Now exactly what is my problem?”
The doctor replied, “You are not drinking enough water.”
A man visited the doctor
A old lady and old man were sitting on their porch
A man went to his doctor and told him that he had not been feeling well lately.
The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.
“Here take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up,” he said.
“Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Worried to be put on so much medicine the man said.
“Oh, Doc! Now exactly what is my problem?”
The doctor replied, “You are not drinking enough water.”
A man visited the doctor
A old lady and old man were sitting on their porch
22.
One day, a little old lady went to see the doctor.
The kindly medical professional asked her, “What seems to be the problem, dear?”
She said, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much.”
“My farts never smell, and are always silent.”
“As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”
The doctor said, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week, the little old lady returned for her follow-up appointment.
“Doctor,” she said, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly…”
The doctor said: “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
A rabbit sitting inside his refrigerator
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet
One day, a little old lady went to see the doctor.
The kindly medical professional asked her, “What seems to be the problem, dear?”
She said, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much.”
“My farts never smell, and are always silent.”
“As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”
The doctor said, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week, the little old lady returned for her follow-up appointment.
“Doctor,” she said, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly…”
The doctor said: “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
A rabbit sitting inside his refrigerator
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet
23.
A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application.
The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.
“I must say,” says the executive, “your work history is terrible. You’ve been fired from every job.”
“Yes” says the man.
“Well,” continues the executive, “there’s not much positive in that.”
“Hey!” says the guy as he pokes the application.
“At least I’m not a quitter.”
A plumber was called to a woman apartment
A couple had been married for 45 years
A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application.
The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.
“I must say,” says the executive, “your work history is terrible. You’ve been fired from every job.”
“Yes” says the man.
“Well,” continues the executive, “there’s not much positive in that.”
“Hey!” says the guy as he pokes the application.
“At least I’m not a quitter.”
A plumber was called to a woman apartment
A couple had been married for 45 years
24.
Two guys were playing golf, one of them was about to swing the golf club when he noticed a funeral procession going by on the street.
The man stopped in mid-swing and closed his eyes and said a short prayer.
The other man truly inspired, remarked, clearing his throat, “wow that was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.”
“Well”, the other man said “I was married to her for 35 years.”
A elderly wealthy man walks
A blonde and brunette are sitting
Two guys were playing golf, one of them was about to swing the golf club when he noticed a funeral procession going by on the street.
The man stopped in mid-swing and closed his eyes and said a short prayer.
The other man truly inspired, remarked, clearing his throat, “wow that was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.”
“Well”, the other man said “I was married to her for 35 years.”
A elderly wealthy man walks
A blonde and brunette are sitting
25.
One day a beggar knocked at the door of a house, and when a woman opened the door, asked her for alms.
“I’ve nothing to give you,” said the woman.
“Please go!”
The woman, who was newly married, lived with her mother-in-law when her mother-in-law heard her refusing alms to the beggar she was furious.
“Who are you to refuse alms to this man!” she demanded.
“I’m the mistress of the house!!”
Thus chastened, the daughter-in-law fled to her room.
“Thank you, kind lady,” said the beggar, ingratiatingly.
“All I asked for was a coin to buy food, I did not know she was not the mistress of the house.”
“She’s not!” snapped the woman.
“She had no right to refuse you alms I’m in charge here, and let me tell you something: you’re not getting a money from me!!”
And with that, she slammed the door in the beggar’s face.
Akbar & Birbal
A young lady was waiting for her flight
One day a beggar knocked at the door of a house, and when a woman opened the door, asked her for alms.
“I’ve nothing to give you,” said the woman.
“Please go!”
The woman, who was newly married, lived with her mother-in-law when her mother-in-law heard her refusing alms to the beggar she was furious.
“Who are you to refuse alms to this man!” she demanded.
“I’m the mistress of the house!!”
Thus chastened, the daughter-in-law fled to her room.
“Thank you, kind lady,” said the beggar, ingratiatingly.
“All I asked for was a coin to buy food, I did not know she was not the mistress of the house.”
“She’s not!” snapped the woman.
“She had no right to refuse you alms I’m in charge here, and let me tell you something: you’re not getting a money from me!!”
And with that, she slammed the door in the beggar’s face.
Akbar & Birbal
A young lady was waiting for her flight
26.
A man goes to take out a loan.
The loan officer comes over immediately.
“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.
“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.
The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.
So, the man holds out his hand and opens his palm, saying: “These are the keys to my car, which is sitting out front. Here are the documents, as well”.
The loan officer peeks out the window and sees a brand new Ferrari parallel parked directly in front of the bank.
“One moment, please.”
The loan officer walks into a back office to consult with the president of the bank.
Everything checks out. So, after sharing a laugh with the president at this man leaving a $750,000 car as security for a $5,000 loan, the loan officer returns and tells the man that they will happily accept the Ferrari.
An employee of the bank then drives the car into the bank’s underground garage and parks it.
Two weeks later, the man returns and pays the $5,000 plus interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer smiles and says: “Sir, we are very happy to have your business. This transaction has worked out very nicely. But to be honest, we are a little bit puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. So what puzzled us is why you’d bother to borrow $5,000?”
The man replies: “Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for just $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up bartender
Johnny and Susie were playing
A man goes to take out a loan.
The loan officer comes over immediately.
“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.
“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.
The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.
So, the man holds out his hand and opens his palm, saying: “These are the keys to my car, which is sitting out front. Here are the documents, as well”.
The loan officer peeks out the window and sees a brand new Ferrari parallel parked directly in front of the bank.
“One moment, please.”
The loan officer walks into a back office to consult with the president of the bank.
Everything checks out. So, after sharing a laugh with the president at this man leaving a $750,000 car as security for a $5,000 loan, the loan officer returns and tells the man that they will happily accept the Ferrari.
An employee of the bank then drives the car into the bank’s underground garage and parks it.
Two weeks later, the man returns and pays the $5,000 plus interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer smiles and says: “Sir, we are very happy to have your business. This transaction has worked out very nicely. But to be honest, we are a little bit puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. So what puzzled us is why you’d bother to borrow $5,000?”
The man replies: “Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for just $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up bartender
Johnny and Susie were playing
27.
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering,
The pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000.?
It happened again the next week.?
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.?
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.
“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.”
The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”
The old lady said, “$10,000 a week.”
The pastor was amazed.
“Your son is very successful. What does he do for a living?”
“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.
“That is an honorable profession,” the pastor said.
“Where does he practice?”
The old lady said proudly,
“In Nevada…. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.”
A man prepares his donkey and dog
A little girl was talking to her teacher
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering,
The pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000.?
It happened again the next week.?
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.?
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.
“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.”
The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”
The old lady said, “$10,000 a week.”
The pastor was amazed.
“Your son is very successful. What does he do for a living?”
“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.
“That is an honorable profession,” the pastor said.
“Where does he practice?”
The old lady said proudly,
“In Nevada…. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.”
A man prepares his donkey and dog
A little girl was talking to her teacher
28.
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the many posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.
The agent had been having a pretty good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop,
“I know that on your pensions you could never hope to have a holiday like these, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.”
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel.
Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came into his shop.
“And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly.
“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said.
“I’ve come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me,” she said.
“Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?”
Little Johnny is riding with his Uncle Bob
A man dreams that he is a chicken
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the many posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.
The agent had been having a pretty good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop,
“I know that on your pensions you could never hope to have a holiday like these, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.”
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel.
Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came into his shop.
“And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly.
“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said.
“I’ve come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me,” she said.
“Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?”
Little Johnny is riding with his Uncle Bob
A man dreams that he is a chicken
29.
A little boy was afraid of the dark.
One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son.
“You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained.
“Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.”
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?”
“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little.
Peering out into the darkness, he called, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?”
A old man goes to the Wizard
A guy is riding the bus
A little boy was afraid of the dark.
One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son.
“You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained.
“Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.”
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?”
“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little.
Peering out into the darkness, he called, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?”
A old man goes to the Wizard
A guy is riding the bus
30.
Two Arkansans meet on a dusty, country road.
One of them is carrying a big bag, labeled chickens.
“Chickens, eh?” says his friend.
“Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?”
“Heck,” says the guy with the bag.
“You guess right, I’ll give you both of ’em.”
“Um…five?”
A priest and a rabbi
A customer in a restaurant
Two Arkansans meet on a dusty, country road.
One of them is carrying a big bag, labeled chickens.
“Chickens, eh?” says his friend.
“Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?”
“Heck,” says the guy with the bag.
“You guess right, I’ll give you both of ’em.”
“Um…five?”
A priest and a rabbi
A customer in a restaurant