1.
“Did Santa get you that?” “Yes,” replies the little girl.“Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!” and fines her $5.The little girl looks up at the cop and says,“Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?”The cop chuckles and r
“Did Santa get you that?” “Yes,” replies the little girl.“Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!” and fines her $5.The little girl looks up at the cop and says,“Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?”The cop chuckles and r
2.
My girlfriend was slightly overweight.So, our Doctor put her on a diet.He said to her that she had to eat regularly for 2 days, skip a day and repeat that procedure for 3 weeks and that when he sees her next time, she should have lost at least seven pound
My girlfriend was slightly overweight.So, our Doctor put her on a diet.He said to her that she had to eat regularly for 2 days, skip a day and repeat that procedure for 3 weeks and that when he sees her next time, she should have lost at least seven pound
3.
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal*Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.The w
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal*Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.The w
4.
A man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bartender “If I impress you, can I have a free drink?” The bartender said sure, so the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a tiny piano.
He then pulled out a small rat and set it by the piano.
A man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bartender “If I impress you, can I have a free drink?” The bartender said sure, so the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a tiny piano.
He then pulled out a small rat and set it by the piano.
5.
One day a horse trader, a foreigner, came to the court of Krishnadeva Raya and told him he had some fine horses for sale.The emperor offered to buy them.The man took an advance of 5000 gold coins and promising to return with the horses in two days, went a
One day a horse trader, a foreigner, came to the court of Krishnadeva Raya and told him he had some fine horses for sale.The emperor offered to buy them.The man took an advance of 5000 gold coins and promising to return with the horses in two days, went a
6.
An elderly lady called the hospital to ask about a patient who was being cared for.“Hello, I'd like some information on a patient, her name is MrsTiptreeShe is in Ward P, Room 23.”“I will just put you through to the ward.”The elderly lady repeated her req
An elderly lady called the hospital to ask about a patient who was being cared for.“Hello, I'd like some information on a patient, her name is MrsTiptreeShe is in Ward P, Room 23.”“I will just put you through to the ward.”The elderly lady repeated her req
7.
Dan married a woman with an identical twin.
Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
“Tell the court why you want a divorce,” said the judge.
“Well, your honor, every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a vis
Dan married a woman with an identical twin.
Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
“Tell the court why you want a divorce,” said the judge.
“Well, your honor, every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a vis
8.
They stop at a gun shop to get all the gear they will need. The clerk helping them out decided to have a little fun with the newbies.CLERK: Best way to hunt a moose is in one of these female moose costumes. You both get in it, make a moose mating call,
They stop at a gun shop to get all the gear they will need. The clerk helping them out decided to have a little fun with the newbies.CLERK: Best way to hunt a moose is in one of these female moose costumes. You both get in it, make a moose mating call,
9.
Dolly wanted a new living room set but her husband kept saying.
“No.” Every day she would ask him to please let her have the set.
Every day he would say. “No.”
One day he decided to end this discussion once and for all.
When Dolly asked, he lo
Dolly wanted a new living room set but her husband kept saying.
“No.” Every day she would ask him to please let her have the set.
Every day he would say. “No.”
One day he decided to end this discussion once and for all.
When Dolly asked, he lo
10.
Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married.They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstoreJacob suggests that they go inHe addresses the man behind the counter:“Are you the owner?” T
Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married.They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstoreJacob suggests that they go inHe addresses the man behind the counter:“Are you the owner?” T
11.
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She’s chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
Don’t worry about that,’ says St. Peter, ‘It’s only someone having the holes drilled
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She’s chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
Don’t worry about that,’ says St. Peter, ‘It’s only someone having the holes drilled
12.
He was a widower and she a widow.They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with
He was a widower and she a widow.They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with
13.
One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregationEveryone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calm
One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregationEveryone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calm
14.
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:“Before you leave, I want you to hear how thi
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:“Before you leave, I want you to hear how thi
15.
A man left for work one Friday afternoon.But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angr
A man left for work one Friday afternoon.But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angr
16.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp.They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie.He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get o
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp.They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie.He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get o
17.
A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers.
Salesman: “Can I see your dad?”
Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.”
Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?”
Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.”
Salesman: “Do you think
A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers.
Salesman: “Can I see your dad?”
Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.”
Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?”
Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.”
Salesman: “Do you think
18.
A group of guys, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the waitresses there were gorgeous, with lovely legs, lovely smiles and and great personalities.
A group of guys, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the waitresses there were gorgeous, with lovely legs, lovely smiles and and great personalities.
19.
On their first date, a man asked his companion if she'd like a drink with dinner.“Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?” she said.Later, he offered her a cigarette.“Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?” she said again On the drive
On their first date, a man asked his companion if she'd like a drink with dinner.“Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?” she said.Later, he offered her a cigarette.“Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?” she said again On the drive
20.
Sam and his wife Rachel were playing golf at the club when she drove a 300 yard tee shot straight down the fairway.
Sam said, ‘Wow I have never seen you play this well before!’ ‘I took lessons.’ Says Rachel.
A couple of days later on the tennis cour
Sam and his wife Rachel were playing golf at the club when she drove a 300 yard tee shot straight down the fairway.
Sam said, ‘Wow I have never seen you play this well before!’ ‘I took lessons.’ Says Rachel.
A couple of days later on the tennis cour
21.
A plane crashesThe only survivor is a flight attendant.She finds herself on a deserted island and after a while gets really hot so she takes her shirt off exposing her cleavage.She sees smoke nearby and a rives to see a man cooking some meat.Where are you
A plane crashesThe only survivor is a flight attendant.She finds herself on a deserted island and after a while gets really hot so she takes her shirt off exposing her cleavage.She sees smoke nearby and a rives to see a man cooking some meat.Where are you
22.
A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said;
“Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithf
A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said;
“Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithf
23.
The famous professor of mathematics was in town for a conference.Since he had some free time, he was approached to give a seminar for the undergraduate mathematics students at the local college.After covering several blackboards with densely packed comput
The famous professor of mathematics was in town for a conference.Since he had some free time, he was approached to give a seminar for the undergraduate mathematics students at the local college.After covering several blackboards with densely packed comput
24.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.When the time of the practical exam
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.When the time of the practical exam
25.
Four affluent fathers meet up for their yearly golf match with each otherAs fathers tend to do, they all start bragging about their children.The first father brags, “My son is a successful real estate agent! He's so successful, he gave a beautiful house
Four affluent fathers meet up for their yearly golf match with each otherAs fathers tend to do, they all start bragging about their children.The first father brags, “My son is a successful real estate agent! He's so successful, he gave a beautiful house
26.
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lieHe decides to test it out on his son at supper.Dad says: “Where were you last night?”Son says: “I was at the library.”The robot slaps the son.Son says “OK, I was at a friend's house.”“Doing wha
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lieHe decides to test it out on his son at supper.Dad says: “Where were you last night?”Son says: “I was at the library.”The robot slaps the son.Son says “OK, I was at a friend's house.”“Doing wha
27.
… noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget.They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream
… noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget.They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream
28.
Jerry is the manager of a restaurant. He is always in a good mood.
When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would always reply: “If I were any better, I would be twins!”
Many of the waiters at his restaurant quit their jobs when he changed jo
Jerry is the manager of a restaurant. He is always in a good mood.
When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would always reply: “If I were any better, I would be twins!”
Many of the waiters at his restaurant quit their jobs when he changed jo
29.
She gets out of bed and puts on her shoes. As she's walking down the hallway to the convent kitchen, another nun looks at her, smiles and says, “Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!”She thought this was a bit odd, but decides to igno
She gets out of bed and puts on her shoes. As she's walking down the hallway to the convent kitchen, another nun looks at her, smiles and says, “Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!”She thought this was a bit odd, but decides to igno
30.
Back in those days when corporal punishment was permitted to teachers, a minor teacher named Miss Bings complained to one of her superiors, Miss Manners, that she had spanked one particular boy, Thomas, until she could spank him no more for physical fatig
Back in those days when corporal punishment was permitted to teachers, a minor teacher named Miss Bings complained to one of her superiors, Miss Manners, that she had spanked one particular boy, Thomas, until she could spank him no more for physical fatig
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Eng Jokes
