1.
A hunter had been out hunting bear all day, when he came across a fast flowing river.
The water was nice and cool, so he set his rifle down and began to splash water on his face to cool down from the many hours of hunting.
The hunter looked up just a monster Grizzly Bear was charging at him full speed roaring like a freight train.
Then about 20 yards out the hunter dropped to his knees and began to pray,
Dear Lord let this bear become a Christian!!
At that moment the Grizzly Bear stopped dead in his tracks, stood straight up on his hind legs, raised his paws to the heavens, and said Dear Lord thank you for this food I’m about to eat
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home
There was once a small town
A hunter had been out hunting bear all day, when he came across a fast flowing river.
The water was nice and cool, so he set his rifle down and began to splash water on his face to cool down from the many hours of hunting.
The hunter looked up just a monster Grizzly Bear was charging at him full speed roaring like a freight train.
Then about 20 yards out the hunter dropped to his knees and began to pray,
Dear Lord let this bear become a Christian!!
At that moment the Grizzly Bear stopped dead in his tracks, stood straight up on his hind legs, raised his paws to the heavens, and said Dear Lord thank you for this food I’m about to eat
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home
There was once a small town
2.
A philosophy professor stood before his class with some items on the table in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, about 2 inches in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was so the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly the pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full they agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar of course, the sand filled up the remaining open areas of the jar.
He then asked once more if the jar was full the students responded with a unanimous “Yes.”
“Now,” said the professor, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter – like your job, your house, your car.
The sand is everything else, the small stuff.”
“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks same goes for your life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children take your partner out dancing.
There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party, or fix the disposal.”
“Take care of the rocks first – the things that really matter set your priorities the rest is just sand.”
It was no ordinary watch
Hodja had a dream
A philosophy professor stood before his class with some items on the table in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, about 2 inches in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was so the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly the pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full they agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar of course, the sand filled up the remaining open areas of the jar.
He then asked once more if the jar was full the students responded with a unanimous “Yes.”
“Now,” said the professor, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter – like your job, your house, your car.
The sand is everything else, the small stuff.”
“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks same goes for your life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children take your partner out dancing.
There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party, or fix the disposal.”
“Take care of the rocks first – the things that really matter set your priorities the rest is just sand.”
It was no ordinary watch
Hodja had a dream
3.
One day a man with an elephant walks into a movie theater: “I’m afraid I can’t let your elephant in here, sir.” The manager says.
“Oh, I assure you, he’s very well behaved.” The man says.
“All right then.” The manager says.
“If you’re sure.”
After the movie, the manager says to the man.
“I’m very surprised! Your elephant was well behaved, and he even seemed to enjoy the movie!”
“Yes, I was surprised, too.” Says the man.
“He hated the book.”
A supervisor asks johnny during bible class
A Football team was on the field during practice
One day a man with an elephant walks into a movie theater: “I’m afraid I can’t let your elephant in here, sir.” The manager says.
“Oh, I assure you, he’s very well behaved.” The man says.
“All right then.” The manager says.
“If you’re sure.”
After the movie, the manager says to the man.
“I’m very surprised! Your elephant was well behaved, and he even seemed to enjoy the movie!”
“Yes, I was surprised, too.” Says the man.
“He hated the book.”
A supervisor asks johnny during bible class
A Football team was on the field during practice
4.
A wife was frying some eggs one morning when suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
He shouted, “Careful, Careful! Put some more butter in! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Tum them now! We need more butter.
They’re going to stick! Careful. I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking. Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget. Use the salt. THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him in amazement, “What is wrong with you? I know how to fry a couple of eggs.”
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
A man and his wife went to a doctor
A man returns home a day early
A wife was frying some eggs one morning when suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
He shouted, “Careful, Careful! Put some more butter in! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Tum them now! We need more butter.
They’re going to stick! Careful. I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking. Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget. Use the salt. THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him in amazement, “What is wrong with you? I know how to fry a couple of eggs.”
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
A man and his wife went to a doctor
A man returns home a day early
5.
An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
Man: “Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years.
All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old.”
Father: “When was the last time you made a confession?”
Man: “I never have, I am Jewish.”
Father: “Then why are telling me all this?”
Man: “I’m telling everybody!”
A woman starts dating a doctor
A very attractive nun
An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
Man: “Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years.
All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old.”
Father: “When was the last time you made a confession?”
Man: “I never have, I am Jewish.”
Father: “Then why are telling me all this?”
Man: “I’m telling everybody!”
A woman starts dating a doctor
A very attractive nun
6.
A couple were driving home late at night in the pouring rain when their car accidentally ran over a badger.
They got out of the car to see whether it was still alive, and found that although it was very cold, the animal was still breathing.
“What shall we do?” said the wife.
“I know,” said the husband.
“Put it between your legs to warm it up.”
“But it’s all wet and it stinks!”
“Well, cover the badger’s nose then!”
A young boy caught sight of his mother
A man was on a bus tour
A couple were driving home late at night in the pouring rain when their car accidentally ran over a badger.
They got out of the car to see whether it was still alive, and found that although it was very cold, the animal was still breathing.
“What shall we do?” said the wife.
“I know,” said the husband.
“Put it between your legs to warm it up.”
“But it’s all wet and it stinks!”
“Well, cover the badger’s nose then!”
A young boy caught sight of his mother
A man was on a bus tour
7.
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that “help” you get an self enjoyment.
You should of seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.
I’m still looking for a place to live.
A mother and father took their son
A boy comes back from school
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that “help” you get an self enjoyment.
You should of seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.
I’m still looking for a place to live.
A mother and father took their son
A boy comes back from school
8.
One of the priests said, “Sometimes it feels like such a burden to always be the one who listens to other people’s problems.
I can only talk about my sins with the bishop, and he just visits once a year…”
The others nodded in agreement
Suddenly, one of them said, “Wait a minute, we can forgive other people’s sins, why don’t we just confess to each other?”
The others were hesitant at this proposition, but eventually one of them said, “My brothers, I have a great sin to confess: I am an incurable gambler, and sometimes I steal money from the alms box…”
The others were taken aback by this, but forgave their fellow priest.
The next one said, “Brother, your sin is nothing compared to mine – I’m a lecherous womanizer!
There’s not a woman between 18 and 85 in my congregation that I haven’t been with!”
The others were surprised, but still forgave their fellow priest.
The third priest, who was 90 years old, was unwilling to confess his greatest sin.
After some coaxing, he finally said, “Okay then
My brothers, I am a notorious tattletale – I can never seem to keep my mouth shut…”
A beautiful parrot
A priest was being honoured
One of the priests said, “Sometimes it feels like such a burden to always be the one who listens to other people’s problems.
I can only talk about my sins with the bishop, and he just visits once a year…”
The others nodded in agreement
Suddenly, one of them said, “Wait a minute, we can forgive other people’s sins, why don’t we just confess to each other?”
The others were hesitant at this proposition, but eventually one of them said, “My brothers, I have a great sin to confess: I am an incurable gambler, and sometimes I steal money from the alms box…”
The others were taken aback by this, but forgave their fellow priest.
The next one said, “Brother, your sin is nothing compared to mine – I’m a lecherous womanizer!
There’s not a woman between 18 and 85 in my congregation that I haven’t been with!”
The others were surprised, but still forgave their fellow priest.
The third priest, who was 90 years old, was unwilling to confess his greatest sin.
After some coaxing, he finally said, “Okay then
My brothers, I am a notorious tattletale – I can never seem to keep my mouth shut…”
A beautiful parrot
A priest was being honoured
9.
An elderly patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release.
When asked what he would do if released, he replied,
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place.”
Obviously, his release was denied.
Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question.
His reply was the same.
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place”.
Again, he was turned down.
Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released.
The elderly patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him.
The elderly patient said, “You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions.”
So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready.
So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready.
He said, “I am going to get a job, find an apartment, and settle down.”
“Good,” they said, and then what?”
He said, “I want to meet a nice girl and start dating.”
They agreed he was making real progress and asked, “And then what”?
“One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her corset off and lie her down on the bed.”
“Yes? they said excitedly.
“Then I am going to gently remove her underwear,” he continued.
The board members were really getting excited now and asked,
“Then what are you going to do?”
He said, “I am going to take the elastic out of those underwear, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!!!
A lawyer and senior citizen are sitting a train
Johnny decided to ask his dad
An elderly patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release.
When asked what he would do if released, he replied,
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place.”
Obviously, his release was denied.
Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question.
His reply was the same.
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place”.
Again, he was turned down.
Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released.
The elderly patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him.
The elderly patient said, “You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions.”
So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready.
So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready.
He said, “I am going to get a job, find an apartment, and settle down.”
“Good,” they said, and then what?”
He said, “I want to meet a nice girl and start dating.”
They agreed he was making real progress and asked, “And then what”?
“One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her corset off and lie her down on the bed.”
“Yes? they said excitedly.
“Then I am going to gently remove her underwear,” he continued.
The board members were really getting excited now and asked,
“Then what are you going to do?”
He said, “I am going to take the elastic out of those underwear, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!!!
A lawyer and senior citizen are sitting a train
Johnny decided to ask his dad
10.
A couple had been married for 40 years and he managed all of the money.
He told his wife that he did not ever want her to look inside the safe.
One day, when he was away her curiosity got the best of her and she looked into the safe and found $10,000 and three eggs.
When her husband returned home, she told him what she had done.
He said, “I told you never to look inside the safe!”
She answered, “Too bad, I did. But I don’t understand what the 3 eggs are doing in the safe.”
The husband said, “Well, to be perfectly honest, I put an egg in the safe every time I have an affair with another woman.”
The wife said, “I am not pleased about that but, then again, I suppose 3 times in 40 years is not all that bad.”
The man answered, “I should also tell you that when I get a dozen eggs, I sell them. That is where the money comes from.”
A Italian couple is their honeymoon
A Husband And Wife Went To Have Dinner
A couple had been married for 40 years and he managed all of the money.
He told his wife that he did not ever want her to look inside the safe.
One day, when he was away her curiosity got the best of her and she looked into the safe and found $10,000 and three eggs.
When her husband returned home, she told him what she had done.
He said, “I told you never to look inside the safe!”
She answered, “Too bad, I did. But I don’t understand what the 3 eggs are doing in the safe.”
The husband said, “Well, to be perfectly honest, I put an egg in the safe every time I have an affair with another woman.”
The wife said, “I am not pleased about that but, then again, I suppose 3 times in 40 years is not all that bad.”
The man answered, “I should also tell you that when I get a dozen eggs, I sell them. That is where the money comes from.”
A Italian couple is their honeymoon
A Husband And Wife Went To Have Dinner
11.
A husband got a message from his neighbour one day.
It read “Hey im sorry i had to tell you like this but i have been doing your wife for months now”
The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife.
He hide the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying “Sorry meant using your wifi”
Three construction workers where sitting on the bridge
One smart father goes to his son
A husband got a message from his neighbour one day.
It read “Hey im sorry i had to tell you like this but i have been doing your wife for months now”
The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife.
He hide the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying “Sorry meant using your wifi”
Three construction workers where sitting on the bridge
One smart father goes to his son
12.
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be THE Man Of Your House.”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of make love that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied, “The damn funeral director would be my first guess.”
A little girl asked her Mom
A guy goes over to his friend house
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be THE Man Of Your House.”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of make love that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied, “The damn funeral director would be my first guess.”
A little girl asked her Mom
A guy goes over to his friend house
13.
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister,
“When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word “comfortable”.
The telegraph operator shakes his head.
“How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, “comfortable?”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it slow.”
A man comes to his doctor and tells
A old man is in the surgery
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister,
“When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word “comfortable”.
The telegraph operator shakes his head.
“How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, “comfortable?”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it slow.”
A man comes to his doctor and tells
A old man is in the surgery
14.
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch.
They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn’t a chicken sandwich.
He said, “Hey, how come you’re not eating chicken, don’t you like it anymore?”
She said “I love it but I have to stop eating it.”
“Why?” he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said, “Cause I’m starting to grow little feathers down there!”
“Let me see” he said.
“Okay!” and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, “That’s right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.”
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl, “I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I’m starting to get feathers down there too!”
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.
She said Oh, my God, it’s too late for you!
You’ve already got the neck and the gizzards!!
Two little old ladies Connie and Jean
A 50 year old lady started learning how to swim
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch.
They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn’t a chicken sandwich.
He said, “Hey, how come you’re not eating chicken, don’t you like it anymore?”
She said “I love it but I have to stop eating it.”
“Why?” he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said, “Cause I’m starting to grow little feathers down there!”
“Let me see” he said.
“Okay!” and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, “That’s right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.”
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl, “I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I’m starting to get feathers down there too!”
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.
She said Oh, my God, it’s too late for you!
You’ve already got the neck and the gizzards!!
Two little old ladies Connie and Jean
A 50 year old lady started learning how to swim
15.
Sandra and her husband Jim are expecting a baby in 2 months.
One day Jim comes home from work and asks Sandra, “Why haven’t we had make love in so long?”
“You know I’m worried it will hurt the baby,” Sandra told him.
“I’ll be really gentle. I promise,” Jim tells her.
Sandra protests but Jim manages to finally convince her that he won’t hurt the baby so they have making love.
Two months later Sandra gives birth to a baby boy.
When the baby was born he looked at the doctor and says, “Are you my father?”
The doctor shakes his head.
Then to Sandra, “Are you my father?”
“No, I’m your mother,” she tells him.
Finally the baby sees Jim and says, “Are you my father?”
Jim nods.
The baby starts hitting him on the head and says, “How does this feel?”
A wife comes home
Sandra and her husband Jim are expecting a baby in 2 months.
One day Jim comes home from work and asks Sandra, “Why haven’t we had make love in so long?”
“You know I’m worried it will hurt the baby,” Sandra told him.
“I’ll be really gentle. I promise,” Jim tells her.
Sandra protests but Jim manages to finally convince her that he won’t hurt the baby so they have making love.
Two months later Sandra gives birth to a baby boy.
When the baby was born he looked at the doctor and says, “Are you my father?”
The doctor shakes his head.
Then to Sandra, “Are you my father?”
“No, I’m your mother,” she tells him.
Finally the baby sees Jim and says, “Are you my father?”
Jim nods.
The baby starts hitting him on the head and says, “How does this feel?”
A wife comes home
16.
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator.
It’s about 10 feet long.
The bartender flips out and says, “Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here.
It’s going to bite one of my customers and I’m going to get sued.”
The guy says, “No no no, it’s a tame alligator.
I’ll prove it to you.”
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar.
Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator’s mouth.
The alligator just keeps his mouth open.
After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator’s mouth and zips up his pants and says, “See, I told you it was a tame alligator.
Anybody else want to try it?”
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, “Yah, I’d like to try it but I don’t think I can hold my mouth open that long.
There are 3 girls on a island
Two hot young ladies are talking
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator.
It’s about 10 feet long.
The bartender flips out and says, “Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here.
It’s going to bite one of my customers and I’m going to get sued.”
The guy says, “No no no, it’s a tame alligator.
I’ll prove it to you.”
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar.
Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator’s mouth.
The alligator just keeps his mouth open.
After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator’s mouth and zips up his pants and says, “See, I told you it was a tame alligator.
Anybody else want to try it?”
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, “Yah, I’d like to try it but I don’t think I can hold my mouth open that long.
There are 3 girls on a island
Two hot young ladies are talking
17.
A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor.
As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.
They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.
The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.”
The husband says he can’t feel anything.
Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much.
The husband says he sill can’t feel anything.
The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%.
The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.
The baby is born.
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables
Two lawyers arrive at the pub
A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor.
As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.
They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.
The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.”
The husband says he can’t feel anything.
Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much.
The husband says he sill can’t feel anything.
The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%.
The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.
The baby is born.
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables
Two lawyers arrive at the pub
18.
An blonde girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
“How many children?” asks the council worker.
“10” replies the blonde girl.
“10???” says the council worker.. “What are their names?”
“Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne”
“Doesn’t that get confusing?”
“Naah…” says the blonde girl “its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER’S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it…”
“What if you want to speak to one individually?” says the perturbed council worker.
“That’s easy,” says the girl… “I just use their surnames”
A elderly woman went into the doctor
The doctor came out and said
An blonde girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
“How many children?” asks the council worker.
“10” replies the blonde girl.
“10???” says the council worker.. “What are their names?”
“Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne”
“Doesn’t that get confusing?”
“Naah…” says the blonde girl “its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER’S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it…”
“What if you want to speak to one individually?” says the perturbed council worker.
“That’s easy,” says the girl… “I just use their surnames”
A elderly woman went into the doctor
The doctor came out and said
19.
A cowboy rode into a windy, dusty, tumble weed strewn Nevada town, reined up outside the saloon, went in and ordered a double bourbon.
The saloon was full of locals but what this cowboy did not know was that this town was a haven for thieves and rouges.
Having finished his drink he exited only to find that his horse had been stolen.
He returned inside to the bar and ordered another double bourbon.
With the speed of greased lightning he drew his gun and sent it spinning into the air above his head, caught it effortlessly without looking up and fired a single shot into the ceiling.
The saloon fell deathly silent.
He announce to all and sundry that if his horse was not returned in the next three minutes then he would have to do what he had done down there in Texas.
He added, “I really do not want to do what I had had to do down there in Texas, no sir, I do not want to have to do that, no sir, I do not!”
He finished his drink; checked his gun; then his time piece.
The three minutes were up.
He exited again and there was his horse back where he had left it.
He mounted up, turned and started to move off when the bartender came running up to him and asked, “Hey partner tell me, tell me, what was it that you had to do down there in Texas? What was it that you didn’t want to have to do here? What was it? Tell me please.”
The cowboy stared at him with a long withering look and then said- “I had to walk home!”
A Salt Lake pheasant hunter
How Men Came To Wear Earrings
A cowboy rode into a windy, dusty, tumble weed strewn Nevada town, reined up outside the saloon, went in and ordered a double bourbon.
The saloon was full of locals but what this cowboy did not know was that this town was a haven for thieves and rouges.
Having finished his drink he exited only to find that his horse had been stolen.
He returned inside to the bar and ordered another double bourbon.
With the speed of greased lightning he drew his gun and sent it spinning into the air above his head, caught it effortlessly without looking up and fired a single shot into the ceiling.
The saloon fell deathly silent.
He announce to all and sundry that if his horse was not returned in the next three minutes then he would have to do what he had done down there in Texas.
He added, “I really do not want to do what I had had to do down there in Texas, no sir, I do not want to have to do that, no sir, I do not!”
He finished his drink; checked his gun; then his time piece.
The three minutes were up.
He exited again and there was his horse back where he had left it.
He mounted up, turned and started to move off when the bartender came running up to him and asked, “Hey partner tell me, tell me, what was it that you had to do down there in Texas? What was it that you didn’t want to have to do here? What was it? Tell me please.”
The cowboy stared at him with a long withering look and then said- “I had to walk home!”
A Salt Lake pheasant hunter
How Men Came To Wear Earrings
20.
A pig walks into a bar and orders ten beers.
As soon as the pig is finished drinking the beers, he pays the bartender and starts to leave the bar.
“Wait!” says the bartender.
“You drank so much beer. Wouldn’t it be wise to use the bathroom before leaving?”
“Not for me,” says the pig.
“I’m the type of pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home.”
Two 90 year old men Mike and Joe
A guy sits down in a movie theater
A pig walks into a bar and orders ten beers.
As soon as the pig is finished drinking the beers, he pays the bartender and starts to leave the bar.
“Wait!” says the bartender.
“You drank so much beer. Wouldn’t it be wise to use the bathroom before leaving?”
“Not for me,” says the pig.
“I’m the type of pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home.”
Two 90 year old men Mike and Joe
A guy sits down in a movie theater
21.
An old man finds a rubber pack in his grandson’s apartment and asks what it is.
“It’s a rubber pack,” replies the grandson, sheepishly.
“What do you use it for?” asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, “I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain.”
Grandpa says, “That’s a great idea.”
He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a rubber pack.
“What size would you like?” asks the pharmacist.
“Big enough to fit a Camel.”
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon
Harry and his wife are driving
An old man finds a rubber pack in his grandson’s apartment and asks what it is.
“It’s a rubber pack,” replies the grandson, sheepishly.
“What do you use it for?” asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, “I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain.”
Grandpa says, “That’s a great idea.”
He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a rubber pack.
“What size would you like?” asks the pharmacist.
“Big enough to fit a Camel.”
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon
Harry and his wife are driving
22.
Two older women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.
“I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous,” the first one said.
“Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing,” the other woman commented.
“But I broke him of that habit real quick.”
“What did you do?”
“I hid his teeth.”
The young couple admired the scarecrow
A woman with a minor injury
Two older women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.
“I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous,” the first one said.
“Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing,” the other woman commented.
“But I broke him of that habit real quick.”
“What did you do?”
“I hid his teeth.”
The young couple admired the scarecrow
A woman with a minor injury
23.
A couple who’d been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, “Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?”
He moved over and sat close to her.
“Dear,” she continued, “do you remember how you used to hold me tight?”
He reached over and held her tight.
“And,” she went on, “do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?”
With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“Well,” answered the husband, “I have to get my teeth.”
A man observed a woman in the grocery store
A man went to the doctor complaining
A couple who’d been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, “Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?”
He moved over and sat close to her.
“Dear,” she continued, “do you remember how you used to hold me tight?”
He reached over and held her tight.
“And,” she went on, “do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?”
With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“Well,” answered the husband, “I have to get my teeth.”
A man observed a woman in the grocery store
A man went to the doctor complaining
24.
A 17 year old guy walks into a drug store.
He says “I’ve been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend’s house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean.”
Clerk: “How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here’s a pack.”
The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: “you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I’ll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky.”
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn’t say a word.
After a while his girlfriend says: “if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn’t have invited you.”
The young man replies “if you had told me your dad works at the drug store, I wouldn’t have come.”
A couple were Christmas shopping
Wife sent text to husband
A 17 year old guy walks into a drug store.
He says “I’ve been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend’s house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean.”
Clerk: “How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here’s a pack.”
The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: “you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I’ll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky.”
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn’t say a word.
After a while his girlfriend says: “if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn’t have invited you.”
The young man replies “if you had told me your dad works at the drug store, I wouldn’t have come.”
A couple were Christmas shopping
Wife sent text to husband
25.
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Shirley says, “Sophie, you know I’m shy. Why don’t you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.”
Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, “Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.”
“Of course I’m lonely,” he says.
“I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.”
“You’re kidding! What for?”
“For killing my third wife. I strangled her.”
“What happened to your second wife?”
“I shot her.”
“And, if I may ask, your first wife?”
“We had a fight and she fell off a building.”
“Oh my,” says Sophie.
Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, “Yoo-hoo, Shirley. He’s single.”
A young farm girl answers the door
A blonde went to her doctor
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Shirley says, “Sophie, you know I’m shy. Why don’t you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.”
Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, “Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.”
“Of course I’m lonely,” he says.
“I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.”
“You’re kidding! What for?”
“For killing my third wife. I strangled her.”
“What happened to your second wife?”
“I shot her.”
“And, if I may ask, your first wife?”
“We had a fight and she fell off a building.”
“Oh my,” says Sophie.
Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, “Yoo-hoo, Shirley. He’s single.”
A young farm girl answers the door
A blonde went to her doctor
26.
A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together.
After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.
The judge asked the husband,
“What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”
The husband said, “In the six weeks we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on one thing.”
The wife said, “Seven weeks.
A little boy said Grandpa
A young couple got married
A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together.
After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.
The judge asked the husband,
“What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”
The husband said, “In the six weeks we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on one thing.”
The wife said, “Seven weeks.
A little boy said Grandpa
A young couple got married
27.
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.
Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, “You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what?” “What dear?” she asks gently.
“I think you’re bringing me bad luck.”
A German guy lets his wife travel to Paris alone
A broke and depressed guy is looking for a job
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.
Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, “You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what?” “What dear?” she asks gently.
“I think you’re bringing me bad luck.”
A German guy lets his wife travel to Paris alone
A broke and depressed guy is looking for a job
28.
Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.
Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said,
“We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.”
The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute.
Insurance doesn’t work quite like that
An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we’ll provide you with a new barn of similar worth.”
There was a long pause, and then Susan replied,
“If that’s how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.”
A man was telling his co-worker
Are you still going to that memory clinic
Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.
Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said,
“We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.”
The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute.
Insurance doesn’t work quite like that
An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we’ll provide you with a new barn of similar worth.”
There was a long pause, and then Susan replied,
“If that’s how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.”
A man was telling his co-worker
Are you still going to that memory clinic
29.
Little Johnny is walking around and peaks in his parents room, catching them having lovemaking so he asks,
“What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! we’re just uh, making cake” and they send him away.
So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brothers room so he walks in and catches his brother and his brothers girlfriend having lovemaking and then asks him “What are you guys doing?”
And his brother yells “Get out! were making cake!”
So Johnny leaves and goes to his room.
The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says,
“So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night huh!”
And she replies “OMG! Hows you know!?!?” and
Johnny replies, “Because, I licked the icing off the couch” ayyyyyy.
Elder brother and his girlfriend
Superman and flash were in the living room
Little Johnny is walking around and peaks in his parents room, catching them having lovemaking so he asks,
“What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! we’re just uh, making cake” and they send him away.
So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brothers room so he walks in and catches his brother and his brothers girlfriend having lovemaking and then asks him “What are you guys doing?”
And his brother yells “Get out! were making cake!”
So Johnny leaves and goes to his room.
The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says,
“So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night huh!”
And she replies “OMG! Hows you know!?!?” and
Johnny replies, “Because, I licked the icing off the couch” ayyyyyy.
Elder brother and his girlfriend
Superman and flash were in the living room
30.
A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
“God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.”
The father asked, ‘Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?’
The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”
The next day Grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
“God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma..”
The next day the grandmother died.
“Holy crap” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,
“God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.”
He practically went into shock.
He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said,
“I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?”
He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me.
This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!”
Grandpa was telling his grandson
Johnny was told by his friends
A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
“God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.”
The father asked, ‘Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?’
The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”
The next day Grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
“God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma..”
The next day the grandmother died.
“Holy crap” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,
“God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.”
He practically went into shock.
He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said,
“I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?”
He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me.
This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!”
Grandpa was telling his grandson
Johnny was told by his friends
Tags:
Eng Jokes
