1.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered the grave news:“There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt.Prepare yourself to be a widowYour husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”Visibly shak
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered the grave news:“There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt.Prepare yourself to be a widowYour husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”Visibly shak
2.
Dear Mother and Dad:
Since I left for college I have been remiss in writing and I am sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further un
Dear Mother and Dad:
Since I left for college I have been remiss in writing and I am sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further un
3.
One day a beggar knocked at the door of a house, and when a woman opened the door, asked her for alms.“I've nothing to give you,” said the woman“Please go!”The woman, who was newly married, lived with her mother-in-lawWhen her mother-in-law heard her refu
One day a beggar knocked at the door of a house, and when a woman opened the door, asked her for alms.“I've nothing to give you,” said the woman“Please go!”The woman, who was newly married, lived with her mother-in-lawWhen her mother-in-law heard her refu
4.
I decided it was best to explain it at a level she would understand so I said, “You just had breakfast?”“Yes.” she replied.“Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummyOur body takes all the good stuff it needs from out of the food then what's l
I decided it was best to explain it at a level she would understand so I said, “You just had breakfast?”“Yes.” she replied.“Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummyOur body takes all the good stuff it needs from out of the food then what's l
5.
…and sees two priests walking across the street.He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them.He turns to the first priest and proudly says, “I'm Jesus Christ!”The first priest shakes his head and replies, “No, son, you're not.”He then tu
…and sees two priests walking across the street.He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them.He turns to the first priest and proudly says, “I'm Jesus Christ!”The first priest shakes his head and replies, “No, son, you're not.”He then tu
6.
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigateHe then dug a hole and burie
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigateHe then dug a hole and burie
7.
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students…“Students, If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroomMichael?”Michael: “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”T
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students…“Students, If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroomMichael?”Michael: “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”T
8.
A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar getting soused.A man comes in and asks the farmer,“Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.Man: So what happened that is so horrible?Farmer:
A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar getting soused.A man comes in and asks the farmer,“Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.Man: So what happened that is so horrible?Farmer:
9.
A man who drank alot was told by his wife “If you ever come home drunk again, I’m going to leave you”.
Regardless, that night he went out to a pub and drank a lot and was sick all over his shirt.
He told his friend, “If I go home like this my wife w
A man who drank alot was told by his wife “If you ever come home drunk again, I’m going to leave you”.
Regardless, that night he went out to a pub and drank a lot and was sick all over his shirt.
He told his friend, “If I go home like this my wife w
10.
There were five people aboard an airplane having engine trouble getting ready to crash, however, there were only four parachutes.Everyone wondered what should be done to determine who should get the parachutes.One person said that he was the smartest thin
There were five people aboard an airplane having engine trouble getting ready to crash, however, there were only four parachutes.Everyone wondered what should be done to determine who should get the parachutes.One person said that he was the smartest thin
11.
There was once a great actor, who had a problem.
He could no longer remember his lines.
Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says,”This is the most important part, a
There was once a great actor, who had a problem.
He could no longer remember his lines.
Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says,”This is the most important part, a
12.
When Big Peter McFlannel dies in Glasgow,his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once,so she goes to the newspaper and says;“I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband”The man at the desk says “OK, how much money dae ye have?”The old woman
When Big Peter McFlannel dies in Glasgow,his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once,so she goes to the newspaper and says;“I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband”The man at the desk says “OK, how much money dae ye have?”The old woman
13.
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.He opened his newspaper and began re
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.He opened his newspaper and began re
14.
After swearing loyalty to the Captain and crew, and receiving his daily list of duties, the new recruit is brought up onto the poop deck to briefly meet the Captain.The Captain, a rugged-looking pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch,
After swearing loyalty to the Captain and crew, and receiving his daily list of duties, the new recruit is brought up onto the poop deck to briefly meet the Captain.The Captain, a rugged-looking pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch,
15.
A dude-up city biker walks into a seedy tavern in the outback of Western Australia.He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chilli.After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it
A dude-up city biker walks into a seedy tavern in the outback of Western Australia.He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chilli.After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it
16.
A married couple got into an accident and the husband's face was badly burnedThe doctor told him that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinnySo the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.However, the only skin on her body
A married couple got into an accident and the husband's face was badly burnedThe doctor told him that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinnySo the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.However, the only skin on her body
17.
Guy decides to surprise his wife by coming home from his vacation a day early.
He’s happy to see that she’s still up, as the lights are on in the bedroom, so he grabs the flowers and the chocolate, quietly let’s himself through the front door, goes up
Guy decides to surprise his wife by coming home from his vacation a day early.
He’s happy to see that she’s still up, as the lights are on in the bedroom, so he grabs the flowers and the chocolate, quietly let’s himself through the front door, goes up
18.
The Catholic priest in a small town had become very perturbed, and he decided to lay it on the line to the congregation.“Brothers, sisters,” he said solemnly, “it has come to my attention that there are tales to the effect that immorality is rampant in ou
The Catholic priest in a small town had become very perturbed, and he decided to lay it on the line to the congregation.“Brothers, sisters,” he said solemnly, “it has come to my attention that there are tales to the effect that immorality is rampant in ou
19.
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him.“WelcomeYou are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully.”Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, “Who really shot Kennedy?”God replies, “Lee Harvey Oswald
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him.“WelcomeYou are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully.”Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, “Who really shot Kennedy?”God replies, “Lee Harvey Oswald
20.
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.He asks the lady, “Do you have a Va*ina?”She slams the door in disgust.The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.He asks the lady, “Do you have a Va*ina?”She slams the door in disgust.The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same
21.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.When the time of the practical exam
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.When the time of the practical exam
22.
A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.“Help! Is there anybody up there” he shouted.A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:“I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me.”“
A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.“Help! Is there anybody up there” he shouted.A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:“I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me.”“
23.
Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip when they came upon this great trout brook.
They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.
At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they
Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip when they came upon this great trout brook.
They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.
At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they
24.
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.
Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
“Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven.
“But
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.
Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
“Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven.
“But
25.
The first one married a woman from Minneapolis, and said to her:“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean and tidy.”He didn't see any changes on the first day, but on the second day the house was clean and tidy.The second brother married a
The first one married a woman from Minneapolis, and said to her:“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean and tidy.”He didn't see any changes on the first day, but on the second day the house was clean and tidy.The second brother married a
26.
… and he was eager to show it off to all his colleagues.He parked by the side of the road and opened the driver's side door, when all of a sudden an eighteen-wheeler truck came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with it.“NOOO! My Jaguar, m
… and he was eager to show it off to all his colleagues.He parked by the side of the road and opened the driver's side door, when all of a sudden an eighteen-wheeler truck came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with it.“NOOO! My Jaguar, m
27.
Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.“I want a baby more than anything in the world,” said the first, “But I guess it is impossible.”“I used to feel just the same way,” said the second“But then eve
Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.“I want a baby more than anything in the world,” said the first, “But I guess it is impossible.”“I used to feel just the same way,” said the second“But then eve
28.
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”“The pilot was bothered by a noise he hear
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”“The pilot was bothered by a noise he hear
29.
A fox sneaked into a farm and grabbed a prize rooster.The farmer saw him and raised the alarm and he and his dogs started chasing the thief.The fox, though he was holding the rooster in his mouth, was running very fast.“Get him! Get him!” shouted “No!” s
A fox sneaked into a farm and grabbed a prize rooster.The farmer saw him and raised the alarm and he and his dogs started chasing the thief.The fox, though he was holding the rooster in his mouth, was running very fast.“Get him! Get him!” shouted “No!” s
30.
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighbou
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighbou
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Eng Jokes
