1.
"I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?"
"I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?"
2.
"The first five days after the weekend are the hardest."
"The first five days after the weekend are the hardest."
3.
"Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you."
"Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you."
4.
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
5.
"I’m not clumsy; the floor hates me, and the walls are bullies."
"I’m not clumsy; the floor hates me, and the walls are bullies."
6.
"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
7.
"Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do."
"Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do."
8.
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure."
9.
"I’m not lazy; I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"I’m not lazy; I’m just on energy-saving mode."
10.
"I accidentally took the wrong medication today, and now I’m speaking fluent sarcasm."
"I accidentally took the wrong medication today, and now I’m speaking fluent sarcasm."
11.
"I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case there’s cheesecake."
"I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case there’s cheesecake."
12.
"Some people graduate with honors, I am just honored to graduate."
"Some people graduate with honors, I am just honored to graduate."
13.
"I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."
"I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."
14.
"Why did the computer go to the doctor? It caught a virus."
"Why did the computer go to the doctor? It caught a virus."
15.
"I don’t have a bad handwriting problem; I have a font nobody else can read."
"I don’t have a bad handwriting problem; I have a font nobody else can read."
16.
"I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life."
"I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life."
17.
"Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you’re forgetting."
"Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you’re forgetting."
18.
"I thought about losing weight, but I don’t like losing."
"I thought about losing weight, but I don’t like losing."
19.
"Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring, so I go back to being me."
"Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring, so I go back to being me."
20.
"Don’t give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping."
"Don’t give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping."
21.
"Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing."
"Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing."
22.
"I’m not lazy; I’m just very energy efficient."
"I’m not lazy; I’m just very energy efficient."
23.
"My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do."
"My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do."
24.
"I love my job only when I’m on vacation."
"I love my job only when I’m on vacation."
25.
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it."
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it."
26.
"I’ve learned so much from my mistakes, I’m thinking of making more."
"I’ve learned so much from my mistakes, I’m thinking of making more."
27.
"I’m not procrastinating. I’m proactively delaying the inevitable."
"I’m not procrastinating. I’m proactively delaying the inevitable."
28.
"I’d quit coffee, but I’m not a quitter."
"I’d quit coffee, but I’m not a quitter."
29.
"My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called lunch."
"My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called lunch."
30.
"I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."
"I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."
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