1.
Lisa, a 16 year old girl, nervously brought her most recent boyfriend home with her to meet her parents.
Although Lisa was very fond of him she was nervous about what sort of impression he’d make on her parents.
After all, he was full of tattoos and rings all over his body.
“Mom,” said Lisa nervously, “I would like you to meet Spike, my boyfriend, Spike this is my Mom.”
After a few minutes of small talk and pleasantries, Lisa’s Mom called her over and whispered “Lisa, I don’t like him, he just doesn’t seem very nice!”
“Mom please!” retorted Lisa, “if he’s not a nice guy how can you explain the forty hours of community service he does a week?!
An old man went to the doctor
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner
Lisa, a 16 year old girl, nervously brought her most recent boyfriend home with her to meet her parents.
Although Lisa was very fond of him she was nervous about what sort of impression he’d make on her parents.
After all, he was full of tattoos and rings all over his body.
“Mom,” said Lisa nervously, “I would like you to meet Spike, my boyfriend, Spike this is my Mom.”
After a few minutes of small talk and pleasantries, Lisa’s Mom called her over and whispered “Lisa, I don’t like him, he just doesn’t seem very nice!”
“Mom please!” retorted Lisa, “if he’s not a nice guy how can you explain the forty hours of community service he does a week?!
An old man went to the doctor
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner
2.
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV.
The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks,
“What are you staring at?”
“A spider,” he replies.
“I don’t see anything,” she says.
“Oh, it must have fallen on your head,” he said calmly.
The wife jumps up screaming…
The man says, “While you’re up, can you get me another beer?”
A old man is 85 and take his wife
A angry wife was complaining about her husband
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV.
The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks,
“What are you staring at?”
“A spider,” he replies.
“I don’t see anything,” she says.
“Oh, it must have fallen on your head,” he said calmly.
The wife jumps up screaming…
The man says, “While you’re up, can you get me another beer?”
A old man is 85 and take his wife
A angry wife was complaining about her husband
3.
An elderly man went to a doctor with multiple complaints.
“I see spots before my eyes,” he said.
“It’s due to old age,” said the doctor.
“No food agrees with me,” said the man.
“That too is due to old age,” said the doctor.
“The digestive system becomes weaker as we grow older.”
“My back is giving me trouble,” persisted the man.
“Sometimes the pain becomes unbearable.”
“Old age,” said the doctor.
This was too much for the man.
“Why do you go on saying ‘old age, old age’,” he screamed.
“If you cannot cure me, say so. I’ll go elsewhere.”
“See how easily you lost your temper,” said the doctor.
“That is another characteristic of old age.”
At last, the old man slaps him, and the doctor asks,
“Why did you slap me?”
Old man said “This is also due to old age, you see”
A man was leaving a convenience store
A Amish boy and his father were in a mall
An elderly man went to a doctor with multiple complaints.
“I see spots before my eyes,” he said.
“It’s due to old age,” said the doctor.
“No food agrees with me,” said the man.
“That too is due to old age,” said the doctor.
“The digestive system becomes weaker as we grow older.”
“My back is giving me trouble,” persisted the man.
“Sometimes the pain becomes unbearable.”
“Old age,” said the doctor.
This was too much for the man.
“Why do you go on saying ‘old age, old age’,” he screamed.
“If you cannot cure me, say so. I’ll go elsewhere.”
“See how easily you lost your temper,” said the doctor.
“That is another characteristic of old age.”
At last, the old man slaps him, and the doctor asks,
“Why did you slap me?”
Old man said “This is also due to old age, you see”
A man was leaving a convenience store
A Amish boy and his father were in a mall
4.
Three men are playing golf at a Country Club: Obi Wan Ken-obi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap.
He mind controls his candy to mark it a h*le-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the h*le.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!”
A man died and went to straight
A father buys a lie detector robot
Three men are playing golf at a Country Club: Obi Wan Ken-obi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap.
He mind controls his candy to mark it a h*le-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the h*le.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!”
A man died and went to straight
A father buys a lie detector robot
5.
A couple had just gotten married and where alone together on their first night.
This was to be the first time they had made love and it was while her new husband was getting undressed that she noticed a few things about him.
As her husband took off his trousers, the wife noticed that his knees were all mangled and scared.
She asked him what at happened and the husband explained “as a child I had kneasels”
“Kneesels?” she asked, “what on earth is that?”
He replied, “Kneaseles are like measeles except they only affect the knees”.
He continued to undress and as he pulled off his socks his wife looked at his toes and found that they two were all mangled and scared.
She asked about this and he replied, “oh as a child I had tolio”.
“Tolio?” she asked, “what on earth is that”
He explained, “Tolio is like polio except it only affects the toes”.
As he began to remove his boxer shorts she shouted, “Don’t tell me, let me guess small cox”.
A Blonde bought a brand new Car
A little boy first day in school
A couple had just gotten married and where alone together on their first night.
This was to be the first time they had made love and it was while her new husband was getting undressed that she noticed a few things about him.
As her husband took off his trousers, the wife noticed that his knees were all mangled and scared.
She asked him what at happened and the husband explained “as a child I had kneasels”
“Kneesels?” she asked, “what on earth is that?”
He replied, “Kneaseles are like measeles except they only affect the knees”.
He continued to undress and as he pulled off his socks his wife looked at his toes and found that they two were all mangled and scared.
She asked about this and he replied, “oh as a child I had tolio”.
“Tolio?” she asked, “what on earth is that”
He explained, “Tolio is like polio except it only affects the toes”.
As he began to remove his boxer shorts she shouted, “Don’t tell me, let me guess small cox”.
A Blonde bought a brand new Car
A little boy first day in school
6.
Wife: I heard you have a new secretary today?
Husband: yes.
Wife: Is she smart?
Husband: yes.
Wife: Is she pretty?
Husband: yes.
Wife: How did she dress today?
Husband:Very quickly.
Grandpa and Johnny are sitting on a bench
A couple moves into a new neighborhood
Wife: I heard you have a new secretary today?
Husband: yes.
Wife: Is she smart?
Husband: yes.
Wife: Is she pretty?
Husband: yes.
Wife: How did she dress today?
Husband:Very quickly.
Grandpa and Johnny are sitting on a bench
A couple moves into a new neighborhood
7.
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer Peter replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Alberta we settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up you can have the duck.”
She was a friendly-looking young woman
Akbar & Birbal
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer Peter replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Alberta we settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up you can have the duck.”
She was a friendly-looking young woman
Akbar & Birbal
8.
A man went to God and asked, “What’s the value of life?”
God gave him a stone and told him to figure out its value without selling it.
The man then took the stone to an orange seller and asked about its value.
The orange seller offered 12 oranges for it.
The man refused and told the seller that God asked him not to sell it.
He went to the vegetable seller and also asked him what is the value of that stone.
The vegetable seller offered a sack of potatoes which the man refused too.
Then he proceeded to the jewelry shop and again asked about the value of the stone.
He was offered $100,000 which he refused too.
But the jeweler offered $150,000 again, however the man explained that he should not sell the stone.
In the end, he went to a precious stone shop and again asked about the value of this shiny stone.
The seller saw the ruby, laid it down a red cloth and he put it on it.
He asked the man where he got the stone and told him that he could never be able to purchase it even if he sold the whole world and his own life.
The man was stunned and went back to God and explained to him what happened.
Then he asked God one more time: “What is the value of life?”
To which God replied: “The answers you got from the Orange Seller, the Vegetable Seller, the Jeweler and the Precious Stone’s Seller explain the value of our life…
You may be a precious stone, even priceless, but people may value you based on their level of information, their belief in you, their motive behind entertaining you, their ambition, and their risk taking ability.
But don’t fear, you will surely find someone who will discern your true value.”
In the eyes of God everyone is unique and precious.
You should respect yourself and know that nobody can replace you.
He turns on his flashlight and proceeds
The doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern
A man went to God and asked, “What’s the value of life?”
God gave him a stone and told him to figure out its value without selling it.
The man then took the stone to an orange seller and asked about its value.
The orange seller offered 12 oranges for it.
The man refused and told the seller that God asked him not to sell it.
He went to the vegetable seller and also asked him what is the value of that stone.
The vegetable seller offered a sack of potatoes which the man refused too.
Then he proceeded to the jewelry shop and again asked about the value of the stone.
He was offered $100,000 which he refused too.
But the jeweler offered $150,000 again, however the man explained that he should not sell the stone.
In the end, he went to a precious stone shop and again asked about the value of this shiny stone.
The seller saw the ruby, laid it down a red cloth and he put it on it.
He asked the man where he got the stone and told him that he could never be able to purchase it even if he sold the whole world and his own life.
The man was stunned and went back to God and explained to him what happened.
Then he asked God one more time: “What is the value of life?”
To which God replied: “The answers you got from the Orange Seller, the Vegetable Seller, the Jeweler and the Precious Stone’s Seller explain the value of our life…
You may be a precious stone, even priceless, but people may value you based on their level of information, their belief in you, their motive behind entertaining you, their ambition, and their risk taking ability.
But don’t fear, you will surely find someone who will discern your true value.”
In the eyes of God everyone is unique and precious.
You should respect yourself and know that nobody can replace you.
He turns on his flashlight and proceeds
The doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern
9.
A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit,
She instructed her son Little Johnny to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.
After Little Johnny had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy’s phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
Women!! ?????
Hearing this Mom got angry.
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.
People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was.
The woman asked Little Johnny to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.
Little Johnny said: “The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. Please Try Again Later…”
A man joined a big Multi National Company
There was this professional assassin that charged
A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit,
She instructed her son Little Johnny to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.
After Little Johnny had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy’s phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
Women!! ?????
Hearing this Mom got angry.
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.
People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was.
The woman asked Little Johnny to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.
Little Johnny said: “The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. Please Try Again Later…”
A man joined a big Multi National Company
There was this professional assassin that charged
10.
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.
His parents look at the truck and ask, “Where did you get that truck?!”
“I bought it today,” he says.
“With what money?” says his mother.
They knew what a new F150 cost.
“Well,” he says, “this one cost me just fifteen dollars.”
The father looks at him like he’s crazy.
“Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?” he says.
“It was the lady up the street,” says the boy.
“I don’t know her name they just moved in.
She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my Goodness!” says the mother.
“Maybe she’s mentally ill or has Alzheimer’s something. John, you better go see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias.
He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it.
“Well,” she says, “two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”
“Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry,” the father says.
“But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?”
“Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash.
He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did.”
A old man came to his doctor office
A lady is working at old people home
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.
His parents look at the truck and ask, “Where did you get that truck?!”
“I bought it today,” he says.
“With what money?” says his mother.
They knew what a new F150 cost.
“Well,” he says, “this one cost me just fifteen dollars.”
The father looks at him like he’s crazy.
“Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?” he says.
“It was the lady up the street,” says the boy.
“I don’t know her name they just moved in.
She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my Goodness!” says the mother.
“Maybe she’s mentally ill or has Alzheimer’s something. John, you better go see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias.
He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it.
“Well,” she says, “two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”
“Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry,” the father says.
“But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?”
“Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash.
He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did.”
A old man came to his doctor office
A lady is working at old people home
11.
A wife was in bed with her lover.
When she heard her husband’s key in the door.
“Stay where you are,” she said.
“He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife.
Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.
The husband climbed out of bed and counted.
One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.
A sweet old lady is making lunch
little kid is walking street with his Daddy
A wife was in bed with her lover.
When she heard her husband’s key in the door.
“Stay where you are,” she said.
“He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife.
Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.
The husband climbed out of bed and counted.
One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.
A sweet old lady is making lunch
little kid is walking street with his Daddy
12.
A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife’s melons a little feel and says,
“Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow.”
His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, “Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens.”
His wife then reaches over and grabs his weapon.
“Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother.”
A man scolded his son
What is politics
A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife’s melons a little feel and says,
“Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow.”
His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, “Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens.”
His wife then reaches over and grabs his weapon.
“Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother.”
A man scolded his son
What is politics
13.
A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of shoes she likes and must have…
The husband says, “No bang chance love,
They’re too expensive!”
Later on that night in bed,
The wife is just falling off to sleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hands on her hips….
She turns to him and says, “No bang chance love,
If you aunt prepared to shoe the horse then you aunt bang riding it!!”
A mother took 6-year-old son
Charlie was visiting an old friend
A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of shoes she likes and must have…
The husband says, “No bang chance love,
They’re too expensive!”
Later on that night in bed,
The wife is just falling off to sleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hands on her hips….
She turns to him and says, “No bang chance love,
If you aunt prepared to shoe the horse then you aunt bang riding it!!”
A mother took 6-year-old son
Charlie was visiting an old friend
14.
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren.
She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
“Oh, I’ve done all the talking, and I’m so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me… what do you think of my grandchildren?”
A woman phones up her husband
Quasimodo goes to a doctor
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren.
She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
“Oh, I’ve done all the talking, and I’m so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me… what do you think of my grandchildren?”
A woman phones up her husband
Quasimodo goes to a doctor
15.
A rather virtuous young couple marry.
The soon-to-be lovers fly immediately after the ceremony to Toronto for their Honeymoon.
After a wet (or at least slightly damp) week on the Canadian side of the Falls, the couple returns and settles into their new life.
The following Saturday, the young bride meets her friends for lunch.
The self- appointed mature one of the lot, a lady married a full two years prior, presses the newly deflowered woman for details.
“Well,” she finally admits, “It was nice enough, once I got over my embarrassment.”
“Embarrassed to see your whole man for the first time?” The older girl teases.
The bride swiftly shakes her head. “No, it’s just that we were stopped by security at the border, and they unpacked my whole bag in front of everyone.”
The other girls agree that this would be embarrassing.
“Well, then the protections from my bag fell onto the ground,” she whispered.
The older girl spoke for them all, “Bless your heart! That would be awful.”
“That’s not the worst of it,” the girl continued.
“After that, my husband got upset, and the security decided he was that he was being aggressive, took him into custody, and strip searched him!”
The other ladies looked stricken. Finally, one hugged the bride amongst murmers of “You poor thing!” “That would be mortifying!” and one or two more “Bless your heart!”s.
The girl nodded her thanks for the support, then continued “and thats when we got to the embarrassing bit.
The border guys were polite through the whole thing, and kept apologizing during the strip search.
But Aaron kept shouting “I’ll sue for that slander! Don’t you listen to them, Honey!”
A Texas State trooper pulled a car
Two immigrants are on a ship heading to America
A rather virtuous young couple marry.
The soon-to-be lovers fly immediately after the ceremony to Toronto for their Honeymoon.
After a wet (or at least slightly damp) week on the Canadian side of the Falls, the couple returns and settles into their new life.
The following Saturday, the young bride meets her friends for lunch.
The self- appointed mature one of the lot, a lady married a full two years prior, presses the newly deflowered woman for details.
“Well,” she finally admits, “It was nice enough, once I got over my embarrassment.”
“Embarrassed to see your whole man for the first time?” The older girl teases.
The bride swiftly shakes her head. “No, it’s just that we were stopped by security at the border, and they unpacked my whole bag in front of everyone.”
The other girls agree that this would be embarrassing.
“Well, then the protections from my bag fell onto the ground,” she whispered.
The older girl spoke for them all, “Bless your heart! That would be awful.”
“That’s not the worst of it,” the girl continued.
“After that, my husband got upset, and the security decided he was that he was being aggressive, took him into custody, and strip searched him!”
The other ladies looked stricken. Finally, one hugged the bride amongst murmers of “You poor thing!” “That would be mortifying!” and one or two more “Bless your heart!”s.
The girl nodded her thanks for the support, then continued “and thats when we got to the embarrassing bit.
The border guys were polite through the whole thing, and kept apologizing during the strip search.
But Aaron kept shouting “I’ll sue for that slander! Don’t you listen to them, Honey!”
A Texas State trooper pulled a car
Two immigrants are on a ship heading to America
16.
A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks.
As he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle.
He picks it up, and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in. He says, “What’s this?”
She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”
He turns beet red in horror and goes, “Geez, oh . . . I . . .”
She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”
A old billionaire marries a young girl
A little girl was in church with her mother
A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks.
As he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle.
He picks it up, and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in. He says, “What’s this?”
She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”
He turns beet red in horror and goes, “Geez, oh . . . I . . .”
She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”
A old billionaire marries a young girl
A little girl was in church with her mother
17.
It was Christmas Eve, and a woman returned home to her husband after a long day of shopping.
That night, as she got ready for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
Curious, he asked, “What’s that?”
She replied, “I went to the tattoo parlor today. I got ‘Merry Christmas’ tattooed on the inside of one leg and ‘Happy New Year’ on the other.”
Confused, he asked, “Why would you do that?”
With a cheeky grin, she answered, “Now you can’t say there’s nothing to eat between Christmas and New Year’s!”
A woman went to police station
They approach the clerk
It was Christmas Eve, and a woman returned home to her husband after a long day of shopping.
That night, as she got ready for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
Curious, he asked, “What’s that?”
She replied, “I went to the tattoo parlor today. I got ‘Merry Christmas’ tattooed on the inside of one leg and ‘Happy New Year’ on the other.”
Confused, he asked, “Why would you do that?”
With a cheeky grin, she answered, “Now you can’t say there’s nothing to eat between Christmas and New Year’s!”
A woman went to police station
They approach the clerk
18.
Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies.
Little Annie is now silent for a while.
“You understand it now?” Mommy asks.
“Yes,” replies her daughter.
“Do you still have any questions?”
“Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?”
“In exactly the same way as with babies.”
“Wow!” the girl exclaims.
“My daddy can do ANYTHING!”
A polish man is sitting at a bar
A father put his three year old daughter
Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies.
Little Annie is now silent for a while.
“You understand it now?” Mommy asks.
“Yes,” replies her daughter.
“Do you still have any questions?”
“Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?”
“In exactly the same way as with babies.”
“Wow!” the girl exclaims.
“My daddy can do ANYTHING!”
A polish man is sitting at a bar
A father put his three year old daughter
19.
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor.
Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher.
Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!
She turns to him, invitingly… they kiss…and then they rip each other’s clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it for you?”
The guy yawns: “Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf.”
Three gentlemen are golfing one sunny day
A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor.
Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher.
Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!
She turns to him, invitingly… they kiss…and then they rip each other’s clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it for you?”
The guy yawns: “Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf.”
Three gentlemen are golfing one sunny day
A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug
20.
Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
“Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains.
I know you’re about my age
How do you feel?”
Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”
“Really! Like a newborn baby?”
“Yep No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants”
A young caveman
Bill Gates goes to purgatory
Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
“Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains.
I know you’re about my age
How do you feel?”
Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”
“Really! Like a newborn baby?”
“Yep No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants”
A young caveman
Bill Gates goes to purgatory
21.
An elderly carpenter was ready to retire.
He told his employer-contractor of his plans to leave the house-building business to live a more leisurely life with his wife and enjoy his extended family.
He would miss the paycheck each week, but he wanted to retire they could get by.
The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go & asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor.
The carpenter said yes, but over time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work.
He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials.
It was an unfortunate way to end a dedicated career.
When the carpenter finished his work, his employer came to inspect the house.
Then he handed the front-door key to the carpenter and said, “This is your house… my gift to you.”
The carpenter was shocked!
What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently.
So it is with us we build our lives, a day at a time, often putting less than our best into the building.
Then, with a shock, we realize we have to live in the house we have built If we could do it over, we would do it much differently.
But, you cannot go back you are the carpenter, and every day you hammer a nail, place a board, or self practice a wall.
Someone once said, “Life is a do-it-yourself project.”
Your attitude, and the choices you make today, help build the “house” you will live in tomorrow.
Therefore, Build wisely!
At deer camp
A pupil was caught stealing
An elderly carpenter was ready to retire.
He told his employer-contractor of his plans to leave the house-building business to live a more leisurely life with his wife and enjoy his extended family.
He would miss the paycheck each week, but he wanted to retire they could get by.
The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go & asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor.
The carpenter said yes, but over time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work.
He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials.
It was an unfortunate way to end a dedicated career.
When the carpenter finished his work, his employer came to inspect the house.
Then he handed the front-door key to the carpenter and said, “This is your house… my gift to you.”
The carpenter was shocked!
What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently.
So it is with us we build our lives, a day at a time, often putting less than our best into the building.
Then, with a shock, we realize we have to live in the house we have built If we could do it over, we would do it much differently.
But, you cannot go back you are the carpenter, and every day you hammer a nail, place a board, or self practice a wall.
Someone once said, “Life is a do-it-yourself project.”
Your attitude, and the choices you make today, help build the “house” you will live in tomorrow.
Therefore, Build wisely!
At deer camp
A pupil was caught stealing
22.
Jim was in a bad mood, and anyone who got in is way was going to regret it.
Jim walked into his favorite restaurant and plopped himself down on a chair.
“Get me a steak well done with mashed potatoes.”
Three minutes later when his order came, Jim screamed “DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME SAY WELL DONE?!”
“Why thank you sir” the waitress smiled, “that was the first compliment I got all day!”
A old couple were walking on beach
The cop pulled over an old lady
Jim was in a bad mood, and anyone who got in is way was going to regret it.
Jim walked into his favorite restaurant and plopped himself down on a chair.
“Get me a steak well done with mashed potatoes.”
Three minutes later when his order came, Jim screamed “DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME SAY WELL DONE?!”
“Why thank you sir” the waitress smiled, “that was the first compliment I got all day!”
A old couple were walking on beach
The cop pulled over an old lady
23.
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology,
“And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
A doctor and a lawyer are talking
Two factory workers are talking
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology,
“And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
A doctor and a lawyer are talking
Two factory workers are talking
24.
One evening a husband and wife were in bed.
The husband was reading a book, and the wife was watching TV.
The husband reaches over and puts his hand in his wife’s undergarment then withdraws his hand.
The wife was surprised by this and thought perhaps her husband was in the mood for a little love.
A short time later the husband again reaches into his wife’s undergarment then withdraws his hand.
Now the wife is almost sure that her husband is in the mood.
She decides to wait for him to touch her a third time and then she will know for sure.
The husband repeats the same move again.
She leaves the bed, removes her clothes, and returns ready for lovemaking.
Her husband, still reading his book, is surprised when she says, “Dear, I’m all ready!”
The husband asks, “For what?
She says, “Well, for make love, dear! You’ve fingered me three times in the last 5 minutes, and now I’m ready!”
The husband replies, “Huh? lovemaking?? I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages of my book.”
A teacher is teaching a class
A mother took 6-year-old son
One evening a husband and wife were in bed.
The husband was reading a book, and the wife was watching TV.
The husband reaches over and puts his hand in his wife’s undergarment then withdraws his hand.
The wife was surprised by this and thought perhaps her husband was in the mood for a little love.
A short time later the husband again reaches into his wife’s undergarment then withdraws his hand.
Now the wife is almost sure that her husband is in the mood.
She decides to wait for him to touch her a third time and then she will know for sure.
The husband repeats the same move again.
She leaves the bed, removes her clothes, and returns ready for lovemaking.
Her husband, still reading his book, is surprised when she says, “Dear, I’m all ready!”
The husband asks, “For what?
She says, “Well, for make love, dear! You’ve fingered me three times in the last 5 minutes, and now I’m ready!”
The husband replies, “Huh? lovemaking?? I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages of my book.”
A teacher is teaching a class
A mother took 6-year-old son
25.
“Mom, can I have an animal cracker?” asked 3 year old Bob.
“Sure Bob,” said his mom.
“Open up the box, and take a few.”
Forty five minutes later Bob’s mother walked into the kitchen.
“Bob, why’d you spill out all of the animal crackers, and what are you looking for?”
“It said on the box not to eat it if the seal is broken.”
Bob replied “I spilled out the whole box, I looked through all of the animals but I can’t find any seals!”
A husband and wife get up
Bobby was sitting porch talking to Grandpa
“Mom, can I have an animal cracker?” asked 3 year old Bob.
“Sure Bob,” said his mom.
“Open up the box, and take a few.”
Forty five minutes later Bob’s mother walked into the kitchen.
“Bob, why’d you spill out all of the animal crackers, and what are you looking for?”
“It said on the box not to eat it if the seal is broken.”
Bob replied “I spilled out the whole box, I looked through all of the animals but I can’t find any seals!”
A husband and wife get up
Bobby was sitting porch talking to Grandpa
26.
Two women are walking home from the bar, they both have to piss so they slip into a nearby cemetery.
One uses her underclothes to wipe herself, and the other uses a reef off a head stone.
Next night the husbands met at the bar, one looks at the other and says,
“I’m gonna have to watch my wife, she came home with no undergarment last night.”
The other one says, “Oh well, mine came home with a card wedged in her bum saying,
“You were loved and will be missed by the whole entire fire department.”
John was talking to his fiance
Two women are discussing
Two women are walking home from the bar, they both have to piss so they slip into a nearby cemetery.
One uses her underclothes to wipe herself, and the other uses a reef off a head stone.
Next night the husbands met at the bar, one looks at the other and says,
“I’m gonna have to watch my wife, she came home with no undergarment last night.”
The other one says, “Oh well, mine came home with a card wedged in her bum saying,
“You were loved and will be missed by the whole entire fire department.”
John was talking to his fiance
Two women are discussing
27.
A State Trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
He turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies two in the front seat and three in the back looking absolutely terrified, eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The lady driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked.
“No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… 22 miles an hour!” the old woman says proudly.
The Trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in the car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
A young man came from the parking
When I was interned in Dr Eiras Hospital
A State Trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
He turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies two in the front seat and three in the back looking absolutely terrified, eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The lady driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked.
“No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… 22 miles an hour!” the old woman says proudly.
The Trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in the car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
A young man came from the parking
When I was interned in Dr Eiras Hospital
28.
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said– “Well yeah, if that’s what they are– I never heard of circle flies”.
So the farmer says– “Well, circle flies are common on farms see, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”
The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket then after a minute he stops and says, “Hey…wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses back end?”
The farmer says, “Oh no, officer I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses back end.”
The trooper says, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, ” Hard to fool them flies though.”
A nice priest whom she asked
Two men both seriously ill
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said– “Well yeah, if that’s what they are– I never heard of circle flies”.
So the farmer says– “Well, circle flies are common on farms see, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”
The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket then after a minute he stops and says, “Hey…wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses back end?”
The farmer says, “Oh no, officer I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses back end.”
The trooper says, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, ” Hard to fool them flies though.”
A nice priest whom she asked
Two men both seriously ill
29.
Little Johnny is walking around and peaks in his parents room, catching them having lovemaking so he asks,
“What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! we’re just uh, making cake” and they send him away.
So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brothers room so he walks in and catches his brother and his brothers girlfriend having lovemaking and then asks him “What are you guys doing?”
And his brother yells “Get out! were making cake!”
So Johnny leaves and goes to his room.
The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says,
“So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night huh!”
And she replies “OMG! Hows you know!?!?” and
Johnny replies, “Because, I licked the icing off the couch” ayyyyyy.
Elder brother and his girlfriend
Superman and flash were in the living room
Little Johnny is walking around and peaks in his parents room, catching them having lovemaking so he asks,
“What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! we’re just uh, making cake” and they send him away.
So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brothers room so he walks in and catches his brother and his brothers girlfriend having lovemaking and then asks him “What are you guys doing?”
And his brother yells “Get out! were making cake!”
So Johnny leaves and goes to his room.
The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says,
“So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night huh!”
And she replies “OMG! Hows you know!?!?” and
Johnny replies, “Because, I licked the icing off the couch” ayyyyyy.
Elder brother and his girlfriend
Superman and flash were in the living room
30.
A boy who was a witness to a crime was called to testify in court.
He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, “Did anyone tell you what to say in court?”
“Yes, sir,” answered the boy.
“I thought so,” said the attorney. “Who was it?”
“My father, sir.”
“And what did he tell you?” the attorney asked accusingly.
“He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right.”
After many years of bachelorhood
One day Emma came home and asked her mother
A boy who was a witness to a crime was called to testify in court.
He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, “Did anyone tell you what to say in court?”
“Yes, sir,” answered the boy.
“I thought so,” said the attorney. “Who was it?”
“My father, sir.”
“And what did he tell you?” the attorney asked accusingly.
“He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right.”
After many years of bachelorhood
One day Emma came home and asked her mother
Tags:
Eng Jokes
