1.
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had manhood 24 inches long.
When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their shaft and on the other end is a weight.
After a while, the weight s
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had manhood 24 inches long.
When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their shaft and on the other end is a weight.
After a while, the weight s
2.
Johnny’s dad told Johnny to take a shower.
“I’m scared, can I take a shower with you?” Johnny said.
“No, son, that would be weird,” his father replied.
“Please?” he cried.
“Okay, okay, but just don’t look down..”
Johnny, being the curious b
Johnny’s dad told Johnny to take a shower.
“I’m scared, can I take a shower with you?” Johnny said.
“No, son, that would be weird,” his father replied.
“Please?” he cried.
“Okay, okay, but just don’t look down..”
Johnny, being the curious b
3.
“Doctor, Don’t Laugh!” A man goes to the doctors and says, “Doctor, I’ve got this problem you see, only you’ve got to promise not to laugh”.
The doctor replies, “Of course I won’t laugh! That would be thoroughly unprofessional.
In over twenty years
“Doctor, Don’t Laugh!” A man goes to the doctors and says, “Doctor, I’ve got this problem you see, only you’ve got to promise not to laugh”.
The doctor replies, “Of course I won’t laugh! That would be thoroughly unprofessional.
In over twenty years
4.
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car.
Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
“Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something… but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction.
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car.
Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
“Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something… but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction.
5.
Jim calls in to work and says, “Hey, boss I not come work today,
I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt.
I not come work.” The boss says, “You know Jim, I really need you today.
When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell
Jim calls in to work and says, “Hey, boss I not come work today,
I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt.
I not come work.” The boss says, “You know Jim, I really need you today.
When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell
6.
An Englishman, an American and a Japanese are doing white water rafting, when all of a sudden they spot a huge drop to a waterfall they never knew was there.
They are moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom… Suddenly a genie appears.<
An Englishman, an American and a Japanese are doing white water rafting, when all of a sudden they spot a huge drop to a waterfall they never knew was there.
They are moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom… Suddenly a genie appears.<
7.
On Little Johnny’s first day of school,
The teacher asked Johnny what 10+10 is and he said he doesn’t know.
So his teacher told him to go home and find out.
After school, he went to ask his dad but he was fixing the car.
Johnny: Daddy what is
On Little Johnny’s first day of school,
The teacher asked Johnny what 10+10 is and he said he doesn’t know.
So his teacher told him to go home and find out.
After school, he went to ask his dad but he was fixing the car.
Johnny: Daddy what is
8.
An 80-year-old man went to the doctor, who was amazed at what good shape he was in.
The doctor asked, “Why do you think you have such good health?”
The old-timer said,
“I’m a turkey hunter and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up before dayl
An 80-year-old man went to the doctor, who was amazed at what good shape he was in.
The doctor asked, “Why do you think you have such good health?”
The old-timer said,
“I’m a turkey hunter and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up before dayl
9.
An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination whereupon the doctor said “You are in fine shape for your age.. but tell me.. do you still have intercourse?” “Just a minute .. I’ll have to ask my husband,” she said.
She went out
An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination whereupon the doctor said “You are in fine shape for your age.. but tell me.. do you still have intercourse?” “Just a minute .. I’ll have to ask my husband,” she said.
She went out
10.
After three crop failures in a row farmer Jones could not pay his loan at the bank.
“Give me one more chance he pleaded. Don’t take my farm, we’ll be broke and homeless.”
The bank manager comes up with an idea.
“OK, one more chance but not with c
After three crop failures in a row farmer Jones could not pay his loan at the bank.
“Give me one more chance he pleaded. Don’t take my farm, we’ll be broke and homeless.”
The bank manager comes up with an idea.
“OK, one more chance but not with c
11.
A trio of old veterans were bragging and jokes about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.
“My great grandfather, at age 13,” one declared proudly, “was a drummer boy at Shiloh.”
“Mine,” boasts another, “went dow
A trio of old veterans were bragging and jokes about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.
“My great grandfather, at age 13,” one declared proudly, “was a drummer boy at Shiloh.”
“Mine,” boasts another, “went dow
12.
Dolly wanted a new living room set but her husband kept saying.
“No.” Every day she would ask him to please let her have the set.
Every day he would say. “No.”
One day he decided to end this discussion once and for all.
When Dolly asked, he lo
Dolly wanted a new living room set but her husband kept saying.
“No.” Every day she would ask him to please let her have the set.
Every day he would say. “No.”
One day he decided to end this discussion once and for all.
When Dolly asked, he lo
13.
An old French lady had a small shop in her village for years until one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her little shop.
They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said:
Butter – 10 francs.
In respo
An old French lady had a small shop in her village for years until one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her little shop.
They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said:
Butter – 10 francs.
In respo
14.
On a warm evening, a man walks into a bar one night.
He goes up to the cheerful-looking bartender and asks for his favourite premium beer.
“Certainly, sir. That’ll be 1 cent.”
“One single penny?!” exclaimed the man.
The barman replied,
“Yes
On a warm evening, a man walks into a bar one night.
He goes up to the cheerful-looking bartender and asks for his favourite premium beer.
“Certainly, sir. That’ll be 1 cent.”
“One single penny?!” exclaimed the man.
The barman replied,
“Yes
15.
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over.
He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel.
There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath.
He said, “I’m going to give you a breathalyzer test to d
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over.
He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel.
There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath.
He said, “I’m going to give you a breathalyzer test to d
16.
A boss said to his secretary, “I want to make love with you, but I will make it very fast.
I’ll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you down to pick it up, I’ll be done.”
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the stor
A boss said to his secretary, “I want to make love with you, but I will make it very fast.
I’ll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you down to pick it up, I’ll be done.”
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the stor
17.
For the umpteenth time Mrs
Jones told her pastor,
“I’m so scared! My husband says he’s going to kill me if I continue to come to your church.”
“Yes, yes, my child,” replied the pastor, tired of hearing this before.
“I will continue to pray for
For the umpteenth time Mrs
Jones told her pastor,
“I’m so scared! My husband says he’s going to kill me if I continue to come to your church.”
“Yes, yes, my child,” replied the pastor, tired of hearing this before.
“I will continue to pray for
18.
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
“My daughter, you have pleased me greatly.
Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others.
I have
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
“My daughter, you have pleased me greatly.
Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others.
I have
19.
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament. “Sir,” she said “You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons o
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament. “Sir,” she said “You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons o
20.
Two old farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbours but didn’t like each other much.
In 1999, there was a period of -30 degrees centigrade cold and Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it.
So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit out on the windo
Two old farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbours but didn’t like each other much.
In 1999, there was a period of -30 degrees centigrade cold and Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it.
So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit out on the windo
21.
A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks.
As he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle.
He pi
A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks.
As he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle.
He pi
22.
Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.
In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown.
“Didn’t you say, at the scene o
Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.
In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown.
“Didn’t you say, at the scene o
23.
It was a long day at work, and George decided to leave his London office and walk to the pub across the street to get a few drinks.
The rain was pouring as he stepped out, and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.
As he crossed the street, he
It was a long day at work, and George decided to leave his London office and walk to the pub across the street to get a few drinks.
The rain was pouring as he stepped out, and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.
As he crossed the street, he
24.
Moses, Jesus, and an old man were enjoying a friendly round of golf together.
Moses stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and landed in the water trap.
Moses then parted the water and chipped the ball onto the gree
Moses, Jesus, and an old man were enjoying a friendly round of golf together.
Moses stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and landed in the water trap.
Moses then parted the water and chipped the ball onto the gree
25.
A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire.
The fire was more than the county fire department could handle.
Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called.
Despite some doub
A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire.
The fire was more than the county fire department could handle.
Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called.
Despite some doub
26.
Ted comes home blackout drunk, as he does most nights.
With his eyes barely open, he misses his friend Carl in bed with his wife. He lies down and instantly passes out.
Carl panics and tries to run but the wife stops him and whispers: “Don’t go, thi
Ted comes home blackout drunk, as he does most nights.
With his eyes barely open, he misses his friend Carl in bed with his wife. He lies down and instantly passes out.
Carl panics and tries to run but the wife stops him and whispers: “Don’t go, thi
27.
Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office.
“What’s wrong?” gasps her best friend Carol.
“It’s my boyfriend.” gushes Judi.
“He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!”
“My god”, shrie
Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office.
“What’s wrong?” gasps her best friend Carol.
“It’s my boyfriend.” gushes Judi.
“He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!”
“My god”, shrie
28.
A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said,
“I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”
“Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained.
“Tell me some good news for once.”
“Alright, here’s some good news,”
said the secr
A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said,
“I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”
“Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained.
“Tell me some good news for once.”
“Alright, here’s some good news,”
said the secr
29.
A ventriloquist is performing and makes a blonde joke.
A blonde woman in the audience is offended and says “How does my hair color affect my intelligence and value as a person?”
The ventriloquist apologizes and promises not to make any more blonde j
A ventriloquist is performing and makes a blonde joke.
A blonde woman in the audience is offended and says “How does my hair color affect my intelligence and value as a person?”
The ventriloquist apologizes and promises not to make any more blonde j
30.
A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year.
If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on. One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady.
He refrained from speaking for tw
A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year.
If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on. One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady.
He refrained from speaking for tw
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Eng Jokes
