1.
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honoured tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world.
“My Father is better than your Father!” Billy declared.
“No, he’s not!” Johnny responded.
“My brother is better than you
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honoured tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world.
“My Father is better than your Father!” Billy declared.
“No, he’s not!” Johnny responded.
“My brother is better than you
2.
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says,
“Mom, what are those things on your chest!?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn’t forg
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says,
“Mom, what are those things on your chest!?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn’t forg
3.
An elderly couple who had just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary were sitting on their porch, relaxing.
Both were simply reading a book and rocking on their chairs.
When suddenly, the wife looks at her husband and whacks him across the head, and
An elderly couple who had just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary were sitting on their porch, relaxing.
Both were simply reading a book and rocking on their chairs.
When suddenly, the wife looks at her husband and whacks him across the head, and
4.
One day, a woman walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
“Eighty dollars,” the dentist says. “That’s a ridiculous amount!” the woman says.
“Isn’t there a cheaper way?” “Well,” the dentist says, “if you d
One day, a woman walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
“Eighty dollars,” the dentist says. “That’s a ridiculous amount!” the woman says.
“Isn’t there a cheaper way?” “Well,” the dentist says, “if you d
5.
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away.
It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing.
The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temp
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away.
It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing.
The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temp
6.
The Wine Taster At An Old Vineyard Died. A Homeless Guy, Looking Ragged And Dirty, Came To Apply.
He Persuaded The Manager To Give Him A Try.
The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit.
“It’s a red wine, Merlot, three
The Wine Taster At An Old Vineyard Died. A Homeless Guy, Looking Ragged And Dirty, Came To Apply.
He Persuaded The Manager To Give Him A Try.
The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit.
“It’s a red wine, Merlot, three
7.
A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.
“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table.
“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If h
A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.
“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table.
“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If h
8.
Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve.
He would complain about everything. One day he went to their creek with his mule.
He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.
At the funeral,
Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve.
He would complain about everything. One day he went to their creek with his mule.
He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.
At the funeral,
9.
A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said,
“I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”
“Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained.
“Tell me some good news for once.”
“Alright, here’s some good news,”
said the secr
A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said,
“I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”
“Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained.
“Tell me some good news for once.”
“Alright, here’s some good news,”
said the secr
10.
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor told them,
“We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having s*x for two weeks.”
The couple agreed and came back at the end for two weeks.
The pastor as
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor told them,
“We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having s*x for two weeks.”
The couple agreed and came back at the end for two weeks.
The pastor as
11.
Sam and his wife Rachel were playing golf at the club when she drove a 300 yard tee shot straight down the fairway.
Sam said, ‘Wow I have never seen you play this well before!’ ‘I took lessons.’ Says Rachel.
A couple of days later on the tennis cour
Sam and his wife Rachel were playing golf at the club when she drove a 300 yard tee shot straight down the fairway.
Sam said, ‘Wow I have never seen you play this well before!’ ‘I took lessons.’ Says Rachel.
A couple of days later on the tennis cour
12.
For the umpteenth time Mrs
Jones told her pastor,
“I’m so scared! My husband says he’s going to kill me if I continue to come to your church.”
“Yes, yes, my child,” replied the pastor, tired of hearing this before.
“I will continue to pray for
For the umpteenth time Mrs
Jones told her pastor,
“I’m so scared! My husband says he’s going to kill me if I continue to come to your church.”
“Yes, yes, my child,” replied the pastor, tired of hearing this before.
“I will continue to pray for
13.
Little Johnny comes home from school and his Grandma asks him about his day.
Little Johnny says,
“Oh, the school was fun. We were learning s*xual education.
The teacher taught us about pen*ses and vag*nas and how they function.”
The grandmothe
Little Johnny comes home from school and his Grandma asks him about his day.
Little Johnny says,
“Oh, the school was fun. We were learning s*xual education.
The teacher taught us about pen*ses and vag*nas and how they function.”
The grandmothe
14.
A newly married couple was walking through a garden, suddenly a dog ran towards them.
They both knew it will bite them.
The husband lifted his wife and let the dog bite him rather than his sweetheart
The dog stopped before them, unsure what to do
A newly married couple was walking through a garden, suddenly a dog ran towards them.
They both knew it will bite them.
The husband lifted his wife and let the dog bite him rather than his sweetheart
The dog stopped before them, unsure what to do
15.
A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them.
He asked if they had a license and, when they said they didn’t, He sent them off to get one.
They caught the to
A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them.
He asked if they had a license and, when they said they didn’t, He sent them off to get one.
They caught the to
16.
Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained,
“That’s a bull and a cow, and he’s serving her.”
A little later on, they saw horses.
The Grandpa said,
“That’s a stud and a mare, and he’s servi
Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained,
“That’s a bull and a cow, and he’s serving her.”
A little later on, they saw horses.
The Grandpa said,
“That’s a stud and a mare, and he’s servi
17.
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and forcefully drags him into his office. The zookeeper then explains to the m
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and forcefully drags him into his office. The zookeeper then explains to the m
18.
A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year.
If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on. One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady.
He refrained from speaking for tw
A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year.
If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on. One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady.
He refrained from speaking for tw
19.
A duck, a pigeon, and a chicken all walk into a courtroom…
The judge asked the duck,
“What is your crime?”
The duck responds, “I was blowing bubbles in front of City Hall.”
The judge says, “There’s no crime committed here, you’re free to go.”<
A duck, a pigeon, and a chicken all walk into a courtroom…
The judge asked the duck,
“What is your crime?”
The duck responds, “I was blowing bubbles in front of City Hall.”
The judge says, “There’s no crime committed here, you’re free to go.”<
20.
Two unemployed guys are talking.
One says: “I’m going to become a lion-tamer.”
The other replies, “That’s crazy, you don’t know nothing about no lion taming.”
“Yes I do!”
“Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roar
Two unemployed guys are talking.
One says: “I’m going to become a lion-tamer.”
The other replies, “That’s crazy, you don’t know nothing about no lion taming.”
“Yes I do!”
“Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roar
21.
A man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church.
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession.
I had make love with Fanny Green twice last month.’
The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say
A man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church.
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession.
I had make love with Fanny Green twice last month.’
The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say
22.
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down.
You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests.
So what els
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down.
You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests.
So what els
23.
There was an old man who lived by a forest.
As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald.
That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so
There was an old man who lived by a forest.
As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald.
That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so
24.
Some European explorers were traveling through the Amazon rainforest with some natives as guides… when they started hearing drums in the distance.
Puzzled the Europeans inquired, “we hear drums? What does that mean?” The Natives answered, “When drums s
Some European explorers were traveling through the Amazon rainforest with some natives as guides… when they started hearing drums in the distance.
Puzzled the Europeans inquired, “we hear drums? What does that mean?” The Natives answered, “When drums s
25.
A violent tropical storm enveloped a sailing yacht off the southern coast of Florida lasting all night and most of the next morning.
As the sky cleared and the seas calmed, the people on the yacht realized they were grounded on a coral reef about a mil
A violent tropical storm enveloped a sailing yacht off the southern coast of Florida lasting all night and most of the next morning.
As the sky cleared and the seas calmed, the people on the yacht realized they were grounded on a coral reef about a mil
26.
Two friends went to interview for the same job.
They were both in the waiting area when the first friend got called for his interview.
The second friend gave him a thumbs-up as he headed into the interview room.
The interviewer reviewed the man’s
Two friends went to interview for the same job.
They were both in the waiting area when the first friend got called for his interview.
The second friend gave him a thumbs-up as he headed into the interview room.
The interviewer reviewed the man’s
27.
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay of Fundy, Nova Scotia, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties.
“We know it’s late, sir, but we have some information about your wife,” said one of the Mounties.
“T
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay of Fundy, Nova Scotia, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties.
“We know it’s late, sir, but we have some information about your wife,” said one of the Mounties.
“T
28.
A substitute teacher gets a job in the city.
In the lesson of the day the the teacher begins talking about farm animals and finds himself having to explain animals the famers keep.
None of the kids have ever seen, much less heard heard a farm animal
A substitute teacher gets a job in the city.
In the lesson of the day the the teacher begins talking about farm animals and finds himself having to explain animals the famers keep.
None of the kids have ever seen, much less heard heard a farm animal
29.
Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.
When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
We will do that for you, said one of the younger men.
But do you mind if it passes t
Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.
When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
We will do that for you, said one of the younger men.
But do you mind if it passes t
30.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.
After his checkup, doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress.
If you don’t do the following,
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.
After his checkup, doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress.
If you don’t do the following,
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Eng Jokes
