1.
An 80-year-old man went to the doctor, who was amazed at what good shape he was in.
The doctor asked, “Why do you think you have such good health?”
The old-timer said,
“I’m a turkey hunter and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up before dayl
An 80-year-old man went to the doctor, who was amazed at what good shape he was in.
The doctor asked, “Why do you think you have such good health?”
The old-timer said,
“I’m a turkey hunter and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up before dayl
2.
Dolly wanted a new living room set but her husband kept saying.
“No.” Every day she would ask him to please let her have the set.
Every day he would say. “No.”
One day he decided to end this discussion once and for all.
When Dolly asked, he lo
Dolly wanted a new living room set but her husband kept saying.
“No.” Every day she would ask him to please let her have the set.
Every day he would say. “No.”
One day he decided to end this discussion once and for all.
When Dolly asked, he lo
3.
A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch.
Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.
Suddenly the wife st
A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch.
Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.
Suddenly the wife st
4.
Two friends went to interview for the same job.
They were both in the waiting area when the first friend got called for his interview.
The second friend gave him a thumbs-up as he headed into the interview room.
The interviewer reviewed the man’s
Two friends went to interview for the same job.
They were both in the waiting area when the first friend got called for his interview.
The second friend gave him a thumbs-up as he headed into the interview room.
The interviewer reviewed the man’s
5.
After their baby was born, the panicked Jewish father went to see the obstetrician Dr. Cohen.
“Doctor,” Mr. Spiegel said, “I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair.
She can’t possibly be mine.”
“Nonsense,”
After their baby was born, the panicked Jewish father went to see the obstetrician Dr. Cohen.
“Doctor,” Mr. Spiegel said, “I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair.
She can’t possibly be mine.”
“Nonsense,”
6.
The Wine Taster At An Old Vineyard Died. A Homeless Guy, Looking Ragged And Dirty, Came To Apply.
He Persuaded The Manager To Give Him A Try.
The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit.
“It’s a red wine, Merlot, three
The Wine Taster At An Old Vineyard Died. A Homeless Guy, Looking Ragged And Dirty, Came To Apply.
He Persuaded The Manager To Give Him A Try.
The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit.
“It’s a red wine, Merlot, three
7.
An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination whereupon the doctor said “You are in fine shape for your age.. but tell me.. do you still have intercourse?” “Just a minute .. I’ll have to ask my husband,” she said.
She went out
An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination whereupon the doctor said “You are in fine shape for your age.. but tell me.. do you still have intercourse?” “Just a minute .. I’ll have to ask my husband,” she said.
She went out
8.
A woman had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
“My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like
A woman had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
“My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like
9.
An old man was at home on his death bed.
Suddenly he smelt something amazing.
It was the beautiful aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.
With his last strength, he got out of bed and staggered to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years,
An old man was at home on his death bed.
Suddenly he smelt something amazing.
It was the beautiful aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.
With his last strength, he got out of bed and staggered to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years,
10.
A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers.
Salesman: “Can I see your dad?”
Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.”
Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?”
Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.”
Salesman: “Do you think
A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers.
Salesman: “Can I see your dad?”
Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.”
Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?”
Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.”
Salesman: “Do you think
11.
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, “Robert doesn’t appreciate what I do for him.”
“Now, now,” her mother comforted, “I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.”
“No, mother,” you don’t understand.
“I bought a froz
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, “Robert doesn’t appreciate what I do for him.”
“Now, now,” her mother comforted, “I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.”
“No, mother,” you don’t understand.
“I bought a froz
12.
Little Johnny was visiting a friend of his in New York during the winter.
He and his friend went outside to play in the snow.
After about an hour, his friend’s mother called them back inside and had them remove their galoshes and gloves.
Johnny’s
Little Johnny was visiting a friend of his in New York during the winter.
He and his friend went outside to play in the snow.
After about an hour, his friend’s mother called them back inside and had them remove their galoshes and gloves.
Johnny’s
13.
When God created the dog, he said: “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you a lifespan of twenty years.
” The dog replied: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten y
When God created the dog, he said: “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you a lifespan of twenty years.
” The dog replied: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten y
14.
Three nuns died in a car accident. They reached to the gates of heaven but the person who let’s people in said “so I know you are people of the cloth but I decided that I am not going to just let people in, I’m going to give you a test”.
So he goes to
Three nuns died in a car accident. They reached to the gates of heaven but the person who let’s people in said “so I know you are people of the cloth but I decided that I am not going to just let people in, I’m going to give you a test”.
So he goes to
15.
I was sitting at a bar when a man walked in.
The bartender pointed at the seat next to me and said “Hey Jackass! Sit here.” The man sat down.
Then the bartender asked, “What do you want to drink, Jackass?” The man ordered a beer.
A little later,
I was sitting at a bar when a man walked in.
The bartender pointed at the seat next to me and said “Hey Jackass! Sit here.” The man sat down.
Then the bartender asked, “What do you want to drink, Jackass?” The man ordered a beer.
A little later,
16.
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull:
“Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agre
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull:
“Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agre
17.
A new general was allotted to a new army base.
After some time in the base he realized how there were two army men guarding an empty bench in shifts.
He asked his colleagues and his juniors what it was all about. A colleague said “I don’t know but i
A new general was allotted to a new army base.
After some time in the base he realized how there were two army men guarding an empty bench in shifts.
He asked his colleagues and his juniors what it was all about. A colleague said “I don’t know but i
18.
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away.
It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing.
The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temp
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away.
It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing.
The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temp
19.
Moses, Jesus, and an old man were enjoying a friendly round of golf together.
Moses stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and landed in the water trap.
Moses then parted the water and chipped the ball onto the gree
Moses, Jesus, and an old man were enjoying a friendly round of golf together.
Moses stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and landed in the water trap.
Moses then parted the water and chipped the ball onto the gree
20.
A little boy said, “Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?
“Why sure you can,” his grandfather replied.
As he sat on his grandfather’s lap he said, “Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?”
“A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound li
A little boy said, “Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?
“Why sure you can,” his grandfather replied.
As he sat on his grandfather’s lap he said, “Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?”
“A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound li
21.
This dog walks into a post office and says to the Postmaster.
“I need to send a telegram.”
The Postmaster says.
“OK, what is it?”
The dog says.
“I need it to say, Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof.”
The Postmaster counts the words and s
This dog walks into a post office and says to the Postmaster.
“I need to send a telegram.”
The Postmaster says.
“OK, what is it?”
The dog says.
“I need it to say, Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof.”
The Postmaster counts the words and s
22.
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says,
“Mom, what are those things on your chest!?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn’t forg
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says,
“Mom, what are those things on your chest!?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn’t forg
23.
A business man got on an elevator in a building.
When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, “T-G-I-F” (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T” (letters only).”
She looked at him,
A business man got on an elevator in a building.
When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, “T-G-I-F” (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T” (letters only).”
She looked at him,
24.
A man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church.
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession.
I had make love with Fanny Green twice last month.’
The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say
A man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church.
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession.
I had make love with Fanny Green twice last month.’
The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say
25.
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She’s chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
Don’t worry about that,’ says St. Peter, ‘It’s only someone having the holes drilled
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She’s chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
Don’t worry about that,’ says St. Peter, ‘It’s only someone having the holes drilled
26.
There was this blonde city-girl who was out driving and found herself in a rural area.
She noted a farm animal standing next to a farmer and stopped the car to ask the farmer a question.
“Sir,” she inquired, “Why doesn’t this cow have any horns?” Th
There was this blonde city-girl who was out driving and found herself in a rural area.
She noted a farm animal standing next to a farmer and stopped the car to ask the farmer a question.
“Sir,” she inquired, “Why doesn’t this cow have any horns?” Th
27.
If you think life is bad…
How would you like to be an egg?
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes 4 minutes to get hard.
Only 2 minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys.
But worst of all…
The on
If you think life is bad…
How would you like to be an egg?
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes 4 minutes to get hard.
Only 2 minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys.
But worst of all…
The on
28.
Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish are out walking along the beach together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
“I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes in total,” says the Genie.
The Scott
Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish are out walking along the beach together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
“I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes in total,” says the Genie.
The Scott
29.
Three English men were walking through a desert.
They were tired and thirsty but most of all hungry.
Soon, they came across a nomad with about two camels, one alive and one very much dead.
The nomad said “Hey there, you guys look hungry” The thre
Three English men were walking through a desert.
They were tired and thirsty but most of all hungry.
Soon, they came across a nomad with about two camels, one alive and one very much dead.
The nomad said “Hey there, you guys look hungry” The thre
30.
While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man’s balls.
To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the ball with on onion.
Several weeks later the patient returned for a checkup.
“How’s your s*x life?” the doc
While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man’s balls.
To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the ball with on onion.
Several weeks later the patient returned for a checkup.
“How’s your s*x life?” the doc
Tags:
Eng Jokes
