1.
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each…The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.The man bought thousands at $10
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each…The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.The man bought thousands at $10
2.
Three high ranking Axis soldiers are about to be interrogated during WWII.
One is a member of the Gestapo, one is an Imperial Japanese officer and one is a Fascist Italian Commander.
They are all sitting in their holding cell discussing what they ar
Three high ranking Axis soldiers are about to be interrogated during WWII.
One is a member of the Gestapo, one is an Imperial Japanese officer and one is a Fascist Italian Commander.
They are all sitting in their holding cell discussing what they ar
3.
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.The wife decided to take the
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.The wife decided to take the
4.
Jim and Edna are both mental patients.One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn't come up for air.Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out.Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and sayes
Jim and Edna are both mental patients.One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn't come up for air.Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out.Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and sayes
5.
When God created the dog, he said: “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you a lifespan of twenty years.
” The dog replied: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten y
When God created the dog, he said: “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you a lifespan of twenty years.
” The dog replied: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten y
6.
Two factory workers are talking.The woman said, “I know how to get some time off from work!”“How?” asked the man.“Watch this,” said the woman.She climbed up to the rafter and hanged upside down.The boss walked in, saw her and said, “What on earth are you
Two factory workers are talking.The woman said, “I know how to get some time off from work!”“How?” asked the man.“Watch this,” said the woman.She climbed up to the rafter and hanged upside down.The boss walked in, saw her and said, “What on earth are you
7.
A farmer from the cotton fields of Central Texas dies and goes to hellWhy? Well, only his wife, God and the Devil knows!Once there, the Devil notices that this farmer is not suffering like the rest there areHe checks his gauges and sees that it's 95 degre
A farmer from the cotton fields of Central Texas dies and goes to hellWhy? Well, only his wife, God and the Devil knows!Once there, the Devil notices that this farmer is not suffering like the rest there areHe checks his gauges and sees that it's 95 degre
8.
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.
After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Many years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they wer
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.
After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Many years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they wer
9.
A man lay sprawled across three seats in the cinema.When the usherette came by and noticed this, she whispered to the old man “Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat”.The old man didn't budgeThe usherette became more impatient.She said “Sir, if you d
A man lay sprawled across three seats in the cinema.When the usherette came by and noticed this, she whispered to the old man “Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat”.The old man didn't budgeThe usherette became more impatient.She said “Sir, if you d
10.
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs.
The waiter, suspecting that they’ve run out, goes back to question the chef.
“Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?”
Gus replies,
“I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs le
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs.
The waiter, suspecting that they’ve run out, goes back to question the chef.
“Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?”
Gus replies,
“I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs le
11.
A couple were going out for the eveningThey'd gotten ready, all dressed up, cat put out, etc.The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in.They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband
A couple were going out for the eveningThey'd gotten ready, all dressed up, cat put out, etc.The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in.They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband
12.
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money.
The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public.
But
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money.
The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public.
But
13.
They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity,God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish.The first nun said with a blush, “This is slightly embarrassing, but I ha
They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity,God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish.The first nun said with a blush, “This is slightly embarrassing, but I ha
14.
A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.However, he was delayed, so the pries
A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.However, he was delayed, so the pries
15.
A poor boy was in love with a rich man’s daughter. Overcome with his love for the girl, the boy proposed to her.
However, the rich girl derisively rejected him and said, “Your monthly salary is equivalent to my daily expenses. How do you expect me to m
A poor boy was in love with a rich man’s daughter. Overcome with his love for the girl, the boy proposed to her.
However, the rich girl derisively rejected him and said, “Your monthly salary is equivalent to my daily expenses. How do you expect me to m
16.
As he sat down, the waitress came over and asked for their orders.The man said, “I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke.”Then he turned to the ostrich and asked, “What's yours?”“I'll have the same,” said the ostrich.A short time later the waitress return
As he sat down, the waitress came over and asked for their orders.The man said, “I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke.”Then he turned to the ostrich and asked, “What's yours?”“I'll have the same,” said the ostrich.A short time later the waitress return
17.
I would like to share a personal experience I had about drinking and driving.
This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DWI.
As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to
I would like to share a personal experience I had about drinking and driving.
This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DWI.
As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to
18.
The Mechanic Asks The Heart Surgeon… when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey, Doc, can I ask you a quest
The Mechanic Asks The Heart Surgeon… when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey, Doc, can I ask you a quest
19.
Dear Mother and Dad:
Since I left for college I have been remiss in writing and I am sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further un
Dear Mother and Dad:
Since I left for college I have been remiss in writing and I am sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further un
20.
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel,
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel,
21.
An elderly gentleman had been experiencing serious hearing problems for a number of years.He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in
An elderly gentleman had been experiencing serious hearing problems for a number of years.He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in
22.
A mother was driving home from the shops when she decided to stop by at her son and daughter-in-law's house.She knocked on the door, there was no answer.She tried the door, which was unlocked, so she decided to walk in.She was shocked to see her daughter-
A mother was driving home from the shops when she decided to stop by at her son and daughter-in-law's house.She knocked on the door, there was no answer.She tried the door, which was unlocked, so she decided to walk in.She was shocked to see her daughter-
23.
After three crop failures in a row farmer Jones could not pay his loan at the bank.
“Give me one more chance he pleaded. Don’t take my farm, we’ll be broke and homeless.”
The bank manager comes up with an idea.
“OK, one more chance but not with c
After three crop failures in a row farmer Jones could not pay his loan at the bank.
“Give me one more chance he pleaded. Don’t take my farm, we’ll be broke and homeless.”
The bank manager comes up with an idea.
“OK, one more chance but not with c
24.
A local FM Radio was running a contest, and I phoned up.The RJ said, “Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize.”“That's fantastic!” I shouted in delight.“Feel confiden
A local FM Radio was running a contest, and I phoned up.The RJ said, “Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize.”“That's fantastic!” I shouted in delight.“Feel confiden
25.
A chicken farmer went to the local barHe sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.The woman said: “How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne.”“What a coincidence,” said the farmer, who added, “It is a special day for meI'm celebrating”“It is
A chicken farmer went to the local barHe sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.The woman said: “How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne.”“What a coincidence,” said the farmer, who added, “It is a special day for meI'm celebrating”“It is
26.
Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a lit
Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a lit
27.
Anna and blonde are walking home from a night at the bar and have to pee,
so they stop at a cemetery.
With nothing to wipe with Anna uses her underwear and the blonde uses a nearby wreath.
The next day anna’s boyfriend calls his friend, “They are
Anna and blonde are walking home from a night at the bar and have to pee,
so they stop at a cemetery.
With nothing to wipe with Anna uses her underwear and the blonde uses a nearby wreath.
The next day anna’s boyfriend calls his friend, “They are
28.
A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, “Father, I have a problem.I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing… they keep saying ‘Hi, we're hot… do you want to bang us?'”“That's terrible!” says the priest.“But,
A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, “Father, I have a problem.I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing… they keep saying ‘Hi, we're hot… do you want to bang us?'”“That's terrible!” says the priest.“But,
29.
A mother took her little boy to church.While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”The mother said to the little boy, “It's not appropriate to say the word ‘pee' in church.So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee' just tell me that you
A mother took her little boy to church.While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”The mother said to the little boy, “It's not appropriate to say the word ‘pee' in church.So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee' just tell me that you
30.
Girl taunts old man and asks if he ever did anything wildheading downtown to go to the movies, when a young punk got on.She had spiked, multi-colored hair that was green, purple, and orange.Her clothes were a tattered mix of leather rags, her legs were ba
Girl taunts old man and asks if he ever did anything wildheading downtown to go to the movies, when a young punk got on.She had spiked, multi-colored hair that was green, purple, and orange.Her clothes were a tattered mix of leather rags, her legs were ba
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Eng Jokes
