1.
The lawyer says to his client, Bill Shorten,
“I have some good news and some bad news.”
Bill replies:
“I’ve had a bloody awful week, so let’s hear the good news first.”
The lawyer says:
“Your wife Chloe invested $20,000 in five pictures whi
The lawyer says to his client, Bill Shorten,
“I have some good news and some bad news.”
Bill replies:
“I’ve had a bloody awful week, so let’s hear the good news first.”
The lawyer says:
“Your wife Chloe invested $20,000 in five pictures whi
2.
An elderly couple, a priest, and a doctor walk into a bar
As they are sitting down and drinking, they eventually start talking about conception and the question of
“When does life begin”.
The priest said in the Bible states that life begins at co
An elderly couple, a priest, and a doctor walk into a bar
As they are sitting down and drinking, they eventually start talking about conception and the question of
“When does life begin”.
The priest said in the Bible states that life begins at co
3.
… These generals definitely were impressed by what they saw!An American, English and Russian general were having coffee together at the front in World War 2, arguing over who has the bravest soldiers.The British general called one of his men over.“Private
… These generals definitely were impressed by what they saw!An American, English and Russian general were having coffee together at the front in World War 2, arguing over who has the bravest soldiers.The British general called one of his men over.“Private
4.
The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they’ll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she shoul
The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they’ll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she shoul
5.
After a while, One guy looks at the other and says, “I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.”The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”The first guy says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?”The oth
After a while, One guy looks at the other and says, “I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.”The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”The first guy says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?”The oth
6.
A class of 3rd graders return from their field trip to the farm and the teacher asks them,
“What kind of noises did you hear at the farm?”
The first kid raises his hand and says,
“I heard the cow go moo!”
The second kid raises his hand and say
A class of 3rd graders return from their field trip to the farm and the teacher asks them,
“What kind of noises did you hear at the farm?”
The first kid raises his hand and says,
“I heard the cow go moo!”
The second kid raises his hand and say
7.
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber… He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,”You died in your sleep Ralph.” Ralph was stunned.
“I’m dead?No I can’t be! I’ve got too much
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber… He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,”You died in your sleep Ralph.” Ralph was stunned.
“I’m dead?No I can’t be! I’ve got too much
8.
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.A boy, about 9, opened the door“Is your dad or mum home?” said the farmer.“No, they went to town.”“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”“No, he went with Mum and Dad.”The farmer stood
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.A boy, about 9, opened the door“Is your dad or mum home?” said the farmer.“No, they went to town.”“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”“No, he went with Mum and Dad.”The farmer stood
9.
Sometimes your biggest weakness can become your biggest strength.Take, for example, the story of one 10-year-old boy who decided to study judo despite the fact that he had lost his left arm in a devastating car accident.The boy began lessons with an old J
Sometimes your biggest weakness can become your biggest strength.Take, for example, the story of one 10-year-old boy who decided to study judo despite the fact that he had lost his left arm in a devastating car accident.The boy began lessons with an old J
10.
There was a party in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain.Two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain and finally reached their car just as the rain let up They jumped in, started it up and headed down the road, laugh
There was a party in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain.Two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain and finally reached their car just as the rain let up They jumped in, started it up and headed down the road, laugh
11.
This mafia family was in need of a collection officer, and after screening many applicants they hired an individual who happened to be hearing impaired.
He was very good at what he did, and within a week he had collected $40,000.
from non-payers, ho
This mafia family was in need of a collection officer, and after screening many applicants they hired an individual who happened to be hearing impaired.
He was very good at what he did, and within a week he had collected $40,000.
from non-payers, ho
12.
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.As she sat by him he whispered, eyes full of tears: “You know what
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.As she sat by him he whispered, eyes full of tears: “You know what
13.
One of the priests said, “Sometimes it feels like such a burden to always be the one who listens to other people's problems – I can only talk about my sins with the bishop, and he just visits once a year…”The others nodded in agreementSuddenly, one of the
One of the priests said, “Sometimes it feels like such a burden to always be the one who listens to other people's problems – I can only talk about my sins with the bishop, and he just visits once a year…”The others nodded in agreementSuddenly, one of the
14.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.To his amazement, a genie came forth.This particular genie, however, stated that he could only de
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.To his amazement, a genie came forth.This particular genie, however, stated that he could only de
15.
60th High School Reunion, He was a widower and she a widow.They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the w
60th High School Reunion, He was a widower and she a widow.They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the w
16.
Come out of the stall with wet hands.
Pour water in a constant stream on the floor and say, ‘Darn, I almost made it!’
Wash you hair and dry it in the hand dryer.
Wear papertowels wrapped around your head and pretend you’re Erykah Badu.
Write o
Come out of the stall with wet hands.
Pour water in a constant stream on the floor and say, ‘Darn, I almost made it!’
Wash you hair and dry it in the hand dryer.
Wear papertowels wrapped around your head and pretend you’re Erykah Badu.
Write o
17.
Late in the night, Jim, a Marine, finally regained consciousness.He was in hospital, in agonizing pain.He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a gorge
Late in the night, Jim, a Marine, finally regained consciousness.He was in hospital, in agonizing pain.He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a gorge
18.
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.Nobody can believe that any new baby can wei
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.Nobody can believe that any new baby can wei
19.
Jesus and Moses are relaxing on a boat and talking about the good old days.
The subject of miracles comes up, and they decide to see if they can still perform them.
“It’s been almost 4000 years since I did this one” Moses says, then raises his arms.
Jesus and Moses are relaxing on a boat and talking about the good old days.
The subject of miracles comes up, and they decide to see if they can still perform them.
“It’s been almost 4000 years since I did this one” Moses says, then raises his arms.
20.
A store manager Bob stopped by a small manufacturing plantA store manager Bob stopped by a small manufacturing plant he spotted during his last trip through a part of the countryside in the hopes of gaining another client in the area.However, little did B
A store manager Bob stopped by a small manufacturing plantA store manager Bob stopped by a small manufacturing plant he spotted during his last trip through a part of the countryside in the hopes of gaining another client in the area.However, little did B
21.
— Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees…poo poos, quickly pleas
— Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees…poo poos, quickly pleas
22.
One day in the hospital, two little boys were lying on stretchers next to each other outside of the operating room.The first boy leans over and asks, “What are you in for?”“I'm here to get my tonsils out and I'm nervous,” the second boy says.The first kid
One day in the hospital, two little boys were lying on stretchers next to each other outside of the operating room.The first boy leans over and asks, “What are you in for?”“I'm here to get my tonsils out and I'm nervous,” the second boy says.The first kid
23.
My husband and I went through the McDonald’s driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’
I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar
My husband and I went through the McDonald’s driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’
I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar
24.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then give the lemon to a patronAnyone who could squeeze another drop of juice out would win the money.Many people tried but nobody was able to do it.One day a scrawny, little ma
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then give the lemon to a patronAnyone who could squeeze another drop of juice out would win the money.Many people tried but nobody was able to do it.One day a scrawny, little ma
25.
Three old ladies – Gertrude, Maude and Tilly – were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation.Suddenly, a handsome young man dressed only in a trench coat approached them from across the parkHe was holding his coat together with his hands and di
Three old ladies – Gertrude, Maude and Tilly – were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation.Suddenly, a handsome young man dressed only in a trench coat approached them from across the parkHe was holding his coat together with his hands and di
26.
Sherlock Holmes and DrWatson decide to go on a camping tripAfter dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Sherlock Holmes and DrWatson decide to go on a camping tripAfter dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
27.
A Blonde is very upset at people stereotyping blondes, so she organises a blonde convention.
Over 50,000 blondes attend.
The leader stands on a stage and says, “Us blondes have always been misrepresented by the media and we have always been stereoty
A Blonde is very upset at people stereotyping blondes, so she organises a blonde convention.
Over 50,000 blondes attend.
The leader stands on a stage and says, “Us blondes have always been misrepresented by the media and we have always been stereoty
28.
Woman: “Do you drink beer?”Man: “Yes.”Woman: “How many beers a day?”Man: “Usually about three”Woman: “How much do you pay per beer?”Man: “Five dollars, which includes a tip.” (This is where it gets scary!)Woman: “And how long have you been drinking?”Man:
Woman: “Do you drink beer?”Man: “Yes.”Woman: “How many beers a day?”Man: “Usually about three”Woman: “How much do you pay per beer?”Man: “Five dollars, which includes a tip.” (This is where it gets scary!)Woman: “And how long have you been drinking?”Man:
29.
Two elderly women were out driving in a large carBoth could barely see over the dashboardCruising along, they came to an intersection.The stoplight was red, but they just went on throughThe woman in the passenger seat thought, “I must be losing my mindI s
Two elderly women were out driving in a large carBoth could barely see over the dashboardCruising along, they came to an intersection.The stoplight was red, but they just went on throughThe woman in the passenger seat thought, “I must be losing my mindI s
30.
A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred The doctor asked the man, “Do you smoke or drink?” “No,” he replied, “I've never done either.” “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women? ” inquired the doctor.“No, I've
A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred The doctor asked the man, “Do you smoke or drink?” “No,” he replied, “I've never done either.” “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women? ” inquired the doctor.“No, I've
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Eng Jokes
