1.
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselingWhen asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptines
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselingWhen asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptines
2.
A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.She wanted to make sure that the c
A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.She wanted to make sure that the c
3.
Help In The OfficeA new employee stands before a paper shredder looking confused.“Need some help?” a secretary asks.“Yes,” replies the newcomer“How does this thing work?”“Simple,” she says, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shred
Help In The OfficeA new employee stands before a paper shredder looking confused.“Need some help?” a secretary asks.“Yes,” replies the newcomer“How does this thing work?”“Simple,” she says, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shred
4.
All three sit down at the barThe bartender looks at the man and says, “What'll ya have?”The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I'll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I'm only gonna pay half price.”The bartender serves up four b
All three sit down at the barThe bartender looks at the man and says, “What'll ya have?”The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I'll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I'm only gonna pay half price.”The bartender serves up four b
5.
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber… He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,”You died in your sleep Ralph.” Ralph was stunned.
“I’m dead?No I can’t be! I’ve got too much
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber… He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,”You died in your sleep Ralph.” Ralph was stunned.
“I’m dead?No I can’t be! I’ve got too much
6.
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:“Before you leave, I want you to hear how thi
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:“Before you leave, I want you to hear how thi
7.
The first guy goes in and kicks as., best job interview he's ever done in his lifeEnd of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don't have any EARS, man!”“I'm sorry
The first guy goes in and kicks as., best job interview he's ever done in his lifeEnd of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don't have any EARS, man!”“I'm sorry
8.
An insurance company asked for more information regarding a work-related accident claim
This was the response:
“I put ‘poor planning’ as the cause of my accident
I am an amateur radio operator and was working on the top section of my new 80 foot
An insurance company asked for more information regarding a work-related accident claim
This was the response:
“I put ‘poor planning’ as the cause of my accident
I am an amateur radio operator and was working on the top section of my new 80 foot
9.
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat.
They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man.
The son said, “OOh dad, there’s one.” “No,” said th
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat.
They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man.
The son said, “OOh dad, there’s one.” “No,” said th
10.
Three old ladies – Gertrude, Maude and Tilly – were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation.Suddenly, a handsome young man dressed only in a trench coat approached them from across the parkHe was holding his coat together with his hands and di
Three old ladies – Gertrude, Maude and Tilly – were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation.Suddenly, a handsome young man dressed only in a trench coat approached them from across the parkHe was holding his coat together with his hands and di
11.
A farmer from the cotton fields of Central Texas dies and goes to hellWhy? Well, only his wife, God and the Devil knows!Once there, the Devil notices that this farmer is not suffering like the rest there areHe checks his gauges and sees that it's 95 degre
A farmer from the cotton fields of Central Texas dies and goes to hellWhy? Well, only his wife, God and the Devil knows!Once there, the Devil notices that this farmer is not suffering like the rest there areHe checks his gauges and sees that it's 95 degre
12.
An old man was at home on his death bed.
Suddenly he smelt something amazing.
It was the beautiful aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.
With his last strength, he got out of bed and staggered to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years,
An old man was at home on his death bed.
Suddenly he smelt something amazing.
It was the beautiful aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.
With his last strength, he got out of bed and staggered to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years,
13.
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year-old woman has a baby.All of her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.When they ask to see the baby, the new mom says, “Not yet!” A little later, they ask to see the baby agai
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year-old woman has a baby.All of her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.When they ask to see the baby, the new mom says, “Not yet!” A little later, they ask to see the baby agai
14.
The famous professor of mathematics was in town for a conference.Since he had some free time, he was approached to give a seminar for the undergraduate mathematics students at the local college.After covering several blackboards with densely packed comput
The famous professor of mathematics was in town for a conference.Since he had some free time, he was approached to give a seminar for the undergraduate mathematics students at the local college.After covering several blackboards with densely packed comput
15.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” I
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” I
16.
Three guys go to hell,…
When they get there, they meet the devil, who tells them there’s a way to get to heaven.
The Devil explains that behind 3 doors are tasks that they must each complete,…
In whatever order they want, to go to heaven.
Door
Three guys go to hell,…
When they get there, they meet the devil, who tells them there’s a way to get to heaven.
The Devil explains that behind 3 doors are tasks that they must each complete,…
In whatever order they want, to go to heaven.
Door
17.
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down.As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says,“If you put a little rubber thin
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down.As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says,“If you put a little rubber thin
18.
The first one married a woman from Minneapolis, and said to her:“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean and tidy.”He didn't see any changes on the first day, but on the second day the house was clean and tidy.The second brother married a
The first one married a woman from Minneapolis, and said to her:“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean and tidy.”He didn't see any changes on the first day, but on the second day the house was clean and tidy.The second brother married a
19.
This story is a hilarious example of just that.An Alabaman went to see a psychiatrist because of his drinking problem. He sat down on the couch in his office, and the psychiatrist asked him, “So, can you tell me the reason why you're drinking?”The patien
This story is a hilarious example of just that.An Alabaman went to see a psychiatrist because of his drinking problem. He sat down on the couch in his office, and the psychiatrist asked him, “So, can you tell me the reason why you're drinking?”The patien
20.
An arab and his wife are at mid point on a long trek across the desert when suddenly their camel sits down and refuses to get up.The arab beats it with his stick, pulls with all his strength on the reins, swears at it, and invokes Allah's help. All to no
An arab and his wife are at mid point on a long trek across the desert when suddenly their camel sits down and refuses to get up.The arab beats it with his stick, pulls with all his strength on the reins, swears at it, and invokes Allah's help. All to no
21.
Jeff and his girlfriend Jenny decide to become bank-robbers.
Jenny does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while Jeff waits outside as the getaway driver.
They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and the
Jeff and his girlfriend Jenny decide to become bank-robbers.
Jenny does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while Jeff waits outside as the getaway driver.
They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and the
22.
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.However he was delayed, so the Priest
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.However he was delayed, so the Priest
23.
The Devil invites Mike Tyson to hell one day to enjoy himself.He had guests over and he thought they'd like reveling over a background where a person goes around knocking over the residents of hell down.They apparently did not seem to enjoy themselves ove
The Devil invites Mike Tyson to hell one day to enjoy himself.He had guests over and he thought they'd like reveling over a background where a person goes around knocking over the residents of hell down.They apparently did not seem to enjoy themselves ove
24.
One is a member of the Gestapo. One is an Imperial Japanese officer. And one is a Fascist Italian Commander.They are all sitting in their holding cell discussing what they are going to do when they get interrogated.The German says, “My superior German s
One is a member of the Gestapo. One is an Imperial Japanese officer. And one is a Fascist Italian Commander.They are all sitting in their holding cell discussing what they are going to do when they get interrogated.The German says, “My superior German s
25.
Father was a hardworking man who delivered bread as a living to support his wife and three children.
He spent all his evenings after work attending classes, hoping to improve himself so that he could one day find a better paying job.
Except for Sund
Father was a hardworking man who delivered bread as a living to support his wife and three children.
He spent all his evenings after work attending classes, hoping to improve himself so that he could one day find a better paying job.
Except for Sund
26.
A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache.Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.Finally his
A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache.Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.Finally his
27.
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide.The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about thatI'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.”The young guy says, “
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide.The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about thatI'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.”The young guy says, “
28.
Doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road.The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up,helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed
Doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road.The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up,helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed
29.
In the piece, there's a long passage of about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.Rather than sit around that whole time, some bass players decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.After slamming
In the piece, there's a long passage of about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.Rather than sit around that whole time, some bass players decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.After slamming
30.
A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s,She read an adver
A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s,She read an adver
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Eng Jokes
