1.
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for meAlthough I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a t
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for meAlthough I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a t
2.
Father was a hardworking man who delivered bread as a living to support his wife and three children.
He spent all his evenings after work attending classes, hoping to improve himself so that he could one day find a better paying job.
Except for Sund
Father was a hardworking man who delivered bread as a living to support his wife and three children.
He spent all his evenings after work attending classes, hoping to improve himself so that he could one day find a better paying job.
Except for Sund
3.
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, “What you gonna do with that? There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here.”He says, “I won it and I'm a gonna keep it.”His brother came over to visit several days later.
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, “What you gonna do with that? There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here.”He says, “I won it and I'm a gonna keep it.”His brother came over to visit several days later.
4.
The old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said, “I would like to withdraw £10”.The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than £100, please use the ATM.”The old lady wanted to know why.The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “T
The old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said, “I would like to withdraw £10”.The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than £100, please use the ATM.”The old lady wanted to know why.The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “T
5.
So a truck driver is driving through the country when he sees a penguin in the middle of the road.He pulls over and looks around, but can't see anyone.So he picks up the penguin, puts him in the cab of his truck, and continues on his way.A couple of miles
So a truck driver is driving through the country when he sees a penguin in the middle of the road.He pulls over and looks around, but can't see anyone.So he picks up the penguin, puts him in the cab of his truck, and continues on his way.A couple of miles
6.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him.He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. “Wh
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him.He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. “Wh
7.
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, “Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.
” Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.
“Well,” said Mr. Johnson, “I was looki
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, “Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.
” Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.
“Well,” said Mr. Johnson, “I was looki
8.
One day this Swedish guy walks into a dingy little storefront travel agency, holds up a page out of a newspaper, and says: “You say in this ad that you have a voonderful luxury cruise for only $69.95I vant to go on this voonderful luxury cruise.”The guy b
One day this Swedish guy walks into a dingy little storefront travel agency, holds up a page out of a newspaper, and says: “You say in this ad that you have a voonderful luxury cruise for only $69.95I vant to go on this voonderful luxury cruise.”The guy b
9.
An old man was at home on his death bed.
Suddenly he smelt something amazing.
It was the beautiful aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.
With his last strength, he got out of bed and staggered to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years,
An old man was at home on his death bed.
Suddenly he smelt something amazing.
It was the beautiful aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.
With his last strength, he got out of bed and staggered to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years,
10.
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, “Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at homeI want her to know what I go thr
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, “Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at homeI want her to know what I go thr
11.
A ventriloquist is performing and makes a blonde joke.
A blonde woman in the audience is offended and says “How does my hair color affect my intelligence and value as a person?”
The ventriloquist apologizes and promises not to make any more blonde j
A ventriloquist is performing and makes a blonde joke.
A blonde woman in the audience is offended and says “How does my hair color affect my intelligence and value as a person?”
The ventriloquist apologizes and promises not to make any more blonde j
12.
Sometimes your biggest weakness can become your biggest strength.Take, for example, the story of one 10-year-old boy who decided to study judo despite the fact that he had lost his left arm in a devastating car accident.The boy began lessons with an old J
Sometimes your biggest weakness can become your biggest strength.Take, for example, the story of one 10-year-old boy who decided to study judo despite the fact that he had lost his left arm in a devastating car accident.The boy began lessons with an old J
13.
On his first day on the job, the trainee dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:“Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!”The voice from the other side responded:“You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?”“No,” replied
On his first day on the job, the trainee dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:“Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!”The voice from the other side responded:“You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?”“No,” replied
14.
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher.The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed.The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.The case was schedul
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher.The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed.The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.The case was schedul
15.
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.
She asked him: “Daddy, what is s*x?”
The Dad was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question,
then she is old enough to g
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.
She asked him: “Daddy, what is s*x?”
The Dad was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question,
then she is old enough to g
16.
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson.
It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits … you name it.
Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way arou
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson.
It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits … you name it.
Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way arou
17.
My 3-year-old son had a hard time with potty training and I was on him all the time.One day we stopped by McDonald's to pick up a quick bite to eat between errands.The restaurant was packed.As I was enjoying my burger, I got a really unpleasant whiff of s
My 3-year-old son had a hard time with potty training and I was on him all the time.One day we stopped by McDonald's to pick up a quick bite to eat between errands.The restaurant was packed.As I was enjoying my burger, I got a really unpleasant whiff of s
18.
Two senior ladies were out for a Sunday drive in a huge car.
Neither of them could really see too much over the dashboard.
When they came to an intersection, the light was red yet they kept on cruising through.
The passenger thought to herself, “
Two senior ladies were out for a Sunday drive in a huge car.
Neither of them could really see too much over the dashboard.
When they came to an intersection, the light was red yet they kept on cruising through.
The passenger thought to herself, “
19.
However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.“Well,” one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, “Why don't we attend Mass?”“Sure,” replies his friend“But we don't know how the Fr
However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.“Well,” one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, “Why don't we attend Mass?”“Sure,” replies his friend“But we don't know how the Fr
20.
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.The man says, “I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich.“What's yours?” “I'll have the same,” sa
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.The man says, “I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich.“What's yours?” “I'll have the same,” sa
21.
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man picks up with the speakerphone on and begins to talk.Everyone else in the room stops talking:MAN: “Hello?”WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it's meAre you at the club?”MAN: “Yes.”
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man picks up with the speakerphone on and begins to talk.Everyone else in the room stops talking:MAN: “Hello?”WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it's meAre you at the club?”MAN: “Yes.”
22.
Me and my two brothers wanted to give my grandpa nice birthday gifts.
My two brothers, both more wealthy than me, bought a brand new car and a beautiful cabin on lakefront property respectively.
I couldn’t afford anything other than a talking parrot
Me and my two brothers wanted to give my grandpa nice birthday gifts.
My two brothers, both more wealthy than me, bought a brand new car and a beautiful cabin on lakefront property respectively.
I couldn’t afford anything other than a talking parrot
23.
The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company.On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself.The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card,So later he could remember how his
The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company.On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself.The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card,So later he could remember how his
24.
The pastor stood before the congregation and said;“I have bad news, I have good news, and I have more bad news.”The congregation got quiet.“The bad news is: the church needs a new roof!” the pastor said.The congregation groaned.“The good news is: we have
The pastor stood before the congregation and said;“I have bad news, I have good news, and I have more bad news.”The congregation got quiet.“The bad news is: the church needs a new roof!” the pastor said.The congregation groaned.“The good news is: we have
25.
An Australian asks a travel agent what’s the cheapest possible vacation to London that lets him see everything.
“I have a whole evening in Dubai on the way back?
Very well, I’ve always wanted to see the world’s tallest building.”
He packs his bag
An Australian asks a travel agent what’s the cheapest possible vacation to London that lets him see everything.
“I have a whole evening in Dubai on the way back?
Very well, I’ve always wanted to see the world’s tallest building.”
He packs his bag
26.
Two men leave a store. One man walks to his Corvette, the other walks out to his moped.
The guy with the moped admires the Corvette and the owner lets him take a look at it.
The he gets on his moped, the other guy gets into his ‘Vette, and they both
Two men leave a store. One man walks to his Corvette, the other walks out to his moped.
The guy with the moped admires the Corvette and the owner lets him take a look at it.
The he gets on his moped, the other guy gets into his ‘Vette, and they both
27.
One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”Bob's wife goes out a
One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”Bob's wife goes out a
28.
Mummy is embarrassed by her sons choice of words, so tells him thisSo he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.“MUM,” the boy yells at the top of his voice, “I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PI
Mummy is embarrassed by her sons choice of words, so tells him thisSo he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.“MUM,” the boy yells at the top of his voice, “I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PI
29.
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind himThe waitress asks them for their orders.The truckie says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, ‘What's yours?' ‘I'll have the same,' says the emu.A short time l
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind himThe waitress asks them for their orders.The truckie says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, ‘What's yours?' ‘I'll have the same,' says the emu.A short time l
30.
A guy goes on to a ship to sail (and work) but he notices no women on board.
so he runs to the captian Guy: capt. capt.! theres no women on borad what will be do for pleasure???
capt.:Ohh… dont worry me laddie just stick ur d*ck in that barrel and e
A guy goes on to a ship to sail (and work) but he notices no women on board.
so he runs to the captian Guy: capt. capt.! theres no women on borad what will be do for pleasure???
capt.:Ohh… dont worry me laddie just stick ur d*ck in that barrel and e
Tags:
Eng Jokes
