😂 Funny Quotes That Will Have You Laughing Until Your Stomach Hurts! 04

1.



"I don’t go crazy; I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time."

2.



"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it."

3.



"I don’t need anger management; I need people to stop annoying me."

4.



"Marriage is just texting each other, 'Do we need anything from the store?' until one of you dies."

5.



"I’m on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days."

6.



"I always say ‘morning’ instead of ‘good morning,’ because if it was a good morning, I’d still be in bed."

7.



"I’m not a morning person. I’m barely an afternoon person."

8.



"I don’t make mistakes; I create learning opportunities."

9.



"My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do."

10.



"Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems."

11.



"Some people wake up looking like a million bucks. I wake up looking like loose change."

12.



"I’m not clumsy; the floor hates me, and the walls are bullies."

13.



"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance."

14.



"Dogs have owners, but cats have staff."

15.



"I don’t sweat—I sparkle."

16.



"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it."

17.



"I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way."

18.



"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure."

19.



"I made a huge to-do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it."

20.



"I tried to make my dog stop chasing his tail, but he just kept getting around it."

21.



"I told my boss I need a raise. She said, ‘That’s above my pay grade.’"

22.



"I used to work at a calendar factory but got fired for taking a couple of days off."

23.



"I’m not lazy. I’m just very relaxed."

24.



"My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry."

25.



"Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring, so I go back to being me."

26.



"I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down."

27.



"I thought I hit rock bottom, but then someone handed me a shovel."

28.



"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."

29.



"I’m not a morning person or a night owl. I’m just permanently exhausted."

30.



"My brain has too many tabs open."