1.
… he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 poundsThe man buys a round of drinks as his wife just gave birth to typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 poundsCongratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamation
… he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 poundsThe man buys a round of drinks as his wife just gave birth to typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 poundsCongratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamation
2.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.“Not a chance,” says the husband, “It is 3:00 in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.“Who was that?” asked his wife.“Just some
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.“Not a chance,” says the husband, “It is 3:00 in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.“Who was that?” asked his wife.“Just some
3.
David received a parrot for his birthday.The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.Every other word was an obscenity.Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and wa
David received a parrot for his birthday.The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.Every other word was an obscenity.Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and wa
4.
They leave in the morning with handcuffs, a vicious looking dog, and a rifle.Upon arriving to a tree where a gorilla is perched, the hunter tells his friend his technique,…“I will go up that tree stealthily, like a ninja, and push the gorilla off his bran
They leave in the morning with handcuffs, a vicious looking dog, and a rifle.Upon arriving to a tree where a gorilla is perched, the hunter tells his friend his technique,…“I will go up that tree stealthily, like a ninja, and push the gorilla off his bran
5.
A married couple are out one night at a dance club.There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.The wife turns to her husband and says,“See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned h
A married couple are out one night at a dance club.There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.The wife turns to her husband and says,“See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned h
6.
1Call when you say you are going to call.2Never lie, about anything.3Showing emotion is good, it does not make you weak, it makes you human.4Girls talk on “Girls Night Out” so don't be surprised if you get in trouble when we get back.5The correct answer t
1Call when you say you are going to call.2Never lie, about anything.3Showing emotion is good, it does not make you weak, it makes you human.4Girls talk on “Girls Night Out” so don't be surprised if you get in trouble when we get back.5The correct answer t
7.
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, ‘Hello.'‘MrsSanders, please.'‘Speaking.'‘MrsSanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another MrSanders arrived
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, ‘Hello.'‘MrsSanders, please.'‘Speaking.'‘MrsSanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another MrSanders arrived
8.
Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing their problems with getting oldThe first one said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need
Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing their problems with getting oldThe first one said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need
9.
A man lay sprawled across three seats in the cinema.When the usherette came by and noticed this, she whispered to the old man “Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat”.The old man didn't budgeThe usherette became more impatient.She said “Sir, if you d
A man lay sprawled across three seats in the cinema.When the usherette came by and noticed this, she whispered to the old man “Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat”.The old man didn't budgeThe usherette became more impatient.She said “Sir, if you d
10.
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
“My daughter, you have pleased me greatly.
Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others.
I have
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
“My daughter, you have pleased me greatly.
Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others.
I have
11.
Whispering firmly to the dying man, the priest said,“Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”The dying man said nothing.The priest repeated his order.Still the dying man said nothing.The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denou
Whispering firmly to the dying man, the priest said,“Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”The dying man said nothing.The priest repeated his order.Still the dying man said nothing.The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denou
12.
A man runs to the doctor and says,“Doctor, you've got to help me.My wife thinks she's a chicken!”The doctor asks, “How long has she had this condition?”“Two years,” says the man.“Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the shrink.The m
A man runs to the doctor and says,“Doctor, you've got to help me.My wife thinks she's a chicken!”The doctor asks, “How long has she had this condition?”“Two years,” says the man.“Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the shrink.The m
13.
An insurance company asked for more information regarding a work-related accident claim
This was the response:
“I put ‘poor planning’ as the cause of my accident
I am an amateur radio operator and was working on the top section of my new 80 foot
An insurance company asked for more information regarding a work-related accident claim
This was the response:
“I put ‘poor planning’ as the cause of my accident
I am an amateur radio operator and was working on the top section of my new 80 foot
14.
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delici
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delici
15.
Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained,
“That’s a bull and a cow, and he’s serving her.”
A little later on, they saw horses.
The Grandpa said,
“That’s a stud and a mare, and he’s servi
Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained,
“That’s a bull and a cow, and he’s serving her.”
A little later on, they saw horses.
The Grandpa said,
“That’s a stud and a mare, and he’s servi
16.
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a packageWhat food might this contain? The mouse wondered – he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning: “Th
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a packageWhat food might this contain? The mouse wondered – he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning: “Th
17.
The female brain works on a different tangent than male.Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about lifeIn-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.I told her, “Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally depende
The female brain works on a different tangent than male.Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about lifeIn-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.I told her, “Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally depende
18.
The gynaecologist who became a mechanic!
A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He
The gynaecologist who became a mechanic!
A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He
19.
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & beautiful young woman entered.She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked di
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & beautiful young woman entered.She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked di
20.
“Hey, man! How have you been?”“Oh, great,” says the other“I have recently bought an elephant.”“An elephant? Are you serious?” asks his friend.“Yeah, manThe kids love him, he's their best friendThey call him Mr TrunksHe washes my car with his trunkI don't
“Hey, man! How have you been?”“Oh, great,” says the other“I have recently bought an elephant.”“An elephant? Are you serious?” asks his friend.“Yeah, manThe kids love him, he's their best friendThey call him Mr TrunksHe washes my car with his trunkI don't
21.
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog
22.
So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.“MUM,” the boy yells at the top of his voice, “I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PISS!”Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son's lan
So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.“MUM,” the boy yells at the top of his voice, “I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PISS!”Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son's lan
23.
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away.
It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing.
The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temp
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away.
It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing.
The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temp
24.
The Father said, “Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye MrsDonovan? And didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?”She replied, “Aye, that ye did, Father.”The Father asked, “And be there any wee little ones yet?”She replied, “No, not yet, Father.”The
The Father said, “Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye MrsDonovan? And didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?”She replied, “Aye, that ye did, Father.”The Father asked, “And be there any wee little ones yet?”She replied, “No, not yet, Father.”The
25.
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious y
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious y
26.
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.He decides to give them a test.He gives each woman a present of $5000 and waits to see what they do with the money.The first does a total makeover.She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her ha
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.He decides to give them a test.He gives each woman a present of $5000 and waits to see what they do with the money.The first does a total makeover.She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her ha
27.
Sometimes, if you really really want something, you’ve just got to keep trying until you get it.
No matter what your goals, you have to push boundaries and excel yourself to achieve anything.
But, does that apply to children? What if you really want
Sometimes, if you really really want something, you’ve just got to keep trying until you get it.
No matter what your goals, you have to push boundaries and excel yourself to achieve anything.
But, does that apply to children? What if you really want
28.
After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.The fisherman says to the warden, “I did not catch these lobsters, they are my
After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.The fisherman says to the warden, “I did not catch these lobsters, they are my
29.
A man calls home to his wife and says,
“Honey, I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.
We’ll be gone for a week.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so could you
A man calls home to his wife and says,
“Honey, I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.
We’ll be gone for a week.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so could you
30.
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson.
It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits … you name it.
Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way arou
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson.
It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits … you name it.
Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way arou
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Eng Jokes
