1.
"I love my job only when I’m on vacation."
"I love my job only when I’m on vacation."
2.
"There’s no ‘I’ in denial."
"There’s no ‘I’ in denial."
3.
"I’m not lazy; I’m just highly motivated to do nothing."
"I’m not lazy; I’m just highly motivated to do nothing."
4.
"I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it."
"I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it."
5.
"Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."
"Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."
6.
"Why don’t skeletons fight? Because they don’t have the guts."
"Why don’t skeletons fight? Because they don’t have the guts."
7.
"They say laughter is the best medicine, but have you tried chocolate?"
"They say laughter is the best medicine, but have you tried chocolate?"
8.
"I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure."
"I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure."
9.
"They say ‘don’t try this at home,’ so I’m coming over to your house to try it."
"They say ‘don’t try this at home,’ so I’m coming over to your house to try it."
10.
"My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called lunch."
"My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called lunch."
11.
"Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"
"Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"
12.
"I’d quit coffee, but I’m not a quitter."
"I’d quit coffee, but I’m not a quitter."
13.
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
14.
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
15.
"I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll make an exception."
"I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll make an exception."
16.
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure."
17.
"I didn’t trip; I was just testing gravity."
"I didn’t trip; I was just testing gravity."
18.
"I’m not a complete idiot—some pieces are missing."
"I’m not a complete idiot—some pieces are missing."
19.
"Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you."
"Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you."
20.
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
21.
"I told my plants to grow, and now they’re grounded for not listening."
"I told my plants to grow, and now they’re grounded for not listening."
22.
"I’m not shy; I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you."
"I’m not shy; I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you."
23.
"My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do."
"My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do."
24.
"The elevator to success is broken; you’ll have to take the stairs."
"The elevator to success is broken; you’ll have to take the stairs."
25.
"Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they’re shellfish."
"Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they’re shellfish."
26.
"Don’t worry if plan A fails; there are 25 more letters."
"Don’t worry if plan A fails; there are 25 more letters."
27.
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
28.
"I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side."
"I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side."
29.
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."
30.
"I don’t sweat—I sparkle."
"I don’t sweat—I sparkle."
Tags:
quotes
