1.
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him.“WelcomeYou are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully.”Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, “Who really shot Kennedy?”God replies, “Lee Harvey Oswald
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him.“WelcomeYou are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully.”Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, “Who really shot Kennedy?”God replies, “Lee Harvey Oswald
2.
A guy burned both of his ears… so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.
He said, “I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang… So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear…”
“But how the heck did you burn the othe
A guy burned both of his ears… so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.
He said, “I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang… So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear…”
“But how the heck did you burn the othe
3.
A recently divorced man, heartbroken and down on his luck, comes across a magical genie lampThinking his luck has finally changed, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.“I am an all and powerful genieYou get three wishes, but I must tell you in advance, a
A recently divorced man, heartbroken and down on his luck, comes across a magical genie lampThinking his luck has finally changed, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.“I am an all and powerful genieYou get three wishes, but I must tell you in advance, a
4.
Jane read that milk baths would make her beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk at her door.When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the
Jane read that milk baths would make her beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk at her door.When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the
5.
First Bull: “I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows.”Second Bull: “I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows.”Third Bull: “I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys
First Bull: “I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows.”Second Bull: “I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows.”Third Bull: “I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys
6.
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court.
The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, I’d like to give you a second chance.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug us
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court.
The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, I’d like to give you a second chance.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug us
7.
Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavatedThe friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.It is through this entrance that they find a sec
Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavatedThe friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.It is through this entrance that they find a sec
8.
A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other.
The groom’s best friend takes him aside and asks what’s wrong.
“Well,” replies the man, “when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without t
A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other.
The groom’s best friend takes him aside and asks what’s wrong.
“Well,” replies the man, “when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without t
9.
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, “No honey for you for one month!”Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.“That's it! No butte
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, “No honey for you for one month!”Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.“That's it! No butte
10.
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get so stressed that little things seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it – he was a dwarf!
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get so stressed that little things seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it – he was a dwarf!
11.
So, today I went over to the local Gun shop to get a Colt 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”Making a mental note to complain to the government about gun cont
So, today I went over to the local Gun shop to get a Colt 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”Making a mental note to complain to the government about gun cont
12.
A woman is at the funeral of her husband, everyone is going up to say kind words about him, when one man turns around to the wife and says,“Would you mind if i went up and said a few words?”She replied, “Of course not, please feel free to.”So the man walk
A woman is at the funeral of her husband, everyone is going up to say kind words about him, when one man turns around to the wife and says,“Would you mind if i went up and said a few words?”She replied, “Of course not, please feel free to.”So the man walk
13.
Little Johnny was visiting a friend of his in New York during the winter.
He and his friend went outside to play in the snow.
After about an hour, his friend’s mother called them back inside and had them remove their galoshes and gloves.
Johnny’s
Little Johnny was visiting a friend of his in New York during the winter.
He and his friend went outside to play in the snow.
After about an hour, his friend’s mother called them back inside and had them remove their galoshes and gloves.
Johnny’s
14.
The mother came on her little son who was standing thoughtfully before the gooseberry bush in the garden.She noted that his expression was both puzzled and distressed.“Why, what's the matter, little lamb?” she asked tenderly.“I'm thinkin, mumy,” the boy a
The mother came on her little son who was standing thoughtfully before the gooseberry bush in the garden.She noted that his expression was both puzzled and distressed.“Why, what's the matter, little lamb?” she asked tenderly.“I'm thinkin, mumy,” the boy a
15.
A water bearer in India had two large pots, one hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk
A water bearer in India had two large pots, one hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk
16.
Two math professors are in a restaurantOne argues that the average person does not know any math beyond high school.The other argues that the average person knows some more advanced mathJust then, the first one gets up to use the rest room.The second prof
Two math professors are in a restaurantOne argues that the average person does not know any math beyond high school.The other argues that the average person knows some more advanced mathJust then, the first one gets up to use the rest room.The second prof
17.
Tom could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old sonOnly the slim hope of finding Alex kept him from turning and fleeing the sceneHe took a deep breath and proceeded.Walking was virtually impossible with s
Tom could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old sonOnly the slim hope of finding Alex kept him from turning and fleeing the sceneHe took a deep breath and proceeded.Walking was virtually impossible with s
18.
Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship.He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”Angry, the captain sends: “I'm a navy cap
Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship.He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”Angry, the captain sends: “I'm a navy cap
19.
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 betThe bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patronAnyone who could squeeze one more drop
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 betThe bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patronAnyone who could squeeze one more drop
20.
The priest says, “Oh heavens, I forgot my lures back on land” and steps out of the boat, walks across the water back to the land, and grabs his lures before walking back to the boat.The atheist was astounded, but before he could make sense of the situatio
The priest says, “Oh heavens, I forgot my lures back on land” and steps out of the boat, walks across the water back to the land, and grabs his lures before walking back to the boat.The atheist was astounded, but before he could make sense of the situatio
21.
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyardA couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyardA couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come
22.
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal*Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.The w
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal*Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.The w
23.
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, “What you gonna do with that? There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here.”He says, “I won it and I'm a gonna keep it.”His brother came over to visit several days later.
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, “What you gonna do with that? There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here.”He says, “I won it and I'm a gonna keep it.”His brother came over to visit several days later.
24.
In 1993, Dave Parker was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Kentucky State University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Dave approache
In 1993, Dave Parker was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Kentucky State University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Dave approache
25.
Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground.
They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine.
Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first h
Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground.
They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine.
Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first h
26.
A married couple got into an accident and the husband's face was badly burnedThe doctor told him that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinnySo the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.However, the only skin on her body
A married couple got into an accident and the husband's face was badly burnedThe doctor told him that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinnySo the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.However, the only skin on her body
27.
3 men are playing golf at a Country Club: Obi Wan Kenobi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap. He mind controls his caddy to mark it a hole-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the roug
3 men are playing golf at a Country Club: Obi Wan Kenobi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap. He mind controls his caddy to mark it a hole-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the roug
28.
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide.The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about thatI'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.”The young guy says, “
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide.The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about thatI'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.”The young guy says, “
29.
A mother was driving home from the shops when she decided to stop by at her son and daughter-in-law's house.She knocked on the door, there was no answer.She tried the door, which was unlocked, so she decided to walk in.She was shocked to see her daughter-
A mother was driving home from the shops when she decided to stop by at her son and daughter-in-law's house.She knocked on the door, there was no answer.She tried the door, which was unlocked, so she decided to walk in.She was shocked to see her daughter-
30.
The owner tells him he has good news and bad news.“The good news is that a man dropped by the studio today and put in an offer to buy every single piece. He just wanted my guarantee that the works would be worth twice what he paid if you were to pass awa
The owner tells him he has good news and bad news.“The good news is that a man dropped by the studio today and put in an offer to buy every single piece. He just wanted my guarantee that the works would be worth twice what he paid if you were to pass awa
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Eng Jokes
