When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye - Funny Quotes 09

1.



"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."

2.



"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure."

3.



"I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort."

4.



"I’m not a morning person or a night owl. I’m just permanently exhausted."

5.



"A day without laughter is a day wasted, but a day without coffee is even worse."

6.



"I don’t sweat—I sparkle."

7.



"Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."

8.



"Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until they speak."

9.



"I always say ‘morning’ instead of ‘good morning,’ because if it was a good morning, I’d still be in bed."

10.



"I told myself I should stop drinking, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who talks to himself."

11.



"I made a huge to-do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it."

12.



"Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you."

13.



"I love my job only when I’m on vacation."

14.



"I’m not a morning person. I’m barely an afternoon person."

15.



"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, so she hugged me."

16.



"I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure."

17.



"I’m not a hoarder; I’m just really good at finding potential in things."

18.



"Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but she is a mother, and we should respect her."

19.



"My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called lunch."

20.



"Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They’re a little shady."

21.



"I told my boss I need a raise. She said, ‘That’s above my pay grade.’"

22.



"You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps."

23.



"I can resist everything except temptation."

24.



"My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do."

25.



"I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side."

26.



"They say laughter is the best medicine, but have you tried chocolate?"

27.



"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."

28.



"Chocolate doesn’t ask questions. Chocolate understands."

29.



"I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted paychecks."

30.



"Marriage is just texting each other, 'Do we need anything from the store?' until one of you dies."