1.
A 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remem
A 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remem
2.
Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed.He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.After a while, the
Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed.He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.After a while, the
3.
A man was walking down the beach when he found a bottle.
He picks up the bottle, and a genie comes out.
The genie says that he will grant him one wish.
“Well, I’d like to go to Hawaii.
But, I’m afraid of flying and I don’t like the idea of goi
A man was walking down the beach when he found a bottle.
He picks up the bottle, and a genie comes out.
The genie says that he will grant him one wish.
“Well, I’d like to go to Hawaii.
But, I’m afraid of flying and I don’t like the idea of goi
4.
.and her brother named themA couple of weeks later she finally wakes up and asks the doctor, “Where is my baby?!”The doctor replies, “They are both fine, you have a beautiful boy and girl.Your husband went back to work and you were out so long that your b
.and her brother named themA couple of weeks later she finally wakes up and asks the doctor, “Where is my baby?!”The doctor replies, “They are both fine, you have a beautiful boy and girl.Your husband went back to work and you were out so long that your b
5.
These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heavenWhen they get there, StPeter greets them and tells them, “We only have one rule here in heavenDon't step on the ducks.”So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all o
These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heavenWhen they get there, StPeter greets them and tells them, “We only have one rule here in heavenDon't step on the ducks.”So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all o
6.
One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone.In a worried state, she awakens her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!
One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone.In a worried state, she awakens her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!
7.
He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.He awoke before the Pearly Gates.StPeter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”Ralph was stunned. “I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!”StPeter
He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.He awoke before the Pearly Gates.StPeter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”Ralph was stunned. “I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!”StPeter
8.
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down.As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says,“If you put a little rubber thin
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down.As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says,“If you put a little rubber thin
9.
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day.”The professor says “I'll be an elementary school teacherWhat can be so hard abo
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day.”The professor says “I'll be an elementary school teacherWhat can be so hard abo
10.
A doctor just finishes his check-up with a man.Dr: I've got good new and bad newsWhich do you want to hear first?Patient: I guess the bad news.Dr: Well, you only have about 3 months to live and there's nothing else we can doI'm sorry.Patient: (starts cryi
A doctor just finishes his check-up with a man.Dr: I've got good new and bad newsWhich do you want to hear first?Patient: I guess the bad news.Dr: Well, you only have about 3 months to live and there's nothing else we can doI'm sorry.Patient: (starts cryi
11.
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
‘Fred,’ he replies.
‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.
‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
‘Fred,’ he replies.
‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.
‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give
12.
Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughingConfused, he asks them why they're happy.They tell him, “Well, it's been bitterly cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty.”Satan, annoyed, st
Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughingConfused, he asks them why they're happy.They tell him, “Well, it's been bitterly cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty.”Satan, annoyed, st
13.
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital.
The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery.
He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure.
The woman would be connected to a machine that would trans
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital.
The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery.
He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure.
The woman would be connected to a machine that would trans
14.
One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurtsI guess I should see a doctor.”His friend said, “Don't do thatThere's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.Simply put in a sample of your ur
One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurtsI guess I should see a doctor.”His friend said, “Don't do thatThere's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.Simply put in a sample of your ur
15.
A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands.He wa
A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands.He wa
16.
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his.The neighbour happened to be a lawyer.Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said:Hey,
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his.The neighbour happened to be a lawyer.Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said:Hey,
17.
… and there's a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.He's been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn't have the courage to start talking to her.Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the m
… and there's a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.He's been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn't have the courage to start talking to her.Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the m
18.
A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on itIn order the figures were:A Woman. A Donkey. A Shovel. A Fish. A Star of David.After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the lea
A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on itIn order the figures were:A Woman. A Donkey. A Shovel. A Fish. A Star of David.After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the lea
19.
… so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little.Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing!“… On the road again, just can't wait to g
… so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little.Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing!“… On the road again, just can't wait to g
20.
Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk.Paul asked Kurt, “So, what do you hunt?”Kurt answered, “I hunt unicorns.”Paul was startled, but said, “Really? How do you do that?”Kurt replied, “I find a pure and hire her to help meThe pure
Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk.Paul asked Kurt, “So, what do you hunt?”Kurt answered, “I hunt unicorns.”Paul was startled, but said, “Really? How do you do that?”Kurt replied, “I find a pure and hire her to help meThe pure
21.
Year after year Bubba’s wife pleaded with him to take her fishing but he kept telling her she would not enjoy it.
She, finally, wore him down, he consented, and early one morning they took off to the lake.
They had not been there very long when the
Year after year Bubba’s wife pleaded with him to take her fishing but he kept telling her she would not enjoy it.
She, finally, wore him down, he consented, and early one morning they took off to the lake.
They had not been there very long when the
22.
Jack and Lydia are on holiday in France with their friends, Mike and Anna.Mike loves to visit historical buildingsJack agrees to sightsee some historical buildings with him.Lydia and Anna decide to shop in the city“See you boys when we get back!” the girl
Jack and Lydia are on holiday in France with their friends, Mike and Anna.Mike loves to visit historical buildingsJack agrees to sightsee some historical buildings with him.Lydia and Anna decide to shop in the city“See you boys when we get back!” the girl
23.
Three old ladies – Gertrude, Maude and Tilly – were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation.Suddenly, a handsome young man dressed only in a trench coat approached them from across the parkHe was holding his coat together with his hands and di
Three old ladies – Gertrude, Maude and Tilly – were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation.Suddenly, a handsome young man dressed only in a trench coat approached them from across the parkHe was holding his coat together with his hands and di
24.
During a shortage of eligible men, a bear, a pig and a rabbit are called up for national service.While waiting for the medical examinations, they all admit they're terrified of being killed.‘I'm ungainly and pink,' says the pig, truthfully.‘The enemy will
During a shortage of eligible men, a bear, a pig and a rabbit are called up for national service.While waiting for the medical examinations, they all admit they're terrified of being killed.‘I'm ungainly and pink,' says the pig, truthfully.‘The enemy will
25.
A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said,
“I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”
“Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained.
“Tell me some good news for once.”
“Alright, here’s some good news,”
said the secr
A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said,
“I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”
“Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained.
“Tell me some good news for once.”
“Alright, here’s some good news,”
said the secr
26.
A man in Sydney walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuceThe boy working in the produce department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.The man was insistent that the boy ask the manage
A man in Sydney walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuceThe boy working in the produce department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.The man was insistent that the boy ask the manage
27.
An insurance company asked for more information regarding a work-related accident claimThis was the response:“I put ‘poor planning' as the cause of my accidentI am an amateur radio operator and was working on the top section of my new 80 foot tower.When I
An insurance company asked for more information regarding a work-related accident claimThis was the response:“I put ‘poor planning' as the cause of my accidentI am an amateur radio operator and was working on the top section of my new 80 foot tower.When I
28.
Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:“Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.I know you're about my ageHow do you feel?”Slim says, “I feel just
Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:“Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.I know you're about my ageHow do you feel?”Slim says, “I feel just
29.
A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over.The cop says to the man, “Are you aware of how fast you were going?”The man replies, “Yes, I amI'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.”The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, “Were you t
A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over.The cop says to the man, “Are you aware of how fast you were going?”The man replies, “Yes, I amI'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.”The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, “Were you t
30.
He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve, so he thought he might just as well ask them.“I've got two things for you, but you'll have to decide who gets what. The first thing is the ability to pee standing up…”Adam interrupted, “Oh please
He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve, so he thought he might just as well ask them.“I've got two things for you, but you'll have to decide who gets what. The first thing is the ability to pee standing up…”Adam interrupted, “Oh please
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Eng Jokes
