Best Jokes That Will Instantly Lift Your Mood 03

1.



A lady went to a doctor’s office where she was seen by a Doctor.
A few minutes into the examination, screeching could be heard from the room, and then the lady burst out of the room as if running for her life.
After much effort a nurse finally managed to calm her down enough to tell her story.
The nurse barged into the office of the Doctor and screamed, “shame on you, Mrs. Smith is 82 years old, and you told her she’s pregnant.”
The Doctor continued writing calmly and barely looking up said, “does she still have the hiccups?”
Three old ladies are sitting
A doctor remarked on his patients

2.



A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist’s office.
The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter.
“She has been having some strange symptoms and I’m worried about her,” the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, “Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant.”
The mother gasped, “That’s nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men.”
She turned to the girl. “You don’t, do you, dear?”
“No, mummy,” said the girl.
“Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!”
The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again.
Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.
He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, “Doctor, is there something wrong out there?”
“No, Madam,” said the doctor.
“It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up.”
A husband exclaims to his wife one day
A policeman pulled over a car

3.



A young man strides into a chemist and asks for a packet of protections.
The pharmacist replies: “They come in packs of three, nine, or 12. Which would you like?”
“Well,” the young man begins confidently,
“I’ve been seeing this girl and she’s really hot.
I want the protections because I think tonight’s the night.
We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going away for the weekend.
Once she has seen what I’m like in the sack, I reckon she’ll want me all the time.
So you’d better give me a packet of 12.”
The pharmacist hands over the protections, and the young man leaves, all puffed up and proud.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.
Before they begin, however, he suddenly asks if they can say grace.
The family agrees, but is taken aback when the young man continues praying silently for several minutes,…
Once the grace has finished.
Eventually, his girlfriend leans over and whispers,
“You never told me you were so religious.”
The young man leans back and whispers,
“You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”
John was a salesman’s delight when
Miss Wilson is teaching her class

4.



Two Irishmen were talking: The first asks, “Connor, you know that guy Trump who is running for President?”
Connor says, “I do Sean, I do.”
“Well”, says Sean, “The next time he gets up to talk, I’d like to see someone throw a shoe at his head”.
“Now, now, you know you’re not supposed to wish harm on anyone”, says Connor.
“Oh!” says Sean, “I’m not wishing him harm, and I just want to see Donald duck.”
A man and his dog walk into a bar
A lady was sitting with a guy in a plane

5.



The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”
“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.”
“But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”
A wealthy old lady decides to photo safari in Africa
A man and a friend are playing golf

6.



A guys walking down the street with a bag of rabbit droppings, he runs into one of his friends who asks what’s in the bag.
Guy says “Smart Pills,”
His friend says “Gimme one of them Smart Pills.”
Then reaches in the bag without hesitating what his friend says and pops a handful of them in his mouth before his friend say something.
He looks at the guy and says “These smart pills taste like uhghhhh,”
Guy says “You’re getting smarter already.”
A guy sits down in a movie theater
A rabbit and a bear were walking in the forest

7.



A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.
When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, “Sweetie, why don’t you give me a blowjob?”
“What? You’re crazy!”
“Don’t worry, it will be quick, no problem.”
“No!! Someone may see – a relative, a neighbor…”
“At this time of the night? No one will show up…”
“I’ve already said No, and NO!”
“Honey, it’s just a small blowier…I know you’d like it, too…”
“No! I’ve said NO!”
“My love… Don’t be like that…”
At this moment, the girlfriend’s younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder.
Rubbing her eyes, she says, “Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God’s sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!”
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting
A kid comes home from school

8.



Some ecclesiastical gentlemen — a cardinal, a couple of bishops and some others — were waiting outside the Pearly Gates for St. Peter to open up.
He finally arrived, but just they were about to enter heaven St. Peter asked them to wait a moment and let a new arrival through first.
A sweet young thing in a mini-skirt arrived and was ushered through.
The cardinal was a bit upset about this and demanded an explanation from St. Peter.
After all, they had been waiting outside for quite some time and were pillars of the church.
How could a girl in a mini-skirt deserve better treatment?
St. Peter smiled and told him, “While she was alive, that young lady drove a little yellow sports car.
She regularly jumped red lights, overtook on blind corners, and generally scared the devil out of more people than all of you combined.
There was a loser
Morris had died

9.



The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home.
He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling…
“CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! MORE OIL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM NOW!!! WE NEED MORE OIL!!! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!! CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!”
The wife was very upset, “What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don’t know how to fry an egg?”
The husband calmly replied, “This is to show you what it feels like for me when I am driving and you sit next to me…”
Two guys were in a bar
A young boy enters a barber shop

10.



The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn’t work, and the church didn’t have the funds for any repairs.
Then, the priest got a brilliant idea.
He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover.
At the next service, he took out a cross on a chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance.
He said, “I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate.”
They did, and he had the church’s roof fixed that week.
This worked so well that on the next Sunday, he decided to do it again.
Taking his cross out, he proclaimed, “I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate.”
They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone.
His third Sunday, he got to thinking, “I haven’t been paid in a long time, I deserve a little money.”
He started swinging his cross again, and he thought, “I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money.”
I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach.
I deserve a lot more.
The crowd was hypnotized, but he got so excited about what he wanted to receive that his hands started to sweat, and as the chain slipped from his grip and hit the floor.
The General went out to find
A 24 year old boy

11.



As a group of frogs was traveling through the woods, two of them fell into a deep pit.
When the other frogs crowded around the pit and saw how deep it was, they told the two frogs that there was no hope left for them.
However, the two frogs decided to ignore what the others were saying and they proceeded to try and jump out of the pit.
Despite their efforts, the group of frogs at the top of the pit were still saying that they should just give up.
That they would never make it out.
Eventually, one of the frogs took heed to what the others were saying and he gave up, falling down to his death.
The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die.
He jumped even harder and finally made it out.
When he got out, the other frogs said, “Did you not hear us?”
The frog explained to them that he was deaf.
He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.
Moral of the story: People’s words can have a big effect on others’ lives. Think about what you say before it comes out of your mouth.
This guy come into a bar and asks bartender
A new captain becomes leader of a company

12.



A lawyer is talking to his client.
He says, “I have some good news, and I have some bad news.”
The client says, “I could use some good news. What is it?”
“You ex-wife is not making you pay on further inheritance.”
“Great! Now what’s the bad news?”
“Well, uh… she’s marrying your father.”
Four strangers traveled together
A co-worker told John

13.



A man working in an IT company became sick.
He consulted many multi-facility hospitals but still couldn’t get cured…
He was sad.
Then his wife advised, “why don’t you consult a veterinary doctor?”
He was shocked.
He screamed at her, ‘Are you mad?’
She spoke softly ‘Nothing happened to me… It is you have a problem. You wake up early in the morning like cock, take a half bath like a crow, eat something like a monkey, and then run to the office like a racehorse, there you work like a donkey, and you scream to your juniors like a wild bear, evening you reach home and bark at us like a dog, then you eat like a crocodile, at night you go to bed and sleep like a buffalo.
That’s the reason why I asked you to meet a veterinary doctor.’
The man just sat and gaped at her.
The wife asked, Now why are u looking at me like an owl?’
A man goes into a pet shop
A man and his wife were driving

14.



Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones.
One of them asks the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”
The guard replies, “They are 73 million, four years, and six months old.”
“That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist.
“How do you know their age so precisely?”
The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”
A duck walks into a general store
The Dog, The Rooster And The Fox

15.



A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip:
An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says.
“I’ve just been molested!”
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.
So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just flirted.
The driver thought he had a busload of old wackos, but who would be flirting with these old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she’d too.
The bus driver decides that he’d had enough and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
“Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?” Says the bus driver.
“I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!”
A old man and his wife are in bed
A old lady calls 911 late one night

16.



A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long train journey.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun.
“I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00,” he says.
This catches the senior’s attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
“What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?”
The senior doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the senior’s turn.
He asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.
After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00.
The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes the senior up and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”
The senior reaches into his pocket hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.
Age will overcome youth and technology anytime.
A professor sits with a farmer in a train
An elderly patient in a mental hospital

17.



A blonde wanting to earn extra money decided to do odd jobs for her wealthy neighbors.
At the first house, the owner said, “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?
“$50” she replies.
The man agrees and gives her the paint and brushes and goes back in the house.
The man’s wife overheard their conversation and asked him if she had realized that the porch goes all around the house.
“She should. She was standing on it”
A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’ve finished already?” the man asked.
“Yeah, and I had paint left over so I painted two coats.”
Impressed the man reaches for the money.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a porch. It’s a Lexus.”
A man walked into the bar
A wife went to the police station

18.



Adam woke up suddenly, sweating all over.
“What’s the problem”, asked his wife.
“Are you OK?”
“I just dreamed that I died!” responded a shaken Adam.
“And it was so bad up there, and that’s why you’re sweating all over?” asked his wife.
A “You bet!” exclaimed Adam.
“I got up there, and was right in front of G-d himself, when he suddenly sneezed…..and I didn’t know what to say to him! Whoa was that traumatic!”
Barry and hannah couch watching TV
A Amish girl and her mother

19.



A couple were driving home late at night in the pouring rain when their car accidentally ran over a badger.
They got out of the car to see whether it was still alive, and found that although it was very cold, the animal was still breathing.
“What shall we do?” said the wife.
“I know,” said the husband.
“Put it between your legs to warm it up.”
“But it’s all wet and it stinks!”
“Well, cover the badger’s nose then!”
A young boy caught sight of his mother
A man was on a bus tour

20.



Paddy’s friend is hit by a car so he phones for an ambulance.
Paddy: ‘Get an ambulance here quick, he’s bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broke.’
Operator: ‘What’s your location sir?’
Paddy: ‘Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street …’
Operator: ‘How do you spell that sir?’
Silence… (heavy breathing).
Operator: ‘Are you there sir?’
More heavy breathing a minute later.
Operator: ‘Sir, can you hear me?’
Repeated and repeated until….
Operator in mode: ‘Sir, please answer me can you still hear me?’
Paddy: ‘Sorry bout dat… I couldn’t spell Eucalyptus, so I’ve dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .’
A father buys a lie detector robot
A motorcycle police officer

21.



A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground and called out “Daddy, come and see what these two funny spiders are doing.”
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention
He noticed she was looking at two Daddy Long legs in the process of making baby Daddy Long legs.
The Dad smiled and said “They’re just mating Sweetheart.”
“What do you call the spider on top?” the daughter asked.
“Daddy Long legs” the father replied
“So, the other one is a Mommy long legs?” the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied “No dear
Both of them are Daddy Long legs.”
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then stood up, says “RIGHT!!” raises her foot and, *CRUNCH*, stomps them flat and said, “We’re having none of that Broke back-Mountain.
The John’s grandpa
Three brothers each marry a woman

22.



A bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a pure and I don’t know anything about make love. Can you explain it to me first?”
“Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison.”
And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles and says, “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time, the bride says, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”
The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.
The bride again says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again,” to which the husband yelled, ”
Hey, it’s not a life sentence!!!”
A man was going up to bed
A blonde was summoned to court to appear

23.



A man stops by his doctor’s office.
He tells his doctor of his concern for his wife’s hearing.
“She doesn’t answer me when I ask her questions.” He told his doctor.
After a lengthy conversation, the doctor thinks of a simple test the man can do:
“Stand about twenty feet behind your wife and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move five feet closer and ask again. Do this until she answers you and you’ll know how bad her hearing loss is.”
The man, ecstatic at the idea of having of analyzing his wife’s hearing problem, runs home.
When he arrives he finds his wife preparing dinner in the kitchen.
Following his doctor’s instructions, the man stood twenty feet behind his wife and asks “What’s for dinner, honey?”
No response from his wife, so the man steps five feet closer and asks again: “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
No answer again. The man steps five feet closer putting him about ten feet behind his wife and asks again: “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
No answer. The man steps five feet closer and asks again: “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
“Jesus!” The man’s wife yells.
“For the fourth time: We’re having meatloaf!”
Two old couples got together
Mr. Smith is reading his morning paper

24.



A chemist comes back from his lunch break.
He finds his assistant busy behind the counter, and a man twitching while leaning against the wall.
“What’s going on?” he asks. The assistant tells him that the man came in for some cough syrup.
“Well, did you give it to him?” asks the chemist.
“No, we didn’t have any,” replies the assistant. “So what *have* you given him?” asks the chemist.
“Laxatives,” replies the assistant.
The chemists stares at the assistant, then the man, then back again.
And the assistant says, “Well, he doesn’t want to cough now.”
Once there was a young man whose friends
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer

25.



A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, “Let’s talk I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger.
“How about nuclear power?” “OK,” said Little Johnny.
“That could be an interesting topic but let me ask you a question first.”
“A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass the same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass why do you suppose that is?”
“Jeez,” said the stranger.
“I have no idea.”
“Well, then,” said Little Johnny, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”
The trooper walks up
Basketball injury

26.



The Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit.
He asked the driver her name.
She said, “I’m Mrs. Ladislav from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Tallahassee.”
The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, “Well… OK… but don’t let me catch you speeding again.”
Frank always looked on the bright side
A young blonde visiting her doctor

27.



John was talking to his fiance, Rebecca.
He said, “Be honest now, baby, how am I as a lover?”
To which she replied, “Honey, I would definitely say that you’re warm.”
“Really?” he asked excitedly.
“Yes, in fact I would say that you’re the dictionary definition of the word ‘warm.'”
John was pleased until he went home and just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, “WARM: Not so hot.”
Two guys are walking through
Two women are walking home

28.



A young woman was preparing for her wedding.
She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.
Well, Mom forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie.
She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.
After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room.
The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there.
She exclaimed, “Oh no! It’s short, pink, and wrinkled!”
Then her groom cried out, “I told you not to peek!”
A married couple moves into to a new home
They walked down to their old school

29.



Following a vow of silence, none of the monks were allowed to speak at all.
But there was one exception to this rule every ten years, the monks were permitted to speak just two words.
After spending his first ten years at the monastery, one monk went to the head monk.
“It has been ten years,” said the head monk.
“What are the two words you would like to speak?”
“Bed… hard…” said the monk.
“I see,” replied the head monk.
Ten years later, the monk returned to the head monk’s office.
“It has been ten more years,” said the head monk.
“What are the two words you would like to speak?”
“Food… awful…” said the monk.
“I see,” replied the head monk.
Yet another ten years passed and the monk once again met with the head monk who asked, “What are your two words now, after these ten years?”
The priest asks a little Joey
A Samurai who was known

30.



A merchant sent his son to learn the Secret of Happiness from the wisest of men.
The young man wandered through the desert for forty days until he reached a beautiful castle at the top of a mountain.
There lived the sage that the young man was looking for.
However, instead of finding a holy man, our hero entered a room and saw a great deal of activity; merchants coming and going, people chatting in the corners, a small orchestra playing sweet melodies, and there was a table laden with the most delectable dishes of that part of the world.
The wise man talked to everybody, and the young man had to wait for two hours until it was time for his audience.
With considerable patience, he listened attentively to the reason for the boy’s visit, but told him that at that moment he did not have the time to explain to him the Secret of Happiness.
He suggested that the young man take a stroll around his palace and come back in two hours’ time.
“However, I want to ask you a favor,” he added, handing the boy a teaspoon, in which he poured two drops of oil.
“While you walk, carry this spoon and don’t let the oil spill.”
The young man began to climb up and down the palace staircases, always keeping his eyes fixed on the spoon at the end of two hours he returned to the presence of the wise man.
“So,” asked the sage, “did you see the Persian tapestries hanging in my dining room? Did you see the garden that the Master of Gardeners took ten years to create? Did you notice the beautiful parchments in my library?”
Embarrassed, the young man confessed that he had seen nothing his only concern was not to spill the drops of oil that the wise man had entrusted to him.
“So, go back and see the wonders of my world,” said the wise man.
“You can’t trust a man if you don’t know his house.”
Now more at ease, the young man took the spoon and strolled again through the palace, this time paying attention to all the works of art that hung from the ceiling and walls.
He saw the gardens, the mountains all around the palace, the delicacy of the flowers, the taste with which each work of art was placed in its niche returning to the sage, he reported in detail all that he had seen.
“But where are the two drops of oil that I entrusted to you?” asked the sage.
Looking down at the spoon, the young man realized that he had spilled the oil.
“Well, that is the only advice I have to give you,” said the sage of sages.
“The Secret of Happiness lies in looking at all the wonders of the world and never forgetting the two drops of oil in the spoon.”
Near Tokyo lived a great Samurai
Two men were traveling in company