Hilarious Jokes Collection to Share with Your Friends 02

1.



Every Sunday afternoon a mother found a candy bar wrapper in her young son’s room.
She finally had to ask: “Johnny, why do I find a candy bar wrapper in your room every Sunday after church?”
He answered by saying that God gave him the money and he used it to buy a candy bar.
The mother quickly replied.
“God gave it to you? How did this happen?”
“Well Mom, you give me a dollar to give to God.”
“So before church every Sunday I throw it up into the air. I figure if God wants it he’ll take it. If not, it will fall back down to me.”
Little Sally asked her dad
A couple in the backyard

2.



Once upon a time an old man and a young man were living nearby.
The old man spread rumors that his young neighbor was a thief.
As a result, the young man was arrested by the police and brought to magistrate.
Days later the young man was proven innocent.
After been released he sued the old man for wrongly accusing him.
In court the old man told the Judge:
He just made comments, didn’t harm anyone..
The judge, before passing sentence on the case, told the old man:
Write all the things you said about him on a piece of paper.
Cut them up and on the way home, throw the pieces of paper out.
Tomorrow, come back to hear the sentence.
The next day, the judge told the old man: Before receiving the sentence, you will have to go out and gather all the pieces of paper that you threw out yesterday.
The old man said: I can’t do that ! The wind spread them and I won’t know where to find them.
The judge then replied: The same way, simple comments may destroy the honor of a man to such an extent that one is not able to fix it.
“If you can’t speak well of someone, rather don’t say anythıng.”
Let’s all be masters of our mouths, so that we won’t be slaves of our words.
A elderly man in Louisiana
A armed robber

3.



A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
“Objection!” said the defense attorney. “Irrelevant!”
“Oh, that’s okay,” said the blonde from the witness stand.
“I don’t mind answering the question.”
“I object!” the defense said again.
“No, really,” said the blonde. “I’ll answer.”
The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”
So the prosecutor repeated the question: “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
The blonde replied brightly, “I don’t know.”
A bride tells her husband
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables

4.



The librarian handed the chicken a book and the bird left.
Ten minutes later, the chicken returned, tossed the book on the desk and said: ‘book, book, book, book’.
The librarian handed the chicken a different book and the chicken left.
Ten minutes later, the chicken brought the book back, threw it on the desk and said: ‘book, book, book, book’.
The librarian handed the chicken a third book but this time decided to follow the bird.
He saw the chicken hurry down the street and stop at the village pond where a frog was sitting on a lily pad.
The chicken showed the book to the frog but the frog shook its head and said: ‘read-it, read-it, read-it’.
A dead donkey in his front yard
Two women sitting in the doctor waiting room

5.



After a thorough physical examination:
Doctor: “We can’t find anything physically wrong with you that would turn your weapon orange.
I’ll be honest, I’ve never seen anything like this, perhaps it’s a psychological issue.
Have you been under a lot of stress lately, maybe at your job?”
Man: “Well I did just get laid off.”
Doctor: “Well there you go, maybe that’s it.”
Man: “No, that can’t be it because I got a new job soon after. It’s great, I have way better hours and I’m making more money than I ever have.”
Doctor: “Oh, well what about at home?”
Man: “I did go through a divorce recently.”
Doctor: “Hmmm… that could be it then.”
Man: “That can’t be it either because I just started dating someone who is gorgeous and way better to me than my ex ever was.”
Doctor: “Well I don’t know what to say, what do you do for hobbies?”
Man: “Oh, I mostly sit around watching porn and eating Cheetos.”
Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane
A Man wishes every night

6.



An elderly couple was driving across the country.
While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”
The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”
The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”
The woman then gave the officer her license.
“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said.
“I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”
The old man replied, “He said he knows you!”
Two women were playing golf
A Elderly Cowboy Slim Joe

7.



A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes!
He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants make love, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
His wife responds, “He wasn’t kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was queer, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!”
Dylan was practicing his golf swing
A affair with his secretary

8.



A typical tough-guy husband marries a beautiful, easygoing woman.
After the wedding, he lays down the law:
“I’ll come home whenever I want, stay out as late as I like, and I expect no complaints from you. Dinner should be ready unless I say I won’t be home.
I’ll go out hunting, fishing, drinking, and playing cards with my friends whenever I please, and I expect no push back. Those are my rules. Any questions?”
His new wife responds with a smile, “No problem! Just know that every night at seven, there will be make love here whether you’re home or not.”
A elderly couple was attending church
A little girl was sitting and watching her mother

9.



A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.
The surprised girl said,
“What was that?”
The guy smiled at her,
“Direct marketing!”
The girl slapped him soundly.
“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.
“Customer feedback.”
A man spitting and cussing on a corner
A man eagerly waited at the train station

10.



Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other,
“Are you a little girl or a little boy?”
“I don’t know,” replied the other baby giggling.
“What do you mean, you don’t know?” said the first baby.
“I mean I don’t know how to tell the difference,” was the reply.
“Well, I do,” said the first baby chuckling, “I’ll climb into your crib and find out.”
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby’s crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.
After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
“You’re a little girl, and I’m a little boy,” he said proudly.
“You’re ever so clever,” cooed the baby girl, “but how can you tell?”
“It’s quite easy really,” replied the baby boy,
“You’ve got pink socks and I’ve got blue ones.”
SHAME ON YOU, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
Baby Love, Cup Of Tea & Dad
A man comes home with his little daughter

11.



Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when a loud cried out:
“Jesus is watching you.”
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
“Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks
He looked around frantically.
In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
“Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” he asked.
“Yes”, said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot:
“What’s your name?”
“Clarence,” said the bird.
“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar.
“What idiot named you Clarence?”
“The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus,” the parrot replied.
A anthropologist studying
A little bird was flying

12.



Two medical students were walking along the street.
When they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”
The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”
Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”
The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”
The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought but you are wrong.”
The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought but you are wrong.”
So they asked him, “Well, old-timer, what do you have?”
The old man said, “I thought it was gas but I was wrong, too!”
The old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon
Two old men decide they are close

13.



A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the Village that they offered a standing £1000 bet.
The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop.
Weightlifters, arm wrestlers, they all tried and lost the bet.
Then one day, a scrawny wee man, if he stood sideways you would not see him wearing scratched glasses, a ten-year-old polyester suit, walked in and said, “I’d like to take on the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the barman said, “Okay,” grabbed the lemon and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the lemon rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the wee man clenched his little fist around the lemon and squeezed it, and a drop fell into the glass.
Then he squeezed some more, and another drop fell from the lemon.
Without a word, the wee man squeezed some more, and a third drop fell into the glass.
The crowd in the bar were astonished and speechless.
As the barman paid the £1000 bet, he asked, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker, a weight-lifter, or what?”
The little man quietly replied: “I’m a tax collector.”
Two men died and went to Heaven
A elderly man goes into confession

14.



A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem:
The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.
Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
Look, it’s not the same hat.
Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk.
The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After a week the parrot finally said:
OK. I give up. What’d you do with the boat?
Three women are talking about
There was an old lady who was very small

15.



A drunk man walks out of a bar and sees an ambulance speeding down the street with it’s sirens blaring.
The drunk man dashes after the ambulance at full speed, finally collapsing on the floor, two blocks later.
The man then looks at the ambulance speeding away, and screams on the top of his lungs,
“I don’t care, keep your stupid ice cream.”
Bill’s second Anniversary was coming
A cop pulled over a car

16.



A man goes to take out a loan.
The loan officer comes over immediately.
“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.
“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.
The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.
So, the man holds out his hand and opens his palm, saying: “These are the keys to my car, which is sitting out front. Here are the documents, as well”.
The loan officer peeks out the window and sees a brand new Ferrari parallel parked directly in front of the bank.
“One moment, please.”
The loan officer walks into a back office to consult with the president of the bank.
Everything checks out. So, after sharing a laugh with the president at this man leaving a $750,000 car as security for a $5,000 loan, the loan officer returns and tells the man that they will happily accept the Ferrari.
An employee of the bank then drives the car into the bank’s underground garage and parks it.
Two weeks later, the man returns and pays the $5,000 plus interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer smiles and says: “Sir, we are very happy to have your business. This transaction has worked out very nicely. But to be honest, we are a little bit puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. So what puzzled us is why you’d bother to borrow $5,000?”
The man replies: “Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for just $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up bartender
Johnny and Susie were playing

17.



A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner.
They are enjoying their time,
While talking with each other,
The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top.
“Oh no, I look like a pig!”
The man nods, “And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!”
A man and his wife of more than 50 years
The doctor called the wife into his office

18.



A farmer buys a young rooster.
As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes & bangs all 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch.
At lunch, the rooster again mating all 150 hens.
The farmer gets a bit worried now.
The next day, he finds the rooster bang the ducks, geese, & a parrot too which is now scaring him.
Later that day, he finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead with vultures circling over its head.
The farmer says, “You horny bastard, you deserve this.”
The rooster opens one eye, points up, & whispers, “Shh! Don’t shout, let them land!”
A rabbit hops into a pub
They were all trapped on an island

19.



A man get a call girl and during a particularly good love making session decides to eat her out.
During his meal he notices a piece of carrot protruding from her lady lips, not wishing to cause a scene he throws the carrot over his shoulder and continues pleasuring her.
After a brief time he notices a small green pea wedged just under her clit, suddenly filled with disgust the man jumps up and screams his findings to the call girl.
He then proceeds to ask her are u sick or something?
The call girl looks at him sheepishly and says no, but the guy before you was.
3 thieves rob a bank
Three mice are sitting in a bar

20.



A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.
The mother mouse says, “BARK!!” and the cat runs away.
The mother mouse then says to her baby,
“See how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?”
A old man is walking along the street
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter

21.



Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace.
When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”
To that she replies “Well, come here and I’ll warm them between my legs.”
He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.
When he returns, he again says, “Honey, my hands are really freezing!”
She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse
A female teacher was having a problem

22.



During their vocabulary session the teacher begins her lesson with the word Contagious.
So the teacher asks, “Can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?”
And of course, there is a little girl in the front who raises her hand.
“The flu is very contagious.”
“Very good, Melissa.”
“Can anyone else give us another sentence?” The teacher asks.
Another little boy in the front.
“It is good to cover you mouth when you sneeze because germs are contagious.”
“Very good, Brad” says the teacher.
She then turns her attention to the Irish exchange student who is definitely the shy one of the bunch.
“Finn? Can you think of one?”
Finn thinks for a moment.
“Well, my father used to always laugh at the old neighbor because he would always try to paint the fence with a toothbrush.”
The teacher and I were both puzzled.
“I’m not really sure what that has to do with our word contagious.”
Finn shrugs and with his magnificent Irish accent replies,
“Well, I just know that my father would always say that, It was going to take the contagious”
A magic fairy
A certain king of Spain

23.



A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but was meeting with considerable sales resistance.
“Shucks, I’d sooner spend my money on a cow,” said the farmer.
“Ah,” replied the salesman, “but think how silly you’d look riding around on a cow.”
“Humph!” retorted the farmer. “Not near as silly as I’d look trying to milk a bicycle!”
Three rats are sitting at the bar
A doctor just finishes his check-up

24.



A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.
She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.
She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied, “Just a stupid can of peaches.”
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, “I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store.”
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone, “Nine! But why do you care about that?”
The judge answered patiently, “Well, ma’am because I’m going to give you nine days in jail one day for each peach.”
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady’s long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, “Yes sir, what do you have to add?”
The husband said meekly, “Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas.”
A elderly couple a priest and a doctor
Alan’s wife called him as he was at pub

25.



An extremely modest old man was in the hospital for a series of tests.
The last test had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
An elderly drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard barely containing his laughter who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked,
“What the heck is going on here?”
The drunk, still staring down replied:
“I think I just be****t the sh***************t out of a ghost”
A old man accidentally crashed his car
A man was crossing a road one day

26.



A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning gray?”
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child:
“It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs gray!”
The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only gray hairs on her head.”
He staggers into the bedroom
A husband look at his wife one day and said

27.



A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband.
“it is 3 o’clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it is 3 o’clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!”
Well, you have a short memory. Can’t you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? “I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
“Hello, are you still there?” Do you still need a push? calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing!”… replies the drunk.
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool
A old man notices his wife is having trouble hearing

28.



Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teen aged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
A old man lived in the village
A shepherd and a huge flock of sheep

29.



A 6th-grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars.
One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity.
Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand.
With complete sincerity in his voice, answered, “A lawyer!”
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself
A wife arriving home to find her husband in bed

30.



Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two’s hand.
Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, “What is this?” to which accountant number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”
A little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer
She noticed several machetes in the car