1.
There are three girls at a bar, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde.
They have a seat at the bar.
The bar tender says, “If you go into the bathroom there is a mirror. Look into the mirror and tell anything in your life that you believe is true. If you are telling the truth then “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out, if you lie then “POOF” you’ll disappear.”
So the red head goes in first and stares deeply into the mirror and proclaims, “I think that i am the most beautiful woman in the world!”, “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out.
Then the brunette goes in. “I think that i am the smartest woman in the world,” “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out.
Now it’s the blonde’s turn.
She slowly walks into the bathroom with her hands over her eyes and peeks between her fingers at the mirror.
She waits… nothing happens… she is glad.
She stands bravely and states, “I think… “POOF ” she disappears.
A old man was a witness in a burglary case
A man got really drunk one night
There are three girls at a bar, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde.
They have a seat at the bar.
The bar tender says, “If you go into the bathroom there is a mirror. Look into the mirror and tell anything in your life that you believe is true. If you are telling the truth then “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out, if you lie then “POOF” you’ll disappear.”
So the red head goes in first and stares deeply into the mirror and proclaims, “I think that i am the most beautiful woman in the world!”, “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out.
Then the brunette goes in. “I think that i am the smartest woman in the world,” “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out.
Now it’s the blonde’s turn.
She slowly walks into the bathroom with her hands over her eyes and peeks between her fingers at the mirror.
She waits… nothing happens… she is glad.
She stands bravely and states, “I think… “POOF ” she disappears.
A old man was a witness in a burglary case
A man got really drunk one night
2.
Teacher: “Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you?”
Students: “Eggs!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you?”
Students: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Students: “Homework!”
A young man was sitting in his office
A teacher asked her students
Teacher: “Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you?”
Students: “Eggs!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you?”
Students: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Students: “Homework!”
A young man was sitting in his office
A teacher asked her students
3.
Every day Nasreddin went to beg for alms in the market, and people used to make fun of him by playing the following trick:
They would show him two coins, one worth ten times more than the other, and Nasrudin would always choose the smaller coin.
The story went round the whole province.
Day after day, groups of men and women would show him the two coins, and Nasreddin would always choose the smaller one.
Then one day, a generous man, tired of seeing Nasreddin ridiculed in this fashion, beckoned him over to a corner of the square and said:
‘When they offer you two coins, you should choose the larger one.
That way you would earn more money and people wouldn’t consider you an idiot.’
‘That sounds like good advice,’ replied Nasreddin, ‘but if I chose the larger coin, people would stop offering me money, because they like to believe that I am even more stupid than they are.
You’ve no idea how much money I’ve earned using this trick.
“There’s nothing wrong with looking like a fool if, in fact, you’re being really clever.’
The Sufi master Shams Tabrizi’s disciples
The Unfortunate Man At The Bar
Every day Nasreddin went to beg for alms in the market, and people used to make fun of him by playing the following trick:
They would show him two coins, one worth ten times more than the other, and Nasrudin would always choose the smaller coin.
The story went round the whole province.
Day after day, groups of men and women would show him the two coins, and Nasreddin would always choose the smaller one.
Then one day, a generous man, tired of seeing Nasreddin ridiculed in this fashion, beckoned him over to a corner of the square and said:
‘When they offer you two coins, you should choose the larger one.
That way you would earn more money and people wouldn’t consider you an idiot.’
‘That sounds like good advice,’ replied Nasreddin, ‘but if I chose the larger coin, people would stop offering me money, because they like to believe that I am even more stupid than they are.
You’ve no idea how much money I’ve earned using this trick.
“There’s nothing wrong with looking like a fool if, in fact, you’re being really clever.’
The Sufi master Shams Tabrizi’s disciples
The Unfortunate Man At The Bar
4.
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor told them, “we have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from making love for two weeks.”
The couple agreed and came two weeks later.
The pastor asked them, “Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?”
“Pastor, I’m afraid we weren’t able to go two weeks without making love.” The younger man replied.
“What happened?” inquired the pastor.
“My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bend over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”
“You understand, of course, that this means you’ll not be welcome in our church,” stated the pastor.
“That is okay,” said the young man.
“we’re not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.”
Husband and wife talking in bed
A older couple were lying in bed
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor told them, “we have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from making love for two weeks.”
The couple agreed and came two weeks later.
The pastor asked them, “Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?”
“Pastor, I’m afraid we weren’t able to go two weeks without making love.” The younger man replied.
“What happened?” inquired the pastor.
“My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bend over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”
“You understand, of course, that this means you’ll not be welcome in our church,” stated the pastor.
“That is okay,” said the young man.
“we’re not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.”
Husband and wife talking in bed
A older couple were lying in bed
5.
A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.
He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.
He jumped in with his bag and shouted, “Let’s go!”
The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, “Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I am a photographer,” he responded, “and photographers take photographs.”
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally, he stammered, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”
A man & son going with their donkey to market
I was barely sitting down
A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.
He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.
He jumped in with his bag and shouted, “Let’s go!”
The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, “Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I am a photographer,” he responded, “and photographers take photographs.”
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally, he stammered, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”
A man & son going with their donkey to market
I was barely sitting down
6.
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk.
‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’
Puff! She’s gone.
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep.
‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’
Puff! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’
A woman was at her hairdresser’s
A frail old man went to live
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk.
‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’
Puff! She’s gone.
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep.
‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’
Puff! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’
A woman was at her hairdresser’s
A frail old man went to live
7.
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table…
He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,”
she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together.
Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.
He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is.
He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital
A Mafia Godfather finds out
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table…
He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,”
she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together.
Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.
He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is.
He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital
A Mafia Godfather finds out
8.
A salesman is talking to an old farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders:
He says. “What on earth is that all about?”
The old farmer says.
“We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm.”
“Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?”
The old farmer replied.
“There ain’t nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other!”
She turned to her class and said
A man boarded an aeroplane
A salesman is talking to an old farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders:
He says. “What on earth is that all about?”
The old farmer says.
“We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm.”
“Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?”
The old farmer replied.
“There ain’t nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other!”
She turned to her class and said
A man boarded an aeroplane
9.
An Irishman is in the bar, drinking a pint of Guinness.
A lady next To him says, “What a coincidence, I am having Guinness too.”
Irish man: “I’m celebrating.”
Lady: “Me too.”
Irish man: “What a coincidence! Why are you celebrating?”
Lady: “My husband & I have tried for 4 years for a baby. Today I’m pregnant!”
Irishman: “What a coincidence! I am a farmer. For 4 years my hens couldn’t lay any eggs. Today all are laying eggs!”
Lady: “Wow! How did that happen?”
Irishman: “I used a different tool.”
Lady smiled and said, “WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!”
She saw her daughter with a vibrator
A old man goes to his doctor
An Irishman is in the bar, drinking a pint of Guinness.
A lady next To him says, “What a coincidence, I am having Guinness too.”
Irish man: “I’m celebrating.”
Lady: “Me too.”
Irish man: “What a coincidence! Why are you celebrating?”
Lady: “My husband & I have tried for 4 years for a baby. Today I’m pregnant!”
Irishman: “What a coincidence! I am a farmer. For 4 years my hens couldn’t lay any eggs. Today all are laying eggs!”
Lady: “Wow! How did that happen?”
Irishman: “I used a different tool.”
Lady smiled and said, “WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!”
She saw her daughter with a vibrator
A old man goes to his doctor
10.
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender, “Could I get a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?”
The bartender is taken aback but serves the rabbit his order.
The rabbit enjoys his beer, devours the toastie, and then leaves.
The next night, the rabbit returns and once again requests a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Word has spread, and the pub is buzzing with curious patrons.
The bartender serves the rabbit, who eats and drinks before heading out.
By the third night, the pub is packed to the brim. As the rabbit walks in and orders his usual, the crowd falls silent in anticipation.
The bartender hands over the pint and toastie, and the room erupts in applause as the rabbit finishes his meal and exits.
On the fourth night, there’s standing room only. People have travelled from far and wide just to witness this unusual guest.
The bartender is making more money in a week than he did all of last year.
But when the rabbit walks in and asks for his usual, the bartender’s face falls.
“I’m sorry, my friend,” he says, “but we’re all out of Ham and Cheese Toasties.”
The rabbit looks shocked, and the pub goes so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
The bartender nervously offers, “But we do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie. I promise you’ll love it.”
The rabbit eyes him carefully. “Are you sure?” he asks.
With a grin, the bartender replies, “I wouldn’t steer you wrong. Trust me, you’ll love it.”
“Alright,” says the rabbit, “I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.”
The pub bursts into cheers as the rabbit enjoys his meal, waves to the crowd, and leaves… never to return.
A year later, the pub is in decline.
The bartender, who has only served a handful of drinks that night—most of them to himself—calls last orders.
As he’s cleaning up, he notices a small white figure hovering above the bar.
“Who are you?” he asks.
“I’m the ghost of the rabbit who used to visit your pub,” comes the reply.
The bartender’s eyes widen. “I remember you! You made this place famous. Every night, you’d come in for a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. People came from miles around just to see you.”
“Yes,” the rabbit says. “But I also remember that last night when you ran out of Ham and Cheese Toasties. You gave me a Cheese and Onion Toastie instead.”
“That’s right,” the bartender recalls. “But then you never came back. What happened?”
“I died,” says the rabbit.
The bartender gasps. “No! How?”
The rabbit pauses before replying, “Mixin’ me toasties.”
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday
Johnny was talking to a couple of boys
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender, “Could I get a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?”
The bartender is taken aback but serves the rabbit his order.
The rabbit enjoys his beer, devours the toastie, and then leaves.
The next night, the rabbit returns and once again requests a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Word has spread, and the pub is buzzing with curious patrons.
The bartender serves the rabbit, who eats and drinks before heading out.
By the third night, the pub is packed to the brim. As the rabbit walks in and orders his usual, the crowd falls silent in anticipation.
The bartender hands over the pint and toastie, and the room erupts in applause as the rabbit finishes his meal and exits.
On the fourth night, there’s standing room only. People have travelled from far and wide just to witness this unusual guest.
The bartender is making more money in a week than he did all of last year.
But when the rabbit walks in and asks for his usual, the bartender’s face falls.
“I’m sorry, my friend,” he says, “but we’re all out of Ham and Cheese Toasties.”
The rabbit looks shocked, and the pub goes so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
The bartender nervously offers, “But we do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie. I promise you’ll love it.”
The rabbit eyes him carefully. “Are you sure?” he asks.
With a grin, the bartender replies, “I wouldn’t steer you wrong. Trust me, you’ll love it.”
“Alright,” says the rabbit, “I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.”
The pub bursts into cheers as the rabbit enjoys his meal, waves to the crowd, and leaves… never to return.
A year later, the pub is in decline.
The bartender, who has only served a handful of drinks that night—most of them to himself—calls last orders.
As he’s cleaning up, he notices a small white figure hovering above the bar.
“Who are you?” he asks.
“I’m the ghost of the rabbit who used to visit your pub,” comes the reply.
The bartender’s eyes widen. “I remember you! You made this place famous. Every night, you’d come in for a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. People came from miles around just to see you.”
“Yes,” the rabbit says. “But I also remember that last night when you ran out of Ham and Cheese Toasties. You gave me a Cheese and Onion Toastie instead.”
“That’s right,” the bartender recalls. “But then you never came back. What happened?”
“I died,” says the rabbit.
The bartender gasps. “No! How?”
The rabbit pauses before replying, “Mixin’ me toasties.”
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday
Johnny was talking to a couple of boys
11.
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns.
The cop says, “Sister, the speed limit on this highway is 55 mph. Why are you going so slow?”
Sister replies, “I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55.”
The copy says, “Sister, that’s the name of the highway, not the speed limit.”
“Silly me,” the embarrassed nun says.
“Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.”
But then the copy glances in the back seat where the other nuns are quaking with fear.
He asks, “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends?”
Sister says, “Oh, we just got off Highway 101.”
Two tourists were driving through
A policeman stops a lady
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns.
The cop says, “Sister, the speed limit on this highway is 55 mph. Why are you going so slow?”
Sister replies, “I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55.”
The copy says, “Sister, that’s the name of the highway, not the speed limit.”
“Silly me,” the embarrassed nun says.
“Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.”
But then the copy glances in the back seat where the other nuns are quaking with fear.
He asks, “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends?”
Sister says, “Oh, we just got off Highway 101.”
Two tourists were driving through
A policeman stops a lady
12.
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.
The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.
But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet h*le he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear.”
Then he felt the bullet h*le and declared, “Shot with a .308 rifle.” He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Elk, Shot with a 7 mm Mag rifle.
He was right again through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it.
Where did I get this black eye?”
His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you got into bed and put your hand down my underclothes.
Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axes.”
The Bearded Fool
Dr. Darns said George
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.
The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.
But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet h*le he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear.”
Then he felt the bullet h*le and declared, “Shot with a .308 rifle.” He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Elk, Shot with a 7 mm Mag rifle.
He was right again through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it.
Where did I get this black eye?”
His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you got into bed and put your hand down my underclothes.
Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axes.”
The Bearded Fool
Dr. Darns said George
13.
James is alone in the bedroom when his beautiful wife opens the door and walks in.
“James,” she whispers, “Take off my shirt.”
“James,” she whispers, “Take off my corset.”
“James,” she whispers, “Take off my skirt.”
“James,” she whispers, “Take of my stockings.”
“James,” she whispers, “Take off my undergarment.”
“James!” she screams,
“And Don’t ever wear my bang clothes again!”
Confession booth
Six Old Ladies undressed On The Grass
James is alone in the bedroom when his beautiful wife opens the door and walks in.
“James,” she whispers, “Take off my shirt.”
“James,” she whispers, “Take off my corset.”
“James,” she whispers, “Take off my skirt.”
“James,” she whispers, “Take of my stockings.”
“James,” she whispers, “Take off my undergarment.”
“James!” she screams,
“And Don’t ever wear my bang clothes again!”
Confession booth
Six Old Ladies undressed On The Grass
14.
A man runs to the doctor and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”
The doctor asks, “How long has she had this condition?”
“Two years,” says the man.
“Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, “We needed the eggs.”
Three men want to become agents
A boy goes drug store with dad
A man runs to the doctor and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”
The doctor asks, “How long has she had this condition?”
“Two years,” says the man.
“Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, “We needed the eggs.”
Three men want to become agents
A boy goes drug store with dad
15.
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.
“No, no, no!” insisted the man.
“I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
A Father is asked by his friend
The teacher asks a question
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.
“No, no, no!” insisted the man.
“I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
A Father is asked by his friend
The teacher asks a question
16.
One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note.
Their mother asked them where they got all that money from.
“Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left,” said the 12-year-old.
“We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros.”
“Then we followed the man,” said the other boy, and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived.
Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet.
“That’s a truly awful behavior,” the mother replied.
“You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession in the church.”
The boys did what they were told and went to the Church, to confess and atone before the priest.
After a while they came back with 100 euros, because now they also knew where the man worked!
A man and his wife were awakened
A wife asks her programmer husband
One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note.
Their mother asked them where they got all that money from.
“Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left,” said the 12-year-old.
“We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros.”
“Then we followed the man,” said the other boy, and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived.
Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet.
“That’s a truly awful behavior,” the mother replied.
“You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession in the church.”
The boys did what they were told and went to the Church, to confess and atone before the priest.
After a while they came back with 100 euros, because now they also knew where the man worked!
A man and his wife were awakened
A wife asks her programmer husband
17.
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GO.
It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror what it could be…and suddenly.
Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
A man settles in his seat
A man walks out onto a busy New York City
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GO.
It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror what it could be…and suddenly.
Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
A man settles in his seat
A man walks out onto a busy New York City
18.
A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job.
She met a nice man who said he would give her work.
All she had to do was paint his porch white.
He gave her a bucket of paint and left.
He walked into his house, laughing.
He told his wife what he had done.
“Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You’re so mean.” his wife replied.
Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.
The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.
“It takes time, but it was easy.” was her reply.
“Oh, and it’s a Ferrari, not a Porsche.”
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing
Mrs. O’Henry was talking to her husband
A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job.
She met a nice man who said he would give her work.
All she had to do was paint his porch white.
He gave her a bucket of paint and left.
He walked into his house, laughing.
He told his wife what he had done.
“Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You’re so mean.” his wife replied.
Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.
The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.
“It takes time, but it was easy.” was her reply.
“Oh, and it’s a Ferrari, not a Porsche.”
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing
Mrs. O’Henry was talking to her husband
19.
Guy calls in to his Boss.
Worker: I can’t come to work today. I’m sick
Boss: Oh yea! What’s wrong with you now?
Worker: I have anal glaucoma.
Boss: What the hell is that?
Worker: I just can’t see my bum working today.
A man dies goes to Heaven
A group of soldiers stood in formation
Guy calls in to his Boss.
Worker: I can’t come to work today. I’m sick
Boss: Oh yea! What’s wrong with you now?
Worker: I have anal glaucoma.
Boss: What the hell is that?
Worker: I just can’t see my bum working today.
A man dies goes to Heaven
A group of soldiers stood in formation
20.
One day, he told his problem to a friend he worked with at Walmart.
His friend told him, “There is a possibility to make the truck easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied Billy Bob, “I really need to sell the truck.”
“Okay,” said Billy Bob’s friend.
“Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a repair shop tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your truck back to 50,000 miles then it should not be a problem to sell it anymore.”
The following weekend, Billy Bob made the trip to the mechanic.
Two weeks later the friend asked Billy Bob, “Did you sell your truck?”
“No,” replied Billy Bob, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
A milkman who is dying in the hospital
I joined an online dating site and met a girl
One day, he told his problem to a friend he worked with at Walmart.
His friend told him, “There is a possibility to make the truck easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied Billy Bob, “I really need to sell the truck.”
“Okay,” said Billy Bob’s friend.
“Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a repair shop tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your truck back to 50,000 miles then it should not be a problem to sell it anymore.”
The following weekend, Billy Bob made the trip to the mechanic.
Two weeks later the friend asked Billy Bob, “Did you sell your truck?”
“No,” replied Billy Bob, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
A milkman who is dying in the hospital
I joined an online dating site and met a girl
21.
The Lawyer looks around shrewdly, grabs three freshly baked buns and quickly puts them into his pockets.
He says to the Priest, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns the owner didn’t even see me.”
The Priest replied, “That’s just simple thievery, I’II show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Priest then proceeded to call out to the owner of the bakery, “Sir, I want to show you a miracle of the lord.”
The owner was intrigued so he came over to see what the priest was talking about.
The Priest asked him for a bun, and then he proceeded to give it to a homeless-looking man outside.
He asked two more times, and after once again handing the buns out, the owner says, “Okay my friend, where’s the miracle?”
The Priest said, “Look in the Lawyer’s pockets.”
Two beggars live in a forest
A beggar was given a piece of bread
The Lawyer looks around shrewdly, grabs three freshly baked buns and quickly puts them into his pockets.
He says to the Priest, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns the owner didn’t even see me.”
The Priest replied, “That’s just simple thievery, I’II show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Priest then proceeded to call out to the owner of the bakery, “Sir, I want to show you a miracle of the lord.”
The owner was intrigued so he came over to see what the priest was talking about.
The Priest asked him for a bun, and then he proceeded to give it to a homeless-looking man outside.
He asked two more times, and after once again handing the buns out, the owner says, “Okay my friend, where’s the miracle?”
The Priest said, “Look in the Lawyer’s pockets.”
Two beggars live in a forest
A beggar was given a piece of bread
22.
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery.
The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand.
“We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”
“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.
“Can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.
“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”
“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun essayed.
“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered.
“But she’s a humble spinster nun.”
“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not ‘spinsters.’ They are married to God.”
“Wonderful,” said Smith. “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
The math teacher was giving a lesson
A new nurse at a hospital
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery.
The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand.
“We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”
“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.
“Can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.
“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”
“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun essayed.
“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered.
“But she’s a humble spinster nun.”
“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not ‘spinsters.’ They are married to God.”
“Wonderful,” said Smith. “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
The math teacher was giving a lesson
A new nurse at a hospital
23.
Jean was out walking with his grandfather in Paris.
At one point, they saw a shoemaker being insulted by a customer who claimed that there was something wrong with his shoes.
The shoemaker calmly listened to his complaints, apologized and promised to make good the mistake.
Jean and his grandfather stopped to have a coffee.
At the next table, the waiter asked a man if he would mind moving his chair slightly so that he could get by.
The man erupted in a torrent of abuse and refused to move.
‘Never forget what you have seen,’ said Jean’s grandfather.
‘The shoemaker accepted the customer’s complaint, while this man next to us did not want to move.
‘People who perform some useful task are not bothered if they hear some critics to their work, but people who do no useful work at all always think themselves very important and hide their incompetence behind their authority.’
There lived a peasant with his son
The newlyweds returned from their honeymoon
Jean was out walking with his grandfather in Paris.
At one point, they saw a shoemaker being insulted by a customer who claimed that there was something wrong with his shoes.
The shoemaker calmly listened to his complaints, apologized and promised to make good the mistake.
Jean and his grandfather stopped to have a coffee.
At the next table, the waiter asked a man if he would mind moving his chair slightly so that he could get by.
The man erupted in a torrent of abuse and refused to move.
‘Never forget what you have seen,’ said Jean’s grandfather.
‘The shoemaker accepted the customer’s complaint, while this man next to us did not want to move.
‘People who perform some useful task are not bothered if they hear some critics to their work, but people who do no useful work at all always think themselves very important and hide their incompetence behind their authority.’
There lived a peasant with his son
The newlyweds returned from their honeymoon
24.
Two accountants were in a bank when a gang of armed robbers burst in.
While some of the robbers snatched bundles of cash from the tellers, others lined the customers up against the wall and relieved them of their wallets, watches and other valuables.
As the robbers moved down the line, one accountant pressed something into the hand of the other accountant.
“What’s this?” said the second accountant without looking down.
His colleague replied: “It’s that $100 I owe you.”
A call girl brings a client
A country guy in a bar
Two accountants were in a bank when a gang of armed robbers burst in.
While some of the robbers snatched bundles of cash from the tellers, others lined the customers up against the wall and relieved them of their wallets, watches and other valuables.
As the robbers moved down the line, one accountant pressed something into the hand of the other accountant.
“What’s this?” said the second accountant without looking down.
His colleague replied: “It’s that $100 I owe you.”
A call girl brings a client
A country guy in a bar
25.
Once there were three men, Charlie, Mason and Buck, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.
As they stood at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter came up to them and said, “You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around Heaven.
You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly.”
St. Peter looked at Charlie and said, “You, Charlie, were a bad man.
You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge.”
Next, St. Peter looked at Mason and said, “You were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times.
For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon.”
St. Peter finally looked at Buck, and said, “You, Buck, have set a fine example.
You did not have making love until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife!
For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari.”
A short time later, Mason and Buck pulled up in their cars next to Buck’s Ferrari, and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.
“What’s wrong, Buck?” they asked. “You got a Ferrari! You’re set forever!
Why so down?”
Buck looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard.
A famous scientist was on his way
The teacher was teaching the kids
Once there were three men, Charlie, Mason and Buck, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.
As they stood at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter came up to them and said, “You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around Heaven.
You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly.”
St. Peter looked at Charlie and said, “You, Charlie, were a bad man.
You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge.”
Next, St. Peter looked at Mason and said, “You were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times.
For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon.”
St. Peter finally looked at Buck, and said, “You, Buck, have set a fine example.
You did not have making love until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife!
For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari.”
A short time later, Mason and Buck pulled up in their cars next to Buck’s Ferrari, and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.
“What’s wrong, Buck?” they asked. “You got a Ferrari! You’re set forever!
Why so down?”
Buck looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard.
A famous scientist was on his way
The teacher was teaching the kids
26.
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable It’s just that you look just like my son who just died recently.”
“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes,” she said.
“As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Goodbye mother’? It would make me feel much better.”
“Sure,” answered the young man as the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye mother!”
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50
“How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!”
“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
A man went to a gift store
A security guard has a dream
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable It’s just that you look just like my son who just died recently.”
“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes,” she said.
“As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Goodbye mother’? It would make me feel much better.”
“Sure,” answered the young man as the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye mother!”
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50
“How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!”
“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
A man went to a gift store
A security guard has a dream
27.
A man and a woman, who had never met before
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room
the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying,
“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be kind enough to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied.
“Just for tonight, why don’t we pretend that we’re married?”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!!” he is excited.
And she said.
“Then get up and take it yourself”!!
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention
A man walks into a Bank gets in line
A man and a woman, who had never met before
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room
the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying,
“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be kind enough to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied.
“Just for tonight, why don’t we pretend that we’re married?”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!!” he is excited.
And she said.
“Then get up and take it yourself”!!
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention
A man walks into a Bank gets in line
28.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls I told Jerry that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’
Well, the hours passed and the Bacardis went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing Jerry would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos, midnight – brilliant eh?)
The next morning Jerry asked me what time I got in, I told him ‘midnight’…
He didn’t seem pissed off in the least whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’ When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh sh*t’.
It then cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table.
A Old Man Goes To The Doctor
She was standing on the sidewalk
The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls I told Jerry that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’
Well, the hours passed and the Bacardis went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing Jerry would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos, midnight – brilliant eh?)
The next morning Jerry asked me what time I got in, I told him ‘midnight’…
He didn’t seem pissed off in the least whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’ When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh sh*t’.
It then cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table.
A Old Man Goes To The Doctor
She was standing on the sidewalk
29.
Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by Little Johnny’s house on her way home.
She wanted to discuss his poor performance directly with his parents:
When she rang the doorbell, Johnny answered.
“Hello Johnny, I’d like to talk to your mother or father.” She said.
“Sorry. but they ain’t here.” He replied.
She said. “what is it with your grammar?”
“Haven’t got a clue,” Johnny replied.
“But dad sure was mad that they had to go bail her out again!”
A man was sick and tired
A professor of chemistry
Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by Little Johnny’s house on her way home.
She wanted to discuss his poor performance directly with his parents:
When she rang the doorbell, Johnny answered.
“Hello Johnny, I’d like to talk to your mother or father.” She said.
“Sorry. but they ain’t here.” He replied.
She said. “what is it with your grammar?”
“Haven’t got a clue,” Johnny replied.
“But dad sure was mad that they had to go bail her out again!”
A man was sick and tired
A professor of chemistry
30.
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones.
One of them asks the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”
The guard replies, “They are 73 million, four years, and six months old.”
“That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist.
“How do you know their age so precisely?”
The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”
A duck walks into a general store
The Dog, The Rooster And The Fox
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones.
One of them asks the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”
The guard replies, “They are 73 million, four years, and six months old.”
“That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist.
“How do you know their age so precisely?”
The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”
A duck walks into a general store
The Dog, The Rooster And The Fox
Tags:
Eng Jokes
