1.
The hospital staff kept telling Jim, but it was to no avail.
Jim’s wife was in labor and Jim was a nervous wreck.
After what seemed like a week, to both Jim and the hospital staff, a nurse came out with the happy news, “it’s a girl”, she cried.
“Thank God, a girl”, said Jim, “at least she won’t have to go through what I just went through!”
Harry was sick and tired
Sally walked in to the Dentist office
The hospital staff kept telling Jim, but it was to no avail.
Jim’s wife was in labor and Jim was a nervous wreck.
After what seemed like a week, to both Jim and the hospital staff, a nurse came out with the happy news, “it’s a girl”, she cried.
“Thank God, a girl”, said Jim, “at least she won’t have to go through what I just went through!”
Harry was sick and tired
Sally walked in to the Dentist office
2.
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner.
When the time came to leave, his car wouldn’t start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over.
There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn’t even a sofa.
So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.
“I couldn’t do that,” he whispered. “Your husband is my best friend!”
“Listen, sugar,” she whispered back, “there ain’t nothing in the whole wide world could wake home up now.”
“I can’t believe that,” Charlie said. ”
Certainly if I get on top of you and bang you, he’ll wake up won’t he?
“Sugar, he certainly won’t.
If you don’t believe me, pluck a hair out of his bastard and see if that wakes him.”
Charlie did just that.
He was amazed when the husband remained asleep.
So he climbed over to the wife’s side of the bed and bang her.
When he finished, he climbed back to his own side.
It wasn’t long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again.
Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep.
This went on eight times during the night.
Each time Charlie scr*wed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband’s bastard hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: “Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don’t mind you mating my wife, but for Pete’s sake, stop using my bum for a scoreboard!”
A woman goes out shopping with her husband
A girl walks in class
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner.
When the time came to leave, his car wouldn’t start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over.
There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn’t even a sofa.
So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.
“I couldn’t do that,” he whispered. “Your husband is my best friend!”
“Listen, sugar,” she whispered back, “there ain’t nothing in the whole wide world could wake home up now.”
“I can’t believe that,” Charlie said. ”
Certainly if I get on top of you and bang you, he’ll wake up won’t he?
“Sugar, he certainly won’t.
If you don’t believe me, pluck a hair out of his bastard and see if that wakes him.”
Charlie did just that.
He was amazed when the husband remained asleep.
So he climbed over to the wife’s side of the bed and bang her.
When he finished, he climbed back to his own side.
It wasn’t long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again.
Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep.
This went on eight times during the night.
Each time Charlie scr*wed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband’s bastard hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: “Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don’t mind you mating my wife, but for Pete’s sake, stop using my bum for a scoreboard!”
A woman goes out shopping with her husband
A girl walks in class
3.
An Engineer and his wife were always fighting with each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The woman would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life.”
Neighbors feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared.
To everyone’s relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58.
Her husband had a closed casket at the wake.
After the burial, Engineer went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
His neighbors, concerned for his safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??”
The Engineer put down his drink and said, “Let her dig. I had her buried upside down.” These Engineers… I tell you… They think of everything.
A very sick woman on her bed
Two deaf men were talking
An Engineer and his wife were always fighting with each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The woman would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life.”
Neighbors feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared.
To everyone’s relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58.
Her husband had a closed casket at the wake.
After the burial, Engineer went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
His neighbors, concerned for his safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??”
The Engineer put down his drink and said, “Let her dig. I had her buried upside down.” These Engineers… I tell you… They think of everything.
A very sick woman on her bed
Two deaf men were talking
4.
There was once a mysterious man, six feet and seven inches tall who had ventured his way to the freezing north.
Desperate for money in an unfamiliar land, he thought of an idea.
He sat down in the middle of the street, and put up a sign.
It said: ‘Bring excitement to my face, and I’ll give you $1,000,000.
But if you fail, you give me $1.’
Soon, pedestrians started taking a chance on this strong, young man’s bet.
They stood on their hands and did backflips, but to no avail.
Dollar by dollar, the man started accumulating his wealth.
The legend of the unexcitable man soon spread all across the lakeshore.
A solider fired his machine gun in front of our mystery man, but got no reaction.
An ant deadlifted an elephant, but got no reaction.
A woman brought a talking dog to him, but he still showed no emotion.
Years later, after becoming a multimillionaire, the tall man finally took the sign down with his freakishly large hands. It was over.
No one had ever won the bet.
A young girl walked up to him and asked, ‘How were you able to maintain your focus for so long?
What did you think to yourself in your many years of silence?’
The man finally cracked a smile and said, ‘bored man gets paid.’
One smart father goes to his son
3 guys crash land on an island
There was once a mysterious man, six feet and seven inches tall who had ventured his way to the freezing north.
Desperate for money in an unfamiliar land, he thought of an idea.
He sat down in the middle of the street, and put up a sign.
It said: ‘Bring excitement to my face, and I’ll give you $1,000,000.
But if you fail, you give me $1.’
Soon, pedestrians started taking a chance on this strong, young man’s bet.
They stood on their hands and did backflips, but to no avail.
Dollar by dollar, the man started accumulating his wealth.
The legend of the unexcitable man soon spread all across the lakeshore.
A solider fired his machine gun in front of our mystery man, but got no reaction.
An ant deadlifted an elephant, but got no reaction.
A woman brought a talking dog to him, but he still showed no emotion.
Years later, after becoming a multimillionaire, the tall man finally took the sign down with his freakishly large hands. It was over.
No one had ever won the bet.
A young girl walked up to him and asked, ‘How were you able to maintain your focus for so long?
What did you think to yourself in your many years of silence?’
The man finally cracked a smile and said, ‘bored man gets paid.’
One smart father goes to his son
3 guys crash land on an island
5.
An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs, and every morning the farmer would head out to feed them.
And every morning, he would see all the pigs make love up a storm.
He would get turned on by this and try to get back to the house in time to make love his wife but he always got soft before he got there.
So one day, he took his hatchet and headed out to the pigpen.
“No!” said his wife.
“Don’t kill those pigs!”
“I’m not going to kill them. I’m moving the pen closer to the house.”
A elderly guy sticks his head in the barbershop
A man owns a rabbit farm
An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs, and every morning the farmer would head out to feed them.
And every morning, he would see all the pigs make love up a storm.
He would get turned on by this and try to get back to the house in time to make love his wife but he always got soft before he got there.
So one day, he took his hatchet and headed out to the pigpen.
“No!” said his wife.
“Don’t kill those pigs!”
“I’m not going to kill them. I’m moving the pen closer to the house.”
A elderly guy sticks his head in the barbershop
A man owns a rabbit farm
6.
An estranged father take his teenage daughter on a vacation to reconnect with her after her mother passed away
The two check into the resort hotel & spend the day relaxing by the pool & getting to know each other
The next morning the man comes down to reception to order some fresh towels & the concierge ask him how the reconnection going with her
He say to the concierge everything going far better than he expected & he asks the concierge to have a large quantity of lettuce & carrots sent to the room with the towels
The concierge asks him why he want so much lettuce & carrots & the man replies “I want to see if she eats like a rabbit too”
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding
A pregnant woman walking across the street
An estranged father take his teenage daughter on a vacation to reconnect with her after her mother passed away
The two check into the resort hotel & spend the day relaxing by the pool & getting to know each other
The next morning the man comes down to reception to order some fresh towels & the concierge ask him how the reconnection going with her
He say to the concierge everything going far better than he expected & he asks the concierge to have a large quantity of lettuce & carrots sent to the room with the towels
The concierge asks him why he want so much lettuce & carrots & the man replies “I want to see if she eats like a rabbit too”
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding
A pregnant woman walking across the street
7.
A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded.
Rome, Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty.
You’re crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking BA,” was the reply.
“We got a great rate!”
“BA?” exclaimed the hairdresser.
That’s a terrible airline their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late
So, where are you staying in Rome?
“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome ‘s Tiber River called Testes.”
“Don’t go any further I know that place everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser you and a million other people trying to see him he’ll look the size of an ant.
He shot and dropped a bird
The Magical Lamp
A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded.
Rome, Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty.
You’re crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking BA,” was the reply.
“We got a great rate!”
“BA?” exclaimed the hairdresser.
That’s a terrible airline their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late
So, where are you staying in Rome?
“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome ‘s Tiber River called Testes.”
“Don’t go any further I know that place everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser you and a million other people trying to see him he’ll look the size of an ant.
He shot and dropped a bird
The Magical Lamp
8.
One day an old lady and an old man were sitting on their porch when the old lady says “Hey pa, why don’t you run down to the restaurant and get us some ice cream.”
Pa said, “OK I will go right now.”
Ma told him that she had better write it down for him, because he always forgets.
He said no he would be fine, so off he went to the restaurant.
When he got back he handed her a hamburger and she said “Dang it pa, I knew you would forget, I told you to get mustard on mine!”
A man went to his doctor and told
Two men are drinking in a bar
One day an old lady and an old man were sitting on their porch when the old lady says “Hey pa, why don’t you run down to the restaurant and get us some ice cream.”
Pa said, “OK I will go right now.”
Ma told him that she had better write it down for him, because he always forgets.
He said no he would be fine, so off he went to the restaurant.
When he got back he handed her a hamburger and she said “Dang it pa, I knew you would forget, I told you to get mustard on mine!”
A man went to his doctor and told
Two men are drinking in a bar
9.
One day, he told his problem to a friend he worked with at Walmart.
His friend told him, “There is a possibility to make the truck easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied Billy Bob, “I really need to sell the truck.”
“Okay,” said Billy Bob’s friend.
“Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a repair shop tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your truck back to 50,000 miles then it should not be a problem to sell it anymore.”
The following weekend, Billy Bob made the trip to the mechanic.
Two weeks later the friend asked Billy Bob, “Did you sell your truck?”
“No,” replied Billy Bob, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
A milkman who is dying in the hospital
I joined an online dating site and met a girl
One day, he told his problem to a friend he worked with at Walmart.
His friend told him, “There is a possibility to make the truck easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied Billy Bob, “I really need to sell the truck.”
“Okay,” said Billy Bob’s friend.
“Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a repair shop tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your truck back to 50,000 miles then it should not be a problem to sell it anymore.”
The following weekend, Billy Bob made the trip to the mechanic.
Two weeks later the friend asked Billy Bob, “Did you sell your truck?”
“No,” replied Billy Bob, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
A milkman who is dying in the hospital
I joined an online dating site and met a girl
10.
A guy comes home from work and he is quite upset.
His wife looks worried and asks him what’s wrong.
He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.
Later, during dinner, he’s just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.
“Honey, what is it? I’ve never seen you like this before.”
The wife says, “It’s . . . nothing,” he says.
“I can’t burden you with my problems. It wouldn’t be fair.”
“Your problems?” the wife says. “We are partners.
We face everything together.
Your problem is my problem.
There is no I, just we.
Now please, tell me, what is it?”
“Well,” he says, looking up at her glumly.
“we got our secretary pregnant and now she’s suing us for support.”
Man was travelling through
The old man wrote a letter to his son
A guy comes home from work and he is quite upset.
His wife looks worried and asks him what’s wrong.
He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.
Later, during dinner, he’s just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.
“Honey, what is it? I’ve never seen you like this before.”
The wife says, “It’s . . . nothing,” he says.
“I can’t burden you with my problems. It wouldn’t be fair.”
“Your problems?” the wife says. “We are partners.
We face everything together.
Your problem is my problem.
There is no I, just we.
Now please, tell me, what is it?”
“Well,” he says, looking up at her glumly.
“we got our secretary pregnant and now she’s suing us for support.”
Man was travelling through
The old man wrote a letter to his son
11.
One day in the hospital, two little boys were lying on stretchers next to each other outside of the operating room.
The first boy leans over and asks, “What are you in for?”
“I’m here to get my tonsils out and I’m nervous,” the second boy says.
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about! I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of ice cream and Jell-O It’s a breeze!”
“Well what are you here for?” the second kid asks.
“A circumcision.” The first kid replays woefully.
The second kid says “Wow! I had that done when I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year!”
A busload of politicians
A blind man
One day in the hospital, two little boys were lying on stretchers next to each other outside of the operating room.
The first boy leans over and asks, “What are you in for?”
“I’m here to get my tonsils out and I’m nervous,” the second boy says.
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about! I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of ice cream and Jell-O It’s a breeze!”
“Well what are you here for?” the second kid asks.
“A circumcision.” The first kid replays woefully.
The second kid says “Wow! I had that done when I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year!”
A busload of politicians
A blind man
12.
The teacher asks her class
“What is love?”
Little Johnny stands up says ,
“love is the temptation caused by the sensation when a boy sticks his location into a girl’s destination.
Did you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?”
And the teacher fainted.
A guy meet his friends for drink
Elder brother and his girlfriend
The teacher asks her class
“What is love?”
Little Johnny stands up says ,
“love is the temptation caused by the sensation when a boy sticks his location into a girl’s destination.
Did you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?”
And the teacher fainted.
A guy meet his friends for drink
Elder brother and his girlfriend
13.
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning:
Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies:
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back:
“Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
A man dreams that he is a chicken
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning:
Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies:
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back:
“Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
A man dreams that he is a chicken
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
14.
Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend Joe sitting on a stool.
“Joe,” Bill said, “I’m glad to see that your wife finally let you out of the house.”
“Things have been different with my wife,” Joe said.
“In fact, just the other day, I decided to show her who was the boss.”
“How did you do that?” asked Bill.
“I simply said to her, ‘Mabel, we are going to have it out right now, and I am going to show you who the boss is in this relationship’.”
“What happened?”
“Well, I don’t want to brag, but I managed to get her on her hands and knees.”
“How did you do that?”
“I was hiding under the bed at the time.”
Two doctors were in a hospital
A husband went to a doctor to talk
Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend Joe sitting on a stool.
“Joe,” Bill said, “I’m glad to see that your wife finally let you out of the house.”
“Things have been different with my wife,” Joe said.
“In fact, just the other day, I decided to show her who was the boss.”
“How did you do that?” asked Bill.
“I simply said to her, ‘Mabel, we are going to have it out right now, and I am going to show you who the boss is in this relationship’.”
“What happened?”
“Well, I don’t want to brag, but I managed to get her on her hands and knees.”
“How did you do that?”
“I was hiding under the bed at the time.”
Two doctors were in a hospital
A husband went to a doctor to talk
15.
So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.
It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend,
I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home.
We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.
So I called in all the old high school friends I could reach. It still wouldn’t budge.
So we get scientific, try to wedge a metal beam from the garage under it, and slip an old tool chest in as a fulcrum, hoping to pry it loose.
The beam bends, and the tool chest actually snaps.
By now, it’s been a few hours, most of the group is ready to give up, and the pizza and drinks I’d offered and running out, when I see Nate pull in next door.
He was our neighbor’s son, rarely showed up to visit her, but felt like a godsend at that moment.
I convinced myself one more man would make a difference, which seems a little less crazy when you know Nate.
He’s 6’8″, and pure muscle. He holds back when shaking hands so he doesn’t hurt people, and still feels like he’s going to crush you hand.
He grabbed me by the arm to pull me out of the way of a speeding car once, and they had to put the arm in a cast, because his grip broke it. Saved my life at least.
Plus, Nate is a landscaper, and I figured he might have trick to help us.
So I thought with everyone and Nate, we got this.
I ask Nate for help with the boulder, start waving everyone else over. Only Nate doesn’t wait for us.
He just grabs the boulder and pops it up into the truck.
And that’s how I learned a valuable lesson: better Nate than lever.
°°°°°°°°°
I’ve seen the punchline here a few times, but never caught it with this set up, so thought I’d share, as it was my dad’s second favorite joke, only beat out by the string joke, which I have seen here plenty.
Have a Happy Father’s Day.
A woman had twin boys
A man’s walking home late at night
So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.
It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend,
I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home.
We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.
So I called in all the old high school friends I could reach. It still wouldn’t budge.
So we get scientific, try to wedge a metal beam from the garage under it, and slip an old tool chest in as a fulcrum, hoping to pry it loose.
The beam bends, and the tool chest actually snaps.
By now, it’s been a few hours, most of the group is ready to give up, and the pizza and drinks I’d offered and running out, when I see Nate pull in next door.
He was our neighbor’s son, rarely showed up to visit her, but felt like a godsend at that moment.
I convinced myself one more man would make a difference, which seems a little less crazy when you know Nate.
He’s 6’8″, and pure muscle. He holds back when shaking hands so he doesn’t hurt people, and still feels like he’s going to crush you hand.
He grabbed me by the arm to pull me out of the way of a speeding car once, and they had to put the arm in a cast, because his grip broke it. Saved my life at least.
Plus, Nate is a landscaper, and I figured he might have trick to help us.
So I thought with everyone and Nate, we got this.
I ask Nate for help with the boulder, start waving everyone else over. Only Nate doesn’t wait for us.
He just grabs the boulder and pops it up into the truck.
And that’s how I learned a valuable lesson: better Nate than lever.
°°°°°°°°°
I’ve seen the punchline here a few times, but never caught it with this set up, so thought I’d share, as it was my dad’s second favorite joke, only beat out by the string joke, which I have seen here plenty.
Have a Happy Father’s Day.
A woman had twin boys
A man’s walking home late at night
16.
The mother specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.
A couple of days later, her daughter realizes that reversed pictures of her mother’s left foot were sent instead.
Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfil her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Island to inform the facility of the mistake.
After a long, arduous search, she finds an unmarked building in the middle of a thick forest.
She rings the doorbell and, after a moment, a pleasant-looking man answers.
“Hello. I’m sorry to bother you, but my recently-deceased mother donated photos of her right foot here,” She says, bringing the correct photos out.
“But it turns out we accidentally sent reversed photos of her left foot.
“Oh, excellent!” the man says, carefully taking the pictures. “Thank you so, so much.
She was a long-time dear friend of the academy, and we are so grateful to honor her memory–“The woman puts her hand up.
“What’s that sound…?”Before he can stop her, the woman pushes past him and rushes into an adjacent room.
There, projected on the wall, is a reversed picture of her mother’s left foot…and a room full of people masturbating.
Enraged, she storms back to find the man sitting in the living room, waiting for her.
“WHAT THE F**K IS GOING ON IN THERE?!””Look,” he says. “I think we got off on the wrong foot here.”
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic
Salesman Of The Year Has Rough First Day
The mother specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.
A couple of days later, her daughter realizes that reversed pictures of her mother’s left foot were sent instead.
Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfil her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Island to inform the facility of the mistake.
After a long, arduous search, she finds an unmarked building in the middle of a thick forest.
She rings the doorbell and, after a moment, a pleasant-looking man answers.
“Hello. I’m sorry to bother you, but my recently-deceased mother donated photos of her right foot here,” She says, bringing the correct photos out.
“But it turns out we accidentally sent reversed photos of her left foot.
“Oh, excellent!” the man says, carefully taking the pictures. “Thank you so, so much.
She was a long-time dear friend of the academy, and we are so grateful to honor her memory–“The woman puts her hand up.
“What’s that sound…?”Before he can stop her, the woman pushes past him and rushes into an adjacent room.
There, projected on the wall, is a reversed picture of her mother’s left foot…and a room full of people masturbating.
Enraged, she storms back to find the man sitting in the living room, waiting for her.
“WHAT THE F**K IS GOING ON IN THERE?!””Look,” he says. “I think we got off on the wrong foot here.”
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic
Salesman Of The Year Has Rough First Day
17.
An elderly married couple is having problems in the bedroom.
So the wife goes to an toy store and asks the worker behind the counter what she can do to spice up her lovemaking.
The worker suggests some privates underwear and takes her to see some.
The wife looks at them and thinks they’re perfect She can’t wait to get home and wear them for her husband.
When she gets home she finds her husband is still out.
She makes her way up the bedroom to put on her new underwear.
She eagerly waits for her husband to get home.
After some time she hears him come in.
He calls out to her, “where are you??”
“I’m in the bedroom, dear!” She replies.
He makes his way up to the bedroom and sees his wife laying back in bed.
“Want some of this?” She asks as she spreads her legs open to give him a nice view.
The man takes one looks and says, “Hell no! Look what it did to your underwear!”
The teacher asked the class to use the word
A few women were sitting around the table
An elderly married couple is having problems in the bedroom.
So the wife goes to an toy store and asks the worker behind the counter what she can do to spice up her lovemaking.
The worker suggests some privates underwear and takes her to see some.
The wife looks at them and thinks they’re perfect She can’t wait to get home and wear them for her husband.
When she gets home she finds her husband is still out.
She makes her way up the bedroom to put on her new underwear.
She eagerly waits for her husband to get home.
After some time she hears him come in.
He calls out to her, “where are you??”
“I’m in the bedroom, dear!” She replies.
He makes his way up to the bedroom and sees his wife laying back in bed.
“Want some of this?” She asks as she spreads her legs open to give him a nice view.
The man takes one looks and says, “Hell no! Look what it did to your underwear!”
The teacher asked the class to use the word
A few women were sitting around the table
18.
An old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
He then unwrapped the burger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.
You could tell they were thinking: “That poor old couple all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table.
He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said they were just fine they were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time, the old woman said: “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady, who had yet to eat a single bite of food, and asked: “What is it you are waiting for?”
She answered: “The teeth.”
The old Josh was sat in his garden
A woman goes to a psychiatrist
An old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
He then unwrapped the burger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.
You could tell they were thinking: “That poor old couple all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table.
He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said they were just fine they were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time, the old woman said: “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady, who had yet to eat a single bite of food, and asked: “What is it you are waiting for?”
She answered: “The teeth.”
The old Josh was sat in his garden
A woman goes to a psychiatrist
19.
Teacher: Kids, what does the chicken give you?
Kids: Meat!
Teacher: Very good! Now, what does the pig give you?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you?
Kid: Homework!
A Irishman was walking home
Two children Johnny and Alex were sitting
Teacher: Kids, what does the chicken give you?
Kids: Meat!
Teacher: Very good! Now, what does the pig give you?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you?
Kid: Homework!
A Irishman was walking home
Two children Johnny and Alex were sitting
20.
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.
She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, “Shut up! you’re next!”
A elderly couple who were both widowed
A young couple going on a honeymoon
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.
She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, “Shut up! you’re next!”
A elderly couple who were both widowed
A young couple going on a honeymoon
21.
A doctor entered the hospital in hurry after being called in for an urgent surgery.
He answered the call asap, changed his clothes and went directly to the surgery block.
He found the boy’s father going and coming in the hall waiting for the doctor.
Once seeing him, the dad yelled: “Why did you take all this time to come? Don’t you know that my son’s life is in danger? Don’t you have the sense of responsibility?”
The doctor smiled and said: “I am sorry, I wasn’t in the hospital and I came the fastest I could after receiving the call and now, I wish you’d calm down so that I can do my work”
“Calm down?! What if your son was in this room right now, would you calm down? If your own son dies now what will you do??” said the father angrily.
The doctor smiled again and replied: “I will say what Job said in the Holy Book “From dust we came and to dust we return, blessed be the name of God”.
Doctors cannot prolong lives go and intercede for your son, we will do our best by God’s grace.
“Giving advice when we’re not concerned is so easy” Murmured the father.
The surgery took some hours after which the doctor went out happy, “Thank goodness!, your son is saved!”
And without waiting for the father’s reply he carried on his way running.
“If you have any question, ask the nurse!!”
“Why is he so arrogant? He couldn’t wait some minutes so that I ask about my son’s state” Commented the father when seeing the nurse minutes after the doctor left.
The nurse answered, tears coming down her face: “His son died yesterday in a road accident, he was in the burial when we called him for your son’s surgery and now that he saved your son’s life, he left running to finish his son’s burial.”
A car accident
The Old Man Was Fishing In A Puddle
A doctor entered the hospital in hurry after being called in for an urgent surgery.
He answered the call asap, changed his clothes and went directly to the surgery block.
He found the boy’s father going and coming in the hall waiting for the doctor.
Once seeing him, the dad yelled: “Why did you take all this time to come? Don’t you know that my son’s life is in danger? Don’t you have the sense of responsibility?”
The doctor smiled and said: “I am sorry, I wasn’t in the hospital and I came the fastest I could after receiving the call and now, I wish you’d calm down so that I can do my work”
“Calm down?! What if your son was in this room right now, would you calm down? If your own son dies now what will you do??” said the father angrily.
The doctor smiled again and replied: “I will say what Job said in the Holy Book “From dust we came and to dust we return, blessed be the name of God”.
Doctors cannot prolong lives go and intercede for your son, we will do our best by God’s grace.
“Giving advice when we’re not concerned is so easy” Murmured the father.
The surgery took some hours after which the doctor went out happy, “Thank goodness!, your son is saved!”
And without waiting for the father’s reply he carried on his way running.
“If you have any question, ask the nurse!!”
“Why is he so arrogant? He couldn’t wait some minutes so that I ask about my son’s state” Commented the father when seeing the nurse minutes after the doctor left.
The nurse answered, tears coming down her face: “His son died yesterday in a road accident, he was in the burial when we called him for your son’s surgery and now that he saved your son’s life, he left running to finish his son’s burial.”
A car accident
The Old Man Was Fishing In A Puddle
22.
I paid a visit to an art gallery today and saw an exquisite piece of art.
It was of a fox. Every stroke on the painting was perfect and every colour was blended together beautifully.
But as I analysed the painting, I noticed that something didn’t feel right.
As if there was still something missing from it.
And I was right! As soon as I caught it, I just couldn’t unsee it.
So I decided to head to the manager to warn them about the error in the artist’s craft.
“Hey, you take a look at that fox painting? The artist must be a legend!”
“Oh yeah. Most favourite piece I’ve made. Its copies sell well.”
“Oh! I must say it does look absolutely magnificent!
But I’m sure you realise what’s wrong with it.”
“Ah, yes. An intentional design.”
“So you masterfully handcrafted this fox painting, intentionally painted the tail out, and still managed to sell enough copies even though it’s an incomplete painting.”
The artist chuckled and nodded in agreement.
My eyes widened, with the hands open and on my sides, and my lips mouthing the word in amazement: “How?”
The artist shrugs and says “It’s just the detailing, man.”
He laughed at my cringe. I laughed at his burnt painting
An Australian asks a travel agent
Today I went to the children’s daycare
I paid a visit to an art gallery today and saw an exquisite piece of art.
It was of a fox. Every stroke on the painting was perfect and every colour was blended together beautifully.
But as I analysed the painting, I noticed that something didn’t feel right.
As if there was still something missing from it.
And I was right! As soon as I caught it, I just couldn’t unsee it.
So I decided to head to the manager to warn them about the error in the artist’s craft.
“Hey, you take a look at that fox painting? The artist must be a legend!”
“Oh yeah. Most favourite piece I’ve made. Its copies sell well.”
“Oh! I must say it does look absolutely magnificent!
But I’m sure you realise what’s wrong with it.”
“Ah, yes. An intentional design.”
“So you masterfully handcrafted this fox painting, intentionally painted the tail out, and still managed to sell enough copies even though it’s an incomplete painting.”
The artist chuckled and nodded in agreement.
My eyes widened, with the hands open and on my sides, and my lips mouthing the word in amazement: “How?”
The artist shrugs and says “It’s just the detailing, man.”
He laughed at my cringe. I laughed at his burnt painting
An Australian asks a travel agent
Today I went to the children’s daycare
23.
Mr. Johnson boarded a plane to New York City.
He was about to sit down in the aisle seat he had booked when he saw a blonde woman sitting in his seat.
“Wh-what are you doing?!” sputtered Mr. Johnson.
“I specifically booked this seat!
Why aren’t you sitting in your seat?!”
The blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
Angrily, Mr. Johnson snatched the blonde’s ticket out of her hand. It was for the middle seat.
“Your ticket says you’re supposed to be sitting in this middle seat!” he shouted.
“I specifically booked this aisle seat because I’m six-foot-five and I hate the cramped spaces of airplane seats! Meanwhile, you don’t seem to be any taller than five-foot-one. You should be able to handle the middle seat just fine!”
He showed the blonde his ticket to prove that he had, indeed, booked the aisle seat.
Again, the blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
“You’d better listen to that guy,” said the woman sitting in the window seat.
“I once dated a guy who was six-foot-one, four inches shorter than that guy, and he always sat in the aisle seat because he hated the cramped spaces.”
For the third time, the blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
Mr. Johnson was now furious.
He told a nearby flight attendant about the blonde in his seat.
The flight attendant whispered something in the blonde’s ear, and the blonde sheepishly moved into the middle seat.
A relieved Mr. Johnson sat in the aisle seat.
As soon as the plane had landed, Mr. Johnson asked the flight attendant, “What did you tell that woman?”
“I told her that the aisle seat wasn’t going to New York City.”
A blonde walks into a bank
George raises his beer mug
Mr. Johnson boarded a plane to New York City.
He was about to sit down in the aisle seat he had booked when he saw a blonde woman sitting in his seat.
“Wh-what are you doing?!” sputtered Mr. Johnson.
“I specifically booked this seat!
Why aren’t you sitting in your seat?!”
The blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
Angrily, Mr. Johnson snatched the blonde’s ticket out of her hand. It was for the middle seat.
“Your ticket says you’re supposed to be sitting in this middle seat!” he shouted.
“I specifically booked this aisle seat because I’m six-foot-five and I hate the cramped spaces of airplane seats! Meanwhile, you don’t seem to be any taller than five-foot-one. You should be able to handle the middle seat just fine!”
He showed the blonde his ticket to prove that he had, indeed, booked the aisle seat.
Again, the blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
“You’d better listen to that guy,” said the woman sitting in the window seat.
“I once dated a guy who was six-foot-one, four inches shorter than that guy, and he always sat in the aisle seat because he hated the cramped spaces.”
For the third time, the blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
Mr. Johnson was now furious.
He told a nearby flight attendant about the blonde in his seat.
The flight attendant whispered something in the blonde’s ear, and the blonde sheepishly moved into the middle seat.
A relieved Mr. Johnson sat in the aisle seat.
As soon as the plane had landed, Mr. Johnson asked the flight attendant, “What did you tell that woman?”
“I told her that the aisle seat wasn’t going to New York City.”
A blonde walks into a bank
George raises his beer mug
24.
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn’t get her attention.
When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away.
Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.
He said, “Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn’t even make eye contact.”
“Oh,” said the waitress, “I thought you wanted more coffee.”
Three guys were drinking in a pub
A man walks into a bar orders a drink
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn’t get her attention.
When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away.
Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.
He said, “Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn’t even make eye contact.”
“Oh,” said the waitress, “I thought you wanted more coffee.”
Three guys were drinking in a pub
A man walks into a bar orders a drink
25.
A man and his son were walking together one day and stumbled across 2 dogs having make love.
“Why is that dog hurting the other one?” asked the boy.
“He’s not hurting her,” said the dad “they’re making a puppy.”
A couple of nights later the boy walks in on his dad and mom making love and asks “Daddy why are you hurting mommy?”
“I’m not hurting mommy” said the dad, “We’re making you a baby brother.
“Excitedly the boy screamed “Flip her over, I’d rather have a puppy.”
The doctor asked the patient
A husband was sitting on the sofa
A man and his son were walking together one day and stumbled across 2 dogs having make love.
“Why is that dog hurting the other one?” asked the boy.
“He’s not hurting her,” said the dad “they’re making a puppy.”
A couple of nights later the boy walks in on his dad and mom making love and asks “Daddy why are you hurting mommy?”
“I’m not hurting mommy” said the dad, “We’re making you a baby brother.
“Excitedly the boy screamed “Flip her over, I’d rather have a puppy.”
The doctor asked the patient
A husband was sitting on the sofa
26.
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.
She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, “Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher.
“It’s something your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time.”
Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, “Quick! Spit’em out!
They’re bastard!”
A guy asked a girl in a university library
A blonde walks into an empty bar
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.
She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, “Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher.
“It’s something your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time.”
Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, “Quick! Spit’em out!
They’re bastard!”
A guy asked a girl in a university library
A blonde walks into an empty bar
27.
Once upon a time there were two men in a wood-chopping contest.
They were tasked with chopping down as many trees in the forest as they could from sun-up to sun-down.
The winner would be rewarded with both fame and fortune.
From morning till noon, both men steadily chopped and chopped.
By noon they were neck and neck, but then one man took a break and stopped chopping.
The other man saw this and thought to himself: “The lazy fool, he’s probably taken a break for lunch he’s given me a chance to get ahead of him and I will without doubt win this contest!”
A while later the man got back to work.
As the day continued he chopped more trees than his hard-working (and hungry) competitor and by mid-afternoon he had taken a clear lead.
When sundown came, the man who had taken the break at noon had chopped almost twice as many trees as the other man, who was drenched in sweat, hungry and exhausted.
“How did you beat me?” he asked puzzled.
“You were lazier than I and even took a break for lunch!”
“Ah,” said the other man, “I did take a break, but it was during that break, that I sharpened my axe.”
She never took an interest in religious studies
A lawyer trying to get tickets
Once upon a time there were two men in a wood-chopping contest.
They were tasked with chopping down as many trees in the forest as they could from sun-up to sun-down.
The winner would be rewarded with both fame and fortune.
From morning till noon, both men steadily chopped and chopped.
By noon they were neck and neck, but then one man took a break and stopped chopping.
The other man saw this and thought to himself: “The lazy fool, he’s probably taken a break for lunch he’s given me a chance to get ahead of him and I will without doubt win this contest!”
A while later the man got back to work.
As the day continued he chopped more trees than his hard-working (and hungry) competitor and by mid-afternoon he had taken a clear lead.
When sundown came, the man who had taken the break at noon had chopped almost twice as many trees as the other man, who was drenched in sweat, hungry and exhausted.
“How did you beat me?” he asked puzzled.
“You were lazier than I and even took a break for lunch!”
“Ah,” said the other man, “I did take a break, but it was during that break, that I sharpened my axe.”
She never took an interest in religious studies
A lawyer trying to get tickets
28.
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work.
The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their love lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, ‘Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend’s office wearing a leather coat.
When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels.
He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!’
The engaged woman giggled and said, ‘That’s pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps.
He was so turned on that we not only had make love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!’
The married woman put her glass down and said, ‘I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma’s.
I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, ‘Hey Batman what’s for dinner?
A boss says to his secretary
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work.
The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their love lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, ‘Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend’s office wearing a leather coat.
When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels.
He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!’
The engaged woman giggled and said, ‘That’s pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps.
He was so turned on that we not only had make love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!’
The married woman put her glass down and said, ‘I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma’s.
I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, ‘Hey Batman what’s for dinner?
A boss says to his secretary
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance
29.
A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about.
The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem.
His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast.
His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly (even to bed) and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance.
The son thought about this and went along happy.
The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem her morning breath was horrid.
Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath.
The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world.
The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea.
She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don’t say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating.
The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.
The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences.
One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing.
He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what’s wrong.
With a look of shock on his face the young man says, “OH MY GOD! You’ve swallowed my sock!”
The Elderly Couple Gets Stranded On Island
A Little Boy Goes To His Father And Asks
A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about.
The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem.
His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast.
His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly (even to bed) and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance.
The son thought about this and went along happy.
The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem her morning breath was horrid.
Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath.
The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world.
The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea.
She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don’t say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating.
The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.
The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences.
One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing.
He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what’s wrong.
With a look of shock on his face the young man says, “OH MY GOD! You’ve swallowed my sock!”
The Elderly Couple Gets Stranded On Island
A Little Boy Goes To His Father And Asks
30.
A blonde goes to the doctor with burns on both of her ears and her right hand.
“Sit down and tell me how it happened,” says the doctor.
“I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear.”
“What about the other ear and your hand?” the doctor asked.
She replied, “I tried to call for an ambulance.”
A high school student came home
A man walks into the barber shop
A blonde goes to the doctor with burns on both of her ears and her right hand.
“Sit down and tell me how it happened,” says the doctor.
“I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear.”
“What about the other ear and your hand?” the doctor asked.
She replied, “I tried to call for an ambulance.”
A high school student came home
A man walks into the barber shop
Tags:
Eng Jokes
