Enjoy the Best Jokes and Share the Laughter 10

1.



A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: ‘What does the cow say?’
Child: ‘Moooo!’
Mother: ‘Great! What does the cat say?’
Child: ‘Meow.’
Mother: ‘Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?’
And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, ‘Bud.’
A guy and a girl are lying
A old man and old woman are together

2.



A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”
“Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
A older couple wakes up
A man and his wife were in restaurant

3.



Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: “When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot.
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times.”
The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila.
He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar.
He turns to the other mice and replies: “Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home.
In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.” The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, “I don’t have time for this bullshit.
I gotta go home and f*ck the cat.”
A man get a call girl
Three devout nuns were summoned

4.



An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin, ordered three pints of Guinness and sat at the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.
The bartender approached and told him: “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The Irishman replied: “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each me brothers and one for me self.”
The bartender admitted that this was a fine tradition, and left it there.
The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way: He ordered three pints and drank them in turn.
One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars took notice and fell silent.
When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said: “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The Irishman looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned and he laughed.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explained.
“It’s just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected my brothers though.”
A woman hired a contractor to repaint
Three nuns who had recently died

5.



A couple decide to take their young daughter to zoo one weekend
While standing around the elephant exhibit the little girl notice that the big bull elephant has huge manhood
She whisper to her mother “What is that between his legs?”
Her mother whisper back “Oh that is nothing darling.”
Not satisfied with mothers answer she whisper to her father
“Daddy what does he have between his legs?
Her father whisper back “That his tool darling.
He put that inside the lady elephant to make baby elephants.”
The little girl get confused & whisper “Mum says it’s nothing.”
Father reply “Yes but I spoil that woman.”
A mother takes her daughter to a clinic
A Husband was a bit embarrassed

6.



A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her b**ttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret after all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?”
My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
A husband and wife have four sons
She never took an interest in religious studies

7.



Two women were sitting in the doctor’s waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.
“I want a baby more than anything in the world,” said the first, “But I guess it is impossible.”
“I used to feel just the same way,” said the second.
“But then everything changed that’s why I’m here I’m going to have a baby in three months.”
“You must tell me what you did.”
“I went to a faith healer.”
“But I’ve tried that my husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn’t help a bit.”
The other woman smiled and whispered, “Try going alone, next time, dearies.”
The librarian handed the chicken a book
Fox & Rooster

8.



A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store.
‘Can you go down to the store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.’
Later on, he returns home and she looks at his purchases and says,
‘Why do you have 6 gallons of milk?’
He responded, ‘They had eggs.’
Two young brothers in Rome
A elderly couple was having breakfast

9.



A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
“It`s for my husband,” she tells the clerk.
“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.
“Are you kidding?” she says.
“He doesn’t even know that I`m going to shoot him!”
Two old women were sitting on a bench
The doctor comes in and informs

10.



A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East.
An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”
After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”
The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”
The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”
Wife sent a message to her husband
A teacher was helping one of her kids

11.



A young lady was waiting for her flight in the boarding room of a big airport.
As she would need to wait for a long time, she decided to buy a book to read and a packet of cookies to snack on.
She sat down in an armchair in the VIP room of the airport to relax and read in peace.
A man sat down in the next seat, opened his magazine and started reading.
When she took out the first cookie, the man took one also.
She felt irritated but said nothing.
She just thought: “What a nerve! If I wasn’t so nice, I would blacken his eye.”
For each cookie she took, the man took one too this was infuriating her but she didn’t want to cause a scene.
When only one cookie remained, she thought: “Aaah… What will this rude man do now?”
Then the man, taking the last cookie, divided it into half, giving her one-half that was too much! She was really angry now.
In a huff, she took her book, the rest of her things and stormed off to the boarding place.
For the next hours, she found it hard to forget what happened.
She couldn’t even focus reading her book how dare that guy, right?
When she sat down in her seat on the plane, she looked into her purse to take out her reading glasses, and to her surprise, her packet of cookies was there, untouched and unopened.
She felt so ashamed.
She realized that she was wrong.
She had forgotten that her cookies were kept in her purse.
The man had divided his cookies with her, without feeling angered or bitter, while she had been very angry, thinking that she was dividing her cookies with him.
And now there was no chance to explain herself… nor to apologize have you ever lost your cool and then realized later that you were in the wrong?
I’m sure that most of us have let’s save ourselves some embarrassment and make sure that we are in possession of all of the facts before reacting.
There are four things you can never recover… The stone after the throw;
The word after it’s said; The occasion after the loss, and the time after it’s gone.
Who Is Doing All The Work
A stingy old lawyer

12.



A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom.
The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon. Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.
When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and gets his tuxedo.
He wants himself and his date to arrive in style, so he looks to rent a limousine for the night.
He goes to the limousine center, and finds a line of people waiting to rent out a limo, but he patiently waits in line, and manages to hire a limo for prom night.
The morning of the prom he decides to buy his date a bunch of flowers.
When he arrives at the florist, he sees a long line of people waiting for their bouquets.
He’s annoyed, but he waits patiently, and manages to buy a big bouquet.
During the prom, everything is going well, the boy is dancing with his date, and having a good time.
His date whispers into his ear to ask if he can get her some fruit punch.
The boy looks over at the table and there was no punchline.
A blonde car gets a flat Tyre
A old lady was walking her dog

13.



This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks “I notice you’ve been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?”
“Yes” she replies.
“He’s my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”
“That’s remarkable” the husband replies.
“I wouldn’t think anybody could celebrate that long.”
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed
A girl came skipping home from school

14.



A man got really drunk one night in his local pub.
The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home.
The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away.
He tried to stand up again but only fell over again.
He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he’d be grand.
So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again.
In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home.
When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again.
He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep.
When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night.
He denied it but she said, “I know you were there…” he maintained his innocence until “…the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again….”
There are three girls at a bar
Two elderly excited women were sitting

15.



A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water.
The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it’s today.”
The bartender said, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this one’s on me.”
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink, too.”
The lady said, “Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink too.”
The lady said, “Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman giggled, and replied, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”
Two little kids are in a hospital
A young boy says to his father

16.



A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute.
So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens.
“No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.”
So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens.
Now the man begins to panic.
“What am I going to do?”
He thinks, “I’m a goner!”
Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him.
He can’t figure out where this man is coming from, or what he’s doing, but he thinks to himself, “Maybe he can help me.
If he can’t, then I’m done for.”
When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down,
“Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”
The other man replies, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”
The teacher asks her student
A old lady was stopped

17.



A deaf man enters a pharmacy to buy rubber pack and tries to explain what he wants with sign language.
The pharmacist doesn’t understand anything so the deaf man puts forth his weapon and 50 dollars.
The pharmacist then also pulls out his weapon, takes the 50 dollars and puts them in his pocket.
The deaf man gets all read in his face and starts to waive violently.
At the pharmacist who says: “If you cannot stand loosing, you should not make a bet!”
A man strolls into a pharmacy
The alcoholic came to the yoga school

18.



The pilot complains about the airman’s attitude, but his comeback is priceless
During the pilot’s pref-light check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight.
So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
This guy finds that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.
He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do
Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.
As he’s leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, “Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I’m going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished”.
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says,
“Sir, with all due respect, I’m not your son; I’m an Airman in the United States Air Force.
I’ve been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer’s asses are beginning to look pretty good to me.
I have one stripe; it’s two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump she out of an aircraft.
Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?”
A foursome of senior golfers
Two friends were walking through

19.



Few years have passed and Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time not seeing each other.
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks.
“If there is a memento of some sort inside.”
“Yes,” says Sally, “a look of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
The visiting church school supervisor asks
A blonde was suffering

20.



There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn’t swim.
When a boat came by, the captain yelled, “Do you need help, sir?”
The preacher calmly said “No, God will save me.”
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, “Hey, do you need help?”
The preacher replied again, “No God will save me.”
Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven.
The preacher asked God, “Why didn’t you save me?”
God replied, “Fool, I sent you two boats!”
Jesus & Moses and an old man go golfing
A car driven by an Englishman

21.



A herd of cows and two bulls are eating grass out in the pasture.
Suddenly, a great gust of wind comes ripping across the prairie and knocks all the cows to the ground.
But, the bulls just sway in the wind and continue eating.
When the wind quiets down, the cows stand up, brush off the dirt, and start eating again.
A bit later, one cow looks up just in time to see a tornado tearing through the pasture fence.
The tornado knocks the cows every which way, but the bulls just rock back and forth as they are buffeted.
When the cows get back on their feet and pick the straw out of their hide, they all walk over to the bulls.
One cow says, “Why do we cows get knocked over by wind but you bulls keep standing?”
The two bulls laugh and reply, “We bulls wobble, but we don’t fall down.”
A dog and a cat were having an argument
A pretty girl Walking up to a department store

22.



A couple in their 80’s were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, “Where are you going?” “To the kitchen for a drink,” he replies.
She asks, ” Will you get me piece of cake?”
The husband says, “Sure.”
She gently reminds him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you don’t forget it?”
He says, “No, I can certainly remember that!”
Then the woman says,
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top. You’d better write it down because I know you’ll forget it.”
The man replies, “I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries.”
She adds, “I’d also like whipped cream on top. Now I’m certain you’re gonna forget that, so you’d better write it down ok.”
Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!”
He then grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, “Where’s my toast?”
A girl is sitting on the couch with her grandpa
A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed

23.



One day a little boy gets on a bus and sits behind the bus driver.
He starts saying things like: If my mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I would be a little rooster.
The bus driver said shut up!
Still the boy went on, if my mom was a female elephant and my dad was a male elephant, I would be a little male elephant.
The bus driver said shut up!
Still the boy went on if my mom was a female dog and my dad was a male dog, I would be a little male dog.
The bus driver got so mad, and asked “If your mom was a call girl, and your dad was a faggot, what would you be?
The boy answered: “A bus driver.”
There was an old lady who was very small
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle

24.



A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom’s annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making.
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn’t quit it.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn’t close a large suitcase.
The groom said, “Darling, you get on top and I’ll try.”
That didn’t work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, “Sweetheart, you get on top and I’ll try.”
Still no success.
So, he said, “Look let’s both get on top.”
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said:
“Zoo or no zoo, I just gotta see this.”
The pastor always said
Who You Are Makes A Difference

25.



A wife was frying some eggs one morning when suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
He shouted, “Careful, Careful! Put some more butter in! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Tum them now! We need more butter.
They’re going to stick! Careful. I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking. Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget. Use the salt. THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him in amazement, “What is wrong with you? I know how to fry a couple of eggs.”
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
A man and his wife went to a doctor
A man returns home a day early

26.



A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day.
Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.
At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. “Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?”
“Hmmm,” replied St. Peter, “I don’t recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let’s take it up with God and see what he says.”
So they approached God with their plea.
God sat for a moment, pondering the request.
Then he looked down and said, “Come back in five years and ask me again.”
Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage.
God paused for quite a while, musing over their request.
Then he spoke, “Come back in five years and ask me again.”
And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God’s permission for the third time to marry.
This time God smiled broadly and thundered, “Yes my children, you may marry!”
Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until…
Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good.
The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn’t last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.
Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder.
God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, “Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!”
This young couple invited their parson
He picked up the phone

27.



The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work.
“I have great news for you.
Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing with happiness and kissing his wife when she said:
“I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”
A husband and wife were sitting
A husband and wife are in bed

28.



One day in the hospital, two little boys were lying on stretchers next to each other outside of the operating room.
The first boy leans over and asks, “What are you in for?”
“I’m here to get my tonsils out and I’m nervous,” the second boy says.
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about! I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of ice cream and Jell-O It’s a breeze!”
“Well what are you here for?” the second kid asks.
“A circumcision.” The first kid replays woefully.
The second kid says “Wow! I had that done when I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year!”
A busload of politicians
A blind man

29.



A ship was travelling in a dangerous part of the sea.
The captain saw a pirate ship approaching their vessel.
The captain yells to his crew, “Men, bring me my red shirt!”
The crew brings him his red shirt, he puts it on, and leads the men in battle.
They lose one man, but on the whole it was a great victory everyone wonders what the deal is with the red shirt, but they just shrug it off.
A few days later, the captain sees 2 pirate ships in the distance.
He again yells, “Men, bring me my red shirt!”
The crew does so, and they fight off the pirates.
They lose a few more men this time, but at least most of them are unharmed.
However, this time curiosity got the best of them, and they ask the Captain why he’s asked for his red shirt during the battles.
He answers, “Well crew, I know all of you look to me for support and morale.
I knew there would be a good chance of me getting injured, and I didn’t want you to see me all bloody and fear that all is lost.
Therefore I put on a red shirt so that my injuries will blend in with the shirt.”
A few weeks later, the ship is travelling in another sea, and in the distance, there are suddenly 10 fearsome pirate ships.
The captain spots them and yells, “Men, bring me my brown pants!”
On his first day on the job
Nasreddin Hodja was once brought

30.



A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting.
I’m a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars!
There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.
The man replied, “I agree with you completely.”
“This must be a sign from God!”
The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle.”
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No
I think I’ll just wait for the police.”
A man who worked for the post office
A doctor entered the hospital