1.
A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores.
“Not yet,” says the little boy.
His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won’t be getting any breakfast.
Well, he’s a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one.
He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”
A old man and his wife lived deep hills
A couple was dining out
A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores.
“Not yet,” says the little boy.
His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won’t be getting any breakfast.
Well, he’s a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one.
He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”
A old man and his wife lived deep hills
A couple was dining out
2.
![Funny Jokes]()
An old lady goes to her bank and presents a cheque for Rs 1000/- to the cashier, a young girl.
Cashier: lady, you should withdraw such small amounts from the ATM outside. Don’t waste a cheque leaf and my time.
Old lady: What’s the problem with giving me Rs 1000/- cash?
Cashier: Sorry lady, can’t be done. You either go to the ATM, or increase the amount to be withdrawn.
Old lady: Okay, I want to withdraw all money in my account, keeping a minimum mandatory balance.
The cashier checks her account balance and finds it to be over Rs 80 lakhs!
She says, “we don’t have that much cash in the safe right now. But if you give me a cheque for Rs 80 lakhs, we can arrange the cash tomorrow.”
Old lady: How much can you give me right now?
Cashier: checks the bank’s cash balance lady, I can give you Rs 10 lakhs straight away.
The old lady tears off the earlier cheque of Rs 1000/-, writes a new one for Rs 10 lakhs and hands it to the cashier.
While the young girl is gone to the vault to get the cash, the old lady grabs a cash deposit slip from the public shelf and fills it up.
The young girl returns with the cash, meticulously counts out Rs 10 lakhs, gives it to the old lady and says,
“there you are, lady. Now you will have to carry this pile home on your own. But count your money before leaving the counter. I won’t entertain any complaint later.”
The old lady picks out two notes of Rs 500/- from the pile, puts them in her purse and says,
“I trust you, I don’t need to count. Now, here’s a cash deposit slip. Please deposit Rs 9,99,000/- into my account and give me the stamped and signed counterfoil. And yes, count the cash in my presence.”
Two elderly ladies had been friends
A grandma was cleaning her attic with her cat
An old lady goes to her bank and presents a cheque for Rs 1000/- to the cashier, a young girl.
Cashier: lady, you should withdraw such small amounts from the ATM outside. Don’t waste a cheque leaf and my time.
Old lady: What’s the problem with giving me Rs 1000/- cash?
Cashier: Sorry lady, can’t be done. You either go to the ATM, or increase the amount to be withdrawn.
Old lady: Okay, I want to withdraw all money in my account, keeping a minimum mandatory balance.
The cashier checks her account balance and finds it to be over Rs 80 lakhs!
She says, “we don’t have that much cash in the safe right now. But if you give me a cheque for Rs 80 lakhs, we can arrange the cash tomorrow.”
Old lady: How much can you give me right now?
Cashier: checks the bank’s cash balance lady, I can give you Rs 10 lakhs straight away.
The old lady tears off the earlier cheque of Rs 1000/-, writes a new one for Rs 10 lakhs and hands it to the cashier.
While the young girl is gone to the vault to get the cash, the old lady grabs a cash deposit slip from the public shelf and fills it up.
The young girl returns with the cash, meticulously counts out Rs 10 lakhs, gives it to the old lady and says,
“there you are, lady. Now you will have to carry this pile home on your own. But count your money before leaving the counter. I won’t entertain any complaint later.”
The old lady picks out two notes of Rs 500/- from the pile, puts them in her purse and says,
“I trust you, I don’t need to count. Now, here’s a cash deposit slip. Please deposit Rs 9,99,000/- into my account and give me the stamped and signed counterfoil. And yes, count the cash in my presence.”
Two elderly ladies had been friends
A grandma was cleaning her attic with her cat
3.
![Funny Jokes]()
Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching and Little Johnny was anxious to receive and give Valentine cards during his classroom party,..
Mainly because there were two girls he was particularly very fond of.
The rest of his class received the usual “store bought” cheap Valentines that read cutesy “Be Mines”,..
But he took special care and time in hand-making two special cards for these two sweethearts in his life.
The first read:
Roses are Red, Pickles are Green,
I love your legs and what’s in between.
I like your style, I like your class,
But most of all I love your a*s.
And to the other girl he wrote:
Roses are Stupid, Violets are Silly!
Bend over Babe ’cause here comes my Willy!
Coming into the bar and ordering
A minister gave a talk to the community center
Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching and Little Johnny was anxious to receive and give Valentine cards during his classroom party,..
Mainly because there were two girls he was particularly very fond of.
The rest of his class received the usual “store bought” cheap Valentines that read cutesy “Be Mines”,..
But he took special care and time in hand-making two special cards for these two sweethearts in his life.
The first read:
Roses are Red, Pickles are Green,
I love your legs and what’s in between.
I like your style, I like your class,
But most of all I love your a*s.
And to the other girl he wrote:
Roses are Stupid, Violets are Silly!
Bend over Babe ’cause here comes my Willy!
Coming into the bar and ordering
A minister gave a talk to the community center
4.
![Funny Jokes]()
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something.”
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde.
I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt.
The guy sitting next to me is 6’2″, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player.
The fella to your right is 6’5″ pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
He dialed the employees home phone number
A old Doberman starts chasing rabbits
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something.”
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde.
I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt.
The guy sitting next to me is 6’2″, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player.
The fella to your right is 6’5″ pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
He dialed the employees home phone number
A old Doberman starts chasing rabbits
5.
![Funny Jokes]()
Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation.
“It’s terrible,” she said to the doctor.
“I haven’t moved my bowels in more than a week.”
“I see. Have you done anything about it?” asked the doctor.
“Oh, yes,” Aunt Cora replied,
“I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night.”
“No,” the doctor said,
“I mean do you take anything?”
“Of course I do.” she answered,
“I take a magazine.”
He gets a checkup with his physician
A old man was seated by the shoreline
Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation.
“It’s terrible,” she said to the doctor.
“I haven’t moved my bowels in more than a week.”
“I see. Have you done anything about it?” asked the doctor.
“Oh, yes,” Aunt Cora replied,
“I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night.”
“No,” the doctor said,
“I mean do you take anything?”
“Of course I do.” she answered,
“I take a magazine.”
He gets a checkup with his physician
A old man was seated by the shoreline
6.
![Funny Jokes]()
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
Two guys are walking through a game park
One drunk says to the other
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
Two guys are walking through a game park
One drunk says to the other
7.
![Funny Jokes]()
A fox sneaked into a farm and grabbed a prize rooster.
The farmer saw him and raised the alarm and he and his dogs started chasing the thief.
The fox, though he was holding the rooster in his mouth, was running very fast.
“Get him! Get him!” shouted “No!” suddenly screamed the rooster.
“Don’t come near me!”
“My master was very cruel to me,” explained the rooster to the fox.
“Tell him to stay away from me.”
The fox was delighted
“He wants you to stay away from him!” he shouted at the farmer, releasing his hold on the rooster.
The rooster flew up into a tree and stayed there until he was rescued by his master.
Two women sitting in the doctor waiting room
The Bearded Fool
A fox sneaked into a farm and grabbed a prize rooster.
The farmer saw him and raised the alarm and he and his dogs started chasing the thief.
The fox, though he was holding the rooster in his mouth, was running very fast.
“Get him! Get him!” shouted “No!” suddenly screamed the rooster.
“Don’t come near me!”
“My master was very cruel to me,” explained the rooster to the fox.
“Tell him to stay away from me.”
The fox was delighted
“He wants you to stay away from him!” he shouted at the farmer, releasing his hold on the rooster.
The rooster flew up into a tree and stayed there until he was rescued by his master.
Two women sitting in the doctor waiting room
The Bearded Fool
8.
![Funny Jokes]()
An old man who loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”
He looked around and couldn’t see any one.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.”
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, “Are you talking to me?”
The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I’ll then give you more bang pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of.”
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front melons pocket.
Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you bang pleasures like you have never had.”
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, “Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
Two man are in a bar getting drunk
Mrs Potts went to the doctor
An old man who loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”
He looked around and couldn’t see any one.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.”
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, “Are you talking to me?”
The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I’ll then give you more bang pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of.”
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front melons pocket.
Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you bang pleasures like you have never had.”
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, “Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
Two man are in a bar getting drunk
Mrs Potts went to the doctor
9.
![Funny Jokes]()
A man is having dinner with his new girlfriend’s family.
They spend the early part of the evening talking, getting to know each other, and just generally having a good time.
After about an hour in however suddenly the father stops mid conversation, puts on some sneakers, and dashes around the dining room table a few times.
Before the man can voice his confusion, the girlfriend’s family burst into laughter.
They stop after a minute and carry on like normal.
This happens three more times during the night and the boyfriend says nothing out of fear and wanting to avoid putting a damper on the evening.
After the dinner and everyone said their goodbyes the man confronts his girlfriend after they arrive home.
“What the hell was with the laps around the table and the loud laughter?” He says panicked.
The wife turns to him and says “Calm down honey, nothing to get excited about. Our family just has a few running jokes.”
After an hour of gathering up his courage
A German guy lets his wife travel to Paris alone
A man is having dinner with his new girlfriend’s family.
They spend the early part of the evening talking, getting to know each other, and just generally having a good time.
After about an hour in however suddenly the father stops mid conversation, puts on some sneakers, and dashes around the dining room table a few times.
Before the man can voice his confusion, the girlfriend’s family burst into laughter.
They stop after a minute and carry on like normal.
This happens three more times during the night and the boyfriend says nothing out of fear and wanting to avoid putting a damper on the evening.
After the dinner and everyone said their goodbyes the man confronts his girlfriend after they arrive home.
“What the hell was with the laps around the table and the loud laughter?” He says panicked.
The wife turns to him and says “Calm down honey, nothing to get excited about. Our family just has a few running jokes.”
After an hour of gathering up his courage
A German guy lets his wife travel to Paris alone
10.
![Funny Jokes]()
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any lovemaking in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a make love therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she go and see Dr Chang, the well-known make love therapist.
So she went to see him and upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said,
‘OK, take off all you crose.’
So she did.
Dr Chang then said,
‘Ok now, crawl reery fass to the other side of the room.’
So she did.
Dr Chang then said,
‘OK’ now crawl reery fass to me,’
So she did.
Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said,
‘Your problem very bad, you had Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I
ever see, that why you not had make love or dates.’
Confused the woman asked,
‘What is Ed Zachary Disease?’
Two drunks are walking along
Two guys are sitting at a bar
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any lovemaking in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a make love therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she go and see Dr Chang, the well-known make love therapist.
So she went to see him and upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said,
‘OK, take off all you crose.’
So she did.
Dr Chang then said,
‘Ok now, crawl reery fass to the other side of the room.’
So she did.
Dr Chang then said,
‘OK’ now crawl reery fass to me,’
So she did.
Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said,
‘Your problem very bad, you had Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I
ever see, that why you not had make love or dates.’
Confused the woman asked,
‘What is Ed Zachary Disease?’
Two drunks are walking along
Two guys are sitting at a bar
11.
![Funny Jokes]()
A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.
“What’s up, John?” asked the farmer.
“Gosh Bob, I’ll tell you what if I don’t sell a tractor soon, I’m gonna have to close my shop.”
“Now John, things could be worse,” said Bob.
“How do you figure?” asked John.
“Well, John you know my ‘ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter.
Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall.
Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me!
But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn’t you just know it…my damn pants fell down.”
“And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I’ll buy a tractor from you.”
A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole
A blonde decides to make an experiment
A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.
“What’s up, John?” asked the farmer.
“Gosh Bob, I’ll tell you what if I don’t sell a tractor soon, I’m gonna have to close my shop.”
“Now John, things could be worse,” said Bob.
“How do you figure?” asked John.
“Well, John you know my ‘ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter.
Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall.
Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me!
But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn’t you just know it…my damn pants fell down.”
“And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I’ll buy a tractor from you.”
A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole
A blonde decides to make an experiment
12.
![Funny Jokes]()
On his first day on the job, the trainee dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone.
“Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!”
The voice from the other side responded,
“You fool, you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?”
“No,” replied the trainee.
“It’s the Managing Director of the company, idiot!”
The trainee shouted back: “And do you know who You are talking to, you idiot?”
“No!” replied the Managing Director indignantly.
“Thank god for that!” replied the trainee and slammed down the phone.
Johnny was sitting in class
The captain saw a pirate ship
On his first day on the job, the trainee dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone.
“Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!”
The voice from the other side responded,
“You fool, you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?”
“No,” replied the trainee.
“It’s the Managing Director of the company, idiot!”
The trainee shouted back: “And do you know who You are talking to, you idiot?”
“No!” replied the Managing Director indignantly.
“Thank god for that!” replied the trainee and slammed down the phone.
Johnny was sitting in class
The captain saw a pirate ship
13.
![Funny Jokes]()
The wife calls her Scientist Husband.
“Honey ! It’s Saturday night you are late”…
Husband: “I am busy with my team in an experiment.”
Wife: “What’s that experiment?”
Scientist Husband:
“We’ve just added a derivative of C2H5OH with ambient temperature H2O and aqueous CO2, to cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O.
Now while waiting for some protein, we are fumigating the lab with vapors of nicotine.
It’s a 4 or 5 round experiment, So I will be late.”
Wife: “Oh dear. I won’t disturb you, You take your time”.
Clarifications:- * C2H5OH (whiskey) * H2O(water) * CO2(soda) * Solidified H2O(ice) * Protein(chicken tikka) * Fumigating (smoking)
A Old Man And Woman
A wife comes home
The wife calls her Scientist Husband.
“Honey ! It’s Saturday night you are late”…
Husband: “I am busy with my team in an experiment.”
Wife: “What’s that experiment?”
Scientist Husband:
“We’ve just added a derivative of C2H5OH with ambient temperature H2O and aqueous CO2, to cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O.
Now while waiting for some protein, we are fumigating the lab with vapors of nicotine.
It’s a 4 or 5 round experiment, So I will be late.”
Wife: “Oh dear. I won’t disturb you, You take your time”.
Clarifications:- * C2H5OH (whiskey) * H2O(water) * CO2(soda) * Solidified H2O(ice) * Protein(chicken tikka) * Fumigating (smoking)
A Old Man And Woman
A wife comes home
14.
![Funny Jokes]()
A man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”
“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
A grandfather and grandson were hike together
A teacher said to her student
A man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”
“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
A grandfather and grandson were hike together
A teacher said to her student
15.
![Funny Jokes]()
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
The doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days.
This, he promised, would help her lose the 20 pounds she’s been trying to get rid of.
The blonde followed the doctor’s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky 20 pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
“How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?”
A woman finds magic lamp
The old lady handed her bank card
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
The doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days.
This, he promised, would help her lose the 20 pounds she’s been trying to get rid of.
The blonde followed the doctor’s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky 20 pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
“How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?”
A woman finds magic lamp
The old lady handed her bank card
16.
![Funny Jokes]()
Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters .
So the first man went up to they’re father and said “can I sleep with your 18 daughters?” the father said “no but you can sleep with the pigs.”
the second man went to the father and said “can I sleep with your 18 daughters?” the father said ” no but you can sleep with the cows.”
the third man said “can I sleep with your 18 daughters?” the father said “yes.”
so in the morning the three men and the father had a conversation over breakfast the first man said “I slept like a pig” the second man said “I slept like a cow” the third man said “I felt like a golfer” the father asked why? he said cause I got my balls in 18 holes.
Girl melons got one size bigger
Three Nuns Are Talking
Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters .
So the first man went up to they’re father and said “can I sleep with your 18 daughters?” the father said “no but you can sleep with the pigs.”
the second man went to the father and said “can I sleep with your 18 daughters?” the father said ” no but you can sleep with the cows.”
the third man said “can I sleep with your 18 daughters?” the father said “yes.”
so in the morning the three men and the father had a conversation over breakfast the first man said “I slept like a pig” the second man said “I slept like a cow” the third man said “I felt like a golfer” the father asked why? he said cause I got my balls in 18 holes.
Girl melons got one size bigger
Three Nuns Are Talking
17.
![Funny Jokes]()
Harry had been feeling sick lately and was finally convinced to see the Doctor after his wife Suzy’s urging.
After a thorough examination, and much thought, the Doctor was ready to tell Harry and a very worried Suzy, his prognosis.
Harry was too stressed out.
He would need 6 months of pure relaxation.
Suzy, very agitated, took out her notepad to begin writing down his list of orders for these months of relaxation.
“How should I go about it?” asked Harry.
“OK” said the doctor “I would like your wife to take one tranquilizer four times a day.”
The CEO of a large company
Sam was the owner of a worldwide
Harry had been feeling sick lately and was finally convinced to see the Doctor after his wife Suzy’s urging.
After a thorough examination, and much thought, the Doctor was ready to tell Harry and a very worried Suzy, his prognosis.
Harry was too stressed out.
He would need 6 months of pure relaxation.
Suzy, very agitated, took out her notepad to begin writing down his list of orders for these months of relaxation.
“How should I go about it?” asked Harry.
“OK” said the doctor “I would like your wife to take one tranquilizer four times a day.”
The CEO of a large company
Sam was the owner of a worldwide
18.
![Funny Jokes]()
A man goes inside a pet shop and starts to move around the cages to scout the pets.
He sees a monkey with a price of 5000$ and goes to the merchant to ask for details.
Hey mister, the monkey…what does it know to worth that much money?
Well, it knows Windows 95, 98, 2000, and also knows Word, C++, Visual Basic and last but not least, it knows how to play computer games.
Good monkey, it’s worth the money.
He goes and finds another monkey with a price of 10000$ and again he will ask the merchant.
“What does this monkey know?”
“It knows Linux, Unix, Co rel and Auto-cad.”
“Nice, even I don’t know those things.”
On a last scout run he finds another monkey just sitting there with a price 20000$.
The story repeats, and he goes with a lack of confidence to ask the merchant for details.
“And what does this monkey do for that ridiculous amount of money?”
“I never saw her doing anything, but the other two call her Project Manager!”
A security guard has a dream
The bank robber
A man goes inside a pet shop and starts to move around the cages to scout the pets.
He sees a monkey with a price of 5000$ and goes to the merchant to ask for details.
Hey mister, the monkey…what does it know to worth that much money?
Well, it knows Windows 95, 98, 2000, and also knows Word, C++, Visual Basic and last but not least, it knows how to play computer games.
Good monkey, it’s worth the money.
He goes and finds another monkey with a price of 10000$ and again he will ask the merchant.
“What does this monkey know?”
“It knows Linux, Unix, Co rel and Auto-cad.”
“Nice, even I don’t know those things.”
On a last scout run he finds another monkey just sitting there with a price 20000$.
The story repeats, and he goes with a lack of confidence to ask the merchant for details.
“And what does this monkey do for that ridiculous amount of money?”
“I never saw her doing anything, but the other two call her Project Manager!”
A security guard has a dream
The bank robber
19.
![Funny Jokes]()
Alan’s wife called him as he was at in the pub last night.
“I’ve cooked dinner,” she screamed,
“And if you’re not home within 20 minutes I’m going to feed it to the dog.”
“Woooah! That’s bang out of order!”
Alan said, “It’s not his fault.”
A old woman was arrested for shoplifting
A baby elephant and a baby turtle
Alan’s wife called him as he was at in the pub last night.
“I’ve cooked dinner,” she screamed,
“And if you’re not home within 20 minutes I’m going to feed it to the dog.”
“Woooah! That’s bang out of order!”
Alan said, “It’s not his fault.”
A old woman was arrested for shoplifting
A baby elephant and a baby turtle
20.
![Funny Jokes]()
A poor boy was in love with a rich man’s daughter overcome with his love for the girl, the boy proposed to her.
However, the rich girl derisively rejected him and said, “Your monthly salary is equivalent to my daily expenses how do you expect me to marry someone like you? I can never love you so forget about me go find and marry someone else of your level.”
Despite being rejected so hurtfully, for some reason, the boy could not forget her so easily roughly 10 years later, they accidentally ran into each other in a shopping mall.
She immediately recognized the man and said, “Hey, how are you? I’m now married to a very smart man, and his salary is $15,700 per month! Can you beat that?”
The man, hearing those painful words from the woman he used to care for, held back his tears and said nothing not a few moments passed when the woman’s husband came back to her side.
But before the lady could say a word, her husband immediately recognized the man she was talking to and said,
“Sir? G-good afternoon! I see you’ve met my wife!”
“Good afternoon too, Mr…?”, said the man.
“Mr Carter, Sir!” The husband then turned to his wife and said,
“Dear, I’d like you to meet my boss he owns the $100 million project I’ve been working on!”
The woman, left flabbergasted by the turn of events, was not able to say anything back.
The man just smiled and said, “Well, Mr Carter I’ve got to get going, I have important things to attend to It was splendid seeing you today have a great day!”
For a minute, the couple just stared at the man as he walked away having been over her initial shock, the woman asked her husband in disbelief, “That was your boss?”
“Yes, dear he’s a very humble person but his life is quite a sad story they said he once loved a lady but she dumped him because he was just a poor boy back then.
Because of that, he worked really hard and because he’s smart, he became successful now he’s a multimillionaire who earns millions of dollars a month.
Unfortunately though, he couldn’t move on from that heartbreak and remains unmarried still.”
The husband went on and said, “How lucky would that lady have been if she had married that man?”
The lady looked in total shock and couldn’t utter a word.
The doctor tells him
Drunken Lady
A poor boy was in love with a rich man’s daughter overcome with his love for the girl, the boy proposed to her.
However, the rich girl derisively rejected him and said, “Your monthly salary is equivalent to my daily expenses how do you expect me to marry someone like you? I can never love you so forget about me go find and marry someone else of your level.”
Despite being rejected so hurtfully, for some reason, the boy could not forget her so easily roughly 10 years later, they accidentally ran into each other in a shopping mall.
She immediately recognized the man and said, “Hey, how are you? I’m now married to a very smart man, and his salary is $15,700 per month! Can you beat that?”
The man, hearing those painful words from the woman he used to care for, held back his tears and said nothing not a few moments passed when the woman’s husband came back to her side.
But before the lady could say a word, her husband immediately recognized the man she was talking to and said,
“Sir? G-good afternoon! I see you’ve met my wife!”
“Good afternoon too, Mr…?”, said the man.
“Mr Carter, Sir!” The husband then turned to his wife and said,
“Dear, I’d like you to meet my boss he owns the $100 million project I’ve been working on!”
The woman, left flabbergasted by the turn of events, was not able to say anything back.
The man just smiled and said, “Well, Mr Carter I’ve got to get going, I have important things to attend to It was splendid seeing you today have a great day!”
For a minute, the couple just stared at the man as he walked away having been over her initial shock, the woman asked her husband in disbelief, “That was your boss?”
“Yes, dear he’s a very humble person but his life is quite a sad story they said he once loved a lady but she dumped him because he was just a poor boy back then.
Because of that, he worked really hard and because he’s smart, he became successful now he’s a multimillionaire who earns millions of dollars a month.
Unfortunately though, he couldn’t move on from that heartbreak and remains unmarried still.”
The husband went on and said, “How lucky would that lady have been if she had married that man?”
The lady looked in total shock and couldn’t utter a word.
The doctor tells him
Drunken Lady
21.
![Funny Jokes]()
A man named Marty called his son.
“Harry I have news to tell you, I know it’s going to upset you but I have made up my mind and there is nothing you can do about it. I have decided to divorce your mother.”
“But dad how can that be the son asked you have been married for 40 years, and you always seemed to get along? What happened suddenly?”
“Son, I have made up my mind, and I don’t want you to try to convince me out of it.”
“OK” the son responded but promise me you won’t do anything until I come and talk to you in person, and I am going to ask all of the siblings to fly in also.
“Alright” said the father hanging up you have my word.
“Well” said Marty, turning to his wife “I got them all to come in and I didn’t even have to pay for the tickets.”
Dave took Mary out for dinner
Little Bob went with his mom to church
A man named Marty called his son.
“Harry I have news to tell you, I know it’s going to upset you but I have made up my mind and there is nothing you can do about it. I have decided to divorce your mother.”
“But dad how can that be the son asked you have been married for 40 years, and you always seemed to get along? What happened suddenly?”
“Son, I have made up my mind, and I don’t want you to try to convince me out of it.”
“OK” the son responded but promise me you won’t do anything until I come and talk to you in person, and I am going to ask all of the siblings to fly in also.
“Alright” said the father hanging up you have my word.
“Well” said Marty, turning to his wife “I got them all to come in and I didn’t even have to pay for the tickets.”
Dave took Mary out for dinner
Little Bob went with his mom to church
22.
![Funny Jokes]()
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in two’s for the day.
That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of a ten point buck.
“Where’s Henry?”
“Henry had a stroke of some kind He’s a couple of miles back up the trail.”
“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!”
“A tough call,” nodded the hunter, “but I figured no one is going to steal Henry.”
Larry a local football star
A blonde was summoned to court
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in two’s for the day.
That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of a ten point buck.
“Where’s Henry?”
“Henry had a stroke of some kind He’s a couple of miles back up the trail.”
“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!”
“A tough call,” nodded the hunter, “but I figured no one is going to steal Henry.”
Larry a local football star
A blonde was summoned to court
23.
![Funny Jokes]()
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the 9 kids are able to fit on the bus.
After hearing about the predicament, the blind man lets the children get on instead of him.
The wife asks her husband to take their youngest in the baby carriage and walk home.
Since the blind man had been such a gentleman and let the family get on instead of him, the New Yorker decides that he’ll take a detour and walk the blind man home.
As the bus drove off, the two men started to walk while the baby slept.
After a while, the baby woke up from the sound of the blind man’s stick hitting the sidewalk, and started crying.
The father, already irritated from missing the bus, got even more frustrated.
He said, ”Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That sound is driving me crazy!”
The blind man replied, ”If you had put rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus!”
little boys were lying on stretchers
A attorney arrived home late
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the 9 kids are able to fit on the bus.
After hearing about the predicament, the blind man lets the children get on instead of him.
The wife asks her husband to take their youngest in the baby carriage and walk home.
Since the blind man had been such a gentleman and let the family get on instead of him, the New Yorker decides that he’ll take a detour and walk the blind man home.
As the bus drove off, the two men started to walk while the baby slept.
After a while, the baby woke up from the sound of the blind man’s stick hitting the sidewalk, and started crying.
The father, already irritated from missing the bus, got even more frustrated.
He said, ”Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That sound is driving me crazy!”
The blind man replied, ”If you had put rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus!”
little boys were lying on stretchers
A attorney arrived home late
24.
![Funny Jokes]()
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later: “Da-ad…” “What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
“Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??”
“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!”
“Five minutes later…
“Daaaa-aaaad…”
“WHAT??!!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”
A man walks into a store
A man had been drinking at the bar
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later: “Da-ad…” “What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
“Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??”
“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!”
“Five minutes later…
“Daaaa-aaaad…”
“WHAT??!!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”
A man walks into a store
A man had been drinking at the bar
25.
![Funny Jokes]()
Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory.
They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house.
Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.
One day, they heard, “Yellow, blue, black.”
One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear.
She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, “Black, black, black.”
Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished.
One of the nuns spoke up, “Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird.”
After saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.
Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot’s house.
They peeked at the bird.
At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.
Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, “Straight, Straight, Curly!”
A family is sitting around the supper table
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says
Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory.
They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house.
Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.
One day, they heard, “Yellow, blue, black.”
One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear.
She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, “Black, black, black.”
Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished.
One of the nuns spoke up, “Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird.”
After saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.
Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot’s house.
They peeked at the bird.
At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.
Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, “Straight, Straight, Curly!”
A family is sitting around the supper table
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says
26.
![Funny Jokes]()
A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a terrible phobia.
“Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible fear that there is something underneath.”
“Wow” responded the psychiatrist in amazement.
“I’ve never heard of such a phobia, but like all phobias it can be treated, but it will likely take around 20 sessions.”
OK” responded the lady “how much is each session?”
“Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s well worth it.”
When the lady didn’t come back to the psychiatrist he gave the lady a call.
“How come I didn’t hear from you?” He asked.
“Well” responded the lady “when I came home and told my husband about the cost he thought he would save some money and just cut the legs off the bed!”
Two old men decide they are close
A elderly Florida lady did her shopping
A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a terrible phobia.
“Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible fear that there is something underneath.”
“Wow” responded the psychiatrist in amazement.
“I’ve never heard of such a phobia, but like all phobias it can be treated, but it will likely take around 20 sessions.”
OK” responded the lady “how much is each session?”
“Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s well worth it.”
When the lady didn’t come back to the psychiatrist he gave the lady a call.
“How come I didn’t hear from you?” He asked.
“Well” responded the lady “when I came home and told my husband about the cost he thought he would save some money and just cut the legs off the bed!”
Two old men decide they are close
A elderly Florida lady did her shopping
27.
![Funny Jokes]()
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
“So what do you do?” the bartender chats him up.
“Well I used to work in food service, but I just got a new job in IT,” the guy says.
“How was it changing careers?” the bartender asks.
“Well, you know, a job is a job. I guess the biggest difference is that the phase ‘My server went down on me,’ is no longer a good thing,” the guy replies.
A 45 year old woman arrives home
A married couple is sleeping
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
“So what do you do?” the bartender chats him up.
“Well I used to work in food service, but I just got a new job in IT,” the guy says.
“How was it changing careers?” the bartender asks.
“Well, you know, a job is a job. I guess the biggest difference is that the phase ‘My server went down on me,’ is no longer a good thing,” the guy replies.
A 45 year old woman arrives home
A married couple is sleeping
28.
![Funny Jokes]()
A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate their anniversary.
The taxi arrived, and, just as they started out the door, their dog shot back into the house.
They didn’t want the dog shut inside all night, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband took care of the dog.
The wife, not wanting it known that their home would be empty all evening, explained to the driver, “My husband will be here in a moment. He’s just saying good-bye to my mother.”
When the breathless husband finally climbed into the cab, he said, “Sorry I took so long, but I had to poke that stupid bitch with a coat hanger to get her to come out from under the bed!
Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her bum downstairs and tossed her in the backyard!”
The silence in the cab was deafening.
Two deaf men were talking
Sam called his wife and said
A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate their anniversary.
The taxi arrived, and, just as they started out the door, their dog shot back into the house.
They didn’t want the dog shut inside all night, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband took care of the dog.
The wife, not wanting it known that their home would be empty all evening, explained to the driver, “My husband will be here in a moment. He’s just saying good-bye to my mother.”
When the breathless husband finally climbed into the cab, he said, “Sorry I took so long, but I had to poke that stupid bitch with a coat hanger to get her to come out from under the bed!
Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her bum downstairs and tossed her in the backyard!”
The silence in the cab was deafening.
Two deaf men were talking
Sam called his wife and said
29.
![Funny Jokes]()
He looks around, and takes a seat neat to a very attractive women.
He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The women notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No”, he replies, “Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.”
The intrigued women says “A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?”
Bond explains “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically”.
The lady says “Whats it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you are not wearing any underwear.”
The women giggles and replies, “Well , it must be broken because I am wearing underwear”
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, “Bloody thing’s an hour fast.”
A man owns a rabbit farm and is known
The old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon
He looks around, and takes a seat neat to a very attractive women.
He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The women notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No”, he replies, “Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.”
The intrigued women says “A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?”
Bond explains “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically”.
The lady says “Whats it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you are not wearing any underwear.”
The women giggles and replies, “Well , it must be broken because I am wearing underwear”
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, “Bloody thing’s an hour fast.”
A man owns a rabbit farm and is known
The old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon
30.
![Funny Jokes]()
Three guys are in a Cessna.
The first drops a penny out the window.
The second drops a pencil and the third a bomb.
When the plane lands, the first guy goes to see where the penny landed.
He sees a guy swearing and trying to get a penny out of his forehead.
The second sees a girl holding her dog who has a pencil through his head.
The third guy sees a guy laughing his head off.
He asks, “Why are you laughing?”
The guy says, “I was cooking on my BBQ when I farted…”
“What’s so funny about that?”
“It blew my neighbor’s house apart!”
A man walks into a bank and says
Three blondes are talking about
Three guys are in a Cessna.
The first drops a penny out the window.
The second drops a pencil and the third a bomb.
When the plane lands, the first guy goes to see where the penny landed.
He sees a guy swearing and trying to get a penny out of his forehead.
The second sees a girl holding her dog who has a pencil through his head.
The third guy sees a guy laughing his head off.
He asks, “Why are you laughing?”
The guy says, “I was cooking on my BBQ when I farted…”
“What’s so funny about that?”
“It blew my neighbor’s house apart!”
A man walks into a bank and says
Three blondes are talking about
Tags:
Eng Jokes
