1.
Mary and her five-year old son were putting cookies for Santa under the Christmas tree when Mary dropped a cookie on the floor.
“Don’t worry,” she said, dusting it off before putting it back on the plate.
“You can’t do that,” protested the son.
Mary replied, “It’s okay. Santa will never know.”
He gave his mother a look and said, “So he knows if I’ve been a bad or good kid, but he doesn’t know the cookie fell on the floor?”
Little kids want to help you
A ship captain was alerted
Mary and her five-year old son were putting cookies for Santa under the Christmas tree when Mary dropped a cookie on the floor.
“Don’t worry,” she said, dusting it off before putting it back on the plate.
“You can’t do that,” protested the son.
Mary replied, “It’s okay. Santa will never know.”
He gave his mother a look and said, “So he knows if I’ve been a bad or good kid, but he doesn’t know the cookie fell on the floor?”
Little kids want to help you
A ship captain was alerted
2.
A woman goes to the store to buy a parrot as a family pet.
As she walks into the pet shop, she asks the owner, “How much are your parrots?”
The owner replies, “The orange one is $150, the yellow one is $150 and the red one is $30.”
The woman asks, “Why is the red one so cheap?”
The owner replies, “He used to work at a strip club.”
The woman decides to buy the parrot and brings it home to the family.
After bringing it home the parrot says “wow, you have a lovely house.”
The wife then introduces him to the children.
The parrot says, “You have very nice children.”
Finally, when the wife introduces him to her husband, the parrot says, “I haven’t seen him since last week!”
Ethel and Mabel two elderly widows
A man is driving down a country road
A woman goes to the store to buy a parrot as a family pet.
As she walks into the pet shop, she asks the owner, “How much are your parrots?”
The owner replies, “The orange one is $150, the yellow one is $150 and the red one is $30.”
The woman asks, “Why is the red one so cheap?”
The owner replies, “He used to work at a strip club.”
The woman decides to buy the parrot and brings it home to the family.
After bringing it home the parrot says “wow, you have a lovely house.”
The wife then introduces him to the children.
The parrot says, “You have very nice children.”
Finally, when the wife introduces him to her husband, the parrot says, “I haven’t seen him since last week!”
Ethel and Mabel two elderly widows
A man is driving down a country road
3.
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes”, the wife answers, “Why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that critter on the phone. I’m lost and need directions!!!”
A mother was teaching her child
A young Redhead goes into the doctor
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes”, the wife answers, “Why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that critter on the phone. I’m lost and need directions!!!”
A mother was teaching her child
A young Redhead goes into the doctor
4.
A kindergarten teacher is having her birthday and three of her students decided to bring her a gift.
The first students was little Timmy and his dad owned a Candy Store.
Timmy walked up to his teacher and handed her a nice little gift wrapped box
The teacher thanked the student and told him, she wanted to see if she could guess what was in the box.
The little boy excitedly agreed and after about twenty seconds the teacher said, “Is it candy!?”
The little boy surprisingly and a little disappointed walked back to his desk.
The second student was Taylor and her dad owned a kitchen appliance store
She walked up to her teacher with a fancily wrapped box about the size of a Football.
The teacher took the box and asked if she could try to guess what was in the box.
Taylor excitedly agreed and handed the package over to her teacher.
The teacher stood there thinking for about forty five seconds then said, “Is it a Toaster!?”
The little girl was surprised and asked the teacher how she knew
The teacher smiled wide, thanked the student, and Taylor returned to her desk.
The third student was Sarah and her dad owned a winery
She walked up to the teacher with a box that was a little bigger than the teacher was expecting.
The teacher smiled and asked if she could guess what was in the box
Sarah happily agreed, and handed over the box to her teacher.
At this point, the entire classroom wanted to know if the teacher was going to get it right
The teacher started thinking, – the box felt a little lopsided, but she figured the gift just hadn’t been packaged well.
After about a minute the teacher noticed little yellow drops coming from the side of the box.
The teacher excitedly said, “Is it wine!?” and proceeded to taste some of the dripping liquid.
The student smiled, and said, “No It’s a puppy!”
A singles bar where he spotted
A gorgeous redhead woman
A kindergarten teacher is having her birthday and three of her students decided to bring her a gift.
The first students was little Timmy and his dad owned a Candy Store.
Timmy walked up to his teacher and handed her a nice little gift wrapped box
The teacher thanked the student and told him, she wanted to see if she could guess what was in the box.
The little boy excitedly agreed and after about twenty seconds the teacher said, “Is it candy!?”
The little boy surprisingly and a little disappointed walked back to his desk.
The second student was Taylor and her dad owned a kitchen appliance store
She walked up to her teacher with a fancily wrapped box about the size of a Football.
The teacher took the box and asked if she could try to guess what was in the box.
Taylor excitedly agreed and handed the package over to her teacher.
The teacher stood there thinking for about forty five seconds then said, “Is it a Toaster!?”
The little girl was surprised and asked the teacher how she knew
The teacher smiled wide, thanked the student, and Taylor returned to her desk.
The third student was Sarah and her dad owned a winery
She walked up to the teacher with a box that was a little bigger than the teacher was expecting.
The teacher smiled and asked if she could guess what was in the box
Sarah happily agreed, and handed over the box to her teacher.
At this point, the entire classroom wanted to know if the teacher was going to get it right
The teacher started thinking, – the box felt a little lopsided, but she figured the gift just hadn’t been packaged well.
After about a minute the teacher noticed little yellow drops coming from the side of the box.
The teacher excitedly said, “Is it wine!?” and proceeded to taste some of the dripping liquid.
The student smiled, and said, “No It’s a puppy!”
A singles bar where he spotted
A gorgeous redhead woman
5.
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery.
The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand.
“We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”
“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.
“Can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.
“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”
“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun essayed.
“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered.
“But she’s a humble spinster nun.”
“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not ‘spinsters.’ They are married to God.”
“Wonderful,” said Smith. “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
The math teacher was giving a lesson
A new nurse at a hospital
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery.
The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand.
“We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”
“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.
“Can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.
“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”
“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun essayed.
“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered.
“But she’s a humble spinster nun.”
“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not ‘spinsters.’ They are married to God.”
“Wonderful,” said Smith. “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
The math teacher was giving a lesson
A new nurse at a hospital
6.
A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.
“What’s up, John?” asked the farmer.
“Gosh Bob, I’ll tell you what if I don’t sell a tractor soon, I’m gonna have to close my shop.”
“Now John, things could be worse,” said Bob.
“How do you figure?” asked John.
“Well, John you know my ‘ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter.
Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall.
Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me!
But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn’t you just know it…my damn pants fell down.”
“And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I’ll buy a tractor from you.”
A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole
A blonde decides to make an experiment
A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.
“What’s up, John?” asked the farmer.
“Gosh Bob, I’ll tell you what if I don’t sell a tractor soon, I’m gonna have to close my shop.”
“Now John, things could be worse,” said Bob.
“How do you figure?” asked John.
“Well, John you know my ‘ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter.
Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall.
Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me!
But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn’t you just know it…my damn pants fell down.”
“And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I’ll buy a tractor from you.”
A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole
A blonde decides to make an experiment
7.
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it,
Susan was asked to give her friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
“Tell us Susan, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your husband?”
Susan responds,
“Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”
Two turtles walk into a bar
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it,
Susan was asked to give her friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
“Tell us Susan, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your husband?”
Susan responds,
“Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”
Two turtles walk into a bar
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink
8.
A man strolls into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rubber pack.
She asks, “What size please?”
“Good question,” he replies, “I’m not sure,”
“Tell ya what. Right outside, there’s a fence with three h*les in it, stick your weapon in the h*les and tell me which one it fits in,” suggests the lady.
So he takes her advice, goes outside and puts his weapon in the first h*le.
A woman walks past, see’s his tool and starts feeling it.
The man thinks, “Hey, this ain’t too bad.”
Then he puts his weapon in the second h*le, another woman walks by, and gives him a bl*w job.
At this point, he is literally blown away.
He quickly shoves his weapon in the last h*le, and yet another woman walks by, and she starts to shag him.
After they are done rocking, he high-steps it back inside and goes to the counter.
The assistant asks “What size then?”
“Forget the rubber pack,” says the man, “how much for the fence?”
Sarah goes to school
A deaf man enters a pharmacy
A man strolls into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rubber pack.
She asks, “What size please?”
“Good question,” he replies, “I’m not sure,”
“Tell ya what. Right outside, there’s a fence with three h*les in it, stick your weapon in the h*les and tell me which one it fits in,” suggests the lady.
So he takes her advice, goes outside and puts his weapon in the first h*le.
A woman walks past, see’s his tool and starts feeling it.
The man thinks, “Hey, this ain’t too bad.”
Then he puts his weapon in the second h*le, another woman walks by, and gives him a bl*w job.
At this point, he is literally blown away.
He quickly shoves his weapon in the last h*le, and yet another woman walks by, and she starts to shag him.
After they are done rocking, he high-steps it back inside and goes to the counter.
The assistant asks “What size then?”
“Forget the rubber pack,” says the man, “how much for the fence?”
Sarah goes to school
A deaf man enters a pharmacy
9.
I was walking through the city when I passed a large abbey.
I walked past and noticed many nuns walking around inside the open large doors.
I headed to a tavern located down the street from the abbey.
As I walked in, I was startled to see a woman in religious attire sitting at the counter.
I sat next to her and asked her why she was here.
She said, “don’t tell my sisters, but this place serves the best gin and tonic I’ve ever had!”
I took her at her word and ordered one. She was right.
It was fantastic, and as I finished, I thanked her.
“This is the best drink I’ve ever had, bar nun.
Frank always looked on the bright side
Two cannibals were walling down the street
I was walking through the city when I passed a large abbey.
I walked past and noticed many nuns walking around inside the open large doors.
I headed to a tavern located down the street from the abbey.
As I walked in, I was startled to see a woman in religious attire sitting at the counter.
I sat next to her and asked her why she was here.
She said, “don’t tell my sisters, but this place serves the best gin and tonic I’ve ever had!”
I took her at her word and ordered one. She was right.
It was fantastic, and as I finished, I thanked her.
“This is the best drink I’ve ever had, bar nun.
Frank always looked on the bright side
Two cannibals were walling down the street
10.
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning:
Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies:
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back:
“Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
A man dreams that he is a chicken
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning:
Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies:
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back:
“Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
A man dreams that he is a chicken
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
11.
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”
“My mother died in August,” his friend replied, “and left me $25,000. Then in September my father died, leaving me $90,000.”
“Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”
“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.” His friend continued.
“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”
“Then this month,” concluded, the friend, “absolutely nothing!”
A man goes to a bar with his dog
The groom approaches the pastor
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”
“My mother died in August,” his friend replied, “and left me $25,000. Then in September my father died, leaving me $90,000.”
“Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”
“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.” His friend continued.
“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”
“Then this month,” concluded, the friend, “absolutely nothing!”
A man goes to a bar with his dog
The groom approaches the pastor
12.
A man walks into a bar, already drunk, and asks for a drink.
“Sorry,” the bartender says, “but you obviously already had a little too much to drink.”
Fuming mad the man staggers out the front door and walks back in through the side door.
“Can I have a drink please?”
“Sorry,” the bartender says, “but you can’t have a drink here.”
The man staggers out again and then stumbles his way back in through the back door. “Can I please have a drink?”
“Enough!” the bartender screamed. “I told you, no drinks!”
The man looks at the bartender closely and exclaims “Geez! How many bars do you work at?!”
Two teenagers Fred and Joe
A man goes into a coffee shop
A man walks into a bar, already drunk, and asks for a drink.
“Sorry,” the bartender says, “but you obviously already had a little too much to drink.”
Fuming mad the man staggers out the front door and walks back in through the side door.
“Can I have a drink please?”
“Sorry,” the bartender says, “but you can’t have a drink here.”
The man staggers out again and then stumbles his way back in through the back door. “Can I please have a drink?”
“Enough!” the bartender screamed. “I told you, no drinks!”
The man looks at the bartender closely and exclaims “Geez! How many bars do you work at?!”
Two teenagers Fred and Joe
A man goes into a coffee shop
13.
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?”
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?”
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
“Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
“No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded.
“That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!”
“Don’t worry about it.” the man answered.
“The frog was really nothing special you see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”
The cop says woman
Fox & Grapes
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?”
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?”
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
“Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
“No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded.
“That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!”
“Don’t worry about it.” the man answered.
“The frog was really nothing special you see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”
The cop says woman
Fox & Grapes
14.
A guy is walking down the street with his friend.
He says to his friend, “I’m just a walking economy.”
His friend replies, “What do you mean?”
“It’s like this: My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.
Two kids are arguing
A woman meets a man in a bar
A guy is walking down the street with his friend.
He says to his friend, “I’m just a walking economy.”
His friend replies, “What do you mean?”
“It’s like this: My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.
Two kids are arguing
A woman meets a man in a bar
15.
Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies’ group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.
She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.
She said, “Oh dear, there’s no time to bake another cake.”
So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom a roll of toilet paper.
She plunked it in and covered it with icing.
The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church.
Before she left the house,
Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.
Alice was beside herself.
The next day, Alice was invited to a friend’s home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.
After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, “What a beautiful cake!”
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess who was a prominent church member say,
“Thank you, I baked it myself.”
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie
A blonde was driving down
Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies’ group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.
She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.
She said, “Oh dear, there’s no time to bake another cake.”
So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom a roll of toilet paper.
She plunked it in and covered it with icing.
The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church.
Before she left the house,
Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.
Alice was beside herself.
The next day, Alice was invited to a friend’s home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.
After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, “What a beautiful cake!”
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess who was a prominent church member say,
“Thank you, I baked it myself.”
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie
A blonde was driving down
16.
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God.
Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her.
Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That’s wonderful Lord, and I don’t want to seem ungrateful,
but why did you make her so stupid?
A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway
A man had the worst day of his life
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God.
Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her.
Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That’s wonderful Lord, and I don’t want to seem ungrateful,
but why did you make her so stupid?
A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway
A man had the worst day of his life
17.
Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball.
One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.
The doorman at the club spots them and says, “Hey Roger! How are you tonight?”
His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before.
“No, no. He’s just one of the guys I bowl with.”
They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says, “Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?”
His wife’s eyes widen.
“You must come here a lot!”
“No, no” says Roger “I just know her from volleyball.”
Then a stripper walks up to the table.
She throws her arms around Roger and says “Roger!
A table dance as usual?” His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.
Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat.
His wife looks at him, seething with fury and flips out on Roger.
Just then, the cabby leans over and says, “Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!”
A old man goes into Victoria’s Secret
A woman awakes during the night
Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball.
One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.
The doorman at the club spots them and says, “Hey Roger! How are you tonight?”
His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before.
“No, no. He’s just one of the guys I bowl with.”
They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says, “Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?”
His wife’s eyes widen.
“You must come here a lot!”
“No, no” says Roger “I just know her from volleyball.”
Then a stripper walks up to the table.
She throws her arms around Roger and says “Roger!
A table dance as usual?” His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.
Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat.
His wife looks at him, seething with fury and flips out on Roger.
Just then, the cabby leans over and says, “Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!”
A old man goes into Victoria’s Secret
A woman awakes during the night
18.
A man is in court for murder and the judge says, “You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
A voice at the back of the court says, “You bastard.”
The judge continues, “You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer.”
Again the voice at the back of the court says, “You bastard.”
The judge says, “We cannot have any more of these outbursts from you, what is the problem?”
The man at the back of the court says, “Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one!”
A secretary goes to the company stockroom
A man was working on a preacher’s car
A man is in court for murder and the judge says, “You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
A voice at the back of the court says, “You bastard.”
The judge continues, “You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer.”
Again the voice at the back of the court says, “You bastard.”
The judge says, “We cannot have any more of these outbursts from you, what is the problem?”
The man at the back of the court says, “Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one!”
A secretary goes to the company stockroom
A man was working on a preacher’s car
19.
John walks into his 5th floor apartment after a long day of work, he exhaustively sinks into his favorite arm chair, puts up his footrest, turns on the TV, and turns to his wife Hannah,
“Honey, please get me a hard drink, I think it’s about to start.”
Hannah rolls her eyes, heads to the kitchen, takes out a beer from the fridge, and brings it to John.
“Honey”, said John, two minutes later, “please get me another one quickly before it starts.”
“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING!”
Hannah exclaimed, “DO YOU THINK I’M YOUR PERSONAL WAITER!? YOU PLOP YOURSELF DOWN ON YOUR EASY CHAIR AND EXPECT ME TO BE ON YOUR BECK AND CALL!? IS THAT ALL I’M GOOD FOR!?
John sighs, and mutters under his breath, “it started….”
A wife was sitting peacefully
A man wasn’t feeling well
John walks into his 5th floor apartment after a long day of work, he exhaustively sinks into his favorite arm chair, puts up his footrest, turns on the TV, and turns to his wife Hannah,
“Honey, please get me a hard drink, I think it’s about to start.”
Hannah rolls her eyes, heads to the kitchen, takes out a beer from the fridge, and brings it to John.
“Honey”, said John, two minutes later, “please get me another one quickly before it starts.”
“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING!”
Hannah exclaimed, “DO YOU THINK I’M YOUR PERSONAL WAITER!? YOU PLOP YOURSELF DOWN ON YOUR EASY CHAIR AND EXPECT ME TO BE ON YOUR BECK AND CALL!? IS THAT ALL I’M GOOD FOR!?
John sighs, and mutters under his breath, “it started….”
A wife was sitting peacefully
A man wasn’t feeling well
20.
A deaf man enters a pharmacy to buy rubber pack and tries to explain what he wants with sign language.
The pharmacist doesn’t understand anything so the deaf man puts forth his weapon and 50 dollars.
The pharmacist then also pulls out his weapon, takes the 50 dollars and puts them in his pocket.
The deaf man gets all read in his face and starts to waive violently.
At the pharmacist who says: “If you cannot stand loosing, you should not make a bet!”
A man strolls into a pharmacy
The alcoholic came to the yoga school
A deaf man enters a pharmacy to buy rubber pack and tries to explain what he wants with sign language.
The pharmacist doesn’t understand anything so the deaf man puts forth his weapon and 50 dollars.
The pharmacist then also pulls out his weapon, takes the 50 dollars and puts them in his pocket.
The deaf man gets all read in his face and starts to waive violently.
At the pharmacist who says: “If you cannot stand loosing, you should not make a bet!”
A man strolls into a pharmacy
The alcoholic came to the yoga school
21.
A newly married couple moved into their new home.
The next day, the woman asked her husband: “Darling, one of the pipes in the bathroom is leaking, could you please fix it?”
The husband looked at his wife and said, “What do I look like to you, Bob the Builder?”
A few days later, the woman asked another favor from her husband: “Honey, my car isn’t starting, can you drive me to the grocery store?”
The husband looked at his wife and said, “What do I look like to you, a taxi driver?”
A week later, the woman discovers a leak on the roof.
“Darling, the roof is leaking, can you please find a reliable handyman to fix it for us?”
The husband looked at his wife and said, “What do I look like to you, the yellow pages?”
One rainy day, the husband suddenly noticed that the leak had disappeared.
He went to the bathroom and found that the pipe behind the sink wasn’t leaking either.
When the woman returned home in her car, the husband asked her, “My dear, how it is that there are no more leaks and the car is working?”
She replied, “Oh, I ran into one of our neighbors, Daniel. He’s such a nice guy, he came and fixed everything.”
“Wow,” marveled the husband, “did he charge us for all of it?”
“No,” said the woman.
“He said he would do it for free if I baked him a cake or slept with him.”
“Oh good,” the husband rejoiced. “What kind of cake did you bake him?”
The woman looked at the husband and said, “What do I look like to you, Betty Crocker?”
A couple is walking in East Berlin
A old billionaire marries a young girl
A newly married couple moved into their new home.
The next day, the woman asked her husband: “Darling, one of the pipes in the bathroom is leaking, could you please fix it?”
The husband looked at his wife and said, “What do I look like to you, Bob the Builder?”
A few days later, the woman asked another favor from her husband: “Honey, my car isn’t starting, can you drive me to the grocery store?”
The husband looked at his wife and said, “What do I look like to you, a taxi driver?”
A week later, the woman discovers a leak on the roof.
“Darling, the roof is leaking, can you please find a reliable handyman to fix it for us?”
The husband looked at his wife and said, “What do I look like to you, the yellow pages?”
One rainy day, the husband suddenly noticed that the leak had disappeared.
He went to the bathroom and found that the pipe behind the sink wasn’t leaking either.
When the woman returned home in her car, the husband asked her, “My dear, how it is that there are no more leaks and the car is working?”
She replied, “Oh, I ran into one of our neighbors, Daniel. He’s such a nice guy, he came and fixed everything.”
“Wow,” marveled the husband, “did he charge us for all of it?”
“No,” said the woman.
“He said he would do it for free if I baked him a cake or slept with him.”
“Oh good,” the husband rejoiced. “What kind of cake did you bake him?”
The woman looked at the husband and said, “What do I look like to you, Betty Crocker?”
A couple is walking in East Berlin
A old billionaire marries a young girl
22.
A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it.
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help.
The truck driver replied, “If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!”
The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car. Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins.
He showed up at the zoo and they weren’t there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car.
While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins.
The truck driver yelled, “What are you doing? You were supposed to take them to the zoo!”
The man replied, “I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie.”
He breaks into a house to look for money
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag
A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it.
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help.
The truck driver replied, “If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!”
The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car. Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins.
He showed up at the zoo and they weren’t there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car.
While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins.
The truck driver yelled, “What are you doing? You were supposed to take them to the zoo!”
The man replied, “I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie.”
He breaks into a house to look for money
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag
23.
There was once a small town called Redditville.
In this town lived a homeless man named ThunderingSacks.
Our homeless hero was well known for taking a dump in public at the same spot every day.
In this spot was a 2×4 piece of wood. It pointed straight up out the ground.
One day while doing his business, ThunderingSacks heard a scream. A young woman was being chased by a man with a knife.
ThunderingSacks pulled up his trousers and ran to her rescue. He was able to scare the attacker off but only after being stabbed.
Dying, ThunderingSacks beckoned the girl over.
He whispered in her ear, “Take care of my poop station.” ThunderingSacks was no more.
After his passing, word got out about his heroic deed.
People from all over town went to the 2×4 that was his restroom and threw money and jewelry at it to pay respect.
Two men stood watching. The first man said, “If only we appreciate him more when he was alive.”
The second man replies,
“Yes, he was a good man.
Nobody would have expected that his shitpost would be riddled with platinum, gold, and silver
A hunter had been out hunting bear
An elderly man and his wife
There was once a small town called Redditville.
In this town lived a homeless man named ThunderingSacks.
Our homeless hero was well known for taking a dump in public at the same spot every day.
In this spot was a 2×4 piece of wood. It pointed straight up out the ground.
One day while doing his business, ThunderingSacks heard a scream. A young woman was being chased by a man with a knife.
ThunderingSacks pulled up his trousers and ran to her rescue. He was able to scare the attacker off but only after being stabbed.
Dying, ThunderingSacks beckoned the girl over.
He whispered in her ear, “Take care of my poop station.” ThunderingSacks was no more.
After his passing, word got out about his heroic deed.
People from all over town went to the 2×4 that was his restroom and threw money and jewelry at it to pay respect.
Two men stood watching. The first man said, “If only we appreciate him more when he was alive.”
The second man replies,
“Yes, he was a good man.
Nobody would have expected that his shitpost would be riddled with platinum, gold, and silver
A hunter had been out hunting bear
An elderly man and his wife
24.
A man visited the doctor.
“Doctor, I have terrible flatulence, I have it all the time.”
“Please undress so I can examine you,” said the doctor picking up a long pole with a brass hook on the end.
“My goodness doctor what are you going to do with that!” yelled the man.
The doctor smiled and said: I’m just going to open the window up there.
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar
A man went to his doctor and told
A man visited the doctor.
“Doctor, I have terrible flatulence, I have it all the time.”
“Please undress so I can examine you,” said the doctor picking up a long pole with a brass hook on the end.
“My goodness doctor what are you going to do with that!” yelled the man.
The doctor smiled and said: I’m just going to open the window up there.
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar
A man went to his doctor and told
25.
The prosecutor called his first witness, an elderly grandma, to the stand.
He walked up to her and asked, “Mrs Williams, do you know who I am?”
She answered, Of course I know who you are, Mr Rawley.
I’ve known you since you were a little boy, and honestly, you’re a disappointment.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk behind their backs.
You think you’re some kind of big shot, but if you had half a brain you’d realize that you’ll never amount to anything but a mediocre pencil-pusher.
Oh, I know who you are all right.
The prosecutor had his jaw on the floor.
Shocked and looking to deflect the attention, he pointed across the room and asked: “Mrs Williams… do you know who the defense attorney is?”
She replied, Of course I do. I’ve known Mr Carbuncle ever since he was a child.
He’s a lazy bigot who has a problem with alcohol abuse.
He is unable to maintain a normal relationship with anyone, and is one of the worst lawyers in the county.
On top of that, he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of which was your wife.
Yes, I know exactly who he is.
The defense attorney looked like he was about to have a stroke.
The judge ordered the prosecutor and the defense attorney to approach, and whispered to them in a low but frantic voice,
“If any of you melons ask her if she knows who I am, then I’ll put both of you behind corset for life!”
A very shy guy goes into a bar
A cop notices how fast he is going
The prosecutor called his first witness, an elderly grandma, to the stand.
He walked up to her and asked, “Mrs Williams, do you know who I am?”
She answered, Of course I know who you are, Mr Rawley.
I’ve known you since you were a little boy, and honestly, you’re a disappointment.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk behind their backs.
You think you’re some kind of big shot, but if you had half a brain you’d realize that you’ll never amount to anything but a mediocre pencil-pusher.
Oh, I know who you are all right.
The prosecutor had his jaw on the floor.
Shocked and looking to deflect the attention, he pointed across the room and asked: “Mrs Williams… do you know who the defense attorney is?”
She replied, Of course I do. I’ve known Mr Carbuncle ever since he was a child.
He’s a lazy bigot who has a problem with alcohol abuse.
He is unable to maintain a normal relationship with anyone, and is one of the worst lawyers in the county.
On top of that, he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of which was your wife.
Yes, I know exactly who he is.
The defense attorney looked like he was about to have a stroke.
The judge ordered the prosecutor and the defense attorney to approach, and whispered to them in a low but frantic voice,
“If any of you melons ask her if she knows who I am, then I’ll put both of you behind corset for life!”
A very shy guy goes into a bar
A cop notices how fast he is going
26.
On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs.
John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”
His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them just go ahead and finish your meal.”
For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it.
“Are you sure these plates are clean?” he asked.
Without looking up, Grandpa said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!”
Later, as John was leaving, his grandpa’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass.
John said, “Grandpa, your dog won’t let me get by!”
Grandpa yelled to the dog, “Cold Water, go lie down!”
A son took his old father to a restaurant
A father watched his young daughter
On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs.
John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”
His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them just go ahead and finish your meal.”
For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it.
“Are you sure these plates are clean?” he asked.
Without looking up, Grandpa said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!”
Later, as John was leaving, his grandpa’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass.
John said, “Grandpa, your dog won’t let me get by!”
Grandpa yelled to the dog, “Cold Water, go lie down!”
A son took his old father to a restaurant
A father watched his young daughter
27.
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb over the meat.
“Are you crazy?” yells the customer.
“What’s with your hand on my steak?”
“Sorry,” answers the waiter, “I don’t want it to fall on the floor again.”
A woman was getting calls from strangers
He rubs it and a Genie emerges
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb over the meat.
“Are you crazy?” yells the customer.
“What’s with your hand on my steak?”
“Sorry,” answers the waiter, “I don’t want it to fall on the floor again.”
A woman was getting calls from strangers
He rubs it and a Genie emerges
28.
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.
Abe turns to Sol and asks, “Do you think there’s baseball in Heaven?”
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno but let’s make a deal — if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.”
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol… .”
Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”
“Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in Heaven?”
“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”
“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol
Abe says, “Well, there is baseball in Heaven.”
Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?”
Abe sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”
A hot air balloon
A good cat
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.
Abe turns to Sol and asks, “Do you think there’s baseball in Heaven?”
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno but let’s make a deal — if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.”
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol… .”
Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”
“Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in Heaven?”
“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”
“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol
Abe says, “Well, there is baseball in Heaven.”
Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?”
Abe sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”
A hot air balloon
A good cat
29.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
“Good morning Ma’am. What are you doing?”
“Reading a book,” she replies, thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“I’m sorry officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with make love,” says the woman.
“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.
“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”
“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.
A woman goes to the supermarket
A 75 year old man was walking
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
“Good morning Ma’am. What are you doing?”
“Reading a book,” she replies, thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“I’m sorry officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with make love,” says the woman.
“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.
“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”
“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.
A woman goes to the supermarket
A 75 year old man was walking
30.
An elderly priest dies and goes to heaven.
He soon finds himself in a line of souls going to St. Peter to enter heaven.
In no time at all, there’s only one person in front of him.
St Peter tells the man “ah yes, state your name and occupation.”
The man replies “Will Snicket, a taxi driver in New York City.”
St Peter looks at his list for a moment and says,
“yes, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord.”
The priest is next, St Peter asks him “your name and occupation.”
“Father Samuel, minister of the church of God”, the priest eagerly replies.
After perusing his list for a moment St Peter looks at the priest and says
“very well, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord.”
At hearing this the priest is indignant,
“What, but I’ve been faithfully serving the Lord all my life, why did that taxi driver get such amazing treatment compared to me.”
St Peter stares silently at the priest.
Finally, he replies, “my child, up here we work by results. While you preached people slept, but while he drove, people prayed.”
A young lad was visiting a church
A husband sends a text to his wife
An elderly priest dies and goes to heaven.
He soon finds himself in a line of souls going to St. Peter to enter heaven.
In no time at all, there’s only one person in front of him.
St Peter tells the man “ah yes, state your name and occupation.”
The man replies “Will Snicket, a taxi driver in New York City.”
St Peter looks at his list for a moment and says,
“yes, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord.”
The priest is next, St Peter asks him “your name and occupation.”
“Father Samuel, minister of the church of God”, the priest eagerly replies.
After perusing his list for a moment St Peter looks at the priest and says
“very well, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord.”
At hearing this the priest is indignant,
“What, but I’ve been faithfully serving the Lord all my life, why did that taxi driver get such amazing treatment compared to me.”
St Peter stares silently at the priest.
Finally, he replies, “my child, up here we work by results. While you preached people slept, but while he drove, people prayed.”
A young lad was visiting a church
A husband sends a text to his wife
Tags:
Eng Jokes
