1.
George raises his beer mug in the air and says, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life having lovemaking with my wife!”
The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, “Best Toast of the Month”.
When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. “And what exactly was your award-winning toast?” she asks.
George thinks for a while and says, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife.”
The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down the street when she runs into Ted, one of George’s drinking buddies.
“Your husband sure gave an awesome toast last night!” says Ted.
“I know!” replies Linda, “and he told me about it! It kind of surprised me because almost every time he goes down there, he falls asleep. A few weeks ago I had to pull him by the ear to get him to come.”
Mr. Johnson boarded a plane
A man owns a rabbit farm and is known
George raises his beer mug in the air and says, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life having lovemaking with my wife!”
The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, “Best Toast of the Month”.
When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. “And what exactly was your award-winning toast?” she asks.
George thinks for a while and says, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife.”
The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down the street when she runs into Ted, one of George’s drinking buddies.
“Your husband sure gave an awesome toast last night!” says Ted.
“I know!” replies Linda, “and he told me about it! It kind of surprised me because almost every time he goes down there, he falls asleep. A few weeks ago I had to pull him by the ear to get him to come.”
Mr. Johnson boarded a plane
A man owns a rabbit farm and is known
2.
An old man and an old woman, married for fifty years, go to see a fortune teller.
The old man is hard-of-hearing and the old Woman always tells Him what is said.
They go to found out what his future holds.
The fortune-teller says,
“Next week, you will win the state lottery jackpot.”
The old man says, “What did she say?”
The old woman says, “NEXT WEEK! YOU WIN THE LOTTERY!”
The old man is very excited and tells her to continue.
The fortune-teller says,
“In two weeks, you will double your winnings with a smart investment.”
The old man says, “What did she say?”
The old woman says,
“IN TWO WEEKS! YOU DOUBLE YOUR MONEY IN THE STOCKS!”
The old man is even more excited and tells her to continue.
“By this time next month, your wife will be more content than she has ever been.”
The old man says, “What did she say?”
The old woman says,
“NEXT MONTH! YOU’LL BE DEAD!”
Arriving home from work
The Wife Calls Her Scientist Husband
An old man and an old woman, married for fifty years, go to see a fortune teller.
The old man is hard-of-hearing and the old Woman always tells Him what is said.
They go to found out what his future holds.
The fortune-teller says,
“Next week, you will win the state lottery jackpot.”
The old man says, “What did she say?”
The old woman says, “NEXT WEEK! YOU WIN THE LOTTERY!”
The old man is very excited and tells her to continue.
The fortune-teller says,
“In two weeks, you will double your winnings with a smart investment.”
The old man says, “What did she say?”
The old woman says,
“IN TWO WEEKS! YOU DOUBLE YOUR MONEY IN THE STOCKS!”
The old man is even more excited and tells her to continue.
“By this time next month, your wife will be more content than she has ever been.”
The old man says, “What did she say?”
The old woman says,
“NEXT MONTH! YOU’LL BE DEAD!”
Arriving home from work
The Wife Calls Her Scientist Husband
3.
Two Arkansans meet on a dusty, country road.
One of them is carrying a big bag, labeled chickens.
“Chickens, eh?” says his friend.
“Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?”
“Heck,” says the guy with the bag.
“You guess right, I’ll give you both of ’em.”
“Um…five?”
A priest and a rabbi
A customer in a restaurant
Two Arkansans meet on a dusty, country road.
One of them is carrying a big bag, labeled chickens.
“Chickens, eh?” says his friend.
“Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?”
“Heck,” says the guy with the bag.
“You guess right, I’ll give you both of ’em.”
“Um…five?”
A priest and a rabbi
A customer in a restaurant
4.
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die.
They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail.
Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued.
They prayed a lot of course, and they discussed their predicament in great depth.
Finally the priest said to the nun, “you know sister, I am about to die, and there’s always been one thing I’ve wanted here on earth–to see a woman undressed. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?”
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes.
As she was doing so, she remarked, “well, Father, now that I think about it, I’ve never seen a man undreseed, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?”
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped.
Suddenly the nun exclaimed, “Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?”
The priest patiently answered, “That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life.”
“Well,” responded the nun, “forget about me. Stick it in the camel!”
Joe grew up in a small town
Two buddies Bob and Earl
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die.
They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail.
Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued.
They prayed a lot of course, and they discussed their predicament in great depth.
Finally the priest said to the nun, “you know sister, I am about to die, and there’s always been one thing I’ve wanted here on earth–to see a woman undressed. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?”
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes.
As she was doing so, she remarked, “well, Father, now that I think about it, I’ve never seen a man undreseed, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?”
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped.
Suddenly the nun exclaimed, “Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?”
The priest patiently answered, “That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life.”
“Well,” responded the nun, “forget about me. Stick it in the camel!”
Joe grew up in a small town
Two buddies Bob and Earl
5.
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination but found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him.
“Listen,” the doctor said, “if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”
“I know,” said the man, “but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.”
A golfer was having a tough day
Joe had asked Bob to help
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination but found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him.
“Listen,” the doctor said, “if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”
“I know,” said the man, “but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.”
A golfer was having a tough day
Joe had asked Bob to help
6.
A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East.
An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”
After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”
The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”
The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”
Wife sent a message to her husband
A teacher was helping one of her kids
A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East.
An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”
After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”
The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”
The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”
Wife sent a message to her husband
A teacher was helping one of her kids
7.
A new firefighter was being trained by an old fire chief.
“How would you react if a sudden fire flared up on the front of the building?” asked the fire chief.
“Break out a fire hose and start spraying it, chief.” answered the new firefighter.
“How would you react if another fire flared up in the back of the building?” asked the fire chief.
“Break out another fire hose and start spraying it, chief.” answered the new firefighter.
“And if another huge fire flared up in the basement, how would you react?” asked the fire chief.
“Break out another fire hose.” answered the new firefighter.
“Now wait a minute, son,” said the fire chief.
“Where are all these fire hoses coming from?”
The new firefighter answered, “The same place where all of the fires are coming from, chief.”
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor
Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat
A new firefighter was being trained by an old fire chief.
“How would you react if a sudden fire flared up on the front of the building?” asked the fire chief.
“Break out a fire hose and start spraying it, chief.” answered the new firefighter.
“How would you react if another fire flared up in the back of the building?” asked the fire chief.
“Break out another fire hose and start spraying it, chief.” answered the new firefighter.
“And if another huge fire flared up in the basement, how would you react?” asked the fire chief.
“Break out another fire hose.” answered the new firefighter.
“Now wait a minute, son,” said the fire chief.
“Where are all these fire hoses coming from?”
The new firefighter answered, “The same place where all of the fires are coming from, chief.”
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor
Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat
8.
A Samurai who was known for his nobility and honesty, went to visit a Zen monk to ask him for his advice.
When the monk had finished his prayers, the Samurai asked,
Why do I feel so inferior? I have faced death many times, have defended those who are weak.
“Nevertheless, upon seeing you meditating, I felt that my life had absolutely no importance whatsoever.”
Wait once I have attended to all those who come to see me today, I shall answer you.
The samurai spent the whole day sitting in the temple gardens, watching the people go in and out in search of advice.
He saw how the monk received them all with the same patience and the same illuminated smile on his face.
At nightfall, when everyone had gone, he demanded: Now can you teach me?
The master invited him in and lead him to his room.
The full moon shone in the sky, and the atmosphere was one of profound tranquility.
Do you see the moon, how beautiful it is? It will cross the entire firmament, and tomorrow the sun will shine once again.
“But sunlight is much brighter, and can show the details of the landscape around us: trees, mountains, clouds.”
“I have contemplated the two for years, and have never heard the moon say: why do I not shine like the sun? Is it because I am inferior?”
The monks were allowed to speak
Dove And Ant
A Samurai who was known for his nobility and honesty, went to visit a Zen monk to ask him for his advice.
When the monk had finished his prayers, the Samurai asked,
Why do I feel so inferior? I have faced death many times, have defended those who are weak.
“Nevertheless, upon seeing you meditating, I felt that my life had absolutely no importance whatsoever.”
Wait once I have attended to all those who come to see me today, I shall answer you.
The samurai spent the whole day sitting in the temple gardens, watching the people go in and out in search of advice.
He saw how the monk received them all with the same patience and the same illuminated smile on his face.
At nightfall, when everyone had gone, he demanded: Now can you teach me?
The master invited him in and lead him to his room.
The full moon shone in the sky, and the atmosphere was one of profound tranquility.
Do you see the moon, how beautiful it is? It will cross the entire firmament, and tomorrow the sun will shine once again.
“But sunlight is much brighter, and can show the details of the landscape around us: trees, mountains, clouds.”
“I have contemplated the two for years, and have never heard the moon say: why do I not shine like the sun? Is it because I am inferior?”
The monks were allowed to speak
Dove And Ant
9.
There was once a mysterious man, six feet and seven inches tall who had ventured his way to the freezing north.
Desperate for money in an unfamiliar land, he thought of an idea.
He sat down in the middle of the street, and put up a sign.
It said: ‘Bring excitement to my face, and I’ll give you $1,000,000.
But if you fail, you give me $1.’
Soon, pedestrians started taking a chance on this strong, young man’s bet.
They stood on their hands and did backflips, but to no avail.
Dollar by dollar, the man started accumulating his wealth.
The legend of the unexcitable man soon spread all across the lakeshore.
A solider fired his machine gun in front of our mystery man, but got no reaction.
An ant deadlifted an elephant, but got no reaction.
A woman brought a talking dog to him, but he still showed no emotion.
Years later, after becoming a multimillionaire, the tall man finally took the sign down with his freakishly large hands. It was over.
No one had ever won the bet.
A young girl walked up to him and asked, ‘How were you able to maintain your focus for so long?
What did you think to yourself in your many years of silence?’
The man finally cracked a smile and said, ‘bored man gets paid.’
One smart father goes to his son
3 guys crash land on an island
There was once a mysterious man, six feet and seven inches tall who had ventured his way to the freezing north.
Desperate for money in an unfamiliar land, he thought of an idea.
He sat down in the middle of the street, and put up a sign.
It said: ‘Bring excitement to my face, and I’ll give you $1,000,000.
But if you fail, you give me $1.’
Soon, pedestrians started taking a chance on this strong, young man’s bet.
They stood on their hands and did backflips, but to no avail.
Dollar by dollar, the man started accumulating his wealth.
The legend of the unexcitable man soon spread all across the lakeshore.
A solider fired his machine gun in front of our mystery man, but got no reaction.
An ant deadlifted an elephant, but got no reaction.
A woman brought a talking dog to him, but he still showed no emotion.
Years later, after becoming a multimillionaire, the tall man finally took the sign down with his freakishly large hands. It was over.
No one had ever won the bet.
A young girl walked up to him and asked, ‘How were you able to maintain your focus for so long?
What did you think to yourself in your many years of silence?’
The man finally cracked a smile and said, ‘bored man gets paid.’
One smart father goes to his son
3 guys crash land on an island
10.
A farmer got in his truck and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.
A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
“Is your Dad home”? the farmer asked.
“Sorry mate, he isn’t” the boy replied. “He went into town.”
“Well,” said the farmer, “Is your mum here”?
“No, sir, she’s not here either. She went into town with Dad.”
“How about your brother, Greg? Is he here”?
“He went with Mum and Dad.”
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I can do for ya”?
the boy asked politely.
“I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one.
Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad.”
“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably,
“I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant.”
The boy considered for a moment.
“You’d have to talk to Dad about that,” he finally conceded.
“If it helps you any,… I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don’t know how much he gets for Greg.”
One common question was asked to all
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital
A farmer got in his truck and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.
A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
“Is your Dad home”? the farmer asked.
“Sorry mate, he isn’t” the boy replied. “He went into town.”
“Well,” said the farmer, “Is your mum here”?
“No, sir, she’s not here either. She went into town with Dad.”
“How about your brother, Greg? Is he here”?
“He went with Mum and Dad.”
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I can do for ya”?
the boy asked politely.
“I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one.
Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad.”
“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably,
“I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant.”
The boy considered for a moment.
“You’d have to talk to Dad about that,” he finally conceded.
“If it helps you any,… I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don’t know how much he gets for Greg.”
One common question was asked to all
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital
11.
The hospital staff kept telling Jim, but it was to no avail.
Jim’s wife was in labor and Jim was a nervous wreck.
After what seemed like a week, to both Jim and the hospital staff, a nurse came out with the happy news, “it’s a girl”, she cried.
“Thank God, a girl”, said Jim, “at least she won’t have to go through what I just went through!”
Harry was sick and tired
Sally walked in to the Dentist office
The hospital staff kept telling Jim, but it was to no avail.
Jim’s wife was in labor and Jim was a nervous wreck.
After what seemed like a week, to both Jim and the hospital staff, a nurse came out with the happy news, “it’s a girl”, she cried.
“Thank God, a girl”, said Jim, “at least she won’t have to go through what I just went through!”
Harry was sick and tired
Sally walked in to the Dentist office
12.
An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.
“Well, my wife ain’t home, she’s gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got,” said the man.
The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn’t interested.
Then the man spotted a mirror and said, “What’s that?”
Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, “My God how’d you get a picture of my Pappy?”
The old man was so happy, he traded his wife’s best pitcher for it.
The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.
He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the “picture” and eventually the wife got suspicious.
One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn.
She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, “so this is the hussy he’s been fooling around with!”
He picked up the phone
A little boy comes down for breakfast
An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.
“Well, my wife ain’t home, she’s gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got,” said the man.
The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn’t interested.
Then the man spotted a mirror and said, “What’s that?”
Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, “My God how’d you get a picture of my Pappy?”
The old man was so happy, he traded his wife’s best pitcher for it.
The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.
He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the “picture” and eventually the wife got suspicious.
One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn.
She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, “so this is the hussy he’s been fooling around with!”
He picked up the phone
A little boy comes down for breakfast
13.
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for a half hour.
Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking.
Here, I’ll buy you another drink I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that,” the man replies, wiping his tears,
“This day is the worst of my life first, I oversleep and I go in late to my office.
My outraged boss fires me
When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen.
The police say they can do nothing
I get a cab to go home, and when I get out, I remember I left my wallet.
The cab driver just drives away.
I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener.
I leave my home, come to this bar, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
Every day Nasreddin went to beg
Two men were sitting in a pub drinking
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for a half hour.
Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking.
Here, I’ll buy you another drink I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that,” the man replies, wiping his tears,
“This day is the worst of my life first, I oversleep and I go in late to my office.
My outraged boss fires me
When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen.
The police say they can do nothing
I get a cab to go home, and when I get out, I remember I left my wallet.
The cab driver just drives away.
I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener.
I leave my home, come to this bar, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
Every day Nasreddin went to beg
Two men were sitting in a pub drinking
14.
Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing their problems with getting old.
The first one said,
“Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich”.
The second lady says,
“Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down”.
The third one says,
“Well, ladies, I’m glad I don’t have any of those problems, knock on wood”.
As she hit her knuckles on the table she looked up and said,
“That must be the door… I’ll get it!”
A little girl was talking to teacher
He was sitting in his boat and fishing
Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing their problems with getting old.
The first one said,
“Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich”.
The second lady says,
“Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down”.
The third one says,
“Well, ladies, I’m glad I don’t have any of those problems, knock on wood”.
As she hit her knuckles on the table she looked up and said,
“That must be the door… I’ll get it!”
A little girl was talking to teacher
He was sitting in his boat and fishing
15.
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could Barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and The light was red again.
Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”
Three mischievous old grannies sitting on bench
A little old lady was walking her dog
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could Barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and The light was red again.
Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”
Three mischievous old grannies sitting on bench
A little old lady was walking her dog
16.
Ray and Bob, two Government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole”, said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.”
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches” and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed.
“Well, ain’t that just like a ‘Miss-know-it-all’ woman?” he said.
“We need the height and she gives us the length!” Ray and Bob are still working for the Government.
The cop walks up to the truck and asks
One nun was called Sister Mathematical
Ray and Bob, two Government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole”, said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.”
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches” and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed.
“Well, ain’t that just like a ‘Miss-know-it-all’ woman?” he said.
“We need the height and she gives us the length!” Ray and Bob are still working for the Government.
The cop walks up to the truck and asks
One nun was called Sister Mathematical
17.
He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered “Hello?”
“Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him? ” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
“Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
“Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
“Is there anyone there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there? ” asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle.
A poor boy who was selling goods
He shot and dropped a bird
He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered “Hello?”
“Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him? ” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
“Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
“Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
“Is there anyone there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there? ” asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle.
A poor boy who was selling goods
He shot and dropped a bird
18.
A man walks into the barber shop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, “How do you want your haircut?”
The man says, ” I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top.”
The barber looks puzzled and says, “I’m not sure I can do that.”
The customer says, “Why not, you did it that way last time.”
A blonde goes to the doctor
A couple lays down for bed
A man walks into the barber shop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, “How do you want your haircut?”
The man says, ” I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top.”
The barber looks puzzled and says, “I’m not sure I can do that.”
The customer says, “Why not, you did it that way last time.”
A blonde goes to the doctor
A couple lays down for bed
19.
A man is talking to the family doctor.
“Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf.”
The doctor answers, “Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers.
Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is.”
The man goes home and tries it out.
He walks in the door and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
“Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no answer.
He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, “For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!”
A man walks into the front door
A New York Divorce Lawyer died
A man is talking to the family doctor.
“Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf.”
The doctor answers, “Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers.
Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is.”
The man goes home and tries it out.
He walks in the door and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
“Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no answer.
He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, “For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!”
A man walks into the front door
A New York Divorce Lawyer died
20.
A few women were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands.
One lady said, “My husband just won’t go to church with me, I think he’s going to go to Hell.”
This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in Hell.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves.
One woman said, “I try to be good – I’m sure I’ll make it to Heaven.”
Another one said, “No, I did this bad thing. I won’t make it unless I mend my ways and I better start soon.”
At this point, they noticed that one of the ladies the only single blonde women in the group wasn’t saying anything.
They turned to her and said, “You’re such a nice lady, surely you’ll be going to Heaven?”
She says “No way! In fact, first thing in the morning, I’m going to buy me a ticket straight to Hell!”
They were shocked and asked, “Why??”
“Well, you don’t expect me to live in a world without men, do you?”
A elderly married couple is having problems
The elderly lady is in the Supermarket
A few women were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands.
One lady said, “My husband just won’t go to church with me, I think he’s going to go to Hell.”
This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in Hell.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves.
One woman said, “I try to be good – I’m sure I’ll make it to Heaven.”
Another one said, “No, I did this bad thing. I won’t make it unless I mend my ways and I better start soon.”
At this point, they noticed that one of the ladies the only single blonde women in the group wasn’t saying anything.
They turned to her and said, “You’re such a nice lady, surely you’ll be going to Heaven?”
She says “No way! In fact, first thing in the morning, I’m going to buy me a ticket straight to Hell!”
They were shocked and asked, “Why??”
“Well, you don’t expect me to live in a world without men, do you?”
A elderly married couple is having problems
The elderly lady is in the Supermarket
21.
A family is sitting around the supper table discussing anatomy.
Suddenly the son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of melons are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of melons. In her twenties, a woman’s melons are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kind of privet part are there?”
The mother, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, his weapon is like an oak, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only!”
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle
Three nuns passed every day through a street
A family is sitting around the supper table discussing anatomy.
Suddenly the son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of melons are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of melons. In her twenties, a woman’s melons are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kind of privet part are there?”
The mother, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, his weapon is like an oak, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only!”
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle
Three nuns passed every day through a street
22.
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.
After the man received the full treatment shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. he placed the boy in the chair.
“I’m going’ to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,” he said.
“I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
When the boy’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said,
“Looks like your daddy’s forgotten all about you.”
“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy.
“He just walked up, took me by the hand and said,
‘Come on, son, we’re gonna get a free haircut!’”
A older man with several complaints saw a physician
A woman wearing a real tight dress
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.
After the man received the full treatment shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. he placed the boy in the chair.
“I’m going’ to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,” he said.
“I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
When the boy’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said,
“Looks like your daddy’s forgotten all about you.”
“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy.
“He just walked up, took me by the hand and said,
‘Come on, son, we’re gonna get a free haircut!’”
A older man with several complaints saw a physician
A woman wearing a real tight dress
23.
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife,
“Dear, there is something that I must ask you It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.”
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away.
But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed.
“Yes, Yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks,
“Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, “You.”
A elderly couple sitting down to lunch
A elderly couple was just settled down for bed
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife,
“Dear, there is something that I must ask you It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.”
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away.
But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed.
“Yes, Yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks,
“Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, “You.”
A elderly couple sitting down to lunch
A elderly couple was just settled down for bed
24.
A family enters a large store.
After browsing for several moments they purchase some goods and head for the large counter at the front of the store.
They notice a robotic seal standing in a corner situated near the counter.
It is dressed in a tuxedo and each time goods are packaged the seal nods as if in agreement.
After the third purchase is made the father asks the counter assistant why the robot nods each time.
The assistant replies, “Isn’t it obvious? It’s our seal of approval.”
The husband was falling asleep
Two kids are talking to each other
A family enters a large store.
After browsing for several moments they purchase some goods and head for the large counter at the front of the store.
They notice a robotic seal standing in a corner situated near the counter.
It is dressed in a tuxedo and each time goods are packaged the seal nods as if in agreement.
After the third purchase is made the father asks the counter assistant why the robot nods each time.
The assistant replies, “Isn’t it obvious? It’s our seal of approval.”
The husband was falling asleep
Two kids are talking to each other
25.
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said “You know it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!”
To this, the other blonde replies “I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and drown her.”
A woman went to doctor office
A man came home from work one day
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said “You know it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!”
To this, the other blonde replies “I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and drown her.”
A woman went to doctor office
A man came home from work one day
26.
An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon.
They were in bed getting ready to lovemaking for the first time and the old woman said,
“I should tell you I have acute angina.”
The old man says, “I hope so.
You sure don’t have cute melons.”
Husband in bed with another woman
A old lady comes into the kitchen
An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon.
They were in bed getting ready to lovemaking for the first time and the old woman said,
“I should tell you I have acute angina.”
The old man says, “I hope so.
You sure don’t have cute melons.”
Husband in bed with another woman
A old lady comes into the kitchen
27.
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?”
The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”
The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”
The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!”
The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”
To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”
A lady goes to the doctor and complains
A guy walked into a bar and asked
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?”
The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”
The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”
The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!”
The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”
To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”
A lady goes to the doctor and complains
A guy walked into a bar and asked
28.
Every day Nasreddin went to beg for alms in the market, and people used to make fun of him by playing the following trick:
They would show him two coins, one worth ten times more than the other, and Nasrudin would always choose the smaller coin.
The story went round the whole province.
Day after day, groups of men and women would show him the two coins, and Nasreddin would always choose the smaller one.
Then one day, a generous man, tired of seeing Nasreddin ridiculed in this fashion, beckoned him over to a corner of the square and said:
‘When they offer you two coins, you should choose the larger one.
That way you would earn more money and people wouldn’t consider you an idiot.’
‘That sounds like good advice,’ replied Nasreddin, ‘but if I chose the larger coin, people would stop offering me money, because they like to believe that I am even more stupid than they are.
You’ve no idea how much money I’ve earned using this trick.
“There’s nothing wrong with looking like a fool if, in fact, you’re being really clever.’
The Sufi master Shams Tabrizi’s disciples
The Unfortunate Man At The Bar
Every day Nasreddin went to beg for alms in the market, and people used to make fun of him by playing the following trick:
They would show him two coins, one worth ten times more than the other, and Nasrudin would always choose the smaller coin.
The story went round the whole province.
Day after day, groups of men and women would show him the two coins, and Nasreddin would always choose the smaller one.
Then one day, a generous man, tired of seeing Nasreddin ridiculed in this fashion, beckoned him over to a corner of the square and said:
‘When they offer you two coins, you should choose the larger one.
That way you would earn more money and people wouldn’t consider you an idiot.’
‘That sounds like good advice,’ replied Nasreddin, ‘but if I chose the larger coin, people would stop offering me money, because they like to believe that I am even more stupid than they are.
You’ve no idea how much money I’ve earned using this trick.
“There’s nothing wrong with looking like a fool if, in fact, you’re being really clever.’
The Sufi master Shams Tabrizi’s disciples
The Unfortunate Man At The Bar
29.
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told,
“You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog said, “That’s great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?”
“No,” said the psychic, “Next term — in her biology class.”
Mark showed up for work with two very red and sore ears.
“Gees, what happened to you??” asked Frank, a co-worker.
“I was watching TV by the tool board,” Mark replied
“The phone rang I picked up the tool instead, thinking it was the phone.”
“So, what happened to your other ear?” asked Frank.
“The guy called back.”
A police officer asks a thief
A artist asked the gallery owner
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told,
“You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog said, “That’s great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?”
“No,” said the psychic, “Next term — in her biology class.”
Mark showed up for work with two very red and sore ears.
“Gees, what happened to you??” asked Frank, a co-worker.
“I was watching TV by the tool board,” Mark replied
“The phone rang I picked up the tool instead, thinking it was the phone.”
“So, what happened to your other ear?” asked Frank.
“The guy called back.”
A police officer asks a thief
A artist asked the gallery owner
30.
A lady approaches a priest and tells him,
“Father, I have a problem.
I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.
They keep saying “Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed.
“But I do have a solution to your problem.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots,…
to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase,
and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.”
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house.
The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots,
and the female parrots say,
“Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams,
“Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered !!!
In a school science class four worms
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
A lady approaches a priest and tells him,
“Father, I have a problem.
I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.
They keep saying “Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed.
“But I do have a solution to your problem.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots,…
to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase,
and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.”
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house.
The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots,
and the female parrots say,
“Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams,
“Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered !!!
In a school science class four worms
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
Tags:
Eng Jokes
