1.
On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When he’d finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit repairmen refused to work in the house the maid quit.
Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later – even though they’d cut their price in half – they couldn’t find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going.
She told him the saga of the rotting house.
He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth … but only if he would sign the papers that very day.
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ……and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!
The big game hunter
The boy working in that department
On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When he’d finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit repairmen refused to work in the house the maid quit.
Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later – even though they’d cut their price in half – they couldn’t find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going.
She told him the saga of the rotting house.
He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth … but only if he would sign the papers that very day.
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ……and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!
The big game hunter
The boy working in that department
2.
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.
Enamored with her, he asks if he can have make love with her.
Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus.
The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have make love with the nun.
“Well,” says the bus driver, “every night at 8 o’clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray.
If you dress up as God, I’m sure you could convince her to have make love with you.”
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume.
At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
“Oh, God!” she exclaims.
“Take me with you!”
The man tells the nun that she must first have make love with him to prove her loyalty.
The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal lovemaking.
Before you know it, they’re getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud make love.
After it’s over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
“Ha, ha!” he says, “I’m the man from the bus!”
“Ha, ha!” says the nun, removing her costume, “I’m the bus driver!”
A old man goes to a church
The teacher asked her a question
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.
Enamored with her, he asks if he can have make love with her.
Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus.
The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have make love with the nun.
“Well,” says the bus driver, “every night at 8 o’clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray.
If you dress up as God, I’m sure you could convince her to have make love with you.”
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume.
At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
“Oh, God!” she exclaims.
“Take me with you!”
The man tells the nun that she must first have make love with him to prove her loyalty.
The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal lovemaking.
Before you know it, they’re getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud make love.
After it’s over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
“Ha, ha!” he says, “I’m the man from the bus!”
“Ha, ha!” says the nun, removing her costume, “I’m the bus driver!”
A old man goes to a church
The teacher asked her a question
3.
A young Mouse in search of adventure was running along the bank of a pond where lived a Frog.
When the Frog saw the Mouse, he swam to the bank and croaked.
“Won’t you pay me a visit? I can promise you a good time if you do.”
The Mouse did not need much coaxing, for he was very anxious to see the world and everything in it.
But though he could swim a little, he did not dare risk going into the pond without some help.
The Frog had a plan he tied the Mouse’s leg to his own with a tough reed.
Then into the pond he jumped, dragging his foolish companion with him.
The Mouse soon had enough of it and wanted to return to shore; but the treacherous Frog had other plans.
He pulled the Mouse down under the water and drowned him.
But before he could untie the reed that bound him to the dead Mouse, a Hawk came sailing over the pond.
Seeing the body of the Mouse floating on the water, the Hawk swooped down, seized the Mouse and carried it off, with the Frog dangling from its leg.
Thus at one swoop he had caught both meat and fish for his dinner.
She walked to the station to borrow
The Lamaze class was in full swing
A young Mouse in search of adventure was running along the bank of a pond where lived a Frog.
When the Frog saw the Mouse, he swam to the bank and croaked.
“Won’t you pay me a visit? I can promise you a good time if you do.”
The Mouse did not need much coaxing, for he was very anxious to see the world and everything in it.
But though he could swim a little, he did not dare risk going into the pond without some help.
The Frog had a plan he tied the Mouse’s leg to his own with a tough reed.
Then into the pond he jumped, dragging his foolish companion with him.
The Mouse soon had enough of it and wanted to return to shore; but the treacherous Frog had other plans.
He pulled the Mouse down under the water and drowned him.
But before he could untie the reed that bound him to the dead Mouse, a Hawk came sailing over the pond.
Seeing the body of the Mouse floating on the water, the Hawk swooped down, seized the Mouse and carried it off, with the Frog dangling from its leg.
Thus at one swoop he had caught both meat and fish for his dinner.
She walked to the station to borrow
The Lamaze class was in full swing
4.
It was their first quarrel.
Johnny was coming off worst until he brought his bride’s family into the argument.
“Your father is an old drunkard,” he stated with venom.
“Your mother is a nagger, and your brother is an idle Iay about”
“Can’t you say one decent thing about my family?” she asked, sarcastically.
Johnny replied: “Yes, just one! They were all opposed to our marriage.”
A couple were in a busy shopping center
A lady went to a doctor
It was their first quarrel.
Johnny was coming off worst until he brought his bride’s family into the argument.
“Your father is an old drunkard,” he stated with venom.
“Your mother is a nagger, and your brother is an idle Iay about”
“Can’t you say one decent thing about my family?” she asked, sarcastically.
Johnny replied: “Yes, just one! They were all opposed to our marriage.”
A couple were in a busy shopping center
A lady went to a doctor
5.
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde, who is tired, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don`t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don`t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don`t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What`s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
“Okay”, the lawyer continues, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references but he can`t find an answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress, but he still has no answer.
Frustrated, he e-mails all his friends and coworkers, which turns out to be to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
The doctor looked benignly at the woman
Three friends were at the bar
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde, who is tired, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don`t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don`t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don`t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What`s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
“Okay”, the lawyer continues, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references but he can`t find an answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress, but he still has no answer.
Frustrated, he e-mails all his friends and coworkers, which turns out to be to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
The doctor looked benignly at the woman
Three friends were at the bar
6.
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.”
“Why does the parrot cost so much?” asks the customer.
The owner says, “Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research.”
The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.
Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000.
Needless to say, this aroused the question, “What can it do?”
To which the owner replies, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”
The husband and wife have a quarrel
A man working in an IT company
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.”
“Why does the parrot cost so much?” asks the customer.
The owner says, “Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research.”
The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.
Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000.
Needless to say, this aroused the question, “What can it do?”
To which the owner replies, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”
The husband and wife have a quarrel
A man working in an IT company
7.
They were reaching a stalemate.
One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war.
The private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, “Why not? It’s not like we have any better ideas.”
The next day, an American soldier called out, “Hans?!”
A German popped up and shouted back, “Ja?!”
Boom, the German was shot dead.
The next day the Americans shouted again, “Hans?!”
“Ja!?”
Shot dead.
This process continued over the next couple of days.
The Germans were losing large numbers and were now finally catching on.
The Germans had an emergency meeting.
They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans.
Thus, a German asked, “What is a popular American name?” “John!” replied another.
The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan.
A German shouted, “John?!”
An American called back, “Is that you Hans?!”
A man goes to the doctor and tells
A guy is at the pearly gates
They were reaching a stalemate.
One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war.
The private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, “Why not? It’s not like we have any better ideas.”
The next day, an American soldier called out, “Hans?!”
A German popped up and shouted back, “Ja?!”
Boom, the German was shot dead.
The next day the Americans shouted again, “Hans?!”
“Ja!?”
Shot dead.
This process continued over the next couple of days.
The Germans were losing large numbers and were now finally catching on.
The Germans had an emergency meeting.
They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans.
Thus, a German asked, “What is a popular American name?” “John!” replied another.
The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan.
A German shouted, “John?!”
An American called back, “Is that you Hans?!”
A man goes to the doctor and tells
A guy is at the pearly gates
8.
“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”
“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits.
“Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it.”
“You’ll have to ask her.”
“Great Granny”, asks Susie the next time they visit her slightly senile grandmother in the nursing home.
“Why do you, Granny and Mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh for frick sake”, yells Great Granny.
“Are they still using that small goddamn frying pan??!!”
A man and his wife arrive from trip
A elderly husband and wife noticed
“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”
“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits.
“Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it.”
“You’ll have to ask her.”
“Great Granny”, asks Susie the next time they visit her slightly senile grandmother in the nursing home.
“Why do you, Granny and Mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh for frick sake”, yells Great Granny.
“Are they still using that small goddamn frying pan??!!”
A man and his wife arrive from trip
A elderly husband and wife noticed
9.
A woman decides to prove her intelligence to her husband.
While he is at work, she takes it upon herself to paint a couple of rooms in their house.
The next day, as soon as her husband leaves, she dives into the project. When he returns home at 5:30, he immediately notices the strong smell of paint.
Concerned, he walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor, drenched in sweat. To his surprise, she’s wearing both a ski jacket and a fur coat.
Worried, he asks if she’s okay.
She assures him she is fine. Curious, he inquires about her outfit. She explains that she wanted to prove that blondes can be smart by painting the house.
When he asks why she’s wearing both coats, she confidently explains, “I read the instructions on the paint can, and it said, ‘For best results, put on two coats.’”
The new wife tells her husband
A elderly couple was attending church
A woman decides to prove her intelligence to her husband.
While he is at work, she takes it upon herself to paint a couple of rooms in their house.
The next day, as soon as her husband leaves, she dives into the project. When he returns home at 5:30, he immediately notices the strong smell of paint.
Concerned, he walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor, drenched in sweat. To his surprise, she’s wearing both a ski jacket and a fur coat.
Worried, he asks if she’s okay.
She assures him she is fine. Curious, he inquires about her outfit. She explains that she wanted to prove that blondes can be smart by painting the house.
When he asks why she’s wearing both coats, she confidently explains, “I read the instructions on the paint can, and it said, ‘For best results, put on two coats.’”
The new wife tells her husband
A elderly couple was attending church
10.
A man goes into a cafe and sits down.
A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, “What’s the special of the day?”
“Chili,” she says, “but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl.”
The man says he’ll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it.
As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.
“Are you going to eat your chili?” he asked.
“No, help yourself,” replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili.
When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl.
Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.
The man sitting next to him says, “Yeah, that’s as far as I got, too.”
A old lady was stopped
The defense lawyer asks Sam
A man goes into a cafe and sits down.
A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, “What’s the special of the day?”
“Chili,” she says, “but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl.”
The man says he’ll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it.
As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.
“Are you going to eat your chili?” he asked.
“No, help yourself,” replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili.
When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl.
Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.
The man sitting next to him says, “Yeah, that’s as far as I got, too.”
A old lady was stopped
The defense lawyer asks Sam
11.
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him,
“If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”
Johnny says, “None.”
The teacher asks, “Why?” Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all off.”
The teacher says, “No, there are two left, but I like how you’re thinking.
Then Johnny asks the teacher, “You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor.”
One is licking her ice cream, one is taste it her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream.
Which one is married?” And the teacher responds,
“The one taste it her ice cream.”
Johnny says, “No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking
Anna realized that she had grown
One evening a husband and wife
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him,
“If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”
Johnny says, “None.”
The teacher asks, “Why?” Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all off.”
The teacher says, “No, there are two left, but I like how you’re thinking.
Then Johnny asks the teacher, “You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor.”
One is licking her ice cream, one is taste it her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream.
Which one is married?” And the teacher responds,
“The one taste it her ice cream.”
Johnny says, “No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking
Anna realized that she had grown
One evening a husband and wife
12.
A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”
Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”
“What’s that mean?” asked the child.
“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”
The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”
Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.” He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it and said, “Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block.”
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”
The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”
An elderly couple had dinner at another
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen
A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”
Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”
“What’s that mean?” asked the child.
“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”
The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”
Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.” He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it and said, “Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block.”
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”
The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”
An elderly couple had dinner at another
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen
13.
A man boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.
They exchange brief hellos and he notices that she is reading a manual about mating statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book about mating statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest average weapon and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.
By the way my name is Jill. What’s yours?”
He coolly replies, “Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you.”
A foursome of senior golfers
Two businessmen were taking
A man boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.
They exchange brief hellos and he notices that she is reading a manual about mating statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book about mating statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest average weapon and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.
By the way my name is Jill. What’s yours?”
He coolly replies, “Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you.”
A foursome of senior golfers
Two businessmen were taking
14.
On their wedding night young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years,..
with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, wife was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes
he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate down sizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another job.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million.
She explained that she had ‘charged’ and these were the results of her savings and investments.
The husband was so astounded he could barely speak.
Finally he found his voice and blurted out,…
“If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have had s*x only with you.”
That’s when she shot him.
Moral: You know, that’s what happens when you don’t know when to keep your mouth shut…!!!
John bought his new colleague Peter home for dinner
A very self-important college freshman
On their wedding night young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years,..
with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, wife was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes
he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate down sizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another job.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million.
She explained that she had ‘charged’ and these were the results of her savings and investments.
The husband was so astounded he could barely speak.
Finally he found his voice and blurted out,…
“If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have had s*x only with you.”
That’s when she shot him.
Moral: You know, that’s what happens when you don’t know when to keep your mouth shut…!!!
John bought his new colleague Peter home for dinner
A very self-important college freshman
15.
Husband: I won’t be able to sleep afterward.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: If you love me you’d be more considerate.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: Yes I do, but let’s forget it for tonight.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: Alright, I’ll do it.
Wife: What’s the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can’t find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven’s sake, feel for it.
Husband: There. Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that’s fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
A husband and wife are in bed
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church
Husband: I won’t be able to sleep afterward.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: If you love me you’d be more considerate.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: Yes I do, but let’s forget it for tonight.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: Alright, I’ll do it.
Wife: What’s the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can’t find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven’s sake, feel for it.
Husband: There. Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that’s fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
A husband and wife are in bed
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church
16.
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed.
In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.
She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband.
Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning.
She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.
“What’s wrong with you?” she asked him.
“Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were 16?” he replied.
“And remember, he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison.”
Baffled, she said, “yes, I remember. So?”
“Well…I would have gotten out today!”
One day two young brothers in Rome
A man and his wife of more than 50 years
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed.
In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.
She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband.
Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning.
She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.
“What’s wrong with you?” she asked him.
“Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were 16?” he replied.
“And remember, he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison.”
Baffled, she said, “yes, I remember. So?”
“Well…I would have gotten out today!”
One day two young brothers in Rome
A man and his wife of more than 50 years
17.
A doctor just finishes his check-up with a man.
Dr: I’ve got good new and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?
Patient: I guess the bad news.
Dr: Well, you only have about 3 months to live and there’s nothing else we can do. I’m sorry.
Patient: (starts crying).
Dr: Now, now I know you’re upset but remember, I also said there was good news.
Patient: Yes, I need some good news what is it?
Dr: Well, you know my nurse, Donna.
Patient: (cheering up) Yes?
Dr: You know, the one with the big fronts?
Patient: (more excited) Yes, yes.
Dr: You know the one that’s always flirting with you every time you come in for a checkup?
Patient: (very excited) Yes, yes what about her?
Dr: I finally had make love with her last night.
A salesman was trying to talk a farmer
A man walks into a butcher shop
A doctor just finishes his check-up with a man.
Dr: I’ve got good new and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?
Patient: I guess the bad news.
Dr: Well, you only have about 3 months to live and there’s nothing else we can do. I’m sorry.
Patient: (starts crying).
Dr: Now, now I know you’re upset but remember, I also said there was good news.
Patient: Yes, I need some good news what is it?
Dr: Well, you know my nurse, Donna.
Patient: (cheering up) Yes?
Dr: You know, the one with the big fronts?
Patient: (more excited) Yes, yes.
Dr: You know the one that’s always flirting with you every time you come in for a checkup?
Patient: (very excited) Yes, yes what about her?
Dr: I finally had make love with her last night.
A salesman was trying to talk a farmer
A man walks into a butcher shop
18.
He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates.
St.Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”
Ralph was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St.Peter said, “Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged.
It does involves a lot of paperwork… but sure.
You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back as a fish or as a hen.”
Ralph never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn’t be that bad after all.
Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence.
Ralph replied, “Okay, then I choose to be a hen.”
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. “So, you’re the new hen, eh? How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?”
“Never,” said Ralph.
“Well, just cluck twice and then push.”
Ralph clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg.
His joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You’re shitting the bed!!!”
A woman goes to her doctor
A attorney telephoned the governor
He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates.
St.Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”
Ralph was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St.Peter said, “Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged.
It does involves a lot of paperwork… but sure.
You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back as a fish or as a hen.”
Ralph never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn’t be that bad after all.
Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence.
Ralph replied, “Okay, then I choose to be a hen.”
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. “So, you’re the new hen, eh? How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?”
“Never,” said Ralph.
“Well, just cluck twice and then push.”
Ralph clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg.
His joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You’re shitting the bed!!!”
A woman goes to her doctor
A attorney telephoned the governor
19.
A old lady was walking her dog around a lake on a cold winter morning and the lake was still frozen.
All of a sudden, her little dog spotted a duck that was walking on the ice and ran out onto the frozen lake to try and catch it.
The dog ended up falling through the thin ice, fell into the freezing water and the old lady started to scream for help.
“Help, help, my dog has fallen into the lake”, she cried out in a state of hysteria.
Watching all this commotion was a German student, who had been jogging around the park.
He sprinted over to the lady and asked, “Vot is zee matter viv your dog, can I za help?”
“Oh yes please,” the old lady said.
“My dog is in the water over there” and she pointed out to the lake, where how pet pooch was thrashing about in the water, struggling to stay afloat.
So, the brave German jogger, without hesitation, waded into the near-freezing water of the lake, saved the dog and placed it on the grass beside the old lady.
“Oh you are so kind”, the old lady said,
“Are you a vet?”
“VET!”, replied the German jogger.
“VET! I’m soaked!”
A teenager has a crush on a girl
Two men were golfing
A old lady was walking her dog around a lake on a cold winter morning and the lake was still frozen.
All of a sudden, her little dog spotted a duck that was walking on the ice and ran out onto the frozen lake to try and catch it.
The dog ended up falling through the thin ice, fell into the freezing water and the old lady started to scream for help.
“Help, help, my dog has fallen into the lake”, she cried out in a state of hysteria.
Watching all this commotion was a German student, who had been jogging around the park.
He sprinted over to the lady and asked, “Vot is zee matter viv your dog, can I za help?”
“Oh yes please,” the old lady said.
“My dog is in the water over there” and she pointed out to the lake, where how pet pooch was thrashing about in the water, struggling to stay afloat.
So, the brave German jogger, without hesitation, waded into the near-freezing water of the lake, saved the dog and placed it on the grass beside the old lady.
“Oh you are so kind”, the old lady said,
“Are you a vet?”
“VET!”, replied the German jogger.
“VET! I’m soaked!”
A teenager has a crush on a girl
Two men were golfing
20.
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?”
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?”
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
“Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
“No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded.
“That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!” “Don’t worry about it.” the man answered.
“The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”
The patient ask to doctor
A lawyer a stop over by a Scottish police officer
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?”
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?”
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
“Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
“No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded.
“That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!” “Don’t worry about it.” the man answered.
“The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”
The patient ask to doctor
A lawyer a stop over by a Scottish police officer
21.
A mother was teaching her child about the side-effects of alcohol.
She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
She says “I want you to see this.”
She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.
She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, “what do you have to say about this experiment?”
The child responds by saying: “If I drink whiskey, I won’t get worms!”
Johnny was talking to a couple of boys
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat
A mother was teaching her child about the side-effects of alcohol.
She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
She says “I want you to see this.”
She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.
She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, “what do you have to say about this experiment?”
The child responds by saying: “If I drink whiskey, I won’t get worms!”
Johnny was talking to a couple of boys
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat
22.
A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn’t know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities.
She just couldn’t bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter.
After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term “Bathroom closet” but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.
“Does the camping ground have its own B.C.” is what she wrote.
Well, the camping ground owner was not old fashioned, and he just couldn’t figure out what the old lady was talking about.
So he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C
stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.
I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it.
They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there.
It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.
As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather.
If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.
Remember this is a very friendly community.
I need to inspect your ranch
A elderly Irish farmer
A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn’t know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities.
She just couldn’t bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter.
After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term “Bathroom closet” but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.
“Does the camping ground have its own B.C.” is what she wrote.
Well, the camping ground owner was not old fashioned, and he just couldn’t figure out what the old lady was talking about.
So he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C
stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.
I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it.
They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there.
It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.
As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather.
If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.
Remember this is a very friendly community.
I need to inspect your ranch
A elderly Irish farmer
23.
A blonde’s car gets a flat Tyre on the Interstate one day.
So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers…
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn’t very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, “What is going on here?”
“My car broke down, Officer” says the woman, calmly.
“Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!” asks the Officer…
“Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!” she replies.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend
A teenager has a crush on a girl
A blonde’s car gets a flat Tyre on the Interstate one day.
So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers…
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn’t very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, “What is going on here?”
“My car broke down, Officer” says the woman, calmly.
“Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!” asks the Officer…
“Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!” she replies.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend
A teenager has a crush on a girl
24.
An elderly couple had been dating for some time.
Finally, they decided it was time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
“How do you feel about make love?” he asked, rather trustingly.
“Well,” she says, responding carefully, “I’d have to say I would like it infrequently.”
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment.
Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, “Was that one word or two?”
Johnny and his father were walking
Two deaf people get married
An elderly couple had been dating for some time.
Finally, they decided it was time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
“How do you feel about make love?” he asked, rather trustingly.
“Well,” she says, responding carefully, “I’d have to say I would like it infrequently.”
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment.
Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, “Was that one word or two?”
Johnny and his father were walking
Two deaf people get married
25.
A teacher is going over farming tools with an inner-city class who’d never seen them.
“Children, does anybody know what this is?”
Little girl puts up her hand. “That’s a rake!”
“Very good, Sally. And who knows what this is?”
Little boy puts up his hand. “That’s a shovel!”
“Very good, Timmy. It’s a shovel. And what about this one?”
Children stare at the picture, but nobody raises their hand. “Well, class.
This is what’s known as a hoe. It’s used for-“
Little Johnny pipes up. “That ain’t no hoe!
My sister’s a hoe, and she don’t look nothing like that!”
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor’s pet
A restaurant manager is closing up for the night
A teacher is going over farming tools with an inner-city class who’d never seen them.
“Children, does anybody know what this is?”
Little girl puts up her hand. “That’s a rake!”
“Very good, Sally. And who knows what this is?”
Little boy puts up his hand. “That’s a shovel!”
“Very good, Timmy. It’s a shovel. And what about this one?”
Children stare at the picture, but nobody raises their hand. “Well, class.
This is what’s known as a hoe. It’s used for-“
Little Johnny pipes up. “That ain’t no hoe!
My sister’s a hoe, and she don’t look nothing like that!”
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor’s pet
A restaurant manager is closing up for the night
26.
A married man decided to work late to be with his young secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work, he invited his secretary to dinner.
It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had lovemaking for two hours.
Afterward, the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him.
Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.
Holding his neck with one hand, he said, “Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!”
“Hell, that’s nothing” she answered, ripping open her corset.
“Look what he did to my melons!”
Two boys playing by a stream
The 6th-grade science teacher
A married man decided to work late to be with his young secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work, he invited his secretary to dinner.
It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had lovemaking for two hours.
Afterward, the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him.
Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.
Holding his neck with one hand, he said, “Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!”
“Hell, that’s nothing” she answered, ripping open her corset.
“Look what he did to my melons!”
Two boys playing by a stream
The 6th-grade science teacher
27.
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and they both had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said “Where are you, you know we have lots to do.”
He said “You remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?”
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
“Yes, I do remember that shop,” she replied.
“Well… I am in the gun shop next door to that.”
A couple made a deal
Johnny and his wife had their first fight
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and they both had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said “Where are you, you know we have lots to do.”
He said “You remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?”
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
“Yes, I do remember that shop,” she replied.
“Well… I am in the gun shop next door to that.”
A couple made a deal
Johnny and his wife had their first fight
28.
“Bob, I’m sorry I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess,
I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you It’s been so incredible and fun, I’ve not been able to stop myself sometimes it goes on for hours and hours.
I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at home, I can’t live with the guilt any longer, I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology it won’t happen again.”
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text,
“Bloom-in’ auto-correct, it’ll be the death of me! I meant to say ‘wife’”
A blonde and a lawyer
She opened the door to see a well
“Bob, I’m sorry I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess,
I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you It’s been so incredible and fun, I’ve not been able to stop myself sometimes it goes on for hours and hours.
I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at home, I can’t live with the guilt any longer, I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology it won’t happen again.”
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text,
“Bloom-in’ auto-correct, it’ll be the death of me! I meant to say ‘wife’”
A blonde and a lawyer
She opened the door to see a well
29.
Father was a hardworking man who delivered bread as a living to support his wife and three children.
He spent all his evenings after work attending classes, hoping to improve himself so that he could one day find a better paying job.
Except for Sundays, Father hardly ate a meal together with his family.
He worked and studied very hard because he wanted to provide his family with the best money could buy.
Whenever the family complained that he was not spending enough time with them, he reasoned that he was doing all this for them.
But he often yearned to spend more time with his family.
The day came when the examination results were announced to his joy, Father passed, and with distinctions too! Soon after, he was offered a good job as a senior supervisor which paid handsomely.
Like a dream come true, Father could now afford to provide his family with life’s little luxuries like nice clothing, fine food and vacation abroad.
However, the family still did not get to see father for most of the week he continued to work very hard, hoping to be promoted to the position of manager.
She called in a repairman
I need to inspect your ranch
Father was a hardworking man who delivered bread as a living to support his wife and three children.
He spent all his evenings after work attending classes, hoping to improve himself so that he could one day find a better paying job.
Except for Sundays, Father hardly ate a meal together with his family.
He worked and studied very hard because he wanted to provide his family with the best money could buy.
Whenever the family complained that he was not spending enough time with them, he reasoned that he was doing all this for them.
But he often yearned to spend more time with his family.
The day came when the examination results were announced to his joy, Father passed, and with distinctions too! Soon after, he was offered a good job as a senior supervisor which paid handsomely.
Like a dream come true, Father could now afford to provide his family with life’s little luxuries like nice clothing, fine food and vacation abroad.
However, the family still did not get to see father for most of the week he continued to work very hard, hoping to be promoted to the position of manager.
She called in a repairman
I need to inspect your ranch
30.
The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class, “Who broke down the walls of Jericho?”
Little Johnny replies, “I dunno, but it wasn’t me!”
The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny’s lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies, “I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.”
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story…
After listening he replies: “I can’t see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the damned wall!”
A small boy lived in the local village
A man with an elephant walks
The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class, “Who broke down the walls of Jericho?”
Little Johnny replies, “I dunno, but it wasn’t me!”
The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny’s lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies, “I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.”
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story…
After listening he replies: “I can’t see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the damned wall!”
A small boy lived in the local village
A man with an elephant walks
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Eng Jokes
