1.
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
“Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”
“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.”
“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you, If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone?”
“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one biting the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
A man goes to the doctor
Getting late for a meeting
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
“Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”
“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.”
“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you, If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone?”
“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one biting the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
A man goes to the doctor
Getting late for a meeting
2.
A man comes home with his little daughter,
whom he has just taken to work.
The little girl asks,
“I saw you in your office with your secretary.
Why do you call her a doll?”
Feeling his wife’s gaze upon him, the man explains,
“Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl.
She types like you wouldn’t believe,
she knows the computer system and is very efficient.”
“Oh,” says the little girl,
“I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch.”
Innocent Babies Conversation
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry
A man comes home with his little daughter,
whom he has just taken to work.
The little girl asks,
“I saw you in your office with your secretary.
Why do you call her a doll?”
Feeling his wife’s gaze upon him, the man explains,
“Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl.
She types like you wouldn’t believe,
she knows the computer system and is very efficient.”
“Oh,” says the little girl,
“I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch.”
Innocent Babies Conversation
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry
3.
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep.
So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has make love with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn’t take, and loads them in the truck again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep.
He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.
“No,” she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.”
A fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach
A young teen aged girl was a call girl
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep.
So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has make love with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn’t take, and loads them in the truck again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep.
He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.
“No,” she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.”
A fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach
A young teen aged girl was a call girl
4.
A queer couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The one who was giving the party said, “We`be blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, I`be never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He had the tickets in His hand.
Next, it was the birthday boy`s turn.
He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, “Well, I`d like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
A Russian couple are walking
Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom
A queer couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The one who was giving the party said, “We`be blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, I`be never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He had the tickets in His hand.
Next, it was the birthday boy`s turn.
He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, “Well, I`d like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
A Russian couple are walking
Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom
5.
Three devout nuns were summoned into the priest office one day.
He told them “You have been loyal to the Lord and our church.
Because of this, I am granting you permission to go out and sin one time.
At the end of the day come back, confess your sin, bathe in holy water, and you will be forgiven.”
At the end of the day the three nuns returned.
The priest called on the first nun. “What sin have you committed my child?” The priest asked.
“I stole coins from the fountain,” the nun replied. “You are forgiven.
Go bathe in the holy water.”
He called the second nun to him.
He asked her sin and she replied “I danced around the square n*ked.”
He forgave her sin and sent her to bathe in the holy water.
The priest called the third nun to him.
The third nun walked in the office giggling uncontrollably.
The priest asked what sin she had committed.
When she got her laughter under control she replied “I peed in the holy water.
Three mice are sitting in a bar
Two guys walking in front of a large church
Three devout nuns were summoned into the priest office one day.
He told them “You have been loyal to the Lord and our church.
Because of this, I am granting you permission to go out and sin one time.
At the end of the day come back, confess your sin, bathe in holy water, and you will be forgiven.”
At the end of the day the three nuns returned.
The priest called on the first nun. “What sin have you committed my child?” The priest asked.
“I stole coins from the fountain,” the nun replied. “You are forgiven.
Go bathe in the holy water.”
He called the second nun to him.
He asked her sin and she replied “I danced around the square n*ked.”
He forgave her sin and sent her to bathe in the holy water.
The priest called the third nun to him.
The third nun walked in the office giggling uncontrollably.
The priest asked what sin she had committed.
When she got her laughter under control she replied “I peed in the holy water.
Three mice are sitting in a bar
Two guys walking in front of a large church
6.
A reverend awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard.
He had no idea how it got there, but he knew he had to get rid of it.
He called the sanitation department, the health department and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him.
In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked what should be done.
The mayor asked, “Why bother me? “You’re a clergyman. It’s your job to bury the dead.”
Jack Falls Apart
A few months after his parents were divorced
A reverend awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard.
He had no idea how it got there, but he knew he had to get rid of it.
He called the sanitation department, the health department and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him.
In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked what should be done.
The mayor asked, “Why bother me? “You’re a clergyman. It’s your job to bury the dead.”
Jack Falls Apart
A few months after his parents were divorced
7.
A Russian couple are walking when it begins to precipitate.
The man, Rudolph tells his wife it is raining but she insists that it is snowing.
Again and again she says that it is snowing but again and again he says that it is raining.
Once more she says to him, Rudolph, it definitely is snowing to which he replies, “Rudolph the red knows rain dear”.
A wife told her dream to her husband
A queer couple celebrating birthday
A Russian couple are walking when it begins to precipitate.
The man, Rudolph tells his wife it is raining but she insists that it is snowing.
Again and again she says that it is snowing but again and again he says that it is raining.
Once more she says to him, Rudolph, it definitely is snowing to which he replies, “Rudolph the red knows rain dear”.
A wife told her dream to her husband
A queer couple celebrating birthday
8.
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it.
Right afterwards, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake.
That was my cousin and I’m going to give you two choices either I maul you to death or we have making love.”
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.
So the black bear has his way with Frank, Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.
Right afterwards, there was another tap on his shoulder this time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Frank.
That was my cousin and you’ve got two choices, Either I maul you to death or we have rough make love.”
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death.
So the grizzly has his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.
Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.
He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, “Admit it Frank, you don’t come here for the hunting do you?
A 24 year old boy
A hotel guest calls the front desk
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it.
Right afterwards, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake.
That was my cousin and I’m going to give you two choices either I maul you to death or we have making love.”
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.
So the black bear has his way with Frank, Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.
Right afterwards, there was another tap on his shoulder this time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Frank.
That was my cousin and you’ve got two choices, Either I maul you to death or we have rough make love.”
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death.
So the grizzly has his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.
Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.
He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, “Admit it Frank, you don’t come here for the hunting do you?
A 24 year old boy
A hotel guest calls the front desk
9.
An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
“Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm”?
“Because he was conceived during a mighty storm”, she said.
Then he asked “Why is my sister named Cornflower”?
“Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her”, she replied.
He then asked “And why is my other sister called Moon child”?
“We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived”, the mother replies.
The mother paused and said to her son… “Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”
A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed
A elderly couple were having an elegant dinner
An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
“Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm”?
“Because he was conceived during a mighty storm”, she said.
Then he asked “Why is my sister named Cornflower”?
“Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her”, she replied.
He then asked “And why is my other sister called Moon child”?
“We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived”, the mother replies.
The mother paused and said to her son… “Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”
A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed
A elderly couple were having an elegant dinner
10.
My son’s teacher has been giving him poor marks for grammar.
At a parent-teacher conference, she was really lording it over me.
“You know, I consulted on the latest version of the Chicago Manual of Style.”
“Oh, wow, that’s—”
“And I have a Master’s from Cornell.”
“Yes, I saw the degree when I walked in, but my son really needs—”
“You don’t even have a degree! You think you know what your son needs?
You probably don’t even know parts of speech.
Tell me, OP, how do you feel about ‘pronouns’?”
“Well, I think they is great
On the outskirts of a small town
A man walks into a rooftop bar
My son’s teacher has been giving him poor marks for grammar.
At a parent-teacher conference, she was really lording it over me.
“You know, I consulted on the latest version of the Chicago Manual of Style.”
“Oh, wow, that’s—”
“And I have a Master’s from Cornell.”
“Yes, I saw the degree when I walked in, but my son really needs—”
“You don’t even have a degree! You think you know what your son needs?
You probably don’t even know parts of speech.
Tell me, OP, how do you feel about ‘pronouns’?”
“Well, I think they is great
On the outskirts of a small town
A man walks into a rooftop bar
11.
Jean was out walking with his grandfather in Paris.
At one point, they saw a shoemaker being insulted by a customer who claimed that there was something wrong with his shoes.
The shoemaker calmly listened to his complaints, apologized and promised to make good the mistake.
Jean and his grandfather stopped to have a coffee.
At the next table, the waiter asked a man if he would mind moving his chair slightly so that he could get by.
The man erupted in a torrent of abuse and refused to move.
‘Never forget what you have seen,’ said Jean’s grandfather.
‘The shoemaker accepted the customer’s complaint, while this man next to us did not want to move.
‘People who perform some useful task are not bothered if they hear some critics to their work, but people who do no useful work at all always think themselves very important and hide their incompetence behind their authority.’
There lived a peasant with his son
The newlyweds returned from their honeymoon
Jean was out walking with his grandfather in Paris.
At one point, they saw a shoemaker being insulted by a customer who claimed that there was something wrong with his shoes.
The shoemaker calmly listened to his complaints, apologized and promised to make good the mistake.
Jean and his grandfather stopped to have a coffee.
At the next table, the waiter asked a man if he would mind moving his chair slightly so that he could get by.
The man erupted in a torrent of abuse and refused to move.
‘Never forget what you have seen,’ said Jean’s grandfather.
‘The shoemaker accepted the customer’s complaint, while this man next to us did not want to move.
‘People who perform some useful task are not bothered if they hear some critics to their work, but people who do no useful work at all always think themselves very important and hide their incompetence behind their authority.’
There lived a peasant with his son
The newlyweds returned from their honeymoon
12.
The following day, the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raised her hand, “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.”
Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.
The teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Suzy replied, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”
Little Lucy went next, “My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.”
Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”
Next up was little Johnny.
He said, My gramps fought in World War 2, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory.
He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a knife.
On the way down, he drank the case of beer.
The teacher looked stunned, but little Johnny continued, Then gramps landed right in the middle of 100 German soldiers.
He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!
So he pulled out his knife and killed 20 more.
Then the blade on his knife broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.
The teacher now looked more than a little shocked.
After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
“Well,” Johnny replied, “don’t mess with gramps when he’s been drinking.”
Mrs Murphy and Mrs Cohen
A lion was feeling very hungry
The following day, the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raised her hand, “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.”
Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.
The teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Suzy replied, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”
Little Lucy went next, “My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.”
Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”
Next up was little Johnny.
He said, My gramps fought in World War 2, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory.
He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a knife.
On the way down, he drank the case of beer.
The teacher looked stunned, but little Johnny continued, Then gramps landed right in the middle of 100 German soldiers.
He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!
So he pulled out his knife and killed 20 more.
Then the blade on his knife broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.
The teacher now looked more than a little shocked.
After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
“Well,” Johnny replied, “don’t mess with gramps when he’s been drinking.”
Mrs Murphy and Mrs Cohen
A lion was feeling very hungry
13.
A blonde was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories.
A week later the blonde complained to the doctor that they didn’t produce the desired results.
“Have you been taking them regularly?” the doctor asked.
“What do you think I’ve been doing,” the blonde said, “Shoving them up my bum?”
Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time
Two man decide to go duck hunting
A blonde was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories.
A week later the blonde complained to the doctor that they didn’t produce the desired results.
“Have you been taking them regularly?” the doctor asked.
“What do you think I’ve been doing,” the blonde said, “Shoving them up my bum?”
Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time
Two man decide to go duck hunting
14.
A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in lovemaking.
“Back ladies, back!” cried the leader.
“There’s a very dangerous beast out there!”
But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening.
They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing.
“Well, err… if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration… yeah, that’s it, it’s artificial respiration!”
“Wow!” exclaimed the oldest of the group.
“I know which merit badge I’m gonna try for next!”
A Irish man went to the courthouse
A man comes home
A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in lovemaking.
“Back ladies, back!” cried the leader.
“There’s a very dangerous beast out there!”
But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening.
They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing.
“Well, err… if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration… yeah, that’s it, it’s artificial respiration!”
“Wow!” exclaimed the oldest of the group.
“I know which merit badge I’m gonna try for next!”
A Irish man went to the courthouse
A man comes home
15.
A man took his wife to a Broadway show.
During the first intermission he had to use the bathroom in the worst way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms.
He searched in vain for the rest rooms, but instead, all he found was a beautiful fountain with foliage.
Nobody was watching, so he decided to take a go right there.
When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun.
He searched in the dark until he found his wife.
“Did I miss much of the second act?” he asked.
“Miss it?” she said, “You were starring in it!”
A married couple in their early
A young Japanese girl had been taught
A man took his wife to a Broadway show.
During the first intermission he had to use the bathroom in the worst way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms.
He searched in vain for the rest rooms, but instead, all he found was a beautiful fountain with foliage.
Nobody was watching, so he decided to take a go right there.
When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun.
He searched in the dark until he found his wife.
“Did I miss much of the second act?” he asked.
“Miss it?” she said, “You were starring in it!”
A married couple in their early
A young Japanese girl had been taught
16.
There’s a guy with a 25-inch tool and is always wanting to get closer to the girls he is having lovemaking with.
One day he comes upon a witch and he tells her about his problem.
She tells him about a frog who can make his weapon smaller.
All he had to do is make the frog say no and his weapon would shrink 5-inches.
So, he goes to find the frog and ask the frog to marry him.
The frog says no and his tool get down to 20-inches.
He decides he wants to be closer so he ask the frog to marry him again, and again the frog said no and another 5-inches are gone.
He decides he wants to be even closer so he ask the frog one more time to marry him.
The frog said, “How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, no, no, no.”
The bartender asked a guy
A father has three daughters
There’s a guy with a 25-inch tool and is always wanting to get closer to the girls he is having lovemaking with.
One day he comes upon a witch and he tells her about his problem.
She tells him about a frog who can make his weapon smaller.
All he had to do is make the frog say no and his weapon would shrink 5-inches.
So, he goes to find the frog and ask the frog to marry him.
The frog says no and his tool get down to 20-inches.
He decides he wants to be closer so he ask the frog to marry him again, and again the frog said no and another 5-inches are gone.
He decides he wants to be even closer so he ask the frog one more time to marry him.
The frog said, “How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, no, no, no.”
The bartender asked a guy
A father has three daughters
17.
Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it’s his daughter’s birthday and he hasn’t bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, “How much is that Barbie in the window?”
In a condescending manner, she says, “Which Barbie?”
She continues, “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”
Ralph asks, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?”
“That’s obvious,” the saleslady says.
“Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture.”
A police officer attempts to stop
Bob was in trouble
Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it’s his daughter’s birthday and he hasn’t bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, “How much is that Barbie in the window?”
In a condescending manner, she says, “Which Barbie?”
She continues, “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”
Ralph asks, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?”
“That’s obvious,” the saleslady says.
“Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture.”
A police officer attempts to stop
Bob was in trouble
18.
Teacher: “Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you?”
Students: “Eggs!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you?”
Students: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Students: “Homework!”
A young man was sitting in his office
A teacher asked her students
Teacher: “Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you?”
Students: “Eggs!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you?”
Students: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Students: “Homework!”
A young man was sitting in his office
A teacher asked her students
19.
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable It’s just that you look just like my son who just died recently.”
“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes,” she said.
“As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Goodbye mother’? It would make me feel much better.”
“Sure,” answered the young man as the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye mother!”
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50
“How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!”
“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
A man went to a gift store
A security guard has a dream
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable It’s just that you look just like my son who just died recently.”
“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes,” she said.
“As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Goodbye mother’? It would make me feel much better.”
“Sure,” answered the young man as the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye mother!”
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50
“How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!”
“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
A man went to a gift store
A security guard has a dream
20.
Two turtles walk into a bar.
As soon as they enter inside, it starts to rain.
The big turtle turns to the smaller one and says Go home and get the umbrella.
Small Turtle I will, if you promise not to touch my soda.
Two hours pass…….
Big Turtle Well. I guess he’s not coming back. May as well drink his soda.
As he’s about to reach for it, a voice from outside the bar says
If you touch the soda, I won’t go home and get the umbrella.
Three babies are in their mother
On their 50th wedding anniversary
Two turtles walk into a bar.
As soon as they enter inside, it starts to rain.
The big turtle turns to the smaller one and says Go home and get the umbrella.
Small Turtle I will, if you promise not to touch my soda.
Two hours pass…….
Big Turtle Well. I guess he’s not coming back. May as well drink his soda.
As he’s about to reach for it, a voice from outside the bar says
If you touch the soda, I won’t go home and get the umbrella.
Three babies are in their mother
On their 50th wedding anniversary
21.
A man was working on a preacher’s car in a garage and he was pushing hard on a wrench to loosen a nut and his hand slipped
He yelled “G**damn it” and the preacher said, “Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain, say ‘Lord, help me, Lord help me.'”
The man went back to work and, a little while after, his hand slipped again and he said “Goddamn it” again.
The preacher again told him, “Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain, say ‘Lord help me, Lord help me.”
The man put the car up on the jacks and got under it and, all of a sudden, the car starting coming down and he said, “Lord, help me, Lord help me!” And the car started rising.
The preacher said all of a sudden, “Well, Goddamn.”
A man is in court for murder
The trooper asked the driver
A man was working on a preacher’s car in a garage and he was pushing hard on a wrench to loosen a nut and his hand slipped
He yelled “G**damn it” and the preacher said, “Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain, say ‘Lord, help me, Lord help me.'”
The man went back to work and, a little while after, his hand slipped again and he said “Goddamn it” again.
The preacher again told him, “Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain, say ‘Lord help me, Lord help me.”
The man put the car up on the jacks and got under it and, all of a sudden, the car starting coming down and he said, “Lord, help me, Lord help me!” And the car started rising.
The preacher said all of a sudden, “Well, Goddamn.”
A man is in court for murder
The trooper asked the driver
22.
At St. Peter’s Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband’s marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Well a, I’v a tried to treat her nice a, spend a money on her, but best a of all is, I took a her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”
The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”
Giuseppe proudly replied, “I gonna go pick her up.”
The little boy had been looking
A confused father goes to buy a Barbie Doll
At St. Peter’s Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband’s marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Well a, I’v a tried to treat her nice a, spend a money on her, but best a of all is, I took a her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”
The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”
Giuseppe proudly replied, “I gonna go pick her up.”
The little boy had been looking
A confused father goes to buy a Barbie Doll
23.
Haggling over a pricing structure with Dwayne Johnson
Dwayne Johnson recently came to the arts and crafts store I own looking to buy equipment for the wardrobe department for his latest movie.
He asked if we could quickly fill a large order of cloth-cutting shears.
I told him yes, but given the rush, we couldn’t offer a bulk discount.
For the next hour, Mr. Johnson haggled with me, insisting on paying a single, reduced price for the order of shears rather than the standard per-item price.
With my frustration growing, Mr. Johnson wouldn’t back down.
Finally, he made a desperate attempt to get the deal he wanted: he suggested we play any simple game of my choice; winner sets the price structure for the shears.
He then asked me what I wanted to play.
Unable to hold back my aggravation, I shouted: ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS!
A hideous little orc is in the kingdom’s capital
A scientist is asked by the government
Haggling over a pricing structure with Dwayne Johnson
Dwayne Johnson recently came to the arts and crafts store I own looking to buy equipment for the wardrobe department for his latest movie.
He asked if we could quickly fill a large order of cloth-cutting shears.
I told him yes, but given the rush, we couldn’t offer a bulk discount.
For the next hour, Mr. Johnson haggled with me, insisting on paying a single, reduced price for the order of shears rather than the standard per-item price.
With my frustration growing, Mr. Johnson wouldn’t back down.
Finally, he made a desperate attempt to get the deal he wanted: he suggested we play any simple game of my choice; winner sets the price structure for the shears.
He then asked me what I wanted to play.
Unable to hold back my aggravation, I shouted: ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS!
A hideous little orc is in the kingdom’s capital
A scientist is asked by the government
24.
A man walks pass a beggar on the corner of the street where he works.
The beggar holds out his one hand and the man drops a coin into his hand.
One day the man walks pass the beggar again and notices the beggar is holding hold out both his hands.
He asks: “Why are you holding out both of your hands?”
The beggar replied, “You see sir, business is going so well I decided to open another branch.”
A couple in the backyard
A boy was visiting his grandmother
A man walks pass a beggar on the corner of the street where he works.
The beggar holds out his one hand and the man drops a coin into his hand.
One day the man walks pass the beggar again and notices the beggar is holding hold out both his hands.
He asks: “Why are you holding out both of your hands?”
The beggar replied, “You see sir, business is going so well I decided to open another branch.”
A couple in the backyard
A boy was visiting his grandmother
25.
A wife was frying some eggs one morning when suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
He shouted, “Careful, Careful! Put some more butter in! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Tum them now! We need more butter.
They’re going to stick! Careful. I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking. Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget. Use the salt. THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him in amazement, “What is wrong with you? I know how to fry a couple of eggs.”
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
A man and his wife went to a doctor
A man returns home a day early
A wife was frying some eggs one morning when suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
He shouted, “Careful, Careful! Put some more butter in! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Tum them now! We need more butter.
They’re going to stick! Careful. I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking. Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget. Use the salt. THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him in amazement, “What is wrong with you? I know how to fry a couple of eggs.”
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
A man and his wife went to a doctor
A man returns home a day early
26.
A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.
“Help! Is there anybody up there” he shouted.
A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:
“I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me.”
“Yes, yes, I trust you!” cried the man.
“Let go of the branch,” boomed the voice.
There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again,
“Is there anyone else up there I could talk to?”
Suddenly Satan appeared
A woman walks into the City
A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.
“Help! Is there anybody up there” he shouted.
A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:
“I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me.”
“Yes, yes, I trust you!” cried the man.
“Let go of the branch,” boomed the voice.
There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again,
“Is there anyone else up there I could talk to?”
Suddenly Satan appeared
A woman walks into the City
27.
A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary.
Knowing his wife loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her.
When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared.
He thanked them and gave each of them one wish.
The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband.
Shazam! Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc.
The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger.
The genie smiled and Shazam! Instantly he turned 93 years old.
A young couple were in their honeymoon
A married couple moves into to a new home
A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary.
Knowing his wife loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her.
When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared.
He thanked them and gave each of them one wish.
The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband.
Shazam! Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc.
The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger.
The genie smiled and Shazam! Instantly he turned 93 years old.
A young couple were in their honeymoon
A married couple moves into to a new home
28.
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said: “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
“The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: “Why, he’s a public servant and shouldn’t say things to insult passengers.”
“You’re right,” she said. “I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.”
“That’s a good idea,” the man said.
“Here, let me hold your monkey.”
Johnny greeted his mother at the door
She goes in and asks the sales clerk
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said: “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
“The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: “Why, he’s a public servant and shouldn’t say things to insult passengers.”
“You’re right,” she said. “I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.”
“That’s a good idea,” the man said.
“Here, let me hold your monkey.”
Johnny greeted his mother at the door
She goes in and asks the sales clerk
29.
Four guys, one each from Harvard, Yale, MIT University and SANTA SINGH from Punjab University were to be interviewed for a prestigious job.
One common question was asked to all of them.
INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?
YALE Guy: It is Light, nothing can travel faster than Light.
HARVARD Guy: It’s the Thought; because thought is so fast it comes instantly in your mind.
MIT Guy: Its Blink, you can blink and it’s hard to realize you blinked.
SANTA SINGH: It’s Loose Motion.
INTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Santa’s reply) “WHY”?
SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps,
and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it was over !!
A priest and a taxi driver both died
A farmer got in his truck
Four guys, one each from Harvard, Yale, MIT University and SANTA SINGH from Punjab University were to be interviewed for a prestigious job.
One common question was asked to all of them.
INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?
YALE Guy: It is Light, nothing can travel faster than Light.
HARVARD Guy: It’s the Thought; because thought is so fast it comes instantly in your mind.
MIT Guy: Its Blink, you can blink and it’s hard to realize you blinked.
SANTA SINGH: It’s Loose Motion.
INTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Santa’s reply) “WHY”?
SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps,
and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it was over !!
A priest and a taxi driver both died
A farmer got in his truck
30.
Nasreddin Hodja was lying in the shade of an ancient walnut tree.
His body was at rest, but, befitting his calling as an imam, his mind did not relax.
Looking up into the mighty tree he considered the greatness and wisdom of Allah.
“Allah is great and Allah is good,” said the Hodja,
“but was it indeed wise that such a great tree as this be created to bear only tiny walnuts as fruit?
Behold the stout stem and strong limbs.
They could easily carry the pumpkins that grow from spindly vines in yonder field, vines that cannot begin to bear the weight of their own fruit.
Should not walnuts grow on weakly vines and pumpkins on sturdy trees?”
So thinking, the Hodja dosed off, only to be awakened by a walnut that fell from the tree, striking him on his forehead.
“Allah be praised!” he exclaimed, seeing what had happened.
“If the world had been created according to my meager wisdom,
it would have been a pumpkin that fell from the tree and hit me on the head.
It would have killed me for sure!
Allah is great! Allah is good! Allah is wise!” Never again did Nasreddin Hodja question the wisdom of Allah.
Who You Are Makes A Difference
The cop walks up to the truck and asks
Nasreddin Hodja was lying in the shade of an ancient walnut tree.
His body was at rest, but, befitting his calling as an imam, his mind did not relax.
Looking up into the mighty tree he considered the greatness and wisdom of Allah.
“Allah is great and Allah is good,” said the Hodja,
“but was it indeed wise that such a great tree as this be created to bear only tiny walnuts as fruit?
Behold the stout stem and strong limbs.
They could easily carry the pumpkins that grow from spindly vines in yonder field, vines that cannot begin to bear the weight of their own fruit.
Should not walnuts grow on weakly vines and pumpkins on sturdy trees?”
So thinking, the Hodja dosed off, only to be awakened by a walnut that fell from the tree, striking him on his forehead.
“Allah be praised!” he exclaimed, seeing what had happened.
“If the world had been created according to my meager wisdom,
it would have been a pumpkin that fell from the tree and hit me on the head.
It would have killed me for sure!
Allah is great! Allah is good! Allah is wise!” Never again did Nasreddin Hodja question the wisdom of Allah.
Who You Are Makes A Difference
The cop walks up to the truck and asks
Tags:
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