1.
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks, “Ma’am, what do you want with arsenic?”
The lady says, “To kill my husband.”
“I can’t sell you any for that reason,” says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist’s wife, and shows it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says, “Oh I didn’t know you had a prescription!”
A nurse at hospital received a call
A man hasn’t been feeling well
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks, “Ma’am, what do you want with arsenic?”
The lady says, “To kill my husband.”
“I can’t sell you any for that reason,” says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist’s wife, and shows it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says, “Oh I didn’t know you had a prescription!”
A nurse at hospital received a call
A man hasn’t been feeling well
2.
Two kids are talking to each other.
One says, “I’m really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I’m worried sick!”
The other kid says, “What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you’ve got it made!”
The first kid says, “What if they try to escape?”
A family enters a large store
A guy went fishing with his friend
Two kids are talking to each other.
One says, “I’m really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I’m worried sick!”
The other kid says, “What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you’ve got it made!”
The first kid says, “What if they try to escape?”
A family enters a large store
A guy went fishing with his friend
3.
Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where the conversation turned to the subject of marriage.
Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.
Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead.
During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.
Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted:
“Well, don’t you have something to ask me?”
Dave then got down on bended knee.
“Honey,” he said, “Will you buy me a new computer?”
The ninety-five-year-old woman
A man named Marty called his son
Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where the conversation turned to the subject of marriage.
Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.
Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead.
During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.
Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted:
“Well, don’t you have something to ask me?”
Dave then got down on bended knee.
“Honey,” he said, “Will you buy me a new computer?”
The ninety-five-year-old woman
A man named Marty called his son
4.
Two immigrants are on a ship heading to America.
One asks the other, “What is the first thing you are going to do when you get to America?”
The second one replies, “Since I am going to become an American the first thing I am going to do is eat American food to start the process.”
The first one agrees that this is a great idea and decides to join him.
The ship docks and they leave looking for ‘American’ food.
They see a hot dog cart and head right over.
As they are walking away, the first one opens his wrapper and stares for a moment, then turns to the other and asks,
“So what part of the dog did you get?”
A rather virtuous young couple marry
A boy and his dad are walking through the park
Two immigrants are on a ship heading to America.
One asks the other, “What is the first thing you are going to do when you get to America?”
The second one replies, “Since I am going to become an American the first thing I am going to do is eat American food to start the process.”
The first one agrees that this is a great idea and decides to join him.
The ship docks and they leave looking for ‘American’ food.
They see a hot dog cart and head right over.
As they are walking away, the first one opens his wrapper and stares for a moment, then turns to the other and asks,
“So what part of the dog did you get?”
A rather virtuous young couple marry
A boy and his dad are walking through the park
5.
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem.
She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
“The curlers are on me.”
A man goes into the confession booth
Two men are organizing a herd of deer
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem.
She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
“The curlers are on me.”
A man goes into the confession booth
Two men are organizing a herd of deer
6.
A very wise mother bought her young son a pet hamster for his birthday.
He had lots of fun with it and then one day it died.
He asked if he could bury it in the front garden, she said yes, but first suggested they make a “jam” from it, which they did.
About two weeks later a sunflower started growing over the grave so he quickly ran and told his mom to come and have a look.
She replied, “What did you expect?”
“Tulips from hamster jam?”
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation
A blonde walks into an appliance store
A very wise mother bought her young son a pet hamster for his birthday.
He had lots of fun with it and then one day it died.
He asked if he could bury it in the front garden, she said yes, but first suggested they make a “jam” from it, which they did.
About two weeks later a sunflower started growing over the grave so he quickly ran and told his mom to come and have a look.
She replied, “What did you expect?”
“Tulips from hamster jam?”
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation
A blonde walks into an appliance store
7.
An old man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish.
By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says,
‘Sir, I’m afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish.
The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house.
I’m afraid I’ll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!’
The old man gets really upset and refuses to give up his food.
The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.
A few minutes later the officer walks over to the old man’s table and says,
‘Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I’ll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I’ll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I’ll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I’ll break one of your arms!’
The old man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird’s r*ctum, pulls it out and licks it.
He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, ‘Go ahead!’
A wife asked her husband to drop her
A old man went to a doctor
An old man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish.
By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says,
‘Sir, I’m afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish.
The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house.
I’m afraid I’ll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!’
The old man gets really upset and refuses to give up his food.
The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.
A few minutes later the officer walks over to the old man’s table and says,
‘Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I’ll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I’ll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I’ll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I’ll break one of your arms!’
The old man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird’s r*ctum, pulls it out and licks it.
He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, ‘Go ahead!’
A wife asked her husband to drop her
A old man went to a doctor
8.
An older white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday with his beautiful young girlfriend at his side.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over
“Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000”, the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement
The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque.
“I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick up the ring Monday afternoon” he said.
Monday morning a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man
“There’s no money in that account!”
“I know”, said the old man
“But can you imagine the weekend I just had?”
A gorgeous redhead woman
The rain was pouring
An older white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday with his beautiful young girlfriend at his side.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over
“Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000”, the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement
The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque.
“I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick up the ring Monday afternoon” he said.
Monday morning a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man
“There’s no money in that account!”
“I know”, said the old man
“But can you imagine the weekend I just had?”
A gorgeous redhead woman
The rain was pouring
9.
Joe was a steward for Fly High airlines.
He watched as an older lady boarded the plane holding a dog in a cage.
“Excuse me,” said Joe “dogs are not allowed on board, you have to check it in with the baggage.”
The lady wasn’t happy, but Joe was an experienced steward and succeeded in convincing the lady without much of a scene.
Upon arrival, Joe took a peek in the cage, and to his great surprise, saw that the dog was dead! Frantic that they may get sued, Joe quickly sent one of his underlings out to town to buy a dog that looked exactly the same.
Just in the nick of time the underling arrived with the dog.
They quickly switched dogs and breathed a sigh of relief.
“This isn’t my dog!” said the lady as soon as she saw it.
“I’m sure it is” insisted Joe “I was very careful about where I put it.”
“It’s not my dog” argued the lady, “you see, I was bringing my dog to my home town to have him buried, and this dog is alive!”
The cop pulled over an old lady
A cop pulls her over and says
Joe was a steward for Fly High airlines.
He watched as an older lady boarded the plane holding a dog in a cage.
“Excuse me,” said Joe “dogs are not allowed on board, you have to check it in with the baggage.”
The lady wasn’t happy, but Joe was an experienced steward and succeeded in convincing the lady without much of a scene.
Upon arrival, Joe took a peek in the cage, and to his great surprise, saw that the dog was dead! Frantic that they may get sued, Joe quickly sent one of his underlings out to town to buy a dog that looked exactly the same.
Just in the nick of time the underling arrived with the dog.
They quickly switched dogs and breathed a sigh of relief.
“This isn’t my dog!” said the lady as soon as she saw it.
“I’m sure it is” insisted Joe “I was very careful about where I put it.”
“It’s not my dog” argued the lady, “you see, I was bringing my dog to my home town to have him buried, and this dog is alive!”
The cop pulled over an old lady
A cop pulls her over and says
10.
A boss says to his secretary, “we are travelling abroad for the week so make arrangements.”
The secretary makes call to her husband, “my boss and i will be travelling abroad for some reasons.”
The secretary husband makes call to her secret lover, “my wife is travelling for the weekend so come to my house so that we can be together.”
The secret lover makes call to the child she’s teaching lesson, “i will not be at home this week so don’t come for lesson.”
The child makes call to his grandpa “grandpa, my lesson teacher is not around so i’ll use the weekend with you.”
Then grandpa makes call to his secretary “my grandson is coming to use his weekend with me so we are not travelling again.”
The secretary makes call to her husband, “my boss said his grandson is coming to use weekend with him, so our trip is cancelled.”
The husband makes a call to secret lover, “We cannot spend the week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.”
The secret lover makes a call to little boy, “We will still have classes as usual this week.”
The little boy makes a call to his grandfather, “Grandpa! I’m sorry we won’t be able to spend the week together. My teacher called and said that I have to attend classes.”
The grandpa makes a call to his secretary, “Change of plans! My grandson is no more coming. So we are still travelling this week. Make arrangements.”
A old man and a 20 year old are paired together
Three women friends met for drinks after work
A boss says to his secretary, “we are travelling abroad for the week so make arrangements.”
The secretary makes call to her husband, “my boss and i will be travelling abroad for some reasons.”
The secretary husband makes call to her secret lover, “my wife is travelling for the weekend so come to my house so that we can be together.”
The secret lover makes call to the child she’s teaching lesson, “i will not be at home this week so don’t come for lesson.”
The child makes call to his grandpa “grandpa, my lesson teacher is not around so i’ll use the weekend with you.”
Then grandpa makes call to his secretary “my grandson is coming to use his weekend with me so we are not travelling again.”
The secretary makes call to her husband, “my boss said his grandson is coming to use weekend with him, so our trip is cancelled.”
The husband makes a call to secret lover, “We cannot spend the week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.”
The secret lover makes a call to little boy, “We will still have classes as usual this week.”
The little boy makes a call to his grandfather, “Grandpa! I’m sorry we won’t be able to spend the week together. My teacher called and said that I have to attend classes.”
The grandpa makes a call to his secretary, “Change of plans! My grandson is no more coming. So we are still travelling this week. Make arrangements.”
A old man and a 20 year old are paired together
Three women friends met for drinks after work
11.
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: “Purebred Police Dog $25.”
Thinking that it to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, “How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?”
“Don’t let his looks deceive you, ma’am,” the man replied, “He’s in the Secret Service.”
A elderly couple were sitting outdoors
He was at in the pub last night
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: “Purebred Police Dog $25.”
Thinking that it to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, “How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?”
“Don’t let his looks deceive you, ma’am,” the man replied, “He’s in the Secret Service.”
A elderly couple were sitting outdoors
He was at in the pub last night
12.
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world.
“My Father is better than your Father!” Billy declared.
“No, he’s not!” Johnny responded.
“My brother is better than you brother!” Billy said.
“He is not! He is not!” Yelled Little Johnny.
“My Mother is better than your Mother!” Billy continued.
A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, “Well, I guess ya got me there. I’ve heard my Father say the same thing more than once.”
They decided to go for a swim
Peter comes very drunk home
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world.
“My Father is better than your Father!” Billy declared.
“No, he’s not!” Johnny responded.
“My brother is better than you brother!” Billy said.
“He is not! He is not!” Yelled Little Johnny.
“My Mother is better than your Mother!” Billy continued.
A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, “Well, I guess ya got me there. I’ve heard my Father say the same thing more than once.”
They decided to go for a swim
Peter comes very drunk home
13.
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, “Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?”
“I’m in love,” the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, “With whom?”
“With you!” he said.
“But Johnny,” she said gently, “don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” the boy said reassuringly, “I’ll use a rubber!”
Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor
A young man asked an old rich man
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, “Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?”
“I’m in love,” the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, “With whom?”
“With you!” he said.
“But Johnny,” she said gently, “don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” the boy said reassuringly, “I’ll use a rubber!”
Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor
A young man asked an old rich man
14.
A man and his wife were driving down the road and talking.
The wife asked her husband, “Honey if I were to die, would you get remarried?”
The husband thought for a moment and then said, “Well, yes I think I would.”
The wife wasn’t too happy about this, she spent some time in quiet thought.
Then, after a while she said, “Honey, if I were to die and you were to get remarried, would you give your new wife my jewelry?”
“Well honey, I guess I would.”
The wife wasn’t too happy about this either.
She spent a little more time in thought while they continued their drive and then said,
“Honey, if I were to die and you were to get remarried, would you give your new wife my handbags?”
The husband paused for a moment and then said, “Well sure, I think I would.”
The wife was again a little dismayed with this and spent a little more time in thought.
Then she said to her husband, “Honey if I were to die and you were to get married again would you give your new wife my golf clubs?”
“No,” he said, “she’s left-handed.”
A man working in an IT company
A man and his wife enter a dentist
A man and his wife were driving down the road and talking.
The wife asked her husband, “Honey if I were to die, would you get remarried?”
The husband thought for a moment and then said, “Well, yes I think I would.”
The wife wasn’t too happy about this, she spent some time in quiet thought.
Then, after a while she said, “Honey, if I were to die and you were to get remarried, would you give your new wife my jewelry?”
“Well honey, I guess I would.”
The wife wasn’t too happy about this either.
She spent a little more time in thought while they continued their drive and then said,
“Honey, if I were to die and you were to get remarried, would you give your new wife my handbags?”
The husband paused for a moment and then said, “Well sure, I think I would.”
The wife was again a little dismayed with this and spent a little more time in thought.
Then she said to her husband, “Honey if I were to die and you were to get married again would you give your new wife my golf clubs?”
“No,” he said, “she’s left-handed.”
A man working in an IT company
A man and his wife enter a dentist
15.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
“Good morning Ma’am. What are you doing?”
“Reading a book,” she replies, thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“I’m sorry officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with make love,” says the woman.
“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.
“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”
“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.
A woman goes to the supermarket
A 75 year old man was walking
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
“Good morning Ma’am. What are you doing?”
“Reading a book,” she replies, thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“I’m sorry officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with make love,” says the woman.
“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.
“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”
“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.
A woman goes to the supermarket
A 75 year old man was walking
16.
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile up on the freeway.
You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but something happened.
I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact!
But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap.
It’s $1000 an inch.”
The man perks up at this.
“So,” the doctor says, “it’s for you to decide how many inches you want, but it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife.
I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine inches, she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five inches this time, she might be disappointed.
So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.”
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day.
“So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”
“I have,” says the man.
“And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor.
“She has,” says the man.
“And what is it?” asks the doctor.
“We’re getting a new kitchen.”
Two women are discussing
There are three women
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile up on the freeway.
You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but something happened.
I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact!
But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap.
It’s $1000 an inch.”
The man perks up at this.
“So,” the doctor says, “it’s for you to decide how many inches you want, but it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife.
I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine inches, she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five inches this time, she might be disappointed.
So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.”
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day.
“So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”
“I have,” says the man.
“And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor.
“She has,” says the man.
“And what is it?” asks the doctor.
“We’re getting a new kitchen.”
Two women are discussing
There are three women
17.
An old owl was perched on a tree on top of a hill one very cold night.
He looked down in the valley and saw a light in a window so he decided to fly down to the window ledge in hopes there was some warmth escaping.
Well sure enough it was warm, so he fell fast asleep.
He didn’t know that there were two veterinary students inside studying for final exams.
The two veterinary students spotted the owl and decided to use him as practice.
They eased the window open and gassed him.
The first student looked down the owls throat and said he has tonsillitis, so he operated.
The other looked at his butt and announced that the owl had hemorrhoids, so he operated.
They placed the owl back out on the ledge.
The owl woke up very groggy and flew away.
The next winter that same owl was perched on the same tree on a very cold night.
A young owl landed next to him and said brrrr it sure is cold out tonight.
The old owl agreed.
The young owl noticed there was a light down in the valley and suggested they both fly down there to the window ledge and maybe find some escaping heat.
The old owl replied “no way”, last year I did the same thing, passed out, woke up drunk and for the next six weeks I couldn’t sh!t worth a hoot or hoot worth a sh!t.
Joe was sitting at a bar
A alabama sheriff went fishing
An old owl was perched on a tree on top of a hill one very cold night.
He looked down in the valley and saw a light in a window so he decided to fly down to the window ledge in hopes there was some warmth escaping.
Well sure enough it was warm, so he fell fast asleep.
He didn’t know that there were two veterinary students inside studying for final exams.
The two veterinary students spotted the owl and decided to use him as practice.
They eased the window open and gassed him.
The first student looked down the owls throat and said he has tonsillitis, so he operated.
The other looked at his butt and announced that the owl had hemorrhoids, so he operated.
They placed the owl back out on the ledge.
The owl woke up very groggy and flew away.
The next winter that same owl was perched on the same tree on a very cold night.
A young owl landed next to him and said brrrr it sure is cold out tonight.
The old owl agreed.
The young owl noticed there was a light down in the valley and suggested they both fly down there to the window ledge and maybe find some escaping heat.
The old owl replied “no way”, last year I did the same thing, passed out, woke up drunk and for the next six weeks I couldn’t sh!t worth a hoot or hoot worth a sh!t.
Joe was sitting at a bar
A alabama sheriff went fishing
18.
A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.
Girl: “My father isn’t home, but I know what you want and I can help you.
You want our bull to service your cow.
Well, my father charges one hundred dollars for his best bull.”
Neighbor: “That’s not I want.”
Girl: “We have a young bull who is just starting out.
My father charges fifty dollars for him.”
Neighbor: “That’s not I want.”
Girl: “We have an old bull out in the pasture.
He can still do a job.
My father charges only ten dollars for him.”
Neighbor: “That’s not what I want.
I came here to see your father about your brother.
Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant.”
Girl: “Oh. You’ll have to see my father about that because I don’t know what he charges for Elmer.”
The doctor and his wife were playing golf
Sophie and Shirley two elderly widows
A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.
Girl: “My father isn’t home, but I know what you want and I can help you.
You want our bull to service your cow.
Well, my father charges one hundred dollars for his best bull.”
Neighbor: “That’s not I want.”
Girl: “We have a young bull who is just starting out.
My father charges fifty dollars for him.”
Neighbor: “That’s not I want.”
Girl: “We have an old bull out in the pasture.
He can still do a job.
My father charges only ten dollars for him.”
Neighbor: “That’s not what I want.
I came here to see your father about your brother.
Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant.”
Girl: “Oh. You’ll have to see my father about that because I don’t know what he charges for Elmer.”
The doctor and his wife were playing golf
Sophie and Shirley two elderly widows
19.
An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband.
“I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”
He replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
A woman decides to prove her intelligence
After the wedding he lays down the law
An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband.
“I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”
He replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
A woman decides to prove her intelligence
After the wedding he lays down the law
20.
A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink.
The polish guy calls the bartender over and says, “whatever she is is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me.”
The bartender replies “I don’t think you want to do that.”
“What do you mean?” yells the polish guy, “Send her the drink!”
“OK.” the bartender replies, “but I don’t think it is a good idea.”
“And why not?” asks the polish guy.
The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says “because she’s a queer.”
“I don’t care, send her the drink.” says the polish guy.
So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, “so what part of queer are you from?”
Joey was asked by his mother
Mommy has told her little girl
A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink.
The polish guy calls the bartender over and says, “whatever she is is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me.”
The bartender replies “I don’t think you want to do that.”
“What do you mean?” yells the polish guy, “Send her the drink!”
“OK.” the bartender replies, “but I don’t think it is a good idea.”
“And why not?” asks the polish guy.
The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says “because she’s a queer.”
“I don’t care, send her the drink.” says the polish guy.
So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, “so what part of queer are you from?”
Joey was asked by his mother
Mommy has told her little girl
21.
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens.”
One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road.
The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.
The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too we had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks.”
The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched .
“Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.”
“Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.
“Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself.”
Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?”
The child said: “Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”
He goes to his doctor for a complete checkup
A funeral service is held for a woman
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens.”
One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road.
The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.
The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too we had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks.”
The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched .
“Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.”
“Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.
“Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself.”
Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?”
The child said: “Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”
He goes to his doctor for a complete checkup
A funeral service is held for a woman
22.
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City,…
Where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch…
You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor,..
But you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband…
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men have jobs and love the Lord.
She then goes to the second floor,…
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
She thinks for a while, and then goes to the third floor,…
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop dead good looking and help with the housework.
“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay,…
But she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor no. 43,630,912 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
Share this to all men for a good laugh,… and to all the women who can handle the truth!
A king was fed up by the constant jokes about the men in his kingdom
This lady that was wearing a tight skirt
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City,…
Where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch…
You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor,..
But you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband…
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men have jobs and love the Lord.
She then goes to the second floor,…
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
She thinks for a while, and then goes to the third floor,…
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop dead good looking and help with the housework.
“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay,…
But she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor no. 43,630,912 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
Share this to all men for a good laugh,… and to all the women who can handle the truth!
A king was fed up by the constant jokes about the men in his kingdom
This lady that was wearing a tight skirt
23.
A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds,
vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.
He walks up to the man and asks: “What’s with the pony?”
“For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it” the man replies.
“That’s cool” the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony.
He extends his hand and says “Shake!” The pony promptly performs the trick.
The man produces another dollar.
“Play dead!” The pony collapses to the ground, then gets up after a little while.
“How about a tougher one?” the man says and puts another dollar in the jar.
“What’s eleven minus five?” The pony stomps with a hoove six times.
“This is incredible” he exclaims.
The guy continues to add dollar after dollar to the jar while the pony performs every trick or task without a fault.
After a while the guy runs out of single dollar bills and turns to the man and says:
“Sir, that is one incredible animal you have there, is there anything it can’t do?”
“He can’t sing” the man replies.
The guy considers this for a bit. “Why can’t he sing” the guy asks.
The man looks him in the eye. “He’s a little horse
A lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot
A man whose wife was pregnant
A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds,
vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.
He walks up to the man and asks: “What’s with the pony?”
“For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it” the man replies.
“That’s cool” the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony.
He extends his hand and says “Shake!” The pony promptly performs the trick.
The man produces another dollar.
“Play dead!” The pony collapses to the ground, then gets up after a little while.
“How about a tougher one?” the man says and puts another dollar in the jar.
“What’s eleven minus five?” The pony stomps with a hoove six times.
“This is incredible” he exclaims.
The guy continues to add dollar after dollar to the jar while the pony performs every trick or task without a fault.
After a while the guy runs out of single dollar bills and turns to the man and says:
“Sir, that is one incredible animal you have there, is there anything it can’t do?”
“He can’t sing” the man replies.
The guy considers this for a bit. “Why can’t he sing” the guy asks.
The man looks him in the eye. “He’s a little horse
A lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot
A man whose wife was pregnant
24.
One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.
He stood up in front of the class and said, “Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?”
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
“Well, good morning. So, you actually think you’re a moron?” the professor asked.
The kid replied, “No sir, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself.”
A guy walked into a doctor office
A man walks into a hamburger shop
One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.
He stood up in front of the class and said, “Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?”
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
“Well, good morning. So, you actually think you’re a moron?” the professor asked.
The kid replied, “No sir, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself.”
A guy walked into a doctor office
A man walks into a hamburger shop
25.
“I’m not going to cite you,” said the officer.
“I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous.”
“I thank thee,” said the Amish lady, “I shall have my husband repair it as soon as we return home.”
“Also,” said the officer, “I noticed that one of the reins to your horse is tied around your horse’s some might consider this to be ‘cruelty to animals’ so you’d best have your husband check this, too.”
“Again I thank thee,” said the Amish lady, “I shall have my husband check this also when I return home.”
True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector and her husband said that he would repair it immediately.
“Also,” said the Amish lady, “the policeman said that there was something wrong with our emergency brake.”
The astonished woman
A young woman visiting her new doctor
“I’m not going to cite you,” said the officer.
“I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous.”
“I thank thee,” said the Amish lady, “I shall have my husband repair it as soon as we return home.”
“Also,” said the officer, “I noticed that one of the reins to your horse is tied around your horse’s some might consider this to be ‘cruelty to animals’ so you’d best have your husband check this, too.”
“Again I thank thee,” said the Amish lady, “I shall have my husband check this also when I return home.”
True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector and her husband said that he would repair it immediately.
“Also,” said the Amish lady, “the policeman said that there was something wrong with our emergency brake.”
The astonished woman
A young woman visiting her new doctor
26.
A little boy boards a public bus and sits down right behind the driver.
He begins to speak: “If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I’d be a little calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I’d be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I’d be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I’d be a little duckling.”
After listening to the boy rambling on and on in the same manner for a while, the bus driver begins to get annoyed.
He turns around and says to the boy: “What if your mom was a drunk and your dad was a bum?”
In an instant, the boy responds: “I’d be a bus driver.”
The bus driver probably should have seen it coming!
Two men are organizing a herd of deer
Karen lost her husband almost four years
A little boy boards a public bus and sits down right behind the driver.
He begins to speak: “If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I’d be a little calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I’d be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I’d be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I’d be a little duckling.”
After listening to the boy rambling on and on in the same manner for a while, the bus driver begins to get annoyed.
He turns around and says to the boy: “What if your mom was a drunk and your dad was a bum?”
In an instant, the boy responds: “I’d be a bus driver.”
The bus driver probably should have seen it coming!
Two men are organizing a herd of deer
Karen lost her husband almost four years
27.
A few months after his parents were divorced,
little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, ”
I need a man, I need a man!”
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning.
When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning.
“Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike.
Dead Donkey
A blonde walked into a department store
A few months after his parents were divorced,
little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, ”
I need a man, I need a man!”
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning.
When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning.
“Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike.
Dead Donkey
A blonde walked into a department store
28.
The doctor tells his patient: “Well I have good news and bad news…”
The patient says, “Lay it on me Doc. What’s the bad news?”
“You have Alzheimer’s disease.”
“Good heavens! What’s the good news?”
“You can go home and forget about it!”
A couple were making their first doctor visit
A man was pulled over for speeding down
The doctor tells his patient: “Well I have good news and bad news…”
The patient says, “Lay it on me Doc. What’s the bad news?”
“You have Alzheimer’s disease.”
“Good heavens! What’s the good news?”
“You can go home and forget about it!”
A couple were making their first doctor visit
A man was pulled over for speeding down
29.
At lunch the first boy says, “My dad is the fastest because he is a brick layer & when he drops a brick from the 5th floor he can run to the ground level & be there before the brick hits!”
“Not bad,” says the 2nd boy, “But my dad is faster.”
“He is a professional archer.
When he shoots an arrow at the bulls-eye he can reach it before the arrow does!”
“That’s pretty fast,” says the 3rd boy, “But not as fast as my old man.”
“My dad works for the Government as a public servant, & when he finishes work at 5pm, he can get home by 2:30pm!”
A policeman was testing three Dumb brothers
A man & son going with their donkey to market
At lunch the first boy says, “My dad is the fastest because he is a brick layer & when he drops a brick from the 5th floor he can run to the ground level & be there before the brick hits!”
“Not bad,” says the 2nd boy, “But my dad is faster.”
“He is a professional archer.
When he shoots an arrow at the bulls-eye he can reach it before the arrow does!”
“That’s pretty fast,” says the 3rd boy, “But not as fast as my old man.”
“My dad works for the Government as a public servant, & when he finishes work at 5pm, he can get home by 2:30pm!”
A policeman was testing three Dumb brothers
A man & son going with their donkey to market
30.
Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well.
Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.
Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.
Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the manager?!?
Doctor: Sure, we’ll do things your way. No need to raise your temper. Why don’t we try an astrology based approach?
Karen: At last a sensible approach.
Doctor: So, what’s your star sign?
Karen: it’s cancer.
Doctor: Well what a bang coincidence.
A old lady went to visit her dentist
A man sees his wife packing a suitcase
Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well.
Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.
Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.
Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the manager?!?
Doctor: Sure, we’ll do things your way. No need to raise your temper. Why don’t we try an astrology based approach?
Karen: At last a sensible approach.
Doctor: So, what’s your star sign?
Karen: it’s cancer.
Doctor: Well what a bang coincidence.
A old lady went to visit her dentist
A man sees his wife packing a suitcase
Tags:
Eng Jokes