1.
A doctor entered the hospital in hurry after being called in for an urgent surgery.
He answered the call as soon as possible, changed his clothes and went directly to the surgery block.
He found the boy’s father pacing in the hall waiting for the doctor.
On seeing him, the dad yelled:
“Why did you take all this time to come?
Don’t you know that my son’s life is in danger? Don’t you have any sense of responsibility?”
The doctor smiled and said:
“I am sorry, I wasn’t in the hospital and I came as fast as I could after receiving the call……
And now, I wish you’d calm down so that I can do my work”
“Calm down?! What if your son was in this room right now, would you calm down?
If your own son dies now what will you do?” said the father angrily
The doctor smiled again and replied:
“I will say what Job said in the Holy Book
From dust we came and to dust we return, blessed be the name of God.
Doctors cannot prolong lives
Go and intercede for your son, we will do our best by God’s grace”
“Giving advises when we’re not concerned is so easy” murmured the father.
The surgery took some hours after which the doctor went out happy.
“Thank goodness!, your son is saved!”
And without waiting for the father’s reply he carried on his way running.
“If you have any questions, ask the nurse!”
“Why is he so arrogant? He couldn’t wait some minutes so that I ask about my son’s state”
Commented the father when seeing the nurse a minute after the doctor left.
The nurse answered, tears coming down her face:
“His son died yesterday in a road accident, he was in the burial when we called him for your son’s surgery.
And now that he saved your son’s life, he left running to finish his son’s burial.”
Never judge anyone because you never know how their life is and what they’re going through.
She need better laundry detergent
The local bar was so sure
A doctor entered the hospital in hurry after being called in for an urgent surgery.
He answered the call as soon as possible, changed his clothes and went directly to the surgery block.
He found the boy’s father pacing in the hall waiting for the doctor.
On seeing him, the dad yelled:
“Why did you take all this time to come?
Don’t you know that my son’s life is in danger? Don’t you have any sense of responsibility?”
The doctor smiled and said:
“I am sorry, I wasn’t in the hospital and I came as fast as I could after receiving the call……
And now, I wish you’d calm down so that I can do my work”
“Calm down?! What if your son was in this room right now, would you calm down?
If your own son dies now what will you do?” said the father angrily
The doctor smiled again and replied:
“I will say what Job said in the Holy Book
From dust we came and to dust we return, blessed be the name of God.
Doctors cannot prolong lives
Go and intercede for your son, we will do our best by God’s grace”
“Giving advises when we’re not concerned is so easy” murmured the father.
The surgery took some hours after which the doctor went out happy.
“Thank goodness!, your son is saved!”
And without waiting for the father’s reply he carried on his way running.
“If you have any questions, ask the nurse!”
“Why is he so arrogant? He couldn’t wait some minutes so that I ask about my son’s state”
Commented the father when seeing the nurse a minute after the doctor left.
The nurse answered, tears coming down her face:
“His son died yesterday in a road accident, he was in the burial when we called him for your son’s surgery.
And now that he saved your son’s life, he left running to finish his son’s burial.”
Never judge anyone because you never know how their life is and what they’re going through.
She need better laundry detergent
The local bar was so sure
2.
A couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride.
He said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers.” she said.
“That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell,” he said. ”I can’t get into your panties!”
She replied, “That’s right…and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”
She goes in and asks the sales clerk
Three guys die and go to heaven
A couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride.
He said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers.” she said.
“That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell,” he said. ”I can’t get into your panties!”
She replied, “That’s right…and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”
She goes in and asks the sales clerk
Three guys die and go to heaven
3.
Two hunters are in the woods in deer season.
The morning hunt over, they head back to camp together.
As they make their way along the path, they hear a loud crashing noise and look up to see a very large bear charging down a hillside.
Realizing simultaneously, that they are the bear’s intended targets, not to mention lunch, one of the hunters immediately takes off his back pack, drops to the ground and begins to change from his hunting boots to tennis shoes.
The other hunter bewildered asks “You don’t really think you can out run that bear do you?”
The first hunter replies, “No, but I can outrun you.”
Sarah parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend
A businessman is driving down
Two hunters are in the woods in deer season.
The morning hunt over, they head back to camp together.
As they make their way along the path, they hear a loud crashing noise and look up to see a very large bear charging down a hillside.
Realizing simultaneously, that they are the bear’s intended targets, not to mention lunch, one of the hunters immediately takes off his back pack, drops to the ground and begins to change from his hunting boots to tennis shoes.
The other hunter bewildered asks “You don’t really think you can out run that bear do you?”
The first hunter replies, “No, but I can outrun you.”
Sarah parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend
A businessman is driving down
4.
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
“Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary,
“I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled jeeringly and said,
“John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
You know he’s only been there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
Brian proposed to Jill
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
“Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary,
“I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled jeeringly and said,
“John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
You know he’s only been there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
Brian proposed to Jill
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home
5.
It was Christmas Eve, and a woman returned home to her husband after a long day of shopping.
That night, as she got ready for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
Curious, he asked, “What’s that?”
She replied, “I went to the tattoo parlor today. I got ‘Merry Christmas’ tattooed on the inside of one leg and ‘Happy New Year’ on the other.”
Confused, he asked, “Why would you do that?”
With a cheeky grin, she answered, “Now you can’t say there’s nothing to eat between Christmas and New Year’s!”
A woman went to police station
They approach the clerk
It was Christmas Eve, and a woman returned home to her husband after a long day of shopping.
That night, as she got ready for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
Curious, he asked, “What’s that?”
She replied, “I went to the tattoo parlor today. I got ‘Merry Christmas’ tattooed on the inside of one leg and ‘Happy New Year’ on the other.”
Confused, he asked, “Why would you do that?”
With a cheeky grin, she answered, “Now you can’t say there’s nothing to eat between Christmas and New Year’s!”
A woman went to police station
They approach the clerk
6.
Two men died and went to Heaven.
St. Peter greeted them, and said “I’m sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren’t ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.”
“Great!” said the first guy, “I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!”
“No problem,” replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. “And what do you want to be,” St. Peter asked the other guy.
“I’d like to be one cool stud!” was the reply.
“Easy,” replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. “You’ll find them easily,” he says, “One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!”
A drunk comes stumbling into a bar
A local bar was so sure that its barman
Two men died and went to Heaven.
St. Peter greeted them, and said “I’m sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren’t ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.”
“Great!” said the first guy, “I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!”
“No problem,” replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. “And what do you want to be,” St. Peter asked the other guy.
“I’d like to be one cool stud!” was the reply.
“Easy,” replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. “You’ll find them easily,” he says, “One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!”
A drunk comes stumbling into a bar
A local bar was so sure that its barman
7.
A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her T-shirt open.
A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, “Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman’s right fronts is hanging out.”
As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her front is hanging out.
When he gets face to face with her he says, “Ma’am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?”
She says, “Why, officer?” “Well, your fronts is hanging out.”
She looks down and says “OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!”
A young female teacher wearing
One late Saturday night a young guy
A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her T-shirt open.
A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, “Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman’s right fronts is hanging out.”
As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her front is hanging out.
When he gets face to face with her he says, “Ma’am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?”
She says, “Why, officer?” “Well, your fronts is hanging out.”
She looks down and says “OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!”
A young female teacher wearing
One late Saturday night a young guy
8.
A couple from out-of-town stays at the Watergate Hotel in Washington.
The wife is concerned with the privacy there.
To soothe her mind, the husband says he will search the room for a bug.
He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug.
Under the rug he finds a disc with four mating.
He gets his Swiss Army knife, mating the bang, and throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the couple how their stay was.
The husband immediately becomes suspicious and wants to know why he’s being questioned.
The hotel manager replies, “Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!”
A Irishman was terribly overweight
A farmer is tending to his flock sheep
A couple from out-of-town stays at the Watergate Hotel in Washington.
The wife is concerned with the privacy there.
To soothe her mind, the husband says he will search the room for a bug.
He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug.
Under the rug he finds a disc with four mating.
He gets his Swiss Army knife, mating the bang, and throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the couple how their stay was.
The husband immediately becomes suspicious and wants to know why he’s being questioned.
The hotel manager replies, “Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!”
A Irishman was terribly overweight
A farmer is tending to his flock sheep
9.
Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks.
After a while, the first man approaches the other man, and sits next to him.
“This place is great, isn’t it?” he asks.
The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger’s remark, replies, “Why do you say that?”
The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, “Follow me.”
The two of them walk over to a large window at the end of the room.
The window faces out onto the street, 12 floors below.
“Here’s why.” The first man throws open the window, and boldly steps out into thin air. But he remains aloft!
“The air currents are great here!” he exclaims. “It’s very relaxing.”
He floats back into the room.
As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it.
The second man, skeptical, peers out through the window down to the pavement twelve stories below.
He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up.
Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swallows, closes his eyes, and steps out into thin air.
He promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below.
The first man grins and returns to the bar.
Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits.
“You know,” he says, disgusted.
“You’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
A businessman is driving down
A Help desk guy speaking to an old lady
Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks.
After a while, the first man approaches the other man, and sits next to him.
“This place is great, isn’t it?” he asks.
The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger’s remark, replies, “Why do you say that?”
The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, “Follow me.”
The two of them walk over to a large window at the end of the room.
The window faces out onto the street, 12 floors below.
“Here’s why.” The first man throws open the window, and boldly steps out into thin air. But he remains aloft!
“The air currents are great here!” he exclaims. “It’s very relaxing.”
He floats back into the room.
As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it.
The second man, skeptical, peers out through the window down to the pavement twelve stories below.
He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up.
Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swallows, closes his eyes, and steps out into thin air.
He promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below.
The first man grins and returns to the bar.
Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits.
“You know,” he says, disgusted.
“You’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
A businessman is driving down
A Help desk guy speaking to an old lady
10.
Two hunters get up early one morning to go hunting.
They live way out in the country, so all they have to do is walk from the first hunter’s house across a field and into the woods to hunt.
But today the hunting’s terrible, the worst they’ve ever had, so they decide to quit early.
They emerge from the woods and start walking across the field to the first hunter’s house.
The second hunter, playing with his scope, aims his rifle at the first hunter’s bedroom window and suddenly stops.
“Hey, did you know your wife’s cheating’ on you with that guy who lives across the road from you?”
“WHAT?! I have HAD it with that woman and her cheating! I want you to shoot her in the head, and you shoot him right in his manhood!”
“Well, hell, I can hit that with one shot!”
Two guys were discussing life
A blonde and a brunette were discussing
Two hunters get up early one morning to go hunting.
They live way out in the country, so all they have to do is walk from the first hunter’s house across a field and into the woods to hunt.
But today the hunting’s terrible, the worst they’ve ever had, so they decide to quit early.
They emerge from the woods and start walking across the field to the first hunter’s house.
The second hunter, playing with his scope, aims his rifle at the first hunter’s bedroom window and suddenly stops.
“Hey, did you know your wife’s cheating’ on you with that guy who lives across the road from you?”
“WHAT?! I have HAD it with that woman and her cheating! I want you to shoot her in the head, and you shoot him right in his manhood!”
“Well, hell, I can hit that with one shot!”
Two guys were discussing life
A blonde and a brunette were discussing
11.
Two women were playing a round of golf.
One of them teed off and watched in shock as her ball flew straight toward a group of men playing on the next h*le.
The ball struck one of the men, who instantly grabbed his groin, collapsed to the ground, and writhed in pain.
The woman hurried over, deeply apologetic.
“Please let me help you. I’m a physiotherapist, and I know I can alleviate your pain if you let me.”
“Oh no, I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man managed to say, though he was clearly in agony, curled up in the fetal position and clutching his groin.
After some insistence from her, he finally agreed to let her help.
She gently moved his hands aside, loosened his pants, and placed her hands inside.
She skillfully massaged the area for a few moments and then asked, “How does that feel?”
“Feels amazing,” he replied, “but I’m pretty sure my thumb is still broken!”
A man is stranded on a desert island
A plumber was called to a woman apartment
Two women were playing a round of golf.
One of them teed off and watched in shock as her ball flew straight toward a group of men playing on the next h*le.
The ball struck one of the men, who instantly grabbed his groin, collapsed to the ground, and writhed in pain.
The woman hurried over, deeply apologetic.
“Please let me help you. I’m a physiotherapist, and I know I can alleviate your pain if you let me.”
“Oh no, I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man managed to say, though he was clearly in agony, curled up in the fetal position and clutching his groin.
After some insistence from her, he finally agreed to let her help.
She gently moved his hands aside, loosened his pants, and placed her hands inside.
She skillfully massaged the area for a few moments and then asked, “How does that feel?”
“Feels amazing,” he replied, “but I’m pretty sure my thumb is still broken!”
A man is stranded on a desert island
A plumber was called to a woman apartment
12.
Little Johnny was wondering one day and decided to ask his dad.
“Dad, how come big dogs can make little dogs and big cats can make little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Little Johnny’s father replied, “Well Johnny, this sounds like a great quey for your mother.”
So off Johnny went to go ask his mother…
“Mom, why do big dogs make little dogs and big cats make a little cat but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Little Johnny’s mom thought about it and said: “Well, Johnny, this sounds like a good question to ask Mr Jones down at the railroad yard.”
So off Johnny went to go ask Mr Jones.
“Mr Jones, why do big dogs make little dogs and big cats make little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Mr Jones looked at Johnny seriously and said, “Well Johnny, that because Union pacific always pulls out on time!”
An elderly patient in a mental hospital
A little Johnny reading the story
Little Johnny was wondering one day and decided to ask his dad.
“Dad, how come big dogs can make little dogs and big cats can make little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Little Johnny’s father replied, “Well Johnny, this sounds like a great quey for your mother.”
So off Johnny went to go ask his mother…
“Mom, why do big dogs make little dogs and big cats make a little cat but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Little Johnny’s mom thought about it and said: “Well, Johnny, this sounds like a good question to ask Mr Jones down at the railroad yard.”
So off Johnny went to go ask Mr Jones.
“Mr Jones, why do big dogs make little dogs and big cats make little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Mr Jones looked at Johnny seriously and said, “Well Johnny, that because Union pacific always pulls out on time!”
An elderly patient in a mental hospital
A little Johnny reading the story
13.
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”
“My mother died in August,” his friend replied, “and left me $25,000. Then in September my father died, leaving me $90,000.”
“Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”
“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.” His friend continued.
“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”
“Then this month,” concluded, the friend, “absolutely nothing!”
A man goes to a bar with his dog
The groom approaches the pastor
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”
“My mother died in August,” his friend replied, “and left me $25,000. Then in September my father died, leaving me $90,000.”
“Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”
“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.” His friend continued.
“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”
“Then this month,” concluded, the friend, “absolutely nothing!”
A man goes to a bar with his dog
The groom approaches the pastor
14.
An American traveling to Japan for business found himself with two extra days after business concluded earlier than expected.
Being single and away from home for so long, he sought after female company which he found at a geisha house.
After selecting his partner, they proceeded to the room and undressed.
As soon as the love session began, his female partner started softly whispering “Yakamoda”, Yakamoda”.
Not knowing any of the language, he believed this was good and that she was enjoying the session as much as he was.
He proceeded to move faster now and the woman said with a firmer tone “Yakamoda”, “Yakamoda”, “Yakamoda”.
He was beside himself now spurred by the enthusiasm of his female partner and proceeded to imitate a rabbit he had seen on the discovery channel.
She now screamed deep from her lungs “YAKAMODA”, “YAKAMODA”, “YAKAMODA”!
As he finished, he found that she had fainted so he collected his things and left.
The next day he found himself playing golf with one of his Japanese clients.
It was a par 3, approximately 173 yards when his Japanese playing partner struck the ball which took flight, landed on the green and then rolled gently into the hole.
Struck with excitement and at a loss for words, the American stated “Yakamoda” sir.
The Japanese gentleman looked at him strangely and stated “what do you mean wrong hole?”
A little girl who really loved dolls
A bear walks into a bar
An American traveling to Japan for business found himself with two extra days after business concluded earlier than expected.
Being single and away from home for so long, he sought after female company which he found at a geisha house.
After selecting his partner, they proceeded to the room and undressed.
As soon as the love session began, his female partner started softly whispering “Yakamoda”, Yakamoda”.
Not knowing any of the language, he believed this was good and that she was enjoying the session as much as he was.
He proceeded to move faster now and the woman said with a firmer tone “Yakamoda”, “Yakamoda”, “Yakamoda”.
He was beside himself now spurred by the enthusiasm of his female partner and proceeded to imitate a rabbit he had seen on the discovery channel.
She now screamed deep from her lungs “YAKAMODA”, “YAKAMODA”, “YAKAMODA”!
As he finished, he found that she had fainted so he collected his things and left.
The next day he found himself playing golf with one of his Japanese clients.
It was a par 3, approximately 173 yards when his Japanese playing partner struck the ball which took flight, landed on the green and then rolled gently into the hole.
Struck with excitement and at a loss for words, the American stated “Yakamoda” sir.
The Japanese gentleman looked at him strangely and stated “what do you mean wrong hole?”
A little girl who really loved dolls
A bear walks into a bar
15.
A reverend awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard.
He had no idea how it got there, but he knew he had to get rid of it.
He called the sanitation department, the health department and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him.
In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked what should be done.
The mayor asked, “Why bother me? “You’re a clergyman. It’s your job to bury the dead.”
Jack Falls Apart
A few months after his parents were divorced
A reverend awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard.
He had no idea how it got there, but he knew he had to get rid of it.
He called the sanitation department, the health department and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him.
In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked what should be done.
The mayor asked, “Why bother me? “You’re a clergyman. It’s your job to bury the dead.”
Jack Falls Apart
A few months after his parents were divorced
16.
Little Harry walks in the bathroom and sees his mum with no clothes on, standing in front of him, he looks up at her private parts he asks “What’s that mum?”
His mum frozen tried to think what to say, finally she came up with the following, “That’s where your dad accidentally hit me with an love!” and little Harry replies,
“Good shot, right in the cunt!”
A older couple wake up in the morning
A family is at the dinner table
Little Harry walks in the bathroom and sees his mum with no clothes on, standing in front of him, he looks up at her private parts he asks “What’s that mum?”
His mum frozen tried to think what to say, finally she came up with the following, “That’s where your dad accidentally hit me with an love!” and little Harry replies,
“Good shot, right in the cunt!”
A older couple wake up in the morning
A family is at the dinner table
17.
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”
The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.
So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”
No”, she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”
A man offers a girl in his office
A woman sat down on a park bench
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”
The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.
So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”
No”, she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”
A man offers a girl in his office
A woman sat down on a park bench
18.
A blonde was rollerblading with her headphones on.
She stopped at a hair salon and asked for a haircut.
She instructed that the hair stylist could not take off her headphones.
The stylist replied refusing to cut her hair, so she left.
She went to a different hair salon and said the same thing.
This time, the stylist agreed to cut her hair.
After a while, the blonde fell asleep in the chair.
The stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot.
Confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones.
They were saying: “breath in, breath out.”
A beautiful young model boarded a plane
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation
A blonde was rollerblading with her headphones on.
She stopped at a hair salon and asked for a haircut.
She instructed that the hair stylist could not take off her headphones.
The stylist replied refusing to cut her hair, so she left.
She went to a different hair salon and said the same thing.
This time, the stylist agreed to cut her hair.
After a while, the blonde fell asleep in the chair.
The stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot.
Confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones.
They were saying: “breath in, breath out.”
A beautiful young model boarded a plane
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation
19.
An Elderly Cowboy Slim Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.
He said, “When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral.”
Cowboy Slick said, “You mean the parking lot?”
Slick was a bit more worldly than Slim.
Slim said, “Then, I walked up the trail to the door.”
Slick said, “You mean, the sidewalk to the door.”
Slim said, “Well, I guess. Once I was inside the door, I was met by this city-slicker dude.”
Slick growing frustrated said, “Slim, that would be the usher.”
Slim nodded and said, “Okay, well, the usher led me down the chute.”
Slick snarled and said, “You mean the aisle!”
Slim continued and said, “Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there.”
Slick only responded with a one-word correction, “Pew!”
Slim said, “Yeah, that’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”
A elderly couple was driving
A husband went to the police station
An Elderly Cowboy Slim Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.
He said, “When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral.”
Cowboy Slick said, “You mean the parking lot?”
Slick was a bit more worldly than Slim.
Slim said, “Then, I walked up the trail to the door.”
Slick said, “You mean, the sidewalk to the door.”
Slim said, “Well, I guess. Once I was inside the door, I was met by this city-slicker dude.”
Slick growing frustrated said, “Slim, that would be the usher.”
Slim nodded and said, “Okay, well, the usher led me down the chute.”
Slick snarled and said, “You mean the aisle!”
Slim continued and said, “Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there.”
Slick only responded with a one-word correction, “Pew!”
Slim said, “Yeah, that’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”
A elderly couple was driving
A husband went to the police station
20.
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.
One 75-year-old man says: “I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to pee.”
An 80-year-old man says: “My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.”
The 90-year-old man says: “Not me. At 7 a.m. I pee like a horse and at 8 a.m. I crap like a cow.”
“So what’s your problem?” asked the others.
“I don’t wake up until 9:00.”
A woman takes her daughter to doctor
A pastor told the congregation
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.
One 75-year-old man says: “I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to pee.”
An 80-year-old man says: “My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.”
The 90-year-old man says: “Not me. At 7 a.m. I pee like a horse and at 8 a.m. I crap like a cow.”
“So what’s your problem?” asked the others.
“I don’t wake up until 9:00.”
A woman takes her daughter to doctor
A pastor told the congregation
21.
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
“Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled.
“I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
He replied, “Well, you see my wife and I have married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge.”
“Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”
A wife went to the police station
A man wakes up in a catholic hospital
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
“Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled.
“I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
He replied, “Well, you see my wife and I have married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge.”
“Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”
A wife went to the police station
A man wakes up in a catholic hospital
22.
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist,
“May I have a bottle of arsenic, please?” She is shocked.
“Why would you want something like that?”
The man calmly tells her, I want to poison my unfaithful wife and her lover.
The pharmacist is now horrified.
She said, “I can not possibly give you that.
It is completely illegal and I would lose my license and be prosecuted for conspiracy and murder!”
At this point the man hands the pharmacist a photo of his unfaithful wife having bed time with the pharmacist’s husband.
She examines it then looks up at him.
“Oh. I didn’t know you had a prescription.”
Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather
A guy meet his friends for drink
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist,
“May I have a bottle of arsenic, please?” She is shocked.
“Why would you want something like that?”
The man calmly tells her, I want to poison my unfaithful wife and her lover.
The pharmacist is now horrified.
She said, “I can not possibly give you that.
It is completely illegal and I would lose my license and be prosecuted for conspiracy and murder!”
At this point the man hands the pharmacist a photo of his unfaithful wife having bed time with the pharmacist’s husband.
She examines it then looks up at him.
“Oh. I didn’t know you had a prescription.”
Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather
A guy meet his friends for drink
23.
A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the Village that they offered a standing £1000 bet.
The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop.
Weightlifters, arm wrestlers, they all tried and lost the bet.
Then one day, a scrawny wee man, if he stood sideways you would not see him wearing scratched glasses, a ten-year-old polyester suit, walked in and said, “I’d like to take on the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the barman said, “Okay,” grabbed the lemon and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the lemon rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the wee man clenched his little fist around the lemon and squeezed it, and a drop fell into the glass.
Then he squeezed some more, and another drop fell from the lemon.
Without a word, the wee man squeezed some more, and a third drop fell into the glass.
The crowd in the bar were astonished and speechless.
As the barman paid the £1000 bet, he asked, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker, a weight-lifter, or what?”
The little man quietly replied: “I’m a tax collector.”
Two men died and went to Heaven
A elderly man goes into confession
A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the Village that they offered a standing £1000 bet.
The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop.
Weightlifters, arm wrestlers, they all tried and lost the bet.
Then one day, a scrawny wee man, if he stood sideways you would not see him wearing scratched glasses, a ten-year-old polyester suit, walked in and said, “I’d like to take on the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the barman said, “Okay,” grabbed the lemon and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the lemon rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the wee man clenched his little fist around the lemon and squeezed it, and a drop fell into the glass.
Then he squeezed some more, and another drop fell from the lemon.
Without a word, the wee man squeezed some more, and a third drop fell into the glass.
The crowd in the bar were astonished and speechless.
As the barman paid the £1000 bet, he asked, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker, a weight-lifter, or what?”
The little man quietly replied: “I’m a tax collector.”
Two men died and went to Heaven
A elderly man goes into confession
24.
A Blonde bought a brand new Car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend.
She reached there in a few hours.
After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening.
But she didn’t reach home in the evening and not the next day either.
When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her “What Happened?”
She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said,
“Oh these car designers, those people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!”
Two old men are sat on a bench
A couple on their first night
A Blonde bought a brand new Car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend.
She reached there in a few hours.
After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening.
But she didn’t reach home in the evening and not the next day either.
When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her “What Happened?”
She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said,
“Oh these car designers, those people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!”
Two old men are sat on a bench
A couple on their first night
25.
A minister gave a talk to the community center on mating.
When he got home, he couldn’t tell his wife that he had spoken on mating,
So he said he had discussed “Horseback Riding” with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center,…
and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said:,
“Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter,… as he’s only tried it twice.
The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off.”
Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching
George was planning on going out
A minister gave a talk to the community center on mating.
When he got home, he couldn’t tell his wife that he had spoken on mating,
So he said he had discussed “Horseback Riding” with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center,…
and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said:,
“Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter,… as he’s only tried it twice.
The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off.”
Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching
George was planning on going out
26.
Three old men were sitting on a bench when a reporter approached them.
“I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell me your secret to long life,” the reporter asked.
The three old men agreed and the reporter asked the first old man his secret to long life.
“I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years.”
“That’s really remarkable!” said the reporter, “And how old are you?”
“I’m 93,” said the first old man.
The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life.
“I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some.”
“And how old are you?” asked the reporter.
“I’m 91,” said the second old man.
Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life.
“I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day.”
“Wow!” said the reporter, “And how old are you?”
“29,” replied the third man.
Lying in the hospital bed a dying man
Paddy and Murphy meet at the supermarket
Three old men were sitting on a bench when a reporter approached them.
“I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell me your secret to long life,” the reporter asked.
The three old men agreed and the reporter asked the first old man his secret to long life.
“I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years.”
“That’s really remarkable!” said the reporter, “And how old are you?”
“I’m 93,” said the first old man.
The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life.
“I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some.”
“And how old are you?” asked the reporter.
“I’m 91,” said the second old man.
Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life.
“I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day.”
“Wow!” said the reporter, “And how old are you?”
“29,” replied the third man.
Lying in the hospital bed a dying man
Paddy and Murphy meet at the supermarket
27.
A kid walks into a class with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks the teacher asks, “Where have you been?”
The boy says, “On top of blueberry hill.”
Then another boy walks in with no shirt and no socks and the teacher says, “Where have you been?”
The boy says, “On top of blueberry hill.”
Then a girl walks in and the teacher asks, “Where have you been?
Oh, let me guess on top of blueberry hill.”
And the girl says, “No, I am blueberry hill.”
Charlie was visiting an old friend
A man and a woman meet
A kid walks into a class with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks the teacher asks, “Where have you been?”
The boy says, “On top of blueberry hill.”
Then another boy walks in with no shirt and no socks and the teacher says, “Where have you been?”
The boy says, “On top of blueberry hill.”
Then a girl walks in and the teacher asks, “Where have you been?
Oh, let me guess on top of blueberry hill.”
And the girl says, “No, I am blueberry hill.”
Charlie was visiting an old friend
A man and a woman meet
28.
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem:
The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.
Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
Look, it’s not the same hat.
Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk.
The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After a week the parrot finally said:
OK. I give up. What’d you do with the boat?
Three women are talking about
There was an old lady who was very small
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem:
The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.
Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
Look, it’s not the same hat.
Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk.
The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After a week the parrot finally said:
OK. I give up. What’d you do with the boat?
Three women are talking about
There was an old lady who was very small
29.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Matty had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said, “No.”
I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I didn’t have any clothes with me.”
I asked again: “Matty, are you sure you did not have an accident?”
“No,” he replied. I just knew that he must have because the smell was getting worse.
Sooooo… I asked one more time: “Matty, did you have an accident?”
Stopped by an old gentleman Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, “SEE, MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!!”
While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened.
Johnny went to confession
A doctor drives by a small town
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Matty had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said, “No.”
I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I didn’t have any clothes with me.”
I asked again: “Matty, are you sure you did not have an accident?”
“No,” he replied. I just knew that he must have because the smell was getting worse.
Sooooo… I asked one more time: “Matty, did you have an accident?”
Stopped by an old gentleman Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, “SEE, MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!!”
While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened.
Johnny went to confession
A doctor drives by a small town
30.
Today I went to the children’s daycare for my first day of work there.
When I walked in a kid asked if he could have an apple for snack time.
I responded yes and proceeded to prepare an apple for him.
To make sure to rid the apple of any harmful bacteria, I whipped out my nifty hand sanitizer because it kills 99.9% of bacteria.
When the kid took a bite it sure killed alright.
That poor kid’s parents were not happy.
That damn 0.1% of bacteria killed the poor kid
I paid a visit to an art gallery today
Mickey Mouse steps into lawyers office
Today I went to the children’s daycare for my first day of work there.
When I walked in a kid asked if he could have an apple for snack time.
I responded yes and proceeded to prepare an apple for him.
To make sure to rid the apple of any harmful bacteria, I whipped out my nifty hand sanitizer because it kills 99.9% of bacteria.
When the kid took a bite it sure killed alright.
That poor kid’s parents were not happy.
That damn 0.1% of bacteria killed the poor kid
I paid a visit to an art gallery today
Mickey Mouse steps into lawyers office
Tags:
Eng Jokes
