1.
Three men are playing golf at a Country Club: Obi Wan Ken-obi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap.
He mind controls his candy to mark it a h*le-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the h*le.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!”
A man died and went to straight
A father buys a lie detector robot
Three men are playing golf at a Country Club: Obi Wan Ken-obi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap.
He mind controls his candy to mark it a h*le-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the h*le.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!”
A man died and went to straight
A father buys a lie detector robot
2.
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could Barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and The light was red again.
Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”
Three mischievous old grannies sitting on bench
A little old lady was walking her dog
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could Barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and The light was red again.
Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”
Three mischievous old grannies sitting on bench
A little old lady was walking her dog
3.
Bush says, “I could throw this $100 mask out the window and make someone happy”.
Trump, with a smug look on his face replies,
“I could throw ten $10 masks out the window and make 10 people happy”.
Hillary smirks and says, “Oh yeah, I could throw one hundred $1 masks out the window and make 100 people happy”.
Then the pilot says to the co-pilot,
“I could throw all 3 of these f**king idiots out the window and make billions of people happy”.
Salesman Of The Year Has Rough First Day
A man goes to the doctor
Bush says, “I could throw this $100 mask out the window and make someone happy”.
Trump, with a smug look on his face replies,
“I could throw ten $10 masks out the window and make 10 people happy”.
Hillary smirks and says, “Oh yeah, I could throw one hundred $1 masks out the window and make 100 people happy”.
Then the pilot says to the co-pilot,
“I could throw all 3 of these f**king idiots out the window and make billions of people happy”.
Salesman Of The Year Has Rough First Day
A man goes to the doctor
4.
A family is sitting around the supper table discussing anatomy.
Suddenly the son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of melons are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of melons. In her twenties, a woman’s melons are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kind of privet part are there?”
The mother, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, his weapon is like an oak, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only!”
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle
Three nuns passed every day through a street
A family is sitting around the supper table discussing anatomy.
Suddenly the son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of melons are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of melons. In her twenties, a woman’s melons are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kind of privet part are there?”
The mother, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, his weapon is like an oak, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only!”
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle
Three nuns passed every day through a street
5.
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.
“What’s the matter?” he was asked.
He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.'”
“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”
“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.”
A man went into a bank
This man drunk walks into a bar
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.
“What’s the matter?” he was asked.
He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.'”
“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”
“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.”
A man went into a bank
This man drunk walks into a bar
6.
Herm is 85 years old and retired.
He gets a checkup with his physician.
A week or so afterward the doc sees Herm strolling the boardwalk with his arm around a beautiful, comely young female.
The doctor stops him and asks, “Herm, you must be feeling terrific, yes?”
Herman says, “Just following orders, Doc. You told me to get a hot mama and be cheerful.”
The physician exclaims, “Herm, that’s not what I told you! I said, ‘Your heart’s got a murmur. Be careful.”
A old man went to the Bank
Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor
Herm is 85 years old and retired.
He gets a checkup with his physician.
A week or so afterward the doc sees Herm strolling the boardwalk with his arm around a beautiful, comely young female.
The doctor stops him and asks, “Herm, you must be feeling terrific, yes?”
Herman says, “Just following orders, Doc. You told me to get a hot mama and be cheerful.”
The physician exclaims, “Herm, that’s not what I told you! I said, ‘Your heart’s got a murmur. Be careful.”
A old man went to the Bank
Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor
7.
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question,
“Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”
“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.”
“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was taste it her cone, which one is married?
” “Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one taste it the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Puppies For Sale
On his first day on the job
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question,
“Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”
“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.”
“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was taste it her cone, which one is married?
” “Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one taste it the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Puppies For Sale
On his first day on the job
8.
A farmer has three daughters that are all going on their first dates…
The farmer decides to greet the suitors at the door with his shot gun.
Around 5 the first boy arrives and rings the doorbell. “My names Joe, I’m here for flo, we’re going to the show, is she ready to go?”
The farmer thought he was alright, so off they went to their date.
Shortly after the second boy arrives. He rings the doorbell and the farmer answers.
“My names Heddy, I’m here for Betty, we’re going for spaghetti, is she ready?”
The farmer once again decided the boy was ok, so off the kids went.
Finally, the last boy arrives. The farmer goes to the door. “My names Chuck…”
The farmer shot him.
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City
A king was fed up by the constant jokes about the men in his kingdom
A farmer has three daughters that are all going on their first dates…
The farmer decides to greet the suitors at the door with his shot gun.
Around 5 the first boy arrives and rings the doorbell. “My names Joe, I’m here for flo, we’re going to the show, is she ready to go?”
The farmer thought he was alright, so off they went to their date.
Shortly after the second boy arrives. He rings the doorbell and the farmer answers.
“My names Heddy, I’m here for Betty, we’re going for spaghetti, is she ready?”
The farmer once again decided the boy was ok, so off the kids went.
Finally, the last boy arrives. The farmer goes to the door. “My names Chuck…”
The farmer shot him.
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City
A king was fed up by the constant jokes about the men in his kingdom
9.
An elderly couple was having breakfast one fine morning.
When the wife ask her husband, “Are you going to marry right after I die?”
What a depressing question? Here we are enjoying this beautiful morning and you bring up this grieving question.
That night, she asked that question again and for the following 3 days she keeps bopping that question and so he finally said “yes, are you satisfied ? “
And she said, are you going to sell the house? he said, no!
Are you going to sell our bed? Why no!
Are you going to let her have my golf clubs?
He said, “No I don’t think so, she is left-handed.”
A wife asks her programmer husband
A young couple came into the church office
An elderly couple was having breakfast one fine morning.
When the wife ask her husband, “Are you going to marry right after I die?”
What a depressing question? Here we are enjoying this beautiful morning and you bring up this grieving question.
That night, she asked that question again and for the following 3 days she keeps bopping that question and so he finally said “yes, are you satisfied ? “
And she said, are you going to sell the house? he said, no!
Are you going to sell our bed? Why no!
Are you going to let her have my golf clubs?
He said, “No I don’t think so, she is left-handed.”
A wife asks her programmer husband
A young couple came into the church office
10.
A small boy Little Johnny was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parent’s room, and he decided to investigate.
As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth.
“DAD!” he shouted.
“What are you doing?”
“It’s ok,” his father replied.
“Your mother wants a baby, that’s all.”
The Little Johnny, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.
Weeks later, the little Johnny was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father.
“DAD!” he shouted.
“What are you doing now?”
“Son, there’s been a change of plan,” his father replied.
“Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW.”
One evening a man was watching TV
The teacher asked the class to use the word
A small boy Little Johnny was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parent’s room, and he decided to investigate.
As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth.
“DAD!” he shouted.
“What are you doing?”
“It’s ok,” his father replied.
“Your mother wants a baby, that’s all.”
The Little Johnny, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.
Weeks later, the little Johnny was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father.
“DAD!” he shouted.
“What are you doing now?”
“Son, there’s been a change of plan,” his father replied.
“Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW.”
One evening a man was watching TV
The teacher asked the class to use the word
11.
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively asked the lady,
“Why is your stomach so big?”
She replied, “I’m having a baby.”
With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?”
She answered, “He sure is.”
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked,
“Is it a good baby?”
She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.”
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked,
“Then why did you eat him?”
Divorce letter with funny end
Little Mary was not the best student
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively asked the lady,
“Why is your stomach so big?”
She replied, “I’m having a baby.”
With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?”
She answered, “He sure is.”
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked,
“Is it a good baby?”
She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.”
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked,
“Then why did you eat him?”
Divorce letter with funny end
Little Mary was not the best student
12.
A husband and wife went to see a marriage Councillor,
After he had listened to a twenty minute tirade about how bad a husband he was, the Councillor stood up, went round to his wife and embraced her and gave her a hug.
Then turned to husband and said..
“this is what your wife needs three times a week, can you manage that?”
Husband said..” Well I can drop her off Mondays and Wednesday but I play golf on Fridays!
A husband and wife were dining at restaurant
A new soldier was on sentry duty
A husband and wife went to see a marriage Councillor,
After he had listened to a twenty minute tirade about how bad a husband he was, the Councillor stood up, went round to his wife and embraced her and gave her a hug.
Then turned to husband and said..
“this is what your wife needs three times a week, can you manage that?”
Husband said..” Well I can drop her off Mondays and Wednesday but I play golf on Fridays!
A husband and wife were dining at restaurant
A new soldier was on sentry duty
13.
A woman goes her young daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says,
“Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant about 4 months, would be my guess.”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?”
Darla says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says,
“Is there something wrong out there doctor?”
The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!”
A old lady was walking down the street
A city kid went to his grandpa farm
A woman goes her young daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says,
“Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant about 4 months, would be my guess.”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?”
Darla says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says,
“Is there something wrong out there doctor?”
The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!”
A old lady was walking down the street
A city kid went to his grandpa farm
14.
Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career.
However, he just couldn’t seem to get to work on time every day he was five, ten or fifteen minutes late.
But as he was a good worker and very sharp, the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk.
“Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”
“Yes, I know boss and I am working on it.”
“Well good, you are a team player.
That’s what I like to hear It’s odd though, your coming in late.
I know you’re retired from the Air Force what did they say if you came in late there?”
“They said, ‘Good morning, General’.”
Edna are both mental patients
A water bearer in India had two large pot
Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career.
However, he just couldn’t seem to get to work on time every day he was five, ten or fifteen minutes late.
But as he was a good worker and very sharp, the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk.
“Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”
“Yes, I know boss and I am working on it.”
“Well good, you are a team player.
That’s what I like to hear It’s odd though, your coming in late.
I know you’re retired from the Air Force what did they say if you came in late there?”
“They said, ‘Good morning, General’.”
Edna are both mental patients
A water bearer in India had two large pot
15.
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.
She charged that he had called her a pig.
The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, “This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?”
The judge said that was true. “Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?” the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, “Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson.”
A woman is bouncing on her bed
A student called up his Mom
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.
She charged that he had called her a pig.
The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, “This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?”
The judge said that was true. “Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?” the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, “Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson.”
A woman is bouncing on her bed
A student called up his Mom
16.
3 sailors get stranded on an island and get captured by a cannibal gang
The sailors plead with the king to spare their lives so the king strikes a deal.
He says: “Each if you have to go in the forest and get three of the same fruit”
So the sailors go into the forest. The first sailor comes back with 3 kiwis.
The king then tells him: “Now stick all three up your ass and if you make a sound you lose your life!”
The sailor does as he’s told and as he puts the second kiwi in he screams in agony.
So he loses his life.
The second sailor comes back with three grapes and the king tells him the same thing.
So the second sailor starts putting the grapes up his ass and as he is about to put the third grape in he suddenly he starts laughing hysterically.
The king asks: “What happened, you were doing so well!”
The second sailor replies: “I’m sorry but I just saw the third guy walk out of the forest with 3 pineapples!”
A guy enters a bar
There was once a man
3 sailors get stranded on an island and get captured by a cannibal gang
The sailors plead with the king to spare their lives so the king strikes a deal.
He says: “Each if you have to go in the forest and get three of the same fruit”
So the sailors go into the forest. The first sailor comes back with 3 kiwis.
The king then tells him: “Now stick all three up your ass and if you make a sound you lose your life!”
The sailor does as he’s told and as he puts the second kiwi in he screams in agony.
So he loses his life.
The second sailor comes back with three grapes and the king tells him the same thing.
So the second sailor starts putting the grapes up his ass and as he is about to put the third grape in he suddenly he starts laughing hysterically.
The king asks: “What happened, you were doing so well!”
The second sailor replies: “I’m sorry but I just saw the third guy walk out of the forest with 3 pineapples!”
A guy enters a bar
There was once a man
17.
Bill Gates goes to purgatory.
St.Peter says, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things.
Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go”.
First, St.Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches.
Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.
Bill chooses Hell.
About a week later, St.Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.
Bill says to St.Peter, “What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?”
St.Peter replies, “That was just the screen saver.”
Two elderly grandparents
The three wishes by the Fairy mother
Bill Gates goes to purgatory.
St.Peter says, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things.
Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go”.
First, St.Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches.
Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.
Bill chooses Hell.
About a week later, St.Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.
Bill says to St.Peter, “What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?”
St.Peter replies, “That was just the screen saver.”
Two elderly grandparents
The three wishes by the Fairy mother
18.
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
“My name is Billy. What’s yours?”
asked the first boy.
“Tommy,” replied the second.
“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?”
asked Billy. Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”
“Honest?”
asked Billy.
“No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.
Three men were discussing at a bar
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
“My name is Billy. What’s yours?”
asked the first boy.
“Tommy,” replied the second.
“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?”
asked Billy. Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”
“Honest?”
asked Billy.
“No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.
Three men were discussing at a bar
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson
19.
There are three girls at a bar, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde.
They have a seat at the bar.
The bar tender says, “If you go into the bathroom there is a mirror. Look into the mirror and tell anything in your life that you believe is true. If you are telling the truth then “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out, if you lie then “POOF” you’ll disappear.”
So the red head goes in first and stares deeply into the mirror and proclaims, “I think that i am the most beautiful woman in the world!”, “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out.
Then the brunette goes in. “I think that i am the smartest woman in the world,” “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out.
Now it’s the blonde’s turn.
She slowly walks into the bathroom with her hands over her eyes and peeks between her fingers at the mirror.
She waits… nothing happens… she is glad.
She stands bravely and states, “I think… “POOF ” she disappears.
A old man was a witness in a burglary case
A man got really drunk one night
There are three girls at a bar, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde.
They have a seat at the bar.
The bar tender says, “If you go into the bathroom there is a mirror. Look into the mirror and tell anything in your life that you believe is true. If you are telling the truth then “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out, if you lie then “POOF” you’ll disappear.”
So the red head goes in first and stares deeply into the mirror and proclaims, “I think that i am the most beautiful woman in the world!”, “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out.
Then the brunette goes in. “I think that i am the smartest woman in the world,” “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out.
Now it’s the blonde’s turn.
She slowly walks into the bathroom with her hands over her eyes and peeks between her fingers at the mirror.
She waits… nothing happens… she is glad.
She stands bravely and states, “I think… “POOF ” she disappears.
A old man was a witness in a burglary case
A man got really drunk one night
20.
The wife served breakfast to the Husband.
Along with that, she gave me a tablet also and said:
“Take this Paracetamol after breakfast.”
Husband: “Why? I don’t have a fever.”
Wife: “OK, then take this Digene.”
Husband: “Come on ! I don’t have even gastric trouble.”
Wife: “OK, take at least Pudeen Hara You will have an immediate relief.”
Husband: “My dear, my stomach is perfectly OK.”
Wife: “Oh, but you must take at least Combiflame Any pain in your hands or legs will disappear in no time.”
Husband: “Are you crazy? Why so much of care and concern for me all of a sudden? Thanx darling, but I am totally fit, fresh and energetic.”
Wife: “Ve….ry good ! Now take this broom and clean up the cobwebs from all the rooms and then clean up the loft also.”
A husband and wife talking
Three elderly men are at the doctor
The wife served breakfast to the Husband.
Along with that, she gave me a tablet also and said:
“Take this Paracetamol after breakfast.”
Husband: “Why? I don’t have a fever.”
Wife: “OK, then take this Digene.”
Husband: “Come on ! I don’t have even gastric trouble.”
Wife: “OK, take at least Pudeen Hara You will have an immediate relief.”
Husband: “My dear, my stomach is perfectly OK.”
Wife: “Oh, but you must take at least Combiflame Any pain in your hands or legs will disappear in no time.”
Husband: “Are you crazy? Why so much of care and concern for me all of a sudden? Thanx darling, but I am totally fit, fresh and energetic.”
Wife: “Ve….ry good ! Now take this broom and clean up the cobwebs from all the rooms and then clean up the loft also.”
A husband and wife talking
Three elderly men are at the doctor
21.
A woman came home early from work one day and found her husband in bed with a young and attractive woman.
The woman yelled at her husband in anger: “You slimy disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me!? I’m the mother of your children, and I’ve been faithful to you all these years! I want a divorce now!”
The husband answered: “Wait a second my love, let me at least explain what happened.”
“All right, let’s hear what you have to say for yourself,” answered the wife waiting to see just how her husband would try to talk his way out of this one, “but these are your last words.”
Her husband started recalling: “today when I left work and got in my car to head home and this woman asked me for a ride.”
“I noticed that she was very skinny and wearing worn out clothes covered in muck and mud. She told me she hadn’t eaten in three days.”
“She looked worse for wear so I took pity on her and let her into the car.”
“In my mercy for her, instead of taking her straight to where she needed to go, I brought her home first and warmed her up a plate of goulash, the same plate I made for you last night which you didn’t eat claiming you’d ‘get fat’.”
“She devoured it in seconds.”
“Since she needed to get clean, I offered to let her use our shower.”
“While she showered, I noticed that her clothes were very dirty and worn, so I threw them out. She needed new clothes so I brought her the old jeans you no longer wear because they’re ‘too tight’.”
“I also gave her some underwear I bought you that you didn’t wear because ‘I don’t have good taste in clothes’.”
“I found the shirt my mom bought you for Christmas that you didn’t wear to ‘piss her off’. And I gave her the high heels you only wore once because ‘someone at work had the same pair’.”
The husband took a deep breath and continued…
“She was so grateful for my understanding and help. When I walked her to the door she turned around with tears in her eyes and asked…”
“You’re such a great person! Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?”
A Italian girl tells her Mom
One day her husband comes home early
A woman came home early from work one day and found her husband in bed with a young and attractive woman.
The woman yelled at her husband in anger: “You slimy disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me!? I’m the mother of your children, and I’ve been faithful to you all these years! I want a divorce now!”
The husband answered: “Wait a second my love, let me at least explain what happened.”
“All right, let’s hear what you have to say for yourself,” answered the wife waiting to see just how her husband would try to talk his way out of this one, “but these are your last words.”
Her husband started recalling: “today when I left work and got in my car to head home and this woman asked me for a ride.”
“I noticed that she was very skinny and wearing worn out clothes covered in muck and mud. She told me she hadn’t eaten in three days.”
“She looked worse for wear so I took pity on her and let her into the car.”
“In my mercy for her, instead of taking her straight to where she needed to go, I brought her home first and warmed her up a plate of goulash, the same plate I made for you last night which you didn’t eat claiming you’d ‘get fat’.”
“She devoured it in seconds.”
“Since she needed to get clean, I offered to let her use our shower.”
“While she showered, I noticed that her clothes were very dirty and worn, so I threw them out. She needed new clothes so I brought her the old jeans you no longer wear because they’re ‘too tight’.”
“I also gave her some underwear I bought you that you didn’t wear because ‘I don’t have good taste in clothes’.”
“I found the shirt my mom bought you for Christmas that you didn’t wear to ‘piss her off’. And I gave her the high heels you only wore once because ‘someone at work had the same pair’.”
The husband took a deep breath and continued…
“She was so grateful for my understanding and help. When I walked her to the door she turned around with tears in her eyes and asked…”
“You’re such a great person! Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?”
A Italian girl tells her Mom
One day her husband comes home early
22.
I recall my first time with a protection.
I was 16 or so and I went in to buy a packet of protections at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.
It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.
She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said it was time to slip the protection on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her undergarment and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and BOOM, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that protection on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”
After returning from his honeymoon
A family goes to the zoo
I recall my first time with a protection.
I was 16 or so and I went in to buy a packet of protections at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.
It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.
She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said it was time to slip the protection on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her undergarment and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and BOOM, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that protection on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”
After returning from his honeymoon
A family goes to the zoo
23.
A young couple were on their honeymoon and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool.
They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased.
As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was too large, and the top and bottom kept coming off.
As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool’s bottom.
That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel’s elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium.
Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.
When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, “That’s not an aquarium…that’s the swimming pool!”
A dentist was getting ready to clean
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging
A young couple were on their honeymoon and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool.
They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased.
As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was too large, and the top and bottom kept coming off.
As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool’s bottom.
That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel’s elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium.
Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.
When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, “That’s not an aquarium…that’s the swimming pool!”
A dentist was getting ready to clean
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging
24.
An elderly couple were sitting together watching television.
During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, “Whatever happened to our make love relations?”
After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial,
“You know, I don’t know. I don’t even think we got a Christmas card from them this year.”
A married couple is sleeping
A little boy said Grandpa
An elderly couple were sitting together watching television.
During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, “Whatever happened to our make love relations?”
After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial,
“You know, I don’t know. I don’t even think we got a Christmas card from them this year.”
A married couple is sleeping
A little boy said Grandpa
25.
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren.
She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
“Oh, I’ve done all the talking, and I’m so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me… what do you think of my grandchildren?”
A woman phones up her husband
Quasimodo goes to a doctor
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren.
She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
“Oh, I’ve done all the talking, and I’m so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me… what do you think of my grandchildren?”
A woman phones up her husband
Quasimodo goes to a doctor
26.
A very elderly couple were having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leaned forward and said softly to his wife: “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife dropped her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed: “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man was very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asked:
“Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again, the old woman dropped her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she said: “You.”
A Indian boy goes to his mother
A husband said to his wife
A very elderly couple were having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leaned forward and said softly to his wife: “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife dropped her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed: “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man was very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asked:
“Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again, the old woman dropped her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she said: “You.”
A Indian boy goes to his mother
A husband said to his wife
27.
A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a terrible phobia.
“Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible fear that there is something underneath.”
“Wow” responded the psychiatrist in amazement.
“I’ve never heard of such a phobia, but like all phobias it can be treated, but it will likely take around 20 sessions.”
OK” responded the lady “how much is each session?”
“Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s well worth it.”
When the lady didn’t come back to the psychiatrist he gave the lady a call.
“How come I didn’t hear from you?” He asked.
“Well” responded the lady “when I came home and told my husband about the cost he thought he would save some money and just cut the legs off the bed!”
Two old men decide they are close
A elderly Florida lady did her shopping
A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a terrible phobia.
“Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible fear that there is something underneath.”
“Wow” responded the psychiatrist in amazement.
“I’ve never heard of such a phobia, but like all phobias it can be treated, but it will likely take around 20 sessions.”
OK” responded the lady “how much is each session?”
“Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s well worth it.”
When the lady didn’t come back to the psychiatrist he gave the lady a call.
“How come I didn’t hear from you?” He asked.
“Well” responded the lady “when I came home and told my husband about the cost he thought he would save some money and just cut the legs off the bed!”
Two old men decide they are close
A elderly Florida lady did her shopping
28.
George raises his beer mug in the air and says, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life having lovemaking with my wife!”
The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, “Best Toast of the Month”.
When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. “And what exactly was your award-winning toast?” she asks.
George thinks for a while and says, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife.”
The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down the street when she runs into Ted, one of George’s drinking buddies.
“Your husband sure gave an awesome toast last night!” says Ted.
“I know!” replies Linda, “and he told me about it! It kind of surprised me because almost every time he goes down there, he falls asleep. A few weeks ago I had to pull him by the ear to get him to come.”
Mr. Johnson boarded a plane
A man owns a rabbit farm and is known
George raises his beer mug in the air and says, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life having lovemaking with my wife!”
The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, “Best Toast of the Month”.
When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. “And what exactly was your award-winning toast?” she asks.
George thinks for a while and says, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife.”
The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down the street when she runs into Ted, one of George’s drinking buddies.
“Your husband sure gave an awesome toast last night!” says Ted.
“I know!” replies Linda, “and he told me about it! It kind of surprised me because almost every time he goes down there, he falls asleep. A few weeks ago I had to pull him by the ear to get him to come.”
Mr. Johnson boarded a plane
A man owns a rabbit farm and is known
29.
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road when her car breaks down.
She goes to the nearest farmhouse and knocks on the door.
When the farmer answers, she says to him, “My car broke down!
I don’t know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until I can get some help tomorrow?”
“Well,” drawls the farmer, “you can stay here, but I don’t want you messing with my sons Jed and Luke.”
The blonde looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer.
“Okay,” she says. After going to bed, the woman begins to get a little hot thinking about the two boys in the room next to her.
So she quietly goes into their room and says, “Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?”
They say, “Huh?” She says, “The only thing is, I don’t want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.”
She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later the old Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
The old Jed says, “Luke? You remember that blonde woman that came by here forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?”
“Yeah,” says the old Luke, “I remember.”
“Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?” asks Jed.
“Nope,” says Luke, “I reckon not.”
“Me neither,” says Jed.
“Let’s take these things off.”
Dr. Darns said George
Mrs Jones told her pastor
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road when her car breaks down.
She goes to the nearest farmhouse and knocks on the door.
When the farmer answers, she says to him, “My car broke down!
I don’t know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until I can get some help tomorrow?”
“Well,” drawls the farmer, “you can stay here, but I don’t want you messing with my sons Jed and Luke.”
The blonde looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer.
“Okay,” she says. After going to bed, the woman begins to get a little hot thinking about the two boys in the room next to her.
So she quietly goes into their room and says, “Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?”
They say, “Huh?” She says, “The only thing is, I don’t want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.”
She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later the old Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
The old Jed says, “Luke? You remember that blonde woman that came by here forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?”
“Yeah,” says the old Luke, “I remember.”
“Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?” asks Jed.
“Nope,” says Luke, “I reckon not.”
“Me neither,” says Jed.
“Let’s take these things off.”
Dr. Darns said George
Mrs Jones told her pastor
30.
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told,
“You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog said, “That’s great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?”
“No,” said the psychic, “Next term — in her biology class.”
Mark showed up for work with two very red and sore ears.
“Gees, what happened to you??” asked Frank, a co-worker.
“I was watching TV by the tool board,” Mark replied
“The phone rang I picked up the tool instead, thinking it was the phone.”
“So, what happened to your other ear?” asked Frank.
“The guy called back.”
A police officer asks a thief
A artist asked the gallery owner
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told,
“You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog said, “That’s great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?”
“No,” said the psychic, “Next term — in her biology class.”
Mark showed up for work with two very red and sore ears.
“Gees, what happened to you??” asked Frank, a co-worker.
“I was watching TV by the tool board,” Mark replied
“The phone rang I picked up the tool instead, thinking it was the phone.”
“So, what happened to your other ear?” asked Frank.
“The guy called back.”
A police officer asks a thief
A artist asked the gallery owner
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Eng Jokes