These Jokes Are So Funny, You Won’t Be Able to Stop Laughing 05

1.



A panel of doctors was asked for their opinions concerning a proposal to build a new wing to their hospital.
This was what they said: The Allergists could barely breathe for the shock.
The Dermatologists preferred no rash moves be made.
The Psychiatrists thought the whole thing was deluded.
The Radiologists could see right through it.
The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it being a bad idea;
The whole thing gave them a stomach ache.
The Neurologists thought the administration had a big brain idea.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted but rectifiable.
The Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body.” while hiding behind a patient.
The Pediatricians said, “Grow up!”, then held their breath until blue.
The Plastic Surgeons said this was a stretch.
The Podiatrists were afraid it was the wrong step.
The Urologists felt they were pissing away money.
The Anesthesiologists thought it was a pipe dream.
The Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no… And the Surgeons weren’t even allowed to cut.
A newly married Liam
Three women were sitting in a bar

2.



One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”
Three old men are talking about
The man asked the doctor

3.



A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what’s your problem?’
Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade.
My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: ‘What is 3 x 3?’
Harry: ‘9.’
Principal: ‘What is 6 x 6?’
Harry: ’36.’
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade’
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, ‘Let me ask him some questions..’
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms.. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’
Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs..’
Ms Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’
Harry: ‘Pants.’
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: ‘What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’
The principal’ s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,’Bubble gum.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?’
Harry: ‘Shake hands.’
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?’
Harry: ‘Firetruck.’
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, ‘Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong
A man is in a hotel lobby
A man escapes a prison

4.



As he walked up to old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid.
He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be.
“Do you know why I pulled you over, Ma’am?”
“No, I do not,” she replied sweetly.
“You were going 10mph on the highway that’s a serious hazard for other drivers.”
The officer couldn’t help but glance at the three terrified passengers.
The little old lady pointed at the sign nearby. “Isn’t the speed limit 10?”
The officer looked at the sign and laughed.
“Ma’am, that’s the sign telling you which highway you’re on Interstate 10.”
The little old lady burst out in a fit of giggles, “Oh, I’m sorry!”
The officer decided it was an honest mistake and was going to let her go.
But curiosity got the better of him.
“Can I ask why your passengers are so scared?”
The little old lady laughed again.
“Probably because I just got off Interstate 175.”
The coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players
The friendly usher

5.



Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye.
Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere.
“Jesus is watching you.”
The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes.
After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.
A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns.
“Jesus is watching you.”
Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual.
He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it.
Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, “Jesus is watching you.”
The robber realized it was the parrot talking!
Going to the parrot, he asks it, “Are you the one who’s been talking to me?”
The parrot responds, “Yes.”
The thief couldn’t believe it.
So, he asks another question.
“What is your name?”
“Ismael” the parrot replies.
The man scoffed.
“What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?”
The parrot speaks yet again,
“The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus.”
On his last day of work
He saw an ad in the newspaper

6.



A man and a woman, who had never met before
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room
the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying,
“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be kind enough to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied.
“Just for tonight, why don’t we pretend that we’re married?”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!!” he is excited.
And she said.
“Then get up and take it yourself”!!
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention
A man walks into a Bank gets in line

7.



Two medical students were walking along the street.
When they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”
The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”
Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”
The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”
The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought but you are wrong.”
The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought but you are wrong.”
So they asked him, “Well, old-timer, what do you have?”
The old man said, “I thought it was gas but I was wrong, too!”
The old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon
Two old men decide they are close

8.



A husband and wife went to see a marriage Councillor,
After he had listened to a twenty minute tirade about how bad a husband he was, the Councillor stood up, went round to his wife and embraced her and gave her a hug.
Then turned to husband and said..
“this is what your wife needs three times a week, can you manage that?”
Husband said..” Well I can drop her off Mondays and Wednesday but I play golf on Fridays!
A husband and wife were dining at restaurant
A new soldier was on sentry duty

9.



A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission.
He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, “Now that’s addition.”
In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s subtraction.”
Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.
And both together smiled and said, “That’s multiplication.”
Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.
He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, “That’s long division!”
This fisherman goes to the river
Two hunters went moose hunting

10.



A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
“Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
“No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says,
“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $300?”
The passenger window and tapped lightly
Lawyer Asks Old Lady If She Knows Who He Is

11.



An elderly couple visits a doctor.
The doctor says to the old man,
“I’ll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample.”
The old man says, “What?”
The doctor repeats himself.
Once again the old man says, “what?”
So the doctor yells it,
“I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!”
With that the old woman turns to the old man and says,
“He said needs a pair of your underwear!”
A doctor asked a old man and his wife
A husband and wife get up

12.



A young couple were on their honeymoon and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool.
They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased.
As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was too large, and the top and bottom kept coming off.
As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool’s bottom.
That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel’s elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium.
Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.
When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, “That’s not an aquarium…that’s the swimming pool!”
A dentist was getting ready to clean
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging

13.



A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic then, when they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
An 18 year old girl tells her Mum
A son took his old father to a restaurant

14.



A husband and wife were sitting quietly in the park when the wife looked over at her husband and asked the following questions.
“What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?“
“Definitely not!“ says the husband.
“Why not? Don’t you like being married?“
“Of course I do.“
“Then why wouldn’t you remarry?“
“Okay, okay, I’d get married again.“
“You would?“ with a hurt look.
Husband makes audible groan.
“Would you live in our house?“
“Sure, it’s a great house.“
“Would you sleep with her in our bed?“
“Where else would we sleep?“
“Would you let her drive my car?“
“Probably,it is almost new.“
“Would you replace my picture with hers?“
“That would seem like the proper thing to do.“
“Would you give her my jewellery?“
“No, I’m sure she’d want her own.“
“Would you take her golfing with you?“
“Yes, those are always good times.“
“Would she use my clubs?“
“No!“ says the husband.
“She’s left-handed.“
Long silence…
“Damn.“
A lady helps her husband
The newlywed wife said to her husband

15.



A woman decides to prove her intelligence to her husband.
While he is at work, she takes it upon herself to paint a couple of rooms in their house.
The next day, as soon as her husband leaves, she dives into the project. When he returns home at 5:30, he immediately notices the strong smell of paint.
Concerned, he walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor, drenched in sweat. To his surprise, she’s wearing both a ski jacket and a fur coat.
Worried, he asks if she’s okay.
She assures him she is fine. Curious, he inquires about her outfit. She explains that she wanted to prove that blondes can be smart by painting the house.
When he asks why she’s wearing both coats, she confidently explains, “I read the instructions on the paint can, and it said, ‘For best results, put on two coats.’”
The new wife tells her husband
A elderly couple was attending church

16.



A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink.
The polish guy calls the bartender over and says, “whatever she is is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me.”
The bartender replies “I don’t think you want to do that.”
“What do you mean?” yells the polish guy, “Send her the drink!”
“OK.” the bartender replies, “but I don’t think it is a good idea.”
“And why not?” asks the polish guy.
The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says “because she’s a queer.”
“I don’t care, send her the drink.” says the polish guy.
So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, “so what part of queer are you from?”
Joey was asked by his mother
Mommy has told her little girl

17.



Two pigeons are sitting on a roof, watching the world.
One of them notices a jet plane roaring high up at the sky. ?
He nudges his friend,
”Wow, would you look at that! Look how fast he is!”
The other one shrugs,
“You’d fly like the blazes too if somebody lit your bum on fire.”
A man has been drinking all day at a bar
A little old lady answered a knock on her door

18.



Three Engineers are Discussing God
The structural engineer says “I think God must’ve been a structural engineer.
The musculoskeletal system is perfectly designed to allow us to walk upright.”
The electrical engineer says “Interesting, but you are obviously wrong. God is an electrical engineer.
The nervous system is so complex and finely tuned, He couldn’t be anything else!”
The civil engineer turns to them both and declares “you’re both wrong.
Only a civil engineer would run a sewage line through a recreational area.”
A man’s walking home late at night
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest

19.



A cowboy rode into a windy, dusty, tumble weed strewn Nevada town, reined up outside the saloon, went in and ordered a double bourbon.
The saloon was full of locals but what this cowboy did not know was that this town was a haven for thieves and rouges.
Having finished his drink he exited only to find that his horse had been stolen.
He returned inside to the bar and ordered another double bourbon.
With the speed of greased lightning he drew his gun and sent it spinning into the air above his head, caught it effortlessly without looking up and fired a single shot into the ceiling.
The saloon fell deathly silent.
He announce to all and sundry that if his horse was not returned in the next three minutes then he would have to do what he had done down there in Texas.
He added, “I really do not want to do what I had had to do down there in Texas, no sir, I do not want to have to do that, no sir, I do not!”
He finished his drink; checked his gun; then his time piece.
The three minutes were up.
He exited again and there was his horse back where he had left it.
He mounted up, turned and started to move off when the bartender came running up to him and asked, “Hey partner tell me, tell me, what was it that you had to do down there in Texas? What was it that you didn’t want to have to do here? What was it? Tell me please.”
The cowboy stared at him with a long withering look and then said- “I had to walk home!”
A Salt Lake pheasant hunter
How Men Came To Wear Earrings

20.



The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand. She said,
“My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her melons are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
He entered their bedroom
A elderly married couple is having problems

21.



The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho.
Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.
The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies that he knows little Johnny, as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, and if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the Regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.
After listening, he replies: “I can’t see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the darn wall!”
Four guys are playing golf together
Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time

22.



Here I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY.
I can’t stand to see a man crying.”
“This is the worst day of my life.”
I say I’m a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife with another man, and then my dog bit me.”
“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve.
Then you show up and drink the whole thing! “But enough about me, how’s your day going?”
A old man and a young man
The town champion went to the Zen master

23.



John walks into his 5th floor apartment after a long day of work, he exhaustively sinks into his favorite arm chair, puts up his footrest, turns on the TV, and turns to his wife Hannah,
“Honey, please get me a hard drink, I think it’s about to start.”
Hannah rolls her eyes, heads to the kitchen, takes out a beer from the fridge, and brings it to John.
“Honey”, said John, two minutes later, “please get me another one quickly before it starts.”
“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING!”
Hannah exclaimed, “DO YOU THINK I’M YOUR PERSONAL WAITER!? YOU PLOP YOURSELF DOWN ON YOUR EASY CHAIR AND EXPECT ME TO BE ON YOUR BECK AND CALL!? IS THAT ALL I’M GOOD FOR!?
John sighs, and mutters under his breath, “it started….”
A wife was sitting peacefully
A man wasn’t feeling well

24.



Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it’s his daughter’s birthday and he hasn’t bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, “How much is that Barbie in the window?”
In a condescending manner, she says, “Which Barbie?”
She continues, “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”
Ralph asks, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?”
“That’s obvious,” the saleslady says.
“Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture.”
A police officer attempts to stop
Bob was in trouble

25.



Obi Wan Kenobi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap. He mind controls his caddy to mark it a hole-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the hole.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!!!”
A police officer asks a thief
A Father’s Last Request

26.



A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout.
“Are you crazy,” hollered the coach, “we don’t give tryouts to turkeys.”
Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch.
“That was amazing,” exclaimed the coach.
“I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?”
“Don’t worry about money,” said the turkey,
“let me just ask you something, does the season go past Thanksgiving?”
A man with an elephant walks
The boss dialed his employees phone number

27.



Two hunters are in the woods in deer season.
The morning hunt over, they head back to camp together.
As they make their way along the path, they hear a loud crashing noise and look up to see a very large bear charging down a hillside.
Realizing simultaneously, that they are the bear’s intended targets, not to mention lunch, one of the hunters immediately takes off his back pack, drops to the ground and begins to change from his hunting boots to tennis shoes.
The other hunter bewildered asks “You don’t really think you can out run that bear do you?”
The first hunter replies, “No, but I can outrun you.”
Sarah parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend
A businessman is driving down

28.



Three nuns were talking.
The first nun said, “I was cleaning the Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!”
“What did you do?” the other nuns asked.
“Well, of course I threw them in the trash.”
The second nun said, “Well, I can top that, I was in Father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of protection!”
“Oh my!” gasped the other nuns.
“What did you do?” they asked.
“I poked h*les in all of them,” she replied.
The third nun said, “Oh shit!”
The doctor entered the room and advised
Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher

29.



A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human it was physically impossible.
The little girl said: “When i get to heaven i wiII ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked: “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied: “Then you ask him.”
I need a tooth pulled
Three old ladies were sitting at dinner

30.



An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.
Then they heard voices.
Three men had broken into the greenhouse.
Scared, they called the police.
The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls.
The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again.
He told Dispatch, “Don’t worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!”
In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!
One of the cops asked the old man, “I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them.”
The old man replied, “I thought you said, there weren’t any officers available.”
A very elderly couple
A woman came home from work late