The Ultimate Joke Collection for Unlimited Fun 06

1.



A watermelon farmer was determined to scare off the local kids who went into his watermelon patch every night to eat their fill.
After some thought, he made a sign that read, “WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS HAS BEEN INJECTED WITH CYANIDE!”
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
A week later, the farmer was surveying his field. To his satisfaction, no watermelons were missing, but a sign next to his read, “NOW THERE ARE TWO!”
They slip into a nearby cemetery
Three men pass away on Christmas Day

2.



Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and said:
“I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday – she has everything, and besides,…
she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stuck.”
His friend said:
“I have an idea! Why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great love, any way she wants it.
She’ll probably be thrilled.”
Adam decided to take his friend’s advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said:
“Well? Did you take my suggestion?”
“Yes, I did,” Adam replied.
“Did she like it?”
“Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling:…”
“I’ll be back in an hour!!”
A woman and a baby were
Two women were playing golf

3.



Two elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami.
They had been meeting at that park every sunny day for over a dozen years.
One day, the younger of the two ladies turns to the other and says, “Please don’t be angry with me, but after all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can’t.”
The older friend stares at her and then says, “How soon do you have to know?”
You sink your teeth into a steak
A city park stood two statues

4.



John was talking to his fiance, Rebecca.
He said, “Be honest now, baby, how am I as a lover?”
To which she replied, “Honey, I would definitely say that you’re warm.”
“Really?” he asked excitedly.
“Yes, in fact I would say that you’re the dictionary definition of the word ‘warm.'”
John was pleased until he went home and just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, “WARM: Not so hot.”
Two guys are walking through
Two women are walking home

5.



The Little Johnny going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him.
“What’s wrong?”
Nervous, the kid asks,
“How long do I have to go to school for?”
“Until you’re 18” says the father.
The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly.
When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says,
“Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I’m 18, won’t you.”
A old man going to confession
A science teacher asked her students

6.



A blonde went to the hospital because her body hurt.
She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt.
The doctor told her to demonstrate.
She touched her elbow and it hurt.
She touched her calf and it hurt.
The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes.
“That’s why!!!!!!!!”
“Your finger is broken!”
A policeman stops a lady
After 25 years of marriage

7.



A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’
Little Larry says: ‘I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.’
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ‘And how about you, Sarah?’
‘I wanna be Larry’s whore.’
A police officer in a small town stopped
A woman went to doctor office

8.



Emperor Akbar was narrating a dream.
The dream began with Akbar and Birbal walking towards each other on a moonless night.
It was so dark that they could not see each other – and they collided, and fell.
“Fortunately for me,” said the Emperor.
“I fell into a pool of payasam but guess what Birbal fell into?”
“What, your Majesty?” asked the courtiers.
“A gutter!”
The court resounded with laughter.
The emperor was thrilled that for once he had been able to score over Birbal but Birbal was unperturbed.
“Your Majesty,” he said when the laughter had died down.
“Strangely, I too had the same dream.
But unlike you I slept on till the end.
When you climbed out of that pool of delicious payasam and I, out of that stinking gutter we found that there was no water with which to clean ourselves and so guess what we did?
“What?” asked the emperor, warily.
“We licked each other clean!”
The emperor became red with embarrassment and resolved never to try to get the better of Birbal again.
A big city lawyer went duck hunting
A beggar knocked at the door

9.



A man sits down on a bar stool and tells the bartender, “Pour me a drink before the trouble starts.”
The bartender looks puzzled, but pours him a drink.
The man chugs it and says, “Pour me another drink before the trouble starts.”
The bartender does and the man downs it as quickly as the first.
After a few more rounds, the bartender says, “Look, pal: you’ve had five drinks and all you talk about is ‘some trouble starting.’
Just when is this trouble supposed to start?”
The man replies, “Just as soon as you discover I don’t have the money to pay you for these drinks
A man drove past a traffic camera
3 men are sitting on a park bench

10.



A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill.
“I’m shocked!” she complained.
“This is three times what you normally charge.”
“Yes, I know,” said the dentist.
“But you screamed so loudly, you scared away two other patients.”
A hunter ventures into the forest
A laywoman was driving down

11.



Three women one engaged, one married and one a mistress,..
Are chatting over lunch and the conversation turns to their relationships.
They decided that night to surprise their men..
All three would wear a black leather and thong, stiletto heels, and a mask over their eyes.
A few days later they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman said: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, “You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.” Then we made love all night long.
The mistress Said: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather outfit, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but we had wild s*x for hours.
The married woman said: I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s house for the night.
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
He walked in the door, looked at me and said,..
“What’s for dinner, Batman?”
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender
During one of her daily classes a teacher

12.



One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, “Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count.
The other kids could only count to three but I can count to ten….. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!”
The mother responds, “Very good honey.”
The blonde asks, “Is that because I’m a blonde mommy?” And the mother responds, “Yes dear.”
Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said,
“Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! …. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!”
The mother says, “Very good honey.”
The blonde then asked, “Is that because I’m a blonde, Mommy?”
The mother responds, “Yes dear.”
The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother,
“Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had melons. Is that because I’m a blonde, Mommy?”
And the mother responds, “No Honey, it’s because you’re twenty five.”
A blonde sitting in the first class
A call girl brings a client

13.



So a truck driver is driving through the country when he sees a penguin in the middle of the road.
He pulls over and looks around, but can’t see anyone.
So he picks up the penguin, puts him in the cab of his truck, and continues on his way.
A couple of miles down the road he gets pulled over by a cop.
The cop walks up to the truck and asks, “What are you doing with that penguin in your cab?”
The truck driver thinks for a second and says, “Well, he was just sitting in the middle of the road, so I decided to pick him up” to which the cop replied, “well ok, but what are you going to do with him now?”
Truck driver thinks for another second and says, “Well I was thinking I’d take him to the zoo.”
The cop shrugs his shoulders, tells the truck driver that’ll be fine and lets him go on his way.
A couple weeks later and the same truck driver with the same penguin is pulled over again by the same cop.
But this time the cop storms up to the truck and demands to know angrily.
“What are you still doing with that penguin? You said you were going to take him to the zoo?”
“I did” exclaimed the truck driver “that was two weeks ago, I’m taking him to the cinema today”
Two boys are playing football
One day a city mouse went to visit his friend

14.



Two hunters are in the woods in deer season.
The morning hunt over, they head back to camp together.
As they make their way along the path, they hear a loud crashing noise and look up to see a very large bear charging down a hillside.
Realizing simultaneously, that they are the bear’s intended targets, not to mention lunch, one of the hunters immediately takes off his back pack, drops to the ground and begins to change from his hunting boots to tennis shoes.
The other hunter bewildered asks “You don’t really think you can out run that bear do you?”
The first hunter replies, “No, but I can outrun you.”
Sarah parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend
A businessman is driving down

15.



An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
“Let’s have a party, Homer,” she suggested.
“Let’s kill a pig.”
The farmer scratched his grizzled head.
“Gee, Ethel,” he finally answered, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”
A husband and wife were driving through
Husband in bed with another woman

16.



A couple were driving home late at night in the pouring rain when their car accidentally ran over a badger.
They got out of the car to see whether it was still alive, and found that although it was very cold, the animal was still breathing.
“What shall we do?” said the wife.
“I know,” said the husband.
“Put it between your legs to warm it up.”
“But it’s all wet and it stinks!”
“Well, cover the badger’s nose then!”
A young boy caught sight of his mother
A man was on a bus tour

17.



A man and his wife went three days without talking after having an argument.
On an occasion, the man remembered that the next day he would have an early meeting in office.
As he needed to get up early, he decided to ask his wife to wake him up.
But he did not want to be a person who began the first conversation, so he wrote on a paper: “You wake me up at 6 in the morning.”
When he got up in the morning, he looked at the clock and realized that it was 9 o’clock.
He was so angry and shouted: “What’s wrong with you! What were you thinking? You are inconsiderate, you did not do what I asked you to do.”
His wife did not say anything and looked at the table a paper on which was written the following: “It’s six o’clock, get up!”
A man scolded his son for being so unruly
A Husband and wife are shopping

18.



A blonde redneck guy finds a lamp.
He rubs it and a genie emerges.
The genie tells him he will be granted three wishes.
The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.’
A mug of beer appears in his hand.
He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled.
The guy is thrilled and continues to drink.
The mug never empties.
Then the Genie says, ‘And what about your other two wishes?’
The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘Give me two more just like this one!’
Two women came before wise King Solomon
The man looked a little worried when the doctor

19.



A blonde walked into a department store and said “i would like to buy this tv”.
The manager said “sorry we don’t sell to blondes”.
The blonde was so mad, she went home and died her hair black.
She went back to the department store and said “i would like to buy this tv please”, the manager said “sorry we don’t sell to blondes”.
The blonde was furious.
She went home and died her hair red but waited a couple of days to return.
After a couple of days she returned to the department store and said “i would like to buy this tv please”.
The manager replied with “we don’t sell to blondes”.
The blonde said how do you know I’m a blonde.
The manager said “because that’s a microwave.”
A few months after his parents were divorced
A student at college had failed his final

20.



He says, “Doc, I want to be castrated.”
Doc says, “Look, I don’t know what kind of cult you’re into or what your motives are, but I’m not going to do that sort of operation. ”
John: “Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I’m a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it?”
Doc says, “Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don’t understand it, but OK.”
He puts John to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at the bedside when John wakes up.
“Well, Doc, how’d it go? ” John asks.
“It went fine, just fine. It’s really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task, and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think, it’s really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don’t mind my… ” “CIRCUMCISED!” yells John.
“THAT’S the word!!! “
A guy was in an elevator one day
A old lady went to visit her dentist

21.



A little old lady comes into the kitchen to talk to her husband and says,
“Honey just look at me.
My legs are heavy, thighs are getting big, and melons are sagging.
I could really use a complement right about now.”
The husband replied, “You have really good eye sight!”
A old man and old woman got married
Their 50th wedding anniversary

22.



A woman wearing a real tight dress, and carrying a bunch of packages tries to get on a bus.
She can’t get up the step so she reaches behind and drops the zipper on her skirt a little, tries again.
Still can’t make it, so she drops her skirt zipper a bit more, still no luck.
She reaches back drops her skirt zipper a bunch and the guy behind her grabs her, picks her up, carries her on the bus, pays both fares, sets her down and kisses her left breast.
The woman slaps him, and the guy says, “Honey after you pulled my zipper down the third time, I figured we were friends.”
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop
Paddy and Murphy are working

23.



There are two siblings.
A little brother and a big brother.
Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have s***.
So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night, and take her home.
So they get to the bigger brothers house, and walk in his room.
Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk bed.
When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have making love.
The big brother says, “whenever you feel good, say lettuce, and whenever you want to switch positions say tomato.”
The girl constantly is saying “lettuce, tomato” and then the little brother wakes up.
He quietly remarks, ” can you guys stop making sandwiches, you’re getting mayonnaise all over me.
Teacher asks what is love
Johnny catch’s parents having lovemaking

24.



Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
‘I may look like just an ordinary man,’ he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit $65 million.’
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Three young women are at a party
A hunter goes into the woods

25.



A man called his doctor, and said “doc”, you gotta come over here quick, you see when my wife got out of the shower, and bent over to pick up her towel a mouse ran straight up her bum.
The doctor said, “okay just hold a piece of cheese just outside of her ass until I get over there.”
The doctor drove up, got out of his car, and went inside to see the man holding a big fish up to her bum instead of cheese.
The doctor said, “what are you doing, I said a piece of cheese.”
The man said, “I did what you said, and it almost worked, but when the mouse started to come out, the cat chased it right back up there!”
A old man and his wife lived in the hills
Johnny was enjoying a cigarette

26.



A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”
A young couple moved into a new neighborhood
A blonde car gets a flat Tyre

27.



A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee…
On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
“Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!”
The voice from the other side responded:
“You fool; you’ve dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?”
“No” replied the trainee.
“It’s the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!”
The trainee shouted back:
“And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?”
“No!” replied the Managing Director angrily.
“Thank God!” replied the trainee and put the phone down…
The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang
A woman wanted to reach her husband

28.



John and Bob were discussing their married lives.
Although happily married to their wives, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.
John said, “I’ve made one great discovery.
I know how to always have the last word.”
“Wow!” said Bob, “how did you manage that?”
“It’s easy,” replied John, “my last word is always ‘Yes, Dear.’”
A boy is selling fish
The man finally stops

29.



A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast.
The young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside…
“That laundry is not very clean”, she said.
“She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”
Her husband looked on but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,
The young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:
“Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this.”
The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look.
Wife questioned her husband about his new secretary
A elderly couple walk into a restaurant

30.



A guy on a date parks his car and gets the girl in the back seat.
They make love, but the girl wants to make love again so the guy complies.
She wants more and they do it once again.
She still wants more and the guy says “Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself.”
While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat.
He asks the man “Look, I’ve got this gal in my car and I’ve made love to her four or five times and she still wants more.
I’ll change your flat if you’ll take over for me.”
So that’s what the man does and he is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them.
The cop asks, “What are you doing in there?”
The guy says, “I’m making love to my wife.”
The cop asks, “Why don’t you do that at home?”
The guy answers, “To tell you the truth, I didn’t know it was my wife until you shined the light on her.
I have become a victim
Wife discussing christmas presents with her maid