1.
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher.The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed.The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.The case was schedul
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher.The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed.The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.The case was schedul
2.
I decided it was best to explain it at a level she would understand so I said, “You just had breakfast?”“Yes.” she replied.“Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummyOur body takes all the good stuff it needs from out of the food then what's l
I decided it was best to explain it at a level she would understand so I said, “You just had breakfast?”“Yes.” she replied.“Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummyOur body takes all the good stuff it needs from out of the food then what's l
3.
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.He stopped and asked the boy, “Where did you get that turkey?”The boy replied, “What turkey?”The game warden said, “That turkey you're carrying under your
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.He stopped and asked the boy, “Where did you get that turkey?”The boy replied, “What turkey?”The game warden said, “That turkey you're carrying under your
4.
They decide to meet for tea and discuss their lives.The first older lady starts telling the second about all the wonderful things her husband has done for her over her life. “See this big ol' ring right here on my finger? My husband bought me that, beca
They decide to meet for tea and discuss their lives.The first older lady starts telling the second about all the wonderful things her husband has done for her over her life. “See this big ol' ring right here on my finger? My husband bought me that, beca
5.
When I first met my wife we went on our first date and I was pretty nervous.
I wanted to take her somewhere different to break the monotonous “first date” vibe of coffee or drinks so we decided to go to a local apiary to help transplant some bees to a
When I first met my wife we went on our first date and I was pretty nervous.
I wanted to take her somewhere different to break the monotonous “first date” vibe of coffee or drinks so we decided to go to a local apiary to help transplant some bees to a
6.
Woman: “Do you drink beer?”Man: “Yes.”Woman: “How many beers a day?”Man: “Usually about three”Woman: “How much do you pay per beer?”Man: “Five dollars, which includes a tip.” (This is where it gets scary!)Woman: “And how long have you been drinking?”Man:
Woman: “Do you drink beer?”Man: “Yes.”Woman: “How many beers a day?”Man: “Usually about three”Woman: “How much do you pay per beer?”Man: “Five dollars, which includes a tip.” (This is where it gets scary!)Woman: “And how long have you been drinking?”Man:
7.
Little Johnny comes home from school and his Grandma asks him about his day.
Little Johnny says,
“Oh, the school was fun. We were learning s*xual education.
The teacher taught us about pen*ses and vag*nas and how they function.”
The grandmothe
Little Johnny comes home from school and his Grandma asks him about his day.
Little Johnny says,
“Oh, the school was fun. We were learning s*xual education.
The teacher taught us about pen*ses and vag*nas and how they function.”
The grandmothe
8.
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind himThe waitress asks them for their orders.The truckie says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, ‘What's yours?' ‘I'll have the same,' says the emu.A short time l
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind himThe waitress asks them for their orders.The truckie says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, ‘What's yours?' ‘I'll have the same,' says the emu.A short time l
9.
Judge: Why do you want divorce?Petitioner: My wife asks me to peel off garlic, cut onions, wash utensils.Judge: What's the problem in this? Just warm up the Garlic, it will be easy to peel it.Before cutting Onions just chill them in the refrigerator and t
Judge: Why do you want divorce?Petitioner: My wife asks me to peel off garlic, cut onions, wash utensils.Judge: What's the problem in this? Just warm up the Garlic, it will be easy to peel it.Before cutting Onions just chill them in the refrigerator and t
10.
“My life is a mess,” he says“My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I'm as jittery as a cat.”“Just the other day the postman almost ran me over, I was chased by the neighbor's cat, and then the paperboy managed to hit me with his p
“My life is a mess,” he says“My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I'm as jittery as a cat.”“Just the other day the postman almost ran me over, I was chased by the neighbor's cat, and then the paperboy managed to hit me with his p
11.
A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photogra
A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photogra
12.
A guy burned both of his ears… so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.
He said, “I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang… So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear…”
“But how the heck did you burn the othe
A guy burned both of his ears… so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.
He said, “I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang… So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear…”
“But how the heck did you burn the othe
13.
One day after the service a little boy approached the parish priest with a question:Little Boy: “Father I heard you once say that we all came from dust”Parish priest, “That's right I did say that”.Little boy: “And Father I heard you say that when we die w
One day after the service a little boy approached the parish priest with a question:Little Boy: “Father I heard you once say that we all came from dust”Parish priest, “That's right I did say that”.Little boy: “And Father I heard you say that when we die w
14.
Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip when they came upon this great trout brook.
They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.
At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they
Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip when they came upon this great trout brook.
They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.
At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they
15.
Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced,“A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000.If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000.”There was a moment's silence,and then from the bac
Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced,“A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000.If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000.”There was a moment's silence,and then from the bac
16.
The teacher asked all the students to write an essay on the subject My Pet.
The next day she started checking the homework of everyone.
After checking Little Johnny’s essay teacher asked him,
“Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as y
The teacher asked all the students to write an essay on the subject My Pet.
The next day she started checking the homework of everyone.
After checking Little Johnny’s essay teacher asked him,
“Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as y
17.
A young boy, about seven years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a box of laundry detergent.The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.“No laundry” the boy said, “I'm going to wash my dog.”“Bu
A young boy, about seven years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a box of laundry detergent.The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.“No laundry” the boy said, “I'm going to wash my dog.”“Bu
18.
Three old ladies – Gertrude, Maude and Tilly – were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation.Suddenly, a handsome young man dressed only in a trench coat approached them from across the parkHe was holding his coat together with his hands and di
Three old ladies – Gertrude, Maude and Tilly – were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation.Suddenly, a handsome young man dressed only in a trench coat approached them from across the parkHe was holding his coat together with his hands and di
19.
A group of Sydney bikers were riding west when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridgeSo they stopped.George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, got off his Harley, walked through a group of gawkers, past the police officer who was trying to talk her
A group of Sydney bikers were riding west when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridgeSo they stopped.George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, got off his Harley, walked through a group of gawkers, past the police officer who was trying to talk her
20.
So, today I went over to the local Gun shop to get a Colt 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”Making a mental note to complain to the government about gun cont
So, today I went over to the local Gun shop to get a Colt 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”Making a mental note to complain to the government about gun cont
21.
– Hello! Gordon's pizza?– No sir it's Google's pizza.– So it's a wrong number?– No sir, Google bought it.– OKTake my order please..– Well sir, you want the usual?– The usual? You know me?– According to our caller ID, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizz
– Hello! Gordon's pizza?– No sir it's Google's pizza.– So it's a wrong number?– No sir, Google bought it.– OKTake my order please..– Well sir, you want the usual?– The usual? You know me?– According to our caller ID, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizz
22.
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now passed-away Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhe
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now passed-away Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhe
23.
… when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman cou
… when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman cou
24.
Daddy, how was I born ?
The father answers, ‘Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We s
Daddy, how was I born ?
The father answers, ‘Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We s
25.
One day a man walked into a sporting goods store looking to buy a rifleThe man had never been hunting before and asked the clerk if he could recommend a rifle.“Oh yes,” the clerk said“I'm not a very good shot, but I've done quite a lot of hunting in my da
One day a man walked into a sporting goods store looking to buy a rifleThe man had never been hunting before and asked the clerk if he could recommend a rifle.“Oh yes,” the clerk said“I'm not a very good shot, but I've done quite a lot of hunting in my da
26.
Pam and Kate are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
Pam pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
“What in the heck is that?” asks Kate.
“A condom”, repli
Pam and Kate are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
Pam pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
“What in the heck is that?” asks Kate.
“A condom”, repli
27.
“What a wonderful Easter day! Today, I'm so happy, I'll even be nice to the nuns”, she said.She went out of her room and saw a nun in the hall.– Good morning, Sister Joanna! You look really beautiful today! And that shirt you're knitting is so pretty!– Th
“What a wonderful Easter day! Today, I'm so happy, I'll even be nice to the nuns”, she said.She went out of her room and saw a nun in the hall.– Good morning, Sister Joanna! You look really beautiful today! And that shirt you're knitting is so pretty!– Th
28.
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day.
The man looks over at his wife and says: “Your butt is getting really big I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and me
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day.
The man looks over at his wife and says: “Your butt is getting really big I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and me
29.
A man and a woman meet in an elevator.
“Where are you heading today?” the man asks.
“I’m going down to give blood.”
“How much do you get paid for giving blood?”
“About $20.”
“Wow,” says the man, “I’m going up to donate sperm, and the sperm
A man and a woman meet in an elevator.
“Where are you heading today?” the man asks.
“I’m going down to give blood.”
“How much do you get paid for giving blood?”
“About $20.”
“Wow,” says the man, “I’m going up to donate sperm, and the sperm
30.
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.They had shared everything.They had talked about everything.They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.They had shared everything.They had talked about everything.They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her
Tags:
Eng Jokes
