1.
He calls home‘Dad,' he says, ‘you won't believe what modern education is developingThey actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'‘That's amazing!' his Dad says‘How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'‘Just send
He calls home‘Dad,' he says, ‘you won't believe what modern education is developingThey actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'‘That's amazing!' his Dad says‘How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'‘Just send
2.
It started to snowThe first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.It looked like a Grandma Moses print So romantic we felt like newlyweds againI love s
It started to snowThe first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.It looked like a Grandma Moses print So romantic we felt like newlyweds againI love s
3.
A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.”
“No more headaches?” the husband asks, “What happened?”
His wife replies, “Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to
A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.”
“No more headaches?” the husband asks, “What happened?”
His wife replies, “Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to
4.
Here's the surprising answer of a 6 year old child.Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker.The dog's owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they
Here's the surprising answer of a 6 year old child.Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker.The dog's owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they
5.
A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends.“Oh, no!” she suddenly exclaimed“Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husbandHe'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time.”When she got home, she opened a can of cat foo
A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends.“Oh, no!” she suddenly exclaimed“Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husbandHe'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time.”When she got home, she opened a can of cat foo
6.
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace.When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”To that she replies “Well, come here an
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace.When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”To that she replies “Well, come here an
7.
A tail gunner was being court-martialed.“What did you hear in your headset?” demanded a superior officer.“Well,” replied the airman“I heard my squadron leader holler, ‘Enemy planes at 5 o'clock!”“What action did you take?' persisted another officer.“Why,
A tail gunner was being court-martialed.“What did you hear in your headset?” demanded a superior officer.“Well,” replied the airman“I heard my squadron leader holler, ‘Enemy planes at 5 o'clock!”“What action did you take?' persisted another officer.“Why,
8.
A kindergarten teacher was observing the children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork.
As she got to Little Johnny who was working diligently, she asked what his drawing was.
Little Johnny replied, “I’m
A kindergarten teacher was observing the children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork.
As she got to Little Johnny who was working diligently, she asked what his drawing was.
Little Johnny replied, “I’m
9.
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court.
The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, I’d like to give you a second chance.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug us
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court.
The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, I’d like to give you a second chance.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug us
10.
Scottish couple wants their kids to visit on Christmas EveHowever, there are some methods that make things easier…A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your m
Scottish couple wants their kids to visit on Christmas EveHowever, there are some methods that make things easier…A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your m
11.
Two hunters were off on their annual trip to the wilderness of Canadian to bag moose.As the seaplane landed on the lake in a remote area, the pilot said, “I'll be back in exactly one week to pick you upBut remember – only one moose, please.”When he return
Two hunters were off on their annual trip to the wilderness of Canadian to bag moose.As the seaplane landed on the lake in a remote area, the pilot said, “I'll be back in exactly one week to pick you upBut remember – only one moose, please.”When he return
12.
There was a party in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain.Two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain and finally reached their car just as the rain let up They jumped in, started it up and headed down the road, laugh
There was a party in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain.Two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain and finally reached their car just as the rain let up They jumped in, started it up and headed down the road, laugh
13.
Judy and Ted got married and had 13 children, then Ted died of Heart Disease:Judy married again and she and Bob had 7 more children.Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later:Again Judy remarried and this time she and John had 5 more childrenJudy fin
Judy and Ted got married and had 13 children, then Ted died of Heart Disease:Judy married again and she and Bob had 7 more children.Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later:Again Judy remarried and this time she and John had 5 more childrenJudy fin
14.
The husband, who is the one behind the wheel, asks, “What's the problem, officer?”Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”Man: “No sir, I was going 65.”Wife: “Oh, HarryYou were going 80.” (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)Officer: “I'm also
The husband, who is the one behind the wheel, asks, “What's the problem, officer?”Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”Man: “No sir, I was going 65.”Wife: “Oh, HarryYou were going 80.” (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)Officer: “I'm also
15.
An Italian woman was leaving a convenience store with her espresso when she noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery:A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.Behind th
An Italian woman was leaving a convenience store with her espresso when she noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery:A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.Behind th
16.
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 betThe bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patronAnyone who could squeeze one more drop
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 betThe bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patronAnyone who could squeeze one more drop
17.
Some ecclesiastical gentlemen — a cardinal, a couple of bishops and some others — were waiting outside the Pearly Gates for St. Peter to open up.
He finally arrived, but just they were about to enter heaven St. Peter asked them to wait a moment and let
Some ecclesiastical gentlemen — a cardinal, a couple of bishops and some others — were waiting outside the Pearly Gates for St. Peter to open up.
He finally arrived, but just they were about to enter heaven St. Peter asked them to wait a moment and let
18.
An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.
Then they heard voices.
Three men had broken into the greenhouse.
Scared, they called the police.
The dispatche
An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.
Then they heard voices.
Three men had broken into the greenhouse.
Scared, they called the police.
The dispatche
19.
A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache.Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.Finally his
A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache.Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.Finally his
20.
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.He opened his newspaper and began re
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.He opened his newspaper and began re
21.
Three sons left home, said goodbye to their dear single mother, went out on their own and prospered.
Then one day, revisiting together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother on her birthday.
They all loved her dearly,
Three sons left home, said goodbye to their dear single mother, went out on their own and prospered.
Then one day, revisiting together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother on her birthday.
They all loved her dearly,
22.
She started thinking about her grandparents… but what about her grandparents' parents? And their parents?Thoughtfully, she asked her mother, “Mom, where do people come from? I mean, does everyone have parents?”Her mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve a
She started thinking about her grandparents… but what about her grandparents' parents? And their parents?Thoughtfully, she asked her mother, “Mom, where do people come from? I mean, does everyone have parents?”Her mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve a
23.
A young man walks into a supermarket and buys a bar of soap, a toothbrush, toothpaste,a loaf of bread, a container of milk, two boxes of cereal and a frozen dinner.The girl at the cash register looks at him and says “Single, huh?”The man replies very sarc
A young man walks into a supermarket and buys a bar of soap, a toothbrush, toothpaste,a loaf of bread, a container of milk, two boxes of cereal and a frozen dinner.The girl at the cash register looks at him and says “Single, huh?”The man replies very sarc
24.
She ended the letter saying she preferred accommodation as close as possible to a WC.You anglophones will recognize WC as a water closet or toilet. The Swiss innkeeper was not that well acquainted with English, so he took the letter to his friend the par
She ended the letter saying she preferred accommodation as close as possible to a WC.You anglophones will recognize WC as a water closet or toilet. The Swiss innkeeper was not that well acquainted with English, so he took the letter to his friend the par
25.
She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.Her husband suggested, “Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms thatare growing wild down by the stream? No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous.”“W
She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.Her husband suggested, “Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms thatare growing wild down by the stream? No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous.”“W
26.
An insurance company asked for more information regarding a work-related accident claim
This was the response:
“I put ‘poor planning’ as the cause of my accident
I am an amateur radio operator and was working on the top section of my new 80 foot
An insurance company asked for more information regarding a work-related accident claim
This was the response:
“I put ‘poor planning’ as the cause of my accident
I am an amateur radio operator and was working on the top section of my new 80 foot
27.
An elderly man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of viagra:The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.“Why not?” Asked the elderly man.“Because it's not safe.” Replied the doctor.“But I need it really bad.” Said the man.“W
An elderly man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of viagra:The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.“Why not?” Asked the elderly man.“Because it's not safe.” Replied the doctor.“But I need it really bad.” Said the man.“W
28.
I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing.
I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I didn’t think anything of it and was about to shoot when the frog says, “Ribbit. 9- Iron”.
I looked around and didn’t s
I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing.
I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I didn’t think anything of it and was about to shoot when the frog says, “Ribbit. 9- Iron”.
I looked around and didn’t s
29.
Ted comes home blackout drunk, as he does most nights.
With his eyes barely open, he misses his friend Carl in bed with his wife. He lies down and instantly passes out.
Carl panics and tries to run but the wife stops him and whispers: “Don’t go, thi
Ted comes home blackout drunk, as he does most nights.
With his eyes barely open, he misses his friend Carl in bed with his wife. He lies down and instantly passes out.
Carl panics and tries to run but the wife stops him and whispers: “Don’t go, thi
30.
… and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing.“Woah woah woah… what gives?!”, the man says.The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up.“I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and fo
… and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing.“Woah woah woah… what gives?!”, the man says.The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up.“I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and fo
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Eng Jokes
