1.
Little Johnny and his grandmother were shopping in a department store.Little Johnny wanted to go to the toy department, but grandmother said that they had to stop in the ladies clothing department first.He obviously couldn't wait that long, and the next t
Little Johnny and his grandmother were shopping in a department store.Little Johnny wanted to go to the toy department, but grandmother said that they had to stop in the ladies clothing department first.He obviously couldn't wait that long, and the next t
2.
Anna realized that she had grown hair between her legs.
She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said:
“That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey,
be proud that your monkey has grown hair.”
the girl smiled
Anna realized that she had grown hair between her legs.
She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said:
“That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey,
be proud that your monkey has grown hair.”
the girl smiled
3.
“Bob, I'm sorryI've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess:I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than youIt's been so incredible and fun, I've not been
“Bob, I'm sorryI've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess:I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than youIt's been so incredible and fun, I've not been
4.
… so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little.Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing!“… On the road again, just can't wait to g
… so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little.Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing!“… On the road again, just can't wait to g
5.
The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
“May I help you sir?” she asked. The man replied, “I want to see Valerie.”
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most e
The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
“May I help you sir?” she asked. The man replied, “I want to see Valerie.”
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most e
6.
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling,“Read all about it Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!”Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page.Finding nothing, the man said,“There's nothing in
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling,“Read all about it Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!”Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page.Finding nothing, the man said,“There's nothing in
7.
A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation.There he grabs a cab at the airport and says he's on his way to The Royal York Hotel.The Cabby heads downtown on his way he passes Queens Park.“What's that?” says the Texan.“Oh! That's Queens Park,” says the Cabby, “
A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation.There he grabs a cab at the airport and says he's on his way to The Royal York Hotel.The Cabby heads downtown on his way he passes Queens Park.“What's that?” says the Texan.“Oh! That's Queens Park,” says the Cabby, “
8.
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.
Her daughter asked her, “Why did you cut off the end of the ham?
And she replied, “I really don’t know but my mother always did, so I
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.
Her daughter asked her, “Why did you cut off the end of the ham?
And she replied, “I really don’t know but my mother always did, so I
9.
… after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.“You see, ” Carl says “for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and i
… after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.“You see, ” Carl says “for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and i
10.
An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to get him to paint t
An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to get him to paint t
11.
A blonde walks into an empty bar on New Year’s Eve and asks the bartender if she can use his phone to wish her family back in St. Louis a happy new year.
“Well,” starts the bartender, “the rates are pretty high on New Year’s.
You’ll have to leave me
A blonde walks into an empty bar on New Year’s Eve and asks the bartender if she can use his phone to wish her family back in St. Louis a happy new year.
“Well,” starts the bartender, “the rates are pretty high on New Year’s.
You’ll have to leave me
12.
A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.She wanted to make sure that the c
A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.She wanted to make sure that the c
13.
An elderly man travelling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility.
But each time he tried, it was occupied.
The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant’s ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any o
An elderly man travelling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility.
But each time he tried, it was occupied.
The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant’s ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any o
14.
Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumberHe awoke before the Pearly Gates, where StPeter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Ray.'Ray was stunned‘I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too
Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumberHe awoke before the Pearly Gates, where StPeter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Ray.'Ray was stunned‘I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too
15.
“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”
“Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.”
“Because it gets late early.” (On why it’s so tough to play left field in Yankee stadium.)
“If the people don
“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”
“Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.”
“Because it gets late early.” (On why it’s so tough to play left field in Yankee stadium.)
“If the people don
16.
A man in a bar saw a friend at a table, drinking by himself.Approaching the friend he commented, “You look terribleWhat's the problem?”“My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.”“Gee, that's tough,” he replied.“Then in July,” the friend cont
A man in a bar saw a friend at a table, drinking by himself.Approaching the friend he commented, “You look terribleWhat's the problem?”“My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.”“Gee, that's tough,” he replied.“Then in July,” the friend cont
17.
A fox sneaked into a farm and grabbed a prize rooster.
The farmer saw him and raised the alarm and he and his dogs started chasing the thief.
The fox, though he was holding the rooster in his mouth, was running very fast.
“Get him! Get him!” shou
A fox sneaked into a farm and grabbed a prize rooster.
The farmer saw him and raised the alarm and he and his dogs started chasing the thief.
The fox, though he was holding the rooster in his mouth, was running very fast.
“Get him! Get him!” shou
18.
Four married guys go fishingAfter an hour, the following conversation took place:First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekendI had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”Seco
Four married guys go fishingAfter an hour, the following conversation took place:First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekendI had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”Seco
19.
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.After a lengthy sitti
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.After a lengthy sitti
20.
Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth.
An old lady came over and said.
“Son, don’t you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?”
“My grandfather lived t
Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth.
An old lady came over and said.
“Son, don’t you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?”
“My grandfather lived t
21.
Jim and Edna are both mental patients.One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn't come up for air.Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out.Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and sayes
Jim and Edna are both mental patients.One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn't come up for air.Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out.Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and sayes
22.
A man lay sprawled across three seats in the cinema.When the usherette came by and noticed this, she whispered to the old man “Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat”.The old man didn't budgeThe usherette became more impatient.She said “Sir, if you d
A man lay sprawled across three seats in the cinema.When the usherette came by and noticed this, she whispered to the old man “Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat”.The old man didn't budgeThe usherette became more impatient.She said “Sir, if you d
23.
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.
He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian.
Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.
He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian.
Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a
24.
The teacher asked all the students to write an essay on the subject My Pet.
The next day she started checking the homework of everyone.
After checking Little Johnny’s essay teacher asked him,
“Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as y
The teacher asked all the students to write an essay on the subject My Pet.
The next day she started checking the homework of everyone.
After checking Little Johnny’s essay teacher asked him,
“Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as y
25.
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party…After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest roomThose who remained talked about their kids.The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joyHe started working at a succe
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party…After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest roomThose who remained talked about their kids.The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joyHe started working at a succe
26.
“I can't speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.“There's a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing,” explains the doctor
“I can't speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.“There's a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing,” explains the doctor
27.
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,“Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression.I was down to my last nickel.I invested that nickel in an apple.I spent the entire day p
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,“Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression.I was down to my last nickel.I invested that nickel in an apple.I spent the entire day p
28.
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, ‘Hello.'‘MrsSanders, please.'‘Speaking.'‘MrsSanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another MrSanders arrived
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, ‘Hello.'‘MrsSanders, please.'‘Speaking.'‘MrsSanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another MrSanders arrived
29.
Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 storeas they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, “wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?”The second nun answered, “indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comforta
Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 storeas they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, “wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?”The second nun answered, “indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comforta
30.
An elderly retired Marine Fighter Pilot moved into a retirement community where good looking eligible men were at a premium.After he had been there for a week, he went to Confession and said, “Bless me Father for I have sinnedLast week I was with seven di
An elderly retired Marine Fighter Pilot moved into a retirement community where good looking eligible men were at a premium.After he had been there for a week, he went to Confession and said, “Bless me Father for I have sinnedLast week I was with seven di
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Eng Jokes
