1.
One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurtsI guess I should see a doctor.”His friend said, “Don't do thatThere's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.Simply put in a sample of your ur
One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurtsI guess I should see a doctor.”His friend said, “Don't do thatThere's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.Simply put in a sample of your ur
2.
Fred came home from University in tears. “Mum, am I adopted?”
“No of course not”, replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?
Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a famil
Fred came home from University in tears. “Mum, am I adopted?”
“No of course not”, replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?
Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a famil
3.
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital.
The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery.
He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure.
The woman would be connected to a machine that would trans
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital.
The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery.
He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure.
The woman would be connected to a machine that would trans
4.
A guy was limping, so his friend asked him what was wrong.
He replied, “My foot bugs me sometimes. It’s just an old basketball injury.”
His friend said, “Uh, aren’t you kinda short for a basketball player?”
He replied, “Oh no, I never played bask
A guy was limping, so his friend asked him what was wrong.
He replied, “My foot bugs me sometimes. It’s just an old basketball injury.”
His friend said, “Uh, aren’t you kinda short for a basketball player?”
He replied, “Oh no, I never played bask
5.
The young wife went into labor while her husband was overseas serving in the war.The next day he got the news that his wife had delivered twins.He got to a phone and called her right away.“Oh honey, I'm so happy,” he said“Who took you to the hospital?”“Yo
The young wife went into labor while her husband was overseas serving in the war.The next day he got the news that his wife had delivered twins.He got to a phone and called her right away.“Oh honey, I'm so happy,” he said“Who took you to the hospital?”“Yo
6.
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.“Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?” He asked his mother.“He thinks a lot” replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.“Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?” He asked his mother.“He thinks a lot” replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to
7.
Three high ranking Axis soldiers are about to be interrogated during WWII.
One is a member of the Gestapo, one is an Imperial Japanese officer and one is a Fascist Italian Commander.
They are all sitting in their holding cell discussing what they ar
Three high ranking Axis soldiers are about to be interrogated during WWII.
One is a member of the Gestapo, one is an Imperial Japanese officer and one is a Fascist Italian Commander.
They are all sitting in their holding cell discussing what they ar
8.
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computersHe dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered: “Hello?”Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computersHe dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered: “Hello?”Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having
9.
First Bull: “I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows.”Second Bull: “I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows.”Third Bull: “I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys
First Bull: “I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows.”Second Bull: “I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows.”Third Bull: “I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys
10.
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions,
When it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions,
When it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to
11.
A very proper business lady was on the lot of a Mercedes dealership in her local town.
She strolled through the vehicles until she found a car that caught her eye.
After looking it over for a while she noticed the car was unlocked.
She opened the
A very proper business lady was on the lot of a Mercedes dealership in her local town.
She strolled through the vehicles until she found a car that caught her eye.
After looking it over for a while she noticed the car was unlocked.
She opened the
12.
The friendly usher at the country church greeted the elderly woman visitor at the door and helped her up the steps.“Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.“The front row, please,” she answered.“You really don't want to do that,” the usher said“Th
The friendly usher at the country church greeted the elderly woman visitor at the door and helped her up the steps.“Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.“The front row, please,” she answered.“You really don't want to do that,” the usher said“Th
13.
A couple whose marriage was on the rocks sought the advice of their pastor.
The pastor encouraged them to patch up their quarrel and keep their vows, but the couple was adamant.
“Well,” said the pastor, “you know the consequences if you insist on a
A couple whose marriage was on the rocks sought the advice of their pastor.
The pastor encouraged them to patch up their quarrel and keep their vows, but the couple was adamant.
“Well,” said the pastor, “you know the consequences if you insist on a
14.
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost.Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost.Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly
15.
A young man was getting ready to graduate collegeFor many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted.As Graduation Day approached, the young man awai
A young man was getting ready to graduate collegeFor many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted.As Graduation Day approached, the young man awai
16.
An elderly couple is both lying in bed one morning, having just woken from a good night’s sleep.
He takes her hand and she responds.
“Don’t touch me”
“Why not.” He asks?
She answers back. “Because I’m dead.”
The husband says to her.
“Wha
An elderly couple is both lying in bed one morning, having just woken from a good night’s sleep.
He takes her hand and she responds.
“Don’t touch me”
“Why not.” He asks?
She answers back. “Because I’m dead.”
The husband says to her.
“Wha
17.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.“I got my first impression
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.“I got my first impression
18.
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.At the first house a woman complains, “I've be
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.At the first house a woman complains, “I've be
19.
One day a hare met a tortoiseShe made fun of slow pace of the tortoise and said,“You have as many legs as I have but I am sure, you cannot run as fast as I canMost probably you can't run at all”.The tortoise became very angryHe answered quietly, “You can
One day a hare met a tortoiseShe made fun of slow pace of the tortoise and said,“You have as many legs as I have but I am sure, you cannot run as fast as I canMost probably you can't run at all”.The tortoise became very angryHe answered quietly, “You can
20.
There was an Englishman, Scottishman and an Irishman swimming in the sea one day when suddenly they were captured by pirates.The captain said to them your getting locked up in dungeons for 50 years, but I'll give you something to go in with.So the English
There was an Englishman, Scottishman and an Irishman swimming in the sea one day when suddenly they were captured by pirates.The captain said to them your getting locked up in dungeons for 50 years, but I'll give you something to go in with.So the English
21.
A young couple with a box of c*ndoms proceeded to do the wild thing.
When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six c*ndoms remaining in the box of 12,
so she asked him,
“What happened to the other five condoms?”
His nervous
A young couple with a box of c*ndoms proceeded to do the wild thing.
When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six c*ndoms remaining in the box of 12,
so she asked him,
“What happened to the other five condoms?”
His nervous
22.
Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.
When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
We will do that for you, said one of the younger men.
But do you mind if it passes t
Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.
When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
We will do that for you, said one of the younger men.
But do you mind if it passes t
23.
A man drove past a traffic camera and saw it flash.He couldn't believe he had been caught speeding when he was driving below the speed limit for once!He turned around and drove past again, this time even slower.But as he passed the camera, it flashed agai
A man drove past a traffic camera and saw it flash.He couldn't believe he had been caught speeding when he was driving below the speed limit for once!He turned around and drove past again, this time even slower.But as he passed the camera, it flashed agai
24.
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.
He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian.
Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.
He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian.
Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a
25.
Jim calls in to work and says, “Hey, boss I not come work today,
I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt.
I not come work.” The boss says, “You know Jim, I really need you today.
When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell
Jim calls in to work and says, “Hey, boss I not come work today,
I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt.
I not come work.” The boss says, “You know Jim, I really need you today.
When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell
26.
Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes of golf, but there two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole.
The first guy says, “Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play through?” The second guy get
Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes of golf, but there two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole.
The first guy says, “Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play through?” The second guy get
27.
A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.However, he was delayed, so the pries
A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.However, he was delayed, so the pries
28.
Having determined that the husband was infertile, a childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.
When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress, get up on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.
She was feeling ver
Having determined that the husband was infertile, a childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.
When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress, get up on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.
She was feeling ver
29.
However, his route takes him past a particular corner on which a prostitute is always standing, offering her services.He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.“One hundred and fifty pounds!” she'd shout.“No, f
However, his route takes him past a particular corner on which a prostitute is always standing, offering her services.He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.“One hundred and fifty pounds!” she'd shout.“No, f
30.
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says,
“Mom, what are those things on your chest!?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn’t forg
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says,
“Mom, what are those things on your chest!?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn’t forg
Tags:
Eng Jokes
