A Must-Read Collection of the Most Hilarious Jokes 08

1.



Josey wasn’t the best pupil at Sunday school.
She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.
“Who is the creator of the universe?”
Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up.
Josey jumped and yelled, “God almighty!”
The teacher congratulated her.
A little later the teacher asked her another question, “Tell me who is our lord and savior?”
Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, “Jesus Christ!”
The teacher congratulated her again.
Later on the teacher asked, “What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?”
Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, “If you stick that thing in me again, I’ll snap it in half and stick it up your bum!”
A very attractive nun
The employer asked the candidate

2.



“How did you start your spiritual life?” asked one of the Sufi master Shams Tabrizi’s disciples.
“My mother used to say that I was neither crazy enough to check in into a mad house nor saintly enough to enter a monastery,” Tabrizi answered.
“So I decided to devote myself to Sufism, where we learn through free meditation.”
“And how did you explain it to your mother?”
“With the following fable: someone entrusted a little cat to take care of a duck.
The duck followed his adoptive mother everywhere until the day both of them reached a lake.
Immediately, the duck plunged into the water while the cat yelled at the border: ‘get out of there! You’ll drown!’”
“And the little duck answered: ‘no, mommy, I discovered what is good for me and I can tell I am in my environment.
I will stay here even if you don’t know what a lake means.’”
Once while a travelling Tenali Rama
Every day Nasreddin went to beg

3.



An 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently:
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit.
“May we see the new baby?” One of them asked.
“Not yet.” Said the mother.
“I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”
Another half-hour passed before another relative asked.
“May we see the new baby now?”
“No, not yet.” Said the mother.
A while later and again the guests asked.
“May we see the baby now?”
“No, not yet.” Replied the mother.
Growing impatient, they asked.
“Well, when can we see the baby?”
“When it cries.” She told them.
“When it cries?” They gasped.
“Why do we have to wait until it cries?”
“Because I forgot where I put it.”
The man calls the manager and says
The first day of their Honeymoon

4.



Little Sally asked her dad if she could take her dog Fluffy far a walk around the block, he told her no because Fluffy was in heat.
Little Sally says what does in heat mean?
Without any explanation her dad took a rag with gas on it and wiped the dog’s rear end with it and told her to go around the block and come back straight home.
When she returned she was alone. Her dad asks; where is Fluffy?
Little Sally says, Fluffy ran out of gas a few blocks back and another dog is pushing her home.
John and his wife are getting ready for bed
A mother found a candy bar wrapper

5.



During a robbery in Guangzhou, China, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank:
“Don’t move the money belongs to the state your life belongs to you.”
Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.
This is called “Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.
When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: “Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!”
This is called “Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do!
When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber who has only completed Year 6 in primary school.
“Big brother, let’s count how much we got.”
The older robber rebutted and said:
“You are very stupid there is so much money it will take us a long time to count tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!”
This is called “Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!
After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly.
But the supervisor said to him: “Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.
This is called “Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!
The supervisor says: “It will be good if there is a robbery every month.”
This is called “Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job.
The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank.
The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million.
The robbers were very angry and complained: “We risked our lives and only took $20 million.
The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!”
This is called “Knowledge is worth as much as gold!”
The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.
This is called “Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks!
So who are the real robbers here?
A man goes inside a pet shop
The Magical Lamp

6.



A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.
The officer asks her some questions:
Officer: What’s 2 + 2?
Blonde: Ummm… 4!
Officer: What’s the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummm… 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummm… I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
The blonde replies excitedly, “Not only did I get the job, I’m already working on a murder case!”
The doctor comes in and informs
Tom was getting a check up

7.



A young blonde lady went on a tour trip on an old steam train that took the passengers through mountains and tunnels.
As the train approached a tunnel, the conductor hurriedly walked through the coaches warning passengers,
“Tunnel ahead. Look out!”
The blonde quickly stuck her head out the window, and her forehead met with the concrete entrance of the tunnel.
After being revived 15 minutes later, the blonde’s words were, “That stupid son of a b!tch he should have told me to look in!”
John goes to the deli for some soup
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up bartender

8.



Three babies are in their mother’s womb.
One of them says, “I want to be an artist, so everyone will know what it looks like in here.”
The next one says, “I want to be an Olympic swimmer because I get so much practice in here.”
Then the last baby says,” I’m going to be a hunter, because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again I’m gonna chop that damned thing in half!”
A man goes to confess
Two turtles walk into a bar

9.



A 17 year old guy walks into a drug store.
He says “I’ve been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend’s house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean.”
Clerk: “How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here’s a pack.”
The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: “you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I’ll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky.”
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn’t say a word.
After a while his girlfriend says: “if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn’t have invited you.”
The young man replies “if you had told me your dad works at the drug store, I wouldn’t have come.”
A couple were Christmas shopping
Wife sent text to husband

10.



Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.
One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs.
His bed was next to the room’s only window.
The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.
The men talked for hours on end.
They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.
Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.
The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.
The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats.
Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.
As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.
One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by.
Although the other man couldn’t hear the band – he could see it in his mind’s eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words days and weeks passed.
One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep.
She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.
As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window.
The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.
Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside.
He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed.
It faced a blank wall.
The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.
The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.
She said, “Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.”
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper
Three women die together

11.



Girl taunts old man and asks if he ever did anything wild
heading downtown to go to the movies, when a young punk got on.
She had spiked, multi-colored hair that was green, purple, and orange.
Her clothes were a tattered mix of leather rags, her legs were bare and she was wearing worn-out shoes.
Her entire face and body were riddled with pierced jewelry and her earrings were big, bright feathers.
She sat down in the only vacant seat that was directly across from us.
My dad raised an eyebrow and stared at the girl.
Finally, the punk got self-conscious and barked at my dad, “What are you looking at you old geezer didn’t you ever do anything wild when you were young?”
Without missing a beat, my dad replied, “Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and scr*wed a parrot, I thought maybe you were my daughter.”
Mike had a terrible cold
Near Tokyo lived a great Samurai

12.



A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her undies line.
She also wants him to put “Happy Thanksgiving” under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with “Merry Christmas” up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, “If you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?”
She said, “I’m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there’s nothing good to eat between Thanks giving and Christmas.”
A group of young children were sitting
A new firefighter was being trained

13.



A guys walking down the street with a bag of rabbit droppings, he runs into one of his friends who asks what’s in the bag.
Guy says “Smart Pills,”
His friend says “Gimme one of them Smart Pills.”
Then reaches in the bag without hesitating what his friend says and pops a handful of them in his mouth before his friend say something.
He looks at the guy and says “These smart pills taste like uhghhhh,”
Guy says “You’re getting smarter already.”
A guy sits down in a movie theater
A rabbit and a bear were walking in the forest

14.



Tax day, April 15, was looming when an elderly woman showed up at the IRS.
She said she required a thick stack of tax forms.
“Why so many?” the clerk asked.
“My son is stationed overseas,” she said.
“He asked me to pick up forms for the Marines on the base.”
“You shouldn’t have to do this,” the clerk told her.
“It’s the base commander’s job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need.”
“I know,” said the woman.
“I’m the base commander’s mother.”
A fox observing a fish cart coming
A Irishman walks into a bar

15.



A woman goes into a toy shop to buy a tool.
She sees one behind the counter and tells the salesman, “I want that one!”
He replies, “It’s not for sale.”
The woman says, “Please I want that one,” again he says it’s not for sale.
The woman says, “I’ll give you a hundred dollars for it.” and the salesman says, “Well, okay.
Five minutes later, his boss walks in and asks, “How’s business today?”
The salesman replied, “It’s pretty slow but I just made a hundred dollars off of my thermos.”
A blonde was so upset
A man walked into an insurance office

16.



Mickey Mouse steps into lawyers office to review divorce with lawyer.
Mickey: I need to get out of this marriage! Minnie ruined my life.
I’ve paid you good money for you to get me back what’s rightly mine.
What do you have for me?
Lawyer: Mickey I’ve reviewed your case against Minnie and to be blunt you don’t have a good case against her.
The main reason for this divorce as you said is because “she’s crazy” .
We have laws that protect spouses.
You can’t divorce someone and get everything back from them because of what you think are character flaws.
Mickey: I didn’t say she was crazy!!
Today I went to the children’s daycare
My buddies and I where out for a night

17.



Little Johnny is walking around and peaks in his parents room, catching them having lovemaking so he asks,
“What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! we’re just uh, making cake” and they send him away.
So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brothers room so he walks in and catches his brother and his brothers girlfriend having lovemaking and then asks him “What are you guys doing?”
And his brother yells “Get out! were making cake!”
So Johnny leaves and goes to his room.
The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says,
“So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night huh!”
And she replies “OMG! Hows you know!?!?” and
Johnny replies, “Because, I licked the icing off the couch” ayyyyyy.
Elder brother and his girlfriend
Superman and flash were in the living room

18.



Death comes to collect a man’s soul.
When he gets to the man’s home, he sees the man and his family are in the middle of party.
Death tells the man why he has come.
The man begs death to spare him but death insists that he must start at the top of his list and his name is first.
The man sadly agrees but asks death if he could at least finish up the party with his family.
Death agrees and they invite him to join the festivities.
While death is distracted with the party, the man quickly moves his name to the bottom of the list.
Death has a great time and at the end of the party he’s in a good mood. He turns to the man and says,
“You know what? Since you’ve treated me to such a great time, I’ll start from the bottom of the list this time.”
Wife Going To Las Vegas
Two Lawyer Friends Playing Golf

19.



A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”
The man gets really indignant and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”
Two elderly ladies have been friends
Two doctors were in a hospital

20.



Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!”
The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”
A boy is selling fish on a corner
They slip into a nearby cemetery

21.



An old man and an old woman, married for fifty years, go to see a fortune teller.
The old man is hard-of-hearing and the old Woman always tells Him what is said.
They go to found out what his future holds.
The fortune-teller says,
“Next week, you will win the state lottery jackpot.”
The old man says, “What did she say?”
The old woman says, “NEXT WEEK! YOU WIN THE LOTTERY!”
The old man is very excited and tells her to continue.
The fortune-teller says,
“In two weeks, you will double your winnings with a smart investment.”
The old man says, “What did she say?”
The old woman says,
“IN TWO WEEKS! YOU DOUBLE YOUR MONEY IN THE STOCKS!”
The old man is even more excited and tells her to continue.
“By this time next month, your wife will be more content than she has ever been.”
The old man says, “What did she say?”
The old woman says,
“NEXT MONTH! YOU’LL BE DEAD!”
Arriving home from work
The Wife Calls Her Scientist Husband

22.



During the Ice Age many animals died because of the cold.
Seeing this situation, the porcupines decided to group together, so they wrapped up well and protected one another.
But they hurt one another with their thorns, and so then they decided to stay apart from one another.
They started to freeze to death again.
So they had to make a choice: either they vanished from the face of the earth or they accepted their neighbor’s thorns.
They wisely decided to stay together again.
They learned to live with the small wounds that a very close relationship could cause, because the most important thing was the warmth given by the other and in the end they survived.
A lion was feeling very hungry
A man knocked at his Bedouin

23.



A doctor drives by a small town.
He stops at a gas station & notices there is no one there.
A little kid passes by & tells him the gas station is closed because everyone is a the funeral of the owner’s daughter.
Since he was out of gas, he decided to stay for the night & goes to the funeral.
When he gets there he goes in & looks at the open casket & notices that something is wrong.
He calls the father Sir, I’m a doctor & I can assure you she is not dead, she is in a catatonic sleep.”
“What do we do now?” asks the father.
“Does she have a boyfriend?”, asks the doctor.
“Yes,” replies the father.
“Take her to a room & have the boyfriend have bed time with her.”
They do as the doctor said & sure enough, she wakes up.
Everybody was happy & the doctor leaves once he fills up his gas tank.
A few months go by & the doctor returns to the same gas station.
The same kid greets him again, Doctor, it is so great to see you again.
About a week ago Mrs. Edward died.
Half of the town has bang her already but she is just not waking up.”
I smelled something funny
Man was travelling through

24.



An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired holding hands, they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers.
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, She’s lying.
She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday.
My wife and I were sitting at a table
A man calls home to his wife

25.



A city kid went to his grandpa farm for the weekend.
He tagged along as Pa did what had to be done around the place, taking it all in.
Then Grandpa came across a cow having trouble calving.
He didn’t know how the whole process would be taken in by the six-year-old but had no option but to get on with the job of assisting the birth.
When the calf had been ‘pulled’ and the cow was happily cleaning it up, Pa asked the boy if he had any questions about what he had just seen.
At first, the kid seemed overwhelmed by the experience, but finally asked,
“Just how fast was that calf going when it hit the cow’s behind?”
A woman goes her daughter to the doctor
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders

26.



Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.
“I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy.
“Bet you $10 he won’t,” said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.
The second guy hands the first guy the money.
“I can’t take your money,” said the first guy.
“I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.”
“No, no. Take it,” said the second guy.
“I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”
A elderly couple were on a cruise
He walked into the kitchen

27.



Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.”
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I’ll see you back in court Monday.
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, “How did you do over the weekend?” “Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”
“Seventeen people? That’s wonderful how did you do it? ”
I used a diagram, your honor.
I drew two circles like this.
Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.
“That’s admirable,” says the judge.
Then he turns to the second guy and how did you do?
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”
“Wow!” says the judge.
“156 people! How did you manage to do that?” “Well, I used a similar diagram,” the guy says.
“I drew two circles like this then I pointed to the little circle and said, ‘This is your as…. before prison… .”
Once at a crossroad, Mulla Nasruddin Hodja
Mrs Santa was in bed

28.



The mother came on her little son who was standing thoughtfully before the gooseberry bush in the garden.
She noted that his expression was both puzzled and distressed.
“Why, what’s the matter, little lamb?” she asked tenderly.
“I’m thinkin, mumy,” the boy answered.
“What about, little man?”
“Have gooseberries any legs, mumy?”
“Why, no! Of course not, dear.”
The perplexity passed from the little boy’s face, but the expression of trouble deepened, as he spoke again:
“Then, mumy, I fink I’ve swallowed a catapillar.”
A elderly couple who were childhood
An 18 year old girl tells her Mum

29.



A mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car.
The nurse asks him, “Charlie, what are you doing?”
Charlie replied, “Driving to Chicago!”
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, “Well Charlie, how are you doing?”
Charlie says, “I just got into Chicago”.
“Great,” replied the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously wanking.
Shocked, she asks, “Bob, what are you doing?!”
Bob says, “I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago!”
A guy who has a bad stutter
John and David were both patients

30.



Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.
One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”
The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to bed or had just waken up!”
The third lady smiles smugly.
“Well, my memory’s just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood.”
She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?!”
A guy is riding the bus
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish